Our community blogs
When I was a boy much like many of you I did all the usual things, riding skateboards, bikes, hanging with my elementary school friends etc.
My home life at this time was pretty odd, my father was a car nut and that was all he cared about when he wasn't working. All his free time and free money went into a host of cars. We as his family never knew from day to day what type or kind of car he'd come home in. So it didn't take me long to to search outside my own yard for companions. My mother and grand mother were always together at my grandmothers house watching their soaps and couldn't care less where I was or what I was into, so directly behind my grandmothers house was another house just on the other side of the driveway, this house was home to a mother, father and five girls. I can't even remember their names now save for a couple of them, but none the less. I became friends with them and hung out in their yard playing everything from dolls to making mud pies, then the house next to theirs was directly behind my house and a young girl lived there named Tammy. She and I became best friends quickly, the other girls that I played with next door were older and more interested in boys their own age, but yet remained friendly to me, but as far as playmates and companions they were not. Now Tammy and I had a unique friendship. I was perhaps 8 or 9 years old when we met. Her father and mother were strange people and fiercely overprotective of her and with good reason, she was gorgeous even as a young woman. I think she was 10 or 12 when we met. Now her father would not allow her to come into my yard or vice-versa. So we had to opt to play together through a woven wire fence where we'd spend our summers days sitting Indian style talking and playing, I'd put my hand through the fence and pass her hot wheel cars and I'd lie on my stomach in the dirt to hold her dolls upright so that we could play barbie dolls and this made her so happy and we had a lot of fun. What interests me is looking back I was always outside in my white fruit of the loom underwear and nothing more and I always remember her as being neatly dressed and groomed.
Even to this day I think back and remember how my mother, grandmother etc; whomever was "babysitting" me always made me change into my undies before going out to play so that it'd make my school clothes last longer, but then again that was in the 1970's. Things were different, it was a different time. During all these summers I never ever pictured her as a sexual creature, it was all so innocent, then one day a family moved in two doors down from us.This is as they say is were the plot thickens....
- Read more...
- 0 comments
I woke up this morning feeling like this picture... so much of me and not sure how to spread myself so that i'm not defeated. first of all, i love life. i am finally enjoying being the person i've always been. and not afraid to live it. there is so much in the world that stirs me crazy, but one thing that will always stand strong and stand out - I'm a transgender human with lots of love for family, friends, and new people.
I Have been following all the Jenner news. This has stirred some of my recent thinking. What is the core of why we have our feelings and want so much to change. I think there is a certain desire to see ourselves as beautiful. Women express this better than almost all men. When I put on a dress I feel changed. When I see most other men I see most of them as lazy/unkempt, fat/heavy and scuzzy. This is the excepted image of men. I do not fit this image and I know I am stared at a lot by other men, usually in restrooms, who do not expect a beautiful looking man. When I look beautiful (Handsome) day-to-day, I am often mistaken for a girl, even when in unisex or masculine clothing. I usually do not go out of my way but I am well groomed, very tan, fit and now have longer styled blond hair. I think some of why I wish I could change is rooted in the concept of beauty - and if men could also be beautiful in what is currently a woman's norm early in life - I think fewer would be unhappy with their body image and fewer would want to change. Here is another thought. I think is more acceptable to be changed completely into a woman than it is to dress and adorn ones self in a similar fashion. Yes, I would love to wear a colorful attractive dress and show off my small waist and still not try to hide that I have a somewhat feminine looking male body. However, I feel less anxiety when I go through the complete effort of hiding any maleness as I look completely like a woman. Also, I actually feel safer in woman mode as I do not see myself as a homosexual; not wishing for men to lust for me in this fashion.
While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person.
Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt.
Am I really a girl deep inside?
Am I just having a gender identifying crises?
Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation?
Or am I just going crazy?
Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick..
And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl?
Reason why I don't think I'm a girl:
1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender.
2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih.
3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.)
4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while.
5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish".
Reason I am a girl:
1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me.
2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly.
3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?)
4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing
6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls.
7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl.
8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy.
9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls.
AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED.
I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family..
It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy.
It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting..
But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream..
I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl.
But yet I have these thoughts of remorse.
And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****..
But Yet they keep coming up..
I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy?
I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead.
I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender.
I was born a boy, so I must be a boy?
Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me.
Have a great day
Wow So much has happened in the last year (since 5/1/2014) the day first saw my therapist and she said those fateful words “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.” I’d never heard those words before. But those words that have turned my world upside down. No actually they have turned my world upside right, but have turner everyone else’s upside down.
So here’s what has happen since I heard those words
On May 31st came out to my wife
Sometime in July, finally said I might be transgender.
August 29th went to my first Trans Support Group
August 30th came out to my health coach
October said that I am transgender
November 2nd came out to my colorist
November 10th met a trans friend
November 17th came out to my doctor
November 17th started wearing nothing but women’s clothes every day
About November 20th stopped having migraines
November 19th came out to my nail girl
December 3rd came out to my massage therapist
December 3rd through January 31st came out to about 25 sales women
About January 1st stopped taking all medications, sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants
January 10th saw new therapist
January 11th got fitted for my first bra
January 31st told 2 women at blood bank
About February 1st totally accepted and even embraced the fact I am transgender.
