While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person.
Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt.
Am I really a girl deep inside?
Am I just having a gender identifying crises?
Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation?
Or am I just going crazy?
Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick..
And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl?
Reason why I don't think I'm a girl:
1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender.
2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih.
3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.)
4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while.
5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish".
Reason I am a girl:
1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me.
2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly.
3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?)
4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing
6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls.
7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl.
8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy.
9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls.
AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED.
I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family..
It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy.
It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting..
But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream..
I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl.
But yet I have these thoughts of remorse.
And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****..
But Yet they keep coming up..
I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy?
I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead.
I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender.
I was born a boy, so I must be a boy?
Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me.
Have a great day
Hey, it might seems like rushing it abit, starting up a blog just after I sent a welcome thread up, but an idea struck me, and I can be very inpatient.
This is actully a test if writing out about my life growing up, can help me find out if I ever felt misplaced in the wrong body..
So, you don't have to comment, but feed back and spelling mistakes are most welcome as I am not the best at gramma!
I grew up in a "happy" home, my mom and dad and my two brothers, I was the youngest of the siblings.
My parents got me late, I was born 6-7 years after the middle one, and ten years after the oldest.
When I write I grew up in a "happy" home it Isn't meant that my parents was often fighting behind closed doors...
That was not their style, those two argued like a movie, plates flying, screaming ( By the age of 5 I knew all swearing words back and forth) and passion.
I mostly remember how my brother used to break out his door, when he heard me crying and my mom and dad argueing again, and he'd come and take me away, often this could be at night times, and we would be out untill both my mom and dad clamed down.
Through it often was this way, my mom and dad loved eachother a bunch.
And I do not blame neither of these, both my parents had lived a rough life.
My mom was the only girl of a group of siblings, when she was about 13, her dad commited suicide by burning down their appartment, leaving my grandmother to feed and take care of 5 kids.
I have alot of respect for my grandmother, and I love her with all my heart, but her kids who nearly had no supervision, besides my mother, who took over the "mom" role started doing criminal activities, not that my uncles are bad persons, you can't find people who're more lovingly then their are, and as with all my family, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.
My dad grew up in a poor family aswell, being the only boy of two older sisters..
Doing his youth his mom hated him, aswell as his older sister who tried to strangle.
He also felt into the criminal life style, and this is how I don't blame them.
Anyway, on with MY life.
As I grew up going to kindergarten I have no memory of me being "misplaced" I was a boy, with alot of engery and as most boys that age, I was a wild one.
My earlist memories of anything about gender, was in third grade..
I used to play with these two girls, and I remember how much I loved it.
I liked dressing out and pretending that we lived on "hogwarts"..
I felt like I belonged when I played with these two.
Well, as most things to in that age, I grew and I don't know if it was because of my mom and dad.
Or if I was just too stupid to understand school, but I started getting into trouble, at the sixth grade I stopped doing homeworks, I never took an interest to school and I was starting to act like a "thug" (I think I was mostly convinced, that because my familiy was criminal I had a heritage to take over, and who needs poems when you gonna be a MC'er? ) Well when I hit the golden years at 13 years old.
My life was already heading in the wrong direction, me and my friends, some I known from school, others I known since kindergarden.
We started hanging out in the streets, just escaping our homes was a relif, my parents was finally divorced after 28 years of marriage, and I was to say it happy, that there was no fighting.
But this also lead to me and my dad sliding further and further away from eachother..
I to be honest took out my frustations outside, I ended up fighting, stealing and basicly doing bad things, I've never been the person to think twice about my actions, so I never really stopped to think about myself, I went 110% straight down the highway, no stop signs (Speed of limit)
I've done many bad things in my life, and I don't regret a single one anymore, past is past.
(That was importent to say, since I've struggled with panic attackts)
Well through this was the fast life lane, this was also my first records of not belonging in a body..
I remember having throughts about being a girl, I sometimes didn't feel right being who I was..
But as I was very good at ignoring my feelings, and push througths away I did it everytime..
Because that would mean I'm gay right? And you couldn't be gay in my group of friends.
I had the same throught, coming over and over in my head as I grew up and I always pushed it away, untill a point, I was alone home, and I remember that I went to my mom closet, and tired on some of her clothes, and it was like kilo's floating from my shoulders.
I got scared, and I took it off, placed it back and I felt bad about myself a long time after..
This lead to my increasing violently behavior and my eviction from my school.
I was fifteen and a well known trouble maker within the city I came from..
I was sent to a school for "troubled" kids, wich meant victims of bulling, the bullies was grather to learn about life, in a hope to change our behavior.
Now in this school, the teachers understood you and it lead to me wanting to take an education..
But I was still struggling with my "Demons" Throught I passed school, I was still the same fighting kid.
I didn't care if I was going to jail for my behavior I was born to be criminal remember?
Luckly, when I was seventeen, I got my first appartment and through I'll say it's bad luck, I also think it's the best thing that happed to me.
I got a panic attack..
This lead to a struggle I've never had before, I was affriad of going out late at night, I didn't go to parties as alkohol lead straight to a new one, and this is where my criminal behavior stops..
But it's also the time I start to notice my gender "issue" I was still dressing boy, acting boy, speaking boy, but when I went on the internet, playing games I used it as a cover to be.. Who I felt as..
I told people I was a girl, and I started to spend alot of time online, as I felt right about it.
I can't really describe to feeling, but I'm sure most of you know it anyway..
One thing lead to another, and suddenly I throught more and more about this girl thing..
It's only recently I've taken the curage to actully do something about it, I dressed and I loved it I felt so relaxed..
I finally took myself together and went to the doctor and got help..
But I still struggle with the feeling "What if I'm just crazy?" Looking through most transgenders stories they always been aware that they were girls, so I can't help to think I'm just a "wannabee"
This was an overall story about my life.. Not interesting but it helps me in a way I can't explain.
Well I hope you guys have a nice day, I'm about to go and cook some dinner :)