Our community blogs
It's been a few days since I've added anything, so I thought it is time. I have been keeping pretty busy with work and have opened two new accounts this year so far. I have three more ready to go before the end of the month which puts me on track to meet my next milestone. This is a good one since it comes with an $i800 bonus, and I can certainly use the cash. I may have mentioned that my District Coordinator wants me to be the #1 account opener in our market this year--I think I can make it.
Yesterday I had implant surgery. I had an appointment for a consult along with my routine cleaning , and as it turned out the dentist had a cancellation, so I thought I might as well go for it. It will help save three of my back teeth and restore my chewing on that side, so I think it will be worth it. I am lucky to have plenty of bone in my jaw so that no bone grafts were necessary. It was somewhat painful even with the novacaine, but I had little pain afterwards, so I'm happy about that. My next big expense will be my two poodles and their visit to the vet. As you can see, I need to keep working! No more feminine shopping for the time being--Michelle will have to wait. She is not hurting anyway--LOL. Later.
So this some past thinkings I have. For those who dont know i have been subject to harassment and cyberstalking for many year which keep most online activity to minimum. This also have place lot of stress on me to get on hormone or do anthing for myself. I know ppl are curios but thats not a right to invade and cause me real life terror for simply be who i am. this has been something going on for about 10 year now maybe longer. its cause me to retreat many times because i dont unerstand why its happening or whos doing it. Sometimes i think its close friend or relative because of things being said and sometimes i think its someone online. I try to alway be peaceful person but sometime i feel like im being push to this isolation and that not fair to me. my social interaction very small and i general keep to myself because i dont want it to happen again or for whoever it is to try and find me and this all start back up again.
my conficence and self esteem suffer as result because i feel alone in this. also i never try to make myself this way. its how i am and has make it hard to dress as woman because i dont feel safe as one. i feel like im deal with some psycho who never going to give up and let me live my life. i still dress like man most time when i go out and it seem this make ppl angry but i do go to a party and there was some men there and they seem to get that i am female intersex. this just seem be this acceptance then, of course for that party i do my makeup and that seem to help people be more accepting.
but what am i suppose to do just throw on a dress and go out. this anxiety make it very hard and make my shy and not secure how people seeing me. the big problem i alway face is my height. im over 6 foot but my spirit much shorter! i wish ppl would just relax sometime because it make me stress when theyre stress. like what im going do just jump up and try have sex w everone in the room. that not how im thinking and i feel real bad sometime that seem to be what culture seem to think with all the porn ppl watch. im not like that and i dont throw myself at anyone. maybe some this trangender ppl are like that, but im not. i unerstand that im a woman of class, not some street hooker.
i was reading about some trangender woman online who dealing with stalkers to and when i hear thing like that it make me just want to continue dress as a man so im not going have to deal with that issue again. im not signed up for circus or zoo exhibit. im not exotic animal. i dont want someone who giving up on girls or someone who want something new. you know, maybe just get to know me outside the tinder apps and hookups. maybe some common interest. its always weird becuz ppl have to make this into fetish or bdsm or fantasy and its not its my life i live everday.
It's done. By end of day tomorrow, my home will be listed. It's a bunch of mix feelings, this is what is holding us back from moving forward, but it was MY HOME for eleven years, second longest I have lived anywhere, and longest Nikki has ever. I'm not surprised, I have learned I really hate endings of any kind, even when they are what I wanted. So...now we are in the next phase, and this one sorta sucks. There is nothing more I can do, it's just waiting until someone decides they want the house enough to pay us. Meh.
I will give it this, MUCH easier paperwork wise to sell a house than buy one. I asked the realtor what paperwork we needed to gather to bring to closing, and apparently nothing. Title agency does all that for us, we just have to show up, sign our name six times (as apposed to what felt like six hundred at closing to buy) and we're done. No 80 millions trips all over town trying to gather things and turn them into the bank. Of course, then we have to go through the buying process again. Yay.
Love and Violence
Now like all modern work place, we have zero tolerance for violence but that does not seem to stop bi-polar boy from acting like a jerk. I call him that because he seems to be in need of medication for the shadows of his mind play tricks on him with his interaction to the world. It’s all conspiracies. The Earth is flat! We never went tote moon. Obama is an Alien lizard. You have seen the same sort of wacky ideas on the fringe web sites you read for giggles. He believes them, one and all. She calls him Joe-Blow, a reference to a BS artist who is always on the girls, trying to get their attention. I used to get jealous cause he was always hitting on her but now I know how she feels, so I feel better! At least she knows the score about him. He is like married. He live with the same women and her kids, he pays the bills and basically does what a man is supposed to do for his women, even if they are not married. However, he flirts with all the girls and he basically hits on them as if he was looking for a date. None of my business what he does except he tends to bother her. Mostly he pisses her off. She gets feisty and in his face to tell him off back. Remember she is tiny, and I mean small. 5 foot nothing, 100 lbs tiny. He is a bigger guy near 5'10" and weights a good 220 maybe 250. For some reason he keeps bothering her, even though he really does not like her. I hear him speak, or rather over heard him as he swears under his breath at her as he walks away. "What a Bitch." I heard him say once. So one day she was doing something and he was seated. He said something and she basically told him off. So in what I have come to call "Faux Violence," basically a fake threat because I am sure he would not have resorted to violence, his eyes tightened. His fist clenched. His face went red and he started to get up. Until he glance over my way. Just as he towers over her in weight and height, I am taller and weight more than he does. You could almost see how he mind was thinking, I was right there, so there would be no chance of any real violence and she would be even more in his face, thus doubling his humiliation and there was nothing he could do about it since there would be no way any funny stuff was going to happen with me around to... to ... raise objections to his faux violence or otherwise anyone who threatens her. Not sure she noticed any of this but I did. Made me smile. I may not be in her life, but I am still making it better just by standing around.
But that is the violence, where is the love?
