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By Nancy Cole
Introducing my Wife to Be
All Convention is published on TGGuide.com
with permission of the Author. This article and photographs may
not be reprinted without permission of the author.
"Sometimes this struggle to adapt (to the
husband's crossdressing), asks more of the couple than they have to give and the
pattern of growing apart is seen. For the others, the stress of transvestism has
been converted into an opportunity for personal growth, and both partners gain
individuality along with the strengthening of the marriage."
-Richard Docter, PhD, from his book
TRANSVESTITES AND TRANSSEXUALS
Dealing with crossdressing and marriage is no
easy matter. All too often we find that when the issue is addressed in either a
study or a publication, the story falls into one of two categories, both of
which are extremes. The first is when the wife is Gung-ho and believes that
crossdressing has not only made the marriage stronger, but helps keep the world
safe for democracy. The other extreme, the dark side of the force, is where
crossdressing was identified as the death knell of a long and happy
relationship. Serious efforts to address this issue are frustrated by a natural
desire of most couples to ignore the issue ("You can dress as you like, just
don't let me see you or expect me to help or participate."), an effort to keep
from "airing our dirty linen in public," or, simple fear of the unknown ("If I
see him dressed, what will it do to my image of him as a man and my self-image
as a woman?").
The purpose of this piece is not to address the big issue at hand or to provide
a solution. I have too few brain cells to deal with such weighty matters.
Instead, this is a simple story, a true story about my wife's introduction to
Nancy and the paraculture. The background to this story is the BE ALL gathering
held in Pittsburgh in June 1990. So as to give the illusion of being a worthy
effort, I'll pause throughout the story and point out where I felt I did
something smart, (don't hold your breath waiting for these), and where I made an
error in judgment (FUBAR).
BACKGROUND
Before we get into the main event, it is necessary to provide you with a little
history. I have been a crossdresser all my life. Like many of you, I didn't know
for the longest time what I was dealing with, and kept "HER" in the closet while
I sallied forth in the world to be a man's man. Along the way, I met a girl who
became my friend, then my lover, and finally, my wife. At the time of marriage,
and for the first seven years, the desire tom crossdress never left me. On rare
occasions, when I was home alone, I would dress for a short period, but never
went out and never wrote or talked to anyone about it. I was as far into the
closet as anyone could get.
That state of affairs continued until 1980, when, for reasons I have long
forgotten, I felt the need to tell my wife. I'll not bore you with that story
right now. What is important is that we went through two phases. In the first,
my wife agreed to let me dress at home, provided that the children didn't see me
or were told. I readily agreed to this. Fortunately, phase one lasted only a few
months. The reason it did is understandable. I fell into the old pitfall that
too many crossdressers do; I over did it, and failed to consider my wife's
feelings.
Now, I stated that it was fortunate that phase one was short. What happened was
that my wife and I renegotiated. In effect, she respected my need/desire to
dress, but she could not, at that time participate. As a solution, she agreed to
let me join an organization for crossdressers. Enter Tri-Ess and phase two. This
phase has lasted nine years, with me going from organization to organization as
Nancy began to journey out of the closet to develop, discover and grow. During
this period, discussion of my crossdressing between my wife and I was
infrequent. I was careful to keep things in balance, while my wife was careful
to keep from offending me.
These attitudes were slow to change. Key to the change was the recognition by my
wife that rather than diminishing me as a person, my crossdressing had made me a
better, more complete person. The fact that I was more attuned to her feelings,
could understand some of the issues that women face, and developed a taste in
fashions and style that resulted in a better wardrobe for her, (and of course
me), helped a great deal. The final element that aided her acceptance was her
observation of the effect crossdressing, or lack thereof, had on me. She told me
on several occasions that when I did crossdress, I was happier and more relaxed.
By the end of phase two, we were shopping together, discussing fashions, and
even traded and shared make-up and clothes, but my wife did not see me dressed
during this period. We kept our clothes in the same closet and helped each other
pick out outfits, but there it ended; until BE ALL.
Starting in 1989, I began attending some of the national events. The Texas Tea
Party '89, was my first, followed by Fantasia '89, The Tea Party again in
February 1990, and the IFGE convention in March 1990. That I enjoyed these
affairs and was becoming more and more involved with the paraculture, was
becoming more and more obvious to my wife. We discussed the events and
crossdressing in general. During the course of these discussions, I showed her
pictures of the events, including those taken of me while dressed. It was my way
of opening the door, a little.
