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  • Lori

    Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
    • 28 comments
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Those Who have A Why Can Manage Any How.

The topic of religion comes up now and then so here is a bit of my experience.  I was raised in the catholic religion until I was a teenager. Then I stopped going for the most part. There were just to many inconsistencies between the church and a loving god for me to except. I watched as the parishioners said one thing and later did another. I felt like I was being doomed for the way I felt inside about myself even though I was a good kid. I wasn’t going to be judged anymore or whacked with a ruler so I started a search for meaning in my life outside of the catholic religion.   I remember that when I was about 5 my mom sent me to Sunday school while they went to service. It was a classroom set up and they were teaching us about Jesus and the Bible etc. I asked a lot of questions about everything because I am a curious person, they apparently didn’t like me asking to many questions.  How do you know? Why? Who wrote this? Where are the tablets? Burning bush? How did it start? How do you get through the mucky bottom of the Red Sea when the water was parted? I wanted to understand but I was supposed to just accept that it was fact. I believe that they (the teacher) saw this as an affront to god(or just annoying because you can’t answer some of them) so they kicked me out and made me sit on a rock outside because I was a distraction. (It was drizzling that day) Every Sunday I would ask a question and out I went. The rock was right in front of big floor to ceiling windows where all the other kids could see me. At first I was upset, confused and embarrassed but then I realized that I would rather be outside anyway. No one was being mean to me outside and I wasn’t getting any answers anyway. I turned it into a fun time rather then a negative one. I would make up imaginary games or do physical things. I would see how long I could stand on one foot or I would see how far I could jump off the rock and then try to beat my record. Throw pebbles at targets I setup. Then a few weeks later I was joined by another kid who was kicked out and now we could play together and it was fun. Over time there were more kids and we loved it. Boys and girls playing king of the rock and other games. It’s funny because it backfired on the teacher. When she tried to shame me (for no apparent reason that I could understand) she actually made the other kids envy me and what kid wouldn’t want to be outside playing instead of the classroom on a Sunday. I think when our little “troublemaker” group hit about 6 or 7 kids the teacher told the priest and they both went to talk with my parents. (I was the problem, a bad influence) If I didn’t behave I was not welcome anymore (in a polite way) because I was too much of a distraction for the other kids. (Truth is at this point I was and I liked it) My mother said “Oh my, we will talk to him and it will not happen again”. That’s when my father stepped in and asked the question “why is he being put on a rock exactly?” and then proceeded to find out what was really going on. He immediately pulled me out (he was pissed) and instead of going to church with the rest of the family we would do activities together on Sundays for the next year or so. No more church for either of us! He didn’t want to go away so I was his out and instead he taught me about what is truly important in life and that was a crucial time for my development. We enjoyed those days very much but when we moved😔 to the country my mom pressured him into going back to church. “We are in a new area. What will people think if we are not in church? Ohh..no!” Well we begrudgingly went and the church turned out to be pretty darn cool and they had a band! Drums (which I loved) electric guitars...a hip new church experience. I of course was put in the little kids quite room after a month or so because I was fidgeting around and my mom was embarrassed so I began to dread church again. I just couldn’t sit still. I was so embarrassed to be in the room with toddlers that I made a stink about it and they decided that I could wait outside if I wanted to while they attended mass. (I already learned that if I was a distraction I would be outside so....) The church was in the country with lots of land all around it and a beautiful view of the fields. I found plenty of interesting things to do. One thing I loved was climbing and I would climb everything. After climbing up all the trees I could find I noticed something cool, I could scale the stone walls of the church. They were on a slight angle making it easy for me to explore the building and I just loved it. I would pretend I was climbing Mt. Everest dangling by one finger. (Can he make it!) Then curiosity got to me when I could hear the band playing inside the church. So I climbed up to the window to watch. Well the parishioners saw me and gasped 😮 “there’s a child on the wall!” (I was about 20-30 ft up. No big deal) As you might guess this caused quite a stir and it became the topic of conversation. “Oh my lord!” People said. My mother was mortified. As it turns out though the priest was talking about living life with our hearts and loving the gifts that god has given us. To be free from gossip and condemnation of others. So after the mass when my mom came over to quietly scold me with the priest following behind I was ready to get punished. My head down and eyes looking at my feet as she was speaking and I saw the priest standing there out of the corner of my eye. I have been hear before and knew what was coming next. To my surprise & delight though the priest spoke up and defended me! He kind of scolded her in a gentle way. He said that I could climb the walls whenever I wanted but just to be careful and have respect for the mass and the building. He said that I was making some people nervous and asked me (he didn’t tell me) not to distract them by looking in the window. I could come back in anytime I wished and even sit with the band or play the drums with the band during church! Holy cow! I didn’t see that coming. I found out that when everyone saw me outside the window he said “look at this child of god, this child is living life and that is what I am talking about now, he is free. He is not judging, he is exploring and learning and that is what children are supposed to do.” (It was something like that) Awesome! I could see my father was proud of me and a bit surprised himself by the fathers comments but mom just couldn’t get it, always worrying about what people think. Anyway, I loved going to church again and I would come in whenever I wanted to. I even played the drums after mass with the band. (I was to nervous to play during mass in front of everyone) Well as you might have guessed it wasn’t long before my brother and other kids were outside with me, one by one they started coming out. I enjoyed showing them how to climb the walls and stuff or just playing games. The sounds of giggling happy kids must have echoed across the property every Sunday. My self esteem went from really low to really high very quickly and that energy transferred into school as well, which was great because I was the new kid. I had guys asking me to hangout and had girls vying for my attention and dragging me into the coat closet. I found my first girlfriend then and had my first real kiss 😘. I was no longer the last kid picked in the kickball game, soccer game or dodgeball game etc. I was one of the first to be chosen or I was asked to be a captain. I was living life just like the priest said and the world was my oyster. It inspired me to try all kinds of things and during that time is when my dysphoria really kicked in. But hey I was living life, l was not afraid of anything really and that’s when I started wearing pantyhose that I grabbed out of the laundry basket. I asked my mom if I could try some of her makeup as I watched her intently put on hers. She agreed a couple of times until my father put a stop to it. I was confused but still living life and it was awesome. My friend across the street was a tomboy named Timmy. I thought that was a weird name for a girl but who cares. She taught me a couple of things but that was my first exposure to a pretty girl acting like a boy and she looked very boyish. So what’s so weird about a boy acting like a girl? Life was great. Also around that time Star Wars came out and I could feel the force flow through me. It seemed logical, positive and negative, choose one. Okay! I choose the good side of the force!    Then we moved again. 😔 Off to another state, town, school and yes church but the force stayed with me. 😁 (including the dark side but that’s another story)   My father was not religious even though he was raised catholic but went to church for my mom. He is and was a very spiritual person even though he doesn’t even know it. He taught me to always think, ask questions and ponder the answers. He had a lot of tragedy when he was very young and that caused him to question the meaning of life and question what the Catholic Church was preaching to him. He became the rebellious one as a teenager. My mom also experienced tremendous tragedy when she was young but she ran to the church for protection. She needed to feel secure, safe and had no other place to turn to. She had the mind set that god was punching her for a reason that she couldn’t understand and she has spent her entire life trying to make up for it by helping others. This struggle has taken a physical toll on her body and mind but it did produce a lot of positive things too.   So, new town new church and after the last experience I was looking forward to it. The new church however was just like the first one and I stayed away as much as I could. I did go through all the rights of passage but I was secretly wearing girls clothes, makeup and apparently going to hell. I just wanted to be a girl and I thought I was a freak. Maybe it’s just a faze or part of puberty but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I finally ditched the church after I was confirmed and only ventured through the doors when I had to. I would look around while I was there at this magnificent building and wonder, how much money did they spend to build this place. All the shiny gold stuff and everything else. That money could be used far more efficiently to help people. It all just stunk to high heaven. Plus they were telling me I was going to hell every time I went. I left and vowed to never be a part of this again except for the occasional wedding or funeral. I was a spiritual person though and over time learned about other religions. I was searching for answers and researched everything I could get my hands on. The gods were interesting but I felt that they were probably beings from another planet that came here long ago and why should I prey to them, because they had better technology? Thankful if they helped create us or even influenced our development but they were smaller than the force that is everything including the gods. As far as religion goes, I found that I could relate to buddhism the best, because I studied martial arts for so long it just seem like a natural fit for me. It seemed to line up with the force concept which I felt was the most plausible. I was never a practicing Buddhist but I incorporated some of the religion into my life and still do today. I railed against god in any other formal religious representation. Years went by and I lived life on my terms but I always had this secret that I had to deal with. I used drugs and alcohol to cope with my dysphoria. It was a slow gradual process that snuck up on me. Eventually I dropped the drugs and progressively drank more and more until I wanted to die and I attempted suicide. I was saved from death in a way that shouldn’t have happened so it made me think. I should be dead, but I’m not. Uhmm🤔. Then after trying every option I could think of I conceded (to appease my wife) and I got help in AA. They seemed like a cult to me at first but I didn’t know what else to do. I had no intentions of getting “sober”. (The journey through AA is a whole story in itself) But! as luck would have it, I did get sober and life became really good, my sponsor helped me to better understand spirituality on a level that I had not contemplated before. I was able to separate religion from spirituality, that the 2 are separate but can be combined as well. My whole life I was taught that you had to be religious to be spiritual. I became friends with people that were religious and spiritual. These people were walking the walk and talking the talk. Religious or not, everyone was respectful and there was no gossip or complaining really. I realized overtime that there are far more good religious people than bad in the churches in general. They were truly doing good things in their lives and they weren’t judging others. They were genuinely happy nice people. It’s kind of funny because society tends to judge alcoholism and drugs addiction in a negative light without understanding the true nature of the individual. Similar to the way they look at transgender people in a way 🤔. At this point I started to wake up to the way I was judging pretty much everything. I was able to slowly let go of all the animosity I held in my heart towards religion, god and especially the Catholic Church. I realized how arrogant I had been in my thinking and it all started with one thought. “Who am I to say that Jesus didn’t exist, I don’t really know, I wasn’t there.” This caused me to think deeply about everything else I was judging from a self proclaimed lofty position. I started to open my mind and look at all the different religions in the world, making an attempt to view them from a point of neutrality. I found that when you break down all the different religions that I looked at to the core, they all say the same thing. Love each other. Be a good person. Over time I think human beings have twisted the core message to suit there own desires. I also had to concede that I might just be wrong about everything as well. That’s why I always say “live, love, learn”. Being transgender has open my eyes as well to a much broader world in a way that I never contemplated before. I thought I was free of judging others but the truth is I wasn’t. I was still judging what I didn’t truly understand and most importantly I was constantly judging myself. Of course we need to make judgments to navigate life but I make a tremendous effort to understand before I judge something. At least I am very aware when I am judging things now, most of the time anyway but I’m still a work in progress😉. Now a days my “religion” if you feel the need to label it is “the force of nature or energy of the universe.”😊 The balance between positive and negative energy in every single thing in the universe that goes far beyond our comprehension. It doesn’t need a name. I make an attempt to see my part in this cycle of energy that I call life. Am I helping or hurting is a simple way to look at it as a human being. It’s a constant observation of what is going on around me and staying in the present moment. The past is over but it can guide me towards a better future but the present moment is where all decisions are made. What you believe is neither bad or good, it’s what you do that speaks your truth. This knowledge or awareness has provided me a sense of peace in my life that I have never before experienced and can carry me across any bridge of life. 🥰 Christy😊

