Blog

Featured Entries

  • Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
    • 28 comments
    • 6,842 views

Our community blogs

  1. Ok, I'm going to make a quick list of pros and cons of being Trans* in high school and as a teenager... Even though there really isn't anything good about being trans*

    Goods:

    - You get to educate people and make a difference.

    - You can pick your own name.

    - GSA for support.

    - Guidance counselors to talk to.

    Bads:

    -DYSPHORIA.

    -Getting the wrong pronouns.

    - Not being old enough for HRT.

    - Being called by your birth name on the first day of school...

    -Gym class..

    -Locker rooms.

    -Un-supportive parents? Nothing you can do about it.

    -haters..

    -People still using your birth name either because they always have or they are assholes.

    -Friends that know your trans* but STILL use wrong pronouns.

    -trans* phobic people >.<

    -Can't get Top Surgery yet.

    -The feeling of being alone...

  2. Hello again everyone

    I've been wanting to post a blog entry to let everyone know how things are going and whats happening in my life but I haven't really gotten the chance with working two jobs and trying desperately to get out of debt (much to my own dismay). First of all yesterday I went to another doctors appointment for a checkup and to increase my dosage of estrogen and to get prescribed some mild antianxiety/antidepression medication. Everything went really well, eventhough when I first got there, the nurse that intially saw me was visibly uncomfortable checking my weight and takeing my blood pressure. I mean she was nice and didn't say anything but I could easily tell because she didnt make any eye contact, didn't speak very much to me, and left the room as quickly as she could. It didn't really bother me too much at the time but I thought it was pretty rude of her but thankfully my doctor was, as always, nice to me and really wanted to know how I'm doing and seems like she truely cares about me :)

    Recently I started talking to my work about the possiblility of me transitioning at work and much to my suprise, the talk went really well. My store manager emailed the corporate head quarters and they said that they are completely supportive of me and my need to transition. It was really great to hear that and now I am considering weather to stay at the store I am at or transfer to another store. I am debating transfering when my hair is a little longer, and my body has changed a little more. Im hoping to go through with my transfer around july or august or september. I figure with my increased dosage and the fact that I will have been on hormones for over a year that I should be able to pass by then, at least I hope so.

    Other than that, my life has been pretty tame. My brother finally came around and has started to accept me for being trans and wanting to fully transition. It took him a while but I think we can really mend our relationship to the way it was or possibly even be better than what it was. Im working on figureing out where I want to move to in the summer. Living with friends and my parents has been alright but I really need my own place where I can do what I want when I want and have total privacy. I think it would also be nice for everyone else because I do work such odd hours and the days I have off I won't be bothering anyone being awake at 3 or 4 in the morning.

    Also I've started to plan a career after I come out full time and I am planning on going back to school to get my nursing certification. I've talked with a lot of people and they say that the medical field is very accepting of transgender people and are very much an eual opportunity empolyer. So hopefully I will be able to start school early next year and be ready for a new career shortly after that. I know its a long time away but I can really use this time to work and save money and ready myself for the coming months and anticpate the coming changes in my life.

    Lastly I've stared going to more group meetings here and I've found them a lot more informative than I used to. Also i've seen a few other girls closer to my age showing up to them. Its nice to connect with other tgs who are closer to my age and really good to talk to them in person. Eventhough most are still earlier in their transition than I am but its still great to talk to them.

    Well thats all I have for now, hope everyone is doing well

    <3

    Tiff

  3. I have been on this site for awhile now, and have met some great people and a very supportive group. Just a little about my self, I am an MtF crossdresser/transgender, not totally sure where I fit in there, I have been doing a lot of soul searching these past couple of weeks and am still not sure where I am going with this side of my life. I go to work in boy mode, dressed for the most part androgynous, as that is how I feel comfortable. Always underdressed with a bra (padded) and panties on, cause I can get away with it for the most part un-noticed. I am looking into finding a therapist to explore this further, as some times I really feel like this is what I should be, and others I'm not sure. I have had this side looked in a closet for more yrs then I would care to count, and am now finally able to express it. Sometimes I wish that I could full time, at work I have to catch myself at times when going to the restroom not going in the wrong one, or wanting to stop at the mirror to check my makeup, as I typically wear eyeshadow. It's one of the little things that I can get away with it at work, since it's not really noticed with my glasses on.

    I have come out to some people out side of my friends on line that I know and the meetup group that I belong to, and for the most part they are very supportive of me. I even came out to my ex wife, and she was surprisingly very supportive and understanding when I told her that I really need some time to myself on a weekend, so have been cut back to getting my kids every other weekend, which gave me a lot of time to think about what I want for myself and where I am going in my life. I haven't really come out to my younger 2 boys (ages 4 and 7), but I have talked to my oldest son (13), and of course he had the hardest question to answer of "why?" I tried to explain to him some of the reasons why that I did know.

    • 1
      entry
    • 1
      comment
    • 3122
      views

    Recent Entries

    It seems to me that it is every girl's right to dress as she pleases. I did from the age of 10 or so, and

    it has always been natural to me. Yes, men look at me, but isn't that one of a woman's perks?

