So I realized last night that I hadnt really updated you guys lately. I dont blog NEARLY as much as I used to, but hopefully I can bring it back up at some point
So, so far I am LOVING my new job. The people here are SUPER supportive and understanding, and are well aware of me being transgender. They're totally cool with it, and even said that when it comes time for my surgery, as long as I give them a heads up before hand (which I totally would anyway) I can take the 2 weeks off to heal. My boss has been really cool about it and I love coming to work
As for my youtube, I am still attempting to keep up with it lol I have my new one (probably the shortest vid I've ever done!) and another one coming up at some point in the week. My upload times are scattered now with my new job, since I usually dont get home until around 4am on tuesday so getting up early on wednesday to film and upload is near impossible. I'm so tired! Either way, I'm doing what I can with what I have. Unfortunately my camera on my computer is nearly impossible to use as it freezes and the framerate lags like no other, so I'm reduced to using my ipod to film. Which can be a pain sometimes and looks sooooo unprofessional but....whatever. Use what I got. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3Da5exjrQ8]
In reference to the top surgery, I DID find a surgeon! The hospital I were originally supposed to go with continues to be stubborn in saying "one year of HRT" is their "policy" and they refuse to deviate from it. So I told them I'd take my business elsewhere. I found another guy who does the top surgeries, and have talked to two people who have also gone to him and said he was great. Only bad review I found about him was about a girl getting lip injections and she sounded whiny and demanding so I didnt take it to heart. He does not require HRT or a year's worth of Gender Therapy (which is great because I called to set up an appointment with one of the gender therapist. The list goes on until next year!!!). Originally my appointment were supposed to be for August 18th but they had to reschedule for September 1st because the surgery consultant is on vacation.Which is longer to wait but I'll just have to deal with it.
So far it's looking like the insurance WILL cover the surgery since I am in pain and discomfort which disrupts my daily life, but until I see the surgeon and get all the info, I cannot be sure. Fingers crossed that they'll cover it!! The back pain has been horrible lately I'm now at a 44DDD and my binders hurt to wear, on top of the fact that they dont really seem to do much to hide my "issues" anymore....It's super depressing. While working bar I do get the occassional "mister" or "buddy" or "guy" and "he". But I still get the she, her, miss, etc....There's not much I can do about it. I did mention to my boss out of a joke that it's a pain because sometimes you just cannot correct them without seeming rude, and she patted me on the back and said to give it time. I'm just a super impatient person.
Being back on my Zoloft has helped a little bit, but I'm thinking of increasing the dosage (Yes, my doc said I could. She said to finish this week on 25mg then go to my 50mg that I have stashed away from a previous dose). So we'll see how that goes. I have resisted self harm for about a month now, and although I've had nights when I certainly were ready to break that stride, I have so far stayed away from it. I'm hoping to keep staying cut-free, and keeping myself busy at work seems to help. It's nice because a lot of my job, I'm either super busy or on my own out in the woods, which helps. Seclusion sometimes helps the anxiety.
Anyways, stay awesome!
So, my therapist had me do a project. Well, ex-therapist. I quit her, but I never did the project. Decided to do it tonight. She wanted me to write about how I felt with my 'conditions.'
Here ya go.
"Imagine a desert. No beginning and no ending. Nothing in sight but sand and an occasional breeze. It’s humid and agonizingly hot, every breeze that wanders through only seems to increase the heat. Every direction in which you wander only seems to send you in the same looping circles, though you cannot tell because there are no markers and no footprints. Nothing to occupy you while you wander aimlessly and afraid. You feel no thirst in this desert. No hunger in your belly. But instead of these things, you instead suffer such an overwhelming sense of failure that nothing seems worthwhile. Every step you take is agony. Your feet burn from the sand, yet you cannot bare to stand in one spot for too long, fearing you may scream from the pain. Yet it doesn’t matter, because every scream that escapes your lips is silent. Every wail and cry is unheard in this vast and seemingly empty desert of sand and dune. No one can hear your grief. No one can comfort your fear. Ghosts only occupy your mind, though they whisk away as nothing but sand with empty and concerned eyes. There seems to comfort from this burning hell, and nothing seems to comfort and relieve you. It is as if you’re burning apart from the inside out, turning hollow and dark. You think you see shadows of guests in your own personal hell, but alas, they only turn away and disappear into the dunes. Mirages, simply put there to make you hope before making you weep. There seems to be no escape, yet you’re not even sure how you got there to begin with. All you can do is wander, and wait, and hope that someone somewhere will rescue you.
These things are Depression.
Imagine that you are within a room. It is a tiny room, to be honest. This tiny room has only four walls of a bland grey, the floor covered in broken and cracked tiles of unidentified color. Should you know this color? Have you forgotten this color? The ceiling is low against you. So low that it actually forces you to remain laid down upon that floor, curled up in an uncomfortable position, struggling to find relief from this frustrating situation. No position seems to help, and every part of your body hurts from the attempts to find one. Not only can you find no comfort, but from places unknown, noise vibrates through these walls. These grey, oddly crowding walls. Are they shrinking? Have they gotten shorter? Perhaps you should have noticed this. Have you gone crazy? These noises make no sense. They jumble together like spilt scrabble pieces, making no sense but reaching you nevertheless. Screams inaudible. Nails upon chalk, a pounding like hundreds of hammers against your little walls. Wailing for unknown ailments, furious yelling as though angry creatures stalk for you. Should you remain quiet? Or are they here to help you? No, you remain quiet. Perhaps it is best. The noises never dull. They never quit, and they never quiet. Unyielding and demanding, these sounds pester and frighten you in your little box. You need something—anything—to lock out those taunting walls and frightening noises. Anything to make it stop, even if just for a moment to offer you repreave. Yet…you dare not move. You dare not breathe. They might hear you. They might tear apart your walls and discover you. Every scream seems to be your name. Every angry cuss feels as though it were directed at you. Every wail seems to be of your cause, filling you with despair. And among these things, the whispers can be heard. Are they mocking you? Perhaps. Are they rumors of your existence, spoken either kindly or of ill will? You’ll never know. Are they perhaps just comments of your agony, or broken and weak attributes? Can they see you in that box? Or perhaps they are nothing at all. Perhaps you’ve simply lost your mind. Is this all a game that you’re failing? Regardless, they persist. Should you listen? It hurts to hear their sounds. But what if it is something important? Maybe you should know these things. If only it were all silent, you could perhaps breathe. The tiny confinement limits your air, cutting away your ability to think clearly with all the noise and that agonizing sense of dry drowning. You want to escape. You want to flee as far and as fast as you can. But instead, you have to wait for someone to open your box and let you out.
These things are Anxiety.
Your day begins as it always does. You don’t remember when exactly you fell asleep the night before. Or what woke you up today, for that matter. Regardless, here you are. You stare at the ceiling in a sense of hopeless ambition, feeling as though you’re sinking. You almost hope you do, actually. To sink down so far that you will never have to come out. Yet, you do. You somehow insist on getting up, beginning to dress yourself. What will you wear? Will you conform to society’s demands, or will you do what makes you feel normal? Let us assume for a moment that society rules today. You wear what they demand, a sense of aching in your chest as you slip into the clothes that they deem appropriate. You feel ridiculous and hideous, yet you endure it. Perhaps you wander to the bathroom and paint on a face that is not yours? Wearing a mask with bold lettering stating “I’m fine”. Perhaps you will do something with your hair. You’re not entirely sure what to do with it, because everything you attempt seems odd and unfamiliar. As if you’re modeling yourself in someone else’s image. Someone you are not, yet….someone you are. They say you are. They insist you are. With a heavy sigh and a broken heart, you wander from your room. Will you work today? Will you go to school today? It all blends together regardless. It feels as though all eyes are on you. Every detail of yourself seems flawed and obvious, and everyone is whispering about it. You are desperate to hide, even if for a moment. This isn’t you….This isn’t who you are…but its only for today. Right….?
No, let us instead chose that you decide to be yourself. You set aside those things, and you avoid that mask. It has been put away for now, and you can use your authentic smile and enjoy today. You dress as you wish, and do your hair as you please. Yes, this looks right. This looks pleasing for once. Is that a smile I see? Yes, I think it is, actually. Perhaps today will be fine Perhaps today you will enjoy being out of that bed. But wait…they’re still looking at you. Are they looking even more? I cannot tell, to be honest. But…but wait. Those things you don’t like. They’re hidden, aren’t they? Those things that you wish you could remove yourself, but know it will end you for certain. They cannot be seen can they? But it feels as though everyone sees them. Everyone seems to point, even if not physically. They whisper, they talk, then they giggle. Do they know this is really you? Or do they think this is a mask? Do you blend in, or do you stick out like some freakishly abnormal thumb? Perhaps you will be the mask again tomorrow. Perhaps it is safer. But wait…the mask hurts. But doesn’t this hurt? Nothing seems right.
These things are Dysphoria.
Today you are happy. Today you have had no cause of alarm, and you’ve found a rather enjoyable time either playing games or spending time with friends. Your smile is priceless, your joy unavoidable. It seems contagious, as if you have gotten the laughing virus and no one is immune to your illness. You find a smile on the faces of others enjoyable, and you thrive on these things. You giggle and you jump around, having a blast and perhaps even singing without shame. You dance as if your mother will be embarrassed, and you have no shame. But wait…what is this? Where did this darkness come from? Your smile disappears. Your chest aches and you can feel your heart sinking. As if it were a literal disease, your heart sinks into your stomach like the titanic and disappears. You look around, and everyone is still smiling. Why wont they stop smiling? All you can think is “stop smiling at me!”. You want it to stop, and its making you furious. What is this feeling? Where has it come from? Nothing had upset you that you can remember. You were so happy five minutes ago. What changed? People will ask you what they did wrong. You have no answer for them, yet somehow it is annoying that they ask. They will ask you ‘are you angry at me?’ and you will struggle to figure that out. Are you angry with them? But weren’t you just happy with them? Did they do something wrong to you, or have they done something that somehow impacted your emotion? You cant even put words to it. It is as if someone has taken your happy. They have taken that little spark in your eyes and put it in a box, and they’re holding it hostage. Perhaps it will come back. You want people to give it back to you, and you want them to understand that they did nothing wrong. But you wish they’d stop asking you what is wrong. You don’t know what is wrong, and it is frustrating to try and figure it out. But wait, what is this emotion now? Are these new things?
