Fear can singularly be the most
debilitating emotion we as humans experience. And, to bare one’s
soul may be the most frightening of all human endeavors. Fear is
instinctive. We sense it when we are in immediate danger. But what
about long term danger, do we sense that? For most of my 47 years,
my life was molded by a quiet, undetectable force of expectation –
both my own and others. Are the goals we strive for really our own?
How do we know? And, what if you dream of what your life should be,
only to wake up one day to find out that what you’re living is not
it? Can you change who you are, should you?
I’ve been transgender
since - well, long before I ever knew what that meant. Slowly, I’ve come to
learn what certain meanings represented, only to realize that being
transgender means much more than the box people tried to get me into. After
a lifetime of internal conflict, I began to recognize certain truths that
were about to change my life in profound ways. Like many, my wanting to
experience “being” a girl, was overwhelming – compulsive, a need I had to
fulfill. The word “compulsive,” conjures up images of someone out of
control. It screams of Anthony Perkins in psycho: a schizophrenic who can’t
control the demons within. But the truth is, for most of my life
crossdressing was compulsive. But, rather than releasing the raging demon
within, it brought out a fun-loving, happy, free spirit, and I found a sense
of balance in the process. The “box” that the media built, didn’t represent
me. In more recent years I transcended the act of dressing and simply lived
how I felt from day to day, androgynous much of the time.
After decades of repeat and
purge, I first began to actually think about and understand elements of what
I was struggling with. The fear had subsided, and with it came a clarity
that was just as overwhelming as crossdressing at an early age was. Over the
years four questions kept coming to mind:
1)
What would it
be like to be a girl,
2)
Could I
become a girl,
3)
Would I
prefer to be a girl, and
4)
Should I be a
girl
For a group of people (TGs)
that don’t completely understand themselves, it would be almost impossible
for outsiders to accurately identify and define the varied characteristics
from one group to another. But yet, they try. I referred to myself for years
as a drag queen, ignorant of what that really meant, and that the label was
inaccurate. As we entered the new millennium, there are now so many boxes to
choose from: transvestite, drag queen, crossdresser, she-male, transsexual,
t-girl, and the all-inclusive transgender. Boxes, boxes and more boxes - are
any of them accurate? They seem to be a double-edged sword. For some they
serve as a beacon of light to lost souls in search of a safe haven of
like-minded individuals, while at the same time they divide, isolate and
confuse others.
I was in Boston, covering
the Tiffany Club’s First Event Convention, when I became engaged in
conversation with a young, handsome and outgoing F > M transsexual named
Robbie. I learned that Robbie avoided discussions about sports with other F
> M transsexuals. He never liked sports growing up, yet all the transsexuals
he knew, did. “Maybe I don’t fit into this group,” he thought – because the
description on the box didn’t fit. It would be logical that many M > F
transgenders (a catch all name) experience this as well. They want to belong
somewhere, and if the group has a slightly different identity, they disguise
or hide it. How sad is it that people can come out, only to still be in
hiding.
Do you have the courage to
pursue who you should be, rather than who you could be?
Knowing who you want to be, and who you should be, are not necessarily the
same thing. That distinction may reveal itself in the final leg of the
discovery journey. But in finding yourself, you have to consider many
things. I once gave a piece of advise to my friend’s daughter, who was just
entering NYU as a freshman. I told her, “Find your passion – that in which
you enjoy the process as much as the result. Then, find the core of who you
are and fulfill your life outward from there.” U Thant, co-founder of the
United Nations, was once quoted as saying, “You can’t know how you want to
live your life until you know how you want to be remembered.” So, how do
you want to be remembered?
In trying to discover who
you are and what you’re about, are boxes helpful, or do they pigeon hole us
in the eyes of the mainstream, and each other? Feel free to write me and let
me know what you think.
brianna@briannaaustin.bigstep.com or post at
http://groups.yahoo.com/brieannaaustin
