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Christy

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About this blog

Finally being honestly true to myself! What an adventure this can be, if I allow myself to enjoy it.....

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My wife brought this up to me. I said “What?”

My wife started talking about our relationship and her feelings the other day. This was of course great and I pretty much just listened. Shoving peanut butter in my mouth seems to help with that. 😉. One thing she mentioned that was bothering her was: “your always on your phone or iPad, it’s like your not even here. Your just as bad as the kids”. What!....no I’m not. I started to get defensive but I caught myself quickly. Trying to come up with some elaborate logical ideas for me being on my phone I racked my brain. “Well I do watch a lot of seminars on YouTube you know, I have been learning a great deal about many topics” HA. Then I started telling her about  telomeres at the end of the DNA strand which might be a key to the aging problem. Which is true by the way. I really do like to learn about all kinds of stuff rather then watch CSI or Big Bang theory or some other mindless show. Don’t get me wrong I do like some of those shows but only to decompress. Anyway, I stopped myself in mid stream and said “I didn’t realize I was doing that and I’ll be more aware of it from now on”. I have been pretty good so far but it made me think of something I read in “the gendered self”. I was re-reading it this morning and pow! Page 73,74. She wrote the following: A little-known fact about both sexes migrating to living in the opposite gender role is that no matter what the direction of transition, transitioners seem to undergo a “second adolescence.” There is a marked retro shift in behavior from the adult they chronologically are toward temporarily acting more like a teenage boy or a teenage girl.
This second adolescence seems more marked for male-to-female individuals. Like cisgendered teenage girls, MTFs become very self-centered, are overly concerned with their appearance and often spend hours on the phone or online talking to others going through a similar experience. Spouses staying with their partners through the process complain about this frustrating aspect of the transition more than any other. Behavior befitting a teenage girl does not seem to sit well with a significant other when practiced by a 40- or 50-year-old partner. Crap. That’s me. I’m a teenage girl! Or acting like one anyway. Busted. So, I have set up time for everything. Time management. But I just can’t help myself sometimes. Lol 😂 On the plus side I understand my kids a bit more so that is cool.  I didn’t see any of this coming....what’s next I get cranky once a month? Sometimes I can be a bit of an mule.  life is great and what an adventure! Christy/Kerry?😍  

Christy

Christy

Coming out day

So it’s been a big week for this kid 🧒 I had my wife go to therapy with me. Then she made her own appointment for 2 days later and that went well also. She is talking to me more about life in general, and just a bit of GID stuff. Cool 😎. Then I went to a meeting for the first time ever with my parents. That went pretty well considering they have had no contact with transgender people. (That they were aware of). So heck we are on a roll! Why not come out to my sister! So I did. I called her with the intent to just talk and cheer her up, she was down on Saturday when we were texting. I haven’t spent much time on the phone with her lately and wanted to catch up anyway. We were talking about regular life subjects and she has also been aware of my drinking and how it effected my marriage. As a side note the drinking issue disappeared completely after opening up and excepting that I was transgender. Hrt helped as well. That’s huge. The marriage also improved. My sister started asking questions about the relationship and as I was filling her in. I found myself having to be vague about things. Namely the stress load my wife is under. I didn’t like the way it was making me feel so I just told her. She went silent for a second probably because I am a bit of a jokester but then realized I was being serious. I gave her the whole rundown on my life and how it effected me. It all went very well as I figured it would because she is a strong lbgt supporter. She actually started to cry at one point because she felt so bad that I had to endure so much pain for so long. I let her know I appreciated her empathy and it was making me emotional. Then I told her to cut it out. I am finally happy with myself and everything else had to happen. I have a beautiful life and a beautiful family. Even if we don’t stay together we will be just fine in the long run. I think the thing that really hit home with her was the fact that I had to except the fact that in order to be free I might lose everything I love. She seemed to reflect on that for a bit. Honestly it went as well as I could hope for. I sent her some information to help her get a better understanding of what this all means and will follow up with her tomorrow. She said “I always wished I had a sister”. Well you kind of got your wish. We both laughed. I know she will have a fare amount of questions in the future and I am looking forward to that. So all in all, it was really great week and I feel proud of how far I come but I always know that life has it ups and downs. This has also had a little side effect that I didn’t see coming, the desire to present in a more feminine manner has increased. I like that. Also today when I got out of the shower and saw myself in the mirror as I always do there was something different. Maybe it’s just in my head but I looked more female than male. I really had to stop and look. My legs, my butt, hips, waist, ribs, chest, arms, neck, face and hair. Wow. I was starting to see the future me. I think? Anyway it really made my day and probably is why I wanted to dress it up a notch. Now.....who can I tell next? Christy

Christy

Christy

My parents joined me at a group meeting!

So, the Pflag meeting (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) went well. They should add a T in there but hey who am I to mess with the system. I have been to this meeting before and there are some really great people there. I wanted to give my parents a chance to see and meet some other parents as well as some transgender people. They have been asking for guidance. It is a diverse group and I see some of the individuals at other groups. Everyone is really nice. Except when they start spitting fire at the right then it gets ugly. Anyway, my mom was noticeably uncomfortable from the moment I saw them in the parking lot. I pulled them aside and said that they didn't have to go or they could leave at anytime but she insisted on going. She asked very nervously "What should we call you?" so I explained that they could refer to me how ever they like. It doesn't matter to me at all. "you can't make any mistakes with me, he, she, her, him it just doesn't bother me in the least." "I'll let you know when and if it ever does become important, but for know just relax." Some people will care about their pronouns but they will let you know what they want. "even if you make a mistake with someone else they will understand because you are just learning all this stuff." They get it. My dad on the other hand was completely fine with everything. Totally cool and was engaged in the conversations. My mom could barely speak which is not like her at all. Remember they have had zero experience with the LGBTQ++4.0-bitrgx community. They are very nice people and my mom spends all her time helping other people. She really does more than anyone I have ever met. She was raised Catholic and still goes to church every week. I was raised Catholic but I don't believe in a punishing God and will only go with her once and a while because it makes her happy. I am a very spiritual person though and I hold nothing against the churches of the world at all. I let that one go a long long long time ago. The majority of the people are good. My dad was raised in the same fashion. Both of their lives were dealt a heavy duty blow very young and the trauma for both of them was and still is great. They are troopers though and looked inside themselves to find the strength to get through life and what a great job they did. Dad will not go into a church anymore except when it is super important for my mom, but the fear that he may just catch on fire is still present. LOL My father doesn't really judge anyone, unless they are doing something really stupid that will cause undo harm. My mom will. All the time. Everyday. but she is oblivious to this fact no matter how many times my siblings and I have tried to help her in this matter. Years and years. I'm the only one that has not given up on her and she is getting closer to seeing this. So this was a big moment for her...know wonder she was sooo fearful. She was going to have to take a close look at her judgements and the first one was great. We walked into the room (mom all shy) and some of my friends were already sitting around chatting. I went and said hello and then introduced them to my parents. One friend is 6'8" tall and very masculine in voice and appearance but she is super nice and she talked with me at some of my first meetings. Nice girl, and she is still married so I was asking some questions on that when we met. One of my other friends is about a year and a half into her transition and looks really good but still obviously male, great make up still working on the pitch but still married as well. Another one that is 19 and wants to tear down the walls of injustice because she has it figured out and drapes the LGBTQ++4.0-bitrgx Flag over herself like a military suit. She is nice as well but just young and I am worried that she is going to piss off the wrong people very soon as she gets bolder. Seriously, I am worried for her. My dad met everyone with a "hey nice to meet ya" kind of greeting and my mom just said hello. Oh yeah,  they were both dressed very nicely like they were going out to a fancy restaurant while everyone else is very casual. I told them to come casual but.... My dad was a bit taken back by my big friend, kind of like holy shi.. wow but "hey nice to meet ya." My mom was like a little church mouse, prim and proper always making sure to smile and be kind. We all shared how we came out and what it was like and then the other parents gave there point of view on their experiences. Today is national coming out day so that was the topic. The meeting ended and there was a cake for the young rebel who was celebrating a year since coming out as TG but my parents were out the door quickly. I walked them out and had a long talk with them outside for awhile trying to help them understand some things. My parents did very well for their first meeting and said they will come back for the next one. I also explained that everyone is different and transition means different things for different people. "I am me, and you know who I am on the inside" so don't confuse me with others. Please. They said they would support me no matter what and will always be there for me with nothing but love. So, that's cool. It's going to take some time for both of them to wrap their heads around this but we will work on that. I'm sure my mother was preying for me last night and today. Cool by me. I will post about what happens in the future. NEXT up....well it is coming out day so I guest I'll call my sister. I am pretty nervous about this but it should go fine. I was hoping to do it in person but that doesn't seem like it will workout. I'm not going to push it I guess, I will just start with a Hello and go from there.😍 Christy or maybe.....Kerry? That's another story.  