February 2nd came out to friend in Texas (1st guy)
February 18th told my new doctor
January 28th told 2 more women at blood bank
March 16th came out to my cousin
March 28th came out to my daughters
March 28th through April 30 came out to 10 other sales women
April 22nd met a new friend and she totally accepts me for me
April 25th came out to my best friend (2nd guy)
So now today I don’t hate myself. I don’t hate the fact I am transgender. In fact I love me for who and what am, and that’s a transgender woman.
On the day you I firs heard “you may be transgender” and there was a magic pill I could take to make me not be trans, I would have taken it in a heartbeat.
3 months ago I am not sure I what would have done. Today I am not taking it and there’s no way you can force it down my throat.
I used to look at it as a curse, but now see it as a blessing. I would not want to be not trans because I would not just lose part of me, I would lose me.
I am so much a peace with who and what I am I have not taken any numbing medications(sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants ) in over 4 months and have only had 1 migraine in 5 last months. I think that’s really awesome. It’s not that I feel better than I ever have it that I feel alive for the first time.
So today I say I am transgender,
YES I AM PROUD TO BE TRANSGENDER!!
“oh it sounds like you may be transgender.”
PS by the way the translation “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.”
for me is "of course you not a sick disgusting pervert" which is what I thought for most of the first 55 year of my life" So in essence those words have freed me from my self made prison I spent my whole life in.
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
I wrote a book - The Definition of Normal by E S Carpenter - because I studied psychology and learned that there is a ton of educational / psychology proof that TG / TV / CD people and their admirers are NORMAL! And I am very tired of the social beating these groups get, from the so called 'normal people'.
These lifestyles, along with LGBT have existed since humans have existed, and it is about time someone explain the educational information available, so the non-educators can learn. Seems almost all LGBT / TG / TV / CD education material is in Peer Review Journal Articles - not readily accessible to the general public. I have no idea why our wonderful higher educational system does not gladly offer access to this information - but that is a discussion for another day.
I studied the information in the book. The pschological facts are accurate. Yes, they are woven inside a love story. ...Believe it or not, for the reasons the character 'Lorraine' gives in the book: Most people can't process formal operational thought (theory only). SO I wrote a concrete operational love story around the information, so more people would access.
The book is free on Amazon to read. See how 'NORMAL'. Then let's talk if you want?
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
Well good evening!! This blog will serve different purposes for me, the main one is that it helps calm me down when I write, and I am able to express myself better thru writing. The transition is happening later in my life, I am 46, almost 47. I have been married for 21 years and have a son who is 15. And let me preface the spouse and son ARE NOT supporters.
I am 13 months into my journey, and it has been anything but smooth. I had just gotten a job as a big time corporate chef and working at a college, finding acceptance would be easy. Well to a point. I worked for a global fortune 100 company that had a pretty good HRC score, but alas we are located in Wyoming. Yep. A beautiful state, but still not to accepting. Now understand that I am not a trans female who wants to stand out, I want to blend in. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't wear dresses or skirts, I am a jeans and slacks kinda girl. Some have asked why not wear stuff other that boring jeans and slacks. The answer is simple. Dresses don't fit my personality. But to me it is the outward appearance that caused me to derail. I will explain.
See to me, getting on the hormones and wearing make up and such was so important, and yet that was my biggest problem. The outward look. Not an issue of passing or not passing ( I hate those terms), it was i worried so much about the outward, I didn't deal with the inward struggles. I was so worried about looking the part, i made a mess of the transition. No let me correct that...a huge mess of things. I regret how a lot of things went down, but while i can't change what was, i can sure make sure to fix the mistakes of the past.
Well thats where i will leave it for now. I will write more tomorrow evening. Thanks lovlies!!!
Greetings, all ... <img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/TGD-Hi_zpszhfnnepk.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo TGD-Hi_zpszhfnnepk.gif"/></a>
I've been <i>into</i> the "blog scene" around the WWW for (only) the past couple of years ...
Most recently via my <a href="http://transgenderdate.com/viewuser.php?id=203163"><b><u><font color = "00FF00">(Link to) TGD "Adonii" profile</font></b></u></a>
Just "discovered" TGG this evening ... and am ready to check out this site ... <img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/TGD-Smile_zpsdf30bjqq.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo TGD-Smile_zpsdf30bjqq.gif"/></a>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/CatMusic01_zpsanna0ygq.jpg~original" border="0" alt=" photo CatMusic01_zpsanna0ygq.jpg"/></a>
<iframe src="http://www.4shared.com/web/embed/file/LQhXvgJJce" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" width="470" height="320"></iframe>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/symANIg02_zps7vgltuwt.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo symANIg02_zps7vgltuwt.gif"/></a><a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/PlusANIg02_zps976ywad0.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo PlusANIg02_zps976ywad0.gif"/></a>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/AriesANIg01_zps8arbyovz.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo AriesANIg01_zps8arbyovz.gif"/></a>
<img src="http://i876.photobucket.com/albums/ab328/007www/TGD/HairANIgif01_zpse25dad09.gif~original" border="0" alt=" photo HairANIgif01_zpse25dad09.gif"/></a>
It’s an odd feeling, hoping that there is something wrong with you. Really hoping that you’re sick, and that you can use that to explain what’s happening. I’m loathe to book the blood tests though, not only because they’re a nuisance that involves me taking time off of work but because I fully expect them to reveal nothing.