These things are Bipolar.
You have your desk, and it is your own. Your own design, your own order, your own creation. Things are just as you please, and nothing can damage that. You know how things are to be done, and how things will work, and these things make life pleasant. You enjoy your things and your desk, your creations and your order. Yes, your order. The patterns in which you place things, making them as your mind has decided ‘yes, this is right’. You will not understand this order, but you will obey this order. You may try to explain it to others around you, but this is a language that they do not understand. You walk away, pleased with this order. But wait, you come back. Someone has altered your design. They have changed your order. These things are not in their places. Your mind falters like a car out of control, screaming tires and smoke. No, no, no, no! This must be corrected! They have changed things! What has been changed? You cannot decide. No, no, this must not be. These things make your head ache, your heart beat rapidly, your hands sweat and your fingers shake. No, this must not be! You scramble to fix these things. People point and laugh. This is amusing to them. They will alter them later simply to watch you panic once more, though they hardly understand the pain your head feels at this moment. These things must not be so. Your order must persist. Your design must be as it was. Your stomach is in knots, as if this alter of design will cause you harm. As if this change of pace will bring forth a sense of dread unknown to man and misunderstood by all who witness it. Wait…yes…yes, this is better. This is your order. Yes, you have fixed this disaster. You have brought peace to this chaos. You’ve done it! You’ve brought back your order, your design, you have recreated the life in which they have destroyed. Yes, you can breathe now. You can breathe. You can relax. All is well, and all shall remain well. So long as the order is kept…
These things are Over Compulsive Disorder.
There are more of these things.
Perhaps we will speak of these things later.
These things have made me tired.
Also my Mom called me Ren. Kind of a big deal, but I'm still cautious about it. It's not like her to cooperate so well....
Everyone should have a 'transition song'.
I listen to mine every single day. Every time my transition gets to be too hard or too frustrating.
"Silhouettes" by Avicii is mine. Not only because of the video that comes along with it, but for the lyrics.
"We've come a long way since that day, and we'll never look back at the faded silhouettes."
It means you have to keep looking forward. You're not the person you were back then. You're not the same person you were on the day you decided enough was enough, and you're now you. The REAL you!
I vowed that it'll be the song I listen to before I go in for my top surgery, and I'll listen to it as soon as I come out. Avicii has kept me going with that one simple song, so...soooo many times.
Blaring it in the car, on my headphones, on the stereo....anything. It keeps my head up.
I wanted to take a minute to vent out some encouragement to you guys, and girls even. I had this moment of bursting enthusiasm on my way home tonight, of course, while listening to this song.
One day you will have your moment. Maybe it's already come and you're transitioning. Maybe you're still trying to get up the courage to have your moment of truth. But one day, you'll have it.
And it will be sooooo soooo uplifting and relieving. To finally get it off your chest.
A truth that no one can fully understand and appreciate unless they've been through it.
Since I started my job, my new doctor, and my therapist Joan...I've grown a person.
I was depressed, dare I say suicidal, confused, frustrated, angry, and overweight.
I was stressed. I hated my reflection, I hated my life, my situation, my family…I just wanted out. I soon turned to cutting, slicing away at my arms because the pain numbed the emotions. Hiding in a bathroom stall at work simply to avoid talking to people. Enduring the stinging of my chef’s coat sleeves rubbing against my bandaged and swollen arms, only to increase the agony later that night.
I know it sounds like I’m only being depressing right now but bare with me here for a moment.
That was almost a year ago.
I went from 235pnds to 208pnds. You want to know how? Not with my diet, because it hasn’t changed much. Not with exercise because I don’t get much aside from work.
That’s what I credit it to. I’m a happier person, more comfortable in my own skin.
And that all came from one simple thing. Truth.
Accepting who I am and moving forward to become that man OUTSIDE as much as I was INSIDE.
Acceptance from my boyfriend, and knowing that he’ll be by my side even if I think he’d be best with a real girl. Someone who like to dress up and look pretty.
Acceptance from myself, that I don’t HAVE to be Kristy. I don’t HAVE to put on make up. I don’t HAVE to put on that blouse, or that pretty skirt, and damn it I don’t HAVE to shave my damn legs every night and make my hair perfect and torment myself with the constant images of what I knew people WANTED ME to look like.
I threw aside my faded photograph of the girl my mother raised, and instead started to draw my own picture. Of me. Of Warren.
Point is…be you.
I know that sounds corny but it’s true.
BE TRUE TO YOU.
A quote from Aslan from Chronicles of Narnia was “You doubt your values…don’t. Don’t run from who you are.”
No matter how far I ran or how much makeup I bought or what my dresses looked like, I was running away from my true self. The person I knew I was deep down inside, no matter what people said.
So what, you don’t want to wear that blouse? Then don’t! You want to put on jeans? Damn it, rock those denims! You don’t like bras? Guess what, no one does! Ditch it! Sure, you might have to exchange it for a binder or so but hell, I wake up every morning and put it on and don’t feel HALF as miserable as I did looking at those damn “boulder holders”.
You don’t like heels? Great, they’re uncomfortable anyway! You don’t like makeup? FINE! You’re gorgeous or handsome how you are! You want to try boxers? GOOD ON YA! You’ll love it, theyre comfortable as hell! Cut that hair! Dirty those hands!
Get under the hood of that car, no one can tell you that you cant!
Damn it, same goes for you girls! You like pink? SO WHAT!? I LIKE BLUE! And red, really.
You want to wear a skirt? Well damn it, shave those legs and rock those pastels! You like heels? Good on ya, because I cant stand them! Someone’s gotta do it!
Lacey pink panties? Hell yea, that shit is adorable!
Makeup makes you feel good? PERFECT!!!
It makes you feel good…it makes you happy…it makes you…YOU..
Don’t bow down to society.
You like dolls, you like cars…who cares? True they whisper. True they talk.
But it’s worth it. Every word, every lie, every muttering word they spit.
It’s worth it.
It might not feel like it right now, or tomorrow, or a week from now. But one day you’ll look back and realize it was worth it.
I hated myself back a year ago. I hated going out. I dreaded getting dressed in the morning, and I wanted to burn my wardrobe. I hated my hair, I hated brushing it, hated doing ANYTHING to it. I hated putting on makeup.
Now….I love me. It’s not perfect, and there are certainly things I want to change. But I’m comfortable.
I cried when I cut off all my hair. I cried because I could finally see what I wanted to see.
All those years of standing crouched in the mirror so I could try and imagine myself without breasts. All those years of tucking my hair into a hat to try and picture what I’d look like as a man.
I wake up, rake a hand through my short hair, pull on my boxers and my jeans. I wrestle into my binders and tuck them into my jeans, button up my favorite green shirt, and drop my hat on slightly sideways before lacing up my steeltoe boots.
I stand up, look in the mirror….and I see…ME.
Not someone pretending to be who theyre not, just for the sake of salvation from judgement.
We get judged every day, regardless of your gender or orientation.
Theyre judging you for the car you drive. The soda you drink. The socks you wear. The food you eat.
Why not get judged for something that matters?
This matters to me.
And even though I still have a long way to go, I’m comfortable knowing that….
“We’ve come a long way since that day. And we’ll never look back at the faded silhouettes”
Kristy is my faded silhouette.
She was pretty, she was kind, she was shy, but she was scared. And she was depressed. And she was so…so very confused and frustrated, and wanted to endure no more.
She blossomed, she toughened up, she worked on her car and she didn’t give a damn.
She became Warren.
Warren is cute, almost like he skipped puberty and stayed adorable. Warren is kind, he is shy, and he certainly still gets scared. Warren talks to a therapist, but mostly just to give himself a kick in the ass when he needs it. To make himself stop and think and get a move on.
Warren is no longer depressed. Warren is no longer confused, he knows who he is.
HE is HIMSELF.
And you are too, but only if you let yourself be.
You cant blossom if you don’t look at the sunshine. You cant transform if you don’t break out of your cocoon. You cant win a race if you don’t hit the gas. You cant lift that weight if you don’t break a sweat. You cant see the light by hiding in the shadows.
Be who you are.
I cant say it enough, I really cant.
You may be transgendered, but you’re also transformed.
In more ways than one, you have evolved. Or you’re yet to.
If you haven’t yet…don’t fear it. Don’t fight it.
Because it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world.
Walking into a changing room and being directed to the mens rooms when you once shrank away in the women’s room. Or being shown a pair of heels when someone once forced your sparkling piggies into boots or sneakers.
Trying on that skirt for the first time and realizing how wonderful it felt.
Putting on that baggy tshirt because damn it, that ****ing blouse drove you crazy!
Chosing those bangles and earring to match your outfit.
Taking off the jewelry and getting dirty.
It’s different for everyone, but I can promise that everyone has the same smile in the end.
A real smile.
A true smile.
One you’d been hiding, or perhaps you never knew you had.
No one else can do it for you.
This week has been interesting....that for sure...
Well work has improved in terms of being called Warren or Ren (I gave everyone the option to use whichever they prefer, and I have noticed that certain people prefer to use Warren whilest others prefer Ren, and one even likes to call me Renren). There are two in particular who refuse to call me anything aside from Kristy, but theyve gotten the cold shoulder from many who support me because they know it's only out of spite.
So, in terms of work, it has been great.
Still slightly challenging here and there, but much better. I dont mind coming into work anymore because I know that I can finally be myself.
Mike H, the man who took the first steps with the company to make sure I didnt have to hide who I am and got me my name tag, has also made a point to make sure anything with my name on it says Warren. He also makes a point to correct someone if they call me Kristy, and he's been great.
