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  1. Annie added a post in a topic I'd rather wear a dress   

    Sadly, happy endings happen most often in fiction and movies. Call me jaundiced by life.

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  2. Annie added a post in a topic I'm married to a transgendered   

    What a pile of misconceptions we have HERE.

    First, in my case I always always told potential friends and lovers exactly how I saw myself. There was no hiding for years and suddenly Annie popped out like a Jill-in-the-box. Acceptance and knowledge of the inner me was a litmus test I used to separate genuine friends from fair-weather ones or those who are so closed-minded as to think me somehow wrong and evil for just existing.

    Second, when someone switches affiliations as it were, that is, they are no longer attracted to one sex but the other, this isn't as simple as you think. Either the potential was always there for this preference and/or the person was loaded down with guilt feelings instilled by upbringing and society that same sex relations are an abomination.

    There are cases where gays undergo reassignment surgery thinking wrongly that they are the opposite gender, and then have had HUGE regrets post-operatively. This mistake is most often fueled by GUILT-- what we learn in our childhoods stays with us forever. The "you're gonna burn in hell for that" syndrome strikes deep in the heart.

    Lastly, after being on hormones in one form or another for over 27 years, I can tell you I have undergone NO "rewiring". I loved women and longed to be female when I was a kid, and now that I'm Annie, I still prefer them. The only man I've ever been attracted to is an FtM.


    PS to "no comprende": You say here we should "stay out of the lives of others." What would you have us do-- lock ourselves away in a dungeon? Move to "trans" sylvania? It is this close minded attitude that makes the world the miserable place that it is.

    Footnote: In my estimation, the best, most right-on analytical posts on this string are all by Michael. Those are the ones to reread and consider.
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  3. been where you are added a post in a topic I'm married to a transgendered   


    Hi. Sorry you are going through this. I've read through some of the responses here and think Jo'C's response of 7/27 was probably the best. Check out the Straight Spouse Network.
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  4. No comprende added a post in a topic I'm married to a transgendered   

    I do understand that and I understand that a lot of gay/lesbian people do so in an attempt to prove that they are straight and that they can maintain a heterosexual relationship.

    Why dont all of you fess up to what you really are and live those lives? If you cant find the strenth to live your real lives, then stay out of the lives of others and dont involve them in your lies of trying to be someting you arent!! Why would you let somebody love you and go on thinking that you are one person when you know that you really arent? Then, after they have invested their lives in you for 10-20-40 years you say, "oh, BTW, I am really THIS and can't stay with you anymore if you won't accept me as this. Or- sorry, but after Ive done hormones for two years now, I no longer want woman. The hormones have changed my brain and I want a woman."

    THATS fair?
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  5. Lori added a post in a topic Countries Listed on Server Stats   

    Can't we all just get along :lol:
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  6. UsernameOptional added a post in a topic I'm married to a transgendered   

    blue -
    no one is necessarily saying they don't understand what sad is going thru - in fact, quite to the contrary. we understand because this is how we are raised - taught that there are only two sides to the human race - MALE and FEMALE, each with a set of rules that one is not supposed to deviate from. that very edict-like concept is what makes us hide. we didn't make the rules - we are forced to a great degree to live with them.

    you have to consider that if the rules weren't as they are, sad's husband may never have been sad's husband to begin with, because somewhere in her early years, she'd have been able to confidently go to her parents and tell them she was not a little boy and her parents would have accepted her as she was. sad wouldn't be here lamenting the possible loss of a husband.

    something else that people like you and sad don't know is that many of us marry in a last ditch attempt to prove our GID will go away. this comes from many years of denial. many of us also get married because it is a way of being close to the gender we identify with. in your case - a lesbian relationship - it's highly possible that your g/f entered the gay community to have a relationship with a woman as the chances of having a relationship with a heterosexual woman would have been nil to none. in your g/f's world, the relationship was a male/female relationship - your g/f being the male half of that relationship.

    in such relationships, the FTM or MTF half will eventually "come out again" as the transsexual that they really are. just as in heterosexual male/female relationships, the non-transsexual half of a gay couple finds it difficult to accept that his or her partner is not the man or woman they thought.

    we are not trying to burn sad at the stake - simply trying and hoping that she will somehow find it in her to understand, and if nothing else, at least become her husband's friend even if they can no longer be a couple.

    yes, we've had years to deal with this. but while we've kept our true selves hidden, we've sacrificed our lives for the comfort and happiness of everyone else - quite often for many, MANY years. and for some - all their lives.

    so tell me... what's fair??

