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  • Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
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Our community blogs

  1. Latest Entry

    On Sunday, I finally got around to cleaning out my wife's medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I am still going through bathroom stuff--I gress I have been putting it off. It's strange going through someone else's personal belongings. My wife and I were together for over 30 years, although we were not intimate for the last 14 years or so. She couldn't deal with the idea of dressing let alone the physical expression of it. I think it became so ingrained in her thinking that she couldn't modify her stance. And then 8 years ago, she go cancer, so that was another chapter. And then, we had the aftermath of all the treatments, wh​​ich virtually left her house bound.​ Massive diarrhea. She sometimes spent most of her day, and night, in the bathroom. Both of us cleaned a lot of messes. Many trips to the doctors over the years with little improvement. In the end, we did make some headway with her bowels, but then COPD kicked in, and that seemed to be the last straw. Her body just wore out. So, going through her things, you see what someone does to cope with life as it is. In her case, it was a fear of running out of something, so she has loads of medicine and you name it. I think I have enough food in the house to last a year. Just need to buy fresh things. I wonder what someone will think when they go through my things. I think I want someone who knows who I am.

    So, I am super busy with my new career. Lots of meetings and training and courses to take on line. Right now my prospecting is in the hard grind phase because it's all I know how to do at the moment. I do have a direct sale opportunity pendintg with one of my neighbors who I think will buy and accident policy. Yesterday, after Monday meeting, I spent three hours walking around our local industrial parks, stopping in businesses, and trying to make appointments. Hard go. I stopped in 51 businesses, talked to 20 decision makers DMs, and got zero appointments. I did get some positive responses, however. So, it will be worthwhile to call back. Today, I did 43 stops, with 8 DMs, and did get two appointments. I think it will get easier. I'm sure getting my exercise and fresh air if nothing else.

    I had a teeth cleaning this morning, and I had to tell Trish, our hygienist, that Sue had died. I had previously let the office know, but word never got back to her. We had both gotten to be good friends with Trish, and so I had to tell the story again. I think everyone knows by now. I told Trish that I thought of her every time I brushed my teeth.

    So that's it for today's edtion. I do have to rein in my clothes shopping, at least a little. Now I have to buy a laptop for work, but that's a business expense, and it looks like i can get what I need for around $250 at Walmart. Not bad. But then, we still get all these catalogs in the mail, and I ended up buying a posture bra from AmeriMark. I just couldn't resist, and besides, I do need to improve my posture--right?

     

  2. Much has been said on this website about dressing - obviously! - here was my experience this morning. I'm at my field placement today, which is a social work internship, so it requires a good balance of looking professional, without going too far and creating the appearance of a power imbalance. Add to that mix that I had a dental appointment in the morning before I came here. Usually that wouldn't impact anything, but I go to the NYU Faculty Dental Practice, and the student I go to is really, really cute. So, add to the equation trying to look as cute as possible for the dental student :-)

    Last time I saw him he mentioned a girlfriend (which was admittedly a little painful to hear), but that was back in June, so who knows!  More important though is that I decided it doesn't matter if I actually have a chance with him, I want to learn to act, and dress like I do (not just for him, but generally). So I think I found a good balance :-)  (had it been a non-internship day I would have worn one of the tank tops that I have that I think are very flattering)

    Of course then I get to the appointment and the first thing that happens when you're in the chair is that they put that protective bib on you - why even have cleavage to show!?!? Then they have these goggles for you to wear to protect from the spray while they're doing the cleaning - so at this point there's no way I look at all cute :-(

    But the takeaway remains! I want to date, I would like a relationship, so I have to take that into account now and then and dress accordingly :-)

    xoxo

    Chrissy

  3. Yesterday I read this article on Transgender Universe by Mila Madison (I love her writings):

    Is It Safe to Come Out?

    You see, yesterday was National Coming Out Day. On reading the article it occurred to me that for most people the definition of "coming out" is a single event, coming out of the closet, letting others know ones true/authentic nature (sexuality, gender, etc.), and then it's done. That stirred up some thoughts for me as I considered that I came out all of the past year and see myself continuing to come out for at least the next year and maybe beyond. i added a comment to MIla's article that I've edited below:

    I think a point can be made that coming out isn’t binary, all or nothing. For example, I started coming out to selected friends, family and professionals one year ago. I kept a list on my phone, marveling as the number slowly grew from single digits into the teens. I told them, mostly in person, that I am transgender and had been since my earliest memories. All were more or less supportive.

    About six months ago I couldn’t wait any longer and wrote a long-ish email to about 50 colleagues and friends. I then forwarded it to others as I thought about them. Most answered very positively, a few didn’t answer, and no on disparaged me. My number had grown to about 100.

    About six months ago, very tentatively, I started dressing and going out in public. What fear and anxiety! Buying clothes on Amazon, afraid even to return those that didn’t fit for fear that the UPS guy would discover my secret. I started by attending all professional meetings (therapist, doctor, stylist, etc.) presenting fully as Emma.

    Thankfully I have a supportive network of friends. One girlfriend took me to Nordstrom Rack and Sephora for shopping a few weeks ago. We left loaded down with bags like the women in Sex and the City. Another suggested I go to a local woman’s consignment shop; they were wonderful. Last week I ran errands, first to a lumber store to buy a bunch of wood for basement shelves, to Nordstrom Rack to return a jacket (and yes, buy another), Trader Joe's, and Bed, Bath, and Beyond... all as Emma.

    Yesterday I went to pick up some sheet metal to fix a door, presenting as a woman. Talk about a bastion of testosterone. No one batted an eye. I also went out for coffee with a male friend whom I had told I’m trans but had never seen me dressed.

    As of yesterday I’m starting to dress all or most of the time, authentically as myself, a woman, Emma. I take the public transportation downtown, go grocery shopping, the bank, you name it. I agree completely that we need to be visible so that our sisters and brothers behind us will witness our progress while the cisgender population learns that we’re just out and about, living our lives in peace and harmony with everyone. So what's left?

    There are more bridges left to cross, such as:

    • Using my feminine speaking voice that I'm taking weekly lessons on. I'm nervous about that. Thank goodness my next door neighbor liked the way my "Good morning!" sounded to her this morning and volunteered to make herself available for me to practice as needed.
    • Go for a bra fitting. I'm waiting for my breasts to bud more before doing that. I imagine that one of these days my breast forms will feel even more uncomfortable riding on top of my natural breasts. Oh, and then I'll be wearing a bra all the time, too.
    • Select and wear a women's swim suit out and about. Likely next summer.
    • Go to Macy's and places like that for a makeover. I could really use professional help with my makeup.
    • Get my fingernails and toenails painted. Gosh, once that's done there's really no way to present as anything but a woman, is there? 
    • Get my hair styled and maybe add some highlights. My hair will be long enough in 4-6 months, I think, so I have some time. 
    • Change my legal name, drivers license, passport, etc. That's probably for 2019!