To show him how much of a big deal it is to me, even if others dont think it is, I got him a 10$ gift card to our local pub/grill so he can share an appitizer or drink with his wife on me
We've become good friends.
It's nice to have that boost of support.
You know, normally people overlook such a strong word. It's just a simple word, right? Support?
Well...if you're in the process of something life changing, emotionally tasking and physically exhausting...a little 'support' means the world and beyond.
To have someone who's got your back. To pick you up when you're down, and brush you off so they can tell you 'it's cool, buddy. We're in this together"
My boyfriend, Justin by the way, has been extra awesome. He's improved drastically in terms of understanding and patience, and he's always there to help me or give me advice. Even if he's not sure about the situation, he's always there to help me out.
I met a friend on my game IMVU online, and her name is Destinee. We've been friends for almost a year now, though neither of us expected to still be chitchatting after a week. Thats how most online friendships go. You're the best of friends for about a week or a month and then all of a sudden, you're looking at the username and thinking "who the hell is this person?"
But she's been incredible. She's helped me with the cutting and the depression and everything and anything I had on my mind.
We've adopted eachother as siblings. She is my sister, and I am her brother. She loves me for me, and I return the favor.
Plus her family thinks I'm adorable and promise snuggles when I eventually visit her in California.
It's nice to have that. Support.
Love, encouragement....and support.
Families are supposed to support eachother.
I've...never really had that. Even as a child. Growing up, I always felt like I had to fight for attention. I'm one of five siblings, though at the time there were only four of us. My baby brother came much later in life. But as it went, it was my older sister Manda, then me, then my brother Eric, and my baby sister Becky.
My relationship with my mom was always so/so. We didnt always get along, but we didnt hate eachother. My dad....was my hero. Everything about him, I loved.
But I was always second best. Manda was his first, his horse back riding girly girl. They enjoyed horseback riding, which I never really got to be a part of unless it was behind my sister...basking in her shadow. Then my brother, my dad's only son. They enjoyed hunting and playing rough. I never got to because it 'was boy time'. Something I desperatly wanted.
Then of course, my baby sister. His baby, his little girl. They played, they laughed, and they enjoyed running around and being adorable.
In between genders, not sure of myself...the boundaries I had been given seemed wrong and unfitting to myself. 'Girls dont do that' seemed incredibly wrong to me. I didnt feel like a girl. Did having girl parts make me a girl? Was that the only astounding feature that could condemn me to a life of dresses and bows in my hair? I didnt want that. How could I not be given the choice?
Any attempts to explain this to my mother was passed off as 'being a tomboy'.
When my father passed away suddenly, I gave up trying to leave my dresses behind.
I just wanted to make my mother happy.
Years passed, and the attention spans never changed. Manda came first a lot of times, despite what she may claim. First to leave the house, first to have her boyfriend, first to get a car and wreck it in the same year....four times in a row. All paid for by my mother.
Any vehicles I wanted I had to help pay half for, and she drove them more than I got to. Thanks...
I was too busy playing 'mr. mom' to have friends. We moved 12 times in 10 years, so I didnt get to make friends anyway. It was just me and my laptop, which they claimed I was on too much anyway.
What other life did I have? Behind a screen was the only time I could be...me.
The attention soon left us all and went to my baby brother Jordan, or one of my mom's 'awesome' boyfriends that she frequently changed about twice a month, if not more.
I gave up keeping count.
The point I'm trying to make here, is support.
I had none.
If I wanted to do something, it was up to me. If I wanted to try something new, it was my own problem. If I tried to explain to my family why my 'weird phase' was me trying to figure out who I was...I was just being an attention whore.
Keeping my "lesbian" activity secret was me just being an attention whore, despite that it was kept secret in fear of my family's opinions.
Me coming out that I were Bisexual was just me just "doing it for attention".
My cutting problem was me "begging for attention."
Finally telling them that I dont want to be a girl and would like to identify as a male......I'm "an attention whore".
Support is a strange and unused word with my family. I didnt always think so. At one point I were sure that they supported me and understood my struggles. That they were alright with it.
Until I found out they were snickering behind my back. Laughing about my troubles.
Refusing to cooperate or call me warren, or male, or even CONSIDER the possibility of allowing the small children of the family to call me Uncle Warren instead of Aunt Kristy.
I wrote them a note over facebook privately. I'd like to share their 'support'.
Me:Hey nevermind the 17th,(i was planning to visit them) I already know how it's gonna go and I don't need another repeat of the last time I was there. I miss my nieces and Becky and Jordan but my problems seem to be inconvenient to you guys and I don't need to get in another fight about it. I've got enough problems and it's pretty clear by now that you two aren't really willing to work with me on it, as if it isn't hard enough already. I figured you'd understand by now that this isn't a f***ing choice and at least try to understand, but it seems like my family are the only people who aren't willing to be supportive and understanding. If you need me you know where to find me. If you can't deal with having another brother then I'm sure you can deal with losing him too. Your choice, I'm not gonna keep ramming my head into a brick wall if you're not gonna listen or at least put your pride away and try and help me.
The responses I got, bits and pieces of a back and forth rant.
My older sister for both herself and my mother:
"Do what ever you want, this has nothing to do with my feeling on ur chose however It does everything to do with the facts and challenges of small kids, if you aren't willing to understand that your changes are confusing to them then I'm sorry but you can't be part of their life's until Ur changes are made and final. They are simply to young to understand and I won't allow them to be more confused about this"
"U are so self wrapped right now u don't even see the problem. Grow up, this isn't about u, my kids are my number 1 important and I'll protect them from being confusion this is starting. Has nothing to do with supporting you, drama queen"
So. No nieces. No family visits.
I'm no longer welcome home...
The only supporting family I have are those at work, Destinee, my boyfriend and everyone on here. My own blood has decided I’m too embarrassing and confusing for them to handle. I’m not allowed to come home.
And the cherry topper for this all? Remember the fight I had with my sister to begin with, and my mother decided not to support or defend me? She just sat there and watched it unfold. No offer of support or even to join the conversation.
She’s done it again. She never said a word. She let my sister run her mouth, shut me out of their lives…and she never said a word. That’s what kills me.
I never mattered in their lives before today, and now I matter even less to them.
The kicker is I cant even go and complain to my therapist about this. I ditched her.
She weren’t helping me. She weren’t helping me move forward. She knows nothing about transgendered problems, and for lack of better words, she were ‘useless’ to my situation. I were spending 45$ a visit, plus 10$ in gas to get there, to vent about my problems. I can do that for free at my house. I’m beginning to wonder what the point of all this is.
A story hit home yesterday, and I cant stop thinking about it.
So my insurance has told me flat out (cant remember if I told you guys but here's a recap) no. Unless my ID says female, they will not consider my application for surgery assistance. They can only process it as male, which would go under cosmetic which they dont cover
SO, I called the DMV for my state and talked to them. I asked them "I have already changed my ID to my identifying gender. Can I change it back temporarily and then put it back to my current gender later?" Odd question, naturally. So after I talked to the woman about it and explained my situation, she understood but then asked "Wait..your gender is already changed? Without your bottom surgery?" I said yes.
"The law for our state dictates that you cannot change your gender without bottom surgery....Did you falsify paperwork??"
Um. WHAT?! NO!
We hashed it out and I had to talk to an officer AND their supervisor and we sorted out the issue. Apparently when I got my gender marker changed, it was in a matter of HOURS before the law was effective and therefor my ID IS legal and I avoid a 5k$ state fine for False Identification and Falsifying State Paperwork and information. Scary!!!!
But we talked about it and she basically said that my ID is on the edge of a cliff. I'm safe if I leave it alone, but if I switch it now--I wont be able to switch it back afterwards without bottom surgery. WHAT!? So now my ID is stuck the way it is, so I cannot change it for insurance. On top of that though, she did advise that I go and find a lawyer and talk to them about my Transgender Protection rights for our state with State Insurance as it is usually policy not to deny Transgender Surgeries because it being "cosmetic."
I almost got fined 5k$ but I wont be fined because I got there before closing. My ID is fine and I do not have to change it. I cannot change it without it being a problem (also that puts my Doc at risk for false info if I ask her to sign off on it a second time). Get a lawyer (I dont have the funds for that...) and keep saving up money on my gofundme account.
So basically...I got no where.
And the 20 tries to call my homestate in regards to STILL not having a revised Birth Certificate ended up with a busy signal every time.
So they're dragging their rears, same as always. Dude, it's been over a year already! LETS GO, TURKEYS!
As a side note, I have 483$ saved up for my surgery. Then I realized that I need 500$ just for a day reservation fee, so none of that money actually goes into the 9k$ needed for the surgery itself. Oi vey....
I'm so tired of running in circles....x.x
This long path is turning into a quest of unbelievable extent.
So, my mother doesnt call me, and that is completely fine with me! I do not have contact with my older sister either. And when my younger sibling (Changed their name to Kai apparently which is fine with me. Theyre pretty sure theyre FTM as well but I'm respectful at the fact that they've decided not to make perminate choices on the matter until they are POSITIVE theyre transgender. I GREATLY respect them for that!!) has asked me if they can come down to hang out again at some point. I told them that I have no problem with that, but when I come to pick them up, I'll meet them at the end of the driveway. I want nothing to do with my mother. And I've decided that if my mother refuses to call me Warren OR Ren, I'll no longer call her Mom. I'll call her Alene, either she likes it or not.
So today, there was a post on a friend's page about Trump. I was not aware she was friends with my older sister....until this happened.
Me, feeling bad it was on my friends' post, Messaged her apologizing for what was said on her post. To my relief, she responded with "Its OK Amanda is the 1 to b apologizing. Well don't sweat it I'm home n can get to my computer she's about to get hers." Which was kinda nice I think.
She removed the Post, then Posted this:
I got busy doing something here at home and completely forgot to post a blog >.<
Forgive me! You know I love you all and would never forget you! Just the blog......