Originally, I had no intention of going to BE ALL. What changed my mind was the
fact that my family was going to be back east to visit relatives in the Old
States, to include Pennsylvania, at the same time BE ALL was scheduled. Rather
than stay at home by myself, I decided to go. It was only after I had sent in my
initial registration and saw my wife's itinerary that I thought of having her
join me in Pittsburgh. After careful consideration, I suggested that she leave
the children with her parents while she flew out and joined me in Pittsburgh for
the weekend. Much to my surprise, she accepted. Part of the reason she agreed to
come was out of curiosity; she wanted to see what I did at these things and if
she could handle being with me when I was dressed. Besides, her sister-in-law,
who was going through a messy divorce, lived in Pittsburgh and my wife wanted to
visit her and her baby.
With that acceptance came a feeling of both joy and apprehension. Joy, that she
was willing to try it again (i.e. being with me when I was dressed), and fear
that she wouldn't be able to handle me dressed, BE ALL, or both. But we both
were committed After nine years, the issue was being brought forth again for
another vote.
IN THE BEGINNING
From the start, I knew this wasn't going to be easy, especially since my wife
was not only going to have to deal with me, but also all the other BE ALL
participants.
SMART MOVE #1: To help her deal with this, I provided her with some of
the best information I could on wives and crossdressers. I gave her Peggy J.
Rudd's book MY HUSBAND WEARS MY CLOTHES, and Richard Docter's book TRANSVESTITES
AND TRANSSEXUALS to read. This allowed her to prepare herself mentally. Rudd's
book was especially helpful, since Rudd was a woman dealing with the same
problem my wife was.
SMART MOVE #2: In arranging for the trip, we timed it so that I would
arrive on Wednesday and she on Thursday. This allowed me to register at the
hotel and the convention, review the program and see who was there already. I
was especially interested in people who would be able to help me with my wife.
That part of the plan went well. This, however, resulted in the need to arrange
for transportation for her to the hotel. There were several options available. I
could have left her to her own devices (big potential for FUBAR here). I could
have had the BE ALL transportation pick her up (more potential FUBAR, since it
would be a stranger AND possibly a crossdresser picking her up). Or, I could
rent a car and pick her up myself. Of the three, picking her up myself seemed
like the best idea. She readily accepted this option. This decision, however,
led into FUBAR #2.
On arriving in Pittsburgh on Wednesday night, I decided to scope out the lay of
the land at the airport for the next day's pick up. This was, I felt, important,
since A) she was arriving on another airline, and B) I would be coming back to
the airport dressed as Nancy, a real TV first. I didn't leave the airport that
night until I knew where I would park, the door I would need to use, what gate
she was arriving at, etc., etc., etc.
The next day, I did my best, dressing and making-up so as not to draw attention
to myself at the airport. I also allowed what I thought was plenty of time for
the drive to the airport.
FUBAR #1: Rather than checking the time of my wife's arrival before I
left the hotel, I checked after I arrived at the airport. Therefore, instead of
arriving there ten minutes before the plane arrived, I reached the gate with 55
minutes to spare! A momentary flutter of panic struck me as I realized that I
had almost an hour to wait while every person who ever traveled to Pittsburgh
had an opportunity to inspect me. Finding the most isolated seat, I sat for a
moment and start to wait for either my wife or the Pittsburgh vice squad to
arrive.
After ten minutes of sitting in isolation, cautiously looking about to see what
everyone else was doing, I was overcome by the urge to visit the necessary room.
I thought about suppressing the urge, but decided, "What the ____! You've made
it this far". So I got up, found the nearest ladies room and did what had to be
done. Having survived that ordeal, I went to the bookstand, bought a newspaper
and a Coke and went back to my seat. Throughout this whole adventure, I never
detected a ripple in the force, resulting in a real boost to my self-confidence.
When the plane arrived, I moved to the gate and placed myself so that I could
see all the passengers coming off and they would be able to see me (here's where
the boost of self-confidence came into play). It was only after I saw my wife,
and she failed to recognize me, that I realized that I had made an error.
FUBAR #2: I assumed that my wife knew I would be dressed when I picked
her up at the airport. She never thought to ask and I never thought to volunteer
that morsel of information (it's only at moments like this that I remember what
the first three letters of 'assume' stand for). As she walked past me, I
suddenly realized I needed to do something to get her attention, and not
everyone else's. As softly and as sweetly as I could, I called her name.