    • 2
      entries
    • 1
      comment
    • 3105
      views

    Recent Entries

    I couldn't sleep last night, so I wrote a song, I'm going to post the lyrics, hope you like it :) I would love feedback, positive or negative :)

    Quasimodo

    Verse 1:

    Hide behind

    such a faux façade

    Do you know who you are?

    Have we pretend too long?

    Should I hide my face?

    Am I a big disgrace?

    Why should I conform

    to just fit in?

    I hurt no one

    I cause no harm

    I’m just trying to be

    who I know I am

    You’re so lucky

    that you get to be

    the person that you see

    in your reflection

    Pre-chorus:

    but I must wait

    to set myself free

    Chorus 1:

    Why do I have to prove

    who I am inside?

    Is it my destiny

    to hurt eternally?

    Do you know what I go through

    just to live my life?

    To feel the emptiness

    of a thousand lies

    I hate this

    Living like a misfit

    Verse 2:

    I’m here to stay

    I won’t go away

    I’m not going to change

    I’m not going to hate

    Myself anymore

    I’m tired of the pain

    If you can’t handle this

    just walk away

    Pre-chorus

    Chorus 1

    Verse 3:

    Such a heavy hand

    I must detach it

    and relinquish

    all the hate for myself

    Chorus 1 (sans 3rd stanza)

    Chorus 2:

    What’s it worth to you

    to make me feel ashamed?

    Do you sleep well at night

    knowing you cause pain?

    Using hollow words

    and spiteful lies

    that we’re not beautiful

    in God’s eye

    and I love this

    proud to be a misfit

    • 1
      entry
    • 2
      comments
    • 3064
      views

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    Happy Halloween

  4. Can gender dysphoria cause sleep problems?

    I should be asleep right now, but I'm up way earlier than I'm supposed to be and it isn't the first time.

    I'm used to a certain amount of insomnia after working 3rd shift for over a decade. That changed two weeks ago, and after a brief period of instability I've been living on a normal sleep schedule for the past week or so. It's been great for me and for my family. Well, at least the waking part. At night, I feel like I spend a considerable amount of time in bed either dreaming vivid dreams or tossing and turning. I think the transgender confusion is causing it. Feels like it based on some of the dreams and odd thoughts that race through my head during the tossing & turning phase.

    Like I said, life has been pretty good over the past week. My marriage is on much more solid ground than it has been in a while. But the TG cloud still poses a threat. I went over some of those issues in a previous blog (). My wife and I both worry one of us will eventually leave the other over this whole situation. She predicted we'll just end up at an impasse and split from there. Hopefully not. Hopefully we can make compromises to both sides' satisfaction. For now, I guess I'll enjoy the days and endure the fitful nights until a resolution can be found.

  5. After almost a lifetime of hating it I finally got the nerve to start removing my facial hair on a permanent basis.

    I have always wanted to get rid of my facial hair, but like many others, I guess, it always seemed like a bigger step than getting my legs, chest, etc waxed. After all that grows back after a while and if you discover that you are not as trans* as you thought then no permanent changes are apparent.

    Of course getting rid of a few hairs is not as big a deal as GRS but it is a visible change!

    Ever since puberty I have heard about electrolysis and been fascinated as to where you get it done and how do you even find someone who has had it done for advice (I have spent most of my life pre-internet). Also as a child I don't think my parents would have signed the consent form or stumped up the cash!

    Even as a young teenager I would shave my body hair, I come from the Planet of the Apes it seems, but I have never been able to get my face clean shaven.

    So roll forward a few decades and I find myself living in Edinburgh, Scotland.

    I now have the internet and after years of uncertainty as to why I have always been drawn to wearing what society calls 'women's clothes' I have now learned about words like transgender and dysphoria, so I realized that to have any level of inner happiness I would have to be true to myself and admit that I am a trans* woman. Whenever I say that I feel so happy, and also a little sad that I didn't come out years ago.

    Anyhow, I was fed up with shaving my legs and getting razor rash on my chest so I looked online and found a trans* friendly waxing salon not ten minutes drive from my apartment.

    I had had a couple of waxing's, when I asked Sam, the therapist, what the machine in the corner was for. She explained that it was a Intense Pulse Light machine, a kind of laser for removing hair.

    When I asked if it worked on facial hair I was expecting to be told that It only worked on genetic female hair, I was half expecting disbelief that I would want it done. Instead Sam just told me to go away and think about it for a few days.

    When I went for my first appointment I must admit I was having second thoughts, and very nearly didn't ring the doorbell. But I knew that if I didn't do it now I never would and would always regret it!

    I had to have a skin test the day before so I knew what to expect, but the real thing is painful.

    It is like touching your skin with a hot wire. Luckily the pain only lasts a second while the 'gun' is touching your skin, but I couldn't help jumping a little bit each time. It was the anticipation as much as anything.