So it was a while ago, and I dont remember if I showed you all, but here goes nothing.
I finally got my letter
Now, I'm still working on getting a simular letter form my ex-therapist, Joan. Along with a copy of my file. But she's been increasingly stubborn on the subject and they still have not sent one, even after me paying to print out a release form, sign it, and drive it over to them. BUT, on another hand, I have something for the Gender Therapist and Surgeons. Next time they want to throw the "you have to go on hormones" thing in my face, I'll have back up.
"Do I need to be on testosterone in order to have top surgery?"
"Top surgery does NOT require Hormones. Many of the patients over the years have not been on hormones and never plan on taking hormones. A male contour can still be achieved"
So, HA! TAKE THAT YOU BULLSHITTER!!
Cant pull the wool over MY eyes!
Oh yeah, and here's weezie lol shes feeling much better!
I know, I know, it's been forever. I've been super busy here lately and havent gotten a ton of down time to do a blog post, I'm really sorry! Plus my darned computer keyboard is dying so typing for a long while gets very frustrating since about 5 keys dont work unless I beat the crap out of them lol
Not too much to update on really. I'm boring like that I've bitten the bullet and decided to finally go see a Chiropractor again and see if they could help out on my back pain. I've seen one before and it didnt help much so I'll admit, I was very very hesitant. Especially since the first appointment costs me a pretty penny of 85$. Plus I dont like people touching me.....
Anyway, my boyfriend recommended me to a guy he went to see by the name of Dr.Bezon. I was really hesitant but went anyway, and when we went through the medical papers and whatnot I DID explain to him that although the paper legally says male, I'm biologically female so I do deal with feminine problems such as lower back pain in menstration, heavy chest from breasts and etc. He understood and didnt question any of it but wrote it down in my file for later reference. I've noticed that instead of using pronouns, he tends to just use the name. For instance, instead of saying "He/she has an appointment" he just uses "Warren has an appointment." Which is kind of nice really. Especially if you're not sure on the person's pronouns!
So I went and I'll admit, my first appointment was rather painful and sore and I was not completely bought yet. I was impressed that he did call and check up on me after my first appointment to make sure that I was doing alright, which he apparently does to all his new patients. Very thoughtful! I've gone back a few times since that first appointment and I've noticed that the more I've been going, the less pain I'm in. It's so nice! I went in today after my 11hr shift (85% if it being seated in a vehicle) with severe pain between my shoulders. This is a common area for my pain and its usually between 7-10 on the 1-10 pain scale. I was extremely sore and hurting and slouching when I went in and he took his time to work out whatever I had going on back here. He was soooo fantastic. Normally its just some popping of my spine and neck and I'm right as rain, but today he actually did something that felt SOOOOOOOOO amazing. It hurt for a moment but he squeezed at my shoulders individually, pulling and pushing on them to "take the weight off your clavical and try and pull your collarbone away from your rotator cuff a little".
I've cracked my collar bone in the past so it wouldnt surprise me at all if it's pushed against a few things in there. But he stretched out my shoulders and omg.....it felt SO good! I lost feeling in my hands momentarily and he explained that it was because he was cutting off bloodflow momentarily so he could pull the muscles back into their original places or something like that. It felt so great....The cracking between my shoulders when I breathe has lessened a bit which is nice, and my nightly headaches have decreased drastically! I was having headaches every single night for weeks, now it's once in a while when I havent had any caffine yet. Apparently the muscle I had tension in thats on the right side of my neck (from looking left all the time while driving on patrol) was putting tension around my scalp and causing the headaches and some of my shoulder pain.
Also (several years ago, when I was 8 years old) I was rock climbing and fell 15 feet when I grabbed a snake instead of a rock. He thinks that the fall and the way I landed reversed part of my spinal curve which would cause a lot of my back pain. He's working on reversing that which isnt easy considering all the years and years that it's been messed up. But I'm very confident that he is being a massive help! I'll continue to go as often as I can, especially since my insurance covers it 100% which is EPIC!!
On another note, I reapply for my surgery this week. I was supposed to apply tomorrow (wednesday) but I realized that the appointment for my lab work (TSH test for my thyroid. Very routine.) was too close to my actual doctors appointment and it wouldnt give it enough time to process before seeing my doctor; so we moved it to testing tomorrow, appointment on Thursday. Which works for me, really lol So there's that, and hopefully (please please please PLEASE......) I'll get a quick (and good!!!) response on my surgery.
Also, for the FIRST TIME EVERRRRRRRRR, I voted today lol NH primaries were today and I decided it was time to contribute. I'm really really REALLY hoping the person I voted for will reach the white house....All the other candidates spell really bad bad vibes for the Transgender community....
Anyway, not much else going on. I have become rather good friends with all my alts now. To my knowledge, there are 6 of us. (One popped up randomly recently but I kind of like him lol he's funny He's like a caffine-filled chipmunk with ADHD lol)
Milo (sliding scale age, but normally around 8 years), Mathias (age 16), Abriella (age 23), Alexandru (age 23) and Benji (age 18).
It's so SOOOO weird to refer to myself as they/them/we sometimes. I'm still getting used to the idea of having Multiple Personalities but at times...I'm thankful for it. It makes me more open minded and I'll be honest, its nice to sometimes not have to deal with work and just tune everything out and 'sleep' while Alex takes over....Call me lazy but it's kind of nice.
Anyway, that's enough out of the insane nut in the peanut gallery.
A HUGE HUGE HUGE THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!, to Emma for her amazing gift towards my surgery. It was a huge spirit lifter and made me feel insanely good You're amazing! Unfortunatly Gofundme made me withdraw the funds from the account due to inactivity or something. But I'm going to get an unopenable money bank to put in my room and the whole check is going in it to keep saving up! I sadly had to spend a lot of my home-earned funds for bills school vacation really cut back on my hours for a long month so I lost a lot of hours and $ on my paycheck, so I had to use some of my earned funds on rent and registering my vehicle (ITS INSANE HOW MUCH THEY CHARGE YOU FOR THAT!!!).
All in due time I'd love to send out thank-you cards to everyone who has contributed to my surgery funds so please (if you're okay with it!) let me know your addresses? It's the least I can do!!! (If you're not comfy with it, that's totally cool too, just know how much I greatly appreciate you!!)
Updated pic Seriously loving my tattoo and rare manliness....
Hey Ladies and Gents and Robotics of the future who are posing as the usual nerds who actually know the key to the universe but are keeping it secret to watch us make fools of ourselves.
You know, because they're absolute asses.
And face it, we can be rather amusing to watch trip over our own feet sometimes.
Come on people, admit it. You laugh when others run into glass doors.
ANYWAY, enough about the stupidity of the human race (which would be solved by removing warning labels, by the way. The universe would sort itself out eventually, to be honest. Removes the morons from the people who actually gained common sense at birth.
You know, because that’s what normal people have. Common sense…
Though sadly I have a feeling that the general population of today’s youth would perish. Sad, but nessesary.
But, once again, I’ve trailed off my train of thought because as some of you know, the rails to my train of thought are as twisted and mangled up as old spegetti you found in your fridge from last Sunday’s dinner.
SO, back on topic.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Life.
Well, life still sorta sucks a little bit. But, what else is new, right?
I went to the doctors office for my usual “lets see if you’re still functioning” visit, and I’ll admit, it could have gone better.
I unfortunately have fallen back into a full swing of my “self harm” issues, and I dare say they’re a little more consistant and addictive as the last phases of it.
So I admitted to my doctor about whats going on, and yes, I had had a few thoughts that I’m not so proud of.
I felt it only beneficial to let her know what were going on through an honest standpoint, and that my antidepressants were as effective to me as water is to a heart attack.
Naturally, she were concerned, and we discussed weening me off from my Lexapro and onto another medication, Zoloft. We’ll see how that goes, but my hopes are….well, hopeful.
Another topic we discussed is my back pain.
She had been aware of it for some time, and had previously suggested pain killers such as ibuprofen or Tylenol, which I advised her that was unhelpful, and she was nice enough to not question it.
She asked me where it hurt (which is right between my shoulders most days) and as I moved my arm up to point to the area, low and behold, my shoulder popped. Not uncommon for me, it’s been an issue since I were a very young teen.
Alarmed, she investigated, and her theory is that the weight that my bra straps had put on my shoulders as a young adult has damaged the way my shoulders matured, which makes them pop a lot. Possible, and completely believable.
When I broke down into tears about not being able to afford my top surgery and how bad my back was killing me, she decided that she would do even further investigating and be more aggressive with trying to find a way to turn my top surgery into a medical nessesity.
Thank Frogging Gerd. (I was asked by a catholic coworker to try and avoid saying the f-bomb or ‘God’, and I’m up for a challenge. Does that One time of saying God count? Crap, is that two? Damn it.)
So in one aspect, I MIGHT be closer to top surgery. No promises, and I’m not fool enough to think that my problems are solved, but I’m not hopeless enough to assume it wont work.
I have previous damage to my spine for falling off a cliff, damage to my ribs and previous damage to my shoulders from them popping out of place from lack of cartilage. Getting rid of some of my top-heavy problems will be beneficial not just to my mental state, but certainly from a medical standpoint to my health.
I don’t want to be eighty years old and unable to stand upright because of years of back problems.
On another note, I received a package today.
EmmaSweet, this shoutout is for you, babydoll
Love, Love, LOVE the book you sent me!
Wonderful pictures, wonderful stories, very inspiring!!
For those who are curious, it was the book called “Transfigurations” by Jana Marcus, and it is phenomenal!
Thank you a million times over
Well, I think that just about wraps up this session of rambling and bologna. Impressed that I spelled that right? Yeah, me too.
LATER LADIES AND GENTS,
And a special wink to the nerds. Just cuz’ we fam, yo!
Warren AKA “RenRen”
Anyone going through the journey of one gender to another KNOWS that every day changes.
For me, I have three stages I could hit. One day, I tollerate it. TOLLERATE it. It's on my mind all day, but I do my best to just do what I'm doing and ignore what's going on.
