Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers.
Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing;
A daily journal about your life and experiences
A journal documenting when you go full time
A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
Dating experiences and tips
Experience with makeup
Passing in public
Your experiences when you go out in public
Transitioning at work
Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
Introspection about your particular gender identity
Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
Dealing with addictions
Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
Interactions with police or government workers
Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
Applying for jobs
Your big day, when you go full time
Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
Experiences with electrolysis
How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
Poetry or prose
These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone.
Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
After my trip to Orlando I have been doubting my transition. I am sure being clocked left and right didn’t help much but I think this is something different. A deeper fear. I have some friends coming into town for a visit and I am a bit nervous about how that will go but we will see(they are good people). I will just be me and roll with the flow thinking of others first. I will take care of myself of course and talk with my therapist. Maybe it was or is just a combination of things that happened to make me wonder if this is what I really want. I was thinking about the long term trying to picture what life would be like and didn’t see a future that I liked. I was alone, not passing, ugly, family and friends staying away from me and bitter about it. This is all in my head, I know that I will feel differently later today probably and that the future is really a mystery that I can help shape. Maybe it’s the hrt giving me a ride on the swing set forcing me to take a look at my fears that are still there just underneath the skin of this confident growing girl. I just don’t know & I don’t need to know. I was seeking something on this last trip but I’m not sure what it was. Maybe my expectations were to high for Orlando. Not sure. I have been here before feeling this way and it will change, I will be here again and it will change, so for today I’ll give myself a break and just be me.
Things are moving in the right direction for me and I feel confident in myself. I am ready to come out to my family and friends. A couple already know. I am just waiting for a time that gives them the space they might need. I am still in boy mode but I’m open and ready. I don’t feel the need to tell the world with a proclamation “here I am!” I am trying to think of others first and give them a better chance to understand what this will really mean for them. A support network is set up for me to help get through this and I am still working on a support group for my family. That is a work in progress. Some days I am on top of the world and other days I don’t have any drive to keep moving forward. I’m not stopping anything I’m just rolling with the flow so to speak. I’m in Orlando now and people are clocking me left and right. This was getting to me a bit but I just remind myself that I’m a good person and meditate when I can. The technique the therapist taught me seems to help a lot. There have been a lot of changes to me physically and I will put that in the next post. I will say that I’m very happy in myself and really the only thing that gets me down is to see others struggling with life in general and how my transition might just pile on to the difficulties. On a positive note when I was getting take out food the other day the girl handed me my order and said here you go girly. I didn’t expect that but I just rolled with it and we both smiled. I also have some new friends that seem great and are in the lbgt community. Not feeling girly now but I’ll just wait a minute.
So, I get in another crash this week. The car in front of me decides at the last moment to make a left turn from my lane and hangs out into it. I stopped in time; the car behind me did not. He tried to avoid hitting me, but no luck. The offending car took off, and the two of us waited for the police to show up. Anyway, my car is back in the shop and I have a rental. My car has SiriusXM and I always listen to music, either rock or classical. Now I have regular radio which I can’t stand, so I listen to NPR. Lots of interesting stuff.
I heard two stories today regarding Pakistan. One about Malala returning, it seems triumphantly as it should be. The other about a transgender person becoming a prominent television news anchor. It turns out that Pakistan is a conflicted country, at once progressive and tribal in nature. And although it is somewhat striking for a transgender person to have a high-profile position, being transgender in Pakistan is taken for granted. Homosexuality is not. Go figure. It seems to me the acceptance of gender and sexual differences is all about culture and custom. It can change—even here.
BTW, no one was hurt in the crash. Fortunately, I won’t have to pay the $8000 repair bill.