One of the older Italians that we work with is always against her. She is senior to him, which is where I figured was the spark point but I was wrong. Boy was I ever wrong! So, he complains that she does not do her job; she is always wandering off etc. And he complains to anyone who will listen to him including the bosses. He is always complaining about her. Well one day, he had to go to the bathroom on work time. It happens to us all, we cover for each other. When he came back 20 minutes later, he put on his jacket because he was going out for a smoke. He was speaking to another Italian about how she is never working, never doing anything, always wondering around. Errr? The irony of his complaining about her not working was lost on him for some reason. Another time, he was on one side of the conveyor and we were on the other. There was a box on his side that needed to go to my side so I said give it to me. She was further down lost in space, staring into the hemisphere. So instead of giving it to me, he tosses right in front of her. It was a light box so it would not have hurt her even if he had aimed it at her. Which he certainly did not! It just landed right in front of her and gave her a fright. This is what he wanted to do, scare her. It happens sometimes when she is inside her own head that she is in the crowd but lost. To the point where they yell her name and she is like literally jumping up. Startled by her name being called, she gets embarrassed by her own inattentiveness rather than mad at being disturbed. He accuses any man who helps her of being in love. I move her heavy boxes so I must be in love with her. I must be her boyfriend. I know where she is all the time! I don't. I only know where she is most of the time... So Friday another Italian was helping her do her work, basically lifting the heavy boxes as I would normally do, except I was assigned elsewhere so I could not do both. And this guy starts in on the Italian. Only he does his comments in, of course, Italian. Since English and French would be a dead giveaway and half the group speak Italian so most would understand him. Having work with them for years I get some of what they say. In this case, he started in on the second guy, must be in love with her etc. The very same things he was accusing me of being only, literally, the day before. In my case, it would be true but this guy? Say what? What was in his head that would make him accuse us all of being in love with her until it clicked. Who gives a girl all his attention? All his focus? But someone in love with her. And click. He had a crush on her. He was like 25 years older then she is and married with kids and grandkids and all that but he had a crush on her. That was why he was always talking about her, always saying things about her. He wanted her away from him because he was in love with her.
One last story of someone else being in love with her; another guy, much younger, was always hanging around her, always trying to talk to her, but he was getting nowhere. Might be because he smoked, and she was dead set against smokers. Could be he was simply a jerk? I don't know but she shut him out. As we were working one day he was badgering her about how old she was. She was playing but she was not answering, I was working nearby and interjected that she was nineteen and holding. Nuff said. She smiled a very happy smile because he was not going to find out her age! She also got a compliment that she looked younger than she was! He, on the other hand, had a grimace, sort of pained silence that he was not going to find out how old she was today. I already knew, she told me a while ago. She is not 19. Another time, while we were working on a truck, he walked up to talk to her, certainly not to talk to me. And he was making snide comments about my being there. I looked at him and said "We're a team." As if that explained everything about why I was always around helping her and it did because we are a team. It did the trick well enough in his mind because he left soon after. But this guy is another follower of hers; a not so secret admirer, who she tolerates. Cause he can be annoying to me. One day as he was driving out he stops and yells at me. "Tell her I love her!" I waved and kept on working. Thinking; "Boy what a jerk," until I realised that he really does love her. In a superficial, childish manner that involved a man sized crush from a little boy sized personality.
In the end, I help her, moving her heavy boxes or just standing there to give the bully a second thought. I help her, she helps me, we are a team. We may not be going out but that does not mean we cannot be partners: even if that would be too strong a connection and too formal as well.
Still I journey on.
Thanks for reading!
Over 20,000 views of my site. This count is mind boggling. Maybe I can be a good influence to those I impact. Dawn
Added - this is all me - wearing a sports bra and a nice running outfit - Showing two early photos to now - Can anyone see why I might be first seen as a woman now?
This photo represents the best of how I feel and look today. I have changed quite a bit since I joined this site. Lost weight, longer hair, pierced ears, some breast growth, smooth small and shapely muscles, beard gone. I have reshaped and modified myself as much as I could with out going through extensive surgeries. Now much more feminine in body I am and much more aware of my being transgender. I love it when I look and feel like a woman. This is where I am and I think this is where I will remain. I expect I will take a few more steps toward physical and inward beauty. (Ask me) Thanks to all of you who have positively critiqued my photos,logs and blogs. I love and respect to all of you - Dawn
I spent the evening with three girlfriends at a dinner show in downtown Seattle. I should have had a better time. I wore my new burgundy REI sweater dress, fleece-lined leggings, and a silver necklace. If I do say so myself, I looked nice. Nice that is, for me.
I'm not sure I should be writing this at all. After all I'm a moderator here. Aren't I supposed to be like a Camp Counselor who always knows the right thing to say, the right thing to do? That's what it seemed like when I went to camp, about fifty years ago I guess.
My divorce from my wife is final as of about a week ago. We still talk, we love and miss each other, and I think we will always be in each other's lives. But nonetheless we are divorced.
I feel like I should be looking forward, excited about the future. Instead all too often I am so envious of women who get to just be what they are. Sure, they aren't perfect either. But their hairline isn't all receding, they have at least some sort of waist, and their voices are naturally feminine. And oh yeah, they don't have beards. Today I saw my electrologist for our weekly appointment. This week we were scheduled for only an hour because the dentist in the adjacent office is on vacation. She started working on my side burns but after 40 minutes I had to call it quits. It just hurt too much. I couldn't take it any longer. I guess I have another couple of years worth of appointments to look foreword to.
I'm so blessed and so lucky and yet I feel so blue. I feel guilty for that, like I shouldn't feel this way. But we know that everyone's feelings are valid. I should approach them mindfully, accept them, don't fight them, and in fact, embrace them. Use them to help point the way I should go, don't let fear and hurt drag me down. If it were that easy...
The good news is that I adopted a two-year old cat about a month ago, Peanut, whose photo is below. She seems to like me. I like her too.
Let me start off with saying, I know that I haven't been active in a long time, and I might not get to say this...
Merry Christmas to all of you celebrating the festive season. May this bring you everything you thought it would and more.
I had an eventful few months and that is so going to get me disowned if I'm not already disowned... But that is another story for another day, when I probably need to vent.
I got engaged in the last few months and only my niece, also the one I call my child, and she agrees that I'm being disowned and flung out like last years fashion that will never become a craze again. So yes, engaged and I do love him, flaws and all.
Then, I started working on shifts again, and my time is so occupied with work and love life that I barely have time to think about what to tell you.
Ooooh, did I mention that my one doctor finally gave me the letter that is required to change my gender marker on my ID, and that only took something like 4 years to get. And now the other doctors that said they would assist me are the problems in doing what I need to do. How can this be so difficult to get the letter required for the change. I also said that I will only marry once these changes have been executed on my ID. But I also might subconsciously want to wait a while for making certain that I made the right choice in giving my heart to someone.
So yes, my medical check ups for script renewal has changed to once a year, but I need my script rewritten every 6 months.
I tore some ligaments in my right hand and could use it properly for 9 weeks, okay it's 12 weeks already, and it is still painful to do some moves, and to fight properly with my hand. Okay, it happened because I was in a fight with a guy who's face was harder then the back of a pickup or brick wall. Okay, it was also justifiable that I knocked the guys teeth out, after all he was beating a teenage girl with a golf club and he was a grown ass man.
What else did I not mention that I think you should know about???
Really can't think now, but my operation was a success, seeing that I got through the complications that I faced for a time frame afterwards. Developed blood clots that just didn't want to go away, and bled like a leaking bottle for a bit more then 6 weeks, and it freaked me out the few times I woke up covered in blood, and that my precautions didn't even help me.