The phlebotomist will take the samples, I like her; she’s a friend of a friend and always asks after him and what he’s been up to. Then the samples will disappear for a couple of weeks. Finally the surgery will send me a letter.
It’ll look something like this:
“We’ve had the results of your blood test. We can confirm that your cholesterol levels are very high, putting you at risk of serious health conditions, including stroke and heart attack. You’ll be pleased to know, however, that we found no other abnormal readings. Please make an appointment as soon as possible so we can discuss the results and your options.”
My symptoms are weight gain, which I don’t mind as I like being heavier, depression, high cholesterol and very high fatigue. It’s the fatigue that’s ruining my life, it feels like every other day I have to ask to work from home because I can barely keep my eyes open.
The cholesterol is also worrying, mostly because I know I’m fat but I’m happy as I am. I’m already a vegetarian, I don’t eat dairy (apart from chocolate and cheese) so that actually cuts out most sources of dietary cholesterol.
In essence, I don’t want a formal confirmation of something that I can already hear in my head (naturally, in my father’s patronising, sanctimonious, calculating voice):
“You’re depressed and have cholesterol problems because you don’t go to the gym and don’t eat like a nutritionist. If you got off your fat backside you would probably feel less tired, too.”
My symptoms have all the hallmarks of an underachieve thyroid, which my maternal grandmother also has. The fact it’s such a perfect fit seems to make it all the more likely that it won’t be the culprit.
I’d love an easy answer, for once. Something that explains why it’s damned hard to even get out of bed. Why my eyes are stingy and dry. Why just housework tires me out. Why I have such acute bouts of depression. Why my cholesterol is high enough to actually make the doctor raise their eyebrows (which is not a fun feeling).
So, I’m on the sofa. I’m remoted in to work. The telephone is nearby. My coffee is slowly going cold. It’s nearly noon. I can’t bring myself to book the blood test. The coffee feels like it’s in another room. I’m too bleary-eyed to start work; I almost expect to be fired for working from home too much. The telephone feels like it’s in another country.
Just like Gwen. I wish she were here. I wish Cloud was here too, my best friend in all the world. My girlfriend is in the Netherlands, and has gone radio-silent again. Cloud is in France visiting his family. It’s okay: Cloud will be back tomorrow, and I’ve learnt that Gwen being quiet doesn’t ‘mean’ anything (much as my neuroses try to twist it into one). She’ll be back soon enough.
Work isn’t going anywhere. Not really. They need me, and my working from home is only just an inconvenience. In my defence, I also remoted in over the weekend and did a load of extra work for them just because I felt like it.
I’ll start small. Coffee first. Everything else in time.
well today has been another day.... I mean what are we here for? to think the way we live is a choice---really the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I pluck my facial hair because I don't want stubble....let a man do that---lmbo----he would cry like--ironically a girl---- I live for me and refuse to live for whatever society thinks I should. I say once and forall deal with me world because I am real and I am here.
Today I went down because my mom wanted to talk to me about my brother doing homeschool with me. After our conversation I went to make some popcorn because popcorn is awesome. A few minutes later she then commented that her soap opera has a transgender in it. At this point I am nervous on how she would think of that. She then commented "That's disgusting. I guess they have to make it more modern. What has the world come to?" My heart instantly dropped.
I quickly finished what I was doing in the kitchen and ran upstairs to my room. I am full of emotions right now. Angry, sad, confused. Right when I was starting to crawl out of the pit of depression, I sunk back in. My mom basically rejected me, and the worst part is that she doesn't know it.
All my life, I have felt wrong. And I do mean all my life.
Since before I could even put a full definition to what gender even was. I have always felt off in my own body, as though the world I expected and desired did not sync at all with what was happening around me, happening to me.
I have hidden from my true self all my life. I did what was expected of me, what was expected of all boys...to be a man. To do all the things boys are supposed to do. Act the way boys are supposed to act.
I have the brain of a female. In all likelihood it is biological, caused during foetal formation by little more than a slightly “off” series of hormonal developments. My mind is a girl’s, but it’s in the body of a boy, and it has been this way for the entirety of my existence, regardless of how I’ve been raised or how my worldly experiences have influenced me.
Imagine for a second here what that would be like. Imagine you, a girl or boy, in the opposite body, and unable to do anything about it. You see the world as a guy or girl, but have to live as a girl or guy, pushed along by societal current, tradition, and bare survival instinct into positions and identities that are increasingly uncomfortable to you, unpalatable to you. Everything about your existence is laced with lies, and it feels like there’s nothing that you can do about it.
This is how it is for me. This is how it’s always been for me. If you’ve always seen me as a Herculean pillar of masculinity, then I guess it just means I’m a good faker. I’m sorry if this makes you feel betrayed, or wronged. That’s never what I wanted to do.