Then I have my heartbreak days. Days when every instant that I remember what I'm going through and how I'm physically stuck, makes me want to curl up in a bathroom stall and cry till I cant breathe anymore. It physically HURTS to know that I'm stuck as everyone sees me.
Then there's my angry days. Days when every second, every reminder, every person talking to absolutely PISSES me off! Nothing is safe from my fury. I have bruised my chest and face on these days, when I am so angry that I escape all rational thought and just want them Gone. Want ALL of it...just...gone.
These days hit at random, and I cannot tell you "It'll be okay" because at the times they hit, it sure as hell doesnt feel like its going to be okay. Either you want to disappear, cry til you die, or simply strangle the hell out of every person you see.
Someone once told me that because I'm a transman, that's why I get so angry all the time. Imaginary Testosterone in me 0.o But I think they were just trying to make me feel better. Doesnt really seem possible, I dont think.
This morning as I was doing my daily exercise routine, it hit me like a brick. Just a sudden wave of hopeless depression. Lifting weights, doing situps, doing pushups...what am I doing all this for? To shrink my bust size? Doesnt seem to do much...To strengthen my arms and bulk them up to look more masculine? Maybe, but it seems failed.
I ache all day in my shoulders and back from exercising before work, and for what?
I was finishing up my pushups when I couldnt do any more, and just laid there on the floor holding my head, trying not to emotionally lose it.
Why does transitioning have to be so hard? Why cant we just wake up, say "I'm done with you gender, I'm being me now, damit!" and just POOF into what we truely are?
Why do we have to jump through so many damn hoops, try to endure the agony of judgement, and hide in the shadows until society deems us worthy to spread our wings?
It's not fair. When I was younger, I used to CONSTANTLY ask myself "What did I do in a past life that was so agonizingly horrible, that I would be reborn in the WRONG BODY!? What did I do to deserve this?!"
Waking up and getting angry at your reflection. Wanting to do things, only to have your family or friends say "______s dont do that. You're a _____, you're not supposed to do that."
SAYS WHO!? Is there an unwritten book of law about gender roles?! Who ever wrote the book to say girls cant shoot guns, drive fast cars, or dress like men? Who wrote the book to say that men cant wear a dress, look pretty in makeup, play with dolls or get excited about the latest heels?
I want to know who wrote that book. And I want to shove their face into a bowl of lemon juice and strap it there! How could the world be so unfair....
Yet....we endure...dont we?
We shine the brightest we can shine. We raise our chins high and walk where we need to go, regardless of the pointed fingers and staring eyes. We put on our boots or heels, do our hair, and endure the judgement of the world.
We mask the pain, put on our stone cold masks of smiles and grins, while deep inside we're melting away like hot wax. The things we endure...just to be ourselves.
So I got up off that floor, brushed myself off, and took a breath. I put in my headphones, and turned to my favorite song. Growling to myself, I straightened my shoulders, and I punched that floor. I punched it so hard, my knuckle cracked and my fingers swelled. I got back on my knees and fists, and I kept going with the pushups. I kept sweating on that floor, I kept giving my ipod a deathstare below me. Why? Because I have to.
We have to.
We have to be stronger than those staring eyes. We have to be more persistent than those pointed fingers. We have to be braver than the words they speak. We have to be proud. We have to be..us.
What else could we possibly do aside from hide in the shadows?
That will get us nothing but darkness and snickering smirks from the world around us.
I'm done playing pretend.
I'm done playing dressup.
You dont like who I am, you'll just have to find something else to jeer at. Because I dont care anymore.
Kristy is down the drain. I shoved her down that pipe and I turned on the food grinder.
Warren is taking her place, and cutting her hair away. Her waist long hair doesnt exist. Her pretty little red sneakers are in the trash. Her flowing blouses are Warren's rags to wipe his hands on while working on his jeep. Because damnit he likes working on his car, and no one can tell him no anymore.
Song is Silhouettes by Avicii...You should REALLY REALLY look up the music video.
That and Ruby Rose's video for Break Free
Plus basically ANYTHING from Adam Lambert is amazing
Well first off, I'd like to start out with 'WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO THE GUIDE?!"
Although some change is good, I've found it a little difficult to navigate the site and find my things and whatnot.....not 100% I'm a fan of this new set up....I'm not even sure if I'm blogging in my usual place or if this is just going to float around randomly...
Anyway, back to the blog.
So it has been made very obvious to me that I have anger issues, according to.....well, I dont know. The world? My anger problems has basically ruined my job which I had to quit for more reasons than one but, yes, it basically came down to my attitude problem.
But as the few weeks have passed I've come to realize that I am a very bipolar, angry person sometimes. Mostly during the evening.
During the day, right after taking my usual poison (all the damn meds my doc shoves at me) I'm alright. I'm usually in a tollerable mood, for the most part. But in the afternoons....I loose it. The littlest things p*** me right the f*** off. Misspelling things. Dropping things. Banging my elbow on something, not getting comfortable--ANYTHING sets me off into a rage and I just dont feel like I can deal with it. But the last thing I want is to complain to my doc and have her tell me to take even more meds. I'm so f***ing done with taking that crap. I'm sick of it.
I have to take muscle relaxant meds for my back at night now because I cant sleep, and I told her that I now have to sleep in an upright position else I cant breathe because of these stupid (what I wanted to say was more like ****ing ***hole ****ing pieces of horse **** that I cannot ****ing stand, but let's keep it civil) but I've basically been told that theres nothing anyone can do about it unless I opt for breast reduction.
News Flash: I do NOT want to go through a surgery that I do NOT WANT, only to have to deal with the depression of STILL HAVING THEM, and THEN deal with maybe going into surgery for a SECOND TIME and pay a SECOND BILL to finally finish what I wanted done in the first place.
I seriously, seriously ****ing refuse to do it! If they're not willing to take care of the problem 100% then its not worth fighting with. I'm just....I'm so...so...so done....
I havent cut in about two....maybe three weeks. My bicep looks flawless, tanned, healed....like it never happened. That's the strange thing about my "habit"...it almost never scars. So when its over and done with and I'm alright again, it's like nothing ever happened. I have no proof of my mental turmoil. No concrete evidence of my torment and depression. Not that it should matter, having the scars. But it's almost frustrating. After all the pain and anger and tears that went into it all...and nothing shows from it.
My dysphoria has gotten worse.
The constant nagging of having 44DD breasts bound tightly in nearly three shirts, suffocating, sweating like a farm animal; yet mentally I'm always stressing that they can still be seen. That the people around me can still see through my agonizing cover-up, and inside they're laughing at me. Judging me. Mocking my existance.
What God would be so cruel as to force this onto a person? What had I done wrong to anyone to deserve such mental anguish? The embarrassment, the depression, and annoyance and anger........Yes, I have anger issues. Yes, I have anxiety problems. And yes, I have an attitude problem at times. But now I have to ask....Do you really, truely, seriously f***ing blame me?
My mother mocks me behind my back, telling others lies and embarrassing rumors about my "attention seeking lifestyle". That I'm only transgendered for the attention. That I paid the 130$ to change my name, for attention. That I went through the bulls*** to get a new Social Security card....for attention. That I'm an embarrassment to her. To the family.
My older sister keeps me from the nieces I've put so much on the line to protect and keep happy. My boyfriends family refuses to give in even a little bit to my new name or pronouns, and on top of all the crap I have to deal with from people who are my "family"...I then have to deal with my own problems.
The constant desire to hide in the bathroom away from the world. The napping all day simply because if I'm awake, I have to wear my binders and be around people. The literal consideration of serious mutilation in order for the hospitals to HAVE to remove that which I despise. I didnt used to be this bad. I didnt used to think, act, feel, or behave like this.
I was getting better....I hadnt dont any self harm. But now....I dont feel like I can keep that back. Hell, I shoved something down the front of my jeans today only because that emptiness made me feel sick. I've never had to go that far...I was comfortable with my lower half. I didnt like it, but I was comfortable with it. Now it's like I cannot handle any of it.
And now that I have no insurance, no job, no life basically.....the hell else am I supposed to do?
The gofundme has been a bust, and understandably. Everyone's broke, no one sees it as something nessesary or worthy, plus with all the stuff going on around the world like the shoots and Nepal and the earthquakes; my request seems childish and downright stupid. Selfish.
I keep having thoughts, a voice I guess you could say. The phrases and sentences muttered in my voice, my tone, but not things I would normally grumble. Theyre depressing and only infuriate me even more. I'm not sure what to do anymore, except simply go back to bed.
Good news is that this time last year, I weighted 236pnds. Today I weighed in at 204pnds. Guess that's good. Maybe, I dont know. Now I have lose, disgusting, annoying skin.
Off to another pointless nap.
Anyone miss me? Yeah, me either. You havent missed much but I figured I'd post an entry just so people dont think I died or something. Not sure if I'm even relevant anymore but, yeah.
So here's an update.
No surgery. No responses from insurance, no responses from GLAAD or any of the LGBTQ+ Advocates for NH nor anyone else I wrote to. No one seems to give a flip and that doesnt really surprise me...
I'm still dealing with the MPD stuff, all eight of the obnoxious whiners -,_,- My life in a nutshell.
I still dont have the money saved up. I barely have 600$ saved up and my hours got cut for the summer season. I work the bar and get tips but guess how much I got in tips tonight after 8 hours in a hot bar? .....$0.50...
Last week? $1.00
My surgery is going no where and my thyroid problem has gotten more annoying. Normally people are on 50mg, I'm on 260mg and it hasnt helped at all and my levels havent balanced out. I dont get it...
I'm back on my Youtube channel though I feel like no one watches it anyway.
Anyhow, here's links to the Youtube and the facebook group page. If you feel like it, go stare at my randomness and maybe poke a few buttons.
Button poking is fun.
Met a fellow LGBTQ+ person when I went to an Orlando Vigil in NH (vid on my channel), and he was awesome and helped me feel better about myself.
