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I was thinking today as I was laying on a chair how much has changed. I am on vacation and was nervous about how Much I have changed physically and what my wife and kids might say. So I made a decision to just stop worrying about it and be as pleasant and confident as possible. I have not been hiding anything about my appearance and my mannerisms and I feel great so I let it show. My family has been really great and we have been enjoying each other. I have been wearing tight tops and tight jeans at night which shows my chest and butt. I haven’t been trying to make a statement I just feel better wearing them. My wife committed that I look good and she said I have a .....”something about you” is different but really nice. I was happy to hear that. I felt so confident that I have been pulling up my boy shorts to tan my butt and front with a feminine tan line. (I am still in boy mode). No one said anything or looked at me weird. I basically turned my boy shorts into a bikini bottom. The little one did ask why I was doing that and the older one said dads just try change his tan line. I said yes I am I should try to find a shorter bathing suit to make it easier and my wife said I can help you find something. She seemed to like the idea and that was so amazing. We went for a walk this morning and she wanted me to show her the spa and gym (I’ve been going every day for yoga) so with coffee in hand I showed her where everything was. Then we made a couples message and facial appointment together. We are basically going to have a girls day tomorrow. We are even getting our nails done together. I feel like such a girl and very loving. At the same time I feel like a strong dad which is kind of confusing really. At dinner tonight my little one was getting picked on (while we were waiting for our table) so I went and called out the drunk 18-19 year olds and straighten them out (there was about 20 of them but only one punk). I was in dad mode big time. Everything worked out fine but it got me thinking. What am I ? Girl .... boy..... both.....I guess I’m just me and I like both parts. I know it will take a long time to figure all this out but what an amazing experience. Strangers have definitely been checking me out but I can’t read the looks anymore so I just go with the flow and take it as a compliment. I was worried about this trip but reality it has proven me wrong. Again. I never know what is going to happen in a day.
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The "Pink Fog" (aka, Gender Euphoria) is something many of us experience as we come into our transgender selves. It feels great, similar to the infatuation of a new love interest. For me I've wondered at times if I'm chasing it which brings up worries that I'm following something akin to the path of an addict instead of my true nature.
This came up for me yesterday morning when I read a story in a friend's blog of a 20-something AMAB person who got so caught up in his being a somewhat effeminate gay man that, with encouragement and advice, he transitioned socially. After some period of living as a woman (a year?) he decided to detransition. Thankfully he'd not embarked on only permanent changes. He now lives comfortably as a somewhat effeminate gay man.
Later in the morning I was working on my house, finishing doors, installing shelving, that sort of thing, wearing of course my old Levi's 501's (no point in staining my skinny jeans!) and a sweatshirt, my hair in a ponytail. My gender was nowhere on my mind but I contemplated that story. I was comfortable doing my work. Dara Hoffman-Fox has made the point (which I agree with) that just because we like "masculine" activities such as motorcyling, woodworking, etc., that's perfectly okay for women. I reassured myself while doing the work.
In the early afternoon I changed my clothes to go out for some errands, including a run to the lumber store. I dressed in my skinny jeans, a form-fitting REI top, earrings, and a little lipstick. I felt good about myself as I drove to the stores. In Trader Joe's I ran into a woman checker that I've gotten to know a little in one of the aisles. She'd just gotten off work. We talked for ten minutes, she's lesbian and about to be married, I'm trans, we share worries about Trump/Pence/Pompeo/Sessions, that sort of thing. She accepts me, we connected and reminded each of other of our names. At the lumber store a man who often helps me assisted me in selecting moldings and as he was ringing me up a woman checker (who happens to be lesbian) I've also worked with there came over to join our chat. I showed them a photo of closet doors I've built out of spruce.
Still later I made a spur of the moment decision to walk to a local restaurant for one of my favorite things: reading my book while enjoying a hot chocolate with brandy. The manager's a woman I've gotten to know a little who's very friendly and appreciates the small amount of business I bring to them.
Every day is my "transgender day of visibility." I don't think I look bad, and sure I'd like to pass much better. I stopped wearing foundation several weeks ago. I wore it before almost like a badge to add clarity that I was presenting as a woman. I guess it worked but of late I don't think it's necessary and is a hassle to remove. Like a pretty dress I save it for special occasions. (I'm such a sucker for pretty dresses. I can't resist!)
At the end of the day it remained clear to me that transitioning to female was absolutely the right thing for me to do. I feel good in my own skin and I think I have a joy that encourages people to connect with me. I feel a thrill when I get gussied up and that's perfectly normal. I also feel good when just going out and about.
And that's the whole point, right?
Hello again. Today I’m feeling “a bit low.” It’s going on eight months since Sue died, and maybe all this aloneness is starting to catch up with me. Then there’s the “always something there to remind me” thing like in the song. I was at a Chamber event the other evening at Westside Hospital with which we were both all too familiar, and who should I happen to run into—her oncologist. Just last week, I was prospecting in a part of town that I don’t visit, but it was where Sue had her first PET scan—seven years ago. We had our difficulties, but after 33 years, there are all the little things I miss. So, I guess I must keep soldiering on. I watched a Star Talk episode last night in which Neil De Grasse Tyson interviewed Stephen Hawking. His final remark was like Churchill: Never Give Up. Sometimes I do, but I’ll think about it tomorrow. That’s it for now.
