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EmmaSweet : (01 November 2014 - 01:57 AM) Marttna, why don't you start a thread on this?
Marsar16 : (31 October 2014 - 08:16 PM) Want to shed my twitter name and install my new name. Love some ideas hope to give notice and do the change.Marrttna
Marsar16 : (31 October 2014 - 08:11 PM) how is everyone
MonicaPz : (31 October 2014 - 05:22 PM) Happy birthday, Ally!
MonicaPz : (31 October 2014 - 05:22 PM) Happy Birthday, GreenShade.  Hope to hear from you soon, birthday girl!
Marsar16 : (31 October 2014 - 03:28 AM) Hi to All.
UsernameOpti... : (30 October 2014 - 09:14 PM) Happy Birthday to Ally
UsernameOpti... : (30 October 2014 - 09:13 PM) Happy Birthday to GreenShade
paula1972 : (30 October 2014 - 07:43 PM) Hi
nikkiyum : (30 October 2014 - 07:12 PM) hi
Gennee : (29 October 2014 - 11:26 AM) Happy Birthday, JessicaGLove!   :D
DianaLeather : (28 October 2014 - 07:15 AM) yikes, Howdy !
DianaLeather : (28 October 2014 - 07:15 AM) Howdt
WarrenG : (27 October 2014 - 07:54 PM) Loved this! Hater and homophobic got shoved down where he belongs for causing trouble and being a close minded baboon at a national airport. The man was accused of being a "***" by the homophobic buffoon just because he had a pink shirt on. Ridiculous! Glad to see those around them jump to his defense and protect the man in the (rather adorable) pink shirt ^_^ Made me smile
http://news.yahoo.co...-183349148.html
WarrenG : (26 October 2014 - 01:20 PM) I thought this was pretty neat, and wanted to share it with you guys. Werent sure how otherwise o.o lol http://news.yahoo.co...-231106807.html
WarrenG : (25 October 2014 - 05:50 PM) Thanks :P
Lori : (25 October 2014 - 05:38 PM) Nice pics Warren :)
WarrenG : (25 October 2014 - 02:47 PM) Pics added ^_^ I'm gonna try and add random shots of the fall foliage in my area lol
MonicaPz : (25 October 2014 - 10:15 AM) Warren, to add pictures, go to Gallery, then click on browse, to choose your favorite pictures, then click on upload.  You have to choose and upload one picture at a time.  Please let us know how it goes.  Looking forward to looking at your pictures!
WarrenG : (24 October 2014 - 07:43 PM) Nevermind, I got it XD





Photo - - - - -

This Isn't a Phallacy

Posted by Anndy , 23 July 2012 · 412 views

{A Word to the Wise: the last time I wrote a blog was for a class about the Social Net in which we read Gregory Ulmer and were introduced to his "puncept;" therefore, I apologize in advance for my frequent use of puncepts in my writing. And while we're on that topic, I apologize for my terrible writing, period.}


I suppose this is my introduction, and despite my ability to write a mean essay (present thesis excluded), I'm really rather horrible at writing about myself. Anyway, I imagine that my story isn't unlike most of your stories... although I tend to imagine that most of you are much further along your trans* journey (my therapist calls this projection, I believe). The first time I remember thinking I was boy rather than a girl was in kindergarten when all the boys got to be loud and fun and the girls were expected to jumprope or whatever it was that girls were supposed to do. I never did it.


But this story really starts a number of years later, when I was 14 (15? the years are blurred thanks to PTSD, but that's another subject all together). I spent a lot of my younger years on dial-up AOL pretending to be a guy: first a straight guy, then a gay guy. For a while there I was extremely obsessed with gay guys, and my "bff" at the time, Ro, was a gay guy (unfortunately he was/is in deep denial about this). He was the first person I came out to. "I want to be a gay guy." (I probably confessed this to him during one of our makeout sessions on my grandfather's golf cart--I was a wild child *insert sarcasm here*.) Being the kind of friend he was (and the kind of mom I had, who thought all my friends were hers as well), he told her my secret. I grew up in an ultraconservative part of South Carolina and my mother, of course, was slightly disturbed at this new information. Give her some credit, it was 2001, and even though I have these fantasies about going back and coming out at a younger age, the truth is, it was a totally different time then. So, she swept me off to a therapist.


Depression.


Social Anxiety.


And the biggie...


Borderline Personality Disorder.


My life from then on was defined by this diagnosis. I got away with dressing like a guy for a long time because I was goth in high school, which, oddly enough, my mom loved. Things changed when she died in 2006. My mother never knew me as the daughter she always wanted (in fact, she lost 2 daughters: a miscarriage before I was born, and me... the odd, in-between daughter). To cope with her death, I became the person I thought she wanted me to be. Ultra girly. Happy to go shopping, polish my nails, play with babies, or whatever it was that I thought defined the feminine.


I still played boy online. It was my only escape.


It used to be that you only ever heard of MTF trans*people. In the months after my mother died (I remember this clearly because I was living with my dad) I ordered a copy of "The Big Gay Book of Erotica" or something. The last story was about a transman. What? (I'm imagining Jack Skellington singing "What is This?!") So there it was. I was a FTM. It took me 5 years to accept that. And here I am.


And I will leave you with some lyrics from Jack's Lament. Because I can.


Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones
An emptiness began to grow
There's something out there, far from my home
A longing that I've never known.


And finally... I'm Anndy.






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