So, I need a little advice. But first I want to apologize if I annoy you guys or have fallen away from my "help others" phase and just been stuck in my "fml" stage. I dont mean to
Anyway, this is about my boyfriends mother. We live with her and her family, none of which really support me or go along with my name change or anything because its my way of "attention seeking" apparently. But her constantly calling me Kristy and lately, lady, miss, girl, chick, all of which you can tell she is doing simply to upset me, is really starting to upset me. It's getting worse, and it totally messes with my dysphoria and depression and self harm. Which, apparently, is also for attention. According to her. She's even gone as far as to tell my neighbor while talking to her to NOT call me Warren because it is NOT my name and not to "feed into her need for drama".
I guess my question is....this has gone on for about 6 months? Should I just put my foot down and damn the consequences and flat out tell her MY NAME IS NOT KRISTY and tell her I'll ignore what she says unless she calls me ren or warren? Or should I just ignore it...? If she wants to throw me out, I wont be homeless. My neighbor already told me her house is there if it ever came down to it, and I'll always have a place to stay. But I'm just so......SO F***ING sick of being dragged back into my feminine name and past by her.
Tonight I went out and heard a bunch of dishes slamming around, so i went and asked whats up and she said "apparently no one can f***ing do anything except me". I'm like ....what? she snapped "no one's let the f***ing dogs out since i left for work" and i told her i let them out when i got up, and she ignored me. Then she went on to say nothing else got done and i told her 'well...i did the dishwasher..." and she gave me an attitude like "that's it?" More than her precious Princess daughter does.
I'm just severely frustrated and dont know what to do about this....I dont want to make the wrong move...
On another hand, tomorrow I have an interview for a Security Personnel position I REALLY REALLY want so wish me luck.
I'm not really sure if this is allowed or if I will be in trouble for this later, but I wanted to try. I havent many others to talk to right now, and I'm about to do a bit in my/our journal as well to let him know that this is being done. I know this may seem very strange to some of you, or all of you, but I feel as if I will go insane if I do not make my presence known to at least those within this site. Facebook is not a good place for me I believe. At least, most parts of Facebook. And I am not comfortable making my presence known to many within that site due to fear of rejection or possibly disbelief in my existence. I am not sure why this particular site seems more comfortable, but it is at the present time and I'm sure if needed....This blog post may be deleted at a later date if it is so desired.
I believe that Ren has expressed his knowledge of myself although I do think that he has perhaps kept himself in denial to it, in fear of seeming a "freak". I assure him that this situation does not render him as such but of course, in this generation, appearance and mentality seems to be the root of reputation. I suppose this is a sort of experiment to see how my "coming out" will render in his life or if I should simply remain his ghost.
But I wanted to introduce myself regardless, on the off chance that I happen to assist in his writing and the manner of speaking seeming rather odd for his personality. To at least clear up a little confusion as to his "style" of writing if and when it is occasionally altered. As he has become more and more aware of my existence, he has surprisingly been more willing to allow me participation in daily activities. So I expect to, hopefully, become more acquainted with this "family" within Transgender Guide.
My name is Alexandru Dorian Vlk. I am twenty three years of age, male by all available descriptive purposes considering our outter shell, and yes; I am perfectly in agreeance to the status of being transgender. Although I do not personally identify as transgender myself as it is rightfully Warren's shell and not my own. I am merely a tenant. I am open to conversation and available to answer any questions, and I accept the pronouns of masculinity and the shortnames of all Alex, A, and A.V. Please do not believe me a figment of created imagination, as I do fully assure you otherwise,though your beliefs are of your own and I am not one to try and sway you from them. I am simply, as I previously stated, making myself known. I do greatly hope that this will not cause any unintended chaos or disruption, as it is not something in my wishes.
If I am to contribute to this blog, if it is so allowed by Ren, then I will initial or sign with my own name at the beginning of paragraphs so that you may dissociate my thoughts and the such from Warren's. This is a bit new to myself as I am not normally allowed to front, but it is something that I intend to practice, if only in private if it is so desired. I want to brush up on my typing and writing skills, and perfect' my shorthand in due time.
Matka vám žehnaj ,
Ah, it's me again, you're good ol' pal Warren I apologize for not having blogged lately, but I had no inspiration to want to nor the time and ambition. I miss blogging, to be honest. But I didnt feel like I had anything to talk about.
Tonight I figured I'd share what I'd been up to.
Well, first of all, my court date for my name change is this Monday the 16th. YAY! So excited
I bought myself a nice shirt, pants, and A TIE!!! I've never worn one but I'm super excited! I'll post a picture of myself in my court gear on Monday or Tuesday, and let you know how the name change thing went. Hopefully good, wish me luck!
On a side note, I've decided to go to higher HIGHER management about some problems at work.
Even coworkers have told me that it isnt just my managers being d***s, but theyve turned it into discrimination against me for being transgendered. NONE of this started until I came out.
I took the liberty of writting down what's been going on, so I can explain it to the company H.R.
Here's what I got so far:
[[[[[[[started only two days after announcing a name change and being transgendered.
1 week later, I were accused of "consistantly disappearing" during my shift, which I never did. I simply were not at my station as I were getting things ready for the next day. I were refused the opportunity to speak during the meeting with T___ and Chef H___ while they confronted me about it.
While in the office looking for a paper, T__ came to me aggressively and said "I dont like your attitude. You have a serious attitude problem and it's really starting to wear on me and I'm sick of it. Any time you get an answer you dont like, you cope an attitude."
Both T__ and H__ refuse to call me by my chosen name of Warren, and make a point to tell me that they do not have to unless it is legalized, which I am in the process of doing, and they are aware of that fact.
T__ goes around the kitchen saying that I'm being a b**** or that I'm alway a b****, even though I had not even spoken or seen him yet, as I had not even clocked in for my shift yet.
He consistantly tells everyone that I have a serious attitude problem.
I were told personally by H__ that I need to tell T__, not my shift supervisor, when I go on break. Or it will be like "consistantly disappearing, and we wouldnt want to have to talk to you about that again"
T__ came to me towards cleaning time and got very close to me in an aggressive manner and shouted "I'm so sick of this bull**** with you! Everyone can do their f***ing jobs except for you, and I'm tired of it! Take the f***ing soup and take care of it instead of leaving it for others to do!"
I might note, by the way, that it were normal routine for me to take the soups to the other chefs to dispose of, as was what I were taught and such had not changed with my knowledge.
My boyfriend were confronted by H__ and told "you can only say a quick goodbye to Kristy then leave, because you're taking up too much of her time and she needs to be working, not socializing"
I got lectured for having my hat on backwards, whilest two other people did the same and did not get talked to about it. T___ made a point to follow me around the facility and wait until we were alone in a storage room before telling me I needed to fix my hat.
T___ followed behind me on the front line while carrying hot foods, and repeativly said "hurry up, hurry up, lets go go go go go" while clapping his hands directly behind me.
I feel like I'm being ganged up on, and it's turning into discrimination and just plain obnoxious.
I have told my general manager about it who insisted he would talk to T___, and I'm not sure if he has or not, but nothing has improved.
Nothing else has happened in the past few days, but it's only a matter of time.]]]]]]
Honestly, I'm beyond sick of it. Not only that, but my older sister has officially decided that I am a bad influence for her children and too confusing for them, and has denied me any visitation with them, including cards and phonecalls.
My mother, insisting that she's supportive when she indeed is not, does nothing to defend me on the situation and simply tells me "its her choice. You're making your choices, she is making hers"
I'm sorry, but what choices am I making? I was not aware this condition were voluntary. I suppose being straight is a choice as well? She didnt like that question.
The good news, is all my friends are supportive 100%. My grandfather is supportive, my coworkers (for the most part lol) and others that I know. My cousin Jacky is SUPER supportive!! My boyfriend and I have come to an agreement, and we both sat down to discuss my transition and things that he's not comfortable with.
We agreed that bottom surgery is probably never going to happen, which is fine. He asked that I reconsider hormones, and I told him that after my top surgery, we will discuss it further.
He didnt say anything about it, but I've decided to keep shaving my legs too He's doing a lot to accept who I am, I'm not gonna make him snuggle up to a fuzzy legged gorilla! XD
All in all, same s*** different day.
That's my usual motto at work. How you doing? Oh you know, same s***, different day. At least its warming up outside!
Heatwave of a whole whopping 48F today, yay! Now.....mudseason....ugh.
Your frustrated but excited and relieved friend,
Hey guys...I know, right? Been a long time...I havent felt like blogging lately. I even skipped out on my youtube videos because I felt like...I dont know. Like they're not going anywhere. Not doing any good I guess? I'm at a loss
I'm back into that feeling like....nothing I do, does any good. All my waiting for surgery and help is wasted. All my optimism and hoping is falsified.
I'm really....really at a loss you guys.
I broke my cut-free streak again. I couldnt help it...I've tried so long and so hard to stay away from the blades but it just...got to me. Again. Dont get me wrong, I love my new job! I do, I really really do! But being misgendered all the time...it hurts. Probably more than it should, but it hurts regardless. I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. That I'm just sitting here wasting away. I dont enjoy doing anything anymore. My intentions with youtube and blogging was to help others thrive and 'be okay' but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I cant do it myself? When every attempt I make seems to just....disappoint? Not even disappoint other people but disappoint myself.
I've started to avoid the FTM top-surgery group I'm in. It's just so....sooooooo so so SOOOO depressing to see all these people posting their post-op photos and how happy and proud they are...and I'm stuck where I am. I'm sitting here suffering, mentally and physically, in my female body. I can deal with not having bottom surgery. F***, I'd be okay if my bust size was like.....a B. Or even a C, maybe. Because I'd be able to hide them better. But this? A 44DDD? It's unbarable!
The binding has started to really really take it's toll...