    That's all I can think of for now but I'm sure I'll come up with more! Hey, that's part of the fun isn't it?

    XXXOOOXXX

    Emma

     

  4. Two of my girlfriends and I went out to go dancing and let our hair fly on Saturday night. It was great, we arrived to the club and were welcomed with open arms. Guys were buying us drinks and we danced our asses off. 

    When it was time to leave we had a 6 block hike in our 6 inch heels to the parking lot, but some young kids decided to harass us while walking to our safe zone.

    One of my girlfriends, who will remain nameless, was assaulted one time by a man who continuously called her a freak while she was walking alone to her car after work a few years back. 

    Because of that terrible attack we walk in numbers — ALWAYS. When being harassed by these punks I took a photo of their license plate causing them to stop in the middle of the road threatening to run me over with the car.

    Here's where the story elevates; as they made the threat two deputies were coming out of a diner and heard the words spewing from the mouths of these thugs. It only took them seconds to react and the trio were taken into custody. 

    The deputies said it didn't matter that we were CD/TG, we were people who needed help and that's what they do.

    I love the Emerald City.

    The moral of the story is simple: Walk in numbers and don't be afraid to ask for help.  

  5. With my two year anniversary in regards to physical surgeries coming up I have been reflecting on recent changes along with my comfort level has changed in the past few months.

    Although I've been very comfortable since surgery over time there are things that change which are not always easy to describe, for instance, how I view the world as a whole then how I view my part as a female in every aspect of my life. I know not everyone has positive outlooks, some have constraints of various kinds that have no control over them while others have the capabilities to overcome them where decisions are made to break them or move past them. Me, for the majority of them I have broken past them and part of this comes from self confidence.

    A good example (as per the image below) is me wearing a red dress out with several friends whom I made over the past two years, none of them know of my former life.

     

    Pit_Stop.jpg

    Next up, I believe part of my mother is surfacing in me. She always dressed smartly during the day as a bank manager, when out for the evening with my father always turned heads (as my father would say) first from her beauty and also from how she dressed. With that, recently I wrote about my clothing style and I have continued by purchasing more dressed and shoes to go along with them. Yesterday I decided that the next element that needed to change was outerwear. So off to Macy's to look at winter coats where my goal was to find one something classy along with keeping me warm when it gets cold out. Never would I have guessed that the color shown below would be my final selection as in the past I've always gone with black but I think that all goes back to how one changes over time from the effects of hormones, physical surgeries and confidence. Back to the coat, the price tag said 275 USD with a 25 percent discount which should have brought it down to 207 but not sure how but it rang up as 154 (sweet), no complaints from me and decided not to ask how it got that low.

    Coat.jpg

  6. Kitrah

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    My fear is heightened and I take measure to insure my safety by living two different identities. One within the house and one with the public. Since there are people in the world who will hurt me if they find out then I am not going to present myself in a dress. So for dress, I continue dress as a man and it doesnt matter for me to do that, although I do like to dress as a girl. I know there is people who think I'm trying to trick people by not be forthcoming, but I that my choice, not theirs. I dont think at the top my list I need to disclose all my life and details to be stalked and harassed when the law enforcement and legal system will do little to protect me. So if my defense is to dress in a manner that discourage people from giving me unwanted attention be in "guy" mode then i have no problem doing that. So my choice in how to dress is more about survival.

    I think it interesting that guy still seem to think that the reason any girl wear makeup or dress up is to impress them when for my reality it always been about to feel better about myself and make me feel more confident in my own skin. I never think to myself, time to get sexy so i can trick someone into sleeping w me. It do make me uncomfortable because this are the same kind of guys who think the girl is asking for it. When you have spent time on both side of the fence, you know how guys act and honestly, it is a big disappointment. They often just act in ways toward the end result and getting laid. For my girl friends, this never seem to be the case because we can talk for hours and have deeper connection. Again, this have been my experience. This make me think how important men are sexually for me in the grand scheme of thing or the emphasis in fully passing all the time to "impress" them.

    Then there things that men are just better at than i can be although I have had maculine girls who have been great about standing up for me when other have attacked me, which is nice. I know some people prob think stand up for yourself, but it is nice when you have someone who is able to support you like that. There is something nice about the masculine type and it ability to bounce bricks of negative thoughts and action and it dont seem to notice or care. Where someone say something to me and 5 hour later i try to figure out what they mean or if they real think that about me.

    Being able to fully embrace who I am seem be ongoing work. It seem get better than how it used be for me. i hated have to be a man. i hated have to sweat or drink beer. It much easier to be myself and do what i like instead of pretend to care about things i dont.

  7. So I need to start going through my house every coupla years and just looking at the stuff that is lying around/saved somewhere.  I have saved some really useless junk over the years.  Anyone remember the Isle of Lost Toys from the old Christmas specials?  Apparently we are running the Sanctuary of Lost Cords.  Which of course Nikki won't let me throw any of those out because we might need them some amorpheous day in the future.  Fine, he let me throw most of the rest of the junk out, and we can do a great device to cord matchup event when we settle to be sure what is junk beyond doubt I guess.  

    It really is amazing the accumulation of things in an average life.  We're not shoppers, we go outta her way to not do that.  We're not garage sale hounds, or antique hunters, or any sort of real collectors of anything.  I can only imagine how much more stuff people who enjoy those things either have to dispose of often or build up.  

    Well, back to work.  :) At least until the Cheeto declares everything in the country as his.   I'm surprised that man hasn't tried to pass an act yet that he owns everything and we have to pay rental on our things.  After the pay to have them in the first place, of course.  

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  8. So, you see after Forever I am adding a new blob giggles.

    Yeah a big pile of blob, why eh I suppose because here is a place just to dribble out some thoughts without disturbing the flow of a thread, or a means to vent without disturbing the flow of the forum.

    I know that not everyone appreciates my opinions or views on life, wether or not if it has anything to do with transition or not, not everyone will, I respect that, I do.

    That being said, some times you just want to reach thru the screen and grab the other person and give em a bit of a shaking lol.

    Ahhhh you twat giggle

    Smile everyday even when some self absorbed thumb sucking twat struggles through life and wishes to drag you along for the shitty ride. Oops PG nah you know better coming here, yup you do don't you, that's why you read my posts because in the end of it all I will never lie to you why should I I don't expect you to lie to me, if you think I am a blow hard big mouthed deisel dyke who prattles on tell me that because I will tell you your a twat. Smiles and laughs.

    Thanks Mom and Aunts for my understanding no one wants needs or deserves to be Molly coddled. 

     

    You know it's been a hell of a trip but in general transition is fine, yeah I wish I had done a few things differently but for the most part, it's exactly what I knew it would be, life in a different pair of pants.

    Just go live your lives free from the delusion transition will change everything, because it won't, you will change what you see needs to be changed, you will feel it's over when you feel it, no one can control you unless you allow them to. Grow up be an adult and live the last bit of this life you have to it's fullest.