Okay so the trip was great and I feel like a new person in a way. All the things that happened and time spent with family were wonderful but we have to go home sometime. right? Well, I feel like I have left a piece of the old me back at my home before I left. The male me if that makes any sense. Chantel mentioned in a comment that we have to say good bye to who we were and let go of the past. Ive been working on that and know that it will take some time but this is much different then I expected. It is like part of me disappeared and this other part was just....there ready to go. I really opened up a bit on vacation and upon returning home I just expected to cover up again. I knew I was going to be a little bit more open than before after having all these experiences but I didn't realize that the brakes were going to get ripped off the train or at least the conductor was going to take a nap. I got up on Friday morning, made a cup of coffee and sat on the lanai. The weather was great as I wrote out what I needed to do and who I had to meet. I will start with dropping some jeans off at the seamstress to get a rip in the button flies fixed. I love these jeans. While I was there in the shop, pop! the jeans I was wearing ripped in the same spot. (yes they are too tight) 2x pairs down. Crap oh well. I was going to the store later in the day to look for a pair of pants that I loved anyway so I might as well go now. Well in the past when I went shopping it was planned shopping with a purpose. The old PSP. I knew what I wanted, what the price was, where to get it and usually where in the store it was located. So in I went and within about 3 minutes had the pants that I was looking for in the size I wanted but then a strange thing happened to me. Something else caught my eye and then another, the shirt is nice, that hoody is cute, this belt is great, I like these shoes and on and on and on it went. I didn't even realize that I was doing it!!!! Until...I could sense someone looking at me so I looked up and it was a friend of mine that I haven't seen in months. Before I started transitioning and he is a mans man. So here I am with an armful of androgynous clothes and a tight shirt on and my nips popping out! I just realized what I was doing and for how long. I was nervous at first but then let it go and just giggled at myself under my breath. Talked about life and an up coming golfing trip just as any other day might be. He even brought his girlfriend over to meet me. After they left I kept on shopping. I spent well over 2 hours in the store trying things on going back for more or a different size, I was on a role and when I finally got to the counter I had NO idea how much I was about to spend (luckily they were having a big sale I knew nothing about. whew). Now I understand girls. I LOVE MY NEW CLOTHES they are very girly and I have been wearing them all around town for the last couple of days. I can't wait to go shopping again. Now I get it girls. I have opened the proverbial door even farther and keep pushing myself. Anyway that is just one example that I have time for right now. My point is that my instinctual thinking has shifted if that makes any sense and the great news is I love it. Next is to learn how to do make up.
Live Love Learn.
So, apparently the transgender chat site I was using was moved to here, but I keep getting an error of EX6.. I am withering away, in the dessert of non-conversation.. I hope that I can get in soon. not sure just when they closed the other site....
I had a wonderful time on vacation and it allowed me to open up more than I expected. I was able to put aside all the crazy little worries about what people would think and just be me for awhile. I didn’t try to look like a female or anything like that I just wasn’t hiding anything from anyone. I have been covering up my body recently as far as boobs (although their tiny, when I look down at them they seem larger then they are, Kind of like a fun house mirror. Haha) the shaving, laser & electrolysis, soft soft skin, skin care regime etc. I let all that go and just didn’t hide it. Before I left i had an elaborate plan to cover up so people & family wouldn’t notice enough to spark questions but as soon as I stepped onto the plane all that changed. When we arrived there were many girls of all ages wearing some great clothing and I was trying them on in my mind. Trying to see what might look good on me or loving a style but realizing that I can’t pull that off yet. It inspired me to work on my body even harder and was great to find a more age, occasion appropriate styles. It was a great place to see all the girls and was almost like a fashion show. Morning breakfast, upscale pool, casual down at the beach, workout attire, casual dining, dressed to the nines for a glamorous night out and on and on. Young & older women taught me so much in a short time. I found myself envying many girls and had fun learning. I guess all of this just let me open up a bit more which was like a chain reaction pushing me forward to explore what I was feeling. I know these are the steps many tg girls have taken but to feel it was really nice. This was a very exciting and freeing trip in a lot of ways but I also connected with my family on a deeper level. Sure there were the annoying things like kids on their phones, bad table manners etc. but there was something more. We talked and played games and discussed life and dreams. We had adventures, fun and relaxed with each other. I was not what I had expected so I thought back to see why I was wrong. I was fearful and tense before going but as soon as I let go of it thing got better. I also made it a point to think of everyone first and be as honest as I could about what I wanted. I took a bit of time to really think about things before making a decision or acting out. (Except when my little one needed me, dad popped out). Now that I’m back at home and work is on the table normal life starts again but I’m different. More confident in my transition making it easier for me to take the next step. More confident in myself as a TG person. More confident as a human being. As a parent, as a partner, as a daughter/son. Thank you all for helping me see and feel the real me!!! One more step...... in the correct direction.