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  7. Mahar added a post in a topic Countries Listed on Server Stats   

    I must defend Calgary's houour Onguard :D
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  8. Blue added a post in a topic I'm married to a transgendered   

    I would like to say a few things if you all let me. My english is not perfect but i will try to explain myself.
    A month ago my girlfriend told me that she wants to be a man. We were a lesbian couple.

    I understand very well what this person "sad"is going thru and I think it is very easy for some of you to say "you have to understand that your husband is a she" and wanted her to get that in such a short time when it takes you people YEARS to accept yourself but you want her to accept it in a month.

    I do agree that she is acting very selfish and just thinking of herself but so you all do when you take the decision of going ahead, ok i understand that it is a matter of life for you but so it is for us.

    Sad, for you I would like to say that the person that you were living with doesnt exit anymore, actually it never did. Accept that that person has died ... Yes, your husband has died ... imagine that he died in a car accident, he is not gonna be there for you anymore. Think what you would feel like if that would have happened ....

    BUT now you have another chance, a woman with the same feelings, way of being and most of everything the love for you has come out. You have to decided if you wanna be with that woman as a partner, thats your right but you DO NOT have the right of telling her not to exit.

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  9. RedOne added a post in a topic I'd rather wear a dress   

    I meant this:
    IF eddie's quote is sincere
    "My wife and son mean everyting to me"
    Then anything his wife sees or discovers is OK because he has the passion to tell her that SHE is the ulitimate object of his desire (his quote) and only her hapiness matters to him. That allows her to reciprocate and let eddie discover his "sexiness" with her participating. In whatever it happens to be.
    I guess I am naive enough to believe that if each partner expresses their true feelings, then by their love to each other, they will try to help each reach their goals and bliss.
    Sorry to be so starry-eyed...
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  10. Tsumetai added a post in a topic Crossdressing   

    I find women's clothing seems a lot smaller than men's, like my male clothes are all a fair bit larger than my female clothes.

    I like striped bra's and G-strings, but its not for the sexual feeling, I just like G's.
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  11. Annie added a post in a topic I'd rather wear a dress   


    That is a big assumption to make.

    They say that men are insecure about their sexuality-- well I've found out everyone is. When a wife finds dresses in the closet that aren't hers, the first thing she thinks is: my husband is gay. Then: Does he have AIDS? Will he leave me for a man? Is he seeing one now? Does this make me a lesbian? etc.

    Not every woman is equipped to deal with having a crossdressing husband. I was always one for full disclosure; I told my GF's this stuff early on. Lost quite a few relationships that way. So, when a wife of X number of years stumbles onto the hidden secret, it's no surprise to me if her first reaction is to want a divorce. That's life. People have limitations.

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  12. Jo'C. added a post in a topic Crossdressing   

    For me women’s clothing just make me feel right. I feel softer and more emotionally receptive somehow. When I'm dressed I like myself more and feel more myself. I also love all of the great textures of women’s clothing as opposed to men’s, and that they feel so much softer and lighter.
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  13. Guest_Julie added a post in a topic Crossdressing   

    I guess I should register one of these days... too lazy to do that now as I wanted to type this out first.

    I don't feel like I have much of a feminine side at all as I'm definately happy to be a man but I have to admit I agree with you Mahar on that it is a stress relief. I guess I never thought about that side of it much. Mostly I just thought about how it makes me feel good once in a while.

