Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers.
Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing;
A daily journal about your life and experiences
A journal documenting when you go full time
A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
Dating experiences and tips
Experience with makeup
Passing in public
Your experiences when you go out in public
Transitioning at work
Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
Introspection about your particular gender identity
Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
Dealing with addictions
Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
Interactions with police or government workers
Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
Applying for jobs
Your big day, when you go full time
Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
Experiences with electrolysis
How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
Poetry or prose
These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone.
Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
My wife started talking about our relationship and her feelings the other day. This was of course great and I pretty much just listened. Shoving peanut butter in my mouth seems to help with that. 😉. One thing she mentioned that was bothering her was: “your always on your phone or iPad, it’s like your not even here. Your just as bad as the kids”. What!....no I’m not. I started to get defensive but I caught myself quickly. Trying to come up with some elaborate logical ideas for me being on my phone I racked my brain. “Well I do watch a lot of seminars on YouTube you know, I have been learning a great deal about many topics” HA. Then I started telling her about telomeres at the end of the DNA strand which might be a key to the aging problem. Which is true by the way. I really do like to learn about all kinds of stuff rather then watch CSI or Big Bang theory or some other mindless show. Don’t get me wrong I do like some of those shows but only to decompress. Anyway, I stopped myself in mid stream and said “I didn’t realize I was doing that and I’ll be more aware of it from now on”. I have been pretty good so far but it made me think of something I read in “the gendered self”. I was re-reading it this morning and pow! Page 73,74. She wrote the following:
A little-known fact about both sexes migrating to living in the opposite gender role is that no matter what the direction of transition, transitioners seem to undergo a “second adolescence.” There is a marked retro shift in behavior from the adult they chronologically are toward temporarily acting more like a teenage boy or a teenage girl.
This second adolescence seems more marked for male-to-female individuals. Like cisgendered teenage girls, MTFs become very self-centered, are overly concerned with their appearance and often spend hours on the phone or online talking to others going through a similar experience. Spouses staying with their partners through the process complain about this frustrating aspect of the transition more than any other. Behavior befitting a teenage girl does not seem to sit well with a significant other when practiced by a 40- or 50-year-old partner.
Crap. That’s me. I’m a teenage girl! Or acting like one anyway. Busted. So, I have set up time for everything. Time management. But I just can’t help myself sometimes. Lol 😂 On the plus side I understand my kids a bit more so that is cool.
I didn’t see any of this coming....what’s next I get cranky once a month? Sometimes I can be a bit of an mule.
life is great and what an adventure!
So it’s been a big week for this kid 🧒 I had my wife go to therapy with me. Then she made her own appointment for 2 days later and that went well also. She is talking to me more about life in general, and just a bit of GID stuff. Cool 😎. Then I went to a meeting for the first time ever with my parents. That went pretty well considering they have had no contact with transgender people. (That they were aware of). So heck we are on a roll! Why not come out to my sister! So I did. I called her with the intent to just talk and cheer her up, she was down on Saturday when we were texting. I haven’t spent much time on the phone with her lately and wanted to catch up anyway. We were talking about regular life subjects and she has also been aware of my drinking and how it effected my marriage. As a side note the drinking issue disappeared completely after opening up and excepting that I was transgender. Hrt helped as well. That’s huge. The marriage also improved. My sister started asking questions about the relationship and as I was filling her in. I found myself having to be vague about things. Namely the stress load my wife is under. I didn’t like the way it was making me feel so I just told her. She went silent for a second probably because I am a bit of a jokester but then realized I was being serious. I gave her the whole rundown on my life and how it effected me. It all went very well as I figured it would because she is a strong lbgt supporter. She actually started to cry at one point because she felt so bad that I had to endure so much pain for so long. I let her know I appreciated her empathy and it was making me emotional. Then I told her to cut it out. I am finally happy with myself and everything else had to happen. I have a beautiful life and a beautiful family. Even if we don’t stay together we will be just fine in the long run. I think the thing that really hit home with her was the fact that I had to except the fact that in order to be free I might lose everything I love. She seemed to reflect on that for a bit. Honestly it went as well as I could hope for. I sent her some information to help her get a better understanding of what this all means and will follow up with her tomorrow. She said “I always wished I had a sister”. Well you kind of got your wish. We both laughed. I know she will have a fare amount of questions in the future and I am looking forward to that. So all in all, it was really great week and I feel proud of how far I come but I always know that life has it ups and downs. This has also had a little side effect that I didn’t see coming, the desire to present in a more feminine manner has increased. I like that. Also today when I got out of the shower and saw myself in the mirror as I always do there was something different. Maybe it’s just in my head but I looked more female than male. I really had to stop and look. My legs, my butt, hips, waist, ribs, chest, arms, neck, face and hair. Wow. I was starting to see the future me. I think? Anyway it really made my day and probably is why I wanted to dress it up a notch. Now.....who can I tell next?
So, the Pflag meeting (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) went well. They should add a T in there but hey who am I to mess with the system. I have been to this meeting before and there are some really great people there. I wanted to give my parents a chance to see and meet some other parents as well as some transgender people. They have been asking for guidance. It is a diverse group and I see some of the individuals at other groups. Everyone is really nice. Except when they start spitting fire at the right then it gets ugly. Anyway, my mom was noticeably uncomfortable from the moment I saw them in the parking lot. I pulled them aside and said that they didn't have to go or they could leave at anytime but she insisted on going. She asked very nervously "What should we call you?" so I explained that they could refer to me how ever they like. It doesn't matter to me at all. "you can't make any mistakes with me, he, she, her, him it just doesn't bother me in the least." "I'll let you know when and if it ever does become important, but for know just relax." Some people will care about their pronouns but they will let you know what they want. "even if you make a mistake with someone else they will understand because you are just learning all this stuff." They get it. My dad on the other hand was completely fine with everything. Totally cool and was engaged in the conversations. My mom could barely speak which is not like her at all. Remember they have had zero experience with the LGBTQ++4.0-bitrgx community. They are very nice people and my mom spends all her time helping other people. She really does more than anyone I have ever met. She was raised Catholic and still goes to church every week. I was raised Catholic but I don't believe in a punishing God and will only go with her once and a while because it makes her happy. I am a very spiritual person though and I hold nothing against the churches of the world at all. I let that one go a long long long time ago. The majority of the people are good. My dad was raised in the same fashion. Both of their lives were dealt a heavy duty blow very young and the trauma for both of them was and still is great. They are troopers though and looked inside themselves to find the strength to get through life and what a great job they did. Dad will not go into a church anymore except when it is super important for my mom, but the fear that he may just catch on fire is still present. LOL My father doesn't really judge anyone, unless they are doing something really stupid that will cause undo harm. My mom will. All the time. Everyday. but she is oblivious to this fact no matter how many times my siblings and I have tried to help her in this matter. Years and years. I'm the only one that has not given up on her and she is getting closer to seeing this. So this was a big moment for her...know wonder she was sooo fearful. She was going to have to take a close look at her judgements and the first one was great. We walked into the room (mom all shy) and some of my friends were already sitting around chatting. I went and said hello and then introduced them to my parents. One friend is 6'8" tall and very masculine in voice and appearance but she is super nice and she talked with me at some of my first meetings. Nice girl, and she is still married so I was asking some questions on that when we met. One of my other friends is about a year and a half into her transition and looks really good but still obviously male, great make up still working on the pitch but still married as well. Another one that is 19 and wants to tear down the walls of injustice because she has it figured out and drapes the LGBTQ++4.0-bitrgx Flag over herself like a military suit. She is nice as well but just young and I am worried that she is going to piss off the wrong people very soon as she gets bolder. Seriously, I am worried for her. My dad met everyone with a "hey nice to meet ya" kind of greeting and my mom just said hello. Oh yeah, they were both dressed very nicely like they were going out to a fancy restaurant while everyone else is very casual. I told them to come casual but.... My dad was a bit taken back by my big friend, kind of like holy shi.. wow but "hey nice to meet ya." My mom was like a little church mouse, prim and proper always making sure to smile and be kind. We all shared how we came out and what it was like and then the other parents gave there point of view on their experiences. Today is national coming out day so that was the topic. The meeting ended and there was a cake for the young rebel who was celebrating a year since coming out as TG but my parents were out the door quickly. I walked them out and had a long talk with them outside for awhile trying to help them understand some things. My parents did very well for their first meeting and said they will come back for the next one. I also explained that everyone is different and transition means different things for different people. "I am me, and you know who I am on the inside" so don't confuse me with others. Please. They said they would support me no matter what and will always be there for me with nothing but love. So, that's cool. It's going to take some time for both of them to wrap their heads around this but we will work on that. I'm sure my mother was preying for me last night and today. Cool by me. I will post about what happens in the future. NEXT up....well it is coming out day so I guest I'll call my sister. I am pretty nervous about this but it should go fine. I was hoping to do it in person but that doesn't seem like it will workout. I'm not going to push it I guess, I will just start with a Hello and go from there.😍
Christy or maybe.....Kerry? That's another story.
