Welcome, once again, to my guide to everything- shining the light of very, very, very sarcastic reasoning into the murky depths of life's mysteries. This time, like a sniper's... scopey... red dot... thing... I'll be taking aim at: mental health!
What is it?
A huge lie concocted by the liberal intelligentia (you know, the one that runs all world affairs from their secret, Thunderbirds-style base somewhere outside of Lewisham) to give queers, trannies, ne'er-do-wells, illegal immigrants, union members and scroungers an excuse for being... whatever the heck it is we are.
[Mental health is a product of our uber-complex brains (and the noodley goodness therein!) whereby we may be unhappy, act out or try and harm ourselves. These issues may be the product of life events, or the result of underlying medical conditions.]
How do we get mentally ill?
A fine question. Usually it's a product of just not getting over things, or being a sensitive Jane or similar. I mean sure, maybe you were raped by a family member or perhaps you served overseas and saw your best friend blown up by an IED... but you don't help yourself by moping about it! Honestly. Malingerer.
Additionally, some people are just born that way. Something ain't quite right in they're noggins, thusly giving them a chemical or hormone imbalance or similar issue. Schizophrenia (which Hannah-Barbera cartoons have taught me means 'multiple personalities'...), bipolar disorder (being into guys and girls while visiting the Arctic), multiple personality disorder (...er, I guess this one is hearing voices, then, if schizophrenia means multiple personalities?), and so on are examples.
Pro tip: being born that way doesn't excuse you from not getting over it. Honestly, you've had the problem forever, so I'd have thought you'd have even started boring yourself by moaning about it! Malingerer.
[Mental health issues are not only very common, their causes vary wildly. It depends on the condition, your background (some mental health conditions can be inherited) and other factors. While you may have a disorder or illness, you're no less a person than someone with diabetes or high-blood pressure. You're still a person, still a human, and still deserving of respect and love.]
What services are there for the mentally ill?
You know on the news, where they talk about the financial crisis and how it was greedy bankers trying to get rich and cripple the world economy (thus ensuring nobody else could get rich) and how we now owe billions and trillions of monies to... someone, somewhere?
Turns out that was because of the mentally ill. I mean sure, the poor, the impoverished and socialists are equally involved, but it's been a triumph of liberalism over good old-fashioned... er... the other thing... to successfully pin the global economic meltdown on those poor, poor greedy motherfuckers in Wall Street and the City of London.
Yes, the reason that our economies have so much trouble is because of the ridiculous billions that we spend on mental health. Seriously, you can't step out of your door without tripping over a doctor trying to assess you, a psychiatrist wanting to help or just a therapist wanting to know if everything is okay.
Sure, some people (paedophiles and immigrants, mostly) will claim that access to mental health is difficult, that it is under-funded and that attitudes to mental well-being in society are disgraceful. But then, they would say that, wouldn't they? Anything for more money to fund their Marxist propaganda, or panda baiting or whatever-it-is that they do.
[Mental health facilities vary by country, state and county. In the UK, for example, our healthcare is free but resources vary by county. In the case of gender dysphoria, some counties will only offer gender reassignment, hormones and therapy whereas others might offer additional procedures. Mental health, in general, is horrendously underfunded: the treatments are long-term, the cause isn't sexy and it doesn't appeal to more conservative voters. As a result, be prepared for long wait times, unless you are in immediate danger or thinking or harming yourself.]
I think I have a mental health issue, what can I do?
Walk it off, pansy! If you had a broken leg, or an exploded pancreas or tickly sternum disease (TSD, very serious) you wouldn't be clogging up hospitals looking for help! You'd be out there, getting on with things: hunting gophers, playing pool and running up and down staircases.
[Go see your GP/doctor and ask to be referred to a specialist. Family practice doctors are generally good people but their knowledge is broad and shallow. They won't take offence (or at least shouldn't!) if you have concerns you'd like to run by a specialist. The specialist may, in turn, then refer you to someone even more specialised. For example, in the case of gender dysphoria, I was referred from my GP to the County Mental Health Team, and from there to a gender specialist. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want.]
Am I in danger from a friend or family member who is mentally ill?
Be afraid. Sure today they might be complaining about 'feeling a bit blue' or 'thinking they're in the wrong gender', but tomorrow they'll be swinging an axe at your face will policemen chase them with a butterfly net.
[Mental health encompasses a huge, huge range of disorders and illnesses. Just like sick people can sometimes become delirious or have altered mental states and possibly be a threat, so can mentally sick people. However, you don't run for your life when someone has a cough or a sprained ankle, so don't run if someone is depressed or has another psychological condition. Like most people in the world, those of us with mental issues are not psychopaths, we don't work at Bates' Motel and we're perfectly harmless. Unless you criticise The Touch by Stan Bush, then I will end you, you monster.]
I have a mental health issue... What about family and friends? Will they understand?
If they have sense, they will run far, far away. So far, in fact, that they actually appear behind you (having circumnavigated the globe) and are then forced to run away again. Possibly they may end up living in a monastery. Or on Saturn. Or have themselves turned into minestrone, just to ensure their safety.
[There are people and there are people. I hope, sincerely, that anyone lucky enough to be able to count you as a friend will treasure you enough to stand by you and support you. That said, some people are jerks, selfish, cowardly or just plain cunts. If you lose a family member or friend, it's not your problem. It's theirs. There are plenty of great people out there: societies, support groups and so on. If you are unlucky enough to not have a supportive family, you can build your own one.]
Can I be cured?
Possibly. We will need leeches, a packet of Doritos and a 6x4 photograph of Bill Oddie. Meet me at the crossroads at midnight! Bring a cauldron. And a pudding.
[Nearly all mental health conditions are manageable, even if not curable. It depends on the condition, its severity and a bunch of other factors. Don't lose heart, and don't give up. We're all different and we all have plenty to offer and deserve to be loved for who we are.]
Cripes: another of life's great puzzles has been un-puzzled! So to you, my mentally ill reader, I wish God's speed (because god is, apparently, quite fast? Maybe he has rollerskates or something?) and the best of luck.
Remember: no matter how dangerous a Marxist lunatic you may be, at least you'll have an interesting ice breaker at parties! "Hello, I'm Professor Orangutan and I am receiving psychological treatment treatment to cure my sexual attraction to flames!" (or whatever your condition might be).
So, until next time, I hope you have learnt something from my Guide to Everything!
Kaylee is a pansexual, trans-woman. She is pre-op and has been on hormones since June 2013. She is a size 14 (and growing!) gender/sexuality/sex/size advocate. Curvy, cute, bi and proud. She is a successful technology expert in the UK, in a long-term, committed relationship with a trans-man.