    And yeah life can beat the hell out of you just drag your butt up and say is that the best you can do well here you go I can take it.

     

  9. Latest Entry

    Hi Guys

    I had a wonderful week this week. Last week I told you of a horrible incident that happend when somebody was rude and upset me about being Transgender and a park in the UK last week. Well I have some good news after speaking to the park they were wonderful and invited me back to made my dream of being Slimed come true. (I had always wanted to be on on a messy childfens game show growing up but was bullied at school and was told I was to ugly to be on TV. )I went back yesterday and despite and long train journey it was worth it. Everybody was so kind and understanding. So a huge thank you to Blackpool Pleasure Beach, Nickelodeon Land and Team Nick, and Nickelodeon uk. I may still be ugly but at least my dream came true

    But as you can see I made a bit of a mess of slime box. Sorry Team Nick. I have also included the video of me being slimed I am on the left in the yellow t-shirt.

    VID_20820805_222320_498.mp4

  10. Day one of this new medication is going terribly so far. I feel so tired and groggy even though I slept 16 hours! I took the medication around 7:30, went to sleep at 8:30, and woke up around noon. This reminds me of my last medication which made me half asleep all day. This one is making me half asleep as well but it's more like 3/4 asleep considering I could sleep anytime, anywhere where as my last medication I could stay awake for about 3 hours after taking it. I also am having quite vivid dreams which wasn't very fun since I have a history of nightmares and night terrors.

    I read up on it and apparently this drowsiness should dissipate after about 2 weeks. I don't know if I can wait that long but I will. I don't want to stop it and have to see the psychiatrist again so soon and have her thinking I just want attention like she did yesterday. I'll probably lag on the blog for the next couple of days since this drowsiness is taking over me.

  11. So, I think one of my earliest identity issues was that I didn’t know I was transgender, and having had no real role models to look to, or internet to search, I made that big mistake of confusing sexuality with gender.

    I had always known I was different and I put a lot of these feelings down to being sexually abused by a man when I was younger.

    I made the mistake of feeling feminine rather than masculine and blamed that on my confusion around what had happened in my younger years. So, like others I tried whatever I could to repress those feelings, I abused my body by self-harming; something I began shortly after the abuse.

    I would burn, scold, cut and break as much of my body as possible, culminating in quite a broken body, both mentally and physically. Obviously, this couldn’t go on.

    Around 10 years ago I entered in to professional help, and spent much of the next two years learning to deal and come to terms with much of this emotional baggage. It was during this time that I began to dig deeper in to these ‘feelings’ and to explore what it actually all meant.

    Knowing now what I didn’t know until then was a massive sea change in my life and once I had learned to take control of what this meant, life has become a little easier.

    One of my major ‘revelations’ was that gender does not equal sexuality and this has helped me to move beyond my repressive behaviour and to live a little more at peace with who I am.

    Obviously like many ‘different’ social groups, collectively we are seen in a sexual nature. With the boundaries between a Crossdresser, Transvestite and Transgender being viewed as one in the same, when in fact, we are very different in nature and purpose. I think this is also why so many transition later in life, because we have yet to understand where we fit within the gender spectrum ourselves.

    Tests like the Cogiati are good in terms of helping those who are not transgender determine what it is about wanting to dress like a woman and what it means in particular to them. But for those who are transgender, it does nothing but confirm our beliefs. The Cogiati is, I guess similar to the multitude of quizzes you find in certain womens magazines or online. But for those of us who have known all along, it does nothing valuable, it’s not a diagnosis, or likely to influence us to who we are. In fact I have spoken to a number of post-operative Trans who, when taking the ‘test’ have come out as Androgynous, so it should never be taken as a definitive diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria.

    So I guess, my main point is that, it’s ok to be different, but only you will know how different you actually are.

    Love

    C.xoxo 

  12. The day didn't start out all that great to begin with... so I guess there was no reason to expect that it would end on a good note.  So why not just vent, get it out of my system, and start fresh tomorrow?  So, after reading this article someone sent me ....

    I guess it's good that ANY exposure will bode better for us... but are poorly written articles, no matter how well-intentioned, any better than those that sensationalize news and other stories when there just happens to be a transgender person involved?

    I.     This article, while informative to cisgender people about the health issues of trans people (has to be for them 'cause we already knew this), does nothing to help dispell the beliefs and misconceptions too many cisgender people have about transgender people.  I think the reporter, Karen Kaplan, should learn a bit more before trying to take on a topic she obviously knows little about.   Even though most of her article is simply passing on information from a study, her opening lines nearly kept me from even ready the rest of the article.  Makes me sorta think she's meerly jumping on a bandwagon that she believes is suddenly popular and therefore a potentially better payday.*

    II.    The reporter defines to her readers, most of whom I am sure are cisgender, what being transgender means, "their gender identity is not the same as their gender at birth."  Hmmmm.  This statement indicates that she clearly does not understand that that sex and gender are seperate, and that sex does NOT always guarantee a particular gender.  And how can anyone determine/dictate what a child's GENDER is at birth since that child cannot communicate that to anyone yet?  Of course the same applies to the reverse statement that followed.

    III.   "Gender-majority?"  WTH is that??  I think we have a good cross-cut of people who come to this board - I've not seen the mention of anything called "gender-majority."   I see this [new?] term as nothing more than something else to further marginalize trans people.  To emphasize that we are no more than a minority.  That is what America did to the variety of peoples in this country - made smaller, especially non-white groups, "minorities."  And where does that term come from?  "Minor."  And what does "minor" mean?   Inferior.  Not serious.  Not up to par.  Secondary.  Less than.  And then what did I find further down in the article?  "Gender minority."  God, I hope this doesn't catch on!

    So who coined this new term?  Surely it wasn't a transgender person.  I hope.  Was it the researchers from Brigham & Women’s Hospital  and Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center?  I would think that such entities and the people who staff those places would own a good grasp of terminology.  Or was this a brain-fart of Kaplan's, thinking she'd come up with something that she could go down in the books for, or perhaps a term she thought her cisgender readers might better understand or relate to?  Or maybe to allow those who think that way, to continue to believe they are better than we are?

    Okay.  Sorry for the rant.

    I'm done.    

    I thought about emailing Ms. Kaplan... I mean, since her email addy was right there at the bottom of the article, and all.  But I decided against it.  I'm not sure I am capable of a diplomatic butt-chewing.  And I wasn't in the mood to educate...  least ways, not right now...

     

    * Of 25+ pages of so-called "recent articles" by Kaplan - all the way back to May 2015 - the article on the healthcare of trans people appears to be the first article she's ever written about trans people, despite the fact that she has many articles with topics for which she has reported on multiple times for one reason or another.  Even in an article about bullying, there was no mention of transgender people, or even LGBT people.  Why suddenly now?