So I’ve been trying my best to get out of my own way. I took some advice from people here and from my therapist. I was having a hard time letting go of my own desire to make my marriage work. My wife had become very quiet and she was avoiding me in little ways. This started to make me anxious. Oh no she is going to call it quits!? I calmed myself down and remembered what everyone was telling me. Give her space. She needs time. She is transitioning too. Yes, I understand all of that and agree but it was tough for me to let go. So I used some tools that I’ve picked up along the way and finally let go. Truly let go. It was a relief and kind of sad as well because a piece of me felt like I was giving up on my marriage. I stuck with it, working out all the bugs in my own head. Well most of them anyway. Time went by. Then on Monday my wife asked if she could come to my therapy appointment. Wow 😮. Yes of course you can I would love for you to join me. Then we talked about the things she has been thinking about and I just listened letting her know that I was paying close attention to what she was saying. I added a couple of my thoughts but mostly just listing. This is difficult for me as I am a chatter box but I’ve been working on that as well. I have spent a lot of time working on the family relationships getting my kids to open up about their lives and my parents as well. All that work has been paying off amazingly and everyone seems to be doing really good. I hate calling it work by the way. Anyway, I think my wife is finally starting to realize that this is not going away so she took a step down an unknown road full of fear. When I met her at the therapist office she was panicking and I could see she was scared. I reassured her that everything was going to be okay and if she wanted to leave at any point she could. I would understand. She stayed and we had one of the most honest talks ever. She was open, I was open and the therapist interjected at seemingly just the right time. It was great, by the end she was feeling better and she actually made her own appointment to help her with the stress. She is there right now! She had been so worried that I was going to start talking about being transgender at any moment that she couldn’t be close to me. So she just pulled away and kept herself busy with other things. She said that even watching tv was a problem because there were transgender issues all over the place. News, tv shows etc. We both started laughing and being able to see humor in it helped a lot. She understands that she is hyper sensitive to the topic but was also amazed at how she glossed over transgender content before. Never really taking notice. I think a lot of people are like that. We also set some ground rules for ourselves, you have to ask before bringing it up. If the other person says no, then the conversation must wait until they are open to it. This set her mind at ease. So thanks to you all! You have helped me greatly and get this...I leave in a bit for a PFlag group meeting with my parents! Wow! I am a bit nervous about that but hey I’m going. I’ll let you know how that turns out. 😍 This will be the first time they see a tiny bit of Christy so I am going to girl it up just a hair. I want them to be as comfortable as possible. What a night!😊
The Headlines Are As Stunning As They Are Frequent
An article by Corrine Goodwin for "The GayJournal Magazine"
"Trump's transgender military ban 'worse than don't ask, don't tell,' advocates say."
U.S. rolls back protections for transgender prison inmates
Trump administration dismantles LGBT-friendly policies
Health care new front for transgender rights under Trump
In fact, the only thing that seems to happen more frequently than these headlines are the tweets emanating from the White House. The result is that almost every time I log-on to my computer or turn on my phone I prepare myself for the worst.
Surround yourself with people who will cheer you on!
It's More Than the Political Climate
It goes beyond the politics of Trump and LGBTQ issues. You can't turn on the TV or the radio without hearing about the latest Hollywood scandal or sports star who has run amok. If you pick up the local paper you read about corrupt business people and politicians. But the worst - without a doubt - is Facebook and the ongoing barrage of memes and articles.
I, of course, am a guilty party. I post news articles (I hope from legitimate news sites) and like the occasional snarky meme. But what I have learned not to do is to lull myself into thinking I am going to change anyone's mind about issues in that forum. Long ago, I discovered that no matter how many responses I might write to a post that I disagree with I am not going to suddenly gain a convert.
The result of all this bad news can be challenging. I see it during our Renaissance Transgender Support Group meetings (www.renaissancelv.org) during social events, in emails, phone conversations and, of course, on Facebook - feelings of despair, powerlessness and even depression. Some people cope by ignoring the issues. Some simply become numb to it all. Other individuals focus on the fight. But in all of these cases I see one thing in common - a lack of optimism.
Don't Dwell on Problems - Instead Find People Who Will Help You to Win!
While not inevitable, a better future is possible. Working together we can build it and shape it. But in order to do so we need to surround ourselves with good people - people who will cheer us on.
Cheerleaders are everywhere if you look for them. They tend to be future-focused, positive in their outlook, happy with themselves, they work to overcome challenges, and they find ways to enrich their lives. They are people that will inspire you to be a better person, provide you with motivation to achieve your goals, empower you to make the changes you need to succeed and cheer on your successes.
They may be family members, friends, coworkers, or even the server you see every week at your local coffee shop or neighborhood bar.
How Do You Find Cheerleaders?
One answer is to exude a sense of optimism yourself. If you show a sense of optimism and positivity people will be attracted to you. Another tactic is to get active. Seek out causes that get you energized. Try to make a positive difference each day - even if it is with just one person. For me, I get positive feelings from teaching others and volunteering.