live love learn
I was thinking today as I was laying on a chair how much has changed. I am on vacation and was nervous about how Much I have changed physically and what my wife and kids might say. So I made a decision to just stop worrying about it and be as pleasant and confident as possible. I have not been hiding anything about my appearance and my mannerisms and I feel great so I let it show. My family has been really great and we have been enjoying each other. I have been wearing tight tops and tight jeans at night which shows my chest and butt. I haven’t been trying to make a statement I just feel better wearing them. My wife committed that I look good and she said I have a .....”something about you” is different but really nice. I was happy to hear that. I felt so confident that I have been pulling up my boy shorts to tan my butt and front with a feminine tan line. (I am still in boy mode). No one said anything or looked at me weird. I basically turned my boy shorts into a bikini bottom. The little one did ask why I was doing that and the older one said dads just try change his tan line. I said yes I am I should try to find a shorter bathing suit to make it easier and my wife said I can help you find something. She seemed to like the idea and that was so amazing. We went for a walk this morning and she wanted me to show her the spa and gym (I’ve been going every day for yoga) so with coffee in hand I showed her where everything was. Then we made a couples message and facial appointment together. We are basically going to have a girls day tomorrow. We are even getting our nails done together. I feel like such a girl and very loving. At the same time I feel like a strong dad which is kind of confusing really. At dinner tonight my little one was getting picked on (while we were waiting for our table) so I went and called out the drunk 18-19 year olds and straighten them out (there was about 20 of them but only one punk). I was in dad mode big time. Everything worked out fine but it got me thinking. What am I ? Girl .... boy..... both.....I guess I’m just me and I like both parts. I know it will take a long time to figure all this out but what an amazing experience. Strangers have definitely been checking me out but I can’t read the looks anymore so I just go with the flow and take it as a compliment. I was worried about this trip but reality it has proven me wrong. Again. I never know what is going to happen in a day.
The "Pink Fog" (aka, Gender Euphoria) is something many of us experience as we come into our transgender selves. It feels great, similar to the infatuation of a new love interest. For me I've wondered at times if I'm chasing it which brings up worries that I'm following something akin to the path of an addict instead of my true nature.
This came up for me yesterday morning when I read a story in a friend's blog of a 20-something AMAB person who got so caught up in his being a somewhat effeminate gay man that, with encouragement and advice, he transitioned socially. After some period of living as a woman (a year?) he decided to detransition. Thankfully he'd not embarked on only permanent changes. He now lives comfortably as a somewhat effeminate gay man.
Later in the morning I was working on my house, finishing doors, installing shelving, that sort of thing, wearing of course my old Levi's 501's (no point in staining my skinny jeans!) and a sweatshirt, my hair in a ponytail. My gender was nowhere on my mind but I contemplated that story. I was comfortable doing my work. Dara Hoffman-Fox has made the point (which I agree with) that just because we like "masculine" activities such as motorcyling, woodworking, etc., that's perfectly okay for women. I reassured myself while doing the work.
In the early afternoon I changed my clothes to go out for some errands, including a run to the lumber store. I dressed in my skinny jeans, a form-fitting REI top, earrings, and a little lipstick. I felt good about myself as I drove to the stores. In Trader Joe's I ran into a woman checker that I've gotten to know a little in one of the aisles. She'd just gotten off work. We talked for ten minutes, she's lesbian and about to be married, I'm trans, we share worries about Trump/Pence/Pompeo/Sessions, that sort of thing. She accepts me, we connected and reminded each of other of our names. At the lumber store a man who often helps me assisted me in selecting moldings and as he was ringing me up a woman checker (who happens to be lesbian) I've also worked with there came over to join our chat. I showed them a photo of closet doors I've built out of spruce.
Still later I made a spur of the moment decision to walk to a local restaurant for one of my favorite things: reading my book while enjoying a hot chocolate with brandy. The manager's a woman I've gotten to know a little who's very friendly and appreciates the small amount of business I bring to them.
Every day is my "transgender day of visibility." I don't think I look bad, and sure I'd like to pass much better. I stopped wearing foundation several weeks ago. I wore it before almost like a badge to add clarity that I was presenting as a woman. I guess it worked but of late I don't think it's necessary and is a hassle to remove. Like a pretty dress I save it for special occasions. (I'm such a sucker for pretty dresses. I can't resist!)
At the end of the day it remained clear to me that transitioning to female was absolutely the right thing for me to do. I feel good in my own skin and I think I have a joy that encourages people to connect with me. I feel a thrill when I get gussied up and that's perfectly normal. I also feel good when just going out and about.
And that's the whole point, right?
