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About this blog

This is Bree's journal talking about how life changes, and how you grow with them (probably with the occasional freakout, I'm good at panic mode too!).  Life has been hard since day one, and not doing it alone is the key!

Entries in this blog

Rough week.

So last week sucked, lost our Yuriko.  The day of her vet appointment she was having seizure after seizure and we knew we were definitely taking her to the Final Visit, no hail mary last minute outs for my little kitty girl.  The offspring met us at the vet's to say goodbye and be with her as she went.  Horribly painful thing to do, but watching her the way she was was worse.  Nikki has been incredibly down and not much I do can help until time does it's work here.  Talked with Nikki about my st
Briannah

Briannah

4

Cat crisis averted, for the time being.

So...I'm starting to feel like some kinda superhero or something.  Nikki was messaging me all day, he's really upset about how the cat is doing, she's hasn't been eating and getting skinnier and skinnier.  So I told him stop at the pet store and get kitten canned food.  Which he couldn't find, so we settled on Iams.  The reason I was trying to find kitten specific food is that it has a much higher fat content to it, and I suspicion is very tasty.  Yuriko did everything she good to scarf Logan's
Briannah

Briannah

2

Waiting on bad news.

Took Nikki's favorite cat to the vet, her purr has gone weird and she lost a lotta weight, we thought she had a respiratory infection or something.  Unfortunately, it's looking like something and not an infection.  They are sending her xrays and labs out, but the prevailing thought right now is that our kitty girl has lung cancer.    So not happy right now, and desperately hoping for a hail mary your local vet was wrong, it's nothing.  I know she's 14, but I'm just not ready.
Briannah

Briannah

4

Still being me. :)

So between the cats and a very clumsy Bree trying to get the house ready for the holidays, I look like I tried to go ten rounds with a thorn hedge and a few with a hammer, but I'm making progress with everything.  A little triple antibiotic ointment does wonders for cat scratches by the way.  Ocean swimming does better, but I live a couple states away from that option now.  Oh, the days when I was only an hour away and could go all the time and soak up that wonderful water.  I don't know why it
Briannah

Briannah

4

I think I"m making some moderate headway in habit changing.

So usually my add and natural personality has us living very by ear.  Planning is SO not my thing, and it has been an herculean effort to start developing that skill.   But the staycation and vacations after peak season are important to Nikki, downtime after that crazy work schedule, so I'm trying to be more organized about it to further reduce the stress on Nikki. Easier said than done, but I'm definitely making headway.  I have a menu list for staycation, no more arguments about what to eat. 
Briannah

Briannah

5

How do you know the difference?

Between you've drank the Kool-Aid, joined the paranoid tinfoil hat brigade, or are having a reasonable response to something? How do you REALLY know?  Because I might be over that line.  *closes prepper information websites*  Or the line is over me, and I'm just starting to realize things can slide really quickly.  I don't know.
Briannah

Briannah

4

Ohio offers, but does not give.

A few glorious days of spring, then back to the 30's.  Like look what you COULD have Bree, but I'm not going to let you.  I'm going to make you be physically cold and stew while you're working through your latest emotional pissed offness.  Yesterday we were talking about our sex life in the car, and Nikki told me flat out he had been sexually bored for years, and he loves now that we're doing all sorts of new things.  And it didn't percolate right away.  I didn't like hearing that, was minorly a
Briannah

Briannah

1

Obligatory Bree is gonna talk about politics - aka my fear of Turmp isn't just about Trump.

I had a REALLY uncomfortable conversation with a friend of mine today who was worried that a third friend had offended me with a sort of inappropriate outburst of hate against Clinton in the middle of game raid night.  And I admitted it had made me really uncomfortable, but...not on the political front.  And then the conversation got way personal, and I realized that what scares me most isn't Trump himself and his crazy, dangerous things that he spouts. There is always that one person yelling cr
Briannah

Briannah

4

Restructering your whole life at once is hard.