    I don't feel like wearing female clothing every day nor do I feel like wearnign it for a full day. Just once in a while I like to slip something on especially at night. Even just a simple bra and panties under my regular clothes I find helps me relax at night. Kinda makes me more creative too. When I took drama in school I learned how much of an effect your clothes have on you. As a hobby I'm into computer programming and it's quite interesting to see how when I'm dressed in women's clothing I'll quite often think about things differently and realize things that I might not have realized right away.

    So I guess for me, aside from it being sexy, I find it just adds variety. Kinda makes me feel like a more whole person. I would really give so much if I were able to walk into just any store and buy something. I have longed to do that for so long. Buying things over the internet usually cost more because of shipping fees plus you have to wait for them to arrive. Not only that but you're only guessing if it'll fit you or not. That's something that drives me nuts about panties. A lot of people selling over the inetnet only give you sizes in S, M, L, etc and those aren't always consistant. I've bought some larges that fit fine and some larges that feel like smalls. There's not much more annoying that having that beautiful set of panties finally arive in the mail and then finding out that they don't fit.

    But ya, just figure'd I would ramble a bit.
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  14. Mahar added a post in a topic Crossdressing   

    Sexy feel is there for me but also I derive a sence of emotional release when I crossdress a chance to express feelings and toughts that I can't well being a man.

    I have a extremely deep female side I had an experience with a girl in which one day I made out with her and was turned on. But the next time I went out with her my mind was on the other side thinking how great it would be to be a women and be in her shoes. She tried to make out with me nothing happend.

    Well that was a little off topic

    I like the look and feel of womens clothes but it goes beyond that for me its a strees releaser and emotional valve. It's someting I need to do or I start to tense up. Which can be difficult because I can't bring myself to buy this stuff I still rather embarassed about it. :unsure:
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  15. RedOne added a post in a topic I'd rather wear a dress   

    Eddie, the key is what you already stated -
    "My wife and son mean everyting to me."
    Your wife didn't realize your love for this activity, but she must see your devotion you stated to the two of them. Give her time and understanding. Like you, she will only want your true happiness just like that is what she wants for your son. Once she realizes that this is no conflict between you, she will be happy to please you as you try and please her.
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  16. RedOne added a post in a topic Crossdressing   

    How funny Julie, I just mailed you and then I see this post...
    I am a lot like you, I like to wear women's clothes because it makes me feel so sexy! I am very comfortable being a guy and have spent my life being with women. But, when I dress, I'd like to try to please a man because I feel I know what he enjoys. Just for the sake of having sex. Two humans trying their hardest to please each other!
    I hope that was OK to share on this board? I am new here.
    I like Pink the best, but LOVE the look of innocent white. I also like tropical colors and floral. And Silk, Satin, Lacy, Shear, ok I'll stop...
    It is thrilling to meet all of you who also enjoy this activity!
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  17. Annie added a post in a topic I'm married to a transgendered   


    Reading your latest post, I just can't understand how you seem surprised NOW by your spouse's telling you she is female? I mean, according to you, all the clear evidence was there, even as more and more of it was being introduced.

    OK-- let me address your questions:

    So.....after all these years, now he's telling me that he has the brain of a woman? What am I to think? I had never heard of anything like a man having the brain of a woman.
    Why do YOU have the brain of a woman? She is who she is, in spite of outward appearances. She is a woman with an incongruent body, not a MAN at all! There is where your mistake lies. Appearances can be deceiving.

    ...and why does it get worse instead of better? Why can't we just live the rest of our lives happy together with no more changes?
    GID is progressive. Eventually, you either change or you die. Have you ever thought about that possibility?
    The suicide rate in the transgendered community is frighteningly high. I counsel from midnight to dawn, 7 nights a week, in a support chat, the main mission of which is to reduce the suicide rate among us. I can tell you from years of experience and personal knowledge of hundreds of cases, that one of the MAIN causes of the despondency I see is the ingrained sense of responsibility the TG feels to loved ones: parents, siblings, spouses and kids. They don't want to let everyone down simply by BEING THEMSELVES, which, in the end, is necessary in order to stay alive. Talk about conflicted!
    So, I spend endless hours listening to "woe-is-me" stories of having to hide in the closet, be forever furtive and live in constant fear of discovery, as if this person is some sort of horrible criminal. I cry for them all! God, life is so cruel!