  13. Hello! It has been almost exactly a year since I last posted. Partly because I've been busy and partly because I couldn't find the site because I forgot what it was called! I have a lot of updates, this is almost an origin story so get comfy ;)

    So, in May/ June i decided that I was done with moping around being a miserable git and feeling sorry for myself, it was time for change. I started to compile a letter to my family and friends the tell them about the new me. The first draft was about 3000 words and didn't read very well but with a little tweaking I got the count down and it was ready. I sent one to my mum, sister, best friend and I hand delivered the one to my girlfriend because she lived in my city. I know there would be a mixed bag of reactions but the one coming first would be from my girlfriend because she didn't have to suffer the Royal Mail. I was absolutely terrified! I had the letters teetering in the post box, only half in because once there in thats it! No take backsies.

    Ill be more than happy to share the letter with you all if you would like, just let me know in the comments. I know it would probably have been better to say it all face to face but it was logistically not possible and I can't speak what I want it comes out as jibberish when I'm nervous.

    So later that evening I received a text from my girlfriend to ask me to come over. I gave her an out in the letter and said that I would understand if she didn't want to be with me because of it, its only fair. As soon as she opened the door she burst into tears and I almost broke down myself. She wasn't crying because she was breaking up with me, she was crying at the idea of not being with me. It was all very emotional and we talked for hours about the future and what's going to happen next.

    The next day I got a call from my sister crying, but it was more of a happy cry. She was very supportive and continues to be so to this day. I also got a text from my mum telling me she got the letter. *Back story, both my mum and my sister skipped to the end of my letter because they thought it was a joke. Mum then called, crying, and in the outset she seemed supportive. I went to go see her and she back tracked a lot, she didn't get it which is understandable and she didn't necessarily agree with it. The trip made me very sad and I cried a lot in bed that night. She has since become the amazing mum she had been for many years before.

    That was all in the space of a week in June, there was a lot of emotion flying around.

    Fast forward a month and my city's annual LGBT festival was happening. Oh wait I missed a bit, my girlfriend decided to stay with me because she is amazing! Honestly I wouldn't be the person I am today without her help and support. I am merely pieces of a person but she is my glue, keeping me together. So yeah LGBT festival, I wanted to go out as a woman for the first time. I figured that if I don't look perfect then that would be okay because everyone's dressed up and heading to the gay bar! I picked out an outfit, which was approved by my gf ;) and we headed out with our friend. It was the happiest moment in my life that I can remember for a long long time. Being out, being dressed up, it was exhilarating! I once went to a fancy dress party as a girl when I was 16, no one cottoned on to what I was doing which was fantastic and sad at the same time. So that was pride!

    Not much happened in the months following, I started epilating (ow) and practicing with make up. Then when Halloween rolled around I took another chance to go out as Faith. Oh yes, my new name is Faith :) Halloween is a wonder out time where people can be anyone they want, so I did. We had a party and then hit the town. I was having a great old time and even bumped into a few people from uni who didn't recognise me which felt great! Of course my friend rumbled me by calling me by my old name but hey, who cares! I also went out New Years and unfortunately got entangled in a conversation with some random people which was tough because I don't have a woman's voice as of yet but they seemed nice and didn't point it out.

    I have taken some big steps to becoming Faith, I have changed my name, I have been put on the GIC waiting list (2 years) and I have planned me entire look as cheaply as possible. While I have taken these big steps, it doesn't feel like enough, I still feel the same. I felt great, I told everyone and everything was going to change and it was going to be great. Nothing changed, that is indeed the issue, every time I see a woman I get a pang of jealousy and then struck with sadness. I don't want to die, but it's getting harder to live like this, I haven't told anyone this because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me and baby me. Its just hard, I know I'm not alone it's hard for all of us at times, just seems like all the time at the moment.

    So that is me fully updated! Thanks for reading if you made it this far ;) look forward to coming back to the blog and talking to some people! 

    Lots of Love
    Faith

  14. I have been quiet over the past few months. I have visited the site but have not written anything. Not commented on anything, not added an entry to the blog, etc. All I've done is read what others are writing about. I've noticed a few people sign off lately; saying goodbye; moving on. I've wondered about their reasons for leaving. I've also wondered what I'm doing here. 

    To be honest, one of the things that has bothered me is whether it's safe to post here. I've thought about the way the political landscape has changed in the USA and what that might mean for people who are based in the USA - and also what it might mean for people like me who are not based in the USA but whose words are, in all likelihood, being stored in a US data centre as I type. Am I being paranoid? Probably. Do I have cause to be paranoid? Not sure, yet. Probably not. But I am also wondering whether I have anything useful or interesting to say anymore.

    I could tell people about how I've visited the gender specialists three times since i last added an entry to this blog, and how I have another two appointments lined up - one later this week and one next month. I could talk about the fact that my GP still isn't prescribing my testosterone and I'm still getting it via a private prescription, and that my GP has received written instructions from the gender specialists about what to prescribe and how to monitor my blood, but that she still doesn't seem inclined to do it. I could talk about my relationship with my husband, or my brother, or how things are going at work, or how one phone call from me to the psychologist at the gender clinic is all it would take to set up a referral to a surgeon for top surgery. 

    But I don't really want to. I've realised that I'm being self-indulgent on here. I've recently read through some of my previous posts and it seems to me that I've felt sorry for myself quite a lot and I don't want to do that anymore.

    Everyone has problems. Everyone has things they need to work out or work through. I have it quite easy, really. I have a good life and I have family and friends who care about me and respect me. When I come here I seem to forget that and I only dwell on the negatives. I've used this site to moan and complain when, really, I have nothing to moan or complain about. 

    I wish everyone well. I hope you all get what you want out of life and I hope your journeys progress the way you want them to. I hope the destination is as wonderful as you envisage it to be. 

    Peace and long life.

    Image result for heart emoji outline

     

  15. All my life I sought a life-long relationship, and, yes, I found true love for ten years, (in my forties), only to lose it for my refusal to marry her (back then, a Holy Union), for fear of losing my Disability benefits and bankrupting her as a result.

    As I approach my 60's, I realize I have become more complex, because of all the life experience I have been through, making it more difficult for me to find someone with whom I am compatible.  What brought this home to me was my experience with four Lesbian dating websites, (from my mid-fifties to the present), where the women my age (59) were more complicated and had more complex demands on a potential partner.

    Slowly, it gradually occurred to me, that if I didn't find an alternative way of looking at love and companionship, that very likely I would remain single and have no romantic love and companionship for the rest of my life.

    Gradually, I realized serial brief relationships (with the possibility of a relationship growing into a friendship or even a long-term relationship) would be a lot more realistic.  