By the way, cheerleaders don't have to have similar interests or goals as you. In fact - hanging with too manly people who have the same worldview can be suffocating. Instead, seek out diversity while looking for positive influences.
Pride Season - The Perfect Time to Start
Speaking of diversity and positivity, your local Pride Festival is a great place to find your cast of cheerleaders. You will be surrounded by people who understand and empathize with the struggles and challenges being a LGBTQ person and you will find that many of them have overcome adversity. That means that you can learn from their journeys and experience while taking in the sights and sounds of our wonderfully diverse community
So, during your next Pride even, look around. Cheerleaders are everywhere. Seek them out. Let them know how much you appreciate them. Then, get active and make a difference!
Our "Inner Circle". A comment about inner circle recently that caused me to ponder further the meaning of the "inner circle" that each of us have. I have heard of this term throughout my life of 64 years, and also pondered it's meaning to me. My inner circle presumably is comprised of my true self, my thoughts, actions, expectations, goals, fears, regrets, my coping mechanisms, accomplishments and failures, those good and bad things in my own psyche, judged only by my own mind. I guard mine closely from attack from outside sources, other people, society, etc., because it is not considered "normal" by others' standards or there own "inner circle", nor exactly coincide with society' norms. No one's inner circle can be totally congruent with anyone else's and certainly not society as a whole. Yet a common theme in self acceptance therapies seems to be to allow people into your inner circle to achieve happiness and piece of mind. I don't believe that anyone will ever totally enter my inner circle; oh, I may allow others to approach it, but most will never get very close, a very few may. The closest to it was my wife. but she never really stepped into it because she never knew of my dysphoria. The opportunity for that, unfortunately, has passed.
As I continue on life, others will approach my inner circle but truly they will not be permitted in, unless I believe they are worthy of it and a very high level of trust is formed. That is not a bad thing, just a reality in preserving my self worth and being and general happiness. While I hope someone may come closer than my wife did, none ever may and I'd be good with that, too. I'm at peace with my inner circle and that is what matters.
Tomorrow I start Therapy again. Its been a few years since I went to a therapist. With everything I have had on my plate it's a good thing for me to go. I need to have someone to talk with that isn't in my daily life. Well Heck that would be anyone lol since I don't talk to anyone at all daily. I am very withdrawn from society and people in general. Everyone in my life has always been so mean. I seem to attract mean and selfish users. Anyways I am hoping this will help me begin to realize I am fine. I am who I am. And maybe help me get to where I need to be.
After all these weeks and months, I finally made the move. My house actually was under contract by the end of August, and, as I wrote before, I found a mobile home for the princely sum of $15,000. I put $5,000 down to take possession and started moving in during September. I made the final move on October 1. The closing was October 2, and the money was in the bank--big sigh of relief. I have spent the past week unpacking an making a home for myself. So far, I couldn't be happier. I didn't realize how much I needed to make a break from the past and be my own man/woman. The mobile home park is a 55+ and quiet. I met one neighbor a couple of days ago when she came over to offer me dinner--I begged off. Her boyfriend is back now, so maybe I'm off the hook for now. I can't exactly parade around in my finery, at least not as yet. It's pretty quiet at 5 in the morning when I walk the dogs. I will get braver. Right now, I just feel good, and that's all that matters. Hope everyone is doing well. Hugs and Kisses.
I think names are significant. I don't particularly care for labels, however. But names we like, names we choose, those that "sound" good to us often have much meaning as to where we've been, whom we've met , where we want to go, what appeals to us, and what we would like to be, and says a lot about our own perception of our personality.
One of the first realizations that we are going to transition comes to us when we choose a name. Some of us choose early in life, some later in life, but most often the names we choose appeal to us in a peaceful and self-content sort of way and carry us through a lifetime and end up being a permanent part of us when we first decide to transition and through our transition. It is a name we choose to become and love within our minds, not one that is given to us at birth.
I chose Jessica. And I chose it early on in life and has more or less stuck with me for more than 55 years. Oh, I've considered others on occasion, but always returned to Jessica as my name. Why??? I'm not really sure. Perhaps back in 4th grade it comes from a crush on a girl named Jessica who liked to be called Jess, too. It was just a crush, mind you, long before the onset of puberty for both of us. I didn't know her well, she was not in any of my classes, but we both looked forward to going to the lunch cafeteria and talking together while we had our 30 minute lunch. She was awesome to me, I liked her, she liked me and we loved talking to each other. Well we moved onto 5th grade and never had the opportunity to talk again, but I still liked the names Jessica and Jess. To me it sounds feminine, maybe it was my first realization of the differences between masculinity and femininity.
Funny thing happened last Wednesday! Went to my dentist and had a great time, which is not something you would typically expect when you have a dentist appointment. I sat in the waiting room for some 20 minutes and discreetly, and I say discreetly, because I don't want to creep anyone out, was taking a mental note of other woman's mannerisms in the waiting room, when the dentist's assistant called me in. She was new, never saw her before, and she warned me she was new at this, asking me to bear with her. She was very nervous, but had a great personality, we got along great, as I helped her with the placement of the plates for each x-ray. I told her to take her time, I have my whole life ahead of me and I intend to enjoy it.. Have had a lot of experience at the dentist.
When my dentist came in to review the x-rays, she said to the dentist that I should be named the patient of the year and I told the dentist when I come back for my work I wanted her to assist. Now I always try to remember names of people I meet and when I can't I'm not shy in asking again someone's name. So I'm getting ready to leave and I ask, I'm sorry I didn't get your name? She said, "Oh, I'm sooo sorry! My name's Jessica, You can call me Jess!" I should have figured that one out☺️
So when you create a blog and you want it to have the same photo as a cover for all your posts....you need to click on the add photo when you first create the blog do this after the description of the blog. I think this is correct.
Some call it "Dark Night of the Soul" (I think it's a poem) but it's the same thing. Ever get that way? Empty. Lost. Alone. Searching. I guess it could manifest differently in others but these are what I feel. It's not clinical depression. I've been down that path. This is different.
I had a dream about 6 months ago.
It was about a friend that committed suicide but before she departed she let me feel what she felt.
I woke up stunned. I had perfect clarity as to why she did it and I thought that I would do it too if I felt like that.
But then, because of this dream, I realized that I did feel like that. Despairing. Hopeless. Alone.
I tried to shake it off. I went shopping for frivolous things. Anything actually.
Still stunned, I returned home.
I sat in front of my computer.
Then I broke down into uncontrollable sobbing. It was overwhelming. I could not breathe. I needed help.
My wife was not home. I called her, still sobbing uncontrollably. I managed to tell her everything and she talked me into a calm state. I love her so much.
But I was forever changed.
I recalled the dream to my therapist, crying as I did so.
She gave me guidance. She put me on her suicide watch. I didn't blame her.
Next session my therapist asked who the girl in my dream was.
She nodded understandingly then she used her considerable expertise to bring me back from this abyss.
It was months before I was able to move on from that experience.
But still, I was forever changed.