Christy

Christy

 

Having an open mind and letting go

So I’ve been trying my best to get out of my own way. I took some advice from people here and from my therapist. I was having a hard time letting go of my own desire to make my marriage work. My wife had become very quiet and she was avoiding me in little ways. This started to make me anxious. Oh no she is going to call it quits!? I calmed myself down and remembered what everyone was telling me. Give her space. She needs time. She is transitioning too. Yes, I understand all of that and agree but it was tough for me to let go. So I used some tools that I’ve picked up along the way and finally let go. Truly let go. It was a relief and kind of sad as well because a piece of me felt like I was giving up on my marriage. I stuck with it, working out all the bugs in my own head. Well most of them anyway. Time went by. Then on Monday my wife asked if she could come to my therapy appointment. Wow 😮. Yes of course you can I would love for you to join me. Then we talked about the things she has been thinking about and I just listened letting her know that I was paying close attention to what she was saying. I added a couple of my thoughts but mostly just listing. This is difficult for me as I am a chatter box but I’ve been working on that as well. I have spent a lot of time working on the family relationships getting my kids to open up about their lives and my parents as well. All that work has been paying off amazingly and everyone seems to be doing really good. I hate calling it work by the way. Anyway, I think my wife is finally starting to realize that this is not going away so she took a step down an unknown road full of fear. When I met her at the therapist office she was panicking and I could see she was scared. I reassured her that everything was going to be okay and if she wanted to leave at any point she could. I would understand. She stayed and we had one of the most honest talks ever. She was open, I was open and the therapist interjected at seemingly just the right time. It was great, by the end she was feeling better and she actually made her own appointment to help her with the stress. She is there right now! She had been so worried that I was going to start talking about being transgender at any moment that she couldn’t be close to me. So she just pulled away and kept herself busy with other things. She said that even watching tv was a problem because there were transgender issues all over the place. News, tv shows etc. We both started laughing and being able to see humor in it helped a lot. She understands that she is hyper sensitive to the topic but was also amazed at how she glossed over transgender content before. Never really taking notice. I think a lot of people are like that. We also set some ground rules for ourselves, you have to ask before bringing it up. If the other person says no, then the conversation must wait until they are open to it. This set her mind at ease. So thanks to you all! You have helped me greatly and get this...I leave in a bit for a PFlag group meeting with my parents! Wow! I am a bit nervous about that but hey I’m going. I’ll let you know how that turns out. 😍 This will be the first time they see a tiny bit of Christy so I am going to girl it up just a hair. I want them to be as comfortable as possible. What a night!😊 Christy

Christy

Christy

The universe speaks again.

Another sign from the Universe!       This happened not to long after the event in my previous blog post. There had been enough time for me to really think about the desire to be female and what this meant to me. I still had no idea that people could transition from male to female. I knew nothing about HRT or surgeries except that maybe some people just cut it off with some form of stitched up hole. I know that sounds crude but it was the truth. I tried to learn more from the library but I didn’t feel comfortable to ask for help so I just fumbled around without much success. In the meantime, I was pushing for all male with muscles and I was ripped. I was terrified that my roommates would figure out my secret and then tell everyone back home, making it impossible for me to return. What would my family think? Friends? Crap…no way. I was very cautious and I started to distance myself from acting as well which is a shame because I really enjoyed it. I belonged to the BH playhouse for a while to expand my range and practice. I had a shell around me that I had built up over the years and it was thick. My acting coach was pushing me to open up but I was too afraid and I fought her on it. I also didn’t really know how to. One day she was able to get me to open up just a bit during an exercise in class. I was supposed to walk in circles in front of the class and present all the emotions I could think of. Reflect on my life and show those emotions to the world. My Coach “Joselin” (I’m pretty sure that was her name) was pushing me as I walked the circle. “Show me Joy, sad, fear”, she said as I circled the stage. My circle was becoming wider and wider with every loop. Then she yelled “show me anger!” Boom. What came out of me was complete rage to the point that it scared her and the others in the class. To be honest, it scared the crap out of me as well. The crazy thing is I really enjoyed it. I felt some sort of control and release that was new to me and that scared me the most. She told me after class how well I did and how powerful my performance was. “Great job”. I never went back and I never took another act gig. I was terrified of what might come out and I needed to protect my secret at all costs. So, I focused on really dangerous stuff like riding my motorcycles around the canyons and up the PCH at ridiculous speeds. Riding Mulholland hwy. (which is really just a twisty 2 lane road on the mountain range) at speeds so fast that the hot race tires slid across hot pavement which I didn’t even think was possible. But there I was fighting my demons the only way I knew how too. I had to concentrate so hard on riding that I couldn’t think about anything else, it was extreme focus that gave me a super endorphin rush. I then started stunt work. Why not. After taking some stunt jobs and making my way into the super macho men’s world, where guys where tough as nails and could kick butt I was feeling like yeah this will work. This is my path, still in the entertainment business with all the perks but none of the crap. Great. That is when the universe laid another one at my feet. I was still working at night in a club as a Bouncer/Bartender/Waiter/Manager to make ends meet as I built up more stunt jobs and my roommate worked at the same club. I had the night off and was just planning to hang out at home and my roommate was working so cool I will just relax. After he got off work early he called me. “Dude, Dude you have to come down here now. There are 2 super-hot girls in the club from Las Vegas and they want to hang out but I need a wing man for the blonde one. She is smokin!” he screamed into the phone. I said no but he droned on about how I can’t let him down “You owe me dude” which I did. So, I agreed to go down and check it out but if she wasn’t “Smokin” I was going to be pissed. I get to the club to meet up with them. He was not lying they were really beautiful and I was feeling like this is going to be a good night. They were both very nice and I was having a nice time with them but something was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something. All the other guys were hitting on them as well but no one really stepped on my toes, they were just flirting. The more we hung out the more I started to think there was something off about her but she was so beautiful. Nobody else seemed to notice anything weird so I rolled with it and was excited about what might happen. Then someone from work asked if I could lend a hand with someone at the door so I excused myself for a minute. When I was helping out, another girl from work pointed out that the blonde girl is a transsexual show girl from Las Vegas that has fully changed her sex. I don’t remember how she knew but she knew all about her. Another girl said no way! I was like holy crap and I was so excited about it. That explains it and I wanted to ask a million questions but no. That was it for me I had to leave. So, I politely excused myself told my buddy I was leaving and went home. This whole time at the club was about an hour. I could take no chances that anyone finds out that I really wanted to be her. I was too afraid. I was so pissed at myself for leaving, for being weak, for not having the courage. I went home, did a couple of shots, smoked some buds and convinced myself that I made the correct decision. Over. Done. I’ll never see them again anyway. I was just about to hop in bed when the front door flies open and there they are in my kitchen. My roommate brought them home! Shi…..! Now I am all buzzed and relaxed so I proceed to hang out with them. They were doing shots and smoking weed and we had a blast. Then the blonde girl asked me if I would take her up to the roof pool to check out the view and smoke a bowl as the other two went into the bedroom. I said sure. So, there I was sitting on a lounge chair next to this beautiful woman with our legs rubbing smoking a bowl of weed. Good smooth weed at that. Anyway, she looked me in the eye’s really close and put her hand on my thigh. They were so blue and beautiful that they sparkled. At that moment, I knew she was giving herself to me, however I wanted it to be. I couldn’t speak. Nothing would come out of my mouth. She had this sexy blue dress and a slamming nice body but I couldn’t speak. There was a heated pool and a hot tub right behind me and not another soul around. Any other night I would have already been in the hot tub. A million thoughts ran through my head, I really wanted to kiss her, have sex, feel her chest, ask questions, how did you change? Were you really a boy? When did you do this? Can you help me do this? Was it painful? Do you have a vagina? What is it like? Does it work? Did your boobs grow? Are they implants? Help me Please I want to be Like you!!!! I want to be a girl too!!!! I was so scared that I started to shake a bit. If I start down this path will I be able to stop when I want? I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t breathe. At this point she realized that I wasn’t comfortable and started talking about other things. Small talk really. I am pretty sure that she knew I knew and didn’t want to freak me out so she asked if there was a rest room. So, back to the apartment and then shortly after the other girl wanted to leave and I passed out on my bed. She was gone. I can picture her face and eye’s so clearly in my mind. I have never forgotten that beautiful girl, that opportunity I missed and I still regret it. A couple of years later she was featured on Entertainment Tonight with her boyfriend and soon to be husband. I just happened to be watching at that moment with my new live in girlfriend. My jaw dropped, I couldn’t believe it and I turned to looked at my beautiful girlfriend who was standing there in her panties with a smile. I have tried to find a copy of that show but to no avail. The next one will be shorter....I think.   Christy😍  