Christy

Christy

 

Another Excursion

Well a lot's happening with my presenting, and MY CONFIDENCE! 💇‍♀️.  Have had many opportunities to sit tight by myself and refine my make-up, my dress, my mannerisms, my voice, and my mental attitude, most important! Have been moisturizing my skin, face, leg, arms, my whole body and I mentioned before shaved my body, neck to toe.  Even trimmed my eyebrows amd they came out PERFECT!😊. Thanks to studying all the you tube videos out there. Today have 20 hours with the house to myself from3pm on, , so I decided it was time for another excursion.😎,  Now I recently dumped my truck which I used for business, a huge Yukon XL.for a Malibu sedan.  Always had big "manly wheels" before. ;I've always had big Black trucks, SUVs . This sedan is the perfect size for a girl, maroon exterior, light tan interior, like new and I love it.  It's my Jess mobile.💜.   Three o'clock started transforming into Jessica mode and by 7 went out for a ride.  Drove to the nearest large city and took a walk downtown, window shopping.  No one made any notice of me. No funny looks, no whispering among people walking about.  Tried to make eye contact with several and smiled.  Stopped in a Walgreens's and shopped for some make-up.  When the clerk rang me up , she commented on my necklace and we briefly talked about how brutally cold it was outside.  My fem voice seemed to pass enough; she acted quite normal😊😎  I was a little nervous but will work more getting a handle on that.  Stopped for a coffee to go and again didn't stand out!  I can get used to this💇‍♀️❤️  Jess   First Event organizers e-mailed me and gave me a volunteer slot at the clothing boutique😍.  Now, really looking forward to that! 👉 i        

Jessicatoyou

Jessicatoyou

 

Thank goodness I didn't purge!

Okay, in my last blog I was about to close my business (November) and moved my "belongings" home not knowing when I would be able to resume presenting female if not only in private, but I did NOT purge as I had many times in the past. Hey I just turned 64😎, and there were many. Thank goodness😊. Since then, I have been dealing with a rather extreme life changing event, the kind that would cause anyone to reconsider if transitioning is the right course to continue. Well, prior to that I've had the opportunity to dress in private almost daily ( 5 out of 7 days a week) for two years, if only for short periods at a time. I've practiced make-up, the walk, the talk, the mirrors, the selfies, you get it, and I felt pretty confident that when I picked back up I would be ready to go. …..NOT!  😫.   Well, have the house to myself (for the first time in my life!, almost,.... my son's been hanging around some❤️,  Little more than a week ago I pulled the stash out from the boxes and dressed and made-up.       UGH!😩 . Thought this ain't gonna work. CALL IT OFF! What am I doing?????  I looked like an old man in drag!   Took a day off and reflected, …..or meditated? Don't know which,  but it worked. Haha.   Tried again, took my time.  Shaved my body, (yep, down there, too). Legs, armpits, chest, arms, back, etc. Eight days later only a little growing back down there;  just shaved again today. The rest no sign of hair returning yet. Have lived most of the last week presenting female in private. Still have gone out presenting male on occasion to take care of errands, like getting contact lenses. Haha. Was a bitch trying to apply eye make-up when you can't see your eyes without glasses!👀 BTW they work! The optometrist didn't have a clue why a 64 year old guy would want contacts, but she's happy and I'm making another friend!  Seems like everyone's so young these days and just wanna be friends 😊 .  So, back at the house, could actually see my eyes and face applying makeup, and with the aid of some "face-lift tape" I looked 80-90% presentable. ( FFS is definitely in my future). Today, went out.  I mean WENT OUT!  😍.  Put on my best outfit, made myself up, right down to my nails, looked in the mirror, and decided I was ready. Haven't done that since I was 20 something, and then it was at night!  Noon to two pm, ran some errands, took a drive, felt the cool crisp air. Nobody noticed and there were many that could have!!!! 😎. Came home, and logged into First Event to volunteer for the Convention. Jess,, feeling better ❤️ .        