This is true.
The "midnight of the soul" I'm currently going through is nothing like that dream but it makes me think of it.
It reminds me that I have been forever changed.
I'm posting this in the hopes that it may help someone.
I've talked a little bit about the type of upbringing I had. It was not a pleasant one. When I was 18 I went thru 2 traumatic events within a day and a half of each other. After being abused my whole life and then that, I snapped. I started getting high. At first it was small stuff. Grass mainly. Then that didn't cut it. So I started doing other things. Blow, angel dust, acid, x, and many other things. I even tried molly and black tar. Both scared the ever living *expletives deleted* out of me. I never smoked black tar again, but I was stupid enough to to go skiing a couple more times. There was a guy I paired up with. We would always pool our money together to get the "good stuff". We got our money from many criminal activities. I'm not sure if I can name them here, but I'm sure you know what they are. If we didn't have the money for the good stuff we would go to the grocery store and pick up a certain item to get high. This item would send you flying for 3 days straight with just a little bit of use. The scariest part about it was the crash. You didn't come down gradually like you do with kush. Imagine an airplane flying along. It stops at one point and just drops faster than the speed of light straight down. The crash off this item could easily kill, if not physically then mentally. I've seen many people end up in mental institutions off one use of this because of the crash.
There was an old house that we stayed in with a lot of other junkies. If someone was to pass me something I wasn't familiar with, or I was too high to recognize, I only had 2 questions. "How do I take it" and "How long until it kicks in". There was no power or running water. So it was lit by candle light. Candles were always stolen. Money was for drugs.
I'm sure you're wondering how it was that I got clean.
My friend ( I swear to the Gods I don't remember his name) and I were coming down off something, and I have no idea what it was. I was strung out on the couch. He was standing up in front of me talking. All of a sudden he got this really weird look on his face. He was dead before he hit the ground. I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life, before or since. And I doubt I ever will again.
Watching him die hit me like a locomotive. I quit right then and there, cold turkey. Quitting that way was a stupid idea. I didn't go to rehab, because I was scared that I would go to prison for the things I had done to get money to get high. I lived in any kind of shelter I could find that people weren't getting high in. Most of the time I was so sick I puked up everything in my stomach, and when that was all gone, I puked up the stomach acid. If I wasn't sick I was in so much physical pain I wanted to die. Just to get away from that pain. I'm not going to lie, I relapsed a few times. Just for a release from the sickness and pain. It took me almost 2 years to get clean the way I did, and I barely survived. How I survived I don't know.
I lost 2 years of my life. I get bits and pieces here and there from that time, but almost nothing. That's 2 years I'll never get back. Plus the 2 years it took me to get clean. So make that 4 years. And there's no telling how many years have been taken off my life. With all the chemicals I put in my body It's very possible I may not make it to 40 and I'm 36 right now.
I still have flashbacks. Here and there, My mind goes completely blank, and I'm high again, even though I haven't touched anything. Not even alcohol.
For somewhere around 10 years after I got clean I was so terrified of drugs I wouldn't even take an Advil if I had a headache. I would just deal with the pain until it went away on it's own.
People I knew got married, some had kids, and some passed. Yet I didn't know and missed it all because I was too damn high. I stopped existing. Where was I? I don't know, and most likely never will. And to be honest, I don't even want to.
So if you're getting high, take my story so that it hits you like a brick to get yourself clean. If you aren't getting high, let this be a reminder of why to never try it. Getting high is lethal. It can and will kill you eventually. Or it may be someone you love that dies. But there will be a life lost. And it's due to your drug abuse.
Another sign from the Universe!
This happened not to long after the event in my previous blog post. There had been enough time for me to really think about the desire to be female and what this meant to me. I still had no idea that people could transition from male to female. I knew nothing about HRT or surgeries except that maybe some people just cut it off with some form of stitched up hole. I know that sounds crude but it was the truth. I tried to learn more from the library but I didn’t feel comfortable to ask for help so I just fumbled around without much success. In the meantime, I was pushing for all male with muscles and I was ripped. I was terrified that my roommates would figure out my secret and then tell everyone back home, making it impossible for me to return. What would my family think? Friends? Crap…no way. I was very cautious and I started to distance myself from acting as well which is a shame because I really enjoyed it. I belonged to the BH playhouse for a while to expand my range and practice. I had a shell around me that I had built up over the years and it was thick. My acting coach was pushing me to open up but I was too afraid and I fought her on it. I also didn’t really know how to. One day she was able to get me to open up just a bit during an exercise in class. I was supposed to walk in circles in front of the class and present all the emotions I could think of. Reflect on my life and show those emotions to the world. My Coach “Joselin” (I’m pretty sure that was her name) was pushing me as I walked the circle. “Show me Joy, sad, fear”, she said as I circled the stage. My circle was becoming wider and wider with every loop. Then she yelled “show me anger!” Boom. What came out of me was complete rage to the point that it scared her and the others in the class. To be honest, it scared the crap out of me as well. The crazy thing is I really enjoyed it. I felt some sort of control and release that was new to me and that scared me the most. She told me after class how well I did and how powerful my performance was. “Great job”. I never went back and I never took another act gig. I was terrified of what might come out and I needed to protect my secret at all costs. So, I focused on really dangerous stuff like riding my motorcycles around the canyons and up the PCH at ridiculous speeds. Riding Mulholland hwy. (which is really just a twisty 2 lane road on the mountain range) at speeds so fast that the hot race tires slid across hot pavement which I didn’t even think was possible. But there I was fighting my demons the only way I knew how too. I had to concentrate so hard on riding that I couldn’t think about anything else, it was extreme focus that gave me a super endorphin rush. I then started stunt work. Why not. After taking some stunt jobs and making my way into the super macho men’s world, where guys where tough as nails and could kick butt I was feeling like yeah this will work. This is my path, still in the entertainment business with all the perks but none of the crap. Great. That is when the universe laid another one at my feet. I was still working at night in a club as a Bouncer/Bartender/Waiter/Manager to make ends meet as I built up more stunt jobs and my roommate worked at the same club. I had the night off and was just planning to hang out at home and my roommate was working so cool I will just relax. After he got off work early he called me. “Dude, Dude you have to come down here now. There are 2 super-hot girls in the club from Las Vegas and they want to hang out but I need a wing man for the blonde one. She is smokin!” he screamed into the phone. I said no but he droned on about how I can’t let him down “You owe me dude” which I did. So, I agreed to go down and check it out but if she wasn’t “Smokin” I was going to be pissed. I get to the club to meet up with them. He was not lying they were really beautiful and I was feeling like this is going to be a good night. They were both very nice and I was having a nice time with them but something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something. All the other guys were hitting on them as well but no one really stepped on my toes, they were just flirting. The more we hung out the more I started to think there was something off about her but she was so beautiful. Nobody else seemed to notice anything weird so I rolled with