Hello again. Today I’m feeling “a bit low.” It’s going on eight months since Sue died, and maybe all this aloneness is starting to catch up with me. Then there’s the “always something there to remind me” thing like in the song. I was at a Chamber event the other evening at Westside Hospital with which we were both all too familiar, and who should I happen to run into—her oncologist. Just last week, I was prospecting in a part of town that I don’t visit, but it was where Sue had her first PET scan—seven years ago. We had our difficulties, but after 33 years, there are all the little things I miss. So, I guess I must keep soldiering on. I watched a Star Talk episode last night in which Neil De Grasse Tyson interviewed Stephen Hawking. His final remark was like Churchill: Never Give Up. Sometimes I do, but I’ll think about it tomorrow. That’s it for now.
Well I am off for the islands! This will be the first time I will be ina bathing suit since I started my transition. I am not afraid anymore. I am also ready to tell my wife but I will wait until she is in a better place in her life. It will be interesting to see how the public will react to me. In the air port I was getting a lot of looks. Not sure if they are seeing female or male. Either way I don’t mind. I’m not a shy girl and I feel confident in myself. I will let you know what happens 😍😍
I had a great day today😃. I got dressed as the real me and went for a drive. I just needed to get out of the house so off I went. I didn’t make any stops but had to go and check on some stuff for a client. I felt very alive and girly but it was all normal to me. I had on just casual clothes so I wasn’t all dolled up. I did get nervous that someone I knew would pull up next to me at a light or something but I have tinted windows so that was just in my head. Anyway it was nice to push myself a bit. I will be going on vacation and I will have to be in a bathing suit which is a little scary but we will see what happens. My body has been changing and people are starting to look at me with a tiny bit of “what’s different “ kind of thing. I just remind myself that I am a good person and I stay confident in who I am. I went golfing with my buddies for the first time in a while and they just said I have lost a lot of weight so that is cool. My breasts have gotten bigger and my nipples hurt if I push on them. My but is bigger as well and muscle mass is going down showing more bones than before. I have been doing yoga and it is shaping my body nicely. My skin is sooooooo soft and my eyes are more green now than before. My eye lashes have also gotten darker/longer as well. When I was driving today I pulled down the visor to look in the mirror and I could only see from my eyes down and I said wow I do look really girly. Crazy cool. I have also been trying to help some other trans friends here locally which is nice. I’m kind of turning into a mentor which is just bizarre to me. I not sure how I feel about that....I guess it’s good. I just don’t feel like I know enough and I don’t wanna steer somebody in the wrong direction accidentally. So I will be careful there. Thanks to all for your help😍
As I continue going through my therapy sessions it’s all becoming clear to me. I know what Iam and what I want to do next. My emotions are all cleard up. Now I think it’s time to come up with plan for what’s next which Iam happy about. The truth is Iam a women on the inside and now I want to be a women on the outside.
Well I am sitting here having my feet rubbed while getting a pedicure & manicure. There is a lot of maintenance that goes on with all this transition stuff but there are great perks too! Very relaxing. I was at my yoga class this morning and we have this new instructor who is great. I have been chatting it up with him just a bit and I think he is a very nice guy. Another guy is usually with him and they are probably a couple but I haven’t asked yet. I think that his partner is transitioning MTF but I don’t want to offend anyone so I haven’t asked. I guess that I will just be ready for the right moment. It would be great to make another friend that is MTF and in about the same stage of transition ( if I’m correct), as far as I can tell anyway. I made a mistake awhile back when I asked someone in private and they said no they weren’t transitioning and left it at that. Then I felt so bad about it..... and he said nothing....so I came out to him! What the hell...was I thinking. I wasn’t thinking. I am laughing at myself pretty hard right now. Another good day and my wife has started working on herself a little bit. Little more makeup, talking about weight loss, didn’t drink last night so I’m happy about that. We will see how it goes. Well off to work!😍
you no longer get diagnose with GID. its gender dysphoria. I am constantly have to live 2 identities. One is who i am. The other is who i have to be for everone to be comfortable, for my safety, and for my benefit. this is reason for me to go out as a man and no other. and for me this is the hardest part about my transition. its not the hormones its not dressing like a girl or anthing else. just the fact that i alway been a loner and now i have to try do it as a female. girls whove been sexually assaulted and raped will sometime dress like men for their protection and it have nothing do with passing, its fact that guys dont want to mess w someone who is girl that mirror themself.
