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By Joni Eveling Israel
Expressing Our Needs:
Coming Out for Transsexuals and Transvestites is published on TGGuide.com
with permission of the Author. This article and photographs may
not be reprinted without permission of the author.
When we think of communications, many thoughts
may come to mind. Conversing on the telephone, chatting through computer modems,
speaking to friends and family, or even our own gender leaders educating a group
of budding psychologists, all these are different forms of communication. As
individuals experiencing various levels of gender issues and self awareness, we
often find ourselves becoming more in touch with our feelings and needs. Equally
important to discovering new levels of self, is sharing the discoveries we have
made, so that we may enrich our experiences and fulfill our newly identified
needs.
"Coming Out" can be a powerful experience, often serving as a catalyst in
revealing our special secret self, while at the same time, improving our overall
communication skills. Sharing our gender and sexuality issues with people close
to our hearts can be intimidating. In our pre-established relationships--i.e.,
family, partners and close friends, we often become comfortable in speaking
about daily needs and occurrences. Often, overlooking communication as an
important tool which cements our relationships together, at times assuming that
those individuals "know what our needs may be." In revealing important issues,
like coming-out, we deal with the focus being directly aimed at us. We may draw
on the fear of "I may be rejected," or "I feel a lot of shame surrounding this
issue." Hence, we perceive "Coming-Out", like other communication challenges, as
risky business. In revealing deeply important issues, such as coming out, one
guideline, therapist Roger Peo endorses is the fundamental question, "Will this
improve my relationship with this person." This is an excellent measure in
determining necessity versus risk.
Revealing our needs has always been a risky business. There are, however, a
number of tools we can use in minimizing risk, which are illustrated in the
following.
PREPARE FOR COMMUNICATING
Much like going to a business meeting, it can be helpful to prepare a list of
items you wish to discuss. Also, talking with a knowledgeable friend or
counselor can be helpful. Dan, our imaginary gender person, is about to tell his
wife, Karen, about his gender issues. Dan first spoke with his therapist about
his feelings, then strategized a communications plan, and finally, he defined a
level of confidentiality to request from Karen.
MAKE AN APPOINTMENT
Make an appointment . . . was the first thing Dan did by asking Karen whether
she would feel comfortable talking personally over dinner.
VALIDATING THE RELATIONSHIP
Validating the relationship . . . is an important door opener. It reaffirms that
the relationship and its positive strengths exist. Dan stated, "Karen, I want
you to know I've drawn a great deal of happiness from our eight years of
marriage. What I have to share is very personal and I feel I can trust sharing
it with you." Dan also sought a confidentiality agreement at this time.
RELIEVE STRESS BY REVEALING
Just about now, our imaginary character is starting to sweat a little . . . Like
many great communicators, he found that by telling Karen he was feeling a little
nervous, he had put Karen in an empathetic mood. Feeling comfortable, he now can
move on.
SHARE THE FACTS
"Karen, I'm a crossdresser and even have thought of having a sex change." There,
Dan did it! He then continued to reveal the facts he knew about himself, gender
issues . . . all the time respectfully answering Karen's questions. He also,
referred questions he didn't know to a future discussion.
AFFIRMING THE OTHER PERSON'S BELIEFS AND FEELINGS
Affirming the other person's beliefs and feelings . . . can be our most
empowering step. It is at this point, that we may not "hear what we want." Dan
followed this by listening while Karen expressed reservations about his
crossdressing around their children. He told Karen he would talk to his
therapist to see if crossdressing around children was harmful.
SEALING THE COMMUNICATION
Sealing the communication . . . Like any good communication, it's important to
have a proper closing. Karen had stated, "I'm not very happy about this, and
there is a lot I don't understand, although I am willing to learn more without
passing judgement." In closing Dan thanked Karen for being there for him, while
restating, that he valued his relationship with her, and then gave her a warm
hug.
Communicating individual needs, like gender and sexuality issues, won't always
be this easy. However, you have just reviewed some powerful tools that you may
include in your communications repertoire. With practice, as you increase your
communication skills, you will find an increased sense of empowerment and
satisfaction. Doremember, after sharing something as stressful as "coming-out",
you may be well served by spending time alone, positively reflecting on your
personal success . . . and if you wish, rewarding yourself in a special way.
Copyright - Joni Eveling Israel
This article is
Published on TGGuide.com with express
permission of the Author. All rights are reserved by the original
author. Any reproduction without permission is prohibited.
ARTICLE SUBMISSIONS:
TGGuide is seeking writers for articles of interest to the
transgender community. We will include information about the
author along with links back to your web site. Please submit
your articles to
webmaster@tgguide.com. |
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