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Roxanne Emerging with Love and Music 

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After a good day of relaxing and playing music, yesterday was our trans discussion group's monthly outing to a restaurant (my first time going).  I decided I would wear my favorite jeans, harley boots, a really cool long sleeve long dark green top and new dream catcher necklace I purchased at the same store as the top. I wore makeup, packed my money, phone and cards in my new wallet, a nice pink Michael Kors clutch with wrist band, and take the bus.  I had a one hour ride to downtown, a 14 minute wait and a short ride to my destination which was a decent Greek restaurant.

This was my second time going out dressed and wearing makeup and since I'm not yet on HRT, I am not passable at all....and I don't really care.  The first ride was very uneventful and when I got downtown, I waited in a glass bus stop along with a very pretty and tall black woman.  Since this was right downtown Gatineau (across the river from Ottawa) and the area has a multitude of bars and night spots, there were a lot of people walking around and I was curious to see how many times I would be noticed and looked at twice.  Aside from a couple of people staring a bit and an elderly lady giving me the "evil eye" (I just smiled back!), it was a lot less eventful than I would have previously imagined.  The lady at the bus stop even sat beside me and complimented me on my nails which was really cool!

I met my friends, a group of MTF's and FTM's and had a great meal and even better conversation.  After the meal, we decided to head to a new chocolate/ice cream place which recently opened and when we got there ...wow!  The place was packed with a lineup about 40 feet out the door.  We waited in line and it was really worth it...great ice cream of all kinds with a selection of about 12 different kinds of chocolate dips!  

All 8 of us stood out on the patio and talked for at least an hour before heading back...it was awesome!  This was really my first time heading out into the "unknown" being my true self and it felt exhilarating! A couple of times I noticed some weird looks and stares but the feeling of being out as myself with people just like me and their friends out weighed any issue others might have with me...that belongs to THEM, not me!  A friend from the group gave me a ride home and I slept soooo well!

This morning when I got up I had this crazy craving for steak and eggs!  I had the steak but not the eggs so I put on a pair of shorts, t-shirt and headed to the convenience store I've been going to for many years.  I still had on the nail polish as I usually keep it on during weekends and when I'm not working.  When I walked in I was curious to see if the cashier, who is a friendly woman in her 20's, would notice or say anything.  I got the eggs, went to pay and after waiting for the only other customer to finish paying, she noticed my nails and immediately said: "Oh wow, nice nails!!" to which I replied "thanks...I like the color and don't care what people think..".  She replied: "That's great, let your girl have some fun!"

The steak and eggs tasted great....I think I'll have a good sleep again tonight...

Roxanne

Last Wednesday was a good day.  In the province of Quebec, even though medical services are covered by our provincial insurance, it is practically impossible to get a family doctor to follow us for any issue, problem or in my case, transition.  I have to thank my psychologist... about three months ago when she wrote my letter recommending HRT and eventual GRS, she sent a copy of these to a doctor whom she knew specialized in treating LGBT folks.  Well it didn't even take two days and to my surprise, the doctor's receptionist called me and scheduled an appointment for the August 12th and informed me the doctor would be taking me on as a new patient...I was floating with happiness!!

So I went to my appointment last week and he proceeded to give me a full physical then proceeded to go over the letter from my psychologist with me.  He immediately followed up by sending me for blood work and renewed prescriptions I was previously taking, then again immediately sent a fax to an Endocrinologist in Montreal for HRT recommending he start me on it asap.  Two hours later I received a call from Montreal letting me know my appointment is set up for October 21st.  It's a little while away but ok since I'm learning we cannot be in a rush during this amazing journey called transition.  I have to say just knowing I'm finally going to start HRT has helped tremendously with my anxiety.

I'm not shy to dress in public, mind you only casually as I haven't dared to publicly wear skirts or dresses yet but will go out wearing makeup and feminine tops.  So before going to the movies with my step daughter Isabelle last Saturday, we stopped at Winners and I ended up trying on 32 different feminine articles of clothing and ended up buying some tops, a nice black dress, maxi skirt, leggings, joggers, sleepwear and a few other things...  So now I'm wearing only female clothing when not working while at home and will start going out en femme more and more. I'm shy about wearing the skirts and dresses before HRT effects kick in but will eventually work up the courage to do it... I just wish I had more butt and boobs lol.

Thanks for reading!

Roxanne xoxo 

My Saturday, August 8th, 2015....Shopping with Isabelle...

It seems that every time I go out I get a little more gutsy...  The first Friday of every month I attend a group meeting here in Gatineau with fellow MTF's and FTM's.  Since I already started buying a new female wardrobe, this Friday was the first time I would attend wearing my new clothes...nothing too obvious. I wore jeans, sneakers, a nice American Eagle tee with pink writing and a long beige cardigan...on the bus!  I don't really care what other people think and yes I did get a few strange looks but let's just say it blended well with the Guns N' Roses playing in my headphones lol!

