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  1. Emma added a post in a topic This column is about transgender people and it’s perfectly ordinary   

    Christy, negativity is certainly hard to deal with - for everyone - and especially for trans people. We have it internally as we stress about so much, and externally receive it from others. I'm not very good at dealing with it myself. I try to be mindful, to focus on what's in front of me right now, and then to enjoy what I see. Sometimes that works, sometimes it fails miserably. 
    I think we also like to vent with others, to have people hear our stories, our trials, tribulations, and receive encouragement. It's like receiving a thousand likes on FB or here for that matter. It feels good but it's like an addictive drug, we crave more. 
    I don't think there is an answer that gets rid of negativity, even what we generate ourselves internally. It's part of being human. It sucks but so does dieting, taxes, and illness (in reverse priority order). 
    The reason that paragraph spoke to me is that I have a friend who runs a podcast about trans people and she's invited me to be on it. I don't have a firm date for when we'll do it but I hope it's soon. I've thought a fair amount about what I'll say and what we should talk about. It seems to me that my goal is to share a slice of my life as a 60+ year old trans woman, and to joyfully demonstrate that I'm pretty darned happy in my life. Indeed I've suffered a lot to get here and still have ups and downs, and I suppose I'll tell some of that for context. Overall I would love it if cisgender listeners will understand even a little bit more that trans people are nice and decent members of society, deserving of love and respect like anyone else. 
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  2. Christy added a post in a topic This column is about transgender people and it’s perfectly ordinary   

    Thanks Emma for sharing this article. I have been struggling with all the negativity that people have and don’t want any part of it. Life is too short. Say what you mean, mean what you say but don’t say it mean. Because there is no reason to. There needs to be more positive everyday stories about trans persons in the media but that doesn’t sell as well. So what can I do? Send positive responses or comments to those who produce them. If I want someone to consider my point of view (especially if they are uninformed) than I can’t force it on them. They need space to absorb it, contemplate what it means to them. Just like I can move to fast in my transition the trans movement can also move to fast in the world that just does not understand yet. When something is forced on me I tend to get defensive. The positive stories of our world are the key to unlock a lot of closed doors. Thank you again for opening my mind a bit more. 
    Christy
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  3. Emma added a topic in Transgender News & Happenings   

    This column is about transgender people and it’s perfectly ordinary
    This column really spoke to me. Love the writer's name too! :-)
    This column is about transgender people and it’s perfectly ordinary
    This paragraph means a lot to me:
    Howe doesn’t want to sugar-coat the sad stuff. She just wants to read more about the joyful stuff. And she puts her money where her mouth is. When journalism students at the University of Oregon asked if they could profile her for their assignments, she told them:| “I’m happy to have you do a story on me, but no more stories about my battle with the world. No more stories about my struggle to live. Please don’t ever ask me my opinion on the bathroom again because the only one I’m going to give you is that I think more public institutions should be required to use Charmin.”
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  4. MonicaPz added a comment on a blog entry Just when I thought I was In-They threw me back out-then back in   

    Dear Christy, Emma and Chrissy,
    Agree wholeheartedly with Chrissy.
    Have led many support and social groups in my time, and I always seek out a co-facilitator, and in a social group, I change out the co-facilitator at each meeting.
    It is very important to have a sense of continuity in a group.
    Your friend,
    Monica
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  5. Chrissy added a comment on a blog entry Just when I thought I was In-They threw me back out-then back in   

    Christy and Monica,
    Just an addition - depending on the type of group, making friends isn't necessarily the main consideration. If it's an actual therapy group there are usually rules against socializing outside of the group (which are necessary to achieve the therapy goals), if it's a support group then there aren't usually those same restrictions, but still the main purpose is to have a safe space to share experiences. It doesn't sound like that was happening, but there are groups out there that do it. It depends very much on the particular members - I've done one group that really did not work out, it was smaller and had a couple of toxic personalities. As facilitator you try to screen that out during the orientation process, but sometimes it doesn't come through that quickly. Another group I recently did went really really well - the members were truly supportive of each other and over time became "self-correcting" (so if one member started in on something inappropriate for the group others would jump in and correct it, but still in a very supportive manner).
    I also wouldn't focus too much on the "why" people or groups are the way they are - people are complex, certainly insecurity drives a lot of maladaptive behavior, but then there's the question of why a particular person might be insecure, and we often have no way of knowing that (even working one-on-one with people in therapy it can take time to get to those answers).
    I don't know how many options are available to you in your area - but if you're looking for a safe space to share then I think the best option would be to find a closed rather than an open group - a closed group is one that typically screens in members, and members are expected to attend each week for a certain number of weeks. Open groups will usually happen weekly and anyone can show up whenever they want. In a closed group you have the best chance for group bonding to happen.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
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  6. MonicaPz added a comment on a blog entry Just when I thought I was In-They threw me back out-then back in   