    Here are my reasons:

    WHY IT'S BEST I LIVE ALONE

    • Am set in my ways.
    • Needs to use the bathroom on short notice.
    • Gassy.
    • Terrible odor when I use the bathroom.
    • Never shared my living space (not even with my lover of 10 years).
    • Can not share my apartment and finances due to being on Disability.
    • Needs to live in HUD Public Housing (if anyone wanted to live with me, they, too, would have to be "very low income," too).
    • Allergic to horses, dogs, cats and birds (most Lesbians not only have cats and dogs, but sleep with their pets).
    • Am actually happy with my apartment (and I am unlikely to find as good an apartment - especially HUD Housing - anywhere).
    • Only negative where I live is some residents in Beacon and many residents of my apartment complex, I don't like.  Avoid them and save money to take trips every three or four months.
    • Love my building.
    • Management treats me humanely.
    • Maintenance treats me humanely, and does an efficient and thorough job maintaining and cleaning the building as well as making repairs in my apartment. (Most HUD Public Housing properties are poorly maintained.)
    • Very low crime rate where I live.  (The lowest crime rate I have every seen at a HUD Public Housing property I have ever seen.)

    Here are what I think are the advantages of short-term relationships:

    The Advantages of Short-Term Relationships

    • Due to very low income (some would call this a "budget income," I can not relocate quickly to continue dating a woman (in order to avoid a "U-Haul" situation where I would move in with her, and hope for the best!)
    • Most women do not qualify (very low income) and are uncomfortable dating a woman who lives in HUD Public Housing, especially if it is poorly maintained and is in a dangerous neighborhood.
    • Able to enjoy the relationship before the drama and games begin.
    • Can't find a woman locally to me because of homophobia where I live.  (Most women are already coupled before they move here.)
    • Both parties should be single out of respect for other relationships and for themselves.
    • Sex is not the primary reason for such a relationship, but companionship.

    Of course, there are many other reasons people may choose short-term relationships rather than long-term or lifelong relationships.

    Would like to hear from others if they resonate with this in their own lives (especially if they are 60 +) and how realistic they think this is.

    Am I selling myself short?  Or am I having realistic expectations for a 59 year old, average-looking woman, who is kind, compassionate, supportive and has many interests?

    Thank you in advance for your comments!

  16. Hi there all

     

    I thought that my migraines would be a thing of the past seeing that it is testosterone related, but hey it the first I had in a few months.

     

    The sensation of getting nauseous and disliking the way light makes my eyes and head feel is one thing I dont like.  It aggravates me to a degree that I would just want to punch a hole through a wall just to focus the pain on something else.

     

    I know when my estrogen levels are higher with my intake it deminishes.  So I will definitely be talking to my endo about lifting the dose so that I can actually demish this sensation, seeing that after this operation it was dropped to 0.625mg to maintain my body.  Not mentioning what I am taking as I am not prescribing medication for anyone and this is lower then what the international doses are, and yes I also know that I shouldn't be comparing South Africa with any other country, but when it comes to administering certain medication, we are following a totally different set of rules.

     

    Majority of the time I'm feeling better.  But the hematoma has gotten me down a few more times this week too.  Did I mention, that the surgeon told me initially after the first week after the surgery that the hematoma would disappear after about 6 weeks, and 9 days later when I went for a followup again, that it looks as though my recovery will take about 2 to 3 months.  What a bummer, right.  I was thinking that I would be good and running about by now.

     

    Okay, seeing that I'm giving an update, here goes.  I can walk short distances and then I'm sore, which a long distances (endurance) walker doesnt want to hear right, precisely.  I gained 2Lbs in the first week, lost 6Lbs a week later, and then gained a pound the week after that only to go down and he pound I gained.  I know that this is due to the hormonal fluctuations caused by the operation, but now I'm wondering if this fluctuations aren't only effecting my weight, capabilities to eat and also possibly this onset of the migraine.

     

    The reason I started the blog was to check how my mood and everything would change.

     

    Talking about my mood changing, I've come to find a difference in the way I handle stressful situations.  Normally where I go through the sensation of wanting to smash, meaning punch things when I'm angry, I release it through tears.  Yes, I've become a cry baby of sorts.  But I still tackle things head on first.

     

    But if I didn't mentally change throughout this hormonal fluctuations in my body, as the chemistry in my brains are normalizing I wouldnt be human to start with right.

     

    So be prepared for changes and keep holding on.  We are all strong individuals, and we should all learn how to be vulnerable as well as the heroes we might be to others.  Because being strong doesn't mean we dont have weaknesses, it just means we have learnt how to deal with those weaknesses that were flung unto us.

     

    Stay strong, be beautiful.  And above all, what does aphrodisiac beauty mean, as I've been told I am that, any good explanation please, as I dont see myself as a knockout beauty queen.

     

    Cheers for now

    Michele

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    Unfortunately due to some issues I won't be able to host my content here anymore. I have many reasons. But thank you gentle folk for your love and support. I wish you all the best. If you want to be in contact:

    Hear me screaming at the clouds on twitter: @charllandsberg or my Twitter Profile

    Come have a look at my weird and wonderful art on Tumblr

    Have a look at my cooking and everyday photography on Instagram

    I'm all over the place. Be good. Take care of yourselves.

    All my love
    Charl

    -o0o-

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    This is the story of my transformation and my life as a crossdresser and how I was and who I was a girl or woman.It all started with a fight with a school bully who challenge to a fight at the park near my house and I lost the fight for he was on top on me and had me to being a sissy. I didn’t know what that meant at that time so I look it up and found it what it meant. That began my quest to find out what it felt like to be the opposite sex/gender. I started with my mother’s panties and then I got my own and then on out I started to get my own wardrobe. I have purged quite a few times and the third time being the last time and I got rid of my entire wardrobe in all. But I had all the right stuff, panties, bras and pantyhose and skirts and blouses and high heels and pocketbook and lipstick and makeup. I have wondered it felt to be a woman or the opposite sex gender and got into fantasy and Mistresses and got to services and have called phone sex services quite a few times during my time as Judy. Even written a script for the ladies on the phone out.

    I have to gone to Lady Ellen’s Transformation Service to do my pictures two times. Back in the early 2000’s and it was all together I had a few girlfriends and have met a couple times with one or two of them. But have been able to connect with any of them as being mates or partners. Everyone since I have posted my pictures online has told me how good I have looked. Yes it comes quite naturally to me.Why do I crossdress? Well, it began like I said in a effort to understand the opposite sex/gender,

    Then I started to feel good about my feminine self aka Judy, which then lead to aspire to be like a good secretary. I prefer blouses and skirts and heels and slips (full) under dresses and heels to anything else. Judy likes to dress up a secretary or a business woman. Even getting out of male clothing is somewhat relaxing to me. Judy is nothing like my male mode of Jay. Judy is my second self and she likes to relax with a blouse and skirt and heels and lipstick and makeup on.

    That is about it.

     
  17. It's been an extremely long time...but yeah, I'm still here. Nothing much has changed and I lost the ambition to blog because it was an endless parade of the same thing every day. It felt like a waste of time to keep repeating myself. Not sure why I'm here again, but I think maybe on the rare chance that anyone was wondering where I went or, by chance, was worried; I wanted to let everyone know that I'm alright.