These meetings are awesome as they are a tremendous help with my dysphoria which is quite intense these days.  I have not yet started hormones but am getting a referral to an Endocrinologist from my GP this Wednesday as he has approved my letter from my psychologist.  I want to add I DO see a psychologist every two weeks and highly recommend this along with group meetings as the most important steps in self discovery.  If you cannot afford therapy, groups are usually free and the help found there is phenomenal!

Now for the shopping... Isabelle and I went the this popular shopping center downtown Ottawa.  At first I wasn't sure what to buy but knew I wanted something more feminine than what I have so far which consists mostly of various tops and of course socks and underwear.  We went to Nordstrom (yikes! $$), Pink, Victoria's Secret and I still wasn't sure what to get.  Isabelle then had a really good suggestion...  Since my body is still quite masculine...at 6', I weigh in at 220 (lost 80 lbs since last October and still losing) and have typical male love handles, very little butt, man boobs from teenage gynecomastia, she suggested I buy a maxi dress that fits and take a couple of pictures.  We could then see the gradual effects of hormones by taking a picture wearing the same dress about once a month.  Then as I drop the weight even more, buy another "goal" dress which is a little more snug and so on..

We went to a store called Sirens and with the fall clothes being out, there were very few XL size summer maxi dresses.  We then went to Forever21 and there I found the perfect dress for this little experiment...a long blue pattern summer maxi which fits very well length wise but of course I do not fill it in quite correctly in a couple of areas..  We got home and I immediately put it on!. Wow is it ever comfortable...I know now that dresses will take up a huge part of my future wardrobe and can't wait to start wearing them more and more.  

My next purchase will be shoes and sandals and for this I will have to go to a tall girl store which we have in downtown Ottawa as I am probably around a size 13 wide in women's shoes.  In the meantime, I dress in my feminine clothes all the time when not at work and practice makeup every chance I get...I love that stuff!

All the above is far from being a "cure all" for my level of dysphoria as my psychologist rates my transsexualism as pretty extreme and know I will have to undergo all surgeries (the "bottom" surgery is paid for by health insurance here in Canada), but is does help a little with my intense daily anxiety and along with the therapy and groups, keeps me from completely losing it until I start hormones and go further in my "oh so welcomed" transition.

Now I'm on holidays for this week and the music is creeping back....

Thanks for reading, 

Roxanne

I want to share what happened to me during the afternoon of July 18th, 2015.  

Having moved back into my house at the beginning of the month, not only was my adventure in transition starting but also a great adventure in cleaning (sigh!).  My ex was a clothes hoarder which means that even after having "moved", she had left me a bunch of scattered piles of clothes in every room throughout the house as well as in all my closets...what an adventure!  With the help of my 17 year old step daughter Isabelle who chose to stay with me, I started this exhaustive task.  The closet in my entrance was the first one to tackle but before doing that, I had to free up some room in my storage containers which were filled with my ex's old society games. Since she had left me a huge pile of unused cardboard boxes right in the living room, I had all I needed to take care of business so I packed up all her things which were NOT clothes and managed to fill over 20 boxes!  When this was done, a few days later, then I would start on the clothes...  Remember by this time she HAD moved lol!

Over the next couple of weeks, I packed up boxes with her clothes which of course were all dusty from having sat there litereally for years in some cases.  I did this off and on, after work and every day off until finally on the 18th, I decided to take a break, go for a meal at my favorite shopping centre in Ottawa then go to the movies...I wanted to go see the new documentary about Amy Winehouse.

I never made it... That whole day I felt off..a bit like I had felt back in 2003 the day I had a heart attack but I knew it wasn't my heart as all my vitals, which I check regularly were in check.  I went to the Rideau Centre, ordered a "poutine" at the New York Fries, sat at a counter where they have plugs to charge cell phones and started eating while watching something on YouTube.  

The sweating started, then the nausea, then I remember feeling very comfortable and sleeping not realizing I had actually passed out and fell off my stool.  I woke up to a bunch of people staring at me and asking me if I'm ok!  The security guard helped me sit up in a chair and told me the paramedics were on their way...  Of course being in early transition, only a couple of people know about my dysphoria and transition.  Isabelle was close downtown Ottawa with a friend who also knows about me and my sister was at work.  I haven't told my parents yet as I'm waiting for my mom to get biopsy results and will only tell her once her emotional distress has diminished somewhat but the issue now was I was going to be sent to the hospital where I knew my parents would come and see me.  Wouldn't be to bad if I wasn't wearing light green nail polish and panties.  I wasn't worried about the panties but the nail polish would be a little tricky to explain for sure.