Did I mention that my hair is now slightly over shoulder length. I settled down to around 135-140Lbs no longer 145Lbs. Doesn't help my breast development, but I also thought of having a discussion with the endocrinologist on the possibility to change me to another estrogen form, cause I can't figure out what is making me nauseous. Might be the medication, or something else, like stressing. Yes, you would also be stressing if you knew the man that you love is kinda, sort of, disliked by your family, because I can't figure out how to convince them that he is right for me.
Having my legs licked and probably telling me to stop having a discussion with myself, I will be doing the following.
Merry Christmas my sweets, stay as kind as you are. I've not forgotten you, so have constantly thought of what to tell you, but when I had the words, I definitely didn't have the time to write anything.
Keep safe please, as I don't want to hear of another death of someone I knew. Okay, two so called family members, wait was three if recall properly. Father's brother (no he wrote each other off one Xmas, after he decided to attack me for being trans, so not family), cousins husband (didn't know him, and I think I stopped at the accident without knowing about it, and was working), aunt's brother (she married in so does that make him family), and the same aunt's boyfriend (yes she turn 70 this week, in the last 2 months we had to deal with him that got a stroke, and I was the last person around him as his last 2nd and last stroke took his life. He was so looking forward to her birthday and Christmas, but just made it to December).
So be safe and enjoy the festive season. I will be watching over those of you close to me.
Kind loving hearts blossom
Friends, family and loves
We gather in a time of giving
Not the giving of presents
But the giving of hearts
We are all here
Not just waiting, but
Fighting for what we were taught
The teachings of what is right and wrong
And I guess, that we have finally started believing
Believing in our dreams and what our hearts are telling us
So go forth and be who you were meant to be.
Hi I’am new to site. My name is frank and I’am 23. On the outside Iam a male but inside I feel like a female. When I was kid I always been attractive to girl stuff like painting my nails/toes, wearing makeup, wearing high heels and dresses. I felt pretty and happy when I look myself in the mirror. As I grew up I felt ashamed of myself because I was a male who was more like a female and I didn’t know why and hoped those feelings would eventually leave so I can be “normal”. That never happened but couple years ago I did a lot of research and I realize it wasn’t my fault. I always denied my female self but Iam finally ready to turne that page and admit that I’am ready to be a women. Just don’t know what to do now? I could use some advice.
So, I've been here at my Mum's house long enough now that the time came to get my vehicle's license plate replaced. I've got a new plate and now I blend in with the locals. I've also been here long enough that my old driver's license was about to expire and I had to prepare for a new one. Being that I was going to end up getting a license in a new state, I figured I'd go online and see what all would be required... what paperwork/documentation, or whatever, to prove I'm a legal citizen of the good ol' U.S of A. While doing my homework, I discovered that I could actually start the process for getting a license - online. Okay...that was cool.
For getting a license for the first time in this state, you have to fill out an application and then go thru the list of required documentation and pick out the ones you are able to provide, or must find a way to obtain. While filling out the application, the Devil crawled up on one shoulder, and David Michael crawled up on the other shoulder. Being that most humans have only two shoulders, naturally, there was no place for that little Angel that likes to be across from the Devil to counteract any of his shenanigans... LOL. The Devil and I were gonna get along juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine.
Anywho... I came upon two boxes - one for male and one for female. There have been many a story about people who's driver's license had the wrong sex marker on them. And of course, anyone can make a mistake... so, I accidentally on purpose hit the box for male, 'cause, well, the idea of having to check female yet again, was distressful. It's becoming more so, more and more. I figured the hell with it - if anyone asks, I'll simply tell them I was in a hurry at the time, only half paying attention, an' obviously hit the wrong box. <shrugs>
The days were dwindling. I had only about seven days left on the current license. Reluctantly, I hauled my sorry butt to the DMV to get a new driver's license. Armed with BC, marriage license, application number and current DL, I stood in line waiting for the next available agent. Finally, a free agent. I walked over and sat down, layed all my stuff on the counter, said "hello," and gave the lady my application number. She pulled up my application and went to work.
Now... this woman had three documents in front of her that clearly stated my birth sex. I assumed she either didn't see the "M" on my application since she didn't question me, or she just took it upon herself to make the "correction." I sat quietly while she got everything filled out and entered into the system. She pulled a sheet of paper from her printer and advised me it was a temporary license and that I should keep it on me until I get the permanent one. I forked over my money, she collected everything I had given her, the temporary license, and handed it all to me saying that my permanent license would arrive in the mail within 15 days. I thanked her, we wished each other a good day, and I left.
A couple days later, I pulled my wallet out to get that temporary license - I had folded it up before I had even left the DMV parking lot, not wanting to see the information on it. But then, I had to see what sex was on it - if it was on there at all since it was, after all, only a temporary license. I slowly unfolded the paper, and then tried to hone in on where I thought the sex marker might be.
MY GOD, SHE DIDN'T SEE IT! And yeah - - it looked THAT glorious! I thought my heart was gonna pound it's way straight thru my sternum. I allowed myself a minute or two of sheer, unadulterated, child-like giddy excitement, then stifled it, and came back down to reality, believing there could be the possibility that between then and whenever the permanent license was created, someone might spot and "correct" that "M." I re-folded the temporary license and put it back in my wallet.
Just a few days later, the permanent license arrived in the mail. I slowly opened it, bracing for the worst. I fully expected to find a "corrected" license and a letter to announce/explain such. Instead, an "M" nearly jumped off the card at me. I was very happy. Right or wrong, correct or incorrect, I was happy. I didn't even care that the name and the sex marker contradicted each other. I sat at the desk for a moment just looking at the license. And then I spotted it. That twit had entered my entire name... not just full first name, but full first name AND middle name - SPELLED OUT. If there's anything I hate worse than my first [given] name, it's my middle [given] name. And the bad part is... the application indicated that entry of a middle name or initial was optional, and all that was on the old license was an initial. I surely wasn't expecting that!
Karma. Freakin'. SUCKS!
Several years ago I was asked to speak at Microsoft on "Diversity and Inclusion in the workplace". They wanted my perspective as a Microsoft MVP (Most Valued Professional) being transgender in the tech field. Only a handful at Microsoft knew I was transgender when I would meet with them but my lead at Microsoft asked me to participate and I said yet. From that I did the Diversion and Inclusion speech with a panel which then moved to me being interviewed (which was the second time, first time was the year prior for women in tech).
So several weeks ago I was asked to do a write up for a Microsoft blog (which in the first paragraph has a link to another article for the New York Times). Never heard back from them but instead rec'd a tweet from another female MVP saying I should change my Twitter handle from (my old identity) of kevininstructor to kareninstructor. Learned that kareninstructor was taken (strange, may be I created it and forgot about it, will have to see) so I had to pick another one (ended up being a better selection). I then noticed that group Twitter account was cc'd so I went there and found a link to my blog entry. Now in all fairness I belong to the group and if I had checked it out would had know the blog was posted so fair is fair.
i remember when i first realized that i wasn't like my brothers, that i was like my sisters. it seemed like a delicious secret but .it didn't take too long for that delcious secret to become a nightmare. By age 5 i prayed that God would make me a girl (i still do). From age 8 until i was18 i dressed in my sister's clothes daily. It always felt soo right to be wearing girl clothes and always i felt calm, the only time in my days when i did feel calm. Until was 11 i thought that i was the only one like me. At age 11 I read about Jan Morris and for the first time i thought that maybe i wasn't alone.