    Whats New: Just over a year at my job in Security, and nothing has changed too drastically. We had a conflict during my shift between a civilian and a staff member and I clicked back into my pre-training when I wanted to be a State Trooper and handled the situation the only way I knew how. I got in the middle of it. I was able to defuse the situation safely and separate the two individuals, writing a detailed report on time, location, involved parties and descriptions of the would-be assailant. I didnt think anything of it. It's my job, it's what I do.

    Well, apparently the higher-ups of the company I work for didnt think it was just "what you do". They called a meeting, held a conference, and low and behold...I was upgraded. I'm now full-time, with benefits (soon, not yet. Paperwork is awaiting) and I was given huge praise from both the Town Police Officers and the Academy I work for. Not only that, but the situation forced them to realize that we, as Security, are vastly ill-equipped for our jobs and finally have decided to listen to our needs and provide us with new supplies. A newer, larger vehicle that we can safely transport clients and students in (we are using a little P.O.S. hand-me-down Ford Ranger right now which is horribly cramped all the time and I hate driving it.). I'm still in work-mode so my typing is kinda professional still :P Anyway, we're each getting water-proof, theft-proof, USB charging Dock equipped backpacks that will have flashlights, mace, first aid, notebook&pen, a security monitoring computer and etc. We're also all getting new uniforms and much-needed spotlights and gear that we SHOULD have had months ago. It took my situation with an aggressive individual for them to realize "hey, these guys COULD get hurt while protecting these kids...we should gear them up." FINALLY.

    So that's work.

    (Plus I was at the Post office today ((with my security jacket on....because it's basically the only winter coat I own.)) and one of the postal workers stopped me and said his son goes to our Academy and asked about a drug raid he'd heard about. I explained that one particular student who will remain nameless had supposedly had prescription painkillers in his possession that were not his, and we confiscated them. I assured him that we do frequent and random sweeps of dorm rooms and dorm buildings for anything they should not have, and he seemed happy with that. The last part that got me was just before he walked away, he said "Thank you for protecting our kids. You guys do a great job." Finally....recognition.)

     

    YOUTUBE: Yes, I am still recording YouTube videos! I am HORRIBLY behind on posting them, unfortunately, but life's been a bit hectic atm. 

    (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC8FWRfZBHaU46LzyhAJoL7A)

    FACEBOOK: I now have TWO pages up on facebook for my Youtube channel so you can stay up to date. One page is specifically for my channel videos, while the other is dedicated to my craft hobby (which just started so its very very slow) where I am selling crafts that 100% go towards my top surgery.

    (Facebook.com/dubstepheartbeatYoutube & Facebook.com/dubstepheartbeatCreations)

    TOP SURGERY:

    Oi vey....where to start....So I still havent had my surgery, obviously since I have my creations page to pay for said surgery....I have been fighting continuously with Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield on getting them to pay for my surgery, even if just a portion. They refuse. The reason is this: My LEGAL gender is MALE. My Birth certificate says FEMALE. I cannot change that without GRS which I will not do. Anyway...My ID says Male on it. So when they filed for my surgery, they initially filed it under FEMALE BREAST REDUCTION. Well, since my ID says Male on it, they cannot do that. Because I am legally male. So it would go under Gynocomastia, which I do not have. Which..frankly doesnt matter because they dont cover it anyway.

    I've spent a minimum of 4 hours on the phone every time I call, explaining over and over and OVER again that I am Transgender, I am legally male but physically female, and that this is a breast reduction not because I'm transgender but because of spinal damage, pain, interferance with work, and a damaged trapezius muscle. All of which has been noted by my doctor FOUR TIMES, including all the necessary paperwork (and more...) sent to them REPEATEDLY. They either claim that A: they never got the paperwork, B:It lacked a piece of info they wanted, C: They have it and are reviewing it OR......D: They cant find my account at all. I spent TWO HOURS on hold just for them to tell me that the line I HAD BEEN TRANSFERRED TO...doesnt handle what I'm looking for so they transferred me BACK to the people I ORIGINALLY WERE TALKING TO. Absolute, complete, utter flipping NIGHTMARE!!!

    With my anxiety & Depression issues, it came to the point where I would completely avoid calling them because it would completely destroy me for days afterwards. I've had people offer to help with with the call or figure things out, but either they offered once and never followed through or they simply werent understanding that everything they wanted to try...I've already done it. No one....GOT what I was trying to say. It started to feel like no one cared anymore either.

    I called GLADD FIVE TIMES. I only ever got ONE response, which was "we'll call you as soon as we have more info for you.". That was months ago....nothing.

    I called the State of New Hampshire's Offices for Insurance to figure out what to do. "We'll call you back." They never did. Not only did they not return my calls, but every time I called them back and demanded to talk to someone, they'd just keep saying "Ma'am, someone will call you." Misgendered AND ignored. Thanks for that.

    I called SIX...ADVOCATES...FOR TRANSGENDER PEOPLE IN MY STATE. Again, either they didnt know how to help, didnt call me back, or simply said "keep trying". For someone with severe Anxiety, the phrase "just keep trying" is like saying "Haha, well that sucks."

    I cant keep trying. It causes me such dysphoria, severe depression, anxiety and physical illness that I have to call out of work, take days to recooperate and fight of the HORRIBLE sensation of the NEEEEEEEEEED to self harm. I'd been able to stay sober of it thus far, except for one episode involving a fight with my homophobic, trump loving, transphobic, Democratic-hating sister&mother-in-laws...(Long story short, I had just worked 14 hours, was tired and exhausted; and was accused of abusing her animals. Not by the mother, but by the sister-in-law. Who is basically the princess of the castle. I lost it.) So the insurance company locked me out of my online account conveniently a week before my due date to switch insurances, so I couldnt even access my account to change insurance companies before the due date ran out and....low and behold...I was renewed with Anthem BCBS for another year. I dont have enough swear words and foul language names to throw at them to express how I feel...

    I also, by the way, emailed Anthem personally either through Twitter's Anthem Help page or their main help page, which ran in circles up to the point of them calling and leaving a message ON THE ONE PHONE I SPECIFICALLY ASKED THEM NOT TO CALL BECAUSE I WONT GET THE DAMN MESSAGE, then when I called them back, I got nothing. Just an answering machine. FOR THREE WEEKS.

    When I mentioned this to them, they shrugged it off. Yeah.....F You too.

    (BEFORE YOU OFFER TO HELP ME WITH THE INSURANCE THING:::::::No, I do not need the help right now. Thank you for thinking of me anyway. But with my job title changing, I'm getting new insurance and there is absolutely no reason I can think of to try and pursue Anthem BCBS's jerkoffs when I'm leaving them really soon. Thanks anyway.)