When the ambulance came, they checked my vitals and told me everything seemed fined but wanted to take me to the closest hospital just to be on the safe side which I was not opposed to.  During the ride, I outed myself to the ambulance attendant and he was very nice about the whole thing and found it remarkable that I was not shy talking about it.  He asked a lot of questions and I answered...

We got to the hospital and by that time, I had called my sister who then called my parents and after laying down in the emergency area hallway for a couple of hours, my parents showed up.  I  told them the nail polish was Isabelle's doing and said I didn't mind having color on my nails...they just gave me a funny look and dismissed it...

I ended up waiting for another 4 hours before even going through triage and by that time, I had figured out that what I had was a simple panic attack, well a big one, probably the biggest one I ever had and through therapy found the whole house cleaning was what led up to it.  

I told my colleagues at work and they recommended I take a couple of days off the following week which I did.  I then followed my therapist's advice and proceeded to purchase contractor style garbage bags and use the "shovel" method to finish my cleanup!  Now all her things are in my garage and waiting for her to come pick them up.  If she hasn't done so before the end of this month, I will give everything to charity!

I have just finished cleaning my top floor, washed the walls and I'm almost done the main floor.  I will be on holidays from my job next week and for the first time in years, plan to actually enjoy myself!  The day I am looking forward to the most is August 12th...I will meet my new doctor who will send my for my blood tests and a visit to the endocrinologist at last!

I just hope the hormones will help the dysphoria and anxiety...

Roxanne

I've just moved back home after being away living at my parents' house for 10 weeks following separation from my girlfriend of 8 years. Early this year and following a long, gradual "sink down" into this bad unhealthy relationship I decided to take a "deep dive" look into that whirlwind of crazy thoughts in my head and to my horror (or so I thought at the time), discovered what is gender dysphoria. I immediately recognized myself. That led me to spend the next four months locked up in my recording studio downstairs, smoking excessive amounts of hash and watching crazy shit on the web while trying to numb myself as much as possible, somehow hoping this dysphoria thing would magically go away...yeah that really worked!

Finally in April, getting really scared I would trigger another downward spiral into other drugs or alcoholism (I have not drank since 2000) so I looked for and luckily found a clinical psychologist who specializes in Trans people like us and through several long emails and one telephone conversation, helped me realize I had to make this real and move forward with my transition. That led me to have a complete emotional breakdown and I left two days later.  Since my ex has deep long term personality issues, a heavy drinking problem and always promised to work to help with bills but never did, leaving was easily justified without having to "out" myself.

After a couple of weeks, I decided I would come out to my 17 year old step daughter Isabelle as she is the person who is closest to me.  Her generation is amazing...she totally got it and was actually extremely happy I am doing this and willing to encourage and help me through my whole transition.  

My sister who is 4 and a half years younger than me was the second one I was going to tell. For the record I am 48. She is in psychology having gone back to school to earn her doctorate and will be finished before the end of this year.  I met her at a Casey's restaurant in Ottawa and gave her the news.  She was very compassionate about the whole thing, realizing her "brother" has been living with this "her" whole life.  I do have to say it took her about a month and one visit to my own therapist to truly accept what I have and have to do...  This has actually brought us much closer.

My ex has left me an incredible mess as she was a clothes hoarder and when I stepped in the house a week before last Friday, I walked over to my couch, sat down and still couldn't help but get the biggest smile on my face and take in a feeling of incredible relief and liberation.  Relieved by the fact that I could start living as myself for the first time in my life and liberated by the fact I could start anew on my own terms. I also knew I wouldn't be going through this alone.  Shortly after leaving 10 weeks previous, Isabelle asked me if she could stay with me.  I said yes since it was ok with her mom and asked her to come to one of my sessions with my therapist.  This was important to me as I played a huge role in raising her and want to be there for her always.  My therapist later congratulated me about us having such a healthy relationship and added I am lucky to have her with me during this difficult time...

I am 6' tall and during the last year have lost 75 pounds by quitting wheat and closely monitoring my sugar intake.  After moving back, I put all my clothes in bags except for the essentials I need for work and gave them away to charity...  Shortly after having told Isabelle my little secret, she took me shopping at La Senza and I bought all new underwear having the plan to ditch all my boxers as soon as I returned home...I did that and it felt wonderful!  Guess I have to start somewhere...

My therapist has pointed me to a group which meets monthly which helps a lot and she also helped me find a new family doctor who has agreed to refer me to an endocrinologist for hormones asap.  This doctor's appointment in on August 12th and I can't wait...

My anxiety is through the roof...

In closing this first of many blog entries, I want to say how grateful I am for having found this site and also how proud and priviliged I feel of having this community from which I am learning a lot and already feeling a lot of love and support...

Thank you tgguide and I hope my entries will help others as much as reading this site has helped me so far...

With love from Gatineau, Quebec...

Roxanne

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