When i turned 18 the impossibility of being me was overwhelming, everyday all day i would see other girls and ladies and feel the pain of not being able to be openly like them. i became angry at being trans and even hating me being me. In the next years i ran from me fell in love, got married had 4 children earned 2 degrees all the while hating the best part of me and always when i would pause i would feel the same pain of not being me only every day every year the pain grew worse, it still does.
For those of you who are young and hesitating to transition please do whatever it takes to transition. You can run from being trans but it won'ty go away. YOU CAN"T RUN FROM THE BEST PART OF YOURSELF no matter how hard you run or how faryou run. Please don't be cowardly like me and find yourself at 59 years of age hurting soo badly because you need to be the woman you were born to be. May we all love the person we are and be willing to do what it takes to be true to ourselves everyday of our lives. i fear that for me it probably is too late but there are some wonderful things that have happened to me. My maternal instinct makes me an outstanding special educator and i now have grown to love the girl i am.
To any who might be reading this, please know that you and i are friends whom i haven't met yet. i will love you forever.
So I wanted to throw this out for discussion - I've been thinking recently about the term "transition" as it relates to the trans community. For starters, I hope nothing that I say here will suggest that I think everyone needs to use the same terminology, particularly for their own experience and journey - it's our story, it's our terminology!
But in a broader perspective, I have some concerns about the term "transition." Transition is defined as "the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another." Put simply, my fear of it's general use, with respect to trans-identified people, is that it perpetuates the narrative of being born X and "transitioning" to Y. In my view, I was NOT a man who transitioned to a woman, I was born a woman with some wrong parts. My "transition" therefore was essentially a medical correction along with a change in my personal presentation.
And of course that does reflect a transition, so the word works. The problem is that there is an entrenched history of believing that we were born one gender and changed to the other - and I think that the term transition is linked to that narrative. Perhaps it's time to look for a new word, or stop using the word entirely? I think back over my process and wonder if I could have gone without it - in what circumstances did I need the word? For people who knew, I could say that yes, I'm getting some medical support to correct some things, and I'm working towards living my authentic self.
The "trigger" in this case was discovering that my field placement location uses the initials "CGHT" (cross-gender hormone therapy) for HRT that is being prescribed to trans-identified clients. I'm working on that issue, but I realized the big problem I had with it is that it reaffirms that same narrative with staff who see and use that terminology - I DO NOT take "cross-gender" hormones.
I am by no means sold on all of this, it's a thought I've been having and wanted to share and see what others in the community think
Hello and greetings,
Today L and I took a leap into the tranns world. We went and picked out a new hair piece together. 220 bucks worth and boy oh boy I tell ya. We got a baby sitter for the afternoon and went and had our nails done. then we went out to dinner in Downtown and at a fancy place also. I felt natural as I ordered dinner and played with my boys and smiled and almost cried a couple times at the total peace I am starting to feel in my skin.
I got home to find my gaff had arrived and I ran into the bedroom shed my attire and put it on. I then put on some skinny jeans and a shirt and told L to look at me. never had I felt more alive than when she touched my nether region and there was nothing there. I felt like a natural woman. It has taken me many years and tears to feel that way and when the love of my life reached down and touched me and kissed me I knew we would spend the rest of our ives together. I am still working on mannerism stance and stuff but i have 41 years on man crapolla to rid myself of. Well night all lets see what tomorrow holds
Two of my girlfriends and I went out to go dancing and let our hair fly on Saturday night. It was great, we arrived to the club and were welcomed with open arms. Guys were buying us drinks and we danced our asses off.
When it was time to leave we had a 6 block hike in our 6 inch heels to the parking lot, but some young kids decided to harass us while walking to our safe zone.
One of my girlfriends, who will remain nameless, was assaulted one time by a man who continuously called her a freak while she was walking alone to her car after work a few years back.
Because of that terrible attack we walk in numbers — ALWAYS. When being harassed by these punks I took a photo of their license plate causing them to stop in the middle of the road threatening to run me over with the car.
Here's where the story elevates; as they made the threat two deputies were coming out of a diner and heard the words spewing from the mouths of these thugs. It only took them seconds to react and the trio were taken into custody.
The deputies said it didn't matter that we were CD/TG, we were people who needed help and that's what they do.
I love the Emerald City.
The moral of the story is simple: Walk in numbers and don't be afraid to ask for help.
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So, you see after Forever I am adding a new blob giggles.
Yeah a big pile of blob, why eh I suppose because here is a place just to dribble out some thoughts without disturbing the flow of a thread, or a means to vent without disturbing the flow of the forum.
I know that not everyone appreciates my opinions or views on life, wether or not if it has anything to do with transition or not, not everyone will, I respect that, I do.
That being said, some times you just want to reach thru the screen and grab the other person and give em a bit of a shaking lol.
Ahhhh you twat giggle
Smile everyday even when some self absorbed thumb sucking twat struggles through life and wishes to drag you along for the shitty ride. Oops PG nah you know better coming here, yup you do don't you, that's why you read my posts because in the end of it all I will never lie to you why should I I don't expect you to lie to me, if you think I am a blow hard big mouthed deisel dyke who prattles on tell me that because I will tell you your a twat. Smiles and laughs.
Thanks Mom and Aunts for my understanding no one wants needs or deserves to be Molly coddled.
You know it's been a hell of a trip but in general transition is fine, yeah I wish I had done a few things differently but for the most part, it's exactly what I knew it would be, life in a different pair of pants.
Just go live your lives free from the delusion transition will change everything, because it won't, you will change what you see needs to be changed, you will feel it's over when you feel it, no one can control you unless you allow them to. Grow up be an adult and live the last bit of this life you have to it's fullest.
And yeah life can beat the hell out of you just drag your butt up and say is that the best you can do well here you go I can take it.
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I had a wonderful week this week. Last week I told you of a horrible incident that happend when somebody was rude and upset me about being Transgender and a park in the UK last week. Well I have some good news after speaking to the park they were wonderful and invited me back to made my dream of being Slimed come true. (I had always wanted to be on on a messy childfens game show growing up but was bullied at school and was told I was to ugly to be on TV. )I went back yesterday and despite and long train journey it was worth it. Everybody was so kind and understanding. So a huge thank you to Blackpool Pleasure Beach, Nickelodeon Land and Team Nick, and Nickelodeon uk. I may still be ugly but at least my dream came true
But as you can see I made a bit of a mess of slime box. Sorry Team Nick. I have also included the video of me being slimed I am on the left in the yellow t-shirt.