As I continue going through my therapy sessions it’s all becoming clear to me. I know what Iam and what I want to do next. My emotions are all cleard up. Now I think it’s time to come up with plan for what’s next which Iam happy about. The truth is Iam a women on the inside and now I want to be a women on the outside.
you no longer get diagnose with GID. its gender dysphoria. I am constantly have to live 2 identities. One is who i am. The other is who i have to be for everone to be comfortable, for my safety, and for my benefit. this is reason for me to go out as a man and no other. and for me this is the hardest part about my transition. its not the hormones its not dressing like a girl or anthing else. just the fact that i alway been a loner and now i have to try do it as a female. girls whove been sexually assaulted and raped will sometime dress like men for their protection and it have nothing do with passing, its fact that guys dont want to mess w someone who is girl that mirror themself.
the biggest set back in all this is when others dont even try to respect your decision and will try to flip the table for this to be a mental disorder or anthing but the obvious. not all cases of transgender patients have to do with mental illness. Sometimes the mental illness have to do with trying to live two identities in one body. its overwhelming difficult to keep up with. i lose the energy a lot. im depressed cus i cant be who i am. my mind constantly have to use my gender as a mode with a switch instead of natural congruency.
one of the biggest limiting factos for all my projblems have been money. coming from poor areas of life, i learned to hide who i am and just work the job. i did this for money and to be able to work. when i find myself focus on this issues of my life, yes it is one of most difficult thing to come to term with. i wish i had that option when i was 18 even. i never felt worthy of a good job. i will alway just do what they tell me to do. when your livelihood is this, thats what u do. i just couldnt do it anmore. my mind was starting to crack. it became real hard to maintain both, with one being an illusion an actor a facade and the real self just corralled this small genie bottle in my head.
becaus of my limited skills and experience for doing anthing and lack of money, i just get tossed down w everone else who doesnt have this things. im a quiet person. i hate attention most times but i no im looking for something more. i dont want to feel like my best option is to do online adult entertainment, porn, or sex work. and this seem to be what i think a lot of transgirls do when theyre poor. they want the surgey and they going to do whatever it takes to get it.
what im saying w all this, is my strength was in the wrong identity if its a lie, and im forced to try work w be trangender my job market descrease in size. since im not at 100% comfort and feeling secure as woman im still deal with even more stress and this things other people need to unerstand becaus this have been this biggest obstacle. this is what causes all this weird behavior to manifest all the time. and this is why im constant depressed. the world is not going to stop to rotate and say this person needs help. it keeps on spinning and i continue to live as a dependent for someone else who thinks i dont real need money becaus i will just waste it or leave them. so it s ok for them to succeed but nothing change for me. i cant really be taken serious because i constant feel like if i get to liberal im going to be homeless again.
ive done this bouncing around for so long, couch surfed for so long, and now im in my 40s. i dont have kids. i dont have skills for using in a job. i have a degree thats outdated becaus i took my dads advice and when he said "be a trucker" i did it. i dont no why but i keep attracting this dominant women who want to push me around and argue w me when all i real want at this point is my own space and the ability to say no and not compromise ever f----ing time. i been called all the names they dont bother me. but u no sometimes i wonder what its like to live w out these shackles on to do what i want w out being monitored 24/7, w being left just enough resources for survival and thats it. i keep thinking thing will change if i just keep waiting and do more of what im told but it just make me angrier. becaus i no the minute the situation was changed and if i had the financial resources, i woulnt stay in here. id do it alone. im not talking about hand me down or pity money. im talking about job opportunity, not a porn actress. someting i can do.
live as a woman as your gender. lol. i done home maker for long time. but funny that doesnt get counted. only the fashion show and runway model get the attention and only a skirt count as being passable. when your someone's moon in life and even if its not romantic, you rely on them for everthing. its a constant battle for existence. at times im at such low points. any progress i make cant just be like tide coming in and out. i get emotional about this. i cry. i think back on all the mistakes i made i try to imagine if i transitioned 20 years ago. i live in this place. its all i have. its only thing that keeps me going sometime. but i guess the big thing is, when someone say they dont believe im trangender or im not going pass and that someone is the earth i depend on to survive, yea its hard to take.
i ekep try to be who i am cus im the moon. my rules are different. who im am where i sit make sense but for everone else im an airhead. im not saying im stupid, just that i live in my dream so much reality takese second seat for my coping w this expeience. thank for reading this.
So after 4 months of taking over the counter estrogen and other dietary supplements I've made my appointment take my blood test now I'm waiting for results to go back to start HRT full-time although I practically been on my own HRT for the past 4 months which end result have been positive such as breast budding and softer skin and overall good health and sore and sensitive nipples that
Are all ways hard .😀
One of the things that Ive had to face as a FTM is that apparently, if your not super manly or just masculine and into masculine things, that it makes you less of a transman or an attention-seeker. Me being the not so masculine trans guy, this just sucks. Even within our own trans community there are still people who try to invalidate other trans people, just so they themselves can feel more valid. Well truth is, that whether or not you wear makeup, wear dresses, and just all round appear more feminine, it doesn't have anything to do with your gender! Express yourself in anyway that makes you guys comfortable. Not every guy has to have facial hair and not every guy needs a super low voice either. I would know I had a cis friend who's voice LITERALLY made him sound like a girl. So you do you my fluffy people. I personally have been looked down upon just because I identify as male and use makeup, like what does that have to do with my gender??? I have no clue why people do this, it's like a race to see who's more valid than the next guy? Why can't we just accept that we are all valid and different in our own special way? That's just how the world works. Im sorry if my thoughts seem a bit incoherent, I'm not a very good writer. I just wanted to write some feelings and experiences down every once in a while.
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Yesterday while standing outside on break at work I hear someone say “hey you”, turned, looked around and here is a trans person whom I’ve known but have not seen in ages standing there. I said hi, she comes over and we hug. She is around 30 years old and when she (from what I remember) doing well (on her meds) very passable other than her voice. Well I could tell she was not well shaven facial wise and was very loud when chatting with her.
