I've been doing better this last week, however had a pretty pivotal conversation with my wife. She hasn't wanted to talk about what I'm doing, doctor's appt, electrolysis, etc. But on Saturday night, she told me that she wanted to talk about it. So I told her what I was doing (even though I had told her what I was doing before) and she basically told me she felt like she was on a rollercoaster ride that she did not sign up for. That going on hormones and seeing me dressed were nails in the coffin of our marriage. In other words, we are done and it is just a matter of time.
I told her that I totally understood, that I do not blame her for her feelings and that I love her. She basically told me that she was having a difficult time dealing with this psychologically, that she was burying herself in the kids, activities, television, Internet, etc. to avoid thinking about it. The next morning, mother's day, I woke up and just cried. It's amazing. She is a special, special person. Lately, I've been having a lot of sex dreams with her, but she wants nothing to do with me. But, that is okay. This stuff is really, really hard. I've been dealing with it my entire life, and now everyone else gets to deal with it, along side me.
My immediate concern is that I don't make her angry. I'm not going to walk around on eggshells round her, however I am going to respect where she is at and the boundaries. I did tell her that I needed to start hormones soon, because it will take 2 - 3 years for the changes to happen (like I really know). She was supportive of that. That is really all that I can ask. Keep the hair removal and hormones going.
My follow up appointment is this Wednesday at 5pm to find out if I can start estrogen. My blood tests came back normal after starting the Spiro, so I'm hoping that is an affirmative and I walk away with a prescription for estrogen. Hopefully, in two months or so, i can start finasteride to address the hair loss. But he said that he'll most likely cut back on the spiro to do that. Whatever.
I am hopeful for the future, but know that there is a much higher chance that this will not go well, at least initially, and that I will not get the support that I need. But there is nothing that I can do about how people act or feel. But there is much more uncertainty now in my future.
I still have not had that talk with my pastor. In fact, I had to skip the vestry meeting tonight because today was a rough day for me. So I still need to do that. Still need to tell my kids. My wife wants me to hold off. Because she feels that my daughter is having a rough time. But I feel like the time is now before she gets older.
I love all of you and hope that you had a good week. Please send me an email or comment. I love hearing from everyone.