Jump to content
Transgender Message Forum
  • entries
    140
  • comments
    285
  • views
    12,645

About this blog

This is Bree's journal talking about how life changes, and how you grow with them (probably with the occasional freakout, I'm good at panic mode too!).  Life has been hard since day one, and not doing it alone is the key!

Entries in this blog

Irma.

So I just saw photos of St. Maarten after Irma passed through.  On top of the horror for those people, there is this creepy feeling.  I was there, in March, with Ashe.  We lounged on a beautiful beach, we had lunch at this awesome open air restaurant right on the beech and iguanas joined us for the lunch, there was a drive through the beautiful now underwater streets.  It just feels weird when it's somewhere you have been.  Like when I see flood photos from the one we had here.  It's not a feeli
Briannah

Briannah

0

Instinct vs. Medical advice.

So my back is killing me today, I slept wrong the night before last or something.  You know, when you just wake up and your back says "#$&& no!".  My natural instinct is really to find a comfortable position that doesn't hurt, and stay there.  Until it heals up.  But what the doctor told Nikki last time he did this was that the fastest way to realign the back and heal the problems is walking.  And it's taking all my willpower to ignore my instincts and listen to her.  But every hour I'm
Briannah

Briannah

0

IN which Bree whines about medical things.

So.  I'd been doing rather well mostly the last year or two medically, ever since that emergency surgery issue in 2015.  So...Cobra for insurance between Nikki's old job and new job is $875 a month.  We don't have that much extra money.  We just don't, even with the really nice raise new job has afforded us.  And of course, I develop a problem.  My stomach acid is trying to digest the rest of me.  Acid reflux gone crazy.  *headdesk*  I have to more months until there is insurance again.  And I'm
Briannah

Briannah

3

In which Bree faces power tool ignorance.

So.  Nikki and I talked it over, and are going to start working on the actual renovations after the cruise, so around April.  (Vacation!  I can't wait!) Prime issue #1 - asthma.  Most of the things we want to do involve a lot of particulate dust matter, I can NOT be in the house with that all closed up in the winter, so it has to be in the spring when it's warmed up enough to open the house for at least 20 minutes (the amount of time I'm told it takes to recirculate the air on the average house)
Briannah

Briannah

11

I'm still alive, just struggling to recover from losing our cat.

I thought I was doing better, then I came home from work today, and there it was, on the table, Nikki had picked it up.  The box. My cat is in a box.  And I'm just losing it all over again.  Because the reality that my cat is IN that box.  And that there will be more boxes as time goes by.  I think I tried to bottle it up too hard to be there for Nikki, to be calm and comforting, and the reality of it came crashing down with that box.  It's a nice box.  With a plaque with her name on it and the
Briannah

Briannah

5

I'm 45 today.

It's after midnight, that makes it my birthday!  LOL  And even better, NIKKI HAS AN INTERVIEW!  And while I fully comprehend the difference between an interview and a job offer, it's still good to see him get a nibble less than two days after he applied.  It's done wonders for his confidence, and I'm proud of my Nikki.    It was amazing news. And if it does work out, both GREAT and OH MY TURTLES IT"S GONNA GET CRAZY.  LOL  
Briannah

Briannah

1

I wish our bodies came with manuals.

Every time I think I'm figuring out the changes in my body with age, most of which no one ever talked about in my family, something else goes weird.  I'm not talking the "falling apart, unable to live" state like my mom, but the constant parade of guessing how food is going to affect me, sleeping patterns, how easily I injure/bruise myself, changes in the rhythms of my asthma making it harder to predict after I'd had it down to a science, acid reflux crazy, little things that add up to both a me
Briannah

Briannah

2

I want today to be a good day.

Today is 18 years since that first date.  I took the day off, and Nikki took Sunday off, and we're going to have a three day weekend together.  I want it to be awesome.  I want him to actually enjoy himself, and have a good time, and to reconnect about something fun instead of trying to manage all the things going on, just for a few days.  Here's hoping. 
Briannah

Briannah

4

I think I"m making some moderate headway in habit changing.

So usually my add and natural personality has us living very by ear.  Planning is SO not my thing, and it has been an herculean effort to start developing that skill.   But the staycation and vacations after peak season are important to Nikki, downtime after that crazy work schedule, so I'm trying to be more organized about it to further reduce the stress on Nikki. Easier said than done, but I'm definitely making headway.  I have a menu list for staycation, no more arguments about what to eat. 
Briannah

Briannah

5

How do you know the difference?

Between you've drank the Kool-Aid, joined the paranoid tinfoil hat brigade, or are having a reasonable response to something? How do you REALLY know?  Because I might be over that line.  *closes prepper information websites*  Or the line is over me, and I'm just starting to realize things can slide really quickly.  I don't know.
Briannah

Briannah

4

Help, I"m not sure what to say in a job interview.

So...you're never supposed to say anything negative about former employers in interviews, it doesn't come across well.  But what do I do with the question of why I'm going to be taking a major paycut (most of the positions similar to mine pay much less) to work somewhere else?  The real reason is they've put me in a position where I have to break a variety of laws to do the job as they require of me, and I deeply don't like this.  At first I thought they didn't know and were going to get me the
Briannah

Briannah

2

Having a good day.

Just spent the last hour having my hair painted with my favorite green dye to repair the damage from the sun, spa, chlorine pool, hot tubs, therapy tub, and sea on vacation.  There was a girl with pink hair tipped in purple and me with my green, and by the end of the week she was completely blond again and I was almost there, with just the front part clinging to the green.  Looked like deliberately done modern streaking through, so I was somewhat happy with that.  It's really relaxing to sit aro
Briannah

Briannah

0

Happy Birthday Nikki!