    I am now waiting for the results to start to become visible. Apparently the hair will start to fall out after ten to twenty days, then when it starts to grow again I will get the next session. It takes about six in all, maybe a couple more if the hair is stubborn!

    What I am looking forward to most is not having a semi permanent red face from having to shave twice a day, and of course looking that little bit more feminine.

    (For younger readers when I was a teenager we called the police the Fuzz, I consider my facial hair to be a gender policeman, trying to keep me in my prison cell)

  6. Manifesto of Chara Jo

    The world sees me a man, I am not!

    My brains sees me a woman, it is fooled!

    Truth both visible and invisible, I am both, and I am neither!

    I am the third gender, I travel apart.

  7. I have been quiet over the past few months. I have visited the site but have not written anything. Not commented on anything, not added an entry to the blog, etc. All I've done is read what others are writing about. I've noticed a few people sign off lately; saying goodbye; moving on. I've wondered about their reasons for leaving. I've also wondered what I'm doing here. 

    To be honest, one of the things that has bothered me is whether it's safe to post here. I've thought about the way the political landscape has changed in the USA and what that might mean for people who are based in the USA - and also what it might mean for people like me who are not based in the USA but whose words are, in all likelihood, being stored in a US data centre as I type. Am I being paranoid? Probably. Do I have cause to be paranoid? Not sure, yet. Probably not. But I am also wondering whether I have anything useful or interesting to say anymore.

    I could tell people about how I've visited the gender specialists three times since i last added an entry to this blog, and how I have another two appointments lined up - one later this week and one next month. I could talk about the fact that my GP still isn't prescribing my testosterone and I'm still getting it via a private prescription, and that my GP has received written instructions from the gender specialists about what to prescribe and how to monitor my blood, but that she still doesn't seem inclined to do it. I could talk about my relationship with my husband, or my brother, or how things are going at work, or how one phone call from me to the psychologist at the gender clinic is all it would take to set up a referral to a surgeon for top surgery. 

    But I don't really want to. I've realised that I'm being self-indulgent on here. I've recently read through some of my previous posts and it seems to me that I've felt sorry for myself quite a lot and I don't want to do that anymore.

    Everyone has problems. Everyone has things they need to work out or work through. I have it quite easy, really. I have a good life and I have family and friends who care about me and respect me. When I come here I seem to forget that and I only dwell on the negatives. I've used this site to moan and complain when, really, I have nothing to moan or complain about. 

    I wish everyone well. I hope you all get what you want out of life and I hope your journeys progress the way you want them to. I hope the destination is as wonderful as you envisage it to be. 

    Peace and long life.

    Image result for heart emoji outline

     

    • 2
      entries
    • 1
      comment
    • 2606
      views

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    well we have been in michagin a week now and it has been very interesting to say the least, went to church for the first time in years and participated in ash wendsday, the people there were 90% lgbt and it was amazing to sit there as myself and feel normal and welcome, I have made a lot of friends and even been complimented on how nice I look and not in the room but literally out on the street by strangers, people totally except me as a women and a friend, never have I seen anyplace so excepting and loving, my children are totally loving this place and want to stay my wife is amazed at how excepted we are right from day one, and people even want me as me not as the lie I was born into. if there is anyplace I felt more at home, I do not recall it. for the first time in my life I feel normal and believe me that is a wonderful feeling, for all of my brothers and sisters in the world struggling with lgbt issues god n goddess bless and for those who feel this kind of love and exceptance plz know how lucky you are, so many are still abused and insulted and harassed just trying to be normal and live happy. sends a blessing to all those who struggle daily and hopes they find happiness that I have known this week.......... as ever Summer

  8. Over the past several days, I've been coming out a little more. Back on 2-22, I told my oldest sister and her fiance. It all started when I mentioned that I feel like several people live in me and at least one of them is a girl. The only reaction I got was when my sister told me not to get the surgery, and she believes Bruce Jenner would not look good as a woman. I told her that I'm not sure where this will lead. I couldn't afford treatment, anyway, and the pain would really make a cry baby out of me.