    So now, hormones?

    How much is the hormones? How often? Is it a lifetime thing? Does insurance cover this?
    If she had to pay for her meds in full, its less than $100 a month. You take them every day and it is for life, yes. Most of these are covered by insurance. For example, the T blocker is commonly prescribed for cirrhosis. Premarin is given for prostate cancer. Provera is generally not covered, but is cheap, in any case.

    I'm still not hearing about the safe are they? Will everyone notice the change or will it be just me?
    With proper monitoring, hormones are safe. Your risks are higher though if you are a drinker or smoker. After a year, everyone will notice, if she's on full HRT. I was being called "ma'am" all the time, even as I was dressed as a male.

    Do I let him try them (hormones) when there are risks?
    I'm sorry, but this is NOT up to you. She is doing what needs to be done, after a lifetime of contemplation.

    Why all of a sudden has this changed from a CD to a transgender? Where is the proof coming from? Are there tests?
    You don't change from anything. Crossdressers are also transgendered. What do you mean by proof? Don't you believe her? There isn't some inkblot test for this, you know. BTW, many of us do opt to NOT have genital reconstruction.

    I kept saying, what's next????????
    Inner peace, for the first time in her adult life.

    Is it worth changing when you have so many people that love you and you will lose them because they can't handle the situation?
    That is a question of unadulterated selfishness! You love her SO much you want to lay this MASSIVE guilt trip on her? Nice!

    OK, in conclusion..
    I think you are a typical wife who doesn't want to accept the fact that her spouse is transgendered. This doesn't make you a bad person, OK? but NEITHER is SHE. My feeling is, in spite of her desire to stay with you, if she continues on the path of peace of mind, you will abandon her, as so many spouses have abandoned the majority of us. I want to give you a happy ending but I don't see it. Either she is gonna suffer forever in pure agony in order to stay married, or do what she desperately needs and lose you. It's a classic Hobson's Choice.

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  18. Jo'C. added a post in a topic I'm married to a transgendered   

    As Annie said, GID does not get easier with time. When I was I child I wasn't all that uncomfortable with my body. Though I fantasised about having girl parts I didn't suffer any distress because I did not have them. As I got older I began to feel really awful about certain parts of my body. "I wish my brow weren't so pronounced. I wish I could get rid of all of this body hair. Man, I wish I weren't so flat chested." For me anyway it isn't that I just wanted to be a girl but rather the sum of all of the things I would change about myself amounted to becoming a female. At one point I seriously HOPED I would get testicular cancer, that's how messed up I felt. GID isn't a wound that heals with time; it's something that constantly wears away at you. It's the gradual accumulation of all of the discomforts and indignities we suffer to a point where they become absolute agony. That is why your husband can't hold back any longer after doing so for so long.

    I do feel really sorry for you, just as I feel sorry for anybody who has to deal with this confusing issue. You have been very supportive of your husband over the years and that deserves credit. But it seems your husband won’t stop with feminising himself. She probably feels that she wants to go all the way, but that she might be able to make due if she only goes a little bit further. This would offer some short term satisfaction since her situation is improving, but when it stops improving without the goal being reached one can’t remain content.

    If you would like some information on hormones then go to the link below. They talk about the effects and side effects of different hormones and outline the hormone regimes. They also discuss dosages, but as a range of acceptable dosages, not what is appropriate for a given individual. They also have a disclaimer advising against self medicating.
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  19. Guest_Julie added a post in a topic Crossdressing   

    I like all colors. Sometimes I just like plain all black or all white but usually I like colorful things. Especially a mix of blues and greens. Also pink does have a nice look to it.
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  20. Annie added a post in a topic I'm married to a transgendered   

    Southern Belle,

    You want concrete? I'll give it to ya!

    We have female brains. The wash of testosterone causes not just discomfort with the body but a severe depression.

    When I began taking full HRT my suicidal depression lifted like a hump from my back. It was amazing! The effects of the proper hormones on a person's well-being are profound. My HRT doc once lamented to me that he wished ALL his patients could be as easily treated as his TS ones are by the simple administration of hormone replacement therapy.