It's like my entire life blew up all at once.  I never really realized how MUCH I'm capable of handling all at once, and still managing to be happy and helpful to others.  But at the same time, it's really hard when EVERY front in my life is changing dramatically all at once.  I keep feeling like I'm stressing out for no reason, and then I sat down and thought about WHY I'm having downward spirals and feel generally uneasy most of the time right now.  Nikki wants to think it's all him I think, b
Briannah

Briannah

4

Morning moment of confusion.

Nikki made a comment while I was plague moaning(I'm really whiny when I'm sick, I confess), that he'd been planning to spend all day until the gaming event tonight in girl mode, but me being sick required boy mode and I'd ruined his plans (In a joking manner, I don't think there was any resentment).  My response, after he figured out the words because my voice is cracked up, was "Does girl mode preclude me getting fed and taken care of?"  HIm: No... Me: Then what do I care?  Just gimme something
Briannah

Briannah

3

Reassurance in the funniest places.

So we went up to Toledo to do some shopping for xmas, much more selection up there than our town, and our favorite calzone place is on the way, so awesome lunch.  And while we're shopping, someone calls out to Nikki, and it took me a moment to place him, but it was our former roommate.  Sweet guy, and it was lovely to catch up.  I said he and his family should come down and I'll cook a dinner, and we could make the details on Facebook.  He said he thought I'd quit using it, it got dark on my wal
Briannah

Briannah

2

You have got to be kidding me.

We'd finally gotten settled with a good doctor, who knows about Nikki's issues and has been great with both his and mine, and the main office is closing our town's location.  ARGH!  Finding the right doctor and getting a comfortable relationship going is HARD.  *headdesk* 
Briannah

Briannah

3

Words Matter, and Bree finally figures out her changing sexuality.

I was talking with Nikki about something today, and he called this his problem.  I didn't like that.  This isn't our problem, this is our lifestyle.  The dog constantly dumpster and litter box diving, cats peeing anywhere they please, those are problems.  Nikki enjoying dressing en femme and needing his body hair as gone as we can make it?  Lifestyle.  Because language does dictate thought.  Ideas form from words, and the choice of words colors the thought.  And the only problem my husband has i
Briannah

Briannah

4

So, i'ts been a year. Aka How things are now. :)

As a couple: We're good.  Our marriage is strong, and we've been doing a lot of study on interpersonal skills as well as how brains, both the male and female, work in social relationships.  Some of our issues and misunderstandings cleared up from a really good Ted Talk about the role of hormones and physiological gender differences in the brain.  We're learning to communicate better than ever, and when and how to have deeper talks.  I'm super excited that Nikki landed a really good job the day a
Briannah

Briannah

1

I wish our bodies came with manuals.

Every time I think I'm figuring out the changes in my body with age, most of which no one ever talked about in my family, something else goes weird.  I'm not talking the "falling apart, unable to live" state like my mom, but the constant parade of guessing how food is going to affect me, sleeping patterns, how easily I injure/bruise myself, changes in the rhythms of my asthma making it harder to predict after I'd had it down to a science, acid reflux crazy, little things that add up to both a me
Briannah

Briannah

2

Can it really be...summer???

So I think summer has finally hit.  Or it's all a cruel, Bree-squashing joke of the weather and global warming.  But the pool is up, there has been swimming, Nikki's mood is lifting steadily as the Zoloft seems to be taking effect, and there is talk about getting the grill cleaned up and prepped for the season.  We planted one of those gorgeous Japanese Seiryu maples on the side of the house, please live little tree, take the transplant well.  Gave it root encouragement liquid (dunno what else t
Briannah

Briannah

3

Progress I guess.