Jessicatoyou

Jessicatoyou

 

When did I decide.

I found myself at the beginning, after I finally admitted that I was transgender to myself and that I was going to do something about this fact I was overwhelmed with the possibilities, both positive and negative. This caused a chain reaction with in my mind. The positive aspect of becoming what I always dreamed of created an excitement that was very powerful and alluring. I wanted to run as fast as I could towards becoming a girl. The negative aspect of what this really means for myself and everyone I love were temporary pushed aside. I became a bit selfish and I wasn’t being honest with my family or myself. All normal and understandable. It took me a couple of months to calm my mind and truly see the ramifications of what I was up to. I realized I was acting selfishly and being deceptive with those I love ❤️. That became unexceptable in my heart and mind. At the same time everything I had been doing gave me a sense of peace about my body and I was really no longer tormented by dysphoria. So, there I was still excited and scared but living a life that was kind of selfish. Then the physical changes started to become a bit more pronounced and I was approaching the point of permanent change. (Turns out that was still a ways off but in my mind it was happening) I welcomed the physical changes that I had been waiting for my whole life but I wasn’t prepared for these mentally which caused a lot of anxiety for me. I had an overwhelming sense of urgency to have this all figured out. I pondered over every aspect of transitioning to the point that it was all consuming mentally. I realized I needed a break from the gender issues and because my dysphoria was not a problem I decided to stopped transitioning. At times I was convinced that I no longer needed to move forward. I jumped off the transgender transitioning train. The old TTT came to a stop and at this small town stop there was no hrt, no group, nothing related to being transgender but there was a barber shop so I cut my hair back to the way is was🤬, short. I was feeling pretty good and I wasn’t thinking about transitioning at all or at least very little anyway. Also my facial hair came back in full force which was a surprise and a problem. The little boobs and physical changes I did have were not that noticeable so I was back to the guy again only with better skin😉. Pretty much the old me without the dysphoria. Then the dysphoria started to come back and it was getting stronger as the days went on.(as a side note: I think the production of testosterone is directly related to my dysphoria and the way it effects my brain is where the rubber hits the road. IMO.) As the feelings became stronger I began to realize I was headed right back to the same place I was in at the beginning of this train ride only with the knowledge of what is truly possible. A complete transition. So, I started on a quest and was mentally searching for the answers with this new knowledge and understanding.(always learning) Do I have to transition? Can I make it through transition? Will I be able to transition physically? Can I transition without seriously hurting my loved ones? Is it worth the price tag? Will I be okay if I lose everything that I have and love? Have I tried all other options? Am I clear in my thinking or am I clouded by hormones or other outside influences? That’s just a few there were many more. As luck has it I was scheduled to embark on a trip to the south west to explore the parks and canyons. Looking back at this I realized that I made that trip happen. We could have chosen almost anywhere in the world but I pushed for this location and was able to convince my family to take this particular trip over others. It was not hard to do so really all the pieces fell into place like dominos. Quite astonishing now that I look back on it. There were things that needed to take place years earlier for this to happen. Some that were completely out of my control. I have had visions of going to the great canyons of the south west all my life. It was on this trip that I found the answers to most of my questions. There are still some I am working on and probably always will because new questions keep arising. That’s life. The adventure. It was on the last day of the last canyon “Zion” when everyone else was exhausted and wanted nothing else but rest that I took a hike at night alone. Under a full moon to the emerald pools I went. I didn’t pick that path I just started walking and made choices on which way to go when there was a fork in the road. No map, just a small pack with water, a cell phone and the light of the moon. That’s when I realized that I had to move forward and I was willing to lose everything to do it. At that moment a sense of peace surrounded me and flowed through me even though I was in a place that was dangerous for a solo hiker. (Big cats, cliffs etc.) It was a culmination of experiences through out the week that preceded that very moment. It all came into focus for me. Time disappeared. I eventually made it back to the lodge and in my room where everyone else was peacefully fast asleep, I was finally at Peace in my soul. I stayed up the entire night almost. I was watching the moon faded away as the massive canyon changed shapes before my eyes. Sitting quietly, listening to the songs of the night a new gift presented itself, the most astonishing sky of stars. Truly spectacular. There wasn’t a stitch of sky without a star. I wanted to wake everyone up to see it but I didn’t I just enjoyed the show. The next day I bought my first female piece of clothing in front of my wife as a way to move forward and have a symbol of what had transpired the night prior. I started to be me more freely and I was pushing myself forward but keeping in mind to be respectful to my family and myself. I wasn’t afraid anymore of the little things but I knew that I needed a plan. When I return home I immediately shared my experience with friends and my therapist and began to work on some kind of plan for me to come out to the world. My therapist and I worked together for a month until I felt like I was ready. Then I took my first big step towards my new life. After the first big steps I could see a future for myself and I have been taking much smaller steps since then but always moving forward. I do my absolute best to make sure I am not being selfish and to think things through. The adventure continues.....😊

Christy

Christy

 

2019

Happy New Year! I’m looking forward to new year for many reasons but no reason is bigger then taken the next step of being a woman. Definitely looking forward to dressing up more and buying my first set of clothes, shoes, and makeup. Also looking to get my nails done more and learn to paint my nails myslf. My mom and I will definitely have more girls weekends  this year which will make me happy. Also hope to find a meetup group to meet others. 