Christy

Christy

 

Opportunity missed

An old regret of a missed opportunity for me to learn who and what I was is the topic. Of which I have many. This one I have released to the universe. I have described this one a bit in the past but I will go into more details than before and hopefully you can see the profound meaning that it had. Which I sensed at the time but didn’t truly realize until I admitted to myself I was transgender. I was 21 living Hollywood California on N Fuller Ave. in an apartment  building called “The Pinnacle”. I did not choose this building personally it just worked out that way. The building was nice and new and I loved living there. I had been dressing in secret since I was 7 or 8 and by this point I knew I really wanted to be a girl but didn’t understand why. (Or that it was possible) I thought I had a fetish or was just perverse and was full of shame living on N Fuller Ave. I slowly started meeting many people and with the whole hair band craze going on I felt comfortable to try and experiment with tight jeans that were more androgynous and tops. I started letting my hair grow out and wear eyeliner. I of coarse really loved it and had some girlfriends that helped me. Some of them were models and I freakin loved the way they looked. There was no judgments about this because it was a rocker kind of thing and the girls liked it. I hooked up with a lot of super hot girls during this time but was always cautious about who I hooked up with. AIDS (HIV) which was the term used back then was a big deal and almost considered a slow death sentence. I thought I was living the dream and the life of a rock star. Which I kind of was but with out the fame. I wanted to move forward with presenting myself in a more female way but when I pushed it I received blowback from my male roommates and some friends. Statements like dude what the f.... are you wearing. There was a lot of testosterone and homophobia/transphobia during this time. I also didn’t know if I was gay. Was I?? Is that what this is?? During this time I had one sexual experience with a man but I didn’t go looking for it. It was a casting couch thing where he promised me something if I let him give me a blow  job. I did and I had an orgasm very quickly but hated the experience.u I couldn’t believe I allowed this to happen and it messed me up in the head for years. I became extremely homophonic and said to myself “no freakin way” so I pushed the macho man forwgard big time making every effort to distance myself from being gay. I built my body to an even higher level. I was ripped and proud of it plus it gave me access to more girls. I never look at guys and thought they were attractive anyway. I actually thought guys were disgusting. Penises and hairy..... yuck. So what the hell does this MEAN! and the fear grew. There was one club that I would go to every now and then called “Peanuts” on  Santa Monica Blvd. which had a so called “straight night” and I would only go if someone else suggested it. I did get to see and meet some transgender people there or cross dressing boys or transvestite‘s or whatever they were. I did understand the difference about any of it and was so full of fear and shame that I could barely speak at times but I could dance. I was apparently pretty good and girls liked to dance with me. One night I was dancing with 2 really cute girls and having a blast. My friends were striking out with the ladies and wanted to leave but they were my ride. I could walk home from there and really I knew I was going to hook up with the 2 girls. Yeah! 2 girls! Golden! “You guys suck I’m not going anywhere are you guys crazy?!” The environment was awesome anyway I was doing shots with David Lee Roth just minutes earlier at the bar for crying out loud! This was when he was at the height of his career and kind of like a legend. So I stayed and they left. I started getting closer to the 2 girls and then we were talking with music blasting so we were right up next to each other. Cheek to cheek. I was extremely attracted to both of them they were funny and just great. At the end of the night the music stopped and the lights came up a bit I realized they weren’t girls. They were boys with boobs. I was freakin fascinated! But terrified at the same time. Did they have a hairy penis? Yuck. Is it possible to get that changed to a vagina? I might have heard something about that on Phil  Donahue or somewhere else but holy crap “what do I do!?!” Run. I ran like the wind all the way back home literally. Cursing this deception, this trick they played on me as I tried to convince myself I couldn’t be attracted to them. But I was and I started to think more and more and more about it. I regretted not being brave enough when that opportunity was placed at my feet. It might have saved me a lot of suffering and I probably would have had a much better night too. 😊  Everything happens for a reason so oh well and I let it go.  But that’s not all the universe had planned for me... Shortly after that another opportunity was laid at my feet and I had absolutely nothing to do with it...... I don’t think there could have been a better way for the universe to speak to me.  

Christy

Christy

 

Learning through time and communication.

“I will give her space & time but I also need to nudge the conversation when I feel she is open to it.” So... I asked my wife if she wanted to have lunch yesterday and she immediately said no I can’t, I have to be on a call for work. I only came out to her at the beginning of August and things have been tense around the house since then. Actually things have been tense for awhile now do to my drinking over being transgender but since admitting this to myself I haven’t felt the need to drink. Gone. Zero. Very cool and amazing to me but that’s for another post. Anyway, She avoids the topic of me being transgender unless I bring it up. I said okay honey maybe another day. Then about 10 mins later as I was about to leave she said “my meeting was canceled so yes she could go.” Great! I believe I caught her off guard and she wanted to avoid any conversation about me being transgender and then re-evaluated the decision. I will have to ask her about that at a later date just so I can understand better. We had a nice lunch at a local place (it was the first restaurant we went to when we moved here) and the food was great. I could tell she was nervous about me bringing up the trans issue so I bought up regular life stuff for awhile and then when she seemed comfortable enough I asked how she was feeling about all of the gender issues. Straight away she said “I don’t feel any differently about this “. I just responded okay honey I understand. She than took a moment and then told me that when she was at the grocery store she saw a man in a dress. (Her face tensed up like she just ate something tart) I think she saw a transgender woman I’m guessing but maybe a crossdresser and now looking back at it I should have asked if she knows what the difference is, I’ll have to ask her about that later. “Boobs and everything.” She said. She told me that for her it was like “getting a punch in the gut.” “She looked like a woman boobs and all but it was definitely a man, I could tell “. I explained to her that I empathized with her feelings and was sorry that she experienced that but what she was see’s in others is not me. She is projecting what she fears onto me. She is aware of this but can’t help herself and I understand. I explained to her that when I see a transgender person or a cross dresser that is not passing well it bothers me as well (an uneasy feeling) but,  as time goes by it’s not so shocking. It doesn’t seem so unnatural I guess. It takes time and understanding and really I still suffer from transphobic feelings and fears myself that I have developed over a life time. This takes time and understanding which I will need to work through. I told her “That is not me and I will not be throwing on a dress, heels and makeup to run around town.” This is true for me for the foreseeable future. I then explained to her what being transgender means to me. “This is an exploration of who I am and what I have known about myself all my life. If I don’t take on this challenge and truth about myself It could possibly kill me.” I also told her very clearly and calmly that “I am not ashamed of who and what I am. I am not afraid to be open about it. I am not going to hide or cowher from the world.” I respect my wife and her wishes so there is no need for her to worry about me showing up in a dress anytime soon. I would like her to be apart of this experience and exploration but only when she is ready. “So please honey, ask questions”. Well, we had a giggle about it then talked about other things in life like kids and work. A few minutes later she said that she wanted to go to therapy with me and maybe she will block off her calender for my weekly appointment. WOW!! I smiled. “That’s great and it will help us”. I also told her that she might want to go alone as well because it would help if I wasn’t there. She could speak more freely. She said yes. I told her to take her time and work that out as we go. I also bought up an idea that I have been discussing with my mom and therapist. I trust my sister very much and we talk about life together especially my marriage and drinking. So I want to come out to my sister and then my wife would have someone to talk to about this transgender issue that she trusts and feels comfortable with. My wife said ”That’s okay with me. That might be good.“ That’s when I stopped talking about transgender issues. I think it was enough for her to absorb and end that part of the conversation on a positive note. After lunch we walk into some shops that she wanted to check out and then a new spa that just opened up. As we walked back passed the restaurant we just had lunch in I pointed out a flyer on the window. Saturday night!! Dinner and a drag show!! $30 per person!!! 3 acts!! I said hey look honey we should come back here for dinner tomorrow😊. We both laughed and she said “I’m not ready for that yet “. Fare enough but she did say YET! Uhmmmm. So, all in all with a little patience and care while nudging her to communicate it seems like we might just have a chance. Hope is a powerful thing and this did lift my spirits. Later in the day she was sitting at the kitchen table and I came over to ask a question. I had just gotten changed to go to the movies and put on a tight top & Jean’s. I am always freezing in the theater so I was planning on putting a sweatshirt over my tight T-shirt. Let’s me be honest here I wanted to have my boobs stand out. I didn’t want to show them off to the family though. I just forgot what I was wearing. As I was asking her a question (and I find this funny) all she could stare at was my boobs! So, when her eyes finally came up to meet mine I gave her the obligatory look of hey my eyes are up here😘.  Very funny 😄. I know she is curious about my physical changes because I have caught her checking me out every now and then but I’m not going to push that topic yet. She will bring it up when she is ready. So...with life’s ups and downs I move forward in this new journey of mine and I must say that yesterday was unanticipated and awesome😊. Today has also been a great day as well. HOPE ! Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

