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About this blog

Navigating my galaxy-freighter Gender Hammer against the dark energy of transphobia, always escaping the TERF syndicate and MRA cartels with a little help from my cis allies and trans partners in crime.  A pirate who runs a tight, trans-friendly ship and always shares the spoils with my crew.

Entries in this blog

Trans Suicide TW

I nearly commited suicide today.  I was so triggered by the thought of asking for help from my family.  I feel my long road of resilience and survival has been wasted if I'm expected to care about this man who has consistently tortured me for my 43 years, all the while putting me in the worst possible place. I felt humiliated, demeaned, hurt, abused, and subject to harsh misogyny.  No matter how much I protest, assert myself, give myself pats on the back, try to boost my self-esteem as a trans w
Steambelle

Steambelle

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[TW] I'm an incest, rape and child abuse victim

[TRIGGER WARNINGS; INCEST, CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE, SUICIDE, VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.] Basically the gist of this is never casually joke about suicide and incest, ever. I've found that support for myself as a transgender person among other transgender people is almost non-existent. So the gloves are off. I'm coming right out with my worst secret and wanting it public. This post isn't a fancy infographic and it hasn't any gifs of gyrating bodies.  It has no pictures or selfies or cats.  It has no l
Steambelle

Steambelle

2

Shepherdess, Part Three

TW: Discussion of abuse, including childhood sex abuse and incest. Early in my childhood, I learned a lot about  emotional and verbal abuse from my parents.  Later my Dad tried to excuse both he and my Mom by dismissing their behaviour to my younger brother and me as “practice parenting” That meant that the “successful” parenting was saved for my sister and youngest brother.  I always felt this was very selfish and ignorant on their part. To this day, I wish my Dad would take back this smug dism
Steambelle

Steambelle

0

No More Christmas

This time of year is traditionally known as the holidays, and my experience is that we should spend it with our families.  Our culture is descended from traditional nuclear families, Judaeo-Christian religion and binary gender identities, and it’s time we took this day back from those who demand we practice their traditions. I hate Christmas, but I don’t think there’s anything humbug or Scrooge-like about my hating Christmas the way I do.  I don’t think my heart needs to grow three sizes like th
Steambelle

Steambelle

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Trigger Warnings

Hi, I'm Debi, also known as Steambelle. My blog is going to go into some very deep places.  I think it would be right for me to say the following trigger warnings are in place: -childhood sexual abuse, including incest and rape -talk about suicide, mental illness and depression -eating disorders -self-mutilation -psychiatric hospitalization -physical, emotional and verbal abuse -reparative therapy My first full blog post is coming later tonight.  I'm mad as hell about there not being any support
Steambelle

Steambelle

1

Stuff that happened in my twenties

TW: discussion, though not explicit, of sex work; descriptions of transphobia. The possibility of becoming a sex worker has never strayed too far from my life.  If I’m approved for affirmation surgery soon and I have the procedure before I’m about 50 (I’m 43 now), I would strongly consider sex work to supplement my income. I’ve been a sex worker before, though at the time I never would have called it sex work, for the same reason I never would have considered coming out as transgender: it was th
Steambelle

Steambelle

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Dawkins and Gender

This is an email I tossed off to my sister, a researcher for a consulting firm in Alberta.  Her background is in biology, for which she has a PhD from the University of Alberta.  I'm copy-pasting the text here. I never got a reply, but this seems to be all the things I said in a phone conversation with her where she agreed with me, so preaching to the choir and all that. She is also very supportive and has helped me frame and word my trans identity for other purposes. See what you make of it. "R
Steambelle

Steambelle

0

Shepherdess, Part One

I've been debating whether or not to share my story about something that's been very long-term in terms of how much of my life it has encompassed: nearly 30 years.  I want to start slowly, and I don't know how long it will take me to finish the story. It will be a long, emotional read when it is completed.  The ending, and it's implications, may be terrifying to some readers. I think my story confirms some degree of life after death, but I won't debate its specific details with regards to a spec
Steambelle

Steambelle

0

Yesterday (TW: eating disorders)

Me to my dad: "I suffered from a relapse of anorexia nervosa this fall and summer" My dad: "who's fault was that?" Me: triggered, feeling suicidal, hating the world, getting no help
Steambelle

Steambelle

0

Shepherdess, Part Two

Trigger warning: rape, incest, abuse, discussion of mental health and suicide. What I am most afraid of is introducing the other person who matters the most in my narrative.  She has almost been written out of my family’s history, even though she gave birth to four beautiful children who have grown up into wonderful adults.  There are many reasons why I think my family has neglected her memory and ignored her influence for so long.  One is that she suffered from an undiagnosed mental illness, an
Steambelle

Steambelle

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The Long Road

The act of coming out to me was fairly simple; it was a matter of acknowledging what I had been feeling for more than 35 years.  It was also a way of putting two and two together, finding a common thread in all my dysphoria, understanding why things were the way they were in my life, and so on.  But the difficulties I've faced since then have a lot to do with our culture, the history of our Western society, and the enforced binarism of cis privilege. We as gender non-conforming, transgender, non
Steambelle

Steambelle

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