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Stuck in a whirlpool of the past haunting me

Posted by Brittany , 19 April 2012 · 176 views

Okay I know its been awhile since I posted here. Many as I have had many other tasks on hand and many more issues running my life in very downward ways. I now am writing this blog as maybe a last line of hope.

Things started going down hill when I lost my job this past August. As I noted before I had decided since I was already beyond a year in HRT to just go ahead and start applying for work as the new me and no longer the past me. But my Unemployment made things quite tight, my HRT had to be cut in half to last longer yet keep the effects I had gained, My diet has been the worse since any point of my life. focused mainly on what I can get that will give me energy to keep searching for work. And all this seemed to be doable till Feb. came around.

That's when my luck turned from, bad to worse. While I could almost weekly get a interview, far too often I found myself being turned down. Asking if my transitioning had anything to do about it. I have been assured that it isn't the case. But having one too many doors of opportunity closed on my face is bringing the dark hopelessness I use to have in my life come flowing back. My unemployment is now gone and my loving roommate has been far more then considerate letting me stay without paying rent for now. But my meds are running low and soon will be gone, my depression is getting stronger each day, I barely can scrap out enough cash to feed myself two meals a day and I have made a tough but fair agreement to ether have some rent by the end of May or I move out. To where I don't know, cause its not where that worries me its who will be there more. I can't stand the feeling that my only true happiness of being me is denying me any kind of work. And worse I find it really hard to explain how its not something I can just turn on and off to my family that claims my being myself is what is harming my chances at getting jobs.

When I stood at the darkest point in my life almost 5 years ago I was a person who never take chances. I would spend my days locked in a apartment for days shut from the world, I would not search for a better life cause I never thought I would have one. It wasn't till I came out about the real me and felt the acceptance that I found the courage and drive to work hard on my work life, Family life, my personal skills, personal health and finally myself in general. That all came at the point of turning away from a suicide attempt I made, when I finally decided to listen to myself. But now I fear just as I found myself and really started to become myself I am having my life ripped from me and being forced into a prison of denial far darker then the one I escaped years ago. I'm losing hope for any future, not just the one I have for so long dreamed.

Right now, I spend my long days, job hunting and trying to occupy my mind and time with tasks for my website. I spend my nights dreaming of a life of just normality where I am treated as a equal among others. But each day I wake from that dream, I look in the mirror and I see all that I hated returning, with the aid of self doubt and judgement of others weighing me down. As I write this I am starting my final plans of the last few weeks I have with a roof over my head. With the coming of Summer I will soon find my life to be one of living on the streets and seeking what food I can. While I will go on living I question who is it I will be living as. Will I be the ray of happiness and peace in my life that I have been in the past few years as, that I so want to be, Brittany. Or will I be domed to return to the depressive suicidal, self hating Brian, the one many keep telling I should be. Time is my enemy in too many ways, I have too little time it seems to change my life for the better, but too much time to bring my self have time to just process this all in my head and see the dark return to my old self washing over me.

I feel lost.
I know who I am.
I know how I feel.
I know what I want.
I am willing to fight for it.
But still I am denied it all.
As I said I'm losing hope, and it scares me to think where I will be without it soon.

For now and Hopefully always
~ Brittany Dodson





UsernameOptional
Apr 21 2012 09:14 AM
Hi Brittany -
When I saw a few days ago that you had created a blog entry, I just thought that it was "nice to see you."  I knew you hadn't been here on the forums in quite a while.  But then I read your blog today.

I wish I had advice for you.  I can certainly see the frustration and desperation in your blog.  I hope someone can offer their experiences.  I know it won't help you get a job...or keep your HRT from running out...but maybe you can start coming here again every so often.  Coming here helps me.  Maybe it can help you a little.

-Michael
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Things are going slightly better as my dad is helping me out in exchange for following a strict schedule of meeting their standards of womanhood for them. More working out, eating smaller yet healthier amounts and allot of mental changes like how I eat food and act, given areas I felt strong before but its hard to see your actually behaviors. On top of working with others on getting some advice and help medically. Just keeping at trying to find a job though.
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UsernameOptional
Apr 24 2012 01:48 PM
"...my dad is helping me out in exchange for following a strict schedule of meeting their standards of womanhood for them."  
This has surely got to be better than having to live according to your birth sex.  I wasn't expecting to see such an "ultimatum," and I dare say some might even be envious if they are currently dealing with a parent or parents who will not accept the true identity of thier child.

Good luck on the job search...it's rough for many out-of-work people looking for jobs, though that knowledge is little consolation.  Hopefully your dad's regime will help eliminate some of your stress so you concentrate on looking good for employers.

-Michael
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Thanks it took me buy surprise as well I knew they had issue but its good to see they want me to excel at what I want for myself. Its not going to be easy. mainly as I let myself go over the winter and now work outs are a bit straining on the body. And I do benefit with being able to land interviews just not lock in the job.
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