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  1. Emma


    Hi Jess,

    Congratulations. I've been on HRT for 7 months so I can well remember how I felt at one month. Yes, the lack of arousal is interesting. I think you'll find that it's not really a big deal. But please know this: the tissue at the head of your penis will be used to form your clitoris during GCS, and will remain connected to all of the nerve pathways and so forth.

    I don't recall having much/any breast growth at one month. At some point soon you will likely start feeling a soreness and sensitivity. It hurts if you bump them in the shower! I still have to remind myself to take it slow and easy when I'm washing my chest. 

    I wish you well on your journey. To me a part of the good experience was awareness of how "right" I felt on HRT, and knowing that if I wasn't trans I'd certainly not feel good at all.

    Emma

     

  2. KarenPayne


    Hi Christy,

    I don’t know what your day to day life is like but a huge confidence builder is getting out and engaging with people whether it’s with cisgender or not yet cisgender is a better bet as it forces those like us to keep the package (how we interact with people both mentally and physically) together. Not keeping check on doubt and fear can lead to more and more doubt and fear.

    Some think that “getting out” means going to work and home again were this can lead to false comfort then one (and if) you think or know someone “clocked” you it’s harder to take. This is why it’s important to engage with strangers. I do this all the time e.g. during a shopping trip I see another woman with something that may look good on her will say “I think that will look good on you” and many times a conversation arises.

    It takes work to present ourselves in the beginning and for some that question comes to the forefront, was this the right choice? I thought it was 100 percent. Well if one has gone through the process of living life in the opposite gender and engaged with people that is pretty good confirmation if doubt was never there.

    Remember when I suggested to write a diary? If you did this perhaps it’s time to go back and read your thoughts prior to surgery? More likely than not they will confirm your decision and reaffirm it was the right decision to move forward.

    Remember, taking this journey is similar to becoming an astronaut, lots of hard work were many don’t have what it takes to reach becoming one. Tell yourself you are strong and persist.

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    3 people like this
  3. Chrissy


    Christy,

    It seems like you have a sense of some things that might be generating these feelings, which is awesome (not the feelings, but the awareness). I think it's also important to keep in mind that this isn't always a linear process - you'll try some things, have some doubts, maybe overcome the doubts and move forward or maybe start moving in a different direction. It's confusing, and can be scary, but in the end it's worth it to see where it goes.

    I also noticed that you said expectations might have been high in Orlando - is it also possible that being somewhere different had an impact?  I'm not sure if you go there often or if it was a first time, but being in less familiar surroundings can also play into insecurities.

    I hope you're feeling better now!

    xoxo

    Chrissy

    4 people like this
  4. MonicaPz


    Dear Christy,

    Hope you are attending a support group near you and attending gender conferences.  These are invaluable sources of support.

    Everyone needs to get away from the "haters" every now and then to hear themselves think.  

    You are not alone, both as a transwoman and a human being.  Everyone has issues and self-doubt and need support on occasion.

    Your friend,

    Monica

    4 people like this
  5. Christy


    Thanks Emma! It always good to read some great feedback. I do watch Dara’s videos and plan on getting the book. They have helped me a great deal. I’m not sure if I would be where I’m at without it. I did some work and went to yoga, had lunch and guess what.... I feel pretty dam good. lol. I’m not sure where or how far this journey will go but I’m going to enjoy it. I also think that I was living in a bubble so to speak and the trip to Orlando kind of popped it for me. I have created a safe zone if you will and know what to expect pretty much. I have been expanding my world little by little but up there I had zero support. This shows me what I need to work on. Thanks again. 

    Ps. I am still having trouble with non binary pronouns. My brain keeps fighting back or something. Weird. 

    Christy😍

    5 people like this
  6. Emma


    Hoping no one minds but I'm going to put in another plug for my friend Dara Hoffman-Fox's book "You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery." They (Dara is non-binary) has a lot of info about doubts that helped me a lot. 

    Part of what was scary for me is not knowing "how far I'd need to go" and very afraid of taking even the smallest steps. I simply couldn't imagine going, for example, to get my name changed, or my gender marker changed. I don't know exactly what I feared but it was palpable. Well, last week I stood in front of a WA court judge, held up my right hand, and changed my name legally. No sweat, he was very nice. This afternoon I'm headed to the DMV to update my name, photo, and gender on my driver's license. I'm totally relaxed about it. Oh, also sending in a new passport application. Gotta have my bases covered!