For years I felt that there was nothing I could do about what I felt, and so for years I didn’t intend to do anything about it. Unsurprisingly, this did not work. Transsexuality, I have found, is not a habit you can break, a mindset you can force your way out of, or something you can treat with psychotherapy or drugs. It is a genetic construction that will never, ever change, but as it turns out, there is something that can be done about it. I’ve always known it was a possibility, but until now I’ve been too terrified to make it a reality. It took time, it took lots of time, for me to build up the courage to admit to myself that it would be a mistake to continue living as a male. To understand that any apprehensions that I had about doing anything to solve my problems were very much outweighed by the problems themselves, and the implications that they would have on my well- being for the rest of my life.
May 10, 2014 my life came to a cross-road. I was at the point of Transition or commit suicide. So I’m doing something about it, and I’m transitioning from male to female. It’s the only cure for my condition, and I am more than happy to take it on. Above all of the rest, this is the part I want you to understand the most. This is the part where I’m going to be emphatic, where I’m going to be angry, and where I’m probably going to cry a little.
This is the part where I want to make clear that this was NOT a choice.
I am not deciding to become a girl. This is me allowing myself to be who I am, and it is the only route that I could take, because I am done lying about who I am. In transitioning from male to female, I have become a second-class citizen in the eyes of many people. I have opened myself up to discrimination and hate. I have jeopardize my likelihood of finding a life partner who accepts me. I have jeopardize my job security. I have opened myself up to abandonment and rejection by family and friends. I am diving headfirst into what is really a whole world of social trouble, and it is not something that I would choose to do.
This is the next step of my life, of my existence and of my development as a human being, and this was always going to happen, because it was never my choice.
Coming to grips with this has been an absurdly hard process, and it has constantly sent me into depression and loneliness. Nearly every personal problem that I’ve had over the course of my life, I can trace back almost certainly to repressed questions of gender identity. Making myself realize it and embrace it took years, and even after that the fear and uncertainty of what to do about it made me miserable.
I never told anyone. I lied about what made me sad, or I just didn’t say. Coming out and actually telling someone “I’m transgendered” was a prospect far, far too scary to even consider. Instead I sank inside myself, jealous of people more brave than me and full of self-pity. It’s all because I was too scared to just tell anyone that there was something wrong with me. It took being completely low, down, and beaten for me to finally tell my best friend. It was a year after that before I told anyone else. After that person, a couple of weeks to tell another. Despite how scary it was all those times, and despite how scary it still is, it gets easier.
I lost friends and family with my decision to transition. My middle daughter, age 25, has disowned me and tells people I am an embarassment. A few friends have stopped talking to me, which just tells me they never were my friends in the first place.
August 21,2014 I started HRT and began the process of transition. I doubt my transition will ever end, as humans tend to evolve over time. We develope new interests and loose interest in other things. For me its just about living and being happy as the REAL me.
Surgeries? After weighing all the pros and cons, I've concluded that at my age and the inevitable witing list for C.A.M.H to approve government medical coverage, not to have SRS. I will be having an Orchi done this spring. Two reasons for Orchi...to get off the spiro and to get rid of the two things that represent to me the symbol of masculinity.
Ok that's all for now.
Merry Meet and Merry Part, and Merry Meet Again
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
Not sure whether this is the right thing for me to do, to start a Blog. Firstly, I feel that my grasp of the english language is not really very good, and secondly, I tend to lose enthusiasm pretty quickly.
I probably could also bore the pants of anyone who decides to read it!
Well, If any of you have read my profile, I do reside in the UK. Those of you whom may not of noticed will see that I am of asian origin. In fact my parents are originally from Hong Kong. This is where I am for the next 16 days aswell.
I've taken the oportunity to experiment with makeup which is easily available here, but not so readily available in the UK. In my thinking, I've decided to buy Japanese makeup here, as it should suit my asian skin better?? Well thats my excuse for just buying makeup here I guess.
I'm really not enjoying myself as much as I should be. I came here with a sore throat, and I'm struggling with it. I've also found out the best way of dispersing people who maybe overcrowding you on the buses or underground. Just have a coughing fit, and watch everyone cover their mouths and walk away from you. They seem to think I have bird flu!
Anyway.. enough of my ramblings! A shopping trip awaits me tomorrow morning!
One of the members here recently was feeling down (I hope that you feel better today:) and discouraged. One of the things was that men are sending her unwanted friend requests and messages on social sites.
This is such an annoyance for transgender women and makes us all to aware how we can be objectified as fetish objects by a certain type of guy who don't really see us as real people, let alone women. Sometimes you just get so fed up with it, and at the wrong time, it can really get to you. They all seem to say and ask the same or similar things which can run the spectrum from ignorant, to insulting, to just so creepy that you feel like you need to take a shower after reading them. I'm thinking why not have some fun at these creep's expense. I'm going to list some of the typical things, usually the opening line from a message that I've gotten. Tell me if it sounds familiar and add some of the ones that you've gotten, ok? Of course, I can't include the more X rated comments that I've gotten.