Day one of this new medication is going terribly so far. I feel so tired and groggy even though I slept 16 hours! I took the medication around 7:30, went to sleep at 8:30, and woke up around noon. This reminds me of my last medication which made me half asleep all day. This one is making me half asleep as well but it's more like 3/4 asleep considering I could sleep anytime, anywhere where as my last medication I could stay awake for about 3 hours after taking it. I also am having quite vivid dreams which wasn't very fun since I have a history of nightmares and night terrors.
I read up on it and apparently this drowsiness should dissipate after about 2 weeks. I don't know if I can wait that long but I will. I don't want to stop it and have to see the psychiatrist again so soon and have her thinking I just want attention like she did yesterday. I'll probably lag on the blog for the next couple of days since this drowsiness is taking over me.
So, I think one of my earliest identity issues was that I didn’t know I was transgender, and having had no real role models to look to, or internet to search, I made that big mistake of confusing sexuality with gender.
I had always known I was different and I put a lot of these feelings down to being sexually abused by a man when I was younger.
I made the mistake of feeling feminine rather than masculine and blamed that on my confusion around what had happened in my younger years. So, like others I tried whatever I could to repress those feelings, I abused my body by self-harming; something I began shortly after the abuse.
I would burn, scold, cut and break as much of my body as possible, culminating in quite a broken body, both mentally and physically. Obviously, this couldn’t go on.
Around 10 years ago I entered in to professional help, and spent much of the next two years learning to deal and come to terms with much of this emotional baggage. It was during this time that I began to dig deeper in to these ‘feelings’ and to explore what it actually all meant.
Knowing now what I didn’t know until then was a massive sea change in my life and once I had learned to take control of what this meant, life has become a little easier.
One of my major ‘revelations’ was that gender does not equal sexuality and this has helped me to move beyond my repressive behaviour and to live a little more at peace with who I am.
Obviously like many ‘different’ social groups, collectively we are seen in a sexual nature. With the boundaries between a Crossdresser, Transvestite and Transgender being viewed as one in the same, when in fact, we are very different in nature and purpose. I think this is also why so many transition later in life, because we have yet to understand where we fit within the gender spectrum ourselves.
Tests like the Cogiati are good in terms of helping those who are not transgender determine what it is about wanting to dress like a woman and what it means in particular to them. But for those who are transgender, it does nothing but confirm our beliefs. The Cogiati is, I guess similar to the multitude of quizzes you find in certain womens magazines or online. But for those of us who have known all along, it does nothing valuable, it’s not a diagnosis, or likely to influence us to who we are. In fact I have spoken to a number of post-operative Trans who, when taking the ‘test’ have come out as Androgynous, so it should never be taken as a definitive diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria.
So I guess, my main point is that, it’s ok to be different, but only you will know how different you actually are.
Hello! It has been almost exactly a year since I last posted. Partly because I've been busy and partly because I couldn't find the site because I forgot what it was called! I have a lot of updates, this is almost an origin story so get comfy ;)
So, in May/ June i decided that I was done with moping around being a miserable git and feeling sorry for myself, it was time for change. I started to compile a letter to my family and friends the tell them about the new me. The first draft was about 3000 words and didn't read very well but with a little tweaking I got the count down and it was ready. I sent one to my mum, sister, best friend and I hand delivered the one to my girlfriend because she lived in my city. I know there would be a mixed bag of reactions but the one coming first would be from my girlfriend because she didn't have to suffer the Royal Mail. I was absolutely terrified! I had the letters teetering in the post box, only half in because once there in thats it! No take backsies.
Ill be more than happy to share the letter with you all if you would like, just let me know in the comments. I know it would probably have been better to say it all face to face but it was logistically not possible and I can't speak what I want it comes out as jibberish when I'm nervous.
So later that evening I received a text from my girlfriend to ask me to come over. I gave her an out in the letter and said that I would understand if she didn't want to be with me because of it, its only fair. As soon as she opened the door she burst into tears and I almost broke down myself. She wasn't crying because she was breaking up with me, she was crying at the idea of not being with me. It was all very emotional and we talked for hours about the future and what's going to happen next.
The next day I got a call from my sister crying, but it was more of a happy cry. She was very supportive and continues to be so to this day. I also got a text from my mum telling me she got the letter. *Back story, both my mum and my sister skipped to the end of my letter because they thought it was a joke. Mum then called, crying, and in the outset she seemed supportive. I went to go see her and she back tracked a lot, she didn't get it which is understandable and she didn't necessarily agree with it. The trip made me very sad and I cried a lot in bed that night. She has since become the amazing mum she had been for many years before.
That was all in the space of a week in June, there was a lot of emotion flying around.
Fast forward a month and my city's annual LGBT festival was happening. Oh wait I missed a bit, my girlfriend decided to stay with me because she is amazing! Honestly I wouldn't be the person I am today without her help and support. I am merely pieces of a person but she is my glue, keeping me together. So yeah LGBT festival, I wanted to go out as a woman for the first time. I figured that if I don't look perfect then that would be okay because everyone's dressed up and heading to the gay bar! I picked out an outfit, which was approved by my gf ;) and we headed out with our friend. It was the happiest moment in my life that I can remember for a long long time. Being out, being dressed up, it was exhilarating! I once went to a fancy dress party as a girl when I was 16, no one cottoned on to what I was doing which was fantastic and sad at the same time. So that was pride!
Not much happened in the months following, I started epilating (ow) and practicing with make up. Then when Halloween rolled around I took another chance to go out as Faith. Oh yes, my new name is Faith :) Halloween is a wonder out time where people can be anyone they want, so I did. We had a party and then hit the town. I was having a great old time and even bumped into a few people from uni who didn't recognise me which felt great! Of course my friend rumbled me by calling me by my old name but hey, who cares! I also went out New Years and unfortunately got entangled in a conversation with some random people which was tough because I don't have a woman's voice as of yet but they seemed nice and didn't point it out.
I have taken some big steps to becoming Faith, I have changed my name, I have been put on the GIC waiting list (2 years) and I have planned me entire look as cheaply as possible. While I have taken these big steps, it doesn't feel like enough, I still feel the same. I felt great, I told everyone and everything was going to change and it was going to be great. Nothing changed, that is indeed the issue, every time I see a woman I get a pang of jealousy and then struck with sadness. I don't want to die, but it's getting harder to live like this, I haven't told anyone this because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me and baby me. Its just hard, I know I'm not alone it's hard for all of us at times, just seems like all the time at the moment.
So that is me fully updated! Thanks for reading if you made it this far ;) look forward to coming back to the blog and talking to some people!