FUBAR #3: I was wearing an outfit and a new wig that she had never seen
in any of my photos.
When she finally picked me out, there was a momentary pause. What could have
been a real show-stopping disaster passed. Going up to her, I greeted her, took
her carry-on bag, and proceeded to lead her to the baggage claim area.
SMART MOVE #3: I didn't touch her or greet her as I normally would have
(i.e., a hug and a kiss). Instead, I let her set the pace, and followed her lead
in conversation and action. By this time, I had self-confidence in presenting
myself as Nancy in public. My wife was just out of the gate, so to say, in being
with her husband while he was wearing a dress. (Two days later, during our
postmortem discussion of the weekend, my wife told me that picking her up
dressed was probably the best thing I could have done. She admitted that by my
doing so, she was confronted with the issue right from the beginning).
The drive to the hotel was uneventful. She talked about what the kids had done,
what she had done at her parents house, and how all the relatives were doing. At
the hotel, we went straight to the room.
SMART MOVE #4: We paused for a while in the hotel room where I allowed my
wife to mentally regroup and get used to seeing me dressed. We did not go
rushing off to meet people or to participate in anything. We just talked,
allowing the conversation to slowly turn from the family news forum to the
inevitable, "Well, what's the program?"
As she had not had lunch, we decided to go down to the small cafe at the hotel
and have lunch. That she was nervous was obvious. Again, by this time, I had
been out in public as Nancy and was used to going into a restaurant. As before,
I allowed my wife to set the pace and tone of conversation and followed her
lead. As it was mid-afternoon, the lunch crowd was gone, and mercifully, the
hotel staff was cooperative and courteous, conducting business as usual.
SMART MOVE #5: Since we were in the hotel, I had no doubt the staff and
other patrons knew we were with the BE ALL gathering. People looked, but did not
stare. We had our lunch and they went about their business. The fact that we
were in mixed company (BE ALL people, hotel staff and regular customers), had a
calming effect on my wife, since nobody batted an eye.
After lunch, we returned to the room, where my wife took a nap. I left her in
the room and blundered about the BE ALL concessions for a while.
SMART MOVE #6: Sleep is a wonderful way of dealing with stress. It allows
the brain to sort out new data and information, as well as to prepare for future
input. In effect, I gave my wife some time alone to deal with the new situation.
Besides, the time allowed me to indulge myself as I tried on dresses (I bought
two!).
"DAS BOOT"
Back in the room, more adjustment on my wife's part in getting used to seeing me
as Nancy. I needed to get used to being Nancy in front of my wife as well. This
last point, discovering that I need to adjust my conduct, came as a surprise. I
suppose it shouldn't have, but it did. For the first time, I took the lead,
showing my wife what I would be wearing (one of the new dresses), and asking her
opinion. She took the cue, and had me try it on. She liked it and complimented
me.
That decided, we began to dress. During the process, there was some light
conversation, a few small jokes, and in general, an easing of the earlier
nervousness. Opportunities for humor were numerous, since this was the first
time we had to share a mirror so we could fix our make-up. My wife found this
especially humorous, since, in the past, I had often bragged that the only prep
a man needed for an evening out was, "A s___, a shower, and a shave".
Ready, we went forth to the buses that would whisk us away to downtown
Pittsburgh. Here, new problems arose. I knew several of the people. When dealing
with new people and introducing her, and to give her some reassurance, I like to
hold her hand or put my hand around her shoulder. This however, was not
possible. It was inappropriate, in her eyes, to do so. So, I had no physical
means of reassuring her in a new crowd of people.
And what a crowd! Before, I was the only TV she really knew. Now, suddenly, my
wife was faced with bus loads of TV's. The closest I can come to describing her
at this point is to compare her to Dorothy when she landed in the land of Oz -
wide eyed and apprehensive. The only difference was that she couldn't cling to
Toto, for old Toto was dressed like Toto-ette.
She managed, however, to carry on. It is important to note here, that throughout
the weekend, my wife referred to me as her husband and by my male name. She
didn't feel comfortable referring to me as Nancy or to herself as a significant
other.
SMART MOVE #7: I didn't make this an issue. There was more than enough
for her to deal with without fighting over a trivial issue. After all, what's in
a name? The people who knew me and whom we associated with that weekend picked
up on the name issue and were very cooperative. Besides, I have never cared for
the term "significant other". Now pause here and think for a moment. If my wife
is the significant other, does that mean that I'm the insignificant other?
