Everyone should have a 'transition song'.
I listen to mine every single day. Every time my transition gets to be too hard or too frustrating.
"Silhouettes" by Avicii is mine. Not only because of the video that comes along with it, but for the lyrics.
"We've come a long way since that day, and we'll never look back at the faded silhouettes."
It means you have to keep looking forward. You're not the person you were back then. You're not the same person you were on the day you decided enough was enough, and you're now you. The REAL you!
I vowed that it'll be the song I listen to before I go in for my top surgery, and I'll listen to it as soon as I come out. Avicii has kept me going with that one simple song, so...soooo many times.
Blaring it in the car, on my headphones, on the stereo....anything. It keeps my head up.
I wanted to take a minute to vent out some encouragement to you guys, and girls even. I had this moment of bursting enthusiasm on my way home tonight, of course, while listening to this song.
One day you will have your moment. Maybe it's already come and you're transitioning. Maybe you're still trying to get up the courage to have your moment of truth. But one day, you'll have it.
And it will be sooooo soooo uplifting and relieving. To finally get it off your chest.
A truth that no one can fully understand and appreciate unless they've been through it.
Since I started my job, my new doctor, and my therapist Joan...I've grown a person.
I was depressed, dare I say suicidal, confused, frustrated, angry, and overweight.
I was stressed. I hated my reflection, I hated my life, my situation, my family…I just wanted out. I soon turned to cutting, slicing away at my arms because the pain numbed the emotions. Hiding in a bathroom stall at work simply to avoid talking to people. Enduring the stinging of my chef’s coat sleeves rubbing against my bandaged and swollen arms, only to increase the agony later that night.
I know it sounds like I’m only being depressing right now but bare with me here for a moment.
That was almost a year ago.
I went from 235pnds to 208pnds. You want to know how? Not with my diet, because it hasn’t changed much. Not with exercise because I don’t get much aside from work.
That’s what I credit it to. I’m a happier person, more comfortable in my own skin.
And that all came from one simple thing. Truth.
Accepting who I am and moving forward to become that man OUTSIDE as much as I was INSIDE.
Acceptance from my boyfriend, and knowing that he’ll be by my side even if I think he’d be best with a real girl. Someone who like to dress up and look pretty.
Acceptance from myself, that I don’t HAVE to be Kristy. I don’t HAVE to put on make up. I don’t HAVE to put on that blouse, or that pretty skirt, and damn it I don’t HAVE to shave my damn legs every night and make my hair perfect and torment myself with the constant images of what I knew people WANTED ME to look like.
I threw aside my faded photograph of the girl my mother raised, and instead started to draw my own picture. Of me. Of Warren.
Point is…be you.
I know that sounds corny but it’s true.
BE TRUE TO YOU.
A quote from Aslan from Chronicles of Narnia was “You doubt your values…don’t. Don’t run from who you are.”
No matter how far I ran or how much makeup I bought or what my dresses looked like, I was running away from my true self. The person I knew I was deep down inside, no matter what people said.
So what, you don’t want to wear that blouse? Then don’t! You want to put on jeans? Damn it, rock those denims! You don’t like bras? Guess what, no one does! Ditch it! Sure, you might have to exchange it for a binder or so but hell, I wake up every morning and put it on and don’t feel HALF as miserable as I did looking at those damn “boulder holders”.
You don’t like heels? Great, they’re uncomfortable anyway! You don’t like makeup? FINE! You’re gorgeous or handsome how you are! You want to try boxers? GOOD ON YA! You’ll love it, theyre comfortable as hell! Cut that hair! Dirty those hands!
Get under the hood of that car, no one can tell you that you cant!
Damn it, same goes for you girls! You like pink? SO WHAT!? I LIKE BLUE! And red, really.
You want to wear a skirt? Well damn it, shave those legs and rock those pastels! You like heels? Good on ya, because I cant stand them! Someone’s gotta do it!
Lacey pink panties? Hell yea, that shit is adorable!
Makeup makes you feel good? PERFECT!!!
It makes you feel good…it makes you happy…it makes you…YOU..
Don’t bow down to society.
You like dolls, you like cars…who cares? True they whisper. True they talk.
But it’s worth it. Every word, every lie, every muttering word they spit.
It’s worth it.
It might not feel like it right now, or tomorrow, or a week from now. But one day you’ll look back and realize it was worth it.
I hated myself back a year ago. I hated going out. I dreaded getting dressed in the morning, and I wanted to burn my wardrobe. I hated my hair, I hated brushing it, hated doing ANYTHING to it. I hated putting on makeup.
Now….I love me. It’s not perfect, and there are certainly things I want to change. But I’m comfortable.
I cried when I cut off all my hair. I cried because I could finally see what I wanted to see.
All those years of standing crouched in the mirror so I could try and imagine myself without breasts. All those years of tucking my hair into a hat to try and picture what I’d look like as a man.
I wake up, rake a hand through my short hair, pull on my boxers and my jeans. I wrestle into my binders and tuck them into my jeans, button up my favorite green shirt, and drop my hat on slightly sideways before lacing up my steeltoe boots.
I stand up, look in the mirror….and I see…ME.
Not someone pretending to be who theyre not, just for the sake of salvation from judgement.
We get judged every day, regardless of your gender or orientation.
Theyre judging you for the car you drive. The soda you drink. The socks you wear. The food you eat.
Why not get judged for something that matters?
This matters to me.
And even though I still have a long way to go, I’m comfortable knowing that….
“We’ve come a long way since that day. And we’ll never look back at the faded silhouettes”
Kristy is my faded silhouette.
She was pretty, she was kind, she was shy, but she was scared. And she was depressed. And she was so…so very confused and frustrated, and wanted to endure no more.
She blossomed, she toughened up, she worked on her car and she didn’t give a damn.
She became Warren.
Warren is cute, almost like he skipped puberty and stayed adorable. Warren is kind, he is shy, and he certainly still gets scared. Warren talks to a therapist, but mostly just to give himself a kick in the ass when he needs it. To make himself stop and think and get a move on.
Warren is no longer depressed. Warren is no longer confused, he knows who he is.
HE is HIMSELF.
And you are too, but only if you let yourself be.
You cant blossom if you don’t look at the sunshine. You cant transform if you don’t break out of your cocoon. You cant win a race if you don’t hit the gas. You cant lift that weight if you don’t break a sweat. You cant see the light by hiding in the shadows.
Be who you are.
I cant say it enough, I really cant.
You may be transgendered, but you’re also transformed.
In more ways than one, you have evolved. Or you’re yet to.
If you haven’t yet…don’t fear it. Don’t fight it.
Because it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world.
Walking into a changing room and being directed to the mens rooms when you once shrank away in the women’s room. Or being shown a pair of heels when someone once forced your sparkling piggies into boots or sneakers.
Trying on that skirt for the first time and realizing how wonderful it felt.
Putting on that baggy tshirt because damn it, that ****ing blouse drove you crazy!
Chosing those bangles and earring to match your outfit.
Taking off the jewelry and getting dirty.
It’s different for everyone, but I can promise that everyone has the same smile in the end.
A real smile.
A true smile.
One you’d been hiding, or perhaps you never knew you had.
No one else can do it for you.