it and was excited about what might happen. Then someone from work asked if I could lend a hand with someone at the door so I excused myself for a minute. When I was helping out, another girl from work pointed out that the blonde girl is a transsexual show girl from Las Vegas that has fully changed her sex. I don’t remember how she knew but she knew all about her. Another girl said no way! I was like holy crap and I was so excited about it. That explains it and I wanted to ask a million questions but no. That was it for me I had to leave. So, I politely excused myself told my buddy I was leaving and went home. This whole time at the club was about an hour. I could take no chances that anyone finds out that I really wanted to be her. I was too afraid. I was so pissed at myself for leaving, for being weak, for not having the courage. I went home, did a couple of shots, smoked some buds and convinced myself that I made the correct decision. Over. Done. I’ll never see them again anyway. I was just about to hop in bed when the front door flies open and there they are in my kitchen. My roommate brought them home! Shi…..! Now I am all buzzed and relaxed so I proceed to hang out with them. They were doing shots and smoking weed and we had a blast. Then the blonde girl asked me if I would take her up to the roof pool to check out the view and smoke a bowl as the other two went into the bedroom. I said sure. So, there I was sitting on a lounge chair next to this beautiful woman with our legs rubbing smoking a bowl of weed. Good smooth weed at that. Anyway, she looked me in the eye’s really close and put her hand on my thigh. They were so blue and beautiful that they sparkled. At that moment, I knew she was giving herself to me, however I wanted it to be. I couldn’t speak. Nothing would come out of my mouth. She had this sexy blue dress and a slamming nice body but I couldn’t speak. There was a heated pool and a hot tub right behind me and not another soul around. Any other night I would have already been in the hot tub. A million thoughts ran through my head, I really wanted to kiss her, have sex, feel her chest, ask questions, how did you change? Were you really a boy? When did you do this? Can you help me do this? Was it painful? Do you have a vagina? What is it like? Does it work? Did your boobs grow? Are they implants? Help me Please I want to be Like you!!!! I want to be a girl too!!!! I was so scared that I started to shake a bit. If I start down this path will I be able to stop when I want? I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t breathe. At this point she realized that I wasn’t comfortable and started talking about other things. Small talk really. I am pretty sure that she knew I knew and didn’t want to freak me out so she asked if there was a rest room. So, back to the apartment and then shortly after the other girl wanted to leave and I passed out on my bed. She was gone. I can picture her face and eye’s so clearly in my mind. I have never forgotten that beautiful girl, that opportunity I missed and I still regret it. A couple of years later she was featured on Entertainment Tonight with her boyfriend and soon to be husband. I just happened to be watching at that moment with my new live in girlfriend. My jaw dropped, I couldn’t believe it and I turned to looked at my beautiful girlfriend who was standing there in her panties with a smile. I have tried to find a copy of that show but to no avail. The next one will be shorter....I think.
An old regret of a missed opportunity for me to learn who and what I was is the topic. Of which I have many. This one I have released to the universe. I have described this one a bit in the past but I will go into more details than before and hopefully you can see the profound meaning that it had. Which I sensed at the time but didn’t truly realize until I admitted to myself I was transgender.
I was 21 living Hollywood California on N Fuller Ave. in an apartment building called “The Pinnacle”. I did not choose this building personally it just worked out that way. The building was nice and new and I loved living there. I had been dressing in secret since I was 7 or 8 and by this point I knew I really wanted to be a girl but didn’t understand why. (Or that it was possible) I thought I had a fetish or was just perverse and was full of shame living on N Fuller Ave. I slowly started meeting many people and with the whole hair band craze going on I felt comfortable to try and experiment with tight jeans that were more androgynous and tops. I started letting my hair grow out and wear eyeliner. I of coarse really loved it and had some girlfriends that helped me. Some of them were models and I freakin loved the way they looked. There was no judgments about this because it was a rocker kind of thing and the girls liked it. I hooked up with a lot of super hot girls during this time but was always cautious about who I hooked up with. AIDS (HIV) which was the term used back then was a big deal and almost considered a slow death sentence. I thought I was living the dream and the life of a rock star. Which I kind of was but with out the fame. I wanted to move forward with presenting myself in a more female way but when I pushed it I received blowback from my male roommates and some friends. Statements like dude what the f.... are you wearing. There was a lot of testosterone and homophobia/transphobia during this time. I also didn’t know if I was gay. Was I?? Is that what this is?? During this time I had one sexual experience with a man but I didn’t go looking for it. It was a casting couch thing where he promised me something if I let him give me a blow job. I did and I had an orgasm very quickly but hated the experience.u I couldn’t believe I allowed this to happen and it messed me up in the head for years. I became extremely homophonic and said to myself “no freakin way” so I pushed the macho man forwgard big time making every effort to distance myself from being gay. I built my body to an even higher level. I was ripped and proud of it plus it gave me access to more girls. I never look at guys and thought they were attractive anyway. I actually thought guys were disgusting. Penises and hairy..... yuck. So what the hell does this MEAN! and the fear grew. There was one club that I would go to every now and then called “Peanuts” on Santa Monica Blvd. which had a so called “straight night” and I would only go if someone else suggested it. I did get to see and meet some transgender people there or cross dressing boys or transvestite‘s or whatever they were. I did understand the difference about any of it and was so full of fear and shame that I could barely speak at times but I could dance. I was apparently pretty good and girls liked to dance with me. One night I was dancing with 2 really cute girls and having a blast. My friends were striking out with the ladies and wanted to leave but they were my ride. I could walk home from there and really I knew I was going to hook up with the 2 girls. Yeah! 2 girls! Golden! “You guys suck I’m not going anywhere are you guys crazy?!” The environment was awesome anyway I was doing shots with David Lee Roth just minutes earlier at the bar for crying out loud! This was when he was at the height of his career and kind of like a legend. So I stayed and they left. I started getting closer to the 2 girls and then we were talking with music blasting so we were right up next to each other. Cheek to cheek. I was extremely attracted to both of them they were funny and just great. At the end of the night the music stopped and the lights came up a bit I realized they weren’t girls. They were boys with boobs. I was freakin fascinated! But terrified at the same time. Did they have a hairy penis? Yuck. Is it possible to get that changed to a vagina? I might have heard something about that on Phil Donahue or somewhere else but holy crap “what do I do!?!” Run. I ran like the wind all the way back home literally. Cursing this deception, this trick they played on me as I tried to convince myself I couldn’t be attracted to them. But I was and I started to think more and more and more about it. I regretted not being brave enough when that opportunity was placed at my feet. It might have saved me a lot of suffering and I probably would have had a much better night too. 😊 Everything happens for a reason so oh well and I let it go.
But that’s not all the universe had planned for me...
Shortly after that another opportunity was laid at my feet and I had absolutely nothing to do with it...... I don’t think there could have been a better way for the universe to speak to me.
Strange what sticks in a persons brain for a lifetime. This encounter that I describe below would later be recalled as I summoned the courage to start this journey, to be Lauren, to be here with you.