There was a couple about 50 feet away that could not take their eyes off her and know full well that it was from her appearance, partly female, partly male. It was not one or two glances over in our direction but many over say (I was not keeping time) ten minutes. I felt like saying something but decided not too as it could very well have gone in a direction that I did not care for and was on break at work while if not at work would had said something.
The take-a-way from this is if you are looking to present as one gender than make an effort while if your are fluid it doesn’t matter yet this person is looking to be totally female and have surgery. Also, people say in general they are accepting of trans but we all know there are some who are not and need to be cognitive to this as some do mean us harm.
From the day I first presented myself (after surgery) as female clothing, mannerism and voice needed to be there and made sure it was. This is not to say it’s wrong to go against the grain but if so be prepared for blowback be it people staring, saying nasty things or physical, be aware is the bottom line
Is there a link between autism and being trans?
Yes, there is.....we are in the scary part of the process where there is lots of denial and misinformation around the issues. A lot of research has been going on in Cambridge University UK by Professor Simon Baron-Cohen. Its quite a common comorbidity yet those individuals who deal with both issues are undiagnosed a lot of the time because transgender is identified first. Dealing with trans issues covers up the autism traits, and of course, the gatekeepers are only focusing on one problem.
A lot of autism in adults is misdiagnosed with differing mental illnesses BPD, a common misdiagnosis in girls. Autism can cause no end of mental illness yet in itself is simply a developmental disorder. A lot of transgender M2F's appear to be highly computer literate, have a narrow range of interests and can be obsessed with exactly the kind of interests that are normally found in autism. I speak from experience, autism has been in my family for generations, nothing to do vaccines, and it can be traced back to my father, although I suspect it was one of his parents who had the gene pool, my aunties (his sisters) were much like him and so were their children, my cousins. F2M's are often diagnosed with both and it was the 'Extreme Male Brain' theory that showed how the F2M's could indeed be affected.
I was diagnosed with autism....in that I am talking about Aspergers Syndrome only in 2010, but that was because one of my children was on the spectrum and it was noticed that I was indeed the gene carrier. So I wanted to find out if some of the difficulties I had were all down to being trans or something else (that I knew anyway) and sure enough I am firmly on the spectrum. It is life changing and empowering to discover what has been really going on, and brought so much enlightenment to why my life had been this way, and provided answers to the decisions I make.
Vaccines as the cause is still unproven, families with autistic children who have a long established history of autism in their gene pool will tell you that IF vaccines are involved, there is a big difference in the effects. Gene pool autism is far more systemic and its affects are wide spread throughout the daily life of the individual. The claims about vaccine induced autism appears to be more narrowly based on learning difficulties but less on the behaviour and other traits.
Like all people who are in the LGBT community, we appear to have a radar for finding each other, no matter how stealth we believe we can be. Autism is the same, I can spot someone who could be on the spectrum easily, sometimes by just the way they dress themselves, fashion isn't important, comfort is. My sister has a total aversion to wearing traditional female clothes and only 'dresses up' when the need arises. Yet she is no doubt completely comfortable with her gender and has four children and has been married to the same man for over 50 years. She is atypically autistic, and three of her children too.
We are who we are though, regardless of whether we are one or both its how we deal with the issues. all I know is that having both have created a really interesting life, difficult to navigate through but I wouldn't change anything, its all part of who I am and who I can be proud of. What I have achieved, and the talents I have is down to being open and honest and facing these challenges head on. Be yourself, cause you sure can't be nobody else.
Every time I think I'm figuring out the changes in my body with age, most of which no one ever talked about in my family, something else goes weird. I'm not talking the "falling apart, unable to live" state like my mom, but the constant parade of guessing how food is going to affect me, sleeping patterns, how easily I injure/bruise myself, changes in the rhythms of my asthma making it harder to predict after I'd had it down to a science, acid reflux crazy, little things that add up to both a medicine cabinet full of things (antacids, gas pills, throat pain suckers since I dehydrate at a moment's whim of my body now, things like that, prescription medically our lifestyle changes are reducing that amount at least). But we really should come with individualized manuals, this trial and error nonsense sucks.
The manual should include actual nutrition too. Our culture has so obscured what healthy food is it's crazy. And most people trying to eat well are unintentially eating unhealthy in a variety of ways because packaging and manufactures are allowed to lie and obscure a lot from us. It's even worse in other countries, china has a crisis of a variety of fake food facing them. Our crisis is fillers and additives. One of the many things Trump defunded was an initiative to make manufacturers list how much sugar they ADD to the food. *headdesk*
And, on a note of pure curiousity and interest, I want a manual that tells me how the parts actually work. So I can look up any organ and see what it's doing, how it does it, interesting facts. I know I have the internet, but one all collated and at hand would be fun. I know, I have a weird sense of fun.
I'm off, I took a temp job to earn the money for movers, so we don't have to slog with a uhaul this move once house sells.