Frank09

Frank09

 

before the new year

i dont have much time to check for this anymore. so quick update on what been going on. its to the point where u really cant tell im not woman and ppl dont know unless u tell them . things i still need to do is fix my name, fix my birth marker, and the bottom surgery. happy with the top results from hormones rn. my voice have alway been soft but i practice to make sure its perfect, i have make a few mistake and also some mannerism that say to ppl something is strange. my wardrobe went thru radical change thank to friend of mine. i stop telling ppl im transgender and lot of probs went away. why. because its not there business and put me at risk not them. have a safe new year everyone. Kitrah

Kitrah

Kitrah

 

Happy New Year

I don't have anything special to write about. I only wanted to let you all know how special you are and how much I have enjoyed conversing with you. You have certainly enriched my life and I look forward to sharing more of our stories as we travel along. I resolve to have more fun this year and hope you all can do the same. We can celebrate the wonderful beings that we are. I wouldn't have it any other way. Big Hugs to all of you.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

The journey continues

So, as I sit here listening to music and looking at the beautiful lights I feel a sense of uneasy discomfort. Nothing horrible just blah. My wife seems to be distancing herself from me over the last couple of days and I am not sure what if anything is going on. I don’t feel like doing anything. I am not excited about the future or anything else. Maybe it’s just that the new year is upon me and I have a great deal of things that I want to accomplish in 2019. Can I do it? Is it possible? My wife has been hanging out with a newer friend quite a bit lately and this woman seems to be distancing herself from me as well. Is this just in my head or is there something more to it? Not sure. I will confront the fears that seem to be building up in my head by talking with her later tonight when she gets home. I will meditate prior to the conversation but I am having trouble getting started with that. Maybe it’s just the estrogen shot I took today. Uhmm. I was at a public event today with my family and I felt like everyone was checking me out. I felt like I was being clocked and maybe that’s it. I’m not sure that people were even clocking me because I was in guy mode. Normally I would just plow through it and interact with everyone throwing me a vibe but today I just didn’t want to. I felt alone even though I was sitting in between my son and my parents. Maybe having to be in guy mode is starting to get to me more? Stop 🛑. I am going to call my parents and see what happens......nope that didn’t help but they are fine so that’s good. Uhmm. Maybe I just need to sit in this? I can’t. Maybe I’m just sad for a friend that had a loss recently?  Uhmm. What to do, what to do? I am going to go meditate now and dive deep into whatever this is, allowing myself to let go completely. I’ll be back....................well I did meditate for 2 hours. It took 30mins just to calm down my mind. Then I finally and slowly was able to let go and detach. I realized that I have been acting a bit selfish lately. I have been distracted by my physical appearance and dysphoria in general. I think my ego has been rearing it’s ugly head a bit as well and that is never good. This has caused me to neglect some of my responsibilities to my family and work so I’ll fix that straight away. The meditation was deep and the 2 sides of me were looking for control. The guy side wants to be the “guy” in guy mode and the girl wants to be out in full but she can’t yet. She is also afraid that she will look ridiculous and that’s a problem for her. Then the meditation went much deeper and I was no longer attached to any physical body. My spirit was stepping outside of the body, realizing that the true me (my soul) is actually separate from the body. I had forgotten that to some extent. The person that taught me how to meditate always reminds me of the circle of thought, of awareness, conscious of the spirit. “Know(that you are a spirit), forget(that you are a spirit by the distractions of the physical world), remember(that yes, you are something more than the physical body, the spirit) know, forget, remember.” This was great guidance for me and when I get distracted by life it helps get me back onto solid mental ground again. Then the boy and the girl stopped fighting or complaining. Their was no more tug of war going on and that was the source for my feelings of unease and discomfort. Any tension was gone. No worries. No fears. It’s like the 2 sides woke up and said “ah, yeah okay “😊. I gave myself some time to come out of meditation and then to my surprise my wife was lying in front of me on the couch 😊. Peacefully with her eyes closed. I went over and softly kissed her forehead and her eyes opened. So we talked for just a bit. Rather than asking for answers to all the questions that were rattling around in my mind earlier I just asked her if she was okay. “How are you doing? Are you okay?” She said she was fine. “Do you need anything? Can I get you anything?” She said no. “Honey, I know you are suffering a bit and I am here for you when ever you need me.” She said okay thank you. “I am going for a walk, I’ll be back shortly.” So, off I went for a walk to process what I learned in the meditation. When I came back and had a bite to eat and then laid down on the couch with her. I was so at peace with everything, I was completely transformed. Then I fell to sleep and slept like a baby 👶. When I got up I was full of energy in a peaceful manner. Focused. Now I will carry that throughout my day. This is a much better way for this individual to live. 😊

Christy

Christy

 

Trans But Still in the Closet

Change is still slow... a lot slower than we prefer to believe. I happened to be looking around another board this morning and was running down the General Transgender Discussion forum index page when I spotted a thread with the title, "Trans but still in the closet." The thread was created in April 2018.  There were only eight replies to the thread to date.  However, that thread had been viewed nearly 16,000 times. I can think of only a few reasons why the view count is so high:
    1.  Curiosity - why is the person [still] not out
    2.  General reading - individuals who just read every new thread/post
    3.  There are still a LOT of us, who, for whatever reasons, are still in the closet and went to that thread because they can relate Only one other thread comes anywhere near having as many views at just over 1,800.  Obviously, 1,800 is not close, and this despite a thread title of "Need to talk."  Talk about what?  One would think that sheer curiosity would bump the view count way up there. This same board has an "adult" forum, and even in that area of the board, of the 36 threads, only two have more than 1,000 views.  What's ironic is, despite the purpose of that particular forum, the two threads with the 1k+ views are NOT "adult-themed," but threads asking for [non-sexual] information. I am inclined to believe that the reason the view count is so high on that thread falls under #3 above.  Bigotry, unacceptance, social stigma, fear, lack of access to appropriate/adequate medical care, anti-TGLBQ+ laws, lack of or absence of inclusive/acknowleging rights, etc., etc., etc.... still serves to keep so many of us in hiding. We can all rally 'round and proclaim there have been great strides accomplished in the name of change - perhaps to make us feel better.  Fact is, those changes have come at the pace of a half-dead snail going uphill thru molasses in winter.  To exacerbate the issue, there are forces whittling away at what few advances have been gained over the last few years.  And let's not forget we have a vice-prez who is rabidly anti-TGLBQ.  God (or whoever) help us if 45 is impeached or otherwise vacates the Whitehouse and the VP becomes top dog.   You think dummy is hell-bent on a damn wall...  yer white-haired, beady-eyed VP is hell-bent on converting everyone to straight cisgender christians. We STILL have a painfully LONG way to go.  And at this point, I seriously doubt I will see in my lifetime SIGNIFICANT positive, beneficial change that allows for all people all along the gender spectrum to move freely and safely throughout society, with all the rights as any other person. -Michael

UsernameOptional

UsernameOptional

 

I Jus' Go Nuts at Christmas

I don’t know what it is. Could be the season, Christmas and all. Maybe I feel the need for presents. I did get a couple of gift cards which I will put to good use, but there were a few things that I wanted. So, while I was doing my weekly grocery shopping at Walmart, I took a spin through the Ladies section. I have some things that a belt would go nicely with. Along the way, I came across a cami that I could use. Price wasn’t bad, and I found one in my size. Next, I spied some leggings and ended up buying a couple of pair—one velour. I almost bought three—can’t have too many leggings, and it is winter, you know, even here in sunny Florida. I finally did find the belts and saw a set of three that looked nice, but I couldn’t find large size. So, I was pawing my way through the display, when a nice black lady asked if I could use help and tried to steer me to the men’s section. I told her that no, I wanted a lady’s belt, so she worked her way through the belts and finally found a large set. I thanked her for being so helpful and was on my way. I was happy with my personal gifts to myself and wore a set of leggings and the camisole all day. One other note about Christmas. One of my lady friends with whom I used to work at PACE Center for Girls sent me a nice Christmas card and used “Michelle” as her greeting. That made me feel good. She is very thoughtful that way. Hope everyone has a great holiday. I seem to be having a good one all on my own.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