1. You a tranny?
2. I'm curious and want to "try" a tranny, you want to be my first?
3. Do you Skype?
4. Text me. 555 555 5555.
5. Send me pictures.
6. Send me naked pictures.
7. Do you still have "it?"
8. Is 67 too old? (I'm 19)
9. Give me your number. (like I'm going to give a complete stranger my phone#!)
10. Give me your phone number and I'll send you a picture of my.....
11. What are you wearing?
12. Do you have boobs?
13. How big is your....
14. Hi, do you like me?
15. I'm on he down low, do you want to be my secret thing? (yeah, I want to be somebody's "thing")
There are so many more that are probably worse, and many too creepy to say here on tgguide. These are a few that I've heard over and over. On a dating site that I tried recently, some of the user names tell you right up front what these guys are all about. I also can't write most of those here, but for example, how many girls are looking to meet a guy that calls himself "freakdude69?"
It can be so frustrating, I so understand why this gets to other girls. At first i was actually a little flattered that guys were (I thought) interested in me, but I got onto what they were about and really got so sick of it.
So girls, are there any particularly weird, clumsy, funny or bizarre things that guys have said to you? At least things that you can say here, but nothing to "graphic."
Again, I'm leaving out those that are too creepy, sexually graphic or disgusting....which are most of the comments that girls like us get.
La la la:)))
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
Over the past several days, I've been coming out a little more. Back on 2-22, I told my oldest sister and her fiance. It all started when I mentioned that I feel like several people live in me and at least one of them is a girl. The only reaction I got was when my sister told me not to get the surgery, and she believes Bruce Jenner would not look good as a woman. I told her that I'm not sure where this will lead. I couldn't afford treatment, anyway, and the pain would really make a cry baby out of me.
Just yesterday, I let my one friend from church hear more about it. This is the same one I told back on February 8 and I wrote about it in the first blog about spilling the beans. I let him know this is far from over, because I spent so many years trying to deny this thing, swearing up and down that I cannot be this way. My friend believes I might have to receive my sight in order for this to go away. He reassured me that I'm still part of the body of Christ. This friend dreamed, several years ago, about me receiving my sight. He strongly believes it's going to come true, someday. In the meantime, he's keeping my transgender confession between us. Any time I'm alone with him, I feel I am going to have to keep pouring this stuff out and getting it off my chest. I cannot even open up to my parents about this. It will give them more of a reason to call me a weirdo and tell me I just need to grow up. I've heard that stuff, all my life, for other reasons. Anyway, a key confession I told my friend, yesterday, is how, when it comes to needing someone to lead me to a bathroom, I prefer women to do it instead of men, never mind my biological designation as male. I am more concerned with what's between my ears and what's inside this shell of flesh and bones. The friend never criticized or warned me I will go to hell if I don't straighten up and fly right. He just listened. He's at a loss as to what to tell me other than his belief that it would have to come with divinely receiving eyesight through Jesus' healing power. I am a firm believer in miracles, and I ask God, all the time, to heal me, as I am created by Him and for Him. As long as he leaves the thorn in me, he will give me the grace to deal with it. That's especially comforting when I often have to deal with unexplainable physical discomfort I get in the manly region. Doctors haven't been able to figure out why I burn down there. I don't always empty the bladder, and that's a mystery. All they can say is I just need to learn to live with it. I told the friend of this bizarre connection between the feeling female around men, something that's been there since I was 4 or 5, and the burning sensation I've had for several years. We just leave it up to God. Only he knows what good is possibly going to come from all of this. So, as for now, I am blind and I am transgender, and there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot deliver myself. It's up to God, and if he's at all offended by the way I am, he alone will change it. It is what it is. He knows I long to be saved in the end.
When my dysphoria started becoming too much to handle on my own, I confided in a trans friend. She's been extremely supportive over the last few weeks and I honestly don't think I could have even started to make peace with my feelings without her support.
I'm starting to buy some clothes that I can wear when I'm alone. One of the biggest things holding me back is trying to change my thinking from "I want to be a woman" to "I am a woman." When I'm in girl mode, it's easier to make that distinction.
I've talked to my friend about that and she said she had a similar experience. She asked if I wanted her to change pronouns for me. I didn't at first, but I eventually became comfortable enough. I even started changing to girl mode at her place. When I was able to look at myself in the mirror and feel like I was looking at a woman, I was excited and wanted to show her.
Somehow the topic of dating came up. I've actually had a bit of a crush on her for a while now, since before we started talking about these things. It turns out she felt the same way. We've been dating for about a week now and I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. When we're alone, she refers to me as her girlfriend and uses my chosen name. She cleared all of that with me because she knows I find it difficult to think of myself as a woman, but it's not as difficult when I'm with her. She respects my boundaries and she doesn't push any issues that I'm uncomfortable with.
I'm in a little bit of disbelief over all of this. I was so stressed and miserable for so long, and now I'm in a relationship with an incredible woman, I'm actually happy most of the time now, and I can see she's happy too.
I don't usually like writing about my life if I'm not ending on a question or observation, but right now, I'm giving myself permission to gush a little. I'm a secret lesbian. Don't tell anyone.