Love and Violence
Now like all modern work place, we have zero tolerance for violence but that does not seem to stop bi-polar boy from acting like a jerk. I call him that because he seems to be in need of medication for the shadows of his mind play tricks on him with his interaction to the world. It’s all conspiracies. The Earth is flat! We never went tote moon. Obama is an Alien lizard. You have seen the same sort of wacky ideas on the fringe web sites you read for giggles. He believes them, one and all. She calls him Joe-Blow, a reference to a BS artist who is always on the girls, trying to get their attention. I used to get jealous cause he was always hitting on her but now I know how she feels, so I feel better! At least she knows the score about him. He is like married. He live with the same women and her kids, he pays the bills and basically does what a man is supposed to do for his women, even if they are not married. However, he flirts with all the girls and he basically hits on them as if he was looking for a date. None of my business what he does except he tends to bother her. Mostly he pisses her off. She gets feisty and in his face to tell him off back. Remember she is tiny, and I mean small. 5 foot nothing, 100 lbs tiny. He is a bigger guy near 5'10" and weights a good 220 maybe 250. For some reason he keeps bothering her, even though he really does not like her. I hear him speak, or rather over heard him as he swears under his breath at her as he walks away. "What a Bitch." I heard him say once. So one day she was doing something and he was seated. He said something and she basically told him off. So in what I have come to call "Faux Violence," basically a fake threat because I am sure he would not have resorted to violence, his eyes tightened. His fist clenched. His face went red and he started to get up. Until he glance over my way. Just as he towers over her in weight and height, I am taller and weight more than he does. You could almost see how he mind was thinking, I was right there, so there would be no chance of any real violence and she would be even more in his face, thus doubling his humiliation and there was nothing he could do about it since there would be no way any funny stuff was going to happen with me around to... to ... raise objections to his faux violence or otherwise anyone who threatens her. Not sure she noticed any of this but I did. Made me smile. I may not be in her life, but I am still making it better just by standing around.
But that is the violence, where is the love?
One of the older Italians that we work with is always against her. She is senior to him, which is where I figured was the spark point but I was wrong. Boy was I ever wrong! So, he complains that she does not do her job; she is always wandering off etc. And he complains to anyone who will listen to him including the bosses. He is always complaining about her. Well one day, he had to go to the bathroom on work time. It happens to us all, we cover for each other. When he came back 20 minutes later, he put on his jacket because he was going out for a smoke. He was speaking to another Italian about how she is never working, never doing anything, always wondering around. Errr? The irony of his complaining about her not working was lost on him for some reason. Another time, he was on one side of the conveyor and we were on the other. There was a box on his side that needed to go to my side so I said give it to me. She was further down lost in space, staring into the hemisphere. So instead of giving it to me, he tosses right in front of her. It was a light box so it would not have hurt her even if he had aimed it at her. Which he certainly did not! It just landed right in front of her and gave her a fright. This is what he wanted to do, scare her. It happens sometimes when she is inside her own head that she is in the crowd but lost. To the point where they yell her name and she is like literally jumping up. Startled by her name being called, she gets embarrassed by her own inattentiveness rather than mad at being disturbed. He accuses any man who helps her of being in love. I move her heavy boxes so I must be in love with her. I must be her boyfriend. I know where she is all the time! I don't. I only know where she is most of the time... So Friday another Italian was helping her do her work, basically lifting the heavy boxes as I would normally do, except I was assigned elsewhere so I could not do both. And this guy starts in on the Italian. Only he does his comments in, of course, Italian. Since English and French would be a dead giveaway and half the group speak Italian so most would understand him. Having work with them for years I get some of what they say. In this case, he started in on the second guy, must be in love with her etc. The very same things he was accusing me of being only, literally, the day before. In my case, it would be true but this guy? Say what? What was in his head that would make him accuse us all of being in love with her until it clicked. Who gives a girl all his attention? All his focus? But someone in love with her. And click. He had a crush on her. He was like 25 years older then she is and married with kids and grandkids and all that but he had a crush on her. That was why he was always talking about her, always saying things about her. He wanted her away from him because he was in love with her.
One last story of someone else being in love with her; another guy, much younger, was always hanging around her, always trying to talk to her, but he was getting nowhere. Might be because he smoked, and she was dead set against smokers. Could be he was simply a jerk? I don't know but she shut him out. As we were working one day he was badgering her about how old she was. She was playing but she was not answering, I was working nearby and interjected that she was nineteen and holding. Nuff said. She smiled a very happy smile because he was not going to find out her age! She also got a compliment that she looked younger than she was! He, on the other hand, had a grimace, sort of pained silence that he was not going to find out how old she was today. I already knew, she told me a while ago. She is not 19. Another time, while we were working on a truck, he walked up to talk to her, certainly not to talk to me. And he was making snide comments about my being there. I looked at him and said "We're a team." As if that explained everything about why I was always around helping her and it did because we are a team. It did the trick well enough in his mind because he left soon after. But this guy is another follower of hers; a not so secret admirer, who she tolerates. Cause he can be annoying to me. One day as he was driving out he stops and yells at me. "Tell her I love her!" I waved and kept on working. Thinking; "Boy what a jerk," until I realised that he really does love her. In a superficial, childish manner that involved a man sized crush from a little boy sized personality.
In the end, I help her, moving her heavy boxes or just standing there to give the bully a second thought. I help her, she helps me, we are a team. We may not be going out but that does not mean we cannot be partners: even if that would be too strong a connection and too formal as well.
Still I journey on.
Thanks for reading!
Over 20,000 views of my site. This count is mind boggling. Maybe I can be a good influence to those I impact. Dawn
Added - this is all me - wearing a sports bra and a nice running outfit - Showing two early photos to now - Can anyone see why I might be first seen as a woman now?
This photo represents the best of how I feel and look today. I have changed quite a bit since I joined this site. Lost weight, longer hair, pierced ears, some breast growth, smooth small and shapely muscles, beard gone. I have reshaped and modified myself as much as I could with out going through extensive surgeries. Now much more feminine in body I am and much more aware of my being transgender. I love it when I look and feel like a woman. This is where I am and I think this is where I will remain. I expect I will take a few more steps toward physical and inward beauty. (Ask me) Thanks to all of you who have positively critiqued my photos,logs and blogs. I love and respect to all of you - Dawn
Let me start off with saying, I know that I haven't been active in a long time, and I might not get to say this...