    Yes, the initial pleasure comes from getting smoother skin, but HRT's efficacious qualities go much deeper.

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  21. Guest added a post in a topic I'm married to a transgendered   

    WOW! I guess I feel like a real jerk. I don't mean to hurt anyone or my husband. I have just had a hard time understanding this. I don't remember if I mentioned that my husband told me he liked to dress up as a female 6 months after we were married. He told me he loved me enough to tell me and his ex-wife or no others knew of this. I told him I appreciated that he loved me this much. It was hard to hear, but didn't think this was a permanent condition. I felt that maybe he had been abused as a child and also because he was adopted when he was a baby and always felt angry about this. The first time I saw him dressed up, I felt he was very femine features or actions at all. I tried to accept this when we would go for a weekend without the children and let him do this as I knew it made him feel better. It was just hard to see. I told him that he needed to soften his makeup as he was wearing dark lipstick, eye makeup, etc. He also made some fake boobs out of nylons and birdseed. I told him that they were too big and pointed and hard and I couldn't handle being cuddled to him this way and that he also needed to make them not so fake looking. I've really tried and feel that you don't understand what I have been through with him. Yes, I thought this was really weird, but I tried. Our lovemaking was wonderful, even at times when he would say ---- my ------ and make me feel that I needed to be a man while we were making love. He always pleased me and said that I always pleased him. I then started to treat his penis as though it were a vagina because I wanted him to feel good and knew that twhen we made love, this really pleased him., it was "if I can get a dildo, that's all I'd want, I will never need another thing" now, it was this in our love making as well. We were still both very satisfied. Then it's, "if I can get a wig, that's all I'll never need....(which he spent $300 on one and I had to leave while he tried them on because it made me sick)...sorry everyone, I'm his wife! Then it's, "if I can get false boobs (another $300) which we have no money for this stuff, and all this for the man that I love. I kept asking him, "what's next"? So.....after all these years, now he's telling me that he has the brain of a woman? What am I to think? I had never heard of anything like a man having the brain of a woman. I just assumed that he liked to dress up. He is on anxiety/depression pills and has been for a long time. He started being a lot better after this and was seeing a therapist. The therapist wasn't giving him the right answers that he wanted and so now he's told his sister (who had a really hard time with this but is there to listen to him) and she knew a doctor who is transitioning to female. THis doctor is teaching college and is a therapist. I hated her before I met her because I figured she was there to help my husband leave me and make the change. I did attend one session and she is very nice, and I told her my frustration and the fear of losing my husband. She said I can tell you are very sincere and love your husband very much. We do love each other alot. He is still attending counseling and I'm happy for him. I still refuse to say her, because he is still my husband. Yes, I know his other name that he has picked which he changed from the first one that he'd picked, and no, I never call him by this name. I asked him if he wanted me to and he said no. He told me that the ideal situation would be that we stay married only as he a female and I told him I was sorry, but I couldn't do that. I've seen some guys dressed up and everyone points and makes fun of them as they can tell it is a man--including my husband noticing that. I'm sorry, I can't do that. We haven't made love forever as he can't keep it up and doesn't have an orgasam which hurts me and I feel that I am failing him. We always cuddle in bed and I love that. We are always holding hands in the car, or on the couch, or walking in a store and I love this. Could I do this if he were a woman....I don't think so. I have given in to him a lot and have tried to live with this, and it stays in our bedroom or hotel room. I've told him how much nicer he looks with the softer makeup, etc., but I can't tell him he's pretty. He still looks like my husband in drag. I don't mean to hurt him, I just can't see him doing this. I realize he's sacrificed a lot and I feel that I have also throughout the years. I kept saying, what's next???????? He tells me he's fine. Yes, I have gone to bed with him wearing his wig and bra and boobs and nightgown, panties,'s very difficult. I'm not a lesbian. So after all these years, I'm now hearing. he now has the brain of a woman? Why? and why does it get worse instead of better? After 58 years living this way, why can't we just continue our marriage the way we have? So now, hormones? I'm scared to death that it will be harmful to him and I may lose him this way. How much is the hormones? How often? Is it a lifetime thing? Does insurance cover this? The pharmacist acted really concerned that they were for my husband? Wouldn't you be if you'd been giving him perscriptions for years and has known both of us for years?? Hello! I think so. Yes, he knows that I won't stay with him if he makes the, if he wants to so much, why can't he tell me and just tell me to leave? He told me he is commited to the marriage and doesn't want to leave. He also had told me that he would be perfectly fine with just boobs and keep his penis. (what's next?) I really have been through a lot. Why all of a sudden has