And nothing I do seems to help. It makes me want to cry every time I squeeze into it again because it hurts. It hurts so bad and it limits my breathing so much, and my back feels like it's about to collapse every time I remove it because it's compressed the muscles and whatnot for so long during the day. Not even to mention the heat and sweating and unbarable dehydration I keep fighting because of wearing it! I just....I cant take it! It's driving me crazy...
I have my consultation on the 1st of September. I'm so close but so very far...I've already told my boyfriend.
"Justin...if they tell me no, and insurance wont touch it...you'll need to keep an eye on me. Because I cant promise that I'll take it well."
And its the truth...I know I wont. I can promise that I wont. This is so amazingly frustrating and painful and mentally disabling that if they tell me no...if they say we wont pay for it, you cant have it done, you'll have to deal with it and keep binding...I dont know how much longer I will last.
This has literally become a do or die situation. I just...I cant...
I dont know what to do...
How's it goin' people? I figured I'd update all you guys on what's been going on lately. So I had my appointment with Dr. Feins in Manchester NH for a surgery consultation for my top surgery. I felt like my head was gonna explode with having to wait for it to get here, then that morning I was dreading it the whole 2 hour ride. I did NOT want to take my shirt off and have him take pictures of my chest. Believe me, it was torment to wait and drive closer and closer, yet I didnt dare go home and chicken out.
Thankfully this was just an update for last year's consultation so when I got there, he said he'd just use last years pictures since nothing's changed and he already knew about the 'underboob' rashes from the heat and trapped sweat from my balloons of hell.
Which was extremely relieving lol I was prepared to strip down to my jeans and have them take pictures and then hate myself the rest of the day, so when he said 'you're fine, I'll just use our last photos', I wanted to give him a hug lol
He seemed a lot more confident in my new insurance and said that they normally dont have any problems getting approved for surgeries with them. (Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield). I really really wanna say 'okay, no worries, it'll be fine' but a HUGE part of me is seriously doubting all of it. I'm always afraid that I'm going to get denied and told no, and it's probably because I'd been denied so many times. I want to be optimistic but I really do not want to get my hopes up either.
Anyway, we had the whole thing done in no time (Justin was with me this time and he likes Dr.Feins, he thinks he's cool) and we sat down in the next office to do insurance prep papers (which I didnt have to do last time). I'm really really hoping that this is going to work, but I dont dare test my luck on this either. Ugh, I hate this! Now I have to wait god-knows how many weeks for the to decide and let me know if I'm due for pathetic pouting or excited bawling.
And anyone who knows me knows that I do not do patience very well.
Btw: Treadmill walking seems to be helpin out a little XD
It's always fun updating lol
Also I want to add in that today is the anniversary 125th of Wounded Knee in North Dakota
So not much has happened aside from this was probably the best, most uneventfully drama-lacking christmas I've ever had. Best. Christmas. Ever.
So my visit with my family went better than expected. Some (if not all) my xmas presents from my mom and siblings were to Ren, not Kristy, which was awesome. My older sister took me upstairs and said "the girls are going to call you a little of both. I told them they can call you whatever they want, Ren or Kristy, Aunt or not. I'm leaving it up to them so dont get mad if they mess up because I'm not taking a side on the name until you're "officially" done." (officially meaning when I somehow dig up 9k$ for my surgery >...>
I told her that I dont care what the kids call me because yes, theyre children, and it'll take time. The only person that annoys the crap out of me with "kristy" calling is HER, not the kids. Naturally she ignored the whole comment entirely and misnamed me all night, but I chose to ignore her since everyone else was being awesome about it. Which is insanely rare.
Christmas with justins family was hosted at his brother Adam's house, which was great because both Adam and his fiance Tressa both chose to call me Ren as requested, and eventually the other people at the house also did it so as not to piss Tressa off (She is NOT the person you want to piss off lol). So it was nice
It all went great and things have been super uneventful for the most part lol Gifts were great (though not necessary lol) and Alex has been busy with an adult coloring book we got of Mandalas. Also let him buy in-game money for his IMVU account lol And although I had a HUGE falling out with our mutual friend Destinee, I am totally find with him talking to her on a daily basis. I actually prefer it because although we dont seem to get along and for some reason I cant handle talking to ANYONE.....(Literally, anyone. I have zero friends that I text or talk to because talking to anyone seems to instantly annoy me no matter what the conversation is) I like the idea of him talking to her and keeping her company. I still care about her, I just cant handle talking to people anymore. Not sure why. I think it's better I just not talk to her and avoid hurting her entirely. At least she has Alex now...they seem to be good friends. Sometimes I wonder if she was originally Alex's friend to begin with, not mine...I care about her, a lot. And I want her safe and happy more than anything. I just dont feel like my imbalanced attitude and spats of random asshole-ness was a benefit to her at all. I dont like making her feel like I hate her. I dont hate her.
Anyway, recent drama is my younger sibling Kai I wont go into detail but I'm looking into maybe having the State of VT release Kai to me as his legal guardian due to abuse. I'll need to look more into it...Wish me luck. Hope everyone had a good christmas and has a happy new year.
I'm honestly not sure why I'm even blogging. I hardly see a point in whining about my ___ anymore. It doesnt really get me anywhere and I just end up looking like a whiner.
I've fought with insurance. I've tried jumping through loopholes and even my doctor stood up to try and talk to them. But the answer is no, no matter what I try. My gender says Male on it, so my surgery is no longer a breast reduction. It's transgender surgery. But no, you have to use a code for gynocomastia for my claims because I'm male legally. But I dont have gynocomastia? Oh but that doesnt matter because that surgery is elective and cosmetic. I explained that it's only cosmetic because they say it is. According to me and my doctor and the surgeon, it is necessary due to health problems which apparently dont mean squat when it comes to insurance. Because of my stupid ID...
Their solution? "Then maybe just change your ID back to FEMALE".
Which I can only do every 3 years I was told...So wait 2 years to change my ID for an insurance company I might not even have by then? No thanks.
So it's back to square one (until I can switch insurances. Good riddance Blue Cross Blue Shield Anthem!!!! You dont cover squat! ((Only office visits, no labs, no eye, no dental, no ER)) so why keep them!?) Fundraising. Sort of. Saving up money on the side when I can, plus my gofundme.
HUGE HUGE HUGE THANK YOU to Artemis and Lori R. for donating 50$ to the cause. So much love your way!
On another note, I'm trying something else to try and earn money for surgery. So far I only have about 500$ saved up (8,500$ to go.....). Fairy Jars. Some of you MIGHT have seen them on my facebook if I've added you, but here's a very minimal example of what I'll be doing.
While Lit inside:
Outside without lighting:
I'd made this particular one to try it out and it was for someone in California, but she hasnt been able to pay for shipping yet so it hasnt gone anywhere. I'm attempting to find lighter jars so shipping will be cheaper plus I want to focus on recycled jars and materials so there is less waste and plus I wont be spending a ton of $ on supplies.
These are only for decoration and should NOT be used with a real candle (battery operated only) else it will catch the foam inserts and tissue paper on fire!
I'll be doing different themes once I get more supplies (wolves, dragons, more fairies, etc) with a different variety of jars in size and shape. Different colors as well. Some may not have as many decorations added onto the outside like this particular one (it was custom, mostly done by Alex) but I'll update and add photos as I get there.
Like I said, payments for the jars will go directly to my GoFundMe account as this seems to be the best solution for everyone when it comes to payments and where the money will be going (towards surgery).
I'll let you know how that goes...
Havent sold any yet (because I have yet to get supplies) but I have a few people interested.
In other news, there isnt much going on. Alex joined a few groups on facebook that he could relate to and seems to have found his own little world to be in, which is good I guess. It gives him more independence and a sense of his own life or something like that. He's a little annoyed right now because our cellphone completely kicked the bucket (I kind of figured it would. It was slowly getting really annoying kinks such as the screen messing up and the buttons not working) So now he cant text people while we're at work or something. I have to get a new one ASAP for work and whatnot but the people I share my verizon plan with are being a pain in my ____ about if I should upgrade through the account or just buy a prepaid. I have no idea what I'm looking at and theyre all just brushing it off like it's nothing but I NEED a phone for work. I'm giving them another day to figure it out before I do it on my own, to hell with their advice or preferences.
My job is more important than their preferences on MY phone.
Yes, I'm in a slightly cranky mood....I blame shark week. Dyphoria is totally kicking my butt tonight and it's made me severely annoyed. Plus getting to work and climbing into the work jeep---oh look, it's out of gas. Climb into the work van instead---oh look, two flat tires. Try to fill the tires back up and end up ripping off the stupid hub caps because they were preventing the damn nozzle from putting air in the tire---oh great, I cant get one back on. Try kicking and oh nice, I split one of my toenails because I forgot I had sneakers on and not my steeltoe boots....
Ugh, it's been a lovely night.
Plus I dont remember if I said this but I apparently have a damaged Trapezius muscle which is preventing me from exercising so I've gained weight and feel horrible plus it keeps siezing up every few days. Oh yeah and my 225mg of thyroid medication (highest dose I'm allowed) isnt working and I might have three tumors in my thyroid glands. YAY ME!
I'm going to bed now.....>.>
Ah howdy dewdy do berrysnoggles. I'm slightly bored atm so I decided I would ramble while watching my bf play 'Dont Starve' on tv.