A Short Story About a Regret
When I was deep in the closet
I approached my condo lobby
From the parking lot
I saw a trans-woman
Waiting, presumably for a ride
She was all decked out
She looked gorgeous
But I could tell
I walked past her
She looked at me
A second of tension
I simply nodded a polite smile
She smiled back
Lingering eye contact
I should have told her
how nice she looked
I spent that evening
wondering who she was
wondering about her world
wondering if I could too
In the lobby
I pass a gentlemen
He smiled her smile
What does one say?
Never saw him, or her, again
Thanks for reading this. Do you have a similar story to tell?
“I will give her space & time but I also need to nudge the conversation when I feel she is open to it.” So... I asked my wife if she wanted to have lunch yesterday and she immediately said no I can’t, I have to be on a call for work. I only came out to her at the beginning of August and things have been tense around the house since then. Actually things have been tense for awhile now do to my drinking over being transgender but since admitting this to myself I haven’t felt the need to drink. Gone. Zero. Very cool and amazing to me but that’s for another post. Anyway, She avoids the topic of me being transgender unless I bring it up. I said okay honey maybe another day. Then about 10 mins later as I was about to leave she said “my meeting was canceled so yes she could go.” Great! I believe I caught her off guard and she wanted to avoid any conversation about me being transgender and then re-evaluated the decision. I will have to ask her about that at a later date just so I can understand better. We had a nice lunch at a local place (it was the first restaurant we went to when we moved here) and the food was great. I could tell she was nervous about me bringing up the trans issue so I bought up regular life stuff for awhile and then when she seemed comfortable enough I asked how she was feeling about all of the gender issues. Straight away she said “I don’t feel any differently about this “. I just responded okay honey I understand. She than took a moment and then told me that when she was at the grocery store she saw a man in a dress. (Her face tensed up like she just ate something tart) I think she saw a transgender woman I’m guessing but maybe a crossdresser and now looking back at it I should have asked if she knows what the difference is, I’ll have to ask her about that later. “Boobs and everything.” She said. She told me that for her it was like “getting a punch in the gut.” “She looked like a woman boobs and all but it was definitely a man, I could tell “. I explained to her that I empathized with her feelings and was sorry that she experienced that but what she was see’s in others is not me. She is projecting what she fears onto me. She is aware of this but can’t help herself and I understand. I explained to her that when I see a transgender person or a cross dresser that is not passing well it bothers me as well (an uneasy feeling) but, as time goes by it’s not so shocking. It doesn’t seem so unnatural I guess. It takes time and understanding and really I still suffer from transphobic feelings and fears myself that I have developed over a life time. This takes time and understanding which I will need to work through. I told her “That is not me and I will not be throwing on a dress, heels and makeup to run around town.” This is true for me for the foreseeable future. I then explained to her what being transgender means to me. “This is an exploration of who I am and what I have known about myself all my life. If I don’t take on this challenge and truth about myself It could possibly kill me.” I also told her very clearly and calmly that “I am not ashamed of who and what I am. I am not afraid to be open about it. I am not going to hide or cowher from the world.” I respect my wife and her wishes so there is no need for her to worry about me showing up in a dress anytime soon. I would like her to be apart of this experience and exploration but only when she is ready. “So please honey, ask questions”. Well, we had a giggle about it then talked about other things in life like kids and work. A few minutes later she said that she wanted to go to therapy with me and maybe she will block off her calender for my weekly appointment. WOW!! I smiled. “That’s great and it will help us”. I also told her that she might want to go alone as well because it would help if I wasn’t there. She could speak more freely. She said yes. I told her to take her time and work that out as we go. I also bought up an idea that I have been discussing with my mom and therapist. I trust my sister very much and we talk about life together especially my marriage and drinking. So I want to come out to my sister and then my wife would have someone to talk to about this transgender issue that she trusts and feels comfortable with. My wife said ”That’s okay with me. That might be good.“ That’s when I stopped talking about transgender issues. I think it was enough for her to absorb and end that part of the conversation on a positive note. After lunch we walk into some shops that she wanted to check out and then a new spa that just opened up. As we walked back passed the restaurant we just had lunch in I pointed out a flyer on the window. Saturday night!! Dinner and a drag show!! $30 per person!!! 3 acts!! I said hey look honey we should come back here for dinner tomorrow😊. We both laughed and she said “I’m not ready for that yet “. Fare enough but she did say YET! Uhmmmm. So, all in all with a little patience and care while nudging her to communicate it seems like we might just have a chance. Hope is a powerful thing and this did lift my spirits. Later in the day she was sitting at the kitchen table and I came over to ask a question. I had just gotten changed to go to the movies and put on a tight top & Jean’s. I am always freezing in the theater so I was planning on putting a sweatshirt over my tight T-shirt. Let’s me be honest here I wanted to have my boobs stand out. I didn’t want to show them off to the family though. I just forgot what I was wearing. As I was asking her a question (and I find this funny) all she could stare at was my boobs! So, when her eyes finally came up to meet mine I gave her the obligatory look of hey my eyes are up here😘. Very funny 😄. I know she is curious about my physical changes because I have caught her checking me out every now and then but I’m not going to push that topic yet. She will bring it up when she is ready. So...with life’s ups and downs I move forward in this new journey of mine and I must say that yesterday was unanticipated and awesome😊. Today has also been a great day as well. HOPE !
As many know I love driving my 2016 Mazda Miata and belong to a local Miata club.
Last week I spent five days, Thursday through Monday driving with 17 other cars, a total of 22 people, all cisgender except for me. I have never mentioned my past life and transitioning. I bring this up because those who have plans for transitioning need to know when you do things right e.g. work on your female voice and be comfortable in your new skin coupled with mannerism and age appropriate clothing even if someone has doubts about your gender it will be a non-issue (not sure if I've been ever made but know this from others).
I was hit on by one man in the club and a female employee of a hotel (for anyone who knows Oregon, the chateau at the Oregon Caves). The man made his intentions clear but I made it clear I was into females. The employee at the hotel, let's say we had a wonderful time in the middle of the night (we stayed at a different hotel each night). She told me at the end of this month they are closing the chateau as their contract ran out and someone out bidded them.
All in all this was a great time getting to know several members better, some from other Miata clubs where there whom I met at what we call "Explorer Oregon" which my club puts on for four days each year in July. Nice seeing familiar faces.
Oh less I forget that four of the five hotels had both hot tubs and pools. Since I've transitioned I never refuse to take a swim or relax in a spa.
In closing, in the attached image I'm the car behind the front red car.
While we share so much there is also much that we do not share, i.e., every story has it's own twists and turns. As an introductory blog post I thought that I would start with some history. It will take a few posts to bring this up-to-date so bear with me. I do make every effort to not state the obvious and to not rehash commonalities many of us share. Finally, while I can spell, punctuation is not one of my strengths, so cut me a break will ya?
On Coming Out (Part One - A Beginning)
We were about 19 years into our marriage. I was deep in the closet although my wife had suspicions (but my name had yet to be chosen). Kids were in or approaching their teens. For reasons not relevant we had separated but never divorced.