SCConference

I was looking forward to going to the conference for weeks but as it got closer I began to get nervous. I went with 2 friend which made it easier for me to go and harder for me to back out. One of my friends freaked out and almost didn't go but he pulled through. The point is that it was an unexpected build up of anxiety. Anyway...The conference was at The Riverside Hotel in Fort Lauderdale, FL and the accommodations were nice overlooking the beach in the distance and the river. The street Las Olas was full of little shops, restaurants and had a hip vibe to it with lots to do. I arrived early in the morning and my room was ready so I went up to change into something nice. I took a shower and shaved my body then picked out what I wanted to wear. My friends arrived shortly after and came up to my room. My friend Rachael was nice enough to lend me some of her makeup and then guide me through what to do. It came out pretty good for my first time ever! I am a tomboy TG girl and will probably never wear heavy makeup anyway. The natural look is for me or at least that's what I think for now. We went down to the conference to checked in and every single person was so nice and helpful. If you needed anything there was someone to help you. We went to whatever seminar was of interest to us individually and also some together. There were Doctor's talking about surgery's top, bottom, FFS, SRS etc., Lawyers talking about the laws and what your rights are, A wonderful women from TSA answering questions about travel, Makeup seminars, Comportment seminars, Wigs, Hair, pretty much everything. I do wish they had some vendor though. Everything was held on the 8th floor of the hotel which had a giant wrap around deck with comfy seating. Great space. There were people from all over and every age. Although I didn't see any youngsters. We broke for lunch and I invited a women I was chatting with to come to lunch with us. She writes a blog called Ronda's Escape but I haven't had time yet to check it out. She is very nice and the restaurant at the hotel was right on the water. We all enjoyed great food while chatting and watching the boats cruse by. (The restaurant is called the Boat House). After lunch we went back in for some more seminars. The first one was a general session and the speaker Marie was from the TSA. Marie's job is to help the TSA understand the transgender community and train the employees. She was full of great knowledge and took many questions regarding travel. There were a ton of things that I never knew about like you can call for a person to escort you through. If you need it. I then went to a seminar on wigs and walking which was pretty good and then the FFS surgeon. After the seminar he gave free consultations! At this point the clock is ringing 5pm and I head up to the wig ladies room for a test fitting (sorry I can't remember her name) and she said she would touch up my makeup too. Great! I have never tried on a wig before so I was a bit nervous. After picking out a wig to wear for the night and her putting on heavy makeup (which I hate) we were ready to go out for the night. We hung at the hotel socializing for a while and then down the street for dinner. This was the first time going out as Christy in public and I enjoyed the night. After dinner we went back to the 8th floor where lots of people were dancing and sing kereoke or just lounging around on the patio. It was nice to just talk with people about their lives and experiences. Then off to bed around midnight.The next day I did a yoga class on the terace and then had a complementary breakfast with everyone. We went to more seminars, lunch and then a fun pool party (what a site that was for the tourists) before I had to leave. Later they had a big fancy dinner but they were sold out. All in all it was a great trip. The room was $150 for an upgrade. $50 for the conference. We ate out 3 times costing about $75 total. I could have done the whole conference for under $200 easily if I wanted. Okay so that is the basics and hear is what I learned about myself on this trip. I love my friends and the support we give to each other is fantastic. I can trust them. It was pretty scary going out on the street at night. I absolutely hated the wig and the heavy makeup. Hated it! It is very important for me to look and feel natural, Comfortable. Getting made up to look like a doll was fun for a night but that is not me. Good to know right? I would rather look androgynous and real then pretty and fake. I am not sure that makes sense but that is me. I like to wear some tight jeans with a nice cotton t-top and sandels. Very little/light makeup and I love to smell good. My skin and nails are done nice but not over the top. Some nice sparkle stud ear rings and a cap or something until my hair grows out. I would have had a better time going out at night if I just dressed the way I wanted too but that's how I learn. The next day I did just that. Also high heels hurt I don't know how people wear them all day. Ridiculous. Why don't you just stick a fork in my foot. LOL The funny thing is yesterday I went to my therapy appointment dressed just like I wanted with no makeup (just did't have time) and people were saying miss and girl. It caught me off guard at first but then I started to expect it. I even added on a couple of extra errands to keep the vibe going. I guess I have changed more than I thought. The whole experience taught me a lot about myself and the transgender community in general. I feel far more confident with myself as well. I will be looking for more events to go to and I might try a Meet Up group. They have groups for everything, Bowling, Running, Dancing, Singing, Art, Beach and more. Live Love Learn Christy😍    

Christy

Christy

 

Live Love Learn

Live Learn and Love....you pick the order. As life rolls on I learn more about myself, the world and everything becomes just a bit clearer. Now I have been through a bunch of ups and downs lately that have really tested my resolve but just as the tide comes in I know it will go out. I choose to ride each wave as best I can and even though I will never catch them all I keep trying. When my body is spent and trying to ride another wave is pointless I rest and reflect on all the one's I caught and lost. Learning from others can help me catch the next one by watch, talking and by them pointing out my mistakes. This is the foundation of life for me. The foundation needs to be strong otherwise the home will be weak and fall or more appropriately get knocked over by someone else, sometime by accident and sometimes on purpose. My wife and I are surviving but not living not loving each other. The silents in the house on the matter of me being trans is so loud that I can hardly breath at times. This causes me to panic, search for an answer or relief but I know from a life time of searching that the dark hallway is nowhere I want to be. So, I open my mouth and start to speak, I force the conversation just so I can breath but what I really feel like doing is running. As my wife and I talk about this Transgender dilemma we find just a bit of peace. She has said "yes I will go to therapy with you" and a weight was lifted but my body is still carrying far more weight than my soul can handle. We have been getting alone but she is distant and I don't feel any love or respect from her. She has told me that she will not be able to handle me becoming a women. I don't blame her for making that statement as I have asked myself if she was to become a man how would I feel? I guess I would try and see how it goes. I'm not sure where our lives would go. So, how can I ask her to give it a shot without understanding the big picture. My mom has felt the need to run to her side and make the "well being of the kids" the priority. What ever we do the kids my come first. Of course mom and wife. My wife and mother are terrified that I will throw on a dress and start running around town. LOL. This is an exploration of my gender Identity with one goal at hand. To find out what and where I can just be me without the pain and suffering that I have haunted my soul for a lifetime. That is exactly it, MY SOUL and it is finally time to breath. I don't know if we will stay together or divorce but I do know that I will try my best to be the type of human being my family can be proud of. I actually feel like I should let her go so she can be free. Am I holding on out of fear of being alone? Is she trying to hold on out of guilt or shame? Does she want to be free of me? Do I want to be free of her? There are pros and cons on both sides of the list. Do I want to look closely at that list? The last thing I want to do is harm anyone including myself. We will hopefully hash some of this out at the therapy meeting but I know this is going to take time. Somedays I am happy and content to go slow and basically be me as I am now. Other days I am running for the door to transform like Wonder Women spinning around. What is up with that? My GP put me on some non addictive antidepressants to help with the extreme levels of anxiety that I would get once in a while. I felt like a zombie, no real emotions and that was a bummer so I got off them. Plus I just don't like taking pills (yes that is ironic). He gave me something else just to get through the really tough times but I have had no need for them yet. Before I made the commitment to explore my gender farther I had to get to a place in my mind and accept that I will probably lose everything in my life that I love. Or close to it. "If you love something set it free and if it comes back to you it was meant to be". I guess I am going to set her free and give her the freedom to choose without the guilt of me hanging on. Anyway that's the plan and we will see what happens. I am living, I am learning, Am I loving?????? Sometimes it's hard for me to tell what's going on. Christy lets be free.