    Just yesterday, I let my one friend from church hear more about it. This is the same one I told back on February 8 and I wrote about it in the first blog about spilling the beans. I let him know this is far from over, because I spent so many years trying to deny this thing, swearing up and down that I cannot be this way. My friend believes I might have to receive my sight in order for this to go away. He reassured me that I'm still part of the body of Christ. This friend dreamed, several years ago, about me receiving my sight. He strongly believes it's going to come true, someday. In the meantime, he's keeping my transgender confession between us. Any time I'm alone with him, I feel I am going to have to keep pouring this stuff out and getting it off my chest. I cannot even open up to my parents about this. It will give them more of a reason to call me a weirdo and tell me I just need to grow up. I've heard that stuff, all my life, for other reasons. Anyway, a key confession I told my friend, yesterday, is how, when it comes to needing someone to lead me to a bathroom, I prefer women to do it instead of men, never mind my biological designation as male. I am more concerned with what's between my ears and what's inside this shell of flesh and bones. The friend never criticized or warned me I will go to hell if I don't straighten up and fly right. He just listened. He's at a loss as to what to tell me other than his belief that it would have to come with divinely receiving eyesight through Jesus' healing power. I am a firm believer in miracles, and I ask God, all the time, to heal me, as I am created by Him and for Him. As long as he leaves the thorn in me, he will give me the grace to deal with it. That's especially comforting when I often have to deal with unexplainable physical discomfort I get in the manly region. Doctors haven't been able to figure out why I burn down there. I don't always empty the bladder, and that's a mystery. All they can say is I just need to learn to live with it. I told the friend of this bizarre connection between the feeling female around men, something that's been there since I was 4 or 5, and the burning sensation I've had for several years. We just leave it up to God. Only he knows what good is possibly going to come from all of this. So, as for now, I am blind and I am transgender, and there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot deliver myself. It's up to God, and if he's at all offended by the way I am, he alone will change it. It is what it is. He knows I long to be saved in the end.

    • 2
      entries
    • 0
      comments
    • 2594
      views

    Recent Entries

    Would like to say making Davina a smooth sissy was easy, it was not.

    Wax strips worked to a degree but it was a slow process so we resorted to a razor in the bath and just concentrated on a smooth chest and stomach and legs.

    After lots of messing around the result felt good and enpowering and hopefully a more complete hair removal session will happen soon but as they say live and learn.

    The photo taking that followed was great fun and hopefully you like some of the results shown below.

    Davina

    twitter @davinadiva

    blogentry-22387-0-22426500-1337156879_thblogentry-22387-0-20097700-1337157033_thblogentry-22387-0-86217400-1337157180_thblogentry-22387-0-08884600-1337157379_thblogentry-22387-0-56288600-1337157517_th

  9. Magnolia flowers as with many plant flowers have perfect flowers or another term bisexual flowers. This means the flower has both a functional male stamen & a female pistil flower part. Also in nature some plants are mono-ecious, meaning male & female flowers are found on different parts of the plant. This is extraordinary to me because in nature it is so common place for organisms to posses both female & male qualities. A magnolia tree could be called transgender, without an...y other conditions or stipulations. If there is such evolving happenings taking place in nature all the time. Are we as human beings not part of this earthly experience? We are so caught up in female & male identities when in nature adapting to ever changes of environment is just all about preserving life. As long as the conditions within the environment are right, nature seems to find a unique way of reproduction.

    • 2
      entries
    • 3
      comments
    • 2497
      views

    Recent Entries

    It's unreal how many times in a day people ask me the same kind of question when they learn I'm an FTM transgender. It seems to be common for people to ask if I want to be a man because I like women.

    No, I like men. I'm highly attracted to men. Gay men. I'm a very dominant person by nature.

    Then I have to explain further. It's not a want to be a man it's a need. My inner self and my outer don't match. I wasn't meant to have breasts and a vagina. I was meant to be a man and it's a deep true feeling. It's not easy to explain but that's about the easiest way to explain it.

    Then they ask me how I have sex. And then it's awkward because I will tell them and they get a little grossed out and defensive. It's not my fault they asked. ~shrug~

    • 1
      entry
    • 2
      comments
    • 2453
      views

    Recent Entries

    Hi there,

    I so suck at writing but here goes. I am biologically a male in my early 30s at this point. I wanted to create this blog to be able to write wherever I am about the truth of what goes on in my mind and heart. Truth is I mostly hide from the world in real life and stay away from many people that do not know the real me. I will explain more as I write more here. I used to have another personal diary online years ago where I opened up about things but I got locked out of that one through changing emails and such and then couldn’t recover my password, etc. I tried to start a new one over at this other unnamed site but the format and everything has changed so much and it looks to complicated. Hopefully this one works better. I do have a hand written journal but I am better actually typing things out instead of hand writing them.

    So, I don’t want to babble on about that. I will open up more personally about me (pictures and such along my journey) but not really going to be sharing details such location, etc while I am coming out here and starting my journey. Mainly to prevent any privacy issues with family members and such finding this and reading about what really goes on in my brain, in my heart and behind closed doors. Also, there have been some hate crimes where I live. More on that another time. I am sure one of my closest friends will be reading this blog but I trust them with my life so. Though I am not positive they will.