    Dear Christy, Emma and Chrissy,
    Sounds a lot like the Lesbian community - cliquish and clannish! 
    In Tampa Bay, Florida, I was lucky to find a wide variety of groups to choose from.
    Please be aware this behavior is driven by insecurity.
    When I go to a meeting, my hope or goal is to meet at least one other attendee that I hope to become acquainted and hopefully friends with.
    When I encounter a lot of hostility or negativity, I try to graciously back out.
    Right now, I am only friends with one Lesbian couple I meet with monthly, and I correspond with another Lesbian I have never physically met but have been writing to her for 5 years now.
    My suggestion is to try to make friends one at a time instead of with the whole group. If you are lucky enough to make friends with one of the leaders, you will stand a chance to make more friends from that group. Look for groups that are more inclusionary rather than exclusionary.
    Hope this helps.
    Your friend,
    Monica
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  7. Emma added a comment on a blog entry Just when I thought I was In-They threw me back out-then back in   

    I can also relate to Chrissy's response. There are a lot of us who carry heavy loads of emotional baggage, perhaps mostly thanks to having grown up in conditions and society that didn't embrace us for what we are. And everyone has their own personalities, some that we bond with and some where for whatever reason the chemistry just isn't right. 
    Frankly while I have some good trans friends and enjoy their company I also like to hang with non-trans people, perhaps even more. We do talk a little about me, etc., but I enjoy just being out and about as myself, and forget that I'm transgender! 
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  8. Chrissy added a comment on a blog entry Just when I thought I was In-They threw me back out-then back in   

    Christy,
    I'm curious, you said you had been to this group before, had the experience been very different?  I'm wondering if something was just off at this particular session?  Having said that, it was clearly VERY off and I can see what it would be so disturbing. I've facilitated several trans support groups over the past year and I would never introduce political topics - if they come up we let them happen, just reminding people to "speak from the I" to avoid people feeling targeted.
    I did attend an "open" trans group in NYC several years ago and had a bad experience with that - it was 35-40 people, and there was a lot of aggression going on there. In that case the person running the group was taking a very hands-off approach. I never went back to it (that was what prompted me to look into facilitating groups myself).
    I agree with Emma's idea though, see if you can gather some people for a less formal "group" - Meetup is a great resource for that.
    xoxo
    Chrissy
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  9. Emma added a comment on a blog entry Who Are You?   

    Hi Christy,
    Passing doesn't matter much to me any longer either. I stopped wearing most of my makeup over the last couple of months, as I realized that 1) my beard cover was too orange-y, 2) my foundation never looked "right," and 3) despite going out and buying more/different it was such a hassle. Regardless of my makeup my facial features are what they are and I do have a high forehead. 
    I just try to look nice and dress appropriately when I go out. Today it's black fleece leggings, a blue REI top, and a cute pinkish jean jacket I picked up at The Rack about a week ago. I do love dresses but the occasion has to be special enough to call for it. 
    We all have fears, and trans women I think have more than their fair share. I probably suggested this before but please read this, perhaps even daily: A Guide to Fear Mastery. 
    Maybe with time and experience you'll also find that in general, people treat us quite nicely, especially when we exude confidence in our presence (stand up straight and smile!). Some look at us crosseyed, possibly as their mind tries to sort us out, perhaps with some disdain. I just throw them a smile and often enough they smile back. Even if it's a reflex that they might wish they hadn't done I always wonder if they reflect on it and maybe, just maybe, ponder that hey, I'm not so unusual after all. Yes, there are people who are more antagonistic. So long as they don't resort to anything violent or scary then I just don't give a crap about them. Look at them closely enough without being challenging so they know that you have filed away a memory of them if needed later (such as for a police report). And then move on. 
    I don't like my voice. Like just now I received a call from a man who heard me for the first time. My voice is trained to some extent to sound more feminine but here again it is what it is. 
    I just found that over time I cared less and less. And when I felt my fears (which was often) I would repeat to myself this phrase from the Fear Mastery Guide: 
    Whenever we feel fear, it means we’re up against some kind of wall … on the other side of the wall is some kind of freedom.
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  10. Emma added a comment on a blog entry Just when I thought I was In-They threw me back out-then back in   