    5 people like this
  7. Emma


    I really understand self doubt, and particularly recall the fears of being alone, not passing, not being attractive, all that. I can’t say of course that “it’ll all be fine, don’t worry” but what I can advise is to think about your core needs and feelings, what drove you to this before. I did that and even to this day I recall them.

    Still, you are on a scary path. You stand to lose a lot. You are on a Hero’s Journey, a reluctant person challenging the unknown and untraveled, on a discovery mission. It’s fraught with obstacles and monsters but also beauty and rewards. Only you can decide if it’s a journey you need to take. 

    I had dinner last night with four other trans women and one trans man. They (and I) have their own trials and tribulations of course, and have been through a lot. Some are more attractive than others. But all are happier in their lives being their authentic selves. 

    I’d also like to emphasize that I don’t only hang out with trans people. I am building friendships with several others, women mostly. We go out for dinner, invite each other for pot lucks, go shopping, wine tasting, bicycle riding, all that. Sure, they know I’m trans but they respect me and care for me as a woman friend. 

    4 people like this
  8. UsernameOptional


    Hiya Squirrely ....

    Thought I saw you in chat a few days ago... so I guess you finally made it.  I don't look in on the blogs too often, otherwise I'd have seen your blog for help with chat.

    See ya on the flip side...

    Michael

    1 person likes this
  9. MonicaPz


    Dear Christy and Emma,

    Came out originally all at once as a cisgender Lesbian and I lived to regret it because it overwhelmed everybody.

    If I had to do it over again, I would have come out in stages, first to my closest and most trustworthy (understanding) friends who have earlier shown compassion and support towards others who came out, and then working outward. 

    Hope this helps.

    Your friend,

    Monica

    1 person likes this
  10. Christy


    Thanks Emma!  

    I will gather as much information and contacts for others and they can decide what to do with it. I was used to people looking at me once and awhile but I never had guys looking at me. (This is not a sexual look I’m getting) There would be the occasional gay man which I took as a compliment and would even flirt back sometimes. I’m not attracted to men but it was fun for all now and then. That was mostly when I was younger. Now, you would think my picture was posted as “most wanted! “ but I think that is really in my head. It’s like people are asking themselves “is that the guy in the paper” haha. I choose to have fun with it. As for the technique she taught me, I was getting strong anxiety when I started thinking about coming out or when we were role playing. We were Working on the conversation for my wife. She told me when I was feeling this panic setting in to hold on to that feeling and use eye movements from side to side. This is how to do it. Keeping the head level and still, looking straight forward. Move your eyes back & forth left to right & right to left. Do this at a steady pace but not fast. Look as far as you can in both directions comfortably. As if there is a yellow ball in front of you. Just moving the eyes everything else stays still. This movement breaks up the thought patterns we have established about the subject we are feeling anxious over. In this case telling my wife and kids. Over the years I have run through this scenario many times (telling her) and this repeating gets more intense every time when the actual event does not happen. (It is a progressive build up) So this process starts to break all that up and will trigger other memories. At first I thought this was silly but agreed to try. Nothing seemed to happen but I kept trying when I could. Well it started working and I wasn’t afraid anymore. This all happened slowly and I didn’t even realize it until one day I said holly crap. Amazing. It doesn’t go completely away because we need to feel but my anxiety about this is so low that I am able to process and manage myself & my thoughts. This will allow me to articulate what this all means more effectively. I have used this technique on other things and it does work. At least I feel it does and that is what counts. I will try and find a link to some info on it and ask my therapist for one as well. Well I’m caught in between and happy. I hope this makes sense and helps.

    Live love learn

    Christy😍

    2 people like this
  11. Emma


    Good on you Christy. I know well what you’re feeling. It’s quite a roller coaster but it’s well worth it to be your authentic self. Good thinking to set up your support network. It’s so important. I hope we can help in some ways. I also think it’s considerate of you to set up one for others but suggest that you don’t overthink it. In my experience most don’t need it or use anything I provided. 