Christy

Christy

 

Working it out

I came out to my wife almost 2 weeks ago and life has been very stressful. My doctor put me on anti depression meds for a short time to help me get through this. It seems to help but I will get off of them ASAP. I hate taking anything like that. My wife was shocked and had no idea so it has been hard. She is open to therapy but we only went once together but hopefully she will go on her own. I have been up and down from feeling very relieved and at peace to feeling like I have made the biggest mistake of my life! I know there will be ups and downs but today we talked for a bit and she told me that if I want to transition all the way she wants no part of it. She wants no part of the trans community at all. She knows nothing about being transgender and can’t understand this at all. I think we are heading for divorce and maybe that is for the best in the long run but only time will tell. It is scaring me quite a bit, this unknown future. What will life be like? I worry about my boys all the time. What if this all a mistake? What if I regret transition? Will I be alone? Will I find love? What will I look like? She said I already look different and I can see it bothers her but I’m still in boy mode. I am afraid that if she sees me naked she will freak out. I told her all of these fears. I don’t think she loves me anymore, our marriage was on the rocks for some time now because of all my drinking. She believes me that being transgender was the cause for my drinking (the way I coped) but the trust is not there. I will give her space and try to help her with understanding if she is open but I have to be cautious because my boys don’t know yet. Uhmmm I am stressing out writing this.....I want to run. I want to scream. I want to laugh. I want to just snuggle up with my wife. Hold her...have her hold me. I want to cry but I can’t. I guess I’m just going to start implementing my life plan for transition. I know I want to fully transition, ffs, grs. I have since I was 7 or 8 trying to get rid of my male parts. (Nothing dangerous) I know it is pointless but I can’t stop thinking about the past. Why didn’t I just do this when I was 20 and moved to Hollywood.  Why didn’t I ask the beautiful transgender girl that showed up at my house one day? My roommate brought her home for me not knowing she was transsexual. What it does prove to me is that I am in that same spot only this time I’m not going to hide again. I can’t. It will kill my soul. So I will trudged this road to the destination which is unknown but I will try my best to enjoy the trip and survive. I am a survivor, I always have been but this is testing me to my core. At least I have friends and my parents. One more day  Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Freedom found

Hello all! Well I just spent a couple of days up in Asheville NC and allowed myself to present as female more than I ever had before. Still very tomboy ish but hey I was with my little one and didn’t want to freak him out. Plus that just me. I still haven’t had the talk with him yet so I needed to keep the presentation at a minimum until I tell him out right. He was fine with the way I looked and didn’t say anything. We had a great time with lots of laughs and fun eating at great restaurants. There are many fantastic artists there as well so that was inspirational for both of us. This was the first time I allowed myself to push the envelope so to speak. Girly jeans(hips), tight top(boobs), a very little bit of makeup, sandals with nails all polished (toes too), cap for the bad hair and using a slightly slightly slightly more feminine voice. I was just letting out the real me a bit more then I had before. The crazy thing is that I wasn’t trying to act more feminine it just came out pretty naturally(except for the voice). I guess I wasn’t thinking about how to act whether it be male or female. I wasn’t presenting for the world and wondering whether people bought the sales pitch, I was just being me. It helps that I know not a soul in that area. There were some questionable looks but nothing bad just people trying to figure me out and everyone was pleasant too me and my boy. In the small times that I felt awkward ish I just remembered to stay confident with myself. To look people in the eye and speak clearly. Hold my head up high without being a phony or pushy. Just be the fun happy person you are! That’s it. This experience gave me the confidence to move forward with transition in other areas of my life. I think I can move forward with my plan for coming out. I am no longer stuck. The crazy thing is that a bunch of events happened along the way to make this easier for me. Kind of like the universe helping me out. I will have a sit down conversation with my parents this week and tell them what my general plan is because they are my main support group. If and when they are comfortable I will set a time to tell my wife. I will give everyone time to absorb the information and decide what this means for them and if they want to be a part of my life in the future. I have gotten to a place mentally where I’m ok if nobody accepts me. I have built my social network up from scratch at least 4 times in my life so I’m pretty confident I can do it again and I do like a challenge (Family was always solid). I have done a lot of research on being transgender/transsexual from others experiences and the medical world but I’m still learning. One thing that fascinates me is the DES son issue. I am almost positive that my mom was given the drug while pregnant with me and I will ask her about it when we have our talk. I need to be careful though as I don’t want her to blame herself for what I have been dealing with over the years (or my dad). I do want to know just for myself and if she passes away suddenly  I’ll never know. She has always been a ball of stress and from what I have been reading that can cause hormonal fluxes but I’m NOT blaming anyone. She was under tremendous stress while pregnant with me. I have been helping her with that for years and she will call me for guidance at times. I love being me and when the world gets to see the real me it responds back in a positive way. I just need to get out of my own way I guess. The future is a mystery and I am excited for it. Thank you Asheville!  Christy👩🏼‍💼

Christy

Christy

 

On the brink

I am on the edge of my seat. I am going to transition, I want to transition and I’m ready to deal with the outside world. My wife and kids are the only thing stopping me. I am stuck! I am stuck! I am stuck! Some days I just want to blurt it out and I have been really close at times. But I don’t want to be selfish. Blurting it out seems like it will shock everyone. I feel like it’s getting into a hot bath. Everyone needs to ease into the tub. Maybe I’m just procrastinating. Then other days it seems like the world will come crashing down upon my life and love ones. So I have to step back for a bit until it passes.  I will say that on a positive note my body has been changing, boobs are becoming obvious and I don’t hide them. My butt is filling out hips, skin, hair is soft but short, laser. Etc. I am healthier now then I have been in a long time. But I am stuck!!! Christy🤯

Christy

Christy

 

Coming Out and Stressed out.

I posted this in the mtf forum and it was suggested that I post it here as well.  Well after many long hours of thought I think I am ready to tell my wife and then kids.  I have a tremendous amount of fear that my marriage will be over and that I will do great harm to my kids psychologically. I don’t want to do harm but I know that I can’t hold back for much longer. I was watching YouTube videos done by Natalie from New Zealand and really admire the way she has done her transition. This is the order in which she has come out. Before doing Anything she decided she needed to transition. Then she told her wife. She started that conversation by handing her a laptop with an article about gender dysphoria and asked her to read it (I would love to know what that was). Then they talked. She was terrified as I am. That conversation went well but the wife was a bit shell shocked. They came to an understanding and then she sat the kids down to let them know. She made it a goal to reassure them that they were not going to lose their parents and their security. The kids were confused about what this meant but after some crying and time they embraced it. After the family was told (and I am assuming close family and friends) she told the world on face book and employment. Now she did all of this while still presenting as male and before starting hrt. This gave people some time to absorb the idea and process the way they felt about it. Then she had time to start. People knew that this was coming but she was still presenting as male for some time and then she slowly started to change. I feel that this way of starting transition really reduced the shock of being trans (to others and herself). I plan on taking a similar approach (although I already started HRT). I still present as male but I am far more girly than I was before. I was hoping that one of you might have a great article or website that I could  give to my wife that would set the tone and understanding of what this all means. I just can’t decide. I want to start this off as best I can. Once this initial conversation happens I will have a better idea of what my life might look like. I will and do have a support group around me in case this all goes sideways on me. I am assuming that the marriage will be over. We will see. I think my kids will be okay after some time of knowing what is coming but nothing really changes overnight. They will need time to adjust. Once my family is all set (hopefully) I will come out to the world. I don’t plan on presenting as female (in public anyway) until I feel comfortable enough. If it were just me I would have a different plan but that’s life. I have been preparing what to say with my therapist but I don’t feel confident at all. I see myself forgetting everything and getting really emotional. I can’t believe I am going to do this but I need to live so.... I have to. This is all consuming mentally and I am having a difficult time finding relief in a healthy way.  If you girls have any ideas on this I would love to hear.   I am terrified.  Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Did traumatize myself a tiny bit?

So How do I see things today? Well the train is chugging along at an acceptable pace. I am still on hrt and doing all the things I was before the pit stop. I am just taking things much slower in every way. I have dialed back everything to a level that is comfortable enough for me to keep moving forward. I will pay attention to everything more closely especially how my decisions will affect me and others down the road. I ask myself all the time “what does this really mean & what are the consequences”. Do I really need to take this particular step or do I just want to. It used to bother me being in an “I between stage” but I have learned to accept it and actually have fun with it. YouTube has helped a lot. Girls that have expressed the same thoughts and feelings that I have or have had in the past. I tend to relate to the girls that aren’t all glammed up. They are not putting on a show just talking about what they have been through. Physically  and emotionally. I guess my main focus is to be as healthy as possible in every aspect of life. That is a tall order but at least it is something to aim at. Just aiming at being a passable functional girl seems really shallow to me now. As trans people we are extremely valuable to the world in that we have a unique perspective on life. No cis man or woman can fully understand this in my opinion. Life is to dam short to sit in shi.... I think we are here to experience the physical world and I really don’t know what being stuck in the wrong body means but there is still time for me to ponder this. Why is this happening to humanity? Something deep down is telling me that this might be a step in evolution. I might be just crazy thinking, wishful thinking or a way for me to cope with life but.....I don’t know. My intuition is telling me that I might be on to something here. It’s funny how when people talk about alien visits, visions, or sightings like the “grays” for example. They are rarely identified by sex really. I have to laugh at myself sometimes but hey, who knows. I like to stay positive if I can and I’m a bit of a jokester as well. With that I will go and have fun with Father’s Day. I’m going to get all machoed up for a day to see how I feel. Lol.   Christy 👽 