    A short and not so sweet bio of me is this: I suffered from mental and physical abuse from childhood up through my teen years and the main consequence of this was developing what is called Dissociative Identity Disorder. Most would know it more as having split or multiple personalities. I have now suffered from this since the early 1990s and it is not fun though it has improved greatly to where I can function in society. I have male and female personalities. The most prominent one being female. She is the alter who is in control the most. Sometimes I think even more than me. Her being female and the most prominent alter I know she is a part of who I am deep in my being but being free and happy as a female. I have always related to girls more than guys since I was a kid. I always played with girls in school more than boys and always flocked to my girl cousins as well. I even was more interested in “girl” toys, books, movies, etc while I was alone. Heck, I even wanted to play Barbies, My Little Pony more than the action figure stuff growing up. I remember adopting my Aunt’s baby doll that she still have from when she was a child when I was 7 years old and loved it and wanted it with me always until my parents got rid of it out of embarrassment. My grandmother even hand made me a Cabbage Patch Doll after I insisted on having one like my 3 girl cousins had their own. (they were one of the most popular girl toys in the 80s). That disappeared after a few years as well. I was biologically a boy after all and according to my parents I needed to act like one. Mainly I think because of my father. He was and still is a “man’s man” and yes even a “homophobe” I realise now. My father even forced me to stop referring to him as “Daddy” when I was 8 years old as this was not boyish to him. AS a teenager hearing words like “I wont have my boys being cocksuckers. You have never ever bring home any boys.” So classy. He will never change. Most of his family is the same way. Even my younger brother now.

    To this day as an adult I find myself fitting in with women more than men and wishing I was one physically. Yes, it is also not a strange thing for someone to question my sexual orientation. My main sexual history has been with women though. I have enjoyed sex with women sometimes, though it was less of a “sexual attraction” and more of enjoying having physical love from someone. Experiencing them as the people they are, sharing love and admiring and wishing I had the same biological body as they did. That was always the true me in my mind and in my heart. Then of course there was my female alter fully living female life quietly, though not in a sexual way. There have been some “connections” I have had with males physically but I may talk about that in other posts. Obviously I just spoke about my family, that would have really made the shit hit the fan. I guess officially I can say I am bisexual as I do find myself attracted to guys as well however and if I at this point I can see myself in a relationship with a guy and not have an issues with it. I am open to either gender. At times though I am just not very “sexual” at all. Many times I can see myself also just not having that type of relationship with someone and just living life with out sex I guess. Though I would love to have that strong connection with someone through everything of my being and to share my journey, life and everything with. No matter what gender.

    I would and I and am working towards the possibility of physically transitioning into who I am inside. I do have a friend who is a pre op transgendered female to male. I identify with him a lot and I know my female alter, does a lot being completely female in every way without any confusion or fear, taking that fact and running with it but stuck in my biologically male body. I can say without question if I had a choice to magically change my gender I would make myself female without thinking twice and be thrilled about it. That being said, I havent been out in public in “female” clothes and makeup (except on Halloween). I am in the early stages of transitioning so not decided on, nor do I have the financial resources to go having surgeries or taking female hormones at this point or see myself doing it at any point in the future until I get myself financially secure and living in a more comfortable area. The extent of that so far has been having long hair or my female alter wearing a wig, painting nails, wearing make up, etc when in private or around my closest friends and as I said Halloween where I was in my glory. I do shave what body hair I do have as I have never liked it. That never caused much of a problem as I have never been a super hairy person. Even for a male body. I know that might sound weird to most. I dress mostly covered a lot of the time. As I said in so many ways I am forced to be male but I am starting to take this journey as I need to be happy.

    I have never been really close with my parents, my one and only brother, or any of my extended family as an adult. In many ways it is for the best as I have to pretend to be “manly” around them. I see my brother and grandparents maybe once or twice a year and even then it is not for very long and my mother maybe once every six weeks for a few minutes. My father lives on the other side of the country so it is maybe once a year as well. I smile when my father and brother make a comment “That’s so gay.” about what I am watching, saying, listening to, etc. If only they knew the true me.

    I have been out of work at this point for almost a year due to “health reasons” which have a lot to do with what I have just been talking about. More the DID and depression though my condition with that is improving a lot.I will have to go back to work here soon though. More pretending to get used to but I am feeling very positive about my future and hoping to be able to fully come out sooner than later to everyone and be the happy true female me. So I know this turned into an extremely long post but I wanted to tell a bit about me. I doubt anyone will really be reading this crap anyway. Anyone, who does I think you very, very much as I need all the support really right now.

    Until next time. I hope to post lots more to share what is on my mind.

    Sam xo ♥

  10. Latest Entry

    Howdy,

    I worte a summarzing post about 1st anniversary of my HRT and blogging.

    Hugs,

    Sophie

    • 1
      entry
    • 32
      comments
    • 2376
      views

    Recent Entries

    Last week I was called Mam four times. Even had one restaurant employee say " Welcome ladies - how are you doing" as I entered his restaurant. I have given up correcting people, actually kind of like how it makes me feel. A month ago in boy mode I was at a sports expo and had stopped at a booth selling shoe inserts. The shop/booth owner was busy and asked one of his workers to "please help this woman" I could not believe myself - how feminine I must have looked to him. (Really was not trying) Yesterday, I had two women runners make commits on my shaved legs "how are they were so perfect" and "perfect looking legs"

    Have any of you all had these kind of comments - even when in boy mode?