I got my lil bro Kai here and he's on IMVU spacing out so I got bored. First off, I want to mention that you never realize how hard it is to switch pronouns for someone unless you also have to do it. I used to think "Omg, how hard is it to just call me SIR?! OR HE?! WTH PEOPLE". Well now I would like to humbling apologize. It sucks and it does take a lot of practice. Surprisingly, Justin is doing a better job at keeping Kai's pronouns than me. I think part of it is because Kai was so on the fence about his gender identity on wether he was/is transgender or not, that I wasnt sure what he preferred and he wasnt even sure yet. But now I guess it is official and I need to kick my own toots into gear on remembering. Him, he, his, etc.....Just keep repeating it, right? lol
Anyway, my mother made it abundantly clear that if I do not deliver Kai home by the 22nd of december, he will not be coming back ever again. SO Kai and I agreed that, at least for this year, we will do as she wants and follow her rules. We did have xmas together last year so I suppose it's only fair. I'll ask my mom later how she feels about me taking Kai next year since she's getting this year. Hopefully she says yes. She seems to have come to a little more reasonable terms with me being transgender now that Kai has come out as transgender as well, though she's still in denial about it. Perhaps she's in denial and in the mindset of "well you didnt show signs of it through childhood like Kai has" because she feels guilty to have not paid attention at all in those times. Kai's teen years and my teen years are vastly different. I was trying to go to chef's school, balancing sneaking out to discover my sexuality, being arrested for trespassing and vandelism, joining covens and basically doing things I shouldnt have been doing. I was rebelling, discovering myself. So I werent home very much unless I were forced to play mom while my mother was busy with her numerous boyfriends or getting new jobs (that she quit after a few weeks and blamed us kids for.). I was so often referred to as the mother of the house that I had to teach my (at the time) 3 year old brother to call me his sibling and not his mom.
Anyhow, I'm falling off track. In terms of Alexandru, we've gotten a long a little bit better though we're hitting roadblocks here and there. Like, for instance, Alcohol. Alex rather enjoys drinking at random and I've picked up my iced tea to drink and found vodka in it not helpful. We talked about it a little and we DID agree that we wouldnt drink on work nights, and he had obeyed that because it wasnt on a work night. But I wasnt in the mood to drink, so it still annoyed me. Another issue we've had is that he wants to date. I know he's fine with me dating justin and he is tollerable of the whole....sexual thing.....But I know he's not into him. Justin just isnt Alex's type. He wants a girlfriend, but I honestly do not see this working out. Justin is still in the mindset that 'alex' is simply a different personality in terms of moods or emotions, and not a seperate person entirely. We havent really talked about it because I'm not sure how to. I told Alex that he can date on IMVU and we just wont tell justin, but I think he wants a more physical relationship. I feel bad but there's not much we can do about it.
I've decided that once my insurance is settled, I'm going to try and find a therapist that covers both Gender Identity and MPD to help us figure out what steps to take next. We have been keeping up a journal to talk either back and forth or just get things off our minds (seems weird to use that word in plural), and it seems to help both of us settle a little and not feel so aggitated. Though we've agreed not to read eachother's pages without asking in case there is something personal. Mostly we're keeping the journal as a reference for whatever therapist we might get, so they can see that this is an ongoing thing and not just on a whim of "oh, yeah, btw....". I guess that's mostly just my fear, is people thinking I'm doing this for attention or something. But one simple note comes to mind that reminds me that this might not be the case. He reminds me of it occasionally.
"If this was for attention, than why do we talk to eachother both mentally and verbally while at work? When no one is around and clearly no one can hear us. If it was for attention, why would we bother to upkeep that habit when no attention could be taken from it?"
He's kinda got a point.....Lately he's figured out how to stay awake at night during work and I..."rest", I guess you could say. So during the day when I'm awake (after we both physically sleep), he's mentally very quiet as if in his 'own room'. I've realized, by talking with another person with MPD (more alts than I have though) that they each can have their own rooms or realities that they can retreat to whenever they feel like it. Alex has told me about his room and I'm kind of jealous that I dont have one lol but it's whatever.
Mostly I (we, apparently, since it irritates him too) am very pissed off that it's December 15th and we've seen nothing but Rain, rain, rain, and more rain. We're due for 60F weather for the next week or two, and this is TOTALLY NOT NEW ENGLAND!!!!!!! Last year we were in three feet of snow by now! This is not only annoying, but unsettling....This weather is the complete opposite of what we should have right now. It's creepy and concerning....I dont like it. At this point, IF we even GET snow---we'll have snowbanks clear through til July Not impressed. This is REALLY going to mess up crops and whatnot. We already had a bad year growing crops, and this def' is not going to help.I'm not huge into the global warming theory but jeez.....It's kind of freaking me out.
Plus Alex really wants to play in the snow >.<
So we're having a short Xmas on saturday for Kai before he goes home, which'll be interesting lol I was accused of being a student at the private academy I work at AGAIN because people think I'm underage (WHY?!!?!?), And I got my hair cut. Pics will come soon xoxo
Think that's all for now lol This is seriously just a ramble post.
First off, Happy Transgender Visibility Day. I was sort of expecting more of a hoo-ha at work today for it, like they do for all the other holidays. Even for LGBT awareness day, they do a cake and ribbons and music and such.
Today...I asked them to make a cake which he put next to no effort into because he didnt really seem to care, and didnt even put frosting all the way around it.
The sign was thrown together in about half a minute, and it didnt even mention what kind of cake it was. Which someone pointed out to me with "Is the fact that the sign doesn't say what kind of cake it is a metaphor that means we should like it no matter what it looks like or what's on the inside?"
Which I thought was a good point and it sort of made me feel a little bit better, but the point I was trying to make still went unseen.
TDoV isn’t something you’re supposed to just overlook, yet people do. In the LGBT topic, I think that the T and B get strongly overlooked all the time, day in and day out. Simply because people do not understand or cannot relate. Gay is easy to understand. They like the opposite sex both affectionately and sexually. Simply put, and easy to wrap your mind around. Transgenders or Bisexuals is more complicated at times, and I’ve noticed that instead of trying to understand, people would rather just shrug it off and pretend it neither matters nor exists.
I may be wrong on this theory but that’s just the way I have seen it so far. In my search for a new therapist, I’ve found countless doctors who treat Gay/Lesbian issues but only two out of twenty cover Bisexual or Transgender/Transexual issues. And even though I know it’s something I’m supposed to fully understand, I’ve yet to uncover that fine line between transGENDER and transSEXUAL. People have sent me links and such to read through it, but with my dyslexia, I can only go so far before everything I read leaves my brain or I get side tracked.
I always tell people “Talk to me as if I’m five and make it easy to understand”.
Sadly that’s the way I have to have people explain things to me. Feel free to give me your take on the two in the comments, and I’ll do my best to keep up
Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked I’ll inset the picture of the cake they did, and although I’m glad that they actually did it, I’m still kind of bummed at the lack of effort they put into it. The baker is an excellent chef, and he worked in a fine dining restaurant making wonderful pastries and gorgeous cakes…..There’s no excuse for this. Aside from he simply didn’t give a s***.
Just saying. Again, simply my opinion.
The other thing that’s been bugging me (other than the constant depression knowing that my surgery is on a very high shelf that I cant reach) is “Fascination”
If one more person pulls me aside for a billion questions (half aren’t appropriate to ask) about being transgendered because I’m “Fascinating”, I’ll explode. There’s a difference between being curious and nosey, and sometimes I have to simply fake being busy and run off before I can finish their questions. I’m sorry, but my sex life is my business, not theirs. And I don’t feel like answering questions about my sex life regarding my transgender “lifestyle”. That’s like me walking up to a complete stranger and going “Hey, hows it going? You have blonde hair, cool! That’s so fascinating! Tell me, how exactly do you **** your boy/girlfriend? Do they enjoy that?”
On another note, I found an awesome song that I’ve become absolutely obsessed with. It’s called “You can be king again” By Lauren Aquilina. It’s rather uplifting yet soothing at the same time, and I encourage you guys to check it out. I’ll put a youtube link in the comments momentarily.
Anyway, gonna stop here
If you guys need to get ahold of me btw, you can find me on Facebook, gofundme, kik or imessage Simply ask, and you shall receive the proper addresses/access
Yours as always,
So first I wanted to respond to a few things in my last blog because posting comments was getting confusing.
"May I ask, does your boyfriend consider himself a Straight or Gay man? Do you consider yourself a Straight or Gay man? From my interaction with you and looking at your pictures (I have very sensitive "Gaydar"), you come across as a Straight man. Of course, I could be wrong." The answer to this would be no, Justin does not consider himself gay, and is 100% Straight. Which, yes, confuses the situation a little bit, but I respect his sexuality. I, myself, am Pansexual. So that makes my life a little easier lol. So I'm a fraction of both gay and straight but more open than Bisexual
"If this is actually an agreement - she asked for rent and named the amount, then the space in her house that is not considered common area is yours, and she cannot enter your space unannounced when you are not there unless there is an emergency. Otherwise, any entry must be scheduled and you must be notified in advance."
We did agree to pay a certain ammount (Justin and I as a couple) but no paperwork were signed so it is not a legal agreement and She can toss me out as just a 'guest' in her house. We live in one house, and my bedroom is literally considered "her sons room" to her and she claims to have free range over the whole house. Either she's right or wrong in the situation, doesnt matter because I cannot avoid it right now.
As such the situation has gotten more and more Frustrating. Last night I came home and my bedroom door were wide open (not the first time) giving all the animals of the house free roam of it, which is VERY enfuriating considering some of her EIGHT cats pee on things. Not only that, but my native american medicine wheel and safeguard disk were on the floor in the hallway, both of which my deceased father gave me, CHEWED UP and basically ruined. This is the third time this week that I have come home to my door open and either my razors stolen, my room trashed, things knocked over, things missing, or the room just left open for access of the stupid animals that she is hoarding. Today I locked the bedroom door before leaving but there's no promises that they wont find a way to open it anyhow. I just dont understand how two people who earn (debatable, its sometimes a government disability check) cant just go out and buy their own damn razors or stay out of my room. There is nothing in there for them. They dont like it if I go in their rooms! It's beyond obnoxious, and I hate being there. But as we've all agreed, no point in taking action until I have the funds or job to find my own place.....
ANYWAY, its wednesday, and my computer decided to be a d*** and not work. So I did my videos on my ipod which was obnoxious but productive. Here ya go.
Insurance said no. For the fifth time.
My favorite beach is closed.
My birthday plans have been cancelled.
And I literally cant think of many reasons why I should even bother to keep trying.
Please dont message or comment with 'keep your chin up' or 'keep trying' because that literally only ticks me off.