Christy

Christy

 

Uhmmm

The conversations I have with myself about who I am and who I want to be help guide me on this journey. It’s a fun way for me to think about life (As 2 separate people) but, I only have one body so what to do? Who will dominate in the future? I don’t know yet and that is ok for now. I was studying PTSD recently and it related to me in a way. Even though I have been thinking and wanting and wishing to be a girl my whole life, I never really thought I would be. Ever. Unless some magical event took place I would be stuck with what I had been born with. Then when I was desperate enough during one of those moments (which there were many) I took a small step. This first step made me feel great. It was scary and exciting at the same time and what was once a dream now seemed like a reality or a possibility anyway. The momentum was building and I knew that I had to keep taking steps otherwise I might fall back into the same crappy place again. The excitementand the feelings were overwhelming and to see smallphysical changes (which seemed huge at the time) just made true transition a reality in my mind. Even though I was in therapy a lot and thought I was mentally prepared for this, I was not. The little girl popped out and she was running the show. Just like a teenager. As long as it wasn’t obvious to the outside world what I was up to things were acceptable and manageable for me mentally. Within in 3 months I had facial and some body hair removed, I was on hrt under a doctors care, I came out to some people, joined trans groups, let my hair grow (which was a lot harder than I thought it would be, looked like crap) bought clothes and started wearing them when I could, practicing my voice everyday, learning and wearing makeup, made my eyebrows feminine, doing yoga at least 3 times a week and lost 35 lbs while changing my eating habits. Looking back at this it all seems extremely fast but that is what she wanted. The realization that this was to quick of a time line started to creep up on me. When Ifinally stopped and took a long look at what I was actually doing I freaked out a bit. The hrt had removed much of my dysphoria and the reality of how hard and long this transition was going to be became clear. Do I really need to change? I was naïve and the shell shock was too much. I hadn’t prepared mentally for this and I needed to get it right one way or the other. So pulled the cord on the train and got off telling my doc what I was up to. I had traumatized myself just a little bit and needed to regroup. Now I feel much better about things and I have more confidence in my decisions but I have to keep checking in. I also have friends that will tell me when I’m swerving off the path. Will I stay on the train for the rest of the trip? Probably not because I learned so much about myself at the last stop. But then again who knows! treat someone nice today that doesn’t deserve it. It will come back to you when you need it.  Christy😻

Christy

Christy

 

The Talk.

I posted this in the forum as well. Let me know what you think. Am I crazy? I don't think I am. This is about how I have been dealing with the male and female sides of myself. My 2 spirits if you will. Are there really 2 spirits or personalities? I really don't know but I do know this. Thinking, writing and talking with myself in this manner has given me a sense of peace. A better understanding of myself. I'm not sure where we are going but I plan on making it as fun as I possibly can. I do feel that everyone has something to offer this world and I enjoy helping them find out what that might be. Or at least try. Watching a person “wake up” to the full world is fascinating and meaningful. It seems I keep waking up myself and reforming my opinions about me and me and the world. So, why did I get off the transition train for a bit and then hop back on? Well, something just didn’t feel right and it wasn’t fear. Responsibly for others was a big part and I needed to take a closer look at what the destination of this journey really was. I have kept my feelings about being or wanting or wishing to be female a secret for sooooo long that when I finally admitted it, the girl was ready to run. So she did and it seemed like there was no stopping her. She planned on being fully in place within a year. She was so excited about this idea that she lost track of the real world and everything she had helped to create in her lifetime. Luckily her best friend who she thought was holding her down came to her rescue. He taught this very young, happy, excited and all knowing girl to slow down. Almost in a child like way she was bound to make big mistakes and hurt herself. So with a loving hand he started to walk with her but not hold her back, just to keep her close. He gave this child some space to test her confidence and explore the world, but he was always there close by to help her understand the world and comfort her when she needed it. She is free to bump her knee and get hurt so she can learn from her mistakes. This is the only way she is going to grow into the women she might want to be. He is kind of like a parent or older brother in many ways, always there to protect her when she needs help but has enough wisdom to know that this is her journey to travel. She is growing and aging extremely fast which causes him to worry more than normal. This is the first time he has ever done this and he knows he will make mistakes. She entered her teenage years very quickly and she became selfish and arrogant, thinking she knew all the answers. She knew exactly what she wanted and needed so she started making plans without thinking it through or talking it over with him. I want, I need, I am, I will be, I will feel, I will see and then I will be able to breathe. Now he has a full grown teenager on his hands in a very short period of time and she has the resources of a full grown adult. Off she went doing what she wanted and he was left behind (she wouldn't even talk to him) which made him sad, but he understood this is a tough journey for her so, he let her go. Growth is what he was praying for, in himself and her. For him the acceptance of raising this girl was a bitter pill to swallow because he knows that when she is fully on her own he may not exist anymore. Fortunately, he loves her more than he loves himself so, he says nothing to her about his fears. Feeling guilty for holding her back for so many years, he lets her get away with more than he should have but, that is when she saw him clearly for the first time. He had been such a strong figure in her life providing security and protection but now something was different. She realized he was vulnerable and sad in certain ways and she couldn't believe she never noticed this before. She was unsure of herself. Like a princess in a castle always looking out the window dreaming of what could be she never really looked around. She was living in a strong beautiful castle that pampered her all the time, she just didn't know it. She wasn't allowed to leave the castle because his fear for her and himself was so strong that the doors could not open no matter how hard he tried. He had worked on opening those giant wooden doors everyday for his entire life. She became embarrassed about all the selfish things she had done and said vowing to change her ways, but that is a tall order to fill for such a young girl. She headed back into the castle were she felt comfortable and she helped him work on those giant wooden doors. As time went by they both grew and found a whole new respect for each other. They started appreciating all the things that each of them bring to the relationship.The good and the bad. They discussed what the future might look like if they never get the doors open and leave the castle. They talked for hours upon hours about what life would be like if they did get the doors open. Where would they go? Would they go together? Who would decide where and what to do? Would they both survive this unknown world? She grew into a women during this time and he could see how strong she was becoming. He was proud of her. She finally saw him for the man he had always been and loved him for it. Instead of fighting with each other they were working together and communicating about their individual needs and desires. Likes & Dislikes. That is when they found the key that opened the doors. It was lying on the table in the foyer, right in front of them the entire time, they were just to blind to see it. They have a deep trust for each other that for now seems unbreakable. Now he was ready to let go completely so, he said go explore the world you have a great adventure before you. I love you with all my heart and if you need anything at all you know where to find me. She smiled looked out at the beautiful world and took her first step. She turned back to him and asked...would you like to join me on this adventure? He smiled and said...of course I would but I think you should lead the way for awhile if you don't mind. I'd be happy to she said but we are at our best when we work together. Back on the Train..........of life. When I think of myself and my life as a story that is being written...by me & me.....it inspires me want to write the best dam story I can. Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Just when I thought I was In-They threw me back out-then back in