I love to cross dress, I'm not really sure how it makes me feel or at least I can't describe the feeling but I feel like I should have been a woman but at the same time I would miss my digit or whatever you'd like to call it. As I was growing up all of this was unheard of, at least by me. Back in my day I would have got the crap beat out of me if people knew how I really felt. I have decided to cut loose and let my feelings show at least to the people on this site, because I feel safe here. It is hard going from one point to another one that is totally different from the way other people percieve me.
I was masculan jock all of the time I was growing up, but I alwas elt like someting was missing, but times have chaged and I feel like Im not as alone as I thought I was, It's probably too late and I'm probably too old but I have made up my mind to try growing some feminie breasts.
I don't have a clue as to long it takes but I would apreciate some feedback on that. I am not really sure what I can say on this site but I have also decided that I like the sexual aspects too.
I would like to hear some feedback if you have the time.
- Read more...
- 0 comments
"Leelah Alcorn, born Joshua Ryan Alcorn, walked in front of a tractor trailer in Warren County, Ohio and scheduled a suicide note to be posted on Tumblr after her death." - http://www.christian....suicide/45253.
I don't usually start out this way, on a sad note, but no matter how many times I play these words through my head, there is nothing but the same sad song coming out.
As a person who has lost multiple people to suicide, I am going to say what needs to be said; the living be angered and the dead be damned. It needs to be said.
I am angry with you, kid. Maybe other people won't say that to you, because you are dead, but I will, and I can, because you aren't here to defend yourself, so I can say what ever I want. I have read your note time and time again. I mourn you loss with the rest of the world of people who know what you have gone through, and felt your pain at one time or another, and some who maybe even today, this very moment know exactly what you went through.
I am sad that you are gone, and angry with you. You are not a martyr. I won't follow suit behind the people who say you died for a cause. No You died because you had some Romeo and Juliette romantic fantasy about changing the world by walking in front of a truck. Great. Now you're dead and some innocent semi-driver has to live with knowing he was the one who ran your body over. Didn't see that one coming in your attempt to change the world for the better, did you.
When you were a child, you realized you were different. You told and no one believed you. You said the words and others refuted you. You KNEW WHO YOU WERE.. a gift that so many don't ever get to receive, and instead of staying the course, and hanging on just a little longer, you left. Took your life and ruined the lives of the driver and the people who depended on him. You were suffering, and you made others suffer because you were too selfish to hang on just a couple more years until you could get out of your parents home and live a life of your own.
No, I will not be more kind to you because you are dead. It's the harsh reality that the kids I work with and talk to on a daily basis who feel like their lives are twisted tragedies of maladaptive behaviors and undesirable, unlovable masses of waste now feel like they have an 'out'.
"Leelah did it" [speaking of your suicide] "And people are noticing her!"
My response started out as one of compassion for you when I first heard your story, Leelah. But now it is compassion wrapped with truth. None of this candy coated "Poor Leelah". Rather "Yep Leelah did it and now she will never have a chance to tell her story to other kids going through what she went through, or how she made it out, and really learned to change the world"
A martyr dies for a cause he believes in, and goes to his or her grave with the full knowledge that nothing more could be done on their part, that they fought the good fight until the very end.
You, Leelah gave up.
And now you are a misguided symbol to the transgender kids I work with and talk to; that if things get too tough, their fifteen minutes of fame and admiration will come through their death... NOTHING CHANGES IF YOU GIVE UP!
How many years will people know who you are? How many months will your name roll off the tongues of the youth? People know who Martin Luther King, Joan of Arc, Jesus Christ, Buddha, and Nelson Mandela (Who suffered greatly for his cause though not put to death) because they stayed through the hard times, fought for their freedoms, fought for their rights, and the rights of others.
The problem is not that you were a transgender woman that no one understood. The problem is that you decided you would walk away, take the easy way out. "Mom and dad fuck you" are not words that can be held in high regards. Nope, they didn't listen to you. Nope they didn't treat you with the respect you believed you deserved. Yep that does make them sorta shitty parents. Nope, I don't agree with their actions, nor do I completely condemn them. As parents they did what they felt they could do to make their family whole on a level that they understood. Nothing more nothing less.
Socrates was a man who could have avoided death. There were people on the ready to give up their wealth, their families and their homes to help him escape prison. Other People hated him because he told the truth, and made people see their own hypocrisies. He was the snarkiest man of his day.. He chose to fight the good fight and follow through with the right thing to do. People listened to him, thousands of years ago, and even today. Newsflash.. he was a shitty parent, too and is rumored to have been a terrible son. You were not a terrible son, or a terrible daughter. You were a kid who needed to take more time to grow up.
You had a voice, you gave it away. The last words you wrote were words of deep emotional sentiment, and anger, and hurt, and mistrust. Your words wont last, because there will be another, and another and another who will follow in your footsteps of giving up. You will be in a long sad line of quitters. No one ever remembers the runner up. If you wanted to change the world, you should have stuck around, used your beautiful emotional talent to encourage others to be strong, and go on. Change comes through proactive measures. Not by giving up.
I am sorry you are gone, you had a lot to offer the world. You were obviously someone who had powerful things to say, but now, you can say nothing, and I have to contend with your actions through the kids I work with who say "But Leelah did it".