After the shot

Well it’s been a week since I took the first shot and I have been feeling great all week. The girl was jumping out of my skin on Sunday & Monday but then it slowly went back to normal as the week went on. Right now I feel extremely content in my body. Love being girly and ok wearing my boy stuff. Good thing I didn’t throw out or give my boys clothes away! No wonder cis girls get a bit crazy with the monthly cycle. Lol. The boost of estrogen was amazing and when things started to settle down I felt like I wanted more. Like a drug addiction, I wanted another shot but , I just chilled out and recorded my emotional state realizing how estrogen was effecting me. I was just about to go out and buy clothes and everything else I posted about but, I stopped myself and thought it through. “Wait a minute, this is not normal at all, I better slow down before I make a mistake and accidentally hurt someone.” So, I just tried to live my life the way I normally do, with a little extra push towards the girl.  I went to a pflag meeting with my parents and I dressed more feminine than I have before in front of my parents. I arrived before my parents and when my mom entered the room she didn’t recognize me at all, my dad had to point me out. Interesting 🤔. Holy crap! My own mother didn’t recognize me. That was a nice and sad feeling all at the same time. It was a good meeting and my dad finally spoke up! A lot. He is very opinionated and conservative but has a heart of gold. He respects others and has spent a lifetime helping people and now he is trying to understand what being transgender means. In a setting like that though, if you say you’re a conservative person everyone will judge you as the devil. People squirm in their seats and then want to attack or defend their positions. The truth is you would be hard pressed to find a more companionate man but don’t force your will on his life. He likes to think things through and understand the complications that a particular decision will cause or may cause. That’s the definition of conservative, taking things at a slower pace. I understand that some people might get triggered by that statement so please don’t respond back in a negative way on that topic😊. The truth is he is loved by everyone who knows him and I am dam proud of him. So. I did feel the need to guide him in what he was saying because of my own fears. I was afraid that he might get people riled up but I didn’t intervene. I sat and listened. Then after others spoke I gave my thoughts. In the end it was productive for all and made people think a bit more which is a good thing. After the meeting he was having a nice talk with some of the other people and I watched them smile and laugh with him. Cool 😎. I find most group meetings can be one sided with everyone agreeing. Never looking at things from the other side of the glass. I personally find that to be very important. I think the meeting was really thought provoking.  My mother on the other hand didn’t say a word.....not a peep. So, on Friday I went over to their house and spent some time with them just to make sure they were okay in their minds. I thanked my father for being thoughtful during the meeting and that I loved the fact that he shared his feelings. I was proud of him. They have no one to talk to about transgender issues except for me,my sister and the group so I worry about them and the added stress load. My mom is having a hard time with it because she worries about what other people will think. She worries about everyone all the time anyway. She is an angel and volunteers on so many levels that it’s staggering. While I was there I wanted to make sure she was meditating to help with the stress. She hasn’t been meditating at all even though she said she was. So, I took her by the hand and provided her with headphones and everything else she needed. I brought her to her bed and had her lay down with a blanket so she was comfortable. I spoke with her and told her how much I loved her. I told her not to worry about me, my family or the world. Everything was going to be just fine. I gave her some instructions for getting into a meditative state and told her dad would come in to talk with her in an hour. Then I kissed her on the head and left the room. At that moment of kissing her on the head I realized that she is going to pass away soon and I have not been preparing myself for it. The feeling of loss was almost crippling and I had to gather myself together because my child was with me. I gave my dad instructions on how to help her come out of meditation because she needs to learn how to do that too. Her regular stress level is off the charts and has caused her health problems her whole life. Add on the fact of me being transgender and it is just too much for her body to handle. I have made it a goal to teach them both how to effectively meditate so I will be spending a lot more time with them. We will see how that goes and in the long run it will let them see the real me more often. Win win. I can’t explain how profound the night was for me. I have a better understanding of what true deep love is and what my responsibility is to cherish that gift. Profound. It changed me. 🙏   Anyway back at the ranch....before that experience.  My hair is getting longer and it’s in my face all the time so I started wearing a hairband to hold it back. It’s effective, I like the way it looks and it gives me a  little bit of a more feminine appearance😊. Then yesterday my wife threw me a curveball, and said “Can I ask you a question....why are you wearing that headband?” (with a tone of disgust) I told her the truth. I asked her if it bothered her and she said yes. “Okay I don’t have to wear it, I’m just tired of wearing hats or using gel, but okay if it bothers you I won’t wear it. “ I asked her “why is this bothering you?” She said “well.... I think it looks stupid and I hope your not wearing it around town.” Dammmmm. I wanted to rip into her for the tone of the comment but I bit my lip and said “okay honey, I won’t wear it out, just around the house and in the car, no big deal.” The truth is that it is a big deal, not because I like the thing but because she is trying to control me rather than communicating with me about her real fears. This is not a healthy thing for our relationship and is unacceptable to me so, I’ll be working on that. The whole conversation did steal my energy for a while but I quickly saw the truth behind the comment so I bounced back quickly. I have been pushing the female side of me a lot this week so I will back off for a couple of days and then address the underlying problem. Hopefully she will understand what my needs are and what not tending to them could mean for me. Hers as well.  It’s been another incredible week with all kinds of emotions flying around. I will leave it at that. Time to stick myself again. I will let you know what happens next week. 🥰

Christy

Christy

 

Sewing Class

As I have written earlier, I had my first sewing class yesterday at Cynthia's Fine Fabrics in Margate, Florida. My late wife bought her machine there a few years ago, and introductory classes are free to machine owners. It was a small gathering--only myself and three other ladies, all quilters. I sat across from a snowbird from New Jersey, who had just purchased a pretty fancy BabyLock sewing machine. She asked me what I sew, and I told her that I wanted to learn women's fashion sewing. She didn't pursue it any further and was cordial and friendly for the remainder of the class. I really needed this class as it covered a lot of machine basics as well as some beginning sewing techniques. The new machines are pretty advanced and do more and more of the work for you. It's good to know what they are capable of. Cynthia feels that I could benefit from taking the course over before moving on to the next level and I agree. We have a homework assignment to practice our machine stitches. It was fun, and I'm anxious to keep going. I have so many fun things in my head to make when I develop some proficiency, like jumpsuits and rompers, as well as dresses and tops and pants. It will be nice to make things that fit my body type. I will be better at altering the ladies' clothing that I already have too. I'll keep everyone up to date. 