this changed from a CD to a transgender? Where is the proof coming from? Are there tests? Yes, his therapist said that this is just another test (the hormones) and he may find out that he really isn't as bad as he thinks he is) well, what if he finds out it's exactly what he wants? It's a test? Do you need tests to know? What's next? We're going from A-Z, little baby steps at a time....right!? The end sounds like it's still going to be that he will change and we will end up divorced. If this is the case, why not now? Why am I going through all of this? Why is he going through all of this? Yes, we love each other. I love him because he's my husband and he's been a good husband. He's just as frustrated as I am. I'm trying to understand, but this is a new area for me as I'd never been exposed to any of this before and I love the man I married. You say you're still the same person, but I'm not sure I really believe this either. He talks very harsh and mean to me at times and I'm thinking as a woman, he wouldn't do this. I think he would be soft spoken and not so honery. Do I want him to be happy? Yes....does it mean that it will be without me? I suppose it does. I feel that I am young and I may be alone the rest of my life but I don't think I would be married again. This is my second and I'm not wanting to be hurt again by another man. Will I still have my children and loved ones by my side? Yes! My husband has no friends....he has two sisters that know and would be there for him and his sister said she hopes that his parents have died before they find out. The hardest thing about the hormones was that he told his sister about the pharmacist and she spoke with me on the phone and told me that she thinks he will be going through with this and how sorry she is for me and how much she loves me too and that she doesn't understand either and didn't know what she would do if it were me. I told her I wouldn't stay with him. She definately understands. I feel bad though, because my hubby would have no one but his sister. He only works with a couple of burly guys and they'd probably die if they knew. I hope this clears a little bit up about me, I'm not trying to be a jerk, I do want to understand and wish there were some proof somehow of what is really happening. I felt that the more he studied this stuff, the more convinced he was that he does have the brain of a woman. I thought maybe he'd just been reading too much and this is how he wants to be. Who am I? I'm wanting to understand, please don't hate me for my comments. I just want you to know, it's been good and bad and sometimes terriable. I keep thinking that he always wants one more thing and he'll be ok, well, again----until when? I keep letting him and accepting it, but I can't go on as a husband and wife if this happens. I'm still not hearing about the safe are they? Will everyone notice the change or will it be just me? Do I let him try them when there are risks? Help! Please know that I really am a good caring person and I'm glad I don't have to feel the pain that you are all in. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that my husband hurts so much. Is it worth changing when you have so many people that love you and you will lose them because they can't handle the situation? Why can't we just live the rest of our lives happy together with no more changes? Did I hurt when his sister told me this? Yes, this is when I cried. She told me that my hubby said this is what he wants and will be doing it. I asked my husband and he told me that's not true. He hadn't told her this and I the pharacist called me the next day and I gave him my husband cell number. My husband told me that he didn't need to pick up the perscription. I told him it must be very hard, because it's like a piece of candy that's sitting in front of you and you can't eat it. He told me that he would discuss it with me if he decided to do this. I told him it would be much easier on both of us if he would just admit it and walk away from me. I'm not sure what's going to happen to us. We were away last night in a hotel (our french student from 9 years ago is staying with us this week with her boyfriend and we took them with us..but of course, stayed in separate rooms. We had a wonderful time together and I told him how much I loved and appreciated all that he does for me and I know how much he loves me and the sacrifices he's made and that I'm sorry about his pain, he also told me how much he loves me. We tell each other every time we talk on the phone or leave the house without each other. Do I want to lose this? No, I'm very lucky to have such a good man. Our youngest son (after finding out) said. "if there's one thing I've learned from Dad is that he always loves being with you and you with him and that's how I want my marriage to friends, just wife and kids to spend my time with" (He's married and has 4 children.) That means a lot to us. I'm still confused and just know that I love my husband very much. I'm sorry if I'm all over the place with my thoughts as I'm writting this novel. Thanks for listening and hope you won't be so hard on me. I'm still trying! Just trying to learn and appreciate your feedback, however hurtful it may be. I guess I deserve it. Help with more response if you feel you can. Lots of emotion and sadness of the thoughts of losing the man I love. Thanks for listening. I appreciate that I can do this. It helps me a lot. I have a ton of friends, just not wanting to tell them, they wouldn't understand either. It would be hard to be around them if they knew for my husband and me and them. Still trying to make this work!!!! I love him!!!
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  22. Jo'C. added a post in a topic Countries Listed on Server Stats   