Before we boarded the bus, she met Richard Docter and on the bus, we sat near
Sandra Cole, by a stroke of luck. This gave me an idea.
SMART MOVE #8: Once we arrived at the boat, I tried to manage the seating
so that my wife was next to a real woman. I did. We had dinner with Mariette P.
Allen and Sandra Cole, as well as Jamie and a very nice crossdresser from the
Pittsburgh area. By being in close proximity to a real woman who was comfortable
with crossdressers, my wife was more at ease. She could follow their lead,
listen to their conversation, and share in it. In effect, the real woman gave my
wife the reassurance that everything was
okay, that I couldn't. The girl from Pittsburgh helped tremendously by pointing
out interesting sights and describing Pittsburgh. In all, dinner was enjoyable
and successful.
Once dinner was over, we excused ourselves and went out on deck.
SMART MOVE #9: Though we didn't see the show, I felt it was time to give
my wife a break. On the open deck of the boat she was able to regroup and relax
again. While on deck, we ran into Richard Docter, with whom we started a
conversation. As he and my wife seemed to get along well, I slowly backed out of
the conversation. This was good, for my wife was able to enjoy an easy
conversation with a man whose book she had read. They didn't discuss
crossdressing. In fact, I forgot what they discussed. It didn't matter, however.
What was important was that she was becoming comfortable with some of the people
who belong to and work with our paraculture.
The bus ride back was quiet and uneventful. The rest of the evening in the room,
however, was not.
SMART MOVE #10: Once back, we both washed the make-up off and went to bed
as we normally do back home, as husband and wife. For the first time all day, we
hugged, kissed and...., Well, she was gone for two weeks. But this was
important. By quickly reverting to our traditional romantic roles (sorry, best
way I could think of describing it), I was able to reassure her that nothing in
our relationship had changed.
DAY TWO: ON HER OWN
Day two started with FUBAR #4: Forgetting to move watches from central to
eastern time zone (Gee Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!). We
therefore didn't have time for breakfast together. Instead, she got up, dressed,
and went to the first significant other session of the day. This left me free to
get dressed at my leisure and trot on down to the cafe for that all important
first cup of coffee (some habits just transcend the gender question). For the
balance of the morning, I did not see her as she went to the morning SO sessions
and I flittered about.
Even at lunch, we missed each other. This concerned me. After all, there was
always the possibility that she heard something from one of the other wives that
upset her. Running back to the room to pick up several outfits that I was to
model during the luncheon, I failed to find her there or along the way. Assuming
she had already gone to the luncheon, I picked up my outfits and rushed back to
the changing room. As I was anxious to confirm that my wife was, in fact, at the
luncheon, I went with the first group to model.
It didn't take me long to discover that she wasn't there. Now, stuck between the
proverbial rock and hard place, I did two quick changes, discharged my duties as
a model as quickly as possible, and headed back to the room. As I was en route,
I finally saw my wife across the lobby. With dresses in hand, I chased her.
As it turned out, instead of eating lunch, my wife had decided to go to the
local AAA club after the morning sessions in order to get directions to her
sister-in-law's house in Pittsburgh. This was a great relief to me.
SMART MOVE #11: Though they were holding lunch for the models, I decided
to go back to the hotel cafe with my wife and have lunch with her alone. This
gave her an opportunity to tell me about her experiences and observations from
that morning's sessions. Though she didn't discuss details (code of silence was
in effect), she compared her views with those of the other wives'. This was the
first time she had ever been able to do so.
Like the day before, we had lunch in the company of a mixed crowd. Unlike the
day before, my wife was at ease. Her conversation was open and normal. There
were no fugitive glances to the left or right, or sudden tenseness when the
waitress approached. My wife had become comfortable in my presence when I was
dressed.
The rest of Friday afternoon was quite anti-climactic. While we enjoyed our late
and leisurely lunch, we missed the first afternoon session. That, however, did
not matter to us. We were holding our own impromptu session over lunch. We both
did manage to make the last session of the day, which was a combined husband and
wife discussion group. It was interesting for both of us, but the real work of
the day had already been accomplished.
That night, I probably did the smartest thing of the whole weekend. Rather than
go to the BE ALL dance that night, which might have been awkward, I decided to
change from dresses to male clothing and take my wife out to dinner in
Pittsburgh. Now, it wasn't much of a date. We ate at Houlihan's, a chain we were
familiar with, at a shopping mall in Pittsburgh and then walked through a store
named Horn's.