    That therapist does sound pretty screwed up. Time to set up a new meeting? Perhaps attend one more of these and accumulate email addresses of  people you think would like it, and then go to MeetUp.com and set up a dinner meeting. We have these in various restaurants, with 15 or so attendees, every two weeks. It’s mostly social and we do help each other. 
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  11. Christy added a blog entry in Christy   

    Just when I thought I was In-They threw me back out-then back in
    After a tough week I had turned the corner once again and I was feeling really good about my transition mentally & physically. So, I was very excited to go to a trans group meeting very close to where I live. I haven't been to this meeting in some time and was looking forward to meeting new people as well as a couple that a friend told me about. I have one friend that I met at the first trans group meeting and we talk/text on a regular basis. We have a nice relationship helping each other sort out our difficulties, bouncing thoughts off each other and celebrate the good things in our lives. He (FTM) has been to some of the meetings that I missed and was excited for me to meet a transgender girl that he has befriended. They have been spending time together with their families. He said that she would possibly be a good resource for me as she is a bit farther along in her transition and is still married to her cis gender wife. (same as me). So, I was really excited to meet this person. Their were 2 other people there that I haven't met yet and they are much younger then myself (18ish). One is a trans girl and she seems sweet. The other is a trans male and is also very sweet. They are married which surprised me a bit only because they are so young. The meeting started late because the gender therapist who hosts the group was in a meeting in the back. We all talked for about 30 mins about this or that while we waited and it was very nice and pleasant. When the person my friend told me about arrived I introduced myself and she said hello but was kind of stand offish. I guess I expected her to greet me differently as my friend has told her about me (he asked me first if he could). I was a little thrown off by that but no big deal, people have their own stuff going on and she looked like there was something on her mind. Oh, well...on with the meeting all is good and I felt comfortable. The therapist tries to start the meeting but keeps pacing back and forth between the window and the group. She says she is looking for someone who might show up late. I'm not sure how or who started the conversation but almost immediately the topic & tenner went to politics and became toxic. Negative energy filled the meeting, even the group members that didn't want to be in this negative conversation were drawn into it. I bit my lip and attempted to get in a zone of non-judgment but the negative energy was growing. I was starting to shift around in my seat. The topics went from Trump, insurance companies, Low Pride turn out, Haters, lbgt struggles, crapy employers, bad primary care physician's , ignorant endocrinologist's, misinformed psychiatrist, the horrible congress, Trump, Obama, Clinton, Comey back and forth on and on. All negative. Every time the negative energy seemed to fizzle and the group became quite the therapist was there to throw another log on the fire. Almost as if she enjoyed getting everyone fired up and ready to protest or something. Is this why I'm here? I feel like crap! I want to be happy! Help!!! Personally, I make a tremendous effort in my life to refrain from negative actions, thoughts and people. All while trying really hard to think of others, to be aware of my ego and my surroundings. I work on it but I am only human. Everything happens for a reason in life so I was trying to see why this was happening and if I could help or learn from it. I couldn't stay any longer though, it just became too much and I started questioning everything about transitioning again. I was falling quickly backwards mentally. Is this what I can look forward to in the transgender community locally? Crap. I need to find a new group. There is NO way I will survive in this group or want this in my life at all. Zero. Intellectually, I understand that some people have had past experiences that can effect their view of the world. I have spent many years helping people get sober and working with them to get through a boat load of issues. It's some of the most important and gratifying accomplishments of my life so far. To see a person come from the depths of hell to the light of life is tough to put into words. The ripple effect that this transformation has on family, friends and the world is astounding to witness and feel. I am truly honored to be a part of it. I was about to excuse myself from the meeting but as my weight shifted forward to stand my friend spoke up. He asked if we could change the tone of the meeting "Can we get off this negative stuff?". Awesome timing. The therapist agreed and we went around the room letting each member talk about how they are doing. Great. But (yes there it is) the therapist would not stop adding or relating or disparaging someone or something in a negative way. The group was fine, productive, talking and learning about each other when we were controlling the flow of the conversation (great energy). There is something wrong with the therapist and I have my own ideas about that but that is none of my business. I left the meeting feeling like crap and I needed to talk to someone but it was late at that point and my friend was busy so I went home thinking I might do some reading. When I got home my wife was up and had a ton of things that she needed to talk about so I listened and tried to help if I could. We had a nice talk. I went to bed exhausted but I had a bad nights sleep. As I went through my day today I thought about last night and wondered what my future might look like, knowing things will change. Then I thought of the 2 younger people I met and what was said by everyone in the group. It was all really good, positive and inspiring in many ways so I called my friend to talk about it. We both felt the same way about the meeting and also affirmed our gender identity in very similar ways to each other. We had a great conversation. This is his therapist I am talking about and I think she has her net wrapped around him and he knows it (he needs the letters from her), but that is for him to decided $$$ . So, what did I learn. That trans gender people are stronger than I knew, that we all have this common issue that brings us together in an understanding that others truly can't understand. It's a lot like an AA group in that way really. We don't judge each other. We care about and truly want to help each other. Sure, there are always going to be different points of view on life but that's okay. Heck that is what makes life exciting. If everyone was exactly the same, life would be dull. Even Transgender therapists can try and throw shit at us. The younger generation has such a great grasp on who they are and who they want to be. They are organized. They need our help. The older trans community has wisdom. That I underestimated people. Good and bad. That I am truly unique and the same in so many ways. I will not be putting myself back in that therapists arena again. I need to reach out to other trans people no matter how old. I asked myself last night "Is this what I can look forward to in the transgender community locally?" No, that was just a bad nonprofessional therapist (IMO) the people who are transgender are much more. I am very thankful that I didn't leave that meeting before I was able to hear from the group (when the energy was better). I'll just have to keep on learning and we will see where that takes me.
    Don't hate....love....find it.....it's there waiting.
    Christy
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  12. Christy added a comment on a blog entry Who Are You?   