Merry Christmas to all of you celebrating the festive season. May this bring you everything you thought it would and more.
I had an eventful few months and that is so going to get me disowned if I'm not already disowned... But that is another story for another day, when I probably need to vent.
I got engaged in the last few months and only my niece, also the one I call my child, and she agrees that I'm being disowned and flung out like last years fashion that will never become a craze again. So yes, engaged and I do love him, flaws and all.
Then, I started working on shifts again, and my time is so occupied with work and love life that I barely have time to think about what to tell you.
Ooooh, did I mention that my one doctor finally gave me the letter that is required to change my gender marker on my ID, and that only took something like 4 years to get. And now the other doctors that said they would assist me are the problems in doing what I need to do. How can this be so difficult to get the letter required for the change. I also said that I will only marry once these changes have been executed on my ID. But I also might subconsciously want to wait a while for making certain that I made the right choice in giving my heart to someone.
So yes, my medical check ups for script renewal has changed to once a year, but I need my script rewritten every 6 months.
I tore some ligaments in my right hand and could use it properly for 9 weeks, okay it's 12 weeks already, and it is still painful to do some moves, and to fight properly with my hand. Okay, it happened because I was in a fight with a guy who's face was harder then the back of a pickup or brick wall. Okay, it was also justifiable that I knocked the guys teeth out, after all he was beating a teenage girl with a golf club and he was a grown ass man.
What else did I not mention that I think you should know about???
Really can't think now, but my operation was a success, seeing that I got through the complications that I faced for a time frame afterwards. Developed blood clots that just didn't want to go away, and bled like a leaking bottle for a bit more then 6 weeks, and it freaked me out the few times I woke up covered in blood, and that my precautions didn't even help me.
Did I mention that my hair is now slightly over shoulder length. I settled down to around 135-140Lbs no longer 145Lbs. Doesn't help my breast development, but I also thought of having a discussion with the endocrinologist on the possibility to change me to another estrogen form, cause I can't figure out what is making me nauseous. Might be the medication, or something else, like stressing. Yes, you would also be stressing if you knew the man that you love is kinda, sort of, disliked by your family, because I can't figure out how to convince them that he is right for me.
Having my legs licked and probably telling me to stop having a discussion with myself, I will be doing the following.
Merry Christmas my sweets, stay as kind as you are. I've not forgotten you, so have constantly thought of what to tell you, but when I had the words, I definitely didn't have the time to write anything.
Keep safe please, as I don't want to hear of another death of someone I knew. Okay, two so called family members, wait was three if recall properly. Father's brother (no he wrote each other off one Xmas, after he decided to attack me for being trans, so not family), cousins husband (didn't know him, and I think I stopped at the accident without knowing about it, and was working), aunt's brother (she married in so does that make him family), and the same aunt's boyfriend (yes she turn 70 this week, in the last 2 months we had to deal with him that got a stroke, and I was the last person around him as his last 2nd and last stroke took his life. He was so looking forward to her birthday and Christmas, but just made it to December).
So be safe and enjoy the festive season. I will be watching over those of you close to me.
Kind loving hearts blossom
Friends, family and loves
We gather in a time of giving
Not the giving of presents
But the giving of hearts
We are all here
Not just waiting, but
Fighting for what we were taught
The teachings of what is right and wrong
And I guess, that we have finally started believing
Believing in our dreams and what our hearts are telling us
So go forth and be who you were meant to be.
So, I've been here at my Mum's house long enough now that the time came to get my vehicle's license plate replaced. I've got a new plate and now I blend in with the locals. I've also been here long enough that my old driver's license was about to expire and I had to prepare for a new one. Being that I was going to end up getting a license in a new state, I figured I'd go online and see what all would be required... what paperwork/documentation, or whatever, to prove I'm a legal citizen of the good ol' U.S of A. While doing my homework, I discovered that I could actually start the process for getting a license - online. Okay...that was cool.
For getting a license for the first time in this state, you have to fill out an application and then go thru the list of required documentation and pick out the ones you are able to provide, or must find a way to obtain. While filling out the application, the Devil crawled up on one shoulder, and David Michael crawled up on the other shoulder. Being that most humans have only two shoulders, naturally, there was no place for that little Angel that likes to be across from the Devil to counteract any of his shenanigans... LOL. The Devil and I were gonna get along juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine.
Anywho... I came upon two boxes - one for male and one for female. There have been many a story about people who's driver's license had the wrong sex marker on them. And of course, anyone can make a mistake... so, I accidentally on purpose hit the box for male, 'cause, well, the idea of having to check female yet again, was distressful. It's becoming more so, more and more. I figured the hell with it - if anyone asks, I'll simply tell them I was in a hurry at the time, only half paying attention, an' obviously hit the wrong box. <shrugs>
The days were dwindling. I had only about seven days left on the current license. Reluctantly, I hauled my sorry butt to the DMV to get a new driver's license. Armed with BC, marriage license, application number and current DL, I stood in line waiting for the next available agent. Finally, a free agent. I walked over and sat down, layed all my stuff on the counter, said "hello," and gave the lady my application number. She pulled up my application and went to work.
Now... this woman had three documents in front of her that clearly stated my birth sex. I assumed she either didn't see the "M" on my application since she didn't question me, or she just took it upon herself to make the "correction." I sat quietly while she got everything filled out and entered into the system. She pulled a sheet of paper from her printer and advised me it was a temporary license and that I should keep it on me until I get the permanent one. I forked over my money, she collected everything I had given her, the temporary license, and handed it all to me saying that my permanent license would arrive in the mail within 15 days. I thanked her, we wished each other a good day, and I left.