Lots of Love
I have been quiet over the past few months. I have visited the site but have not written anything. Not commented on anything, not added an entry to the blog, etc. All I've done is read what others are writing about. I've noticed a few people sign off lately; saying goodbye; moving on. I've wondered about their reasons for leaving. I've also wondered what I'm doing here.
To be honest, one of the things that has bothered me is whether it's safe to post here. I've thought about the way the political landscape has changed in the USA and what that might mean for people who are based in the USA - and also what it might mean for people like me who are not based in the USA but whose words are, in all likelihood, being stored in a US data centre as I type. Am I being paranoid? Probably. Do I have cause to be paranoid? Not sure, yet. Probably not. But I am also wondering whether I have anything useful or interesting to say anymore.
I could tell people about how I've visited the gender specialists three times since i last added an entry to this blog, and how I have another two appointments lined up - one later this week and one next month. I could talk about the fact that my GP still isn't prescribing my testosterone and I'm still getting it via a private prescription, and that my GP has received written instructions from the gender specialists about what to prescribe and how to monitor my blood, but that she still doesn't seem inclined to do it. I could talk about my relationship with my husband, or my brother, or how things are going at work, or how one phone call from me to the psychologist at the gender clinic is all it would take to set up a referral to a surgeon for top surgery.
But I don't really want to. I've realised that I'm being self-indulgent on here. I've recently read through some of my previous posts and it seems to me that I've felt sorry for myself quite a lot and I don't want to do that anymore.
Everyone has problems. Everyone has things they need to work out or work through. I have it quite easy, really. I have a good life and I have family and friends who care about me and respect me. When I come here I seem to forget that and I only dwell on the negatives. I've used this site to moan and complain when, really, I have nothing to moan or complain about.
I wish everyone well. I hope you all get what you want out of life and I hope your journeys progress the way you want them to. I hope the destination is as wonderful as you envisage it to be.
Peace and long life.
All my life I sought a life-long relationship, and, yes, I found true love for ten years, (in my forties), only to lose it for my refusal to marry her (back then, a Holy Union), for fear of losing my Disability benefits and bankrupting her as a result.
As I approach my 60's, I realize I have become more complex, because of all the life experience I have been through, making it more difficult for me to find someone with whom I am compatible. What brought this home to me was my experience with four Lesbian dating websites, (from my mid-fifties to the present), where the women my age (59) were more complicated and had more complex demands on a potential partner.
Slowly, it gradually occurred to me, that if I didn't find an alternative way of looking at love and companionship, that very likely I would remain single and have no romantic love and companionship for the rest of my life.
Gradually, I realized serial brief relationships (with the possibility of a relationship growing into a friendship or even a long-term relationship) would be a lot more realistic.
Here are my reasons:
WHY IT'S BEST I LIVE ALONE
- Am set in my ways.
- Needs to use the bathroom on short notice.
- Terrible odor when I use the bathroom.
- Never shared my living space (not even with my lover of 10 years).
- Can not share my apartment and finances due to being on Disability.
- Needs to live in HUD Public Housing (if anyone wanted to live with me, they, too, would have to be "very low income," too).
- Allergic to horses, dogs, cats and birds (most Lesbians not only have cats and dogs, but sleep with their pets).
- Am actually happy with my apartment (and I am unlikely to find as good an apartment - especially HUD Housing - anywhere).
- Only negative where I live is some residents in Beacon and many residents of my apartment complex, I don't like. Avoid them and save money to take trips every three or four months.
- Love my building.
- Management treats me humanely.
- Maintenance treats me humanely, and does an efficient and thorough job maintaining and cleaning the building as well as making repairs in my apartment. (Most HUD Public Housing properties are poorly maintained.)
- Very low crime rate where I live. (The lowest crime rate I have every seen at a HUD Public Housing property I have ever seen.)
Here are what I think are the advantages of short-term relationships:
The Advantages of Short-Term Relationships
- Due to very low income (some would call this a "budget income," I can not relocate quickly to continue dating a woman (in order to avoid a "U-Haul" situation where I would move in with her, and hope for the best!)
- Most women do not qualify (very low income) and are uncomfortable dating a woman who lives in HUD Public Housing, especially if it is poorly maintained and is in a dangerous neighborhood.
- Able to enjoy the relationship before the drama and games begin.
- Can't find a woman locally to me because of homophobia where I live. (Most women are already coupled before they move here.)
- Both parties should be single out of respect for other relationships and for themselves.
- Sex is not the primary reason for such a relationship, but companionship.
Of course, there are many other reasons people may choose short-term relationships rather than long-term or lifelong relationships.
Would like to hear from others if they resonate with this in their own lives (especially if they are 60 +) and how realistic they think this is.
Am I selling myself short? Or am I having realistic expectations for a 59 year old, average-looking woman, who is kind, compassionate, supportive and has many interests?
Thank you in advance for your comments!
Unfortunately due to some issues I won't be able to host my content here anymore. I have many reasons. But thank you gentle folk for your love and support. I wish you all the best. If you want to be in contact:
Hear me screaming at the clouds on twitter: @charllandsberg or my Twitter Profile
Come have a look at my weird and wonderful art on Tumblr
Have a look at my cooking and everyday photography on Instagram
I'm all over the place. Be good. Take care of yourselves.
All my love
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This is the story of my transformation and my life as a crossdresser and how I was and who I was a girl or woman.It all started with a fight with a school bully who challenge to a fight at the park near my house and I lost the fight for he was on top on me and had me to being a sissy. I didn’t know what that meant at that time so I look it up and found it what it meant. That began my quest to find out what it felt like to be the opposite sex/gender. I started with my mother’s panties and then I got my own and then on out I started to get my own wardrobe. I have purged quite a few times and the third time being the last time and I got rid of my entire wardrobe in all. But I had all the right stuff, panties, bras and pantyhose and skirts and blouses and high heels and pocketbook and lipstick and makeup. I have wondered it felt to be a woman or the opposite sex gender and got into fantasy and Mistresses and got to services and have called phone sex services quite a few times during my time as Judy. Even written a script for the ladies on the phone out.
I have to gone to Lady Ellen’s Transformation Service to do my pictures two times. Back in the early 2000’s and it was all together I had a few girlfriends and have met a couple times with one or two of them. But have been able to connect with any of them as being mates or partners. Everyone since I have posted my pictures online has told me how good I have looked. Yes it comes quite naturally to me.Why do I crossdress? Well, it began like I said in a effort to understand the opposite sex/gender,
Then I started to feel good about my feminine self aka Judy, which then lead to aspire to be like a good secretary. I prefer blouses and skirts and heels and slips (full) under dresses and heels to anything else. Judy likes to dress up a secretary or a business woman. Even getting out of male clothing is somewhat relaxing to me. Judy is nothing like my male mode of Jay. Judy is my second self and she likes to relax with a blouse and skirt and heels and lipstick and makeup on.
That is about it.