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

Bullying

Bullying Bullying is a problem for everyone, sooner or later, at every age and stage of life. Sometimes it's subtle and other times it's very direct. In short, a behavior becomes bullying when a person "triangulates," which means bringing one or more other person(s) in to act against the victim. Others may have behaviors we don't like, such as racism, but this is their problem, not yours.  However, we have a right and obligation (bystander) to call out bullies because it creates an unsafe emotional space for all. Let's take a closer look . . . What Is And Is Not Bullying Bullying Telling others not to sit by or talk to someone just because you don't like them. Intimidating others into liking or disliking others. Shaming others about their weight or body shape. Intimidating others into following fads. Intimidating others into not accepting others based on racism, nationalism, ethnicism or gender. Spreading lies and rumors. Not Bullying Choosing to not sit by or talk to someone you don't like. Allowing others to make their own choices about whom to make friends with. Choosing to not be friends with someone based on the fact they are friends with someone you don't like if they do not agree to not talk about you with their friend. How To Handle Bullies Do not answer back. Do not look at them. Turn away from them, but discreetly keep an eye on them for safety's sake. Do not talk about them or the situation except with people that you are absolutely sure are trustworthy (people you know who won't repeat what you say to the bully or the bully's friends). Realize they will turn on somebody else, when they no longer have access to you.  You are not the first, nor the last they will bully! Remember, everyone has been bullied at least once in their lives. Listen to music through headphones/ear buds to help you tune them out. Being the victim of bullying is not your fault! Be polite and respectful calling out bullies for bullying behavior.  Do not be surprised if they deny it or outright lie about it. Be careful not to be a bully yourself. Why Do They Bully? Insecurity Self-dislike, or worse, self-hate Abuse survivor without getting counseling or some other kind of help for it Bullied themselves while growing up Mental illness Attempting to raise their "worth" to their friends Power struggle - they fear others will like you more than them They bully when their victim does not expect it, so their victim will be slow to respond. They will try to bully when you are in an enclosed environment, such as working behind the counter, riding the bus, co-working in a small office, etc. They confuse being aggressive with being assertive. Preventing bullying is the best way to address the problem. Allowing it to progress makes our community more and more unsafe, both emotionally and physically, for everyone. Anti-bullying education should start with parents, as part of a strongly recommended marriage/parenting and family life class for everyone. Children often get their first taste of bullying in sibling rivalry.  Sibling rivalry has to be addressed early very pro-actively in a consistent, gentle but firm manner. We won't be able to rid bullying entirely out of our lives because it's driven by insecurity, that we all experience on occasion, but it can be greatly minimized, by mindful living. Would love to hear from others who have been bullied and how you handled it. Thank you.    

MonicaPz

MonicaPz

 

Starting to have a different mental image.

I noticed that when I’m in the shower washing the shampoo out of my hair with my eyes closed I only feel female. I didn’t notice it before because I was always trying to picture myself as a female. Everyday I get into the shower and tuck everything back and away then I stretch backwards as far as I can. I have been doing this to stretch out my stomach muscles and physically stretching my stuff down there. My thought is to keep as much length in my penis so that if I decide to have SRS there is as much to work with as possible. This should provide more depth after the operation (if I get it). This is just a theory but it does stretch stuff out in my abdomen as well and that is good too. I have been doing this for a long time even before I decided to transition but since that decision and reading a lot about the surgery my purpose for doing it has changed. I also like the way it makes me look and I can feel more like a girl temporarily. Now a days my testicular boys are so small that they just pop back up into the sockets while I move around during my washing. Then I release the boys in order to clean down there. Sorry for the graffic picture but hey that’s what’s going on. Now my point is that something has changed in my mind. I used to imagine myself as female but now I just think I am female or at least feel more like a female than a male. I know this is because my body is really starting to look female, boobs, hips, butt, hair getting longer, skin etc. and I love to feel that as well as I wash my body. Looking down at everything is a wonderful feeling and I can spend way too much time doing it. Until the hot water runs out. Here’s the thing though, when I tip my head back to rinse my hair and arch my back I don’t imagine that I am female. I feel that I am female and there is no more male, at all. It is a very natural thing and I have a hard time thinking of myself as a boy(I have to try) This has slowly progressed over time and it seems like my brain has switched. I’m not sure if this is from conditioning or hrt or a combination of both. Probably both. Now I am starting to feel this way during the day but not all the time. It comes and goes. I can say though that my female self is starting to take over though and it is becoming very hard not to present female in some way. Boy clothes have no appeal to me anymore, even my favorite boy jeans are unacceptable to wear. Now I can still wear them but I just don’t want to. I can understand all of this from a scientific point of view and from the fact that I am finally letting the real me out after repressing myself for so long but there is more to it though. I used to say to myself that if things became to much I could just de-transition whether it be for my family or for me. That is not the case anymore. I used to feel like I was pretending to be a girl and I loved the feeling that it provided me. I think a better way to say it is that I loved presenting as a female. It made me feel more comfortable and content in my skin. “This feels right but it’s wrong” kind of thing and it was very exciting but knowing it was temporary. Now it’s the opposite. “This is just normal for me” and to get into boy mode makes me feel like a fraud. Like I am tricking people into thinking I am a boy. It’s a crazy shift in my mental image of myself. Powerful. I am not sure if this is a normal progression that others have experienced but I would probably guess that it is. The boy is disappearing and she is dominating. Even though I have wanted this for so long it is causing me a bit of anxiety. Not much but it’s there. I feel like I’m losing myself in a weird way, almost like I don’t want him to disappear and I find myself trying to hold onto somethings. “He” is and was a great person and “she” will be too, but I just can’t help feeling a little sadness about wiping him out. He won’t be gone completely but let’s be honest about it, he is going away.  There are lots of friends that will miss him and all the memories that go along with his life. The people closest to me that I see all the time will have time to adjust and I will still see me, just different looking and acting more like a girl but, those that I haven’t seen will not even recognize me. Example: I ran into a friend the other day that I have not seen in 7 months. We know each other pretty well but we are not super close. We played poker together once a month and I would see him around at other events or parties. I went up to him last week and said “hello how are you doing? It’s good to see you.” He looked at me dumb founded. He had no idea who I was. I was not presenting female at all. I had to explain to him who I was! Then he was like oh hey you’ve changed did you lose weight? Yes, yes I have. He didn’t really know what to say and we just chitchated about little things, it was uncomfortable. I did not like it. Anyway this felt crapy to me and caused me to question what I was doing. I felt a strong desire to plan out a strategy for telling all my friends now so that when they do see me they won’t be thrown off. I haven’t done anything yet and I will contemplate on that for some time over the next month. I think early 2019 will be the year to come out to all. I just have to get the family foundation solid for that. I am also going to try another experiment 😉. Tonight I will go to a Christmas party and I will get in total dude mode. Nothing feminine and I will act like one of the boys. Making no conscious effort to be female. I am just going to be the old me. (If I can). I’ll let you know what happens and hopefully this will shed some light on where I am in my mind. Being transgender is such an amazing adventure. Definitely not boring 😊

Christy

Christy

 

Ironing Sheets

I used to wonder why my wife would take the time and trouble to iron pillow cases and sheets. Sure, they looked nice when folded in the closet and when first put on the bed. But in two seconds, they would be wrinkled again, and no one would know. But yesterday, I bought a new mattress and today it is being delivered, so I had to strip my old bed to get ready for the new one. Well. I might as well wash my sheets. I tried to use the wrinkle free setting on the dryer which seemed to work pretty well the last time I used it, but no so much this time. The sheets were pretty wrinkly. Not good. I decided it was time that maybe I ironed the sheets. As I did, several thoughts occurred to me. First of all, this was my wife’s “rice bowl” as it were. She had a very creased, tailored, button-down personality, and this was her way of expressing herself. It was her job to make sure that I left the house neat and sharp looking, and the household had to be the same. The second notion was that this was somewhat therapeutic, sort of like mowing the lawn. A sheet is a large expanse of fabric, but it is flat for the most part—contour sheets a little different—and pretty easy to do, unlike shirts which require more skill. I also found it to be very womanly and felt more feminine doing it for some reason. I enjoyed that. This is another step in my progression to live the last years of my life in an increasingly feminine fashion.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