A couple days later, I pulled my wallet out to get that temporary license - I had folded it up before I had even left the DMV parking lot, not wanting to see the information on it. But then, I had to see what sex was on it - if it was on there at all since it was, after all, only a temporary license. I slowly unfolded the paper, and then tried to hone in on where I thought the sex marker might be.
MY GOD, SHE DIDN'T SEE IT! And yeah - - it looked THAT glorious! I thought my heart was gonna pound it's way straight thru my sternum. I allowed myself a minute or two of sheer, unadulterated, child-like giddy excitement, then stifled it, and came back down to reality, believing there could be the possibility that between then and whenever the permanent license was created, someone might spot and "correct" that "M." I re-folded the temporary license and put it back in my wallet.
Just a few days later, the permanent license arrived in the mail. I slowly opened it, bracing for the worst. I fully expected to find a "corrected" license and a letter to announce/explain such. Instead, an "M" nearly jumped off the card at me. I was very happy. Right or wrong, correct or incorrect, I was happy. I didn't even care that the name and the sex marker contradicted each other. I sat at the desk for a moment just looking at the license. And then I spotted it. That twit had entered my entire name... not just full first name, but full first name AND middle name - SPELLED OUT. If there's anything I hate worse than my first [given] name, it's my middle [given] name. And the bad part is... the application indicated that entry of a middle name or initial was optional, and all that was on the old license was an initial. I surely wasn't expecting that!
Karma. Freakin'. SUCKS!
i remember when i first realized that i wasn't like my brothers, that i was like my sisters. it seemed like a delicious secret but .it didn't take too long for that delcious secret to become a nightmare. By age 5 i prayed that God would make me a girl (i still do). From age 8 until i was18 i dressed in my sister's clothes daily. It always felt soo right to be wearing girl clothes and always i felt calm, the only time in my days when i did feel calm. Until was 11 i thought that i was the only one like me. At age 11 I read about Jan Morris and for the first time i thought that maybe i wasn't alone.
When i turned 18 the impossibility of being me was overwhelming, everyday all day i would see other girls and ladies and feel the pain of not being able to be openly like them. i became angry at being trans and even hating me being me. In the next years i ran from me fell in love, got married had 4 children earned 2 degrees all the while hating the best part of me and always when i would pause i would feel the same pain of not being me only every day every year the pain grew worse, it still does.
For those of you who are young and hesitating to transition please do whatever it takes to transition. You can run from being trans but it won'ty go away. YOU CAN"T RUN FROM THE BEST PART OF YOURSELF no matter how hard you run or how faryou run. Please don't be cowardly like me and find yourself at 59 years of age hurting soo badly because you need to be the woman you were born to be. May we all love the person we are and be willing to do what it takes to be true to ourselves everyday of our lives. i fear that for me it probably is too late but there are some wonderful things that have happened to me. My maternal instinct makes me an outstanding special educator and i now have grown to love the girl i am.
To any who might be reading this, please know that you and i are friends whom i haven't met yet. i will love you forever.
So I wanted to throw this out for discussion - I've been thinking recently about the term "transition" as it relates to the trans community. For starters, I hope nothing that I say here will suggest that I think everyone needs to use the same terminology, particularly for their own experience and journey - it's our story, it's our terminology!
But in a broader perspective, I have some concerns about the term "transition." Transition is defined as "the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another." Put simply, my fear of it's general use, with respect to trans-identified people, is that it perpetuates the narrative of being born X and "transitioning" to Y. In my view, I was NOT a man who transitioned to a woman, I was born a woman with some wrong parts. My "transition" therefore was essentially a medical correction along with a change in my personal presentation.
And of course that does reflect a transition, so the word works. The problem is that there is an entrenched history of believing that we were born one gender and changed to the other - and I think that the term transition is linked to that narrative. Perhaps it's time to look for a new word, or stop using the word entirely? I think back over my process and wonder if I could have gone without it - in what circumstances did I need the word? For people who knew, I could say that yes, I'm getting some medical support to correct some things, and I'm working towards living my authentic self.
The "trigger" in this case was discovering that my field placement location uses the initials "CGHT" (cross-gender hormone therapy) for HRT that is being prescribed to trans-identified clients. I'm working on that issue, but I realized the big problem I had with it is that it reaffirms that same narrative with staff who see and use that terminology - I DO NOT take "cross-gender" hormones.
I am by no means sold on all of this, it's a thought I've been having and wanted to share and see what others in the community think
Hello and greetings,
Today L and I took a leap into the tranns world. We went and picked out a new hair piece together. 220 bucks worth and boy oh boy I tell ya. We got a baby sitter for the afternoon and went and had our nails done. then we went out to dinner in Downtown and at a fancy place also. I felt natural as I ordered dinner and played with my boys and smiled and almost cried a couple times at the total peace I am starting to feel in my skin.
I got home to find my gaff had arrived and I ran into the bedroom shed my attire and put it on. I then put on some skinny jeans and a shirt and told L to look at me. never had I felt more alive than when she touched my nether region and there was nothing there. I felt like a natural woman. It has taken me many years and tears to feel that way and when the love of my life reached down and touched me and kissed me I knew we would spend the rest of our ives together. I am still working on mannerism stance and stuff but i have 41 years on man crapolla to rid myself of. Well night all lets see what tomorrow holds
Two of my girlfriends and I went out to go dancing and let our hair fly on Saturday night. It was great, we arrived to the club and were welcomed with open arms. Guys were buying us drinks and we danced our asses off.
When it was time to leave we had a 6 block hike in our 6 inch heels to the parking lot, but some young kids decided to harass us while walking to our safe zone.