    Hey, I'm from Alberta too!
    I'm an Edmontonian though so sadly we must fight to the death.
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  23. Mahar added a post in a topic Countries Listed on Server Stats   

    Hi another canadian here from Alberta :)
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  24. Annie added a post in a topic I'd rather wear a dress   

    Healthy abnormality?

    Now there's an interesting oxymoron.

    The pinned article on the TG board about GID pretty much reflects my views on it.

    It's too bad that people get so hung up on words. I try not to. These days, the only word that really bothers me is when I get called "Sir" on the telephone. Wow, does that one burn my souffle! grrrr!

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  25. Southern Belle added a post in a topic I'm married to a transgendered   

    Sad -

    You are fully justified in your anger, mistrust, and frustration at your new predicament. You have spent your life living, unknowingly, in a lie of a life that you enjoyed. Now, someone is wiping away that veil and disclosing a true secret. DAMN IT for your life changing without your permission!!!

    However, have you given any thought to what a privilege it is to be in your position? To have someone who loves you so much that she wants to share her true self with you and is willing to try to do that? She has shared a secret with you that she has kept hidden all her life and, yet, she shares it with you in hopes that you love her enough to be open to her true self, accepting, and loving. Have you asked her name?

    You say that everyone feels hurt because of this. It's hurt you. It's hurt your boys. Honestly, I would feel hurt that it had taken so long for her to tell me. I would feel bad that she didn't feel secure and loved enough during all those years to be comfortable being herself. I try to love unconditionally and if that isn't happening, then I am not being the person I want to be.

    I can empathize with you about feeling alone and having no one with whom to discuss this except for a bunch of well-meaning strangers on a cold message board. You don't want to "out" her to anyone without her permission. On the other hand, you really would like a confidant. Could you determine together someone in whom your husband might be comfortable with you confiding? Your best friend, perhaps? I have always found the objective voice of a counselor to be helpful also. You're not alone, BTW, but you are one of the lucky ones who has found this network to be able to discuss your fears, anxieties, and frustrations.

    I have a problem understanding hormones too. I have asked my girlfriend and she says that she likes her soft skin and that it makes her feel better. Anytime I've asked anyone, it's that ineffable "it makes me feel better," but nothing more concrete. I can only think of comparing it to PMS or some other situation where your hormones are all messed up and how lousy you feel compared to when they are all in place. I guess it's kind of like that.

    This doesn't have to be an immediate decision. Can you find it within yourself you try this out for a year? You are both learning how to deal with a new situation. Try to let her be herself and see what she's like and what life with her is like. After that, then make a decision if you both still want to be together.

    Perhaps you and she need to agree on a graduated timeline for full-disclosure. I have always thought that genetic women who are men on the inside have an easier time of it. Nobody thinks twice when a woman wears jeans and a T-shirt or more "manly" clothes. When a man expresses himself with such a minor thing as a pink shirt - everyone notices - and usually comments! I know that you think it's weird now, but I have come to like the softness of shaved legs... you might too!

    If you truly love eachother, what is one year going to hurt? It's been 28 already.
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