To everyone else who would read this, I say this to you. Hang in there. Today may be bleak, and full of sorrow, but you are not alone. As trans people, we have all experienced the feelings of isolation, loneliness, and maybe the shame put on us by others.
If you know a youth going through a hard time physically show them this website:
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ The Trevor project is for LGBT youth who see no other way out. If you are the one having a hard time there are a number of ways to get help.
On Facebook, there is a group 'Tri-States Transgender Group' it is a private group- Contact: Emilie Jackson Edney.
There is always another way. Suicide is not the answer, no matter how bad things get. Ask me someday and I'll share my story. Today though, it's about you.
You matter on every level of humanity. And somewhere, you are the single most important person in the world, to someone else. Don't give up. Don't give in.
The myth of Activist Judges
As somebody who gets 100% of their entertainment from online sources, I also get 100% of my news from online sources. One source of news I use is Yahoo.com, which features some of the most diverse and progressive articles written on a mainstream web news source. The comments section of these news articles, however, seems to be made up of some of the most staunch neo-conservative and fundamentalist christian people on the internet outside of forums dedicated to those political/religious affiliations. While homosexual marriage seems limited to homosexual rights, Transgendered people are caught in the crossfire because many states that have denied marriage to homosexuals have also denied marriage to transgenders and transsexuals.
Within the last week, a Judge in Florida issued a ruling that essentially annulled the anti-homosexual marriage law passed in Florida sometime in 2008. This judge issued his ruling with the statement,
"The preliminary injunction now in effect thus does not require the clerk to issue licenses to other applicants, but as set out in the order that announced issuance of the preliminary injunction, the Constitution requires the clerk to issue such licenses."
This judge is essentially saying it is not the injunction that is requiring the state to issue gay marriage licenses, it is the US Constitution that places this requirement on the states, and that the injunction is just an order by the courts to the state of Florida to follow the Constitution's provisions.
The article written for Yahoo! News can be found here: http://news.yahoo.com/federal-judge-allows-gay-marriages-begin-across-florida-225319224.html
If one is to scroll down to the comments section, the tone towards homosexuals flips a switch. Here is a small selection of comments from that section:
"This is just plain wrong and I’m confident is sharing that none of us Christians like this federal judge making decision for us Christians down here in the south."
"One of the biggest moral mistakes in human history is to have same gender individuals believe they can marry.
Genesis 2: 24
Same gender unions lack the tools to have or demonstrate proper relations.........."
"Does the 14th amendment cover father son marriage? See how the liberals havent covered all their lies. Never was gay so called marriage ever thought a right denied. And just as the 14th amendment DOESNT cover father son marriage, NEITHER does it over gay so called marriage. "
These fundamentalist christian comments are common in the Yahoo! news comments section. However, when it comes to articles written when a federal judge issues an injunction within a state to respect the constitutionally guaranteed right to equal marriage rights, there is one comment that pops up every time:
"The people voted and spoke, and did so very wisely.
Then another activist judge, with no understanding of The Law or our US Constitution comes along to be a spotlight whore."
These types of comments are common on homosexual marriage injunction articles, and not just on Yahoo! News articles, but all over the internet. Lets take a moment to examine the claim that judges that place injunctions on states to respect homosexual marriages, and by extension transgendered marriages, are activist judges.
First we must dissect the term Activist Judge. While such a term has yet to be defined in a denotative way, it is obvious Activist Judge implies that an activist judge is using his/her power as a judge to push his/her own political or social agenda. There are, obviously, many problems with this label.
The first problem is that this name calling ignores the Supreme Court's decision on homosexual marriage, in specific its ruling on the Defense of Marriage Act (Love that name by the way; it implies that homosexuals are some how attacking marriage by wanting to get married). If you happen to be out of the loop on that, SCOTUS ruled 5 to 4 (divided across party lines, obviously) that the Defense of Marriage Act was an unconstitutional law.
Those who call federal judges who place injunctions on states Activist Judges are ignoring the Precedent system the courts use. In america, all federal courts are actually assistant courts to the Supreme Court (see the origins of lower courts during America's early history), which means that any rulings the Supreme Court makes are precedents for the affiliated lower federal courts. If you are unfamiliar with precedents, precedents are simply a system in which lower courts are expected to maintain consistency with higher courts by taking previous rulings as preceding rulings to the challenge at hand. If, for example, the Supreme Court rules that laws limiting speed limits to 50mph are unconstitutional, the Supreme Court is also implying that its lower courts hold that ruling as a precedent to further challenges to speed limit laws. This would mean any time a lower federal court receives a challenge to speed limit laws after that ruling, they are expected to respect the Supreme Court ruling as a preceding ruling and must rule in favor of the precedent or push the challenge up to the Supreme Court.