I moved into a rental house which amounted to a larger “closet” for me. I could “dress” whenever I wanted but still I never left the house nor knew anything about cosmetics or proper fit of clothing.
I almost got caught once or twice as I would hand launder my lingerie then hang it to air dry in a bathroom and promptly forget about it. Visitors would come-and-go but if they saw they never asked.
My wife and I discussed reconciliation about two years later. By this time I knew that I could never divest myself of the woman that would become Lauren. All I knew was that she and I were one. I had no clinical name or diagnosis for it. I had never heard the word dysphoria but I knew that I had to be honest to the both of us so, to give my wife an “out”. I told her the truth.
We were in my bedroom; sitting on the bed when I told her. The exact words escape me but I do remember saying something to the effect that I could not “stop” and that “I wouldn’t blame her” if she decided to move on.
What seemed like minutes (but were actually seconds) passed as she looked at me. My heart was in my throat and pounding like crazy. She responded:
“That took a lot of courage to admit that”.
As she related to me later, things started to click in her brain and the previously mentioned “suspicions” that she had finally had an explanation. Her next comment was:
“I want it to be normal”.
I asked, quite man basically, “what does that mean?”
She responded “As if it is supposed to be that way.”
Well, color me dense but I still wasn’t sure what she was saying even though I had my hopes that my interpretation was correct. I pressed for more feedback.
“You can dress whenever you want”, was her response.
“What do you want me to call you when you are dressed?” she asked.
Wow. Wow. I never thought of actually having a feminine name so I asked her to choose. She said “Absolutely not. You must choose.”
Well, dear reader, you can imagine my near euphoric state by this point but I was smart enough to not press my luck so I chose a name. I chose the name Lauren and my wife never asked why. It would be years before she would find out why I chose that name. There is a story behind it for which I will start another post because I’m sure that there is a story behind yours.
So, I came out to her. I rolled the dice and they landed in my favor. It would be a while before I realized how extraordinarily fortunate I was. It would be a few more months until I learned why she was so accepting. You see, my willingness to come out to her opened the door for her willingness to speak more candidly about her desires. I will not elaborate upon those here but quite literally both our worlds changed.
Our reconciliation moved forward but it would be very long time before she (and I) really understood what was going on with me. Specifically, that I am transgender and that my need to integrate into the community at-large, as a woman, would be instrumental to my emotional well-being.
To be continued in part two.
When You Transition . . . Everyone You Know Transitions, Too
Written By Corinne Goodwin in "The GAYJOURNAL Magazine"
I began my so-called "path to transition" at the age of 55. That is when I finally said the words "I am transgender and I have to live authentically" out loud. Of course, I knew that I was trans decades earlier. I was not able to put a name to it, but I knew there was something different about me even before I started kindergarten. I was a real hard charger who worked 60 - plus hours a week and reveled in the privilege that mature white men possess.
Of course, much of what people saw was an act. Finally, after all those years, the pressure had built - up to the point where it needed release or I would sink into an unrecoverable depression. Thank goodness I said those words.
As most LGBTQ people know, there is an amazing amount of angst that is associated with being in the closet. There is also an intense feeling of being free when you step out into the sunlight. That, of course, it where Newton's third law of physics kicks in. You are finally stepping out into the light but for many of the people in your life, they begin to experience their own worlds of anxiety. In effect, you are transferring many of the burdens you have been carrying to them.
THE TERROR ASSOCIATED WITH NEWTON
When a trans person comes out to a family member the first thing they worry about is rejection. In my case I was married for over 30 years and I could not imagine not having my wife by my side going forward. I also had a son who is the light of my life and I had a small but close group of friends and work associates who I depended on. "What," I asked myself, "would happen if they reject me?" Would I be alone? Would I be disowned? Would I lose my livelihood?
HERE COMES NEWTON
Like I said thought, Newton's third law does apply. I came out gradually to my friends and relatives. In person when I felt I could and in letters, emails and phone calls when appropriate. Each time I did so, virtually everyone made the right noises and had the desired reactions. But, as I have been transitioning, some of the people who matter the most to me have struggled.
My spouse, who has a large network of friends from our old neighborhood, through her church and her job stopped inviting friends over to the house because she did not want them, me or her to feel uncomfortable. To make matters worse, I was so wrapped - up in my world, I did not notice until she brought it up two years after the fact.
My son was engaged to be married. In my mind, it was important to let him and his fiance know about me and my pending transition prior to the wedding - after all, it was only fair that she know what she was getting into. Unfortunately, despite an initially positive reception, soon thereafter, the engagement was off. To be sure there were other issues involved, but there is no doubt that my transition added to their tensions. Now I ask myself, what will be the impact on his future relationships?
In my business circles, I began the coming out process as well. I have largely done so by having individual conversations but coming in this slow - roll fashion has its costs. One of them is that I asked my associates to hold my "secret" while I worked thought my lists. That is definitely unfair. Plus, clients and business contacts have not known which name, e-mail or phone number to use. Even more critically, it forces them to pause and think carefully about how they address me in meetings or group e-mails. This is confusing, a real time waster and an unfair burden.
My friends have had to pay a price, too. I am excited about finally getting to live my life in a more genuine fashion. That excitement can lead to fixation where all I want to talk about is transition and everything related to it. Luckily, a friend recently said to me, "You know, it does not have to be 'all trans, all the time.' How about we change the topic?" After a bit of shock and self - examination, I came to realize that I may not have been paying their friendship back very well.
THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY COIN
Partners and spouses definitely have the hardest road. While a transitioning person's path is not an easy one, for them there are clear mileposts along the way to achieving an ultimate goal. That is not necessarily the case for a partner.
Think about it . . . beyond navigating the issues of potentially coming to terms with a new version of the sexuality and the possibility of being ostracized by friends and relatives, there are dozens of new rules (mostly unspoken) that have to be renegotiated. These range from who buys the flowers on Valentine's Day to how you introduce your partner at a cocktail party or casual meeting to how you sign greeting cards during the Holidays.
In other words, prior to the transition there was a relatively easy to understand script to follow. Now the script has been torn - up and there are few resources available to help a spouse or partner to find a new one. It is no wonder surveys show that fewer than 50% of all relationships survive a transition.
IS TRANSITION SELFISH?
The quick answer is "yes" and most trans people I know have struggled with the guilt associated with that selfish act. But, in the long - run you can not take care of the people who matter to you most if you do not take care of yourself first. In my case, I had to come to the realization that while transition is something I am doing for me, it is not exclusively about me. This is a reality that most transitioning people come to terms with sooner or later.
Our family members may grieve just as we feel we are being born and our friends and coworkers will have to make significant adjustments in their thinking and relationships with us. But, in the end, if everyone truly cares about each other and are willing to negotiate and make the adjustments necessary, transition can be successful for all parties.