Becky's Journey

I never thought I would every do anything like this and tell my story to complete strangers on a blog. I was born Brian and come from small town in England. Growing up I felt that I was trapped in the wrong body and also preferred to hang around girls. I started my transgender hormone therapy three years ago and in the summer  I had sex reassignment surgery and having my breast implants in January next year When I told my family and friends they were shocked but wanted me to be happy. I lost a few friends along the way and got called freak and weirdo by some people. My girlfriend at the time has now become my best friend and has been my rock over the past three years. She even came to the hospital when I was having my operation Work have been very support about it too and some the women said they will help me out with makeup tips and clothes shopping.  I got a nice a dress to wear on Christmas day as my first proper Christmas as Becky  

MissBecky

MissBecky

 

A Lot About Nothing

So, a while back I get this store credit from Ashley Furniture for $219. I think it was for a damaged sofa cushion that was long ago taken care of, but whatever. With a lot going on, I put it aside and almost forget about it. When I do look at it to see if it’s the real deal, it says that it expires on December 8, so if I’m going to use it, I better get busy. I could use a new area rug and maybe a runner. I don’t know where I got this in my head, but I was thinking it was for Rooms-to-Go, and I locate a store close to me. It’s a Friday afternoon, and RTG is in an area of town that I have never been. I figure I’ll check it out, and do a little more prospecting while I’m at it. It took a little doing—I drove right past it the first time—but I did find the store. I wanted to double check the credit letter before going in, and lo and behold, it said Ashley Furniture Home Store, not Rooms-to-Go! For dumb.! (Glad I didn’t go in.) It turns out that the nearest Ashley store is in Boca Raton. Well, that’s really not too far from me, and I was already out, so I decided to go for it. I get to the store and ask about runners—don’t have—and the rugs are on the floor. I think then that I could use a couple of new table lamps as mine seem to work intermittently despite my best efforts to replace the bulb sockets. After some looking, I find a modern looking lamp that I like and buy two of them. I go over my credit by $55, but what the hey. I figure I’ll pick them up in the morning as the warehouse is close to my dog groomer, and I have an appointment for the boys. When I get home, I try to find places to fit my new purchases and am not happy with what I am trying to figure out. When morning comes, I decide that it was not such a great deal after all, and I decide to cancel the whole thing. Not so easy. I did call and cancel, but since I combined the store credit with my credit card purchase, I had to go back to the store to get my credit card money back—not sure about this, but I went along. On the way to the store, I decided that if I am going to buy something, what I really need is a new mattress. This was way more than I had planned on spending, but it was something I did need—mine is over 25 years old, and I have been napping a lot lately. Maybe it was time. I got my same sales guy. I lay down on one mattress and thought it was okay. He said, not so fast. Take your time with a mattress purchase. Lie on each one for several minutes to let it adjust to your body. I must have spent at least 45 minutes doing just that, and I finally found a mattress that was in my price range that worked. It will be delivered tomorrow on Sunday of all things. I just got a text confirming the times. I am excited about getting a new bed. Oh, and I bought a pillow too. In for a penny, in for a pound. We’ll see if my sleep improves.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

What is Important in a Relationship

What is Important in a Relationship What I have noticed is that many people create their own loneliness either by not being mindful of what they are looking for in a partner or what they can offer to a partner. Many people think that love just "happens," to them ("you'll know you're in love when it happens to you," as my dear Mother used to say, may God rest her soul). Here's an example, based on my own life, and I recommend people to make such a list so they can be more aware of their needs: What I Can Bring To The Table Supportive personality Fiscally responsible Kind Faithful Committed Monogamous Understanding Not demanding Well-mannered Low maintenance Wide variety of interests Not materialistic Simple lifestyle Not looking for a "Sugar Mama" What My Needs Are Supportive personality No drama No smoking No drugging No heavy drinking Faithful Committed Monogamous Must understand I am on a budget Open to Living Apart Together (LAT) Am allergic to pets/tobacco smoke  My partner must be clean and dress neatly My partner must have the same degree of femininity (mid-butch) as me, or more feminine Basically, I could be with a wide range of women, rather than a "type," but they have to have an excellent CHARACTER. This is an example of writing it all down, instead of keeping it all in your head, so that you will have a more clear idea of what you can offer others in a relationship and what is important to you in a relationship.  

MonicaPz

MonicaPz

 

Life is an adventure. Still learning.