One of my girlfriends, who will remain nameless, was assaulted one time by a man who continuously called her a freak while she was walking alone to her car after work a few years back.
Because of that terrible attack we walk in numbers — ALWAYS. When being harassed by these punks I took a photo of their license plate causing them to stop in the middle of the road threatening to run me over with the car.
Here's where the story elevates; as they made the threat two deputies were coming out of a diner and heard the words spewing from the mouths of these thugs. It only took them seconds to react and the trio were taken into custody.
The deputies said it didn't matter that we were CD/TG, we were people who needed help and that's what they do.
I love the Emerald City.
The moral of the story is simple: Walk in numbers and don't be afraid to ask for help.
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So, you see after Forever I am adding a new blob giggles.
Yeah a big pile of blob, why eh I suppose because here is a place just to dribble out some thoughts without disturbing the flow of a thread, or a means to vent without disturbing the flow of the forum.
I know that not everyone appreciates my opinions or views on life, wether or not if it has anything to do with transition or not, not everyone will, I respect that, I do.
That being said, some times you just want to reach thru the screen and grab the other person and give em a bit of a shaking lol.
Ahhhh you twat giggle
Smile everyday even when some self absorbed thumb sucking twat struggles through life and wishes to drag you along for the shitty ride. Oops PG nah you know better coming here, yup you do don't you, that's why you read my posts because in the end of it all I will never lie to you why should I I don't expect you to lie to me, if you think I am a blow hard big mouthed deisel dyke who prattles on tell me that because I will tell you your a twat. Smiles and laughs.
Thanks Mom and Aunts for my understanding no one wants needs or deserves to be Molly coddled.
You know it's been a hell of a trip but in general transition is fine, yeah I wish I had done a few things differently but for the most part, it's exactly what I knew it would be, life in a different pair of pants.
Just go live your lives free from the delusion transition will change everything, because it won't, you will change what you see needs to be changed, you will feel it's over when you feel it, no one can control you unless you allow them to. Grow up be an adult and live the last bit of this life you have to it's fullest.
And yeah life can beat the hell out of you just drag your butt up and say is that the best you can do well here you go I can take it.
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I had a wonderful week this week. Last week I told you of a horrible incident that happend when somebody was rude and upset me about being Transgender and a park in the UK last week. Well I have some good news after speaking to the park they were wonderful and invited me back to made my dream of being Slimed come true. (I had always wanted to be on on a messy childfens game show growing up but was bullied at school and was told I was to ugly to be on TV. )I went back yesterday and despite and long train journey it was worth it. Everybody was so kind and understanding. So a huge thank you to Blackpool Pleasure Beach, Nickelodeon Land and Team Nick, and Nickelodeon uk. I may still be ugly but at least my dream came true
But as you can see I made a bit of a mess of slime box. Sorry Team Nick. I have also included the video of me being slimed I am on the left in the yellow t-shirt.
Day one of this new medication is going terribly so far. I feel so tired and groggy even though I slept 16 hours! I took the medication around 7:30, went to sleep at 8:30, and woke up around noon. This reminds me of my last medication which made me half asleep all day. This one is making me half asleep as well but it's more like 3/4 asleep considering I could sleep anytime, anywhere where as my last medication I could stay awake for about 3 hours after taking it. I also am having quite vivid dreams which wasn't very fun since I have a history of nightmares and night terrors.
I read up on it and apparently this drowsiness should dissipate after about 2 weeks. I don't know if I can wait that long but I will. I don't want to stop it and have to see the psychiatrist again so soon and have her thinking I just want attention like she did yesterday. I'll probably lag on the blog for the next couple of days since this drowsiness is taking over me.
So, I think one of my earliest identity issues was that I didn’t know I was transgender, and having had no real role models to look to, or internet to search, I made that big mistake of confusing sexuality with gender.
I had always known I was different and I put a lot of these feelings down to being sexually abused by a man when I was younger.
I made the mistake of feeling feminine rather than masculine and blamed that on my confusion around what had happened in my younger years. So, like others I tried whatever I could to repress those feelings, I abused my body by self-harming; something I began shortly after the abuse.
I would burn, scold, cut and break as much of my body as possible, culminating in quite a broken body, both mentally and physically. Obviously, this couldn’t go on.
Around 10 years ago I entered in to professional help, and spent much of the next two years learning to deal and come to terms with much of this emotional baggage. It was during this time that I began to dig deeper in to these ‘feelings’ and to explore what it actually all meant.
Knowing now what I didn’t know until then was a massive sea change in my life and once I had learned to take control of what this meant, life has become a little easier.
One of my major ‘revelations’ was that gender does not equal sexuality and this has helped me to move beyond my repressive behaviour and to live a little more at peace with who I am.
Obviously like many ‘different’ social groups, collectively we are seen in a sexual nature. With the boundaries between a Crossdresser, Transvestite and Transgender being viewed as one in the same, when in fact, we are very different in nature and purpose. I think this is also why so many transition later in life, because we have yet to understand where we fit within the gender spectrum ourselves.
Tests like the Cogiati are good in terms of helping those who are not transgender determine what it is about wanting to dress like a woman and what it means in particular to them. But for those who are transgender, it does nothing but confirm our beliefs. The Cogiati is, I guess similar to the multitude of quizzes you find in certain womens magazines or online. But for those of us who have known all along, it does nothing valuable, it’s not a diagnosis, or likely to influence us to who we are. In fact I have spoken to a number of post-operative Trans who, when taking the ‘test’ have come out as Androgynous, so it should never be taken as a definitive diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria.
So I guess, my main point is that, it’s ok to be different, but only you will know how different you actually are.
