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A Surprising Lack of Fervour
Posted by
lilybf
,
29 April 2012
·
127 views
I don't believe I've said it before, but it should be noted that these blog posts are (and are going to be) mostly stream-of-thought pieces with minimal editing.
Studies have found, I am told, that emotion cannot be maintained for significant periods of time. Whether a person's life and environment are good and bad, key moments not withstanding, most people will keep a dull and steady equilibrium of neutrality.
Perhaps that theory can explain why I do not on a daily basis tear my hair out, shriek myself hoarse or attempt to throw myself from some precipice or other. I rarely shake myself to pieces with self-loathing and fear I will never begin to approach my ideal - feminine - self image. Weeks can go by in emotional mediocrity, where I might almost be resigned to remaining... as I am.
I wonder, am I unusual in this as a transitioning would-be-woman. Does it show a death of hope? Or, more terrifyingly still, that I was mistaken all along?
Am I, in fact, cismale?
No, that can't be right, I am sure of that much at least. I react to that thought as I might to the existential horror of realising I am some inhuman, Lovecraftian being.
But still... the concern remains - why do I not feel as keenly as I might?
Studies have found, I am told, that emotion cannot be maintained for significant periods of time. Whether a person's life and environment are good and bad, key moments not withstanding, most people will keep a dull and steady equilibrium of neutrality.
Perhaps that theory can explain why I do not on a daily basis tear my hair out, shriek myself hoarse or attempt to throw myself from some precipice or other. I rarely shake myself to pieces with self-loathing and fear I will never begin to approach my ideal - feminine - self image. Weeks can go by in emotional mediocrity, where I might almost be resigned to remaining... as I am.
I wonder, am I unusual in this as a transitioning would-be-woman. Does it show a death of hope? Or, more terrifyingly still, that I was mistaken all along?
Am I, in fact, cismale?
No, that can't be right, I am sure of that much at least. I react to that thought as I might to the existential horror of realising I am some inhuman, Lovecraftian being.
But still... the concern remains - why do I not feel as keenly as I might?