    "Passing never even crosses my mind."
    Thanks Alyna58,
    I wish it didn't matter to me but nope. That was probably the first question I thought of. Makes me think........uhmmm.
    I do try my best to enjoy life, but not everyday is roses and that's okay by me. I guess not recognizing myself caught me off guard so I wrote about it. It did send me into a tail spin for awhile. That has passed (I think) and new questions have popped up so I'll write about those as well. I do have to admit that passing seems to be a big issue for me right now, but that may change in the future, only time will tell. I like to ask questions, it helps me work through issues better and most of the time someone brings up something that I never thought of. One small step at a time.
    Have a fun day!
    Christy
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  13. Christy added a comment on a blog entry More on that   

    Thanks Monica!
     Yes I have been getting caught up in some negative thinking. I try to get myself back on track but it can be hard at times. Meditation does help but I have a strong case of the monkey brain right now and not enough time to just sit. I need to make the time. I’ve been trying to do too much for others so I will take some time for me this week. 
    Christy
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  14. Alyna58 added a comment on a blog entry Who Are You?   

    it's been over 3 years now. Passing never even crosses my mind. surgery by the end of next year. I am happy and successful. Life is great. as far as who you are. The same person you always were. only the way the world sees you has changed.enjoy your life! 
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  15. KarenPayne added a blog entry in Karen's thoughts   

    My new job
    Four years ago, my company decided to implement a canned solution for the business which meant after the four-year process those (like me) developers that were not part of the migration from old systems to new systems would be placed into a very different position with the same pay, extremely easy work. Sounds great unless you’re like me, not into easy work.
    So I emailed the CIO of a sister company asking if they had any positions open? Side note, she knew me as a male when she worked in my company. Also, I was loaned out to this company two years ago for two months.
    Was told there were no positions open but then was asked to meet her (this by the way was in the beginning of December 2017) and the IT manager two weeks later. Talked for an hour with no openings.
    On the weekend prior to New Year’s my manager calls me into her office, said that I was asked to do a six-month rotation at the other company and was informed the next day would be my first day.
    Well I’ve been there ever since and they did find a position for me but will not be open until June 2018 and will start the hire process two weeks before my rotation is up.
    Now the important part, since I’ve been here nobody knows of my past except for the CIO and one other manager. I simply blend in, nobody has a clue of my former identity. Now the key for those still on the path to transitioning is your overall presentation both physically as in appearance and of course voice and mentally which means you believe you are female and have worked on all aspects of being female no matter if you are below average, average or better than average matched to a cisgender female your personality will shine through as female. 
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  16. Christy added a blog entry in Christy   