Wow what a great trip. To be honest I really didn’t want to go but I agreed only because my wife wanted to go. What was I thinking!?   Well I’m back now and warm and snuggly lying on my couch wrapped up in a fleece blanket. Ummmm😊. It was quite chilly up there but I loved it. I was able to wear my favorite style the whole time, tight jeans with leggings underneath for warmth a tight thin thermal top with a v neckline and a form fitting sweater or turtleneck. Cute and sexy. Just a bit. The only thing I didn’t have was a pair of great boots but hey I’ll survive till next time.    I had the best time. I got up early every morning and went for a run/walk listening to music. I explored most of the city watching it wake up as the sunrise seemed to pull everyone out of bed. It was very peaceful early in the morning and then interesting to watch the busy bees go off to work, tourists off to see the site and history of this city. Boston is probably one of my favorite cities. The city is clean and friendly with some fantastic architecture. There are also great sections of the city that have there own vibe and are all fairly close to each other making it very interesting to go on a walk about. Little cafes, shops and restaurants make for great pit stops and art everywhere. I found some yoga studios for the next time I come back. It wasn’t sunny everyday but even a little rain was not going to stop me plus the run helps keep my legs and butt looking good. 😊   We met family and friends and toured a college campus for my oldest one. It was a great to see everyone. I was so happy that they drove all the way to Boston to see us. I told my sister awhile back that l was transgender and this was the first time that she saw me in a year. I was dressed in nice tight jeans with a sweater and vest and a cute knit hat (again). No one else knew about me being transgender but everyone was great and told me that I looked really good. So that’s nice 🙂. My sister checked out my body changes a bit and was shocked at how I have changed. In a good way. We all had a nice time and ended with a meal together. Later we went back to the hotel to rest for a bit then off we went. Dinner and a show. We had a wonderful dinner with my wife’s aunt who is about my age. The meal was fantastic and the restaurant is one of my wife’s favorites. There were many customers going to the show as well and it was fun to observe all the fancy attire. I did find myself comparing my choice in clothing to other women dressed in a similar fashion. My wife’s aunt was definitely checking me out and I don’t think she knows what is going on but I could tell she was curious. Especially the boobs. Lol. We headed to the show “Hamilton” which is not really my thing but I went for my family. It was important to my wife. Well I really enjoyed it and got tears in my eyes at one point (estrogen at work). I had to hold the tears back because I didn’t want my eyeliner to smudge😬. (I need water proof I guess) Overall the play was great and the opera house was stunning. The woman that played his wife had the most beautiful voice, like an angel. A nice walk back after the show talking about what we all enjoyed the most and observing the city life around us. Then off to bed. Ahh. Up before everyone and hit the streets again for a couple of hours. Then to the gym for stretching, a bit of yoga and meditation followed by a long steam. I could get used to this routine in life 😘. Then I would wake the family and go down the hallway for breakfast. Refreshed and ready for the next adventure. That would be my routine every morning. We went to all the usual places (science museum, Quincy market, aquarium, historic trails etc.) and explored the city as a family. It was great to teach the kids about history and how to navigate around a metropolitan area. Shopping was fun as well with great little shops around every corner. One night we went down the street to a restaurant/bar and the staff turned out to be transgender friendly. 😊 They had an arcade, pool tables, shuffle board and bowling in a nightclub atmosphere. Black lights and cool colorful lights everywhere, disco balls but dark and hip. We all loved it. They had a deejay booth and played great music from all eras. The bowling lanes were like a dance floor! After 10pm you have to be 21 to get in but because we were already in they let us stay with the kids. The kids thought that was awesome. My wife had a few drinks and she started to loosen up and not worry about the trans stuff. I and the kids were having a blast together and she joined in quickly. She even said that this was the most fun we have had together in a long time. She was happy and just loved it. I could be me and she was okay with that. We stayed there all night and somewhere as the evening went on she realized that we were all going to be alright as a family. She was okay with the transgender me. Still a fun person, still a warm hearted cat, still a great dad and there was still an attraction and love for one another😊. WOW. I didn’t see that coming. The only time that her eyebrows went up was when I was changing clothes for bed and walked out into the room with just leggings and a lite sweater on with my hair back after washing my face. (I love that look) She was a bit fearful that the kids would question me on it. So I dialed it back for her. I also think she might be just a bit jealous about how good I looked. She is trying to lose a bit of weight. I need to keep that in mind in the future.    We spent the next couple of days building on that night with other events like a movie and Celtics game. We held hands quite a bit and I didn’t have to always initiate it. Her aunt took a picture of us on the first night walking to the play, we all had our arms locked together at the elbows. It was organic and we didn’t know she took the picture. When she sent it to my wife I could see how much it meant to her and I felt the same way. I told her how much I loved her and that I was never going to leave her. We both kissed with tears welling up in our eyes. Wow what a beautiful moment. I also thanked her for being so patient and having the courage to face her fears about what life might be like in future. Life is what you make of it and I am still learning to embrace the new adventure being transgender has provided me. I intended to live it with my mind and eyes wide open. I don’t regret the past, I live in the moment and the future is an exciting mystery. 😍   Never give up on your dreams.    Live love learn....😍   Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Sewing Anyone?

Black Friday or Viernes Negro as they say here. Interesting day.  Aren’t they all from here on in. I hadn’t planned on going out today. I did my second coat of Kilz II in the bathroom and front door. Then, I got to sewing or at least altering. I managed to get the machine working again and hemmed up one t-shirt. I also got halfway through a nightshirt that I am making into a dress when my thread got hung up in the machine. I tried to fix it myself and only ended up removing a button from the side of the machine which didn’t help. So, I didn’t want to damage the expensive Pfaff and did the best thing which was to take it to Cynthia’s for cleaning and repair. Cynthia was conducting a class, so she was unable to work with me, but another lady named Susan was more than helpful. She showed me several things about the machine and wrote up my ticket for cleaning. She actually got the thread out, and the button turned out to be a thread cutter on which she cut her finger. I casually mentioned that I needed to take a class myself, and on the way out she gave me the information. I also mentioned it to Cynthia who was enthusiastic about me joining. So, now it looks like I am going to take a sewing class which I desperately need. I just don’t know what I tell Cynthia and the other ladies. Why am I learning how to sew? Well, you see I am a transgender person and I want to make ladies’ clothing that will fit my male body. Duh!  Not sure how that will fly. First class is on December 8. I’ll think of something.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

Opening Up

Although I have shared my coming out over the past week, I wanted to write a little more about it here. It has been almost a year and a half since my wife died, and I became free to express my feminine side, albeit secretly. In the process, I have been able to share my evolution with the online community of sisters and have received much-needed support and encouragement along the way. Thank you. Recently, however, I have increasingly felt that I need to open up about my secret life to some of the people close to me. It began a week ago with lunch with my lady friends from my previous employment and continued yesterday when I opened up to my sister. Both instances were very positive and encouraging. I truly feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel like a new person with a new life. I have no immediate plans to come out to any additional family members at this point. If they find out, that's okay. I'll deal with it. I don't have anything to hide, and I'm happy with who I am. The journey continues.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

Off to bean town

Well I’m off to bean town and this will be great. We are doing a family bonding trip before thanksgiving and have a lot of fun things planned. I will also be seeing my sister, who I haven’t seen since last year. I told her that I was transgender on coming out day. I am so excited to see her. I will also be seeing my brother, sister in-law, nephew and an aunt. I may come out to my brother but I’ll have to gauge that at the moment. I personally would just tell everyone but I have to respect my wife. I can’t wait to wear some winter clothes too. I’m going to girl it up just a bit around my kids to see how they react. I’m trying to slowly get them used to seeing a more feminine side of me. I bought some cute turtleneck sweaters and some leggings. I should go and buy some girl cross boots 🥾 but we will see. I am also going to bring an earring for my one pierced ear from years ago. I will also wear a bit of eyeliner. I know it sounds silly but I am so excited to go. I feel so alive! I can’t even remember the last time I was so excited to go somewhere without some sort of anxiety. Wow what a beautiful feeling. 😍

Christy

Christy

 

Baby Steps

It has been a while since I have been here, so I need to bring this blog up-to-date. I think I was in the process of selling my house when I last wrote. We went to closing on October 2, so that is a done deal. In the meanwhile, I bought an older mobile home in a 55+ senior park and am completing my second month here. At this writing, all is going well, and I am happy with my decisions. The park is safe and quiet. Well, I am somewhat near the railroad tracks, but I have gotten used to the trains. The bed does rumble a little when the trains go by, but it's like having a vibrating bed, and I have gotten used to it. The neighbours are nice, and pretty much keep to themselves which I appreciate being somewhat of a recluse. I actually feel more comfortable wearing more feminine clothing in my early morning outings with my puppies. I do run into an occasional fellow dog walker, but it's dark and early and nobody seems to mind at that hour.  So, this brings me to my news for the day. As I may have mentioned, I have been a secret cross-dresser, transgender sissy for all my life. During this past year since my wife died, I have been able to express myself more fully at home which has been good, but I still present male to the outside world. That will probably be the case for the foreseeable future as I would have a hard time at t his point working as a female. I'm just not ready. But, I do have some female friends from my previous work at PACE Center for Girls. I had lunch with two of them last year, and today, we met again for lunch. I made up my mind, that I would let them know that I had a feminine side and was transgender. I was somewhat nervous and apprehensive about doing it, but I needed to be open and honest with them about my true self. As it turned out, they were very accepting and sympathetic, and I felt so relieved to finally open up to the outside world. We hope to meet again soon as we all had a good time. Next time, I will officially be one of the "girls." Maybe even do a little dressing. They already want to call me Michelle. What fun!

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

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