the biggest set back in all this is when others dont even try to respect your decision and will try to flip the table for this to be a mental disorder or anthing but the obvious. not all cases of transgender patients have to do with mental illness. Sometimes the mental illness have to do with trying to live two identities in one body. its overwhelming difficult to keep up with. i lose the energy a lot. im depressed cus i cant be who i am. my mind constantly have to use my gender as a mode with a switch instead of natural congruency.
one of the biggest limiting factos for all my projblems have been money. coming from poor areas of life, i learned to hide who i am and just work the job. i did this for money and to be able to work. when i find myself focus on this issues of my life, yes it is one of most difficult thing to come to term with. i wish i had that option when i was 18 even. i never felt worthy of a good job. i will alway just do what they tell me to do. when your livelihood is this, thats what u do. i just couldnt do it anmore. my mind was starting to crack. it became real hard to maintain both, with one being an illusion an actor a facade and the real self just corralled this small genie bottle in my head.
becaus of my limited skills and experience for doing anthing and lack of money, i just get tossed down w everone else who doesnt have this things. im a quiet person. i hate attention most times but i no im looking for something more. i dont want to feel like my best option is to do online adult entertainment, porn, or sex work. and this seem to be what i think a lot of transgirls do when theyre poor. they want the surgey and they going to do whatever it takes to get it.
what im saying w all this, is my strength was in the wrong identity if its a lie, and im forced to try work w be trangender my job market descrease in size. since im not at 100% comfort and feeling secure as woman im still deal with even more stress and this things other people need to unerstand becaus this have been this biggest obstacle. this is what causes all this weird behavior to manifest all the time. and this is why im constant depressed. the world is not going to stop to rotate and say this person needs help. it keeps on spinning and i continue to live as a dependent for someone else who thinks i dont real need money becaus i will just waste it or leave them. so it s ok for them to succeed but nothing change for me. i cant really be taken serious because i constant feel like if i get to liberal im going to be homeless again.
ive done this bouncing around for so long, couch surfed for so long, and now im in my 40s. i dont have kids. i dont have skills for using in a job. i have a degree thats outdated becaus i took my dads advice and when he said "be a trucker" i did it. i dont no why but i keep attracting this dominant women who want to push me around and argue w me when all i real want at this point is my own space and the ability to say no and not compromise ever f----ing time. i been called all the names they dont bother me. but u no sometimes i wonder what its like to live w out these shackles on to do what i want w out being monitored 24/7, w being left just enough resources for survival and thats it. i keep thinking thing will change if i just keep waiting and do more of what im told but it just make me angrier. becaus i no the minute the situation was changed and if i had the financial resources, i woulnt stay in here. id do it alone. im not talking about hand me down or pity money. im talking about job opportunity, not a porn actress. someting i can do.
live as a woman as your gender. lol. i done home maker for long time. but funny that doesnt get counted. only the fashion show and runway model get the attention and only a skirt count as being passable. when your someone's moon in life and even if its not romantic, you rely on them for everthing. its a constant battle for existence. at times im at such low points. any progress i make cant just be like tide coming in and out. i get emotional about this. i cry. i think back on all the mistakes i made i try to imagine if i transitioned 20 years ago. i live in this place. its all i have. its only thing that keeps me going sometime. but i guess the big thing is, when someone say they dont believe im trangender or im not going pass and that someone is the earth i depend on to survive, yea its hard to take.
i ekep try to be who i am cus im the moon. my rules are different. who im am where i sit make sense but for everone else im an airhead. im not saying im stupid, just that i live in my dream so much reality takese second seat for my coping w this expeience. thank for reading this.
so this month been going good i started going thru a lot of things. i am going to some weightloss seminar and i got some new clothes. i went to see an old friend after months of talk to no one. we talk for a long time and i told her what was going on w me when we take a car ride becuz i dont want say that in front of her kids. she just was like. that so fucking cool. you was born both and u get to choose to be a girl. so now it like i am just being more of myself but becaus my roomie tell ppl around here im a man thats how they no me. one of the neighbor keep saying that and we actual get along ok but now im in a position where im about to just say it becaus i dont want keep hiding. i feel like im getting push to this compromised position again becaus i cant provide for myself and im dependent on welfare to try to make this all work. im start to feel confident but it get shot down ever time someone just start talk to me like im a man. i think its strange becaus this never happen my whole life growing up and now all sudden people want to just say that.
