Well, I suppose that i am writing this blog not only as a journal, but also as a bit of a release of the feelings, emotions and experiences that have led me here!
This is the story of the transformation from a supposed‘normal guy’, who had given everything, physically, emotionally and mentally, to try so desperately to save his marriage! All he recieved in return was simply to be pushed away by his wife, who said that she didn’t love him any more, and step kids, who simply used, or abused him (verbally with threats of physical!) I knew that it would be a slow process. The healing, which had to take place, would take time, before the rebuilding could come, mentally, and emotionally, I had nothing left, I was on the verge of an intense breakdown, a black hole from which I knew there would be no escape, I no longer knew who I was, who I wanted to be, or what lay ahead.
The only thing I did understand that to stay would push me over the edge, and I would never come back, so I did what I had to, I got out!
There were many tears, many screams, times I just sat there numb. My new place is peaceful though, with lots of areas for walks and solitude, just what I needed to help me discover myself!
Then, in the depths of despair, i reached deep inside, and remembered a part of myself that i had hidden and suppressed for so long that i had almost forgotten, and, once again, just had she had done so many times before, Suzy reached out, and came to rescue me!
slowly, piece by piece, Suzy re-entered my life, helping me cope, helping me survive, giving me the strength to continue. Gradually, the realisation began to dawn on me, Suzette de Femme was not ‘guiding’, ‘inspiring’ or helping me to ‘rebuild my life’, no, it was far more than that, ‘Suzy’ was my life, my soul, and it was not Suzy who was helping me to carry on, it was SUZETTE who WAS getting on with my life!
Life’s still no bed of roses, and, I think, it never will be, though it does seem to be getting more ‘rose tinted’. The friends i’ve made through networking have been a fantastic support (thankyou again, love you all. x x x), and feedback so far has been very positive. I know that some things will take time, and others will hurt, but I’m so used to hurting now, and at least, I suppose, I have some measure of control over what happens next.
However, i have rediscovered some of my self belief, and I just know I’ll survive and become stronger.
I don't honestly know what the future holds for me at the moment, or the role i will eventually take, things are still very tense between myself and my ex, who is, at the moment putting immense pressure on me, especially regarding my stepson, whom i love to bits, and couldn't bear to lose, so i have to keep my true self hidden in most ways at the moment! I don't know whom i'm lying to more though, them or me!! Only time will tell, i suppose!
well, thats part of the story so far, there's more which is too painful to get out at the moment, maybe one day, but hopefully time to move forwards and start enjoying life again!