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About this blog

This blog is dedicated to telling those who read the entries about my journey in hopes that something can be learned. 

Entries in this blog

Conversation at work today

To start off I take a break every hour at work, walk down three stories, head outside for a few minutes then back to work. Although we have three elevators many uses the stairs and with that I pass several people that I don't know (we have over 1,000 employees). This one lady stopped me several weeks ago whom I have never spoken to before were the conversation was everyday stuff. This morning she stopped me again and at one point said she never said anything before to me when I was male was beca
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

3

My new birthday

I was born September 24, 1956 but have now declared my new birthday as January 27 as this is the date to commemorate my correct gender. I was surprised that on Facebook they allow you to change your birthday up to three times while I figured unless you have done something along the lines of what I did you would get it right the first time. Some might have issues with changing one's birthday yet I don't. Along the same lines when I changed my gender marker and first name I changed my last name to
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

3

Second letter done

Received my second letter for surgery requirements and a letter to assist with changing my gender on my driver licence. The letter for my driver licence is critical in tangent with my legal name change documents so I can book flights to and from California so I can purchase tickets shortly that match my name change and soon to be new gender. After this I visited with a close friend who gave me an early Christmas present of 5 tube and two large bottles of KY Jelly for dilation after surgery. W
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Post surgery planned visit with old friend

I was on Facebook tonight where I mentioned taking my new laptop to California with me. I have about 146 friends where about 8 know what's going on. Well my brother's old girlfriend from back from a few years after graduating from High School back in Pennsylvania saw my post and said "we should hook up". So I wrote her a private message explaining what was going on, she still wants to meet Those were interesting times back then, she was dating my brother and I was dating her best friend. We
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Indelible

Two years ago, I decided that I was going to transform so one of my first real steps was with tattoos. Any tattoo I had done was well thought out and no thought of any being even remotely male centric. The image below shows several on my shoulder and several on my neck. Besides those, I have several below the waist in front and (horrors) a tramp-stamp on my backside although I deplore it being called a tramp-stamp. These tattoos not only provide strength and comfort but also mark a time of never
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Confidence

Prior to perusing my current path to transition I did many things correct except one thing which was to try and fit in better. The main reason was, I was sure surgery would not be an opinion as it seems the Benjamin standards were to strict for me in that I wanted to not fully come out yet still have surgery and then come out in the future. I was sure this would work for me but several therapists did not see it that way. With that, I decided surgery would not happen and did not worry about manne
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Getting down to the wire

The following has no real train of thought (dang female hormones ) but this is what's up Just received my packet from Doctor Bower, have started filling in forms and making appointments for EKG and HIV testing. Three weeks to go to formalization on name change. Going through the list of items I need to take with me to California and see that I need a ample supply of KY jelly. I decided to do NetFlix subscription, as being there for two weeks will need something to do when unable to get aroun
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

How I will spend Christmas

As Christmas gets closer it looks like I will not be spending time with any friends but will visit a friend on Christmas Eve. Why mention this? Because I am sure, there are many out there that may very well be depressed and that need not be. My decision is too keep busy so my plans are to a) setup my new laptop, which is scheduled for delivery tomorrow morning (I will turn it on tomorrow to make sure it functions) via two-day business delivery, have been tracking it, and is on time. b. Comcas
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Difficulties

Thinking of transitioning as difficult (thinking of those going through this currently); everyone will have some level of difficulty where a good deal of issues come from the degree of support we have and we can feel that we can compartmentalize each part as in family, friends and work and that is it but as many know here we must also deal with society at large. Having an overall good support system will lessen what difficulties they will have to contend with. Is it possible to change everyone’
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Received an excellent comment today

While waiting for my friend (female) to get ready to leave for the movies her daughter came home, said Hello Karen, I heard your name change has been completed. I said the big thing for me was more of having a bank card with Karen Payne. She did not know I was changing my last name. I pulled out my new and former driver license, she compared pictures and said "I remember you then but you have changed drastically since then". She held both licenses for a minute shaking her head and then said, it'
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Friends visit tonight

My best friend arrived tonight with a flower bouquet with a balloon "it's a girl". What happened at one point after she took several pictures of me and then broke down crying saying "I have never seen you this happy" to me and pretty much seconds later I had tears o joy. This will be a memorable moment in time for me which really there are no words to tell people how I felt at that very moment.
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Pooping (a serious topic)

It is critical that one can poop before being discharged. With past surgeries I had a great deal of troubles unlike this time. What made the difference? Consuming massive quantities of water and a decent Amount of prune juice. Past and present I had same amount of stool softener. With that guess were I am heading :-)
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Sick