The most important thing about today is its Nikki's birthday!   So obviously an important day to me.  I took him to lunch at Pizza Hut and we splurged on brownies.  No diets on birthdays!  Lol.  Right now he's playing the video game I got him Knights of Azure.  He was really interested in it for the female/female love story so I knew he had to have it!   It's cute so far I'm watching him play chilling out with my IPad.  He likes it when I hang out in here with him vs going to the computer room.
Briannah

Briannah

6

Haha! Turned tables!

Since we have decided sharing closets works for us, I have made my self at home in his comfy black knit cargo shorts.  I LOVE these shorts.  Next spring I am planning to buy several more, as these are fantastic shorts that don't ride up indelicately on me like my shorts.  I like the longer length and bigger pockets than on the female version I have.  Nikki complains a lot that I absconded with his shorts.  But they are COMFY.  Oh my god comfy.  And he absconded with my sparkly butterfly shirt, s
Briannah

Briannah

4

Had a really good week, now I'm pretty much on my own for a while.

Crazy times.  Things have been better inside my head since cutting my dad and his toxicity out.  It's been two months since anyone called me or my son stupid, loser, and waste of life.  That's a plus!   I had a total panic meltdown a couple weeks ago, I woke up around ten, (I still have that ongoing insomnia, and sleep very late at ngiht to late morning) and went down the stairs, and something wasn't right.  The air felt...wrong.  A little damp, a little too cool.  And then I noticed a light pat
Briannah

Briannah

0

Great now there is a Bree problem in the mix.

So as some of you know i sort of went on an obsessive research binge to understand transgenderism in general and specific to what is needed to make my marriage successful.  Only what isn't showing is that I'm still almost obsessively researching the social aspects of this.  And I do mean almost obsessionally.  And my friend M asked me why I'm stuck in this, and things gestalted.  I have a huge problem in this marriage that has nothing to do with Nikki's transgenderism, but is being triggered by
Briannah

Briannah

5

Good day.

Today is a very laid back day.  We stopped in at the doctors office to follow up on my lab work since I didn't get the call that the order was put in (The computers were dead at our doctors the day we went, my prescription made it the pharmacy but Nikki's didn't, they were struggling so hard) and no one called like they said to tell me I could go in whenever.  And sure enough the order wasn't in the computer, so the receptionist left a note for our doctor to enter it.  And follow up making sure
Briannah

Briannah

0

Follow up reaserach on artilcles really pays off.

No one here will be surprised when I mention my need for information to make ANY life choices, small or large, and vacation is not an exception.  I really don't understand my head here.  Researching the options = fun and entertainment to my brain, but actual specific planning sends me into a tailspin of resentment for my time and energy being sucked into the process.  So I'm always reading new things about everything I'm into, including cruising, and I like to read those 'things I wish I knew" a
Briannah

Briannah

0

First post - Today, just rambling thoughts.

EmmaSweet suggested I start a blog, and I think she has a point.  And never ask people for advice if you're not willing to try it!  So here I am, sorting out a lot of changes in my life.  So today, it's time to tackle a joint issue we both share.  Hoarding.  We're not going to show up on a tv show or anything, it's not the dramatically bad.  However, it runs in my family on both sides.  My mother is a hoarder, and getting worse as she ages.  And my father's mother was nearly tv show ready except
Briannah

Briannah

1

First move is happening. Save me.

So things are starting to happen faster now.  We have moved in with my mom as planned, and I am alternating between helping Nikki move things and cleaning mom's house.  (Seriously, it took three hours to go through the pantry and get out all the expired food from years 03 to 16).  And the rest of the house is insane, but I'm slowly taming it.  Mom is getting the better end of this deal, really.  Free cleaning and repairs and cooking until we sell and buy a new house.  Old house is nearly empty,
Briannah

Briannah

2

FInally feeling on more secure footing.

Just thinking about where i am today with Nikki.  THis is probably rambly and nonsensical as my add levels are high today and it's hard to focus.  It thought writing may help, but now I'm not entirely sure. So after a crazy whirlwind of two months, things have settled down greatly, progress is being made, and that feeling of living in a crisis (as far as Nikki is concerned, don't even get me started on the cat or the yard or house maitenance!) has mostly dropped away.  Both of us are occasionall
Briannah

Briannah

1

Faced a medical phobia.

I have a weird phobia about things being removed from my body.  I even had panic attacks over them removing my wisdom teeth back in my youth, and I'd been raised with the understanding that would happen, there has been no single member of my family who they fit in the mouths.  So last month I started getting severe abdominal issues, and first er said it was food poisoning (cuz you know, has to happen at midnight), but then four days later it happened again, and Nikki had no issues and we eat the
Briannah

Briannah

8

CRANKY.

Doing taxes.  Gyah.  Just argh.  Frustration.  Confusion.  HEadache.  And I'm using the Turbotax site that does most of the work for me but this is still irritation.  Nikki's on his own tonight, I'm too cranky to be alive.
Briannah

Briannah

1

Cranky

I have Nikki germs.  Decided to share the cold germs with me, ah the joys of marriage.  MEH!  I'm going to go whine at my favorite stuffed turtle for a while. 
Briannah

Briannah

0

Cold Weirdness

Watching Unusual Suspects while waiting to get sleepy(Deadly Women auto qeued this) and I think the cold medicine is making me wonky, but the murder victim's name is Brianna, and despite it being a pen name, it's really creepy to keep hearing "And he murdered Brianna..."  Mr. Plus Turtle says he'll defend me though.    I'm not sure I like cold medicine anymore.  I couldn't take anything for years, most of it contains pseudoephidrine, and you can't mix that with the daily powdered asthma control
Briannah

Briannah

0
×
×
  • Create New...