    Tough week.
    This week started out pretty good. Went to the beach with some friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. They stayed with us for a couple of days and everything went well. I was nervous (they don’t know I’m trans) but they are good people and we had fun. The kids all had fun as well. Then after they left I went downhill mentally and started to feel like transitioning was all wrong. I tried to get myself out of it but the blues just kept coming back. Life was gray and I was just trying to make it through the day. I was exhausted early in the day and unmotivated to engage in life. I was starting to feel the need to distance myself from trans friends that I really like. Boy clothes seemed more comfortable to wear. My mind was busy trying to explain everything, after all I just had a great weekend. I was utterly convinced at one point that transition was not for me. I spent the next couple of days coming up with another plan for my life but I still kept taking hrt and dressing a tiny bit girly. I will stay on hrt until my next Endo appointment (14 days) to see how my levels are and get a longer supply of hrt. I wanted to have a supply of hrt just in case I changed my mind. I just kept going to work and taking care of the kids but I was getting really blue. I felt like a zombie. Then I read Elsa’s blog and  I just love the way she talks about herself as 2 separate people sharing the same body. It makes perfect sense to me because I have been having letting them battle each other for years. Without knowing it!!! Dam. I had never thought of talking about myself in that context before. I have always thought since I was very young that a female spirit would enter my body at times and try to take over. I would even ask or demand that she leave me alone and go away. I had an older sister that past away right after birth a year or two before I was born. So, I figured it was her messing with me and then when I was older I thought maybe I was really her all along. I was a girl born for a very short time and then re born again but in a boy body this time. Someone missed the memo!  She’s pissed 😠. I’m pissed 😤. We are pissed 😡. Man is this all confusing and how the hell do you talk to about this. Who could understand this? I can’t even understand it. But something has always told me “you are on too something here “. Not sure but.........uhmmmm. My mom told me that I had an imaginary friend when I was young and his name was mick s. I have no memory of that at all but apparently I would spend a lot of time with him. I would talk to him as if he was standing right in front of my parents. It freaked them out a bit. My mom said that I knew that they could not see him and it was “ok”.  Then one day I stopped. I don’t remember anything about it. So, when I read Elsa’s post it all clicked and I started thinking about things that way again . As 2 people. This morning I got up before the sunrise and sat in the faint light talking to the 2 of me. I asked him to let her have today. I looked down at my legs and saw pretty girly legs, hips, waist and chest. All the gray/blue feelings slowly lifted and I said thank you. I feel back on track with life and I’m excited to talk with these 2 a bit more. It goes along the 2 spirit philosophy of Native American culture which I have been drawn to for many years. Wow life sure is interesting. Luv liv learn and we will see what happens.
    Christy 
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  17. Christy added a comment on a blog entry More on that   

    Emma I am happy for you to have your voice! I have been working on that and can see some light at the end of the tunnel. My female voice has popped out on its own a couple of times. It has been a tough week mentally for me. 
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  18. Christy added a comment on a blog entry My inner battle, Elsa v William   

    Nice quote Emma! Elsa thank you for sharing that. I have been in a funk for the last week. It slowly grew over time without me realizing it. I was seriously thinking about my transition. I had strong feelings that this was all wrong and that I was just a selfish person. I have to stop. Somehow. Life slowly became gray. I lost almost all ambition for work and family. I was just existing trying to make it through the day. “Maybe I will feel better tomorrow “ I said. But no...until I read your post. This is exactly what was happening to me. The boy was taking over and I was on a path that leads to a place of depression. I’ve been there and do not want to go back.  Thank you. I like thinking about myself as 2 people battling for control. Makes sense to me. 
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  19. Emma added a comment on a blog entry My inner battle, Elsa v William   

    Nicely said, Elsa. Sometimes breaking free of our gender assigned at birth is like achieving escape velocity. 
    “Ground Control to Major Tom
    Commencing countdown, engines on”
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  20. Elsa added a blog entry in Elsa   

    My inner battle, Elsa v William
    Hi all
    Another journal entry I would like to share.
    William had taken over the last few days and we went downhill. I could not break through until early this morning. Finally I rested back control. I had to reaffirm my femininity.
    I am a female, 
    I embrace being female,
    I love all things feminine.
    I kept repeating this mantra for a few minutes after I woke up, before I got out of bed. My mood lifted immediately. 
    These are critical emotions for me to understand.
    If William takes to much control and suppresses me we go into a funk and if I let that funk continue it will quickly turn into full blown depression, that blackness comes and with it the dark thoughts, we cease to live and simply exist
    It is only when I take control that we come alive again. It is only I as Elsa do we
    become whole, depression lifts and my thoughts are bright and well
    lit. 
    It is only as by me being female that I live and not simply exist.
    I take great heart that when I take over and William fades we become a more complete person and I know that being female is the right path.
    Hugs Elsa
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  21. MonicaPz added a comment on a blog entry More on that   