im gettintg tired of this being constant source the depression. its making me miserable i feel trapped and im really just want to move but im stuck here. i want be happy for other ppl when good things happen but when are ppl going notice the good thing to happen for me. it like what im doing dont matter becaus im a homemaker and that what i no how to do. and none of it seem to be very appreciated at all becaus it dont make money. i feel like my value just determine by how much money i can make and since im not make money, value = 0. im trying get more confident so i can just be a scretary or something becaus im good to organize things. im tired of living on a couch. this make things very difficult on all levels. ever time i get a little control it just get taken away and im right back at square 1.
then tonight the jealousy come in. how come u making the neighbor cupcakes and not me. well the neighbor dont trash the place and tell me they paying all the bills and demand food and argue w me all the time and say, "this how i no your a man". i no im not making money. im not stupid but im not a slave either. and i no i do everthing. they dont do anthing and if i dont clean the place nothing gets done and it dont matter anways. im real just tired of this argument because i am tired of hearing about how great they are at multitasking on a pc when they got no clue what multitasking real is. one these days things are going change and they can go back to livng in a cave.
it's a little embarrassing, but I am frequently being held up as a role model at our staff meetings. This despite the fact that I haven't made any sales recently, although that is going to change. I guess it's just that I work every day like we are told to do. There is no way around it. Unless you put in the time making calls and setting appointments, you don't have a chance to make sales presentations and close deals. I really don't think that I work that hard. But anyway. I did open another account today with a Bail Bonds and Investigations office. Great guy. He even wants to take me to an exclusive club he belongs to for lunch and even dinner. It may be an introduction for me into the legal world which up to now has been a tough nut to crack for me. I also made one direct sale--not a lot of money, but something. I finally got my neighbour who owns a flooring business to take a look at what we have to offer. I've got a lot of other appointments coming up, so we'll see how it goes. And tonight I went to another speed networking event the Chamber puts on. My little presentation seemed to go okay, and I did meet a lot of nice people again. I'll follow up with notes. I think things will come together by and by.
So, I was thinking about all I’ve been through In the past couple of months and WOW!😁 at the beginning of my transition I was terrified of the smallest things but I just pushed forward. I had to. Little things seem like such a big deal, like wearing girl underwear (who can see that), getting a manicure or pedicure (guys do that all the time), using chap stick, getting laser on my back, trimming the hair on my body more, cleaning up my crazy eyebrows. It all seems so silly to me now but I guess that is the process I needed to go through. I still have little quirks but I don’t get stressed about it now. Well most of the time. Really the only time I find myself get tense is when I get blind sided by something and even then I just take a step back to evaluate. The eye movements technique does help. I have definitely gotten bolder in letting my physical changes present to the world. I have boobs and I don’t hide them under sweatshirts. My butt is getting more feminine and I wear pants to let it show. I don’t hide my skin care regime anymore. I will openly go and get my nails done. I think after I finally got honest with myself and truely accepted that I am trans is when I started testing myself. I was talking with my therapist about if I should continue transitioning. How I could stop for my kids and the long & short of it is I will not stop. I don’t want to and I don’t think I could without being miserable. That is a bad thing to teach my kids. So I finally let go of the old me. Not completely just the things that weren’t really me and work on that everyday which makes life more enjoyable and exciting. When I woke up this morning to get the kids ready for school I passed by a big mirror and looked at myself. Even with the bed head and sleepy eyes I saw a female looking back. Yes my appearance is looking more girls but this was something deeper kind of in the eyes. I also noticed that my hair is getting longer and I need to find some kind of androgynous hairstyle. I don’t know what to do about that so if you have any thoughts I’d love the input. My friend and I were having coffee and I told him (ftm) that I like his style so maybe that will work. Anyway, I wish you all a great day.