But this action rates as SMART MOVE #12: Again, I provided immediate
reinforcement to the fact that my crossdressing wasn't changing our roles or me
as a person.
At this point, one might ask the question: After knowing about the crossdressing
for ten years, why harp on the need to reinforce the fact that the relationship
hadn't changed? The answer is simple. While it is true my wife had known for
nine years, she had never been confronted face-to-face with it physically. For
nine years, she had only seen and lived with him. The crossdressing was
something that she was able to ignore. In her mind, the times I went out and
dressed, or attended group meetings, didn't concern her. During the BE ALL
gathering, she couldn't ignore the issue. Hence the need to be gentle with the
introduction and to reinforce the fact that the relationship she had married
into was healthy and still in place.
THE LAST DAY
On Saturday, my wife went to Pittsburgh to visit her sister-in-law while I
flittered about and conducted business, attended sessions, and visited friends.
In effect, my wife gave me the day off, freeing me to slip into my normal
convention mode rather than hovering about, being concerned for her mental
well-being. Besides, she got to see her sister-in-law, her niece, Pittsburgh,
and do some serious shopping (three dresses worth).
That evening, as we prepared for dinner, we had a lot of fun playing with our
make-up, dresses and jewelry. In three days, we had come a long way. My wife had
now seen me in all stages of dress and preparation, and it didn't bother her.
While we had shared things before, we were now able to really enjoy it, for I
knew she accepted me completely and she knew that I was me, her husband,
regardless of how I dressed.
That evening at dinner, I was able to get some good seating again. We ate with
Linda Buten and her significant other from Cincinnati, another girl and her SO
from Linda's group, Kathy G., a TS from my home group, and Richard Docter.
Richard Docter sat between us and was a perfect gentleman. Linda, her friend,
and their wives were also perfect company, providing a natural, easy going and
supportive atmosphere. Had I planned this for months, it couldn't have been
better.
As the next day was going to be a long and busy one, my wife retired early,
insisting that I stay and enjoy myself. With amazingly little arm-twisting, she
talked me into it. So ended my wife's big adventure.
CONCLUSION
All the books I've ever read on writing state that you need a conclusion. Rule
of thumb is: the conclusion is the point where the author gets tired of writing.
Well, I'm tired.
One may ask, what can I gain from this story? Like any history, and this is a
rather simple history, there are lessons that can be learned. But you must be
careful to draw the proper conclusions and lessons. To begin with, the above was
a story, not a cookbook recipe for how to introduce your wife to the wonderful
world of crossdressing. Furthermore, no one can ever replicate the conditions
that we operated under. The above story describes a one time, unique set of
occurrences.
What I hope you glean out of this is the need to understand who you are and to
understand your wife. I invited my wife to join me in Pittsburgh because I felt
she could deal with it. This feeling was intuitive, not analytical. I could have
been wrong, but wasn't. I had judged the time correctly.
Concerning the mechanics, I have attempted to point out those areas where I
believe I erred, or did something good. I didn't go into the weekend with a
grand strategy, plotting every move and contingency (hence, numerous FUBARs).
Again, I trusted my intuitive judgment. Some of what I did might not work for
someone else. A different woman might have reacted entirely differently seeing
her husband dressed as a woman at the Pittsburgh airport (and you know
something, I wouldn't blame her if she had stopped, turned and walked away).
Some things, like the Friday night dinner at Houlihan's, might be necessary.
What I am trying to say here is that you have to do what is right for you and
your wife. Advice is great; knowledge and your gut feeling is better.
This brings up the final, and perhaps most important lesson I would like all you
married crossdressers to walk away with. Be sensitive to the needs of your
spouse. Consider for a moment that you are working hard at looking like, and
acting like a woman. What better way to develop your feminine self than to adopt
a caring, giving, open and empathic attitude toward your own spouse? All I ask
is that when you do, approach the problem as the woman you are trying so hard to
look like would. The results might surprise you.
Till next time, take care.
SOURCE: INTERNATIONAL FOUNDATION FOR GENDER EDUCATION (IFGE)
P.O. Box 367, Wayland, MA 01778
Copyright - IFGE
This article is
Published on TGGuide.com with express
permission of the Author. All rights are reserved by the original
author. Any reproduction without permission is prohibited.
ARTICLE SUBMISSIONS:
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transgender community. We will include information about the
author along with links back to your web site. Please submit
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