Hello! It has been almost exactly a year since I last posted. Partly because I've been busy and partly because I couldn't find the site because I forgot what it was called! I have a lot of updates, this is almost an origin story so get comfy ;)
So, in May/ June i decided that I was done with moping around being a miserable git and feeling sorry for myself, it was time for change. I started to compile a letter to my family and friends the tell them about the new me. The first draft was about 3000 words and didn't read very well but with a little tweaking I got the count down and it was ready. I sent one to my mum, sister, best friend and I hand delivered the one to my girlfriend because she lived in my city. I know there would be a mixed bag of reactions but the one coming first would be from my girlfriend because she didn't have to suffer the Royal Mail. I was absolutely terrified! I had the letters teetering in the post box, only half in because once there in thats it! No take backsies.
Ill be more than happy to share the letter with you all if you would like, just let me know in the comments. I know it would probably have been better to say it all face to face but it was logistically not possible and I can't speak what I want it comes out as jibberish when I'm nervous.
So later that evening I received a text from my girlfriend to ask me to come over. I gave her an out in the letter and said that I would understand if she didn't want to be with me because of it, its only fair. As soon as she opened the door she burst into tears and I almost broke down myself. She wasn't crying because she was breaking up with me, she was crying at the idea of not being with me. It was all very emotional and we talked for hours about the future and what's going to happen next.
The next day I got a call from my sister crying, but it was more of a happy cry. She was very supportive and continues to be so to this day. I also got a text from my mum telling me she got the letter. *Back story, both my mum and my sister skipped to the end of my letter because they thought it was a joke. Mum then called, crying, and in the outset she seemed supportive. I went to go see her and she back tracked a lot, she didn't get it which is understandable and she didn't necessarily agree with it. The trip made me very sad and I cried a lot in bed that night. She has since become the amazing mum she had been for many years before.
That was all in the space of a week in June, there was a lot of emotion flying around.
Fast forward a month and my city's annual LGBT festival was happening. Oh wait I missed a bit, my girlfriend decided to stay with me because she is amazing! Honestly I wouldn't be the person I am today without her help and support. I am merely pieces of a person but she is my glue, keeping me together. So yeah LGBT festival, I wanted to go out as a woman for the first time. I figured that if I don't look perfect then that would be okay because everyone's dressed up and heading to the gay bar! I picked out an outfit, which was approved by my gf ;) and we headed out with our friend. It was the happiest moment in my life that I can remember for a long long time. Being out, being dressed up, it was exhilarating! I once went to a fancy dress party as a girl when I was 16, no one cottoned on to what I was doing which was fantastic and sad at the same time. So that was pride!
Not much happened in the months following, I started epilating (ow) and practicing with make up. Then when Halloween rolled around I took another chance to go out as Faith. Oh yes, my new name is Faith :) Halloween is a wonder out time where people can be anyone they want, so I did. We had a party and then hit the town. I was having a great old time and even bumped into a few people from uni who didn't recognise me which felt great! Of course my friend rumbled me by calling me by my old name but hey, who cares! I also went out New Years and unfortunately got entangled in a conversation with some random people which was tough because I don't have a woman's voice as of yet but they seemed nice and didn't point it out.
I have taken some big steps to becoming Faith, I have changed my name, I have been put on the GIC waiting list (2 years) and I have planned me entire look as cheaply as possible. While I have taken these big steps, it doesn't feel like enough, I still feel the same. I felt great, I told everyone and everything was going to change and it was going to be great. Nothing changed, that is indeed the issue, every time I see a woman I get a pang of jealousy and then struck with sadness. I don't want to die, but it's getting harder to live like this, I haven't told anyone this because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me and baby me. Its just hard, I know I'm not alone it's hard for all of us at times, just seems like all the time at the moment.
So that is me fully updated! Thanks for reading if you made it this far ;) look forward to coming back to the blog and talking to some people!
Lots of Love
I have been quiet over the past few months. I have visited the site but have not written anything. Not commented on anything, not added an entry to the blog, etc. All I've done is read what others are writing about. I've noticed a few people sign off lately; saying goodbye; moving on. I've wondered about their reasons for leaving. I've also wondered what I'm doing here.
To be honest, one of the things that has bothered me is whether it's safe to post here. I've thought about the way the political landscape has changed in the USA and what that might mean for people who are based in the USA - and also what it might mean for people like me who are not based in the USA but whose words are, in all likelihood, being stored in a US data centre as I type. Am I being paranoid? Probably. Do I have cause to be paranoid? Not sure, yet. Probably not. But I am also wondering whether I have anything useful or interesting to say anymore.
I could tell people about how I've visited the gender specialists three times since i last added an entry to this blog, and how I have another two appointments lined up - one later this week and one next month. I could talk about the fact that my GP still isn't prescribing my testosterone and I'm still getting it via a private prescription, and that my GP has received written instructions from the gender specialists about what to prescribe and how to monitor my blood, but that she still doesn't seem inclined to do it. I could talk about my relationship with my husband, or my brother, or how things are going at work, or how one phone call from me to the psychologist at the gender clinic is all it would take to set up a referral to a surgeon for top surgery.
But I don't really want to. I've realised that I'm being self-indulgent on here. I've recently read through some of my previous posts and it seems to me that I've felt sorry for myself quite a lot and I don't want to do that anymore.
Everyone has problems. Everyone has things they need to work out or work through. I have it quite easy, really. I have a good life and I have family and friends who care about me and respect me. When I come here I seem to forget that and I only dwell on the negatives. I've used this site to moan and complain when, really, I have nothing to moan or complain about.
I wish everyone well. I hope you all get what you want out of life and I hope your journeys progress the way you want them to. I hope the destination is as wonderful as you envisage it to be.
Peace and long life.