    What was the technique that your therapist taught you? We might all gain from that. I am also clocked all the time. It took awhile for these days I don’t care too much. I’m always dressed appropriately, walk with my head high, and with a more feminine demeanor. Many women smile in support as they recognize and appreciate how much it takes to boldly be oneself. And most men simply don’t care!

     

    1 person likes this
  12. MonicaPz


    Dear MichelleLea,

    Am very sorry to hear about your accident, but happy to hear it's covered.

    Am a big fan of Malala, and I hope the transgender anchor on the Pakistani news has a great career.

    My thoughts are with you.

    Yours truly,

    Monica

     

  13. Emma


    Bravo Chrissy on ditching the wig! I did that too early on. Too hot, uncomfortable, expensive, hassle... I do longingly observe cis women’s smaller foreheads, fuller temple hair. But I have what I have and consider myself fortunate for that.

    I also agree that being trans and all isn’t everything. These days I just enjoy being out, nicely dressed (appropriately). Today I wore a nice day dress and purple tights as I wanted to look nice as I went to court for a judge to legally change my name, which he did. Then, I did errands, got new passport photos taken at Costco, and attended a variety show this evening. I was a tad overdressed for that but it’s better to be over than under dressed!

    I look forward to picnics, camping, hiking, this summer. Just out and about.

    2 people like this
  14. Chrissy


    That is indeed what it's all about :-)

    When you mentioned not wearing foundation every day anymore I thought about my decision last July to stop wearing wigs - it was such a liberating experience. I don't regret having worn them, I think it's what I needed to get where I was going.

    But more broadly I like the idea of not everything being about gender - lately more of my activities at school have centered around criminal justice reform, which is a more important issue to me (not that gender isn't important of course), and I like that fact that I get to do those things and feel comfortable doing them as myself - things that I wouldn't have even considered doing back pre-transition

    2 people like this
  15. MonicaPz


    Dear Christy,

    Please be careful to wear a bra that preserves your modesty, as when a woman's nipples pop out, it can be seen as a sign of sexual arousal. The other thing that causes a woman's nipples to pop out is exposure to cold or getting a chill.

    One time I was professionally photographed wearing a knit fabric bra under a knit fabric dress, not knowing my nipples were popped out, and had to throw the photographs away! 😱

    Yours truly,

    Monica

  16. MonicaPz


    Dear TMSQUIRREL and Emma,

    She may be referring to a link on the site where another transgender website folded.

    Am using a Kindle Fire, and I get the "EX6" error message when I try to get to chat.

    Found other bugs, too, but I am going to see if I have better luck at the library computer, which runs on Windows 7 XP.

    Still, there is a lot of support to be had, especially in the Forums and Blogs.

    Please remember that this a recently renovated website, and be patient.

    Your friend,

    Monica

  17. Emma


    I’m not aware that a transgender chat site was moved here but I don’t frequent them so what do I know. I checked ours just now and find the error that you reported and will inform the management forthwith. 

    Apologies for such high-faluting language but I just finished watching “Lincoln.” I recommend it!

    2 people like this
  18. Christy


    Thank you Chantel!

    Yes I can feel it coming on strong but I’m not that scared just nervous a bit. I will take my time and talk with my therapist about the plan we have but who knows what will happen. I am looking forward to being free!!!! I have also being letting go of the old me as well. I’ve just have some trouble with that. I have been finding out what is the real me and something’s i like. I’m still going to be me just the girl version. I even ran into an old golfing buddy while I was shopping and had an armful of androgynous clothes. I just spoke with him like any other day and I was just a tiny tiny bit nervous. That nervousness passed in a min and all went well. He even came back later and wanted to introduce his girlfriend.  She was happy to finally meet me. I wasn’t going to hide anything. He said I looked great because of all the weight. 

    Turned out to be another great day. Oh, I love my new clothes 😍

    ❤️Christy

    1 person likes this
  19. Chantel


    Hi Chrisrty,  It sounds like you are very close to coming out of the cupboard.  Its a leap of faith which fortunately is normally no where near as bad as we expect. Indeed most people are very supportive. The bottom line is to become you, you will have to le go of the past and start a new life. Its sort of sad saying goodbye to who we were but we cannot move forward without doing that. I hope that you find what you are looking for. Love Chantel. x

     

    1 person likes this