I don't believe I've said it before, but it should be noted that these blog posts are (and are going to be) mostly stream-of-thought pieces with minimal editing.
Studies have found, I am told, that emotion cannot be maintained for significant periods of time. Whether a person's life and environment are good and bad, key moments not withstanding, most people will keep a dull and steady equilibrium of neutrality.
Perhaps that theory can explain why I do not on a daily basis tear my hair out, shriek myself hoarse or attempt to throw myself from some precipice or other. I rarely shake myself to pieces with self-loathing and fear I will never begin to approach my ideal - feminine - self image. Weeks can go by in emotional mediocrity, where I might almost be resigned to remaining... as I am.
I wonder, am I unusual in this as a transitioning would-be-woman. Does it show a death of hope? Or, more terrifyingly still, that I was mistaken all along?
Am I, in fact, cismale?
No, that can't be right, I am sure of that much at least. I react to that thought as I might to the existential horror of realising I am some inhuman, Lovecraftian being.
But still... the concern remains - why do I not feel as keenly as I might?
While making another large coffee to stave off the cold, I started this list of things I would need to feel right, look right and pass - as great a challenge as that is.
A complete wardrobe of femme clothes
To know how to properly, subtly apply make-up
Decent, maintained hairstyle/s
Facial feminisation surgery
Sexual reassignment surgery
To lose a significant amount of weight
(Aside: Just having written that I went to the kitchen and returned with a plate of cheesy pasta. Yeah, I have no self control with food.)
What can I achieve now?
Not much. I have no-one that can teach me make-up. Though my Mum is totally accepting of who I am, she is an engineer. I have few friends as it is, truth be told, and none of those I regular see are female or femme. I do have one friend I could arrange to meet with but she's far from an expert herself. As for a haircut, I'm growing my hair out as much as possible and any style is going to slow that. Besides, I don't really have money for a regular style beyond a trim.
Surgery and hormones? Hah! I don't even know when my first appointment at Charing Cross is going to be, let alone when I'll get a hormone prescription. I certainly can't afford private care, and it could be years on NHS for the first cut to be considered.
What the hell do I do?
So. Here I am. With a new blog. I'll be honest - I most likely won't keep it up for long. I'm useless at being a regular poster.
Let's see, you'll want to know something about me, I imagine. I'm twenty... twenty... twenty... twenty-something (not a great start) twenty-four, and was born and raised a male. That was, in hindsight, a mistake but who could have known? I am, in fact, a woman though I don't blame anyone for being mistaken when they first meet me. Easy mistake to make.
I first began to realise that I wasn't quite what I appeared to be, what I thought I was, in around Febuary 2011 after a couple of suicide attempts. Nothing serious, really, certainly nothing at all effective though the scars along my forearm from attempt #2 are not unimpressive. I couldn't say if it was these events and qualities - of depression, heavy drinking, utter lack of motivation in university - that led to the realisation but more likely unexpressed gender dysphoria was a contributing factor to my state of mind.
If I had to point to one thing in particular, it would be the LGBT comic KhaosKomix and the community surrounding it. I found parallels with the trans characters Tom and Charlie and with the feelings and histories of other peoples' stories from the forum. I am still amazed that I never realised what I am before.
Since then I have appealed to psychologists and doctors for help in transitioning medically, and been refused, appealed again and been referred to a second clinic and am waiting to hear of an appointment date. Otherwise, I have deeds of my change of name and am distributing them around whoever needs to know.
Why, I wonder and perhaps so do you, do I feel the need to detail my history every time I enter a trans community? Am I trying to prove my credentials?
Anyhow, with all that out of the way, I hope to use this blog to detail my progress in transitioning and to thrash out issues which come up. Hopefully someone will find it interesting enough to read from time to time.