    Dear Christy and Emma,
    Heard "try another browser" from the tech experts from Microsoft, of all people! 😉
    We must always be aware of our self-talk. Am amazed how easily I can slip into negative self-talk! 😈 
    In the same vein, I try to actively use positive self-talk, such as when I keep my temper, saying to myself, "good job!" 😇
    Your friend,
    Monica
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  22. Emma added a comment on a blog entry More on that   

    ​Yes, looks good now. I was going to suggest trying a different browser if all else failed!
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  23. Christy added a comment on a blog entry More on that   

    Ok I just redid the blog it should have everything. 
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  24. Christy added a blog entry in Christy   

    More on that
    So, the last blog was cut off somehow but I’m not sure what the heck I did so I’ll try to remember my thoughts. The judgements I was saying to myself went something like this after seeing myself in the mirror. Early morning.... “you look like hell” or “you look great “or “who are you female or male”. The feeling of not recognizing myself for a second is really disconcerting and sends a dull dread through the core of my body. It’s a kind of ughhh feeling. The look that popped onto my face was very much like the look I get from people when I think I’m being clocked. It is also the same look from friends that haven’t seen me for a while. I had to ask myself “am I clocking myself!” I guess I was in a way. Didn’t see that coming. It also has helped me understand the way people react initially. The feeling of dread became overwhelming and fear started taking over. Thoughts like there is no way I can move forward, I can’t handle this, I better stop now, what the hell am I doing! I have let this steer the course of my life for years but this was on a different level. So, what to do.... wait, remember and stay quiet in the mind. I have to go backwards in my head remembering exactly what and how I felt for my entire life. Now comes the tricky part. There were times in the past where I was fine with my gender and the dysphoria was not there. Maybe I was preoccupied with other things? Maybe Hormonal balance was different or something with my body chemistry. I just don’t know and maybe never will. What I do know is that generally I am much happier these days and much healthier as well. So, after staying calm about all this l decided to keep being me and not worry about everything. I’m a good person so let’s just stick with that for the time being. Since I wrote the first part of this my mind has calmed down and I feel good. Today I’m going to the beach with some friends who are in town (this should be interesting) and I have no idea what will happen but I know exactly who I will be. Me. Oh and by the way when I looked in the mirror today I did recognize the girl looking back. What a fascinating experience. I am lucky. Stay sweet girls and think of me bouncing around on the beach 🏖. LOL.  
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  25. Christy added a blog entry in Christy   

    Who Are You?
    Who are you? Who am I? What am I? What am I going to be?......As I sit here with some time on my hands this thought came to mind. How would I describe myself too myself if I didn't know me. Yes, that is kind of crazy in a round about way but it is the exact question I have been asking myself lately. At times I will look in the mirror and I for a second not even recognize myself. This seems to happen the most when I first wake up. Making my way in the dark towards the coffee pot I sometimes catch an unexpected glance from a stranger in the full length mirror. I usually stop for a second to look closer, trying to see the me I am used to seeing. This takes a moment for me, to see me, and then I start making judgements upon myself as if I where someone else. Crazy? No.?.?. The judgments are something along the lines of "good lord you look like hell" or "Do I look female or male?" or "wow you look good" (although that comment usually isn't in the morning). Anyway I slice it, the feeling of not being able to instantly recognize myself is really unsettling, causing a dreadful dulling of my spirit. It's in the pit of my soul so to speak. A kind of ughhhhhhh I don't like this at all. What am I doing???Where am I going???? Oh! No! I better stop this crazy ride Jane!!!! But time will pass, I will see the future me, maybe a glimpse in the mirror, some naturally occurring expression, mannerism or feeling and I will let out a ahhhhh everything is going to be okay. The other thing I thought of is that when I look into the mirror and don't see me right away. The expression on my face is very similar to the ones on people clocking me. I think I might be clocking myself!! What!?!?...Is that even possible?? I must say thank the good lord that I have a good sense of humor and love to laugh. Don't take yourself to seriously. I hope you laugh today.
    Christy
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