After a tough week I had turned the corner once again and I was feeling really good about my transition mentally & physically. So, I was very excited to go to a trans group meeting very close to where I live. I haven't been to this meeting in some time and was looking forward to meeting new people as well as a couple that a friend told me about. I have one friend that I met at the first trans group meeting and we talk/text on a regular basis. We have a nice relationship helping each other sort out our difficulties, bouncing thoughts off each other and celebrate the good things in our lives. He (FTM) has been to some of the meetings that I missed and was excited for me to meet a transgender girl that he has befriended. They have been spending time together with their families. He said that she would possibly be a good resource for me as she is a bit farther along in her transition and is still married to her cis gender wife. (same as me). So, I was really excited to meet this person. Their were 2 other people there that I haven't met yet and they are much younger then myself (18ish). One is a trans girl and she seems sweet. The other is a trans male and is also very sweet. They are married which surprised me a bit only because they are so young. The meeting started late because the gender therapist who hosts the group was in a meeting in the back. We all talked for about 30 mins about this or that while we waited and it was very nice and pleasant. When the person my friend told me about arrived I introduced myself and she said hello but was kind of stand offish. I guess I expected her to greet me differently as my friend has told her about me (he asked me first if he could). I was a little thrown off by that but no big deal, people have their own stuff going on and she looked like there was something on her mind. Oh, well...on with the meeting all is good and I felt comfortable. The therapist tries to start the meeting but keeps pacing back and forth between the window and the group. She says she is looking for someone who might show up late. I'm not sure how or who started the conversation but almost immediately the topic & tenner went to politics and became toxic. Negative energy filled the meeting, even the group members that didn't want to be in this negative conversation were drawn into it. I bit my lip and attempted to get in a zone of non-judgment but the negative energy was growing. I was starting to shift around in my seat. The topics went from Trump, insurance companies, Low Pride turn out, Haters, lbgt struggles, crapy employers, bad primary care physician's , ignorant endocrinologist's, misinformed psychiatrist, the horrible congress, Trump, Obama, Clinton, Comey back and forth on and on. All negative. Every time the negative energy seemed to fizzle and the group became quite the therapist was there to throw another log on the fire. Almost as if she enjoyed getting everyone fired up and ready to protest or something. Is this why I'm here? I feel like crap! I want to be happy! Help!!! Personally, I make a tremendous effort in my life to refrain from negative actions, thoughts and people. All while trying really hard to think of others, to be aware of my ego and my surroundings. I work on it but I am only human. Everything happens for a reason in life so I was trying to see why this was happening and if I could help or learn from it. I couldn't stay any longer though, it just became too much and I started questioning everything about transitioning again. I was falling quickly backwards mentally. Is this what I can look forward to in the transgender community locally? Crap. I need to find a new group. There is NO way I will survive in this group or want this in my life at all. Zero. Intellectually, I understand that some people have had past experiences that can effect their view of the world. I have spent many years helping people get sober and working with them to get through a boat load of issues. It's some of the most important and gratifying accomplishments of my life so far. To see a person come from the depths of hell to the light of life is tough to put into words. The ripple effect that this transformation has on family, friends and the world is astounding to witness and feel. I am truly honored to be a part of it. I was about to excuse myself from the meeting but as my weight shifted forward to stand my friend spoke up. He asked if we could change the tone of the meeting "Can we get off this negative stuff?". Awesome timing. The therapist agreed and we went around the room letting each member talk about how they are doing. Great. But (yes there it is) the therapist would not stop adding or relating or disparaging someone or something in a negative way. The group was fine, productive, talking and learning about each other when we were controlling the flow of the conversation (great energy). There is something wrong with the therapist and I have my own ideas about that but that is none of my business. I left the meeting feeling like crap and I needed to talk to someone but it was late at that point and my friend was busy so I went home thinking I might do some reading. When I got home my wife was up and had a ton of things that she needed to talk about so I listened and tried to help if I could. We had a nice talk. I went to bed exhausted but I had a bad nights sleep. As I went through my day today I thought about last night and wondered what my future might look like, knowing things will change. Then I thought of the 2 younger people I met and what was said by everyone in the group. It was all really good, positive and inspiring in many ways so I called my friend to talk about it. We both felt the same way about the meeting and also affirmed our gender identity in very similar ways to each other. We had a great conversation. This is his therapist I am talking about and I think she has her net wrapped around him and he knows it (he needs the letters from her), but that is for him to decided $$$ . So, what did I learn. That trans gender people are stronger than I knew, that we all have this common issue that brings us together in an understanding that others truly can't understand. It's a lot like an AA group in that way really. We don't judge each other. We care about and truly want to help each other. Sure, there are always going to be different points of view on life but that's okay. Heck that is what makes life exciting. If everyone was exactly the same, life would be dull. Even Transgender therapists can try and throw shit at us. The younger generation has such a great grasp on who they are and who they want to be. They are organized. They need our help. The older trans community has wisdom. That I underestimated people. Good and bad. That I am truly unique and the same in so many ways. I will not be putting myself back in that therapists arena again. I need to reach out to other trans people no matter how old. I asked myself last night "Is this what I can look forward to in the transgender community locally?" No, that was just a bad nonprofessional therapist (IMO) the people who are transgender are much more. I am very thankful that I didn't leave that meeting before I was able to hear from the group (when the energy was better). I'll just have to keep on learning and we will see where that takes me. Don't hate....love....find it.....it's there waiting. Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Tough week.

This week started out pretty good. Went to the beach with some friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. They stayed with us for a couple of days and everything went well. I was nervous (they don’t know I’m trans) but they are good people and we had fun. The kids all had fun as well. Then after they left I went downhill mentally and started to feel like transitioning was all wrong. I tried to get myself out of it but the blues just kept coming back. Life was gray and I was just trying to make it through the day. I was exhausted early in the day and unmotivated to engage in life. I was starting to feel the need to distance myself from trans friends that I really like. Boy clothes seemed more comfortable to wear. My mind was busy trying to explain everything, after all I just had a great weekend. I was utterly convinced at one point that transition was not for me. I spent the next couple of days coming up with another plan for my life but I still kept taking hrt and dressing a tiny bit girly. I will stay on hrt until my next Endo appointment (14 days) to see how my levels are and get a longer supply of hrt. I wanted to have a supply of hrt just in case I changed my mind. I just kept going to work and taking care of the kids but I was getting really blue. I felt like a zombie. Then I read Elsa’s blog and  I just love the way she talks about herself as 2 separate people sharing the same body. It makes perfect sense to me because I have been having letting them battle each other for years. Without knowing it!!! Dam. I had never thought of talking about myself in that context before. I have always thought since I was very young that a female spirit would enter my body at times and try to take over. I would even ask or demand that she leave me alone and go away. I had an older sister that past away right after birth a year or two before I was born. So, I figured it was her messing with me and then when I was older I thought maybe I was really her all along. I was a girl born for a very short time and then re born again but in a boy body this time. Someone missed the memo!  She’s pissed 😠. I’m pissed 😤. We are pissed 😡. Man is this all confusing and how the hell do you talk to about this. Who could understand this? I can’t even understand it. But something has always told me “you are on too something here “. Not sure but.........uhmmmm. My mom told me that I had an imaginary friend when I was young and his name was mick s. I have no memory of that at all but apparently I would spend a lot of time with him. I would talk to him as if he was standing right in front of my parents. It freaked them out a bit. My mom said that I knew that they could not see him and it was “ok”.  Then one day I stopped. I don’t remember anything about it. So, when I read Elsa’s post it all clicked and I started thinking about things that way again . As 2 people. This morning I got up before the sunrise and sat in the faint light talking to the 2 of me. I asked him to let her have today. I looked down at my legs and saw pretty girly legs, hips, waist and chest. All the gray/blue feelings slowly lifted and I said thank you. I feel back on track with life and I’m excited to talk with these 2 a bit more. It goes along the 2 spirit philosophy of Native American culture which I have been drawn to for many years. Wow life sure is interesting. Luv liv learn and we will see what happens. Christy 

Christy

Christy

 

More on that

So, the last blog was cut off somehow but I’m not sure what the heck I did so I’ll try to remember my thoughts. The judgements I was saying to myself went something like this after seeing myself in the mirror. Early morning.... “you look like hell” or “you look great “or “who are you female or male”. The feeling of not recognizing myself for a second is really disconcerting and sends a dull dread through the core of my body. It’s a kind of ughhh feeling. The look that popped onto my face was very much like the look I get from people when I think I’m being clocked. It is also the same look from friends that haven’t seen me for a while. I had to ask myself “am I clocking myself!” I guess I was in a way. Didn’t see that coming. It also has helped me understand the way people react initially. The feeling of dread became overwhelming and fear started taking over. Thoughts like there is no way I can move forward, I can’t handle this, I better stop now, what the hell am I doing! I have let this steer the course of my life for years but this was on a different level. So, what to do.... wait, remember and stay quiet in the mind. I have to go backwards in my head remembering exactly what and how I felt for my entire life. Now comes the tricky part. There were times in the past where I was fine with my gender and the dysphoria was not there. Maybe I was preoccupied with other things? Maybe Hormonal balance was different or something with my body chemistry. I just don’t know and maybe never will. What I do know is that generally I am much happier these days and much healthier as well. So, after staying calm about all this l decided to keep being me and not worry about everything. I’m a good person so let’s just stick with that for the time being. Since I wrote the first part of this my mind has calmed down and I feel good. Today I’m going to the beach with some friends who are in town (this should be interesting) and I have no idea what will happen but I know exactly who I will be. Me. Oh and by the way when I looked in the mirror today I did recognize the girl looking back. What a fascinating experience. I am lucky. Stay sweet girls and think of me bouncing around on the beach 🏖. LOL.   

Christy

Christy

 

Who Are You?