It's been an extremely long time...but yeah, I'm still here. Nothing much has changed and I lost the ambition to blog because it was an endless parade of the same thing every day. It felt like a waste of time to keep repeating myself. Not sure why I'm here again, but I think maybe on the rare chance that anyone was wondering where I went or, by chance, was worried; I wanted to let everyone know that I'm alright.
Whats New: Just over a year at my job in Security, and nothing has changed too drastically. We had a conflict during my shift between a civilian and a staff member and I clicked back into my pre-training when I wanted to be a State Trooper and handled the situation the only way I knew how. I got in the middle of it. I was able to defuse the situation safely and separate the two individuals, writing a detailed report on time, location, involved parties and descriptions of the would-be assailant. I didnt think anything of it. It's my job, it's what I do.
Well, apparently the higher-ups of the company I work for didnt think it was just "what you do". They called a meeting, held a conference, and low and behold...I was upgraded. I'm now full-time, with benefits (soon, not yet. Paperwork is awaiting) and I was given huge praise from both the Town Police Officers and the Academy I work for. Not only that, but the situation forced them to realize that we, as Security, are vastly ill-equipped for our jobs and finally have decided to listen to our needs and provide us with new supplies. A newer, larger vehicle that we can safely transport clients and students in (we are using a little P.O.S. hand-me-down Ford Ranger right now which is horribly cramped all the time and I hate driving it.). I'm still in work-mode so my typing is kinda professional still Anyway, we're each getting water-proof, theft-proof, USB charging Dock equipped backpacks that will have flashlights, mace, first aid, notebook&pen, a security monitoring computer and etc. We're also all getting new uniforms and much-needed spotlights and gear that we SHOULD have had months ago. It took my situation with an aggressive individual for them to realize "hey, these guys COULD get hurt while protecting these kids...we should gear them up." FINALLY.
So that's work.
(Plus I was at the Post office today ((with my security jacket on....because it's basically the only winter coat I own.)) and one of the postal workers stopped me and said his son goes to our Academy and asked about a drug raid he'd heard about. I explained that one particular student who will remain nameless had supposedly had prescription painkillers in his possession that were not his, and we confiscated them. I assured him that we do frequent and random sweeps of dorm rooms and dorm buildings for anything they should not have, and he seemed happy with that. The last part that got me was just before he walked away, he said "Thank you for protecting our kids. You guys do a great job." Finally....recognition.)
YOUTUBE: Yes, I am still recording YouTube videos! I am HORRIBLY behind on posting them, unfortunately, but life's been a bit hectic atm.
FACEBOOK: I now have TWO pages up on facebook for my Youtube channel so you can stay up to date. One page is specifically for my channel videos, while the other is dedicated to my craft hobby (which just started so its very very slow) where I am selling crafts that 100% go towards my top surgery.
(Facebook.com/dubstepheartbeatYoutube & Facebook.com/dubstepheartbeatCreations)
Oi vey....where to start....So I still havent had my surgery, obviously since I have my creations page to pay for said surgery....I have been fighting continuously with Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield on getting them to pay for my surgery, even if just a portion. They refuse. The reason is this: My LEGAL gender is MALE. My Birth certificate says FEMALE. I cannot change that without GRS which I will not do. Anyway...My ID says Male on it. So when they filed for my surgery, they initially filed it under FEMALE BREAST REDUCTION. Well, since my ID says Male on it, they cannot do that. Because I am legally male. So it would go under Gynocomastia, which I do not have. Which..frankly doesnt matter because they dont cover it anyway.
I've spent a minimum of 4 hours on the phone every time I call, explaining over and over and OVER again that I am Transgender, I am legally male but physically female, and that this is a breast reduction not because I'm transgender but because of spinal damage, pain, interferance with work, and a damaged trapezius muscle. All of which has been noted by my doctor FOUR TIMES, including all the necessary paperwork (and more...) sent to them REPEATEDLY. They either claim that A: they never got the paperwork, B:It lacked a piece of info they wanted, C: They have it and are reviewing it OR......D: They cant find my account at all. I spent TWO HOURS on hold just for them to tell me that the line I HAD BEEN TRANSFERRED TO...doesnt handle what I'm looking for so they transferred me BACK to the people I ORIGINALLY WERE TALKING TO. Absolute, complete, utter flipping NIGHTMARE!!!
With my anxiety & Depression issues, it came to the point where I would completely avoid calling them because it would completely destroy me for days afterwards. I've had people offer to help with with the call or figure things out, but either they offered once and never followed through or they simply werent understanding that everything they wanted to try...I've already done it. No one....GOT what I was trying to say. It started to feel like no one cared anymore either.
I called GLADD FIVE TIMES. I only ever got ONE response, which was "we'll call you as soon as we have more info for you.". That was months ago....nothing.
I called the State of New Hampshire's Offices for Insurance to figure out what to do. "We'll call you back." They never did. Not only did they not return my calls, but every time I called them back and demanded to talk to someone, they'd just keep saying "Ma'am, someone will call you." Misgendered AND ignored. Thanks for that.
I called SIX...ADVOCATES...FOR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE IN MY STATE. Again, either they didnt know how to help, didnt call me back, or simply said "keep trying". For someone with severe Anxiety, the phrase "just keep trying" is like saying "Haha, well that sucks."
I cant keep trying. It causes me such dysphoria, severe depression, anxiety and physical illness that I have to call out of work, take days to recooperate and fight of the HORRIBLE sensation of the NEEEEEEEEEED to self harm. I'd been able to stay sober of it thus far, except for one episode involving a fight with my homophobic, trump loving, transphobic, Democratic-hating sister&mother-in-laws...(Long story short, I had just worked 14 hours, was tired and exhausted; and was accused of abusing her animals. Not by the mother, but by the sister-in-law. Who is basically the princess of the castle. I lost it.) So the insurance company locked me out of my online account conveniently a week before my due date to switch insurances, so I couldnt even access my account to change insurance companies before the due date ran out and....low and behold...I was renewed with Anthem BCBS for another year. I dont have enough swear words and foul language names to throw at them to express how I feel...
I also, by the way, emailed Anthem personally either through Twitter's Anthem Help page or their main help page, which ran in circles up to the point of them calling and leaving a message ON THE ONE PHONE I SPECIFICALLY ASKED THEM NOT TO CALL BECAUSE I WONT GET THE DAMN MESSAGE, then when I called them back, I got nothing. Just an answering machine. FOR THREE WEEKS.
When I mentioned this to them, they shrugged it off. Yeah.....F You too.
(BEFORE YOU OFFER TO HELP ME WITH THE INSURANCE THING:::::::No, I do not need the help right now. Thank you for thinking of me anyway. But with my job title changing, I'm getting new insurance and there is absolutely no reason I can think of to try and pursue Anthem BCBS's jerkoffs when I'm leaving them really soon. Thanks anyway.)
So, anyway....thats life right now. As you can see, not much has changed. New promotion and same insurance b.s.