Things are going great and I am 42 days on hrt and 73 days since I started my transition. My body has been changing which feels great. I have spent time with my therapist working on coming out to my wife and I feel much better than before. We came up with a plan where I focus on the marriage and trying to get her wealthy and happy. She has been stressed and unhappy for awhile now. So I Asked her the other day about us, our future and if we could work on things. She told me that she is feeling much better about me and the marriage since I stopped drinking. I haven’t had a drink since I made the decision to transition or even a desire to drink which is amazing. She is really stressed about work but I sense there is more to it. She has been drinking a lot herself and I told her I loved her and was worried. “I just want you to be happy what ever that means, it’s all going to be okay”. She seems to be happier since that day and I will just keep moving forward with her. The goal is to get her to a better place in her life so she will be able to handle the news of my transition. I am trying to think of her and my kids first. Hopefully she will open up about what is really under the surface. I have a couple of ideas so we will see. The fear that starts to take over when I practice coming out to her or even imagine it has really gone down. My therapist is also a trained neurobehavioral therapist so she has all these cool techniques to work with. One that has helped me tons has to do with eye movements. When I feel that intense fear or while in therapy trying to feel it, she would hold her hand flat in front of my face about a foot 1/2 away. Then while I focus on the feeling she would move her hand from side to side and I would follow with my eyes, keeping my head still. Now, when we started this I thought it was stupid but I did it anyway. I did feel a tiny bit better that day. BUT... every time I start to feel that intense fear and anxiety, I do the eye movements pretending to follow her hand. It has worked amazingly well. Crazy good. I have been feeling so content and calm. I have actually been trying to feel the fear just so I can make it go away. She told me that the cycle of wanting to transition but not doing it because of fear and then pushing it away has built up in a progressive manner. This makes it harder and harder to get through it and most people don’t. I hope this help someone like it has helped me. What a fantastic journey......what will be next. I am writing this with my wife sitting right in front of me. I used to wait until I had some “safe time”. I have so much to say but I’m running late for a meeting. May tomorrow.
Yesterday was my wife's birthday, so it has been a bit of a poignant weekend. As it is, I have created my own little world, and overall, it seems to suit me quite well. My wife used to say that I really didn’t need anybody since I was so self-contained. I hate to think that’s the case, but there is truth to it. I have such a routine with the dogs and the house and everything needs to be on schedule. I really doubt that anyone would want to put up with that. I certainly don’t want to wish myself on someone at this point. Besides, I don’t want to take on anymore heartache and tragedy. I have absolutely zero desire to go out. I do make myself go to evening Chamber of Commerce functions—some anyway, and I am obligated to attend AFLAC awards parties, although I go under duress. I don’t drink anymore either and this is a party crowd. I’m just so content to be at home in the evening, dressed in comfy clothes, and looking out after my puppies. It’s quiet on the weekends. During the week, my phone chimes often with texts from my boss and co-workers. I still hear from family and friends, so I do have social life of sorts. It seems to work.
I was hoping to come back with a splash, but that will have to wait. For the record, I did hit my Fireball award--which came with a nice bonus--and I am now aiming for Super Fireball and an even nicer bonus. I am continuing to do what I do and try new things too. Nothing earth-shattering yet. I still feel confident that I will make my next goal. When I do, my boss wants me to take a leadership position on our team which means having a small team of my own along with a quota that goes with it. I'm not quite ready yet, but it is a nice vote of confidence. I have led teams before so I know how to do it. I won't mind the extra money that comes with it too. Aside from that, life goes on about the same. I pretty much work, eat, sleep, and do some dressing when I'm home. I am doing okay. I hope everyone else here is doing well.
So after 4 months of taking over the counter estrogen and other dietary supplements I've made my appointment take my blood test now I'm waiting for results to go back to start HRT full-time although I practically been on my own HRT for the past 4 months which end result have been positive such as breast budding and softer skin and overall good health and sore and sensitive nipples that
Are all ways hard .😀
It seems that many (all?) Seattle neighborhoods—including mine—have these small kiosks where we can drop off books for others and choose from what's there, all for free. That's just so cool for someone like me who loves to read and I often wonder if others appreciate the ones I drop off. The other day I found "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I started reading it and loved it so much. I found myself literally laughing out loud while reading it in coffee shops!
On Sunday morning I curled up on my couch with a cup of coffee to finish it before getting ready to join some friends for lunch. In the last pages I came across some paragraphs that spoke to me directly:
Excerpts from “Eat, Pray, Love”
On my ninth day of silence, I went into meditation one evening on the beach as the sun was going down and I didn’t stand up again until after midnight. I remember thinking, “This is it, Liz.” I said to my mind, “This is your chance. Show me everything that is causing you sorrow. Let me see all of it. Don’t hold anything back.” One by one, the thoughts and memories of sadness raised their hands, stood up to identify themselves. I looked at each thought, at each unit of sorrow, and I acknowledged its existence and felt (without trying to protect myself from it) its horrible pain. And then I would tell that sorrow, “It’s OK. I love you. I accept you. Come into my heart now. It’s over.” I would actually feel the sorrow (as if it were a living thing) enter my heart (as if it were an actual room). Then I would say, “Next?” and the next bit of grief would surface. I would regard it, experience it, bless it, and invite it into my heart, too. I did this with every sorrowful thought I’d ever had—reaching back into years of memory—until nothing was left.