     

    So, anyway....thats life right now. As you can see, not much has changed. New promotion and same insurance b.s.

    Oh, and apparently I have dissociation with my chest. Which doesnt surprise me. I found out because I was in the shower, washing like I usually do with my eyes squeezed shut and my heart breaking at the sensation of having to wash those stupid boulders on my REAL chest underneath, and....what's this? I look down and I apparently had a pimple or something that had developed on the underside of my left breast, but had gone unattended to for god-knows-how-long, so it festered and became raw and infected. Did I notice? No....I didnt even feel it. I've always had next to no feeling or sensation in my chest since I was cursed with them, but I didnt think much of it. This made me really realize...I have no feeling in them whatsoever. So I experimented. I ran my hands along the sides, fronts, top and bottom....but nothing. If it werent for feeling it through my fingertips, I wouldnt feel it at all. Absolutely nothing. It's like...I feel the pressure of my hands but that's it. Not a tickle or a whisp of sensation. I have completely, entirely, absolutely dissociated with my chest so much that I no longer feel it. It's no longer 'mine'. Its just...there. That's what kills me even more.

    Theyre there, theyre attached to me...but if I dont even have feeling in them, they feel even more alien to me. I'm not supposed to even have them and this just proves it even more. It didnt hit me as hard as it did at the doctors when I casually mentioned it and she was confused. Apparently ciswomen are SUPPOSED to have feeling in them. Like...everywhere.

    It's weird. It's like a feeling of abandonment. That I've hated them so much and for so long that theyve finally given up and just died, but I still gotta carry the corpses around. Now, more than ever, I just want them gone...It's almost too much to stomach. I choke up thinking about it. I feel like a part of me has just died, staring me in the face and flipping me the bird before being just completely gone. But instead of leaving, it lingers in the doorway and stares me down, laughing at me and mocking me because they wont go away.

    It sound stupid but I feel like theyre taunting me. Like "We know you dont want us, so we're gonna take away any sensation of being here, except you'll still have to carry our dead weight. You cant get rid of us, you will still have a huge lump in your shirt and we will NEVER allow you to touch your real chest underneath. You hate us, and we hate you. So live with it."

    I even opted out of my nipple grafts so that the surgery would be cheaper. Not just for a cheaper price, but because I've always had issues with those parts anyway so there's no point in hoping they'll heal and stay where they put them when a huge part of me knows they wont. They dont heal well, never have. I get pockets in them where sweat and crap lingers and I have to clean the areas like pimples. I dont want them anymore. I dont want anything to do with any of them.

     

    But I still have to bind them.

    I still have to readjust them in my binder.

    I still have to wash them.

    I still have to toss and turn to find a comfortable position between suffocation, smothering, pinches or unending sweat.

    I still have to put lotion on the extremely dry and chapped skin from binding.

    I still have to carry them around on my aching shoulders.

    I still have to nearly suffocate with them just to tie my shoes.

    I still have to feel them jerk and yank on my sore back when I try to use a treadmill.

    I still have to make sure there's no sores because they dont bother to tell me when something hurts anymore.

    I still have to try and save up 8000$ to get rid of them because insurance doesnt give a flip.

    I still have them.

    And they taunt me.

    My relentless bully...is my own body.

     

    Warren

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    Today is St. Distaff's Day. Compitalia, celebrating the household Gods. Today we honor Frigg and her followers, the "Freefolk". "Partly work, and partly play Ye must on Saint Distaff's Dayu" the old adage goes. It is also time for me to "shield in place". I need to take a break from the constant ups and downs regarding "my" dysphoria. My affliction. Tired of facing inward and trying to fix something that in the scope of my life? A lot less of an "issue" than it needs to be, considering. What? Well, let's throw out some things shall we? I have recieved some excellent "counseling" from someone who says my dysphoria is NOT my biggest concern. OK. Good to know. My counselor is a pretty decent person. Specializies in helping people who's professional lives expose them to some very traumatic stuff. I was amazed at how good this person was at getting me to talk. Good to find someone I can be comfortable with. A person that is familiar with the "problems" people who work in compartmented "projects" all they're lives can develop. I thought I was lossing it to Paranoid schizophrenia! The counselor just laughed at me and said "No, that's called self preservation. Johnathan Pollard actually existed. That actually happened. Your pretty much screwed for the rest of your life, just stay frosty and relax". Showed me this picture and said if you can balance these? Your mental health issues will be skosh. When I broached "dysphoria"? Push me over with a feather, the counselor replied "You'd be astounded to know just how many people I deal with could use a little clarity on THAT subject". Love them Doc's that don't beat around the bush! 

     

    id-ego-superego.jpg

     

    How is your 2017 going to go? I have a good idea of how mine is going to go. Lots and lots of time in medical facilities. Lots of appointments. Lots of testing. I am VERY HAPPY about that. This flurry of medical activity surrounds my Soulmate and not me. She is FINALLY going to get the medical assistance and screening that she deserves. She is. not me. I am working on my "blackouts" and my manic depression issues, but for now, I am good. I have a mea culpa. I have NOT been a good spouse for a while. My prediliction with my tripartite self. I have been selfish. So, there you go. "Ronnie" is a steady state for me. 50/50. MODLOC. I have a lot of "new" things to deal with. I can NEVER drive a car on public roads EVER again, unless it is the most dire of emergencies. I can't get on an airliner. I wouldn't be able to fly a plane. I'm not even supposed to operate power tools without supervision anymore! But that doesn't mean I have to stop living or caring about the awesome folks I've met here. 

    I was going to leave this site and then I thought, why? It can help me. Hopefully, I can be of help to someone else. I have 41 and in a less than a month, 42 Y E A R S invested in the person that I DO love most. Violet pretty much is my Universe and she deserves better from me. Sure, some will say that I may be "disengenious" with regard to the "community". That I am not being "true" to myself. Really? I exist in a different "plane" than most people. The person who is my betrothed is also a Petty Officer in the US NAVY, like I am. She saved my life. That's what she does. She can make a towering Marine break out in a sweat by snapping a rubber band, holding a syringe and saying "Need to draw some labs". The only things that can make the USMC hesitate? Godzilla and Hospital Corpsman. Oops, my bad. Hospital Corpsman THEN Godzilla. Got to preserve the natural order of things as the Creator has made them. Nope, for me? This fight isn't about a community. It's about my sanity and I am the ONLY one that can fight it and that means being in it to win it. I may never be "complete", but I promise, I will try NOT to be boring. But I'm not that salty so having a wingman? PRICELESS. I know she always has my back. BRAVO ZULU Doc! 

    So for this new blog, I chose "Scutum" because I need a shield right now. Something that will insulate me from the Demon I have just gotten to go back to sleep. Scutum is called "Sobieski's Shield" in some places in Europe. Jan III Sobieski was a bad ass. Your writings here and how you look at the World and what you are doing to cope and  just the minutiae of our everyday existence can be the exact thing I need to stabilize when I start to get wiggy! 2 anchors are better than one. I have Violet and I have you all. I am blessed. Monsters from the id. They're real.