    • 1
      entry
    • 0
      comments
    • 2333
      views

    Recent Entries

    I have sat here wondering, "should I write this story, and, will anyone actually believe it?" Well, here I am making a start, and hopefully, a finish at some later date. And, if you believe it or not, is not something that I can control. All I can say is, its true, every word. No matter how dramatic, or, how much like an Hollywood movie it may seem like. This is a true story, written as it actually happened. And this blog, is by no means, the whole story. But maybe I will get around to that later, if you enjoy this little snippet.

    Oh, and please forgive my bad grammar etc. I have dyslexia.

    So allow me to begin at the beginning, the beginning of the end! I went on a six month contract, However, 18 years later, I was still there. I worked in Saint Peters burg and Moscow, the two disputed capitals of Russia. I was a croupier by profession and went to work in one of its many grand casino's that had sprung up, after the wall had fallen down. However, that is another story. My story, for this entry, starts 10 years later, in the very polluted, industrial city of Zaporozhye, in Ukraine.

    I was married to a beautiful Ukrainian girl, her name is Olea. I never lied to her about who I was, in fact, I told her on our second date. She was fine about it, and not only that, she went out and bought me a dress. A black velvet cocktail dress that must have cost her a whole months salary, at least! We were happy together, very happy. She became my best friend, soul mate and, after a year, my wife. I thought it would never end, as I suppose, everyone does.

    So, here and now, I will hold my hands up and take the blame. Why? Because the reason I went to Russia in the first place was to save enough money to pay for my Gender reassignment. But instead of saving, I had lived the high life, spent the lot on Drink, girls, guys, fancy hotels and big cars. So, I decided to move to the Ukraine, start again, and save for my Gender reassignment. So, allowing myself to be distracted again, was absolutely crazy, Especially when my gender identity was beginning to drive me out of my mind, as it does us all, eventually! And the problem is, no matter how hard people try to understand what it i to be transsexual, unless you are transsexual, you simply cannot.

    Olea tried to understand, she did her best and gave it her all. However, I was getting worse by the day, my fem me side was becoming more and more demanding, and as a result, I was falling into depression. I was angry and my mood swings were beginning to drive us apart. I was giving up on life as a whole, and began to spend hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month and now year after year, with my head buried in World of War Craft. From being a means of escape, Azeroth, had become my whole world, my reality, my home. My female character had become more than a character, she was me! For 3 years or more, I don't remember exactly how long it was, I lived my every waking moment in Azeroth, my life had become a cartoon character in cyberspace!

    In all honest I had become completely oblivious to the real world.

    It was a warm August evening when I finally dragged myself out of Azeroth and checked my e-mails. There must have been 30 or 40 unread mails, mostly junk mail. I started to go down the list, ticking the junk as I went, for deleting. Until one e-mail caught my eye, "Hi Roxy, do you really know your wife?" It was strange because only a hand full of close friends knew my fem me name, and I had never used it online, anywhere. I re-read the title again, then clicked the link to open it.

    It simply read, follow the links below if you want to know the truth! My curiosity was pricked.

    There were 5 links in total, all containing the words, sex, naughty, even school girl and Daddy's Girl. But the most striking word of all was my wife's name. I sat back and gazed over the links, again and again. Studying them, not wanting to open them in case I did find a truth that I didn't want to know. Casually, I scrolled the mouse over the first link and double clicked. The page opened, and the page content appeared. In the top right hand corner of the screen was a picture of my wife, she was kneeling on a bed with her legs open. She was dressed on a school girls uniform, she had pig tails in her hair and she was sucking on a lollipop.

    There was a description of herself, and what she enjoyed doing in bed. And what she was willing to do, and how much it would cost. There was pages of reviews, all good reviews and a page full of pictures. All the other links took me to similar sites, showing my wife naked, half naked and wearing school uniforms. My stomach began to turn, I felt sick. Rage was building up inside me, it was a good thing she wasn't there at the time I exploded. I picked up the monitor and slammed it down onto the desk again and again until it was smashed to pieces, then I kicked the processor repeatedly until I had smashed all the plastic off it, then I pulled the drawers out of the cupboards and thew them at the walls. I pulled cupboards over and smashed pictures on the walls. I lashed out at everything, until I fell down in the middle of the wreckage and cried. I lay their, crying and sobbing like a baby, until I couldn't cry any more. That was the first time in my life that I had considered suicide, and seriously wanted to die. It was also the first time in my life that I had seriously considered killing someone. And she was due back, at any time.

    M.T. F Soon!!!!! Watch this space.

    • 2
      entries
    • 4
      comments
    • 2317
      views

    Recent Entries

    Well my pre-surgery consult is tomorrow, I'm excited. Also, it's kinda cool I found out that my legal name change went through, I was tired waiting and called to check on the status today. The very nice lady told me that my certificate was mailed to me last week and should arrive any day now. So now I can get my name changed on my Driver’s license, my endocrinologist has already written my letter for the gender marker to be changed on my D.L. at the same time. It’s close enough to my surgery that I can wait to change my name on my Health Card and Birth Certificate so that with my legal name change certificate and my (post-op) letter to confirm GRS, I can get the gender markers changed on those too.

