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PamalaFlinn : (30 January 2015 - 11:55 PM) For so many years I was told that gay people were such a horrible thing , no place for them,  they should just  go away. Now...................... I am so glad I never listened!!!  I will hang in a gay club over a straight club any day.
KarenPayne : (30 January 2015 - 07:40 PM) For the record I tried for a long time to post post op pictures here but all failed so I am nit trying any more, I will have picts on my blog
CharityLynnC... : (30 January 2015 - 04:08 PM) https://www.youtube....h?v=hcHAoo-xn9g my 4th month update of me on hormones
veronicabeta : (29 January 2015 - 10:56 PM) Happy Birthday aom0129 ! Many Happy Returns ! :)
MonicaPz : (29 January 2015 - 09:26 PM) Fag Bug:  The Sequel is a HOOT!  Also love the trailer for TED.  Way to go, Charity!
CharityLynnC... : (29 January 2015 - 10:22 AM) https://www.youtube....h?v=S3AVcCggRnU who else wants to see this movie...cause i sure do!!
CharityLynnC... : (29 January 2015 - 01:01 AM) http://www.snagfilms...e/fagbug_nation sequel to fagbug movie
veronicabeta : (29 January 2015 - 12:07 AM) Rock On PamalaFlinn
PamalaFlinn : (28 January 2015 - 09:05 PM) Just so nice to be girly.
MelodySchwartz : (28 January 2015 - 06:54 PM) wishing well and happy thoughts for you KarenPayne
sigurdoug : (28 January 2015 - 06:31 PM) I am new to this and my question is do you think I am too old for your site?
sigurdoug : (28 January 2015 - 06:28 PM) I would like a general opinion from anyone that would like to leave an opinion
CharityLynnC... : (28 January 2015 - 01:41 AM) ok people...someone let the yeti loose again and now he's roaming boston... https://gma.yahoo.co...topstories.html
veronicabeta : (27 January 2015 - 10:11 PM) Happy BD NewRaechell  !:) Many happy returns.
UsernameOpti... : (27 January 2015 - 09:22 PM) Karen has made her first post after surgery...  check her blog here at TGG.
LovelyLisa : (27 January 2015 - 06:01 PM) Karen, I hope that you have a speedy recovery. But give yourself the time that you need to recover.
jls : (27 January 2015 - 11:07 AM) I hope Karen is well!!
UsernameOpti... : (27 January 2015 - 10:50 AM) Happy Birthday to NewRaechell
MonicaPz : (26 January 2015 - 09:38 PM) Karen is a lady just as much as before as will be after the surgery . . . inside and out.
EmmaSweet : (26 January 2015 - 09:22 PM) I third the well wishes to Karen!





Photo - - - - -

This Isn't a Phallacy

Posted by Anndy , 23 July 2012 · 429 views

{A Word to the Wise: the last time I wrote a blog was for a class about the Social Net in which we read Gregory Ulmer and were introduced to his "puncept;" therefore, I apologize in advance for my frequent use of puncepts in my writing. And while we're on that topic, I apologize for my terrible writing, period.}


I suppose this is my introduction, and despite my ability to write a mean essay (present thesis excluded), I'm really rather horrible at writing about myself. Anyway, I imagine that my story isn't unlike most of your stories... although I tend to imagine that most of you are much further along your trans* journey (my therapist calls this projection, I believe). The first time I remember thinking I was boy rather than a girl was in kindergarten when all the boys got to be loud and fun and the girls were expected to jumprope or whatever it was that girls were supposed to do. I never did it.


But this story really starts a number of years later, when I was 14 (15? the years are blurred thanks to PTSD, but that's another subject all together). I spent a lot of my younger years on dial-up AOL pretending to be a guy: first a straight guy, then a gay guy. For a while there I was extremely obsessed with gay guys, and my "bff" at the time, Ro, was a gay guy (unfortunately he was/is in deep denial about this). He was the first person I came out to. "I want to be a gay guy." (I probably confessed this to him during one of our makeout sessions on my grandfather's golf cart--I was a wild child *insert sarcasm here*.) Being the kind of friend he was (and the kind of mom I had, who thought all my friends were hers as well), he told her my secret. I grew up in an ultraconservative part of South Carolina and my mother, of course, was slightly disturbed at this new information. Give her some credit, it was 2001, and even though I have these fantasies about going back and coming out at a younger age, the truth is, it was a totally different time then. So, she swept me off to a therapist.


Depression.


Social Anxiety.


And the biggie...


Borderline Personality Disorder.


My life from then on was defined by this diagnosis. I got away with dressing like a guy for a long time because I was goth in high school, which, oddly enough, my mom loved. Things changed when she died in 2006. My mother never knew me as the daughter she always wanted (in fact, she lost 2 daughters: a miscarriage before I was born, and me... the odd, in-between daughter). To cope with her death, I became the person I thought she wanted me to be. Ultra girly. Happy to go shopping, polish my nails, play with babies, or whatever it was that I thought defined the feminine.


I still played boy online. It was my only escape.


It used to be that you only ever heard of MTF trans*people. In the months after my mother died (I remember this clearly because I was living with my dad) I ordered a copy of "The Big Gay Book of Erotica" or something. The last story was about a transman. What? (I'm imagining Jack Skellington singing "What is This?!") So there it was. I was a FTM. It took me 5 years to accept that. And here I am.


And I will leave you with some lyrics from Jack's Lament. Because I can.


Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones
An emptiness began to grow
There's something out there, far from my home
A longing that I've never known.


And finally... I'm Anndy.






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