Went to bed not feeling well, all points to bowel. Got four hours sleep, woke up, empty pee bag then back in bed but felt wet on the backside. Yeah know in this case I was right to wear black undies. Washed the soiled undies, took a decent poop. Still not feeling good at all and stepped outside for a minute, came back inside, made coffee and while waiting drank OJ (this is at 1 AM mind you), popped on the tele, watched the beginning o the late show and started feeling much better. The feeling
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Going home (and a tad more)

Just received my confirmation for a limo which will pick me up at my hotel and drive me to the airport in style. Have been here for 12 days that mark the beginning of my new life and even though I have missed home I have to say all those who have helped me do the transition here I am very grateful too. As I have mention several times that this is simply a stepping stone in my journey that by no means complete it is simply the most expensive aspect of this journey. One of the promises I mad
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Worst part of my trip to California

Yesterday started out good but ended up as a very frustrating day overall. Got up, took a shower then ate breakfast followed by checking email. One of the messages was from Alaska airlines indicating there were congestion issues forecasted at the San Francisco airport (which is ten minutes from my hotel) and that my flight was moved to San Jose which is just over one hour away. Called the limo service right away and said no problem. Wait for two hours, limo driver comes to pick me up and advised
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Holy cow

Went to the grocery store this morning and while heading down one of the aisles a co-worker was crossing the aisle, look right at me and did not notice me. That was indeed a good sign as you can not fake not recognizing someone I had worked with for 15 years verses the look that someone gives you that they are ignoring you, at least in my book. This happened two other times in the past year so guess I am on the right track.
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Finally the largest dilator

No surprise it was very painful at the back of my vagina and let me say, time pasted very slowly and did controlled breathing the entire time. I am no wimp when it comes to pain and would say I can not wait till this size dilator is fitting without any pain. Edit: Second time was less painful.
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Work asked me to...

I am still on sick leave but went into work yesterday to try out my new username for signing into the local network. Talked to my boss, told him that I most likely would not be back next week as Marci's office has not given me a letter to return to work yet. He was fine with that. He then said, could you please write something up for your business partners whom do not know about your transition. I told him that I already did this. He then asked if I would write something up for our IT divisio
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Breast implants

For the past week or so have been doing research on surgeons in my area for performing breast implants and finally found one but they are booked until May for consultations. Went to there office, made the appointment and took home several pages for them like anytime one sees a new doctor. I thought it was interesting but not surprised that surgeons and doctors have a list of people who had surgery recently as after giving the receptionist my name she pulled up my address and phone number.
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Two moments out of my week

Moment 1 Just went to an appointment for some skin care treatment at a spa. As they are going through my medical history they ask, are you on birth control (I give a ever so slight smile), I said no, then ask (and I would thought this question would be first) have you been through menopause? I said no (big smile inside). At the end of the consultation we shared war stories of breast augmentation, she with breast reduction, me, well yeah no it was the opposite. During the consultation she asked w
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Surgery images

I have noticed that there are not a lot of images for GRS so I slapped three together that I thought might provide a bit of perspective. The image has three, one immediately after surgery which looks rather raw, second (must have a strong stomach for this one), third is three weeks post surgery and can still see some stiches. I do photos once a week and will post another one in a couple of months. NOTE: Please do not share this image as I am only sharing here for those who are curious to w
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Two females and 12 males training hard today

Several of the things I am certified to teach require recertification like tactical batons its every three years, firearms every year, hand-to-hand combat and edge weapons every year. The Hand-to-hand and edge weapons lapsed last year because of my transition. I informed the Grand Master about this about six months ago and was very supportive of my transition and said make sure you come to training (which was today). He lives in Florida and does certifications at various locations around the
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Paralyzed with fear over others perception of us

Over time it is hard to not recognize that not just with gender issues but every aspect of life we encounter a fear and doubt our abilities to cope. This is normal behavior until we key in on gender dysphoria because if nothing else we are living in a world that is gender centric, male or female. Fear of being late with a car payment is vastly different than stepping out one’s front door dressed in the opposite gender. We can call the bank, chat with them and make special arrangements if your
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Post surgery report 2

My friend had me pick up groceries prior to surgery, two items in particular I wondered about, strawberries and blueberries. Well last night I found out they were for me to assist with constipation as happens after surgery. So I am eating them right up. Urinating is no problem at all. Speaking of urinating, I am wearing a rather loose fitting and long top so each time I go the top is lifted up over my new breast and of course have to stare at them, oh so nice looking if I do say so myself. Dinne
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

2

Post Surgery report 4

At my post surgery appointment I was told all looked fine. There will be at least four more visits/check-ups. They were very surprised when my female friend reported that I had taken only twenty-five percent of the pain killers since surgery and said most patients take all the medication.  They gave me Lipikar Baue AP creme which helps restore skin's hydrolipidic layer for my breast. My current pain level is under 1 using 1 to 10 scale  
KarenPayne

KarenPayne

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