    These things have all been up in the air. I started on my name change 6months ago when I started having trouble with my I.D. During a routine stop, the cop suggested that I update my license photo, it had been 2yrs before even therapy that it had been updated, lol, I looked quite different indeed. Back to the point, I decided it was time to change my name legally. So it’s like a feeling of many thing coming to a close … finally. Kinda like Domino effect, one piece causes many to move.

  11. Wow So much has happened in the last year (since 5/1/2014) the day first saw my therapist and she said those fateful words “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.” I’d never heard those words before. But those words that have turned my world upside down. No actually they have turned my world upside right, but have turner everyone else’s upside down.

    So here’s what has happen since I heard those words
    On May 31st came out to my wife
    Sometime in July, finally said I might be transgender.
    August 29th went to my first Trans Support Group
    August 30th came out to my health coach
    October said that I am transgender
    November 2nd came out to my colorist
    November 10th met a trans friend
    November 17th came out to my doctor
    November 17th started wearing nothing but women’s clothes every day
    About November 20th stopped having migraines
    November 19th came out to my nail girl
    December 3rd came out to my massage therapist
    December 3rd through January 31st came out to about 25 sales women
    About January 1st stopped taking all medications, sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants
    January 10th saw new therapist
    January 11th got fitted for my first bra
    January 31st told 2 women at blood bank
    About February 1st totally accepted and even embraced the fact I am transgender.
    February 2nd came out to friend in Texas (1st guy)
    February 18th told my new doctor
    January 28th told 2 more women at blood bank
    March 16th came out to my cousin
    March 28th came out to my daughters
    March 28th through April 30 came out to 10 other sales women
    April 22nd met a new friend and she totally accepts me for me
    April 25th came out to my best friend (2nd guy)

    So now today I don’t hate myself. I don’t hate the fact I am transgender. In fact I love me for who and what am, and that’s a transgender woman.
    On the day you I firs heard “you may be transgender” and there was a magic pill I could take to make me not be trans, I would have taken it in a heartbeat.
    3 months ago I am not sure I what would have done. Today I am not taking it and there’s no way you can force it down my throat.
    I used to look at it as a curse, but now see it as a blessing. I would not want to be not trans because I would not just lose part of me, I would lose me.

    I am so much a peace with who and what I am I have not taken any numbing medications(sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants ) in over 4 months and have only had 1 migraine in 5 last months. I think that’s really awesome. It’s not that I feel better than I ever have it that I feel alive for the first time.
    So today I say I am transgender,

    YES I AM PROUD TO BE TRANSGENDER!!
    “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.”

    Hugs,
    Dawn Lynn
    PS by the way the translation “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.”
    for me is "of course you not a sick disgusting pervert" which is what I thought for most of the first 55 year of my life" So in essence those words have freed me from my self made prison I spent my whole life in.

  12. Tr{Anndy}

    • 1
      entry
    • 0
      comments
    • 2265
      views

    Recent Entries

    {A Word to the Wise: the last time I wrote a blog was for a class about the Social Net in which we read Gregory Ulmer and were introduced to his "puncept;" therefore, I apologize in advance for my frequent use of puncepts in my writing. And while we're on that topic, I apologize for my terrible writing, period.}

    I suppose this is my introduction, and despite my ability to write a mean essay (present thesis excluded), I'm really rather horrible at writing about myself. Anyway, I imagine that my story isn't unlike most of your stories... although I tend to imagine that most of you are much further along your trans* journey (my therapist calls this projection, I believe). The first time I remember thinking I was boy rather than a girl was in kindergarten when all the boys got to be loud and fun and the girls were expected to jumprope or whatever it was that girls were supposed to do. I never did it.

    But this story really starts a number of years later, when I was 14 (15? the years are blurred thanks to PTSD, but that's another subject all together). I spent a lot of my younger years on dial-up AOL pretending to be a guy: first a straight guy, then a gay guy. For a while there I was extremely obsessed with gay guys, and my "bff" at the time, Ro, was a gay guy (unfortunately he was/is in deep denial about this). He was the first person I came out to. "I want to be a gay guy." (I probably confessed this to him during one of our makeout sessions on my grandfather's golf cart--I was a wild child *insert sarcasm here*.) Being the kind of friend he was (and the kind of mom I had, who thought all my friends were hers as well), he told her my secret. I grew up in an ultraconservative part of South Carolina and my mother, of course, was slightly disturbed at this new information. Give her some credit, it was 2001, and even though I have these fantasies about going back and coming out at a younger age, the truth is, it was a totally different time then. So, she swept me off to a therapist.

    Depression.

    Social Anxiety.

    And the biggie...

    Borderline Personality Disorder.

    My life from then on was defined by this diagnosis. I got away with dressing like a guy for a long time because I was goth in high school, which, oddly enough, my mom loved. Things changed when she died in 2006. My mother never knew me as the daughter she always wanted (in fact, she lost 2 daughters: a miscarriage before I was born, and me... the odd, in-between daughter). To cope with her death, I became the person I thought she wanted me to be. Ultra girly. Happy to go shopping, polish my nails, play with babies, or whatever it was that I thought defined the feminine.