I was looking forward to going to the conference for weeks but as it got closer I began to get nervous. I went with 2 friend which made it easier for me to go and harder for me to back out. One of my friends freaked out and almost didn't go but he pulled through. The point is that it was an unexpected build up of anxiety. Anyway...The conference was at The Riverside Hotel in Fort Lauderdale, FL and the accommodations were nice overlooking the beach in the distance and the river. The street Las Olas was full of little shops, restaurants and had a hip vibe to it with lots to do. I arrived early in the morning and my room was ready so I went up to change into something nice. I took a shower and shaved my body then picked out what I wanted to wear. My friends arrived shortly after and came up to my room. My friend Rachael was nice enough to lend me some of her makeup and then guide me through what to do. It came out pretty good for my first time ever! I am a tomboy TG girl and will probably never wear heavy makeup anyway. The natural look is for me or at least that's what I think for now. We went down to the conference to checked in and every single person was so nice and helpful. If you needed anything there was someone to help you. We went to whatever seminar was of interest to us individually and also some together. There were Doctor's talking about surgery's top, bottom, FFS, SRS etc., Lawyers talking about the laws and what your rights are, A wonderful women from TSA answering questions about travel, Makeup seminars, Comportment seminars, Wigs, Hair, pretty much everything. I do wish they had some vendor though. Everything was held on the 8th floor of the hotel which had a giant wrap around deck with comfy seating. Great space. There were people from all over and every age. Although I didn't see any youngsters. We broke for lunch and I invited a women I was chatting with to come to lunch with us. She writes a blog called Ronda's Escape but I haven't had time yet to check it out. She is very nice and the restaurant at the hotel was right on the water. We all enjoyed great food while chatting and watching the boats cruse by. (The restaurant is called the Boat House). After lunch we went back in for some more seminars. The first one was a general session and the speaker Marie was from the TSA. Marie's job is to help the TSA understand the transgender community and train the employees. She was full of great knowledge and took many questions regarding travel. There were a ton of things that I never knew about like you can call for a person to escort you through. If you need it. I then went to a seminar on wigs and walking which was pretty good and then the FFS surgeon. After the seminar he gave free consultations! At this point the clock is ringing 5pm and I head up to the wig ladies room for a test fitting (sorry I can't remember her name) and she said she would touch up my makeup too. Great! I have never tried on a wig before so I was a bit nervous. After picking out a wig to wear for the night and her putting on heavy makeup (which I hate) we were ready to go out for the night. We hung at the hotel socializing for a while and then down the street for dinner. This was the first time going out as Christy in public and I enjoyed the night. After dinner we went back to the 8th floor where lots of people were dancing and sing kereoke or just lounging around on the patio. It was nice to just talk with people about their lives and experiences. Then off to bed around midnight.The next day I did a yoga class on the terace and then had a complementary breakfast with everyone. We went to more seminars, lunch and then a fun pool party (what a site that was for the tourists) before I had to leave. Later they had a big fancy dinner but they were sold out. All in all it was a great trip. The room was $150 for an upgrade. $50 for the conference. We ate out 3 times costing about $75 total. I could have done the whole conference for under $200 easily if I wanted. Okay so that is the basics and hear is what I learned about myself on this trip. I love my friends and the support we give to each other is fantastic. I can trust them. It was pretty scary going out on the street at night. I absolutely hated the wig and the heavy makeup. Hated it! It is very important for me to look and feel natural, Comfortable. Getting made up to look like a doll was fun for a night but that is not me. Good to know right? I would rather look androgynous and real then pretty and fake. I am not sure that makes sense but that is me. I like to wear some tight jeans with a nice cotton t-top and sandels. Very little/light makeup and I love to smell good. My skin and nails are done nice but not over the top. Some nice sparkle stud ear rings and a cap or something until my hair grows out. I would have had a better time going out at night if I just dressed the way I wanted too but that's how I learn. The next day I did just that. Also high heels hurt I don't know how people wear them all day. Ridiculous. Why don't you just stick a fork in my foot. LOL The funny thing is yesterday I went to my therapy appointment dressed just like I wanted with no makeup (just did't have time) and people were saying miss and girl. It caught me off guard at first but then I started to expect it. I even added on a couple of extra errands to keep the vibe going. I guess I have changed more than I thought. The whole experience taught me a lot about myself and the transgender community in general. I feel far more confident with myself as well. I will be looking for more events to go to and I might try a Meet Up group. They have groups for everything, Bowling, Running, Dancing, Singing, Art, Beach and more.
Live Love Learn
The biggest thing I hate about me is being so misunderstood. People think that Me being different that its ok to call me names look at me funny. If I take my son to the park and other families are there I get looked at funny and round up their kids away from me. I don't look as a passable female at all. So I guess that means to them I am a predator or something. Being called names like freak and gay. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay but I don't identify that way. That is desperate from gender. I wish people were more informed and understanding. I am tired of being treated poorly. I just want to be me have fun raise my son. What's wrong with that? I have already lost all my friends and most of my family. I haven't even told them how I see myself. I mean Idk how I see myself Anyways. My ex told a lot of them about who I am at least in her eyes and outed me to them. So they know but I get no chance to defend myself or explain because it's just ignored. I am ignored by all. I have no one left. It a sad closed off world. Not to mention. Of the guys at work knew I would be made even more miserable. Everyone in my life is narrow minded. I am just tired. Its exhausting
I continue to grow as a person. I have been dealing with issues my whole life. Now that I am accepting myself as who I am meant to be I find it more freeing. I am wearing more of my bras and pretty much all female outfits in public now. My breasts are sore and my nipples hurt those have been for a while now. And I haven't even taken anything to create that at all. I guess I am a lucky one. Having an overactive pituitary gland has forced my hand and forced me to accept myself. Having a higher than normal estrogen level and lower testosterone levels. My hair is softer and my body hair is growing slower. I have been exfoliating with tea tree and mint body wash and a body buffer. My skin is so soft. I am finding that I am more caring than ever. But on the down side I am over emotional sometimes. I take offense to little things that shouldn't matter. I even bought some new panties yesterday and the woman in the checkout isle said nothing about it at all. It was no big deal. I even when I was looking at some in the lingerie dept a woman who worked in the dept. Asked if I needed any help. I said I am not sure. She said if you do let me know sweetie. If you need help finding your size or anything. That made me feel really good. It's nice when you have a good experience out. Tomorrow I have a Dr appt. For refills on my back scripts but I am also gonna ask her about my gender Dysphoria. And see what happens from there. I am gonna ask if she knows of a local therapist or anything. Idk if my ins. Covers med for transitions or not. But T blockers would help I think with my Dysphoria more. There are still so many things I look at in the mirror and go darn I look way to manly I hate it. I just want to be able to be myself and really be comfortable in my own skin. I am getting there it is gonna take a while. For almost 39 years I have gone between self loathing and hatred of my body and periods of time where I liked myself. Somewhat and then back to depression and anxiety over being not who I am. I have already lost most of my friends But whatever. Maybe I can make new ones. Idk only time will tell. Thanks to everyone on here for being so friendly and accepting and loving. And there is a support group that meets 2 a month here. But only one I can attend because of work. So I may go this month and see what that's all about. This site has saved me and I am so happy to have met you all. Thanks again