     

     

     

  18. 2017

          A New Line Drawn In The Sand

     

    So here we are, yet another year. 2016 was to say the least not a year that brought much happiness or progress in my life. It’s funny to think just how life works out; at the start of 2016 I was in such a good place. I felt I had done the right things and had done what people had told me to do to succeed in life: however the thing is no matter what you do in life, no matter how much you plan, pray, achieve or succeed, the world, life and maybe even destiny has a completely different road for you in store that will end up leaving you clueless, scratching your head wondering why?

    My journey has not been a straight line and I know it sounds cheesy but quite often has been up and down, zig zags, twist, speed bumps and sometimes even at time complete 360’s. As of this time last year exactly I wrote in my (what is a very expensive diary) by Demi Lovato is   this following entry

    ‘Dear Diary… First things first I can’t believe I'm actually writing in the 35 dollar book. TBH it is a big rip off. Are the pages made out of the most exquisite paper? Anyways what’s going on with me? I kind of love this busy period of my life. It makes me feel that I have a grasp on life. Work is going good and I am little excited to see where this will leave me. Summer school tomorrow. Hope I can continue the motivation and complete everything I need. Frightened yet excited…”

    This is compared to a diary entry I wrote in late august 2016 of some lyrics I quoted of a song that represented everything I felt to the core of inside me.

    ‘Your memory is breaking my heart. Ill pretend I'm okay with it all. Act like there’s nothing wrong. Is it over yet, can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry? “

    My 2016 self was to be very correct in her concerns and she sure should have been frightened for what would soon come. Who knew the person writing this would have left school only 2 months later, on a bender of drugs and crime that never ended.

    It’s a very hard thing move on after you've had so much pain, loss and suffering followed with making bad choice after bad choice and crossing that line so many times, that you’re so far distanced past that line you begin to barley remember it exists, why it was there to even begin with. I’ve been travelling over that line since I was 13 and sometimes I do have to wonder if I’ve travelled so far past it and stamped so many times across it, that my own line doesn't exist or it is so far dusted out that if not at all gone, barely visible where I'm far beyond ever getting back to that little girl I left behind that line. Maybe it’s time to take my own advice and acknowledge that little girl, the pain and damage I and others have inflicted and draw a new line in the sand with a hope of a better tomorrow'

    This is 2017 though I remind myself, let’s try and reflect as much as we need to in order to learn, process and move forward with our lives however not dwelling on the past and finding that balance between reflection and then moving forward. A lot of my previous blog post since deciding to get clean have been about self-reflection and about the bad times throughout 2016 and telling some of the impacts of those bad times and choices throughout 2016 had on me from physically throughout to socially, emotionally etc. I admit to you that I do write those blog posts in order to try and help others on their journeys, bringing some awareness and doing whatever I can by speaking out. I also admit I get more out of writing it for my readers then my readers get reading it. I thank all my readers who read my stuff whether it be friends, family or someone from around the globe. You all help me get to a place where I am now, I can’t even express in words what I get out of writing this.

     

    This moves me onto my next thing I wish to talk about in my new year, a new chapter. Being in my second detox stay. Being herein such difficult times such as being in here throughout new years and being in here with such strong incredible people and hearing their stories has washed over a me a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the life that I lead and all the gifted things I have been blessed with and not just from now but since I was brought into this earth. So many young people out there have been dealt such a shit hand in life since the beginning whether it is from physical abuse, being in foster care, being kicked out of home or even left homeless. I hear such sad Stories and even remarks...

    Wait scratch that, NOT SAD stories BUT courageous, strong and inspiring stories of such young courageous lionhearted beautiful people. These stories and remark s make me so grateful for all that I have been given, such as loving and kind parents and family, a roof over my head with heat and food plus filled with privileges of nurture and celebration. I think it is so important to have a grateful heart. I have written before in a previous post about the importance of gratitude and appreciation but I feel each day I learn just how much this is true.

    I am thankful for my second chances, the ability to be able to live in a world filled with services and places that are graciously there to help you along your journey, my second chance at VCE and like above my loved ones followed with finally my sobriety.

    Thank you so much for reading this, like I've said I've gotten so much out of this and I appreciate all the kind and supportive comment and messages. Please if you think my blog can help anyone out there please put them on to it. I am always free for a chat if anyone wishes to talk.

     

    ‘Dare to be something more’

     

    Hunter hayes

     

  19. As much as I am a women, I remain a man inside


    I am living as girl on 24/7 basis, and I enjoy every minute of the wonderful experiences I receive from my bipolar transgenderism personality.
    As much as I live as a girl, I also live myself in his shoes and carry on the responsibility of being a man.  The importance of being a 2 nation theory personality is key in having dual characteristics of attributes.

    As I wonder about my long term goals, for surgery, I am unable to transition due to Family purposes. Now ask yourself if you are to go to surgery, you have on back of your mind, a lingering thoughts of your own financial burden, well the question answers itself automatically.

    I love living as her by receiving positive gestures all day long
    but I need to do my job as himself in order to sustain a paycheck to paycheck at end of every month, which is important.

    For instance the job where I work for, I couldn't have done it without being him!  That's why I have dual genders for purpose of attaining employment. 
    I have said it before but without negative impact, if I were to get a real job as transgenders person in a straight man's world's, I would have it by now, but I don't, as I wasn't so lucky in my endeavors! 
    At least that are my experiences I have to share with.

    Well in conclusion, I have to keep my job, as far as surgery is concerned, it will be after 10 or 15 years depending on financial support I get.  
    Well it's season of greetings and hope and togetherness!  I hope everyone has a great Merry Christmas and wish happy new year 2017 !

    Visit Shazy Jeo on YouTube channel videos 
    and check out http://outcast-all.com for all those living abroad individuals feeling homesick, or Misfit students anywhere, and don't forget to see (A to Z list section) there is something for everyone !

  20. Latest Entry

    Update - 12/6/2016

    To say that a lot has happened since I last posted is an understatement. I will post more later.

    I am currently recovering from FFS surgery on Dec 2nd. I had a brow reduction & lift. Upper eyelid surgery, rhinoplasty, fat transfer to the cheeks. Chin reduction and shaping and tracheal shave. Tomorrow I have an appointment to hopefully take some of the stitches out and splint on my nose..

    I have been off from work since Dec 1st and will be returning to work as Lisa on Dec 19th. I changed my name with the court and my name and gender marker on my SS card. In a few days, I will be going to the DMV and later the passport office to change my name and gender marker there as well.

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  21. Latest Entry

    Why is everyone that is not my doc (family that is ) worried about what is or not between my legs or if i have GRS .  it is really  not any of their concern .......ugh   , i came out to you to let you know who am not to try and control my life or my journey ............