Oh, and apparently I have dissociation with my chest. Which doesnt surprise me. I found out because I was in the shower, washing like I usually do with my eyes squeezed shut and my heart breaking at the sensation of having to wash those stupid boulders on my REAL chest underneath, and....what's this? I look down and I apparently had a pimple or something that had developed on the underside of my left breast, but had gone unattended to for god-knows-how-long, so it festered and became raw and infected. Did I notice? No....I didnt even feel it. I've always had next to no feeling or sensation in my chest since I was cursed with them, but I didnt think much of it. This made me really realize...I have no feeling in them whatsoever. So I experimented. I ran my hands along the sides, fronts, top and bottom....but nothing. If it werent for feeling it through my fingertips, I wouldnt feel it at all. Absolutely nothing. It's like...I feel the pressure of my hands but that's it. Not a tickle or a whisp of sensation. I have completely, entirely, absolutely dissociated with my chest so much that I no longer feel it. It's no longer 'mine'. Its just...there. That's what kills me even more.
Theyre there, theyre attached to me...but if I dont even have feeling in them, they feel even more alien to me. I'm not supposed to even have them and this just proves it even more. It didnt hit me as hard as it did at the doctors when I casually mentioned it and she was confused. Apparently ciswomen are SUPPOSED to have feeling in them. Like...everywhere.
It's weird. It's like a feeling of abandonment. That I've hated them so much and for so long that theyve finally given up and just died, but I still gotta carry the corpses around. Now, more than ever, I just want them gone...It's almost too much to stomach. I choke up thinking about it. I feel like a part of me has just died, staring me in the face and flipping me the bird before being just completely gone. But instead of leaving, it lingers in the doorway and stares me down, laughing at me and mocking me because they wont go away.
It sound stupid but I feel like theyre taunting me. Like "We know you dont want us, so we're gonna take away any sensation of being here, except you'll still have to carry our dead weight. You cant get rid of us, you will still have a huge lump in your shirt and we will NEVER allow you to touch your real chest underneath. You hate us, and we hate you. So live with it."
I even opted out of my nipple grafts so that the surgery would be cheaper. Not just for a cheaper price, but because I've always had issues with those parts anyway so there's no point in hoping they'll heal and stay where they put them when a huge part of me knows they wont. They dont heal well, never have. I get pockets in them where sweat and crap lingers and I have to clean the areas like pimples. I dont want them anymore. I dont want anything to do with any of them.
But I still have to bind them.
I still have to readjust them in my binder.
I still have to wash them.
I still have to toss and turn to find a comfortable position between suffocation, smothering, pinches or unending sweat.
I still have to put lotion on the extremely dry and chapped skin from binding.
I still have to carry them around on my aching shoulders.
I still have to nearly suffocate with them just to tie my shoes.
I still have to feel them jerk and yank on my sore back when I try to use a treadmill.
I still have to make sure there's no sores because they dont bother to tell me when something hurts anymore.
I still have to try and save up 8000$ to get rid of them because insurance doesnt give a flip.
I still have them.
And they taunt me.
My relentless bully...is my own body.
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Today is St. Distaff's Day. Compitalia, celebrating the household Gods. Today we honor Frigg and her followers, the "Freefolk". "Partly work, and partly play Ye must on Saint Distaff's Dayu" the old adage goes. It is also time for me to "shield in place". I need to take a break from the constant ups and downs regarding "my" dysphoria. My affliction. Tired of facing inward and trying to fix something that in the scope of my life? A lot less of an "issue" than it needs to be, considering. What? Well, let's throw out some things shall we? I have recieved some excellent "counseling" from someone who says my dysphoria is NOT my biggest concern. OK. Good to know. My counselor is a pretty decent person. Specializies in helping people who's professional lives expose them to some very traumatic stuff. I was amazed at how good this person was at getting me to talk. Good to find someone I can be comfortable with. A person that is familiar with the "problems" people who work in compartmented "projects" all they're lives can develop. I thought I was lossing it to Paranoid schizophrenia! The counselor just laughed at me and said "No, that's called self preservation. Johnathan Pollard actually existed. That actually happened. Your pretty much screwed for the rest of your life, just stay frosty and relax". Showed me this picture and said if you can balance these? Your mental health issues will be skosh. When I broached "dysphoria"? Push me over with a feather, the counselor replied "You'd be astounded to know just how many people I deal with could use a little clarity on THAT subject". Love them Doc's that don't beat around the bush!
How is your 2017 going to go? I have a good idea of how mine is going to go. Lots and lots of time in medical facilities. Lots of appointments. Lots of testing. I am VERY HAPPY about that. This flurry of medical activity surrounds my Soulmate and not me. She is FINALLY going to get the medical assistance and screening that she deserves. She is. not me. I am working on my "blackouts" and my manic depression issues, but for now, I am good. I have a mea culpa. I have NOT been a good spouse for a while. My prediliction with my tripartite self. I have been selfish. So, there you go. "Ronnie" is a steady state for me. 50/50. MODLOC. I have a lot of "new" things to deal with. I can NEVER drive a car on public roads EVER again, unless it is the most dire of emergencies. I can't get on an airliner. I wouldn't be able to fly a plane. I'm not even supposed to operate power tools without supervision anymore! But that doesn't mean I have to stop living or caring about the awesome folks I've met here.
I was going to leave this site and then I thought, why? It can help me. Hopefully, I can be of help to someone else. I have 41 and in a less than a month, 42 Y E A R S invested in the person that I DO love most. Violet pretty much is my Universe and she deserves better from me. Sure, some will say that I may be "disengenious" with regard to the "community". That I am not being "true" to myself. Really? I exist in a different "plane" than most people. The person who is my betrothed is also a Petty Officer in the US NAVY, like I am. She saved my life. That's what she does. She can make a towering Marine break out in a sweat by snapping a rubber band, holding a syringe and saying "Need to draw some labs". The only things that can make the USMC hesitate? Godzilla and Hospital Corpsman. Oops, my bad. Hospital Corpsman THEN Godzilla. Got to preserve the natural order of things as the Creator has made them. Nope, for me? This fight isn't about a community. It's about my sanity and I am the ONLY one that can fight it and that means being in it to win it. I may never be "complete", but I promise, I will try NOT to be boring. But I'm not that salty so having a wingman? PRICELESS. I know she always has my back. BRAVO ZULU Doc!
So for this new blog, I chose "Scutum" because I need a shield right now. Something that will insulate me from the Demon I have just gotten to go back to sleep. Scutum is called "Sobieski's Shield" in some places in Europe. Jan III Sobieski was a bad ass. Your writings here and how you look at the World and what you are doing to cope and just the minutiae of our everyday existence can be the exact thing I need to stabilize when I start to get wiggy! 2 anchors are better than one. I have Violet and I have you all. I am blessed. Monsters from the id. They're real.