Then I said to my mind, “Show me your anger now.” One by one, my life’s every incident of anger rose and made itself known. Every injustice, every betrayal, every loss, every rage. I saw them all, one by one, and I acknowledged their existence. I felt each piece of anger completely, as if it were happening for the first time, and then I would say, “Come into my heart now. You can rest there. It’s safe now. It’s over. I love you.” This went on for hours, and I swung between these mighty poles of opposite feelings—experiencing the anger thoroughly for one bone-rattling moment, and then experiencing a total coolness, as the anger entered my heart, as if through a door, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers and gave up fighting.
Then came the most difficult part. “Show me your shame,” I asked my mind. Dear God, the horrors I saw then. A pitiful parade of all my failings, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance. I didn’t blink from any of it, though. “Show me your worst,” I said. When I tried to invite these events of shame into my heart, they each hesitated at the door, saying, “No—you don’t want me in there … don’t you know what I did?” and I would say, “I do want you. Even you. I do. Even you are welcome here. It’s OK. You are forgiven. You are part of me. You can rest now. It’s over.”
When all this was finished, I was empty. Nothing was fighting in my mind anymore. I looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and I saw its capacity. I saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more. Its love was infinite.
I knew then that this is how God loves us all and receives us all, and that there is no such thing in this universe as hell, except maybe in our own terrified minds. Because if even one broken and limited human being could experience even one such episode of absolute forgiveness and acceptance of her own self, then imagine—just imagine!—what God, in all His eternal compassion, can forgive and accept.
I also knew somehow that this respite of peace would be temporary. I knew that I was not yet finished for good, that my anger, my sadness and my shame would all creep back eventually, escaping my heart, and occupying my head once more. I knew that I would have to keep dealing with those thoughts again and again until I slowly and determinedly changed my whole life. And that this would be difficult and exhausting to do. But my heart said to my mind in thre dark silence of that beach, “I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you.” That promise floated up out of my heart and I caught it in my mouth and held it there, tasting it as I left the beach and walked back to the little shack where I was staying. I found an empty notebook, opened it up to the first page—and only then did I open my mouth and speak those words into the air, letting them free. I let those words break my silence and then I allowed my pencil to document their colossal statement onto the page:
“I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you.”
Those were the first words I ever wrote in that private notebook of mine, which I would carry with me from that moment forth, turning back to it many times over the next two years, always asking for help—and always finding it, even when I was mostly deadly sad or afraid. And that notebook, steeped through with that promise of love, was quite simply the only reason I survived the next years of my life.
My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They say an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well—the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it is born.
I think about the woman I have become lately, about the life I am now living, and about how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life, liberated from the farce of pretending to be anyone other than myself. I think of everything I endured before getting here and wonder if it was me—I mean, this happy and balanced me, who is now dozing on the deck of this small Indonesian fishing boat—who pulled the other, younger, more confused and struggling me forward during all those hard years. The younger me was the acorn full of potential, but it was the older me, the already-existent oak, who was saying the whole time: “Yes—grow! Change! Evolve! Come and meet me here, where I already exist in wholesomeness and maturity! I need you to grow into me!” And maybe it was this present and fully actualized me who was hovering four years ago…
Liz started her life-changing journey four years earlier. My journey also started exactly four years ago in 2014 when I started seeing a new therapist. At our first meeting I told him that I carried a tremendous secret shame that I'd never fully divulged to anyone and that, this time, I promised to go "open kimono" if he'd be patient and encouraging. He was kind and patient as it took me several months to even broach the possibility that I might be transgender.
Throughout our 3+ years together he talked about how to listen to our inner turmoils, accept and love them, and gently put them on a treasured shelf of trophies in my mind. Like many things like this it's much easier said than done. I think I know now how correct he, Zen, and Liz are.
To paraphrase the last paragraph I absconded from Liz's book: I think about the woman I have become and am becoming, the life and joys I am living, and how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life. Truly, I've never felt so at peace, such love, and happy. It's like I'm channeling Sally Field as she accepted her Oscar, "You like me, right now! You like me!" I'm a happy girl.
P.S. I suspect that Liz and her publisher would be okay with my copying about 1,000 words from her book. I heartily endorse it (and not just to appease the Plagiarism Gods). She's an amazing woman, a delightful writer, and tells an important story.