​It's done.  By end of day tomorrow, my home will be listed.  It's a bunch of mix feelings, this is what is holding us back from moving forward, but it was MY HOME for eleven years, second longest I have lived anywhere, and longest Nikki has ever.  I'm not surprised, I have learned I really  hate endings of any kind, even when they are what I wanted.  So...now we are in the next phase, and this one sorta sucks.  There is nothing more I can do, it's just waiting until someone decides they want th
Briannah

Briannah

3

Living on hope of vacation.

So Nikki's back has been out for a while now, so I dragged him strait to the doctor Friday, based on the pain response from limb manipulation test, they think at this point it's an inflammation problem rather than an injury from all the physical labor we've been doing.  (I'm sore as anything too, but I still have full flexibility and only sore-pain not crazy pain like after the surgery I had or what he's feeling so I'm sure I'm just tired) and they gave us anti-inflammatory pills that are helpin
Briannah

Briannah

2

First move is happening. Save me.

So things are starting to happen faster now.  We have moved in with my mom as planned, and I am alternating between helping Nikki move things and cleaning mom's house.  (Seriously, it took three hours to go through the pantry and get out all the expired food from years 03 to 16).  And the rest of the house is insane, but I'm slowly taming it.  Mom is getting the better end of this deal, really.  Free cleaning and repairs and cooking until we sell and buy a new house.  Old house is nearly empty,
Briannah

Briannah

2

There be hope here!

So realtor lady after breaking the news gently that we'd missed the pricing bubble and our house was worth less than we hoped, said that we would know if she'd set the right price point, should have at least one showing a week.  So we set it, and our first week is now over (went up Monday). We've had three.  No ​offers yet, but I think I would be really surprised if my house sold in five days or less.  But I really want it to sell asap.  But that's good news, people are taking the time to go loo
Briannah

Briannah

2

I want today to be a good day.

Today is 18 years since that first date.  I took the day off, and Nikki took Sunday off, and we're going to have a three day weekend together.  I want it to be awesome.  I want him to actually enjoy himself, and have a good time, and to reconnect about something fun instead of trying to manage all the things going on, just for a few days.  Here's hoping. 
Briannah

Briannah

4

So apparently I do have more need for external validation than I thought.

I was just watching a video on YouTube posted by Phil DeFranco's wife (he's a funny youtuber with a take on the news I often enjoy and watch sometimes) and she is describing a break in that had happened to them, and talking about it made her cry.  After we had the break in, I couldn't talk about it without falling to pieces either, and I wasn't entirely sure why, as we were not injured and yes we lost a lot of things, but we were okay and it was over.  Watching someone else struggle with the sam
Briannah

Briannah

1

Bad week.

Having a crap week, and am going offline for a bit to sort it all out.  ​ Last week I was feeling...odd.  Especially late at night.  Saturday night I felt really odd, and checked my fitbit, and had a crazy high pulse rate for laying down.  40 bpm above my usual resting rate doing nothing.  So after goofling symptoms off the er I want, were I spent the next five ours waiting to find out if I was having a heart attack, pneumonia, viral infection, acid reflux onset, or a mineral deficiency (and tho
Briannah

Briannah

1

And that week of work is finally over.

SERIOUSLY I hate my job.  Nikki did the math, and barring any unforeseen financial emergencies (I can hear the peanut gallery laughing at the girl who thinks life is going to cooperate and nothing major will break in the last five months) it's looking like August is my exit day.  This week was just stupid.  Paperwork going wrong, customers being weird, half the people on vacation, half of who was left getting seriously ill.  If I have to forcibly tell one more person "I am reception/accounts rec
Briannah

Briannah

2

Laugh, Cry, or just kill the neighbors.

Seriously, some days I don't even know.  Nikki has gotten a diagnoses, so that's good, however, he's been on a roller coaster of moods because next she wants to talk about the childhood abuse.  So from moment to moment I have very little idea what is going on in his head right now  and keep 'stepping in it' as it where.  I wish I was better with the random, he needs support not clumsy right now.  The dog comes in last night, and apparently found something that died horribly and instead of avoid
Briannah

Briannah

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