    I still played boy online. It was my only escape.

    It used to be that you only ever heard of MTF trans*people. In the months after my mother died (I remember this clearly because I was living with my dad) I ordered a copy of "The Big Gay Book of Erotica" or something. The last story was about a transman. What? (I'm imagining Jack Skellington singing "What is This?!") So there it was. I was a FTM. It took me 5 years to accept that. And here I am.

    And I will leave you with some lyrics from Jack's Lament. Because I can.

    Oh, somewhere deep inside of these bones

    An emptiness began to grow

    There's something out there, far from my home

    A longing that I've never known.

    And finally... I'm Anndy.

  13. I don't believe I've said it before, but it should be noted that these blog posts are (and are going to be) mostly stream-of-thought pieces with minimal editing.

    Studies have found, I am told, that emotion cannot be maintained for significant periods of time. Whether a person's life and environment are good and bad, key moments not withstanding, most people will keep a dull and steady equilibrium of neutrality.

    Perhaps that theory can explain why I do not on a daily basis tear my hair out, shriek myself hoarse or attempt to throw myself from some precipice or other. I rarely shake myself to pieces with self-loathing and fear I will never begin to approach my ideal - feminine - self image. Weeks can go by in emotional mediocrity, where I might almost be resigned to remaining... as I am.

    I wonder, am I unusual in this as a transitioning would-be-woman. Does it show a death of hope? Or, more terrifyingly still, that I was mistaken all along?

    Am I, in fact, cismale?

    No, that can't be right, I am sure of that much at least. I react to that thought as I might to the existential horror of realising I am some inhuman, Lovecraftian being.

    But still... the concern remains - why do I not feel as keenly as I might?

    • 1
      entry
    • 0
      comments
    • 2227
      views

    Recent Entries

    I was always a shy person growing up in a religous family adopted by my grand parents but when my parents died i made new friend in new places one was a gay couple of lesbians i helped raise their kids as though they were my own and they in turn ask me to just be myself note i grew up in a small town in the 70's and 80,s so i always crossdressed in private I'm a trans fem. well one day i went out side without thinking and took a walk while in full drag by the time it hit me i also realized not many were paying me any mind so i slowly came out by the time i told my family they acted supportive but i havent heard from them since but while on the internet i met this person i thought was a friend from school and reunited the more we talk the more i realize it's my birth mother and i also come to find there are 4 other gay relatives on that side of the family. The moral of this story is for every bad thing that happens something good happens in return and for every hater there is a new friend in return.

    p.s. read my book forbidden life of dainna it is about the bad in my life and how we over come those diversities i really need the feed back and thanks for reading this my thought.

    • 2
      entries
    • 0
      comments
    • 2221
      views

    Recent Entries

    Latest Entry

    I am just going to start with today’s events I have a whole lot that I need to do with the blog entries that I’ve made and yet put in. Starting with today, my day started out normal. My morning started with having to wait for my daughter’s boyfriend to bring his truck so I could move a utility trailer out of my front yard and thereby fall in conformance with land-use standards set forth here in Manatee County Florida. In the meantime I picked up the yard because the lawnmower man had arrived to do his weekly cutting. Shortly after he arrived I called my daughter, raised cain because her boyfriend wasn’t here, and as soon as I hung up with her and stepped out the door lo and behold who should arrive. The boyfriend. So he hooked up to the trailer, scooted it over to the east side of the house were we got it in the back were Manatee County can’t complain about it. I then got cleaned up and took my good-natured time getting my girl on. After doing the makeup which I think turned out rather well I picked out my outfit for today which is a light brown skirt a light brown Cammy, and a light brown jacket topped off by a dark brown neck scarf. I changed all my purse nature I had my money and my credit cards and out the door I went. I had a 4 PM appointment at GiGi’s nail salon with a Vietnamese sweetheart who’s never seen me dressed before but has worked on me twice. On arrival there I walked in the door and you could just see the surprised look on Helen’s face. She was finishing up another customer so I had to sit and look through Cosmopolitan Magazine without my real glasses on. Helen I spent the next 45 minutes, which for me was pure bliss because of the fact that none of the ladies that were in the shop took any notice of me other than the fact that I was another lady in there. Helen again complimented me on how good I looked as she continued to work on my nails. Once she completed the nails I paid my bill and and left my customary tip. The nicest thing about this trip was being in a shop full of ladies and never been recognized as anything but another lady getting her nails done. Helen also said have a good time tonight. From GG’s it was off to the house I had a feed the dogs let them out make sure that they were taking care of. Now it’s off the Sam’s Club right that some shopping to do and the gas tank fill up. I have a flight up north tomorrow and I’m contemplating flying “En Femme”. I just need to figure out how I can get to the airport without taking my car or having to have one of the family drive me there. That’s it for now I’ll let you know what else occurs tonight.