In the situation of homosexual marriage, SCOTUS' decision on the Defense of Marriage Act serves as a precedent for challenges to state level homosexual marriage bans, essentially requiring state level judges to rule in favor of homosexual marriage under the precedent of SCOTUS' ruling on DOMA. Even if a judge believes a state ban on homosexual marriage is somehow constitutional, their hands are tied by the precedent of SCOTUS' ruling on DOMA. A federal state judge must rule in favor of homosexual marriage. So far, the best thing a federal judge has been able to do for anti-homosexual marriage proponents addressing challenges to their state-level bans on homosexual marriage was to push the challenge to the Supreme Court to get a direct ruling on whether or not states are required to follow the ruling on DOMA as a generic ruling on homosexual marriage bans. However, as a side note, since SCOTUS has refused to revoke marriage licenses that homosexuals have as they move from a state that allows homosexual marriage to one that does not, it is my personal opinion that when that challenge hits SCOTUS they will quickly rule that states must respect the constitutionally guaranteed right to equal marriage rights.
In addition to ignoring the precedent system, the assertion that judges that rule in favor of homosexual marriage are activist judges is a misnomer. While I recognize there may be specific, rare incidents of judges ruling outside the law to serve their own political agenda, this is not the case on homosexual marriage rulings. In this case, a precedent is in place which implies the right to homosexual marriage is a constitutionally guaranteed right.
The point is ALL judges are activist judges; all judges are attempting to push a singular political opinion: The Constitution is the highest law in the land. All judges are activist judges pushing for the constitution, and that is not only their job, it is what the constitution says is SCOTUS' only purpose, and by extension the only purpose of its lower courts.
-By Taylor Cogdill
Amare atque Pace, Semper.
- Read more...
- 0 comments
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
hi how to start this blog firstly im from elgin ,moray,uk was born a while ago saffice to say im in my very very late 20,s(51) when i was growing up any fancy dress party or the likes of halloween i would put on my mams (mom) clothes then by 11 my mam bought some new and weirdly fascinating tights(pantyhose) dont know what it was but i fell in love with the desire to wear them so one day i did and started to dress a lot when my mam & dad where out however that could not last forever on the whole it was a wonderful time in my life all i needed was some support as i say it could not last forever one halloween a friend from school caught me while i was out trick or treatimng kinda weird when you are 15 still out dressed up but hey .
but that wasnt the only thing when i was at one of my friends house we would pretend to be out clubbing or being a naughty nurse they never had to look far for a surrogate girl if you like thank god his sister had panties and tights as well as skirts that fitted weird thing was when i was 16 i just asked my friend what would he do if when we were older if i came back as a woman what would he do he said he would beat me up.
a little later in life as i could not hide my desires any longer in the uk we have a paper called the sun ther was an agony aunt called deirdre so i wrote to her telling her my desire nae my wish to be out in public dressed up with or without make-up her reply dissapionted me though she never told me not to she did say that in her opinion i would not be able to do that until i had gone off this mortal coil "bitch" funny though i defied her odds still alive and have dressed full time 24/7 in skirts tights with and without make-up.
so here i am having gone through bigotry and ignorance and a lot of new freinds feeling stronger and looking forward to the future
Recent EntriesLatest Entry
It has been suggested that I start a blog, to hopefully help others that are going through what I have already, and what is a continuing journey, and for support for me, and my relationship. So here goes!
I have been married, for the second time, over 16 years. About 10 years into this marriage I found out, in an email, that my husband had another side to him that I never, ever had a clue about. In the email he gave several websites for me to go look at and read about who is was. He is a cross dresser.
I responded a lot with the typical responses, "Do you want to be a woman"?, "Do you want to be with a man"? "Do you still want to be married to me"?, along with many other questions and concerns. I also asked him why he didn't tell me about this before we married. He said it wasn't an issue then. I felt the normal betrayal and felt like I should have been given a choice to marry into this or not. I understand the fear of telling anyone, the fears of rejection, criticism, even abandonment. I recently found out that he wasn't afraid of me leaving at all, and that if I wasn't happy I should leave.
At first it was the "feel" of panties that he liked, said he did not need to fully dress, no makeup, wig, etc, just liked to wear panties, maybe go out dressed as a sexy nurse for Halloween sometime. With the suggestion of several sites and my therapist (that I was seeing due to another issue of trust between us), and himself, we set simple boundaries. No ruffles, or bows or really frilly panties, and definitely never in the bedroom. Then came the pushing of those boundaries to include frillier and frillier panties. I didn't like that the boundaries were pushed, but still none in the bedroom so that is where things stayed until about 6 mos ago.
I will continue with the last 6 months in another blog, out of respect for him/her, as my husband is on this site and he is telling his story in his own blog.
The hardest part of this for me for a long time was not being told before marriage. In my younger days I hung out with gay guys alot because they were safe for me. I even helped a dear friend go "out" for his first time, and he hit on the wrong person, and then said no, and ended up dead behind the bar that very night. So my main issue with this now is fear, fear for him/her when we go out with him'her being dressed. I'm a worrier anyway, and this is tenfold.
I just wish he/she could see that everything I do, I do for him/her. I'm not criticizing him/her, or trying to tear him/her down at all. Do I wish he didn't have to dress ever, yes, do I think he can, no. I don't want him/her to hide anything from me. I can be accepting. We all have this life we picture, but not all of what we fantasize is reality, I just want us to be happy with what we do have now, whether he's in guy mode or girl mode.
I welcome any comments, good or bad.
Thank you for reading,