Who are you? Who am I? What am I? What am I going to be?......As I sit here with some time on my hands this thought came to mind. How would I describe myself too myself if I didn't know me. Yes, that is kind of crazy in a round about way but it is the exact question I have been asking myself lately. At times I will look in the mirror and I for a second not even recognize myself. This seems to happen the most when I first wake up. Making my way in the dark towards the coffee pot I sometimes catch an unexpected glance from a stranger in the full length mirror. I usually stop for a second to look closer, trying to see the me I am used to seeing. This takes a moment for me, to see me, and then I start making judgements upon myself as if I where someone else. Crazy? No.?.?. The judgments are something along the lines of "good lord you look like hell" or "Do I look female or male?" or "wow you look good" (although that comment usually isn't in the morning). Anyway I slice it, the feeling of not being able to instantly recognize myself is really unsettling, causing a dreadful dulling of my spirit. It's in the pit of my soul so to speak. A kind of ughhhhhhh I don't like this at all. What am I doing???Where am I going???? Oh! No! I better stop this crazy ride Jane!!!! But time will pass, I will see the future me, maybe a glimpse in the mirror, some naturally occurring expression, mannerism or feeling and I will let out a ahhhhh everything is going to be okay. The other thing I thought of is that when I look into the mirror and don't see me right away. The expression on my face is very similar to the ones on people clocking me. I think I might be clocking myself!! What!?!?...Is that even possible?? I must say thank the good lord that I have a good sense of humor and love to laugh. Don't take yourself to seriously. I hope you laugh today. Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Having doubts.....

After my trip to Orlando I have been doubting my transition. I am sure being clocked left and right didn’t help much but I think this is something different. A deeper fear. I have some friends coming into town for a visit and I am a bit nervous about how that will go but we will see(they are good people). I will just be me and roll with the flow thinking of others first. I will take care of myself of course and talk with my therapist. Maybe it was or is just a combination of things that happened to make me wonder if this is what I really want. I was thinking about the long term trying to picture what life would be like and didn’t see a future that I liked. I was alone, not passing, ugly, family and friends staying away from me and bitter about it. This is all in my head, I know that I will feel differently later today probably and that the future is really a mystery that I can help shape. Maybe it’s the hrt giving me a ride on the swing set forcing me to take a look at my fears that are still there just underneath the skin of this confident growing girl. I just don’t know & I don’t need to know. I was seeking something on this last trip but I’m not sure what it was. Maybe my expectations were to high for Orlando. Not sure. I have been here before feeling this way and it will change, I will be here again and it will change, so for today I’ll give myself a break and just be me.  Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Up then down without a frown.

Things are moving in the right direction for me and I feel confident in myself. I am ready to come out to my family and friends. A couple already know. I am just waiting for a time that gives them the space they might need. I am still in boy mode but I’m open and ready. I don’t feel the need to tell the world with a proclamation “here I am!”  I am trying to think of others first and give them a better chance to understand what this will really mean for them. A support network is set up for me to help get through this and I am still working on a support group for my family. That is a work in progress. Some days I am on top of the world and other days I don’t have any drive to keep moving forward. I’m not stopping anything I’m just rolling with the flow so to speak. I’m in Orlando now and people are clocking me left and right. This was getting to me a bit but I just remind myself that I’m a good person and meditate when I can. The technique the therapist taught me seems to help a lot. There have been a lot of changes to me physically and I will put that in the next post. I will say that I’m very happy in myself and really the only thing that gets me down is to see others struggling with life in general and how my transition might just pile on to the difficulties. On a positive note when I was getting take out food the other day the girl handed me my order and said here you go girly. I didn’t expect that but I just rolled with it and we both smiled. I also have some new friends that seem great and are in the lbgt community. Not feeling girly now but I’ll just wait a minute.  Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Getting Closer.......

Okay so the trip was great and I feel like a new person in a way. All the things that happened and time spent with family were wonderful but we have to go home sometime. right? Well, I feel like I have left a piece of the old me back at my home before I left. The male me if that makes any sense. Chantel mentioned in a comment that we have to say good bye to who we were and let go of the past. Ive been working on that and know that it will take some time but this is much different then I expected. It is like part of me disappeared and this other part was just....there ready to go. I really opened up a bit on vacation and upon returning home I just expected to cover up again. I knew I was going to be a little bit more open than before after having all these experiences but I didn't realize that the brakes were going to get ripped off the train or at least the conductor was going to take a nap. I got up on Friday morning, made a cup of coffee and sat on the lanai. The weather was great as I wrote out what I needed to do and who I had to meet. I will start with dropping some jeans off at the seamstress to get a rip in the button flies fixed. I love these jeans. While I was there in the shop, pop! the jeans I was wearing ripped in the same spot. (yes they are too tight) 2x pairs down. Crap oh well. I was going to the store later in the day to look for a pair of pants that I loved anyway so I might as well go now. Well in the past when I went shopping it was planned shopping with a purpose. The old PSP. I knew what I wanted, what the price was, where to get it and usually where in the store it was located. So in I went and within about 3 minutes had the pants that I was looking for in the size I wanted but then a strange thing happened to me. Something else caught my eye and then another, the shirt is nice, that hoody is cute, this belt is great, I like these shoes and on and on and on it went. I didn't even realize that I was doing it!!!! Until...I could sense someone looking at me so I looked up and it was a friend of mine that I haven't seen in months. Before I started transitioning and he is a mans man. So here I am with an armful of androgynous clothes and a tight shirt on and my nips popping out! I just realized what I was doing and for how long. I was nervous at first but then let it go and just giggled at myself under my breath. Talked about life and an up coming golfing trip just as any other day might be. He even brought his girlfriend over to meet me. After they left I kept on shopping. I spent well over 2 hours in the store trying things on going back for more or a different size, I was on a role and when I finally got to the counter I had NO idea how much I was about to spend (luckily they were having a big sale I knew nothing about. whew). Now I understand girls. I LOVE MY NEW CLOTHES they are very girly and I have been wearing them all around town for the last couple of days. I can't wait to go shopping again. Now I get it girls. I have opened the proverbial door even farther and keep pushing myself. Anyway that is just one example that I have time for right now. My point is that my instinctual thinking has shifted if that makes any sense and the great news is I love it. Next is to learn how to do make up. Live Love Learn. Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Back home

I had a wonderful time on vacation and it allowed me to open up more than I expected. I was able to put aside all the crazy little worries about what people would think and just be me for awhile. I didn’t try to look like a female or anything like that I just wasn’t hiding anything from anyone. I have been covering up my body recently as far as boobs (although their tiny, when I look down at them they seem larger then they are, Kind of like a fun house mirror. Haha) the shaving, laser & electrolysis, soft soft skin, skin care regime etc. I let all that go and just didn’t hide it. Before I left i had an elaborate plan to cover up so people & family wouldn’t notice enough to spark questions but as soon as I stepped onto the plane all that changed. When we arrived there were many girls of all ages wearing some great clothing and I was trying them on in my mind. Trying to see what might look good on me or loving a style but realizing that I can’t pull that off yet. It inspired me to work on my body even harder and was great to find a more age, occasion appropriate styles. It was a great place to see all the girls and was almost like a fashion show. Morning breakfast, upscale pool, casual down at the beach, workout attire, casual dining, dressed to the nines for a glamorous night out and on and on. Young & older women taught me so much in a short time. I found myself envying many girls and had fun learning. I guess all of this just let me open up a bit more which was like a chain reaction pushing me forward to explore what I was feeling. I know these are the steps many tg girls have taken but to feel it was really nice. This was a very exciting and freeing trip in a lot of ways but I also connected with my family on a deeper level. Sure there were the annoying things like kids on their phones, bad table manners etc. but there was something more. We talked and played games and discussed life and dreams. We had adventures, fun and relaxed with each other. I was not what I had expected so I thought back to see why I was wrong. I was fearful and tense before going but as soon as I let go of it thing got better. I also made it a point to think of everyone first and be as honest as I could about what I wanted. I took a bit of time to really think about things before making a decision or acting out. (Except when my little one needed me, dad popped out). Now that I’m back at home and work is on the table normal life starts again but I’m different. More confident in my transition making it easier for me to take the next step. More confident in myself as a TG person. More confident as a human being. As a parent, as a partner, as a daughter/son. Thank you all for helping me see and feel the real me!!! One more step...... in the correct direction. live love learn Chrisrty😍

Christy

Christy

 

Becoming comfortable

I was thinking today as I was laying on a chair how much has changed. I am on vacation and was nervous about how Much I have changed physically and what my wife and kids might say. So I made a decision to just stop worrying about it and be as pleasant and confident as possible. I have not been hiding anything about my appearance and my mannerisms and I feel great so I let it show. My family has been really great and we have been enjoying each other. I have been wearing tight tops and tight jeans at night which shows my chest and butt. I haven’t been trying to make a statement I just feel better wearing them. My wife committed that I look good and she said I have a .....”something about you” is different but really nice. I was happy to hear that. I felt so confident that I have been pulling up my boy shorts to tan my butt and front with a feminine tan line. (I am still in boy mode). No one said anything or looked at me weird. I basically turned my boy shorts into a bikini bottom. The little one did ask why I was doing that and the older one said dads just try change his tan line. I said yes I am I should try to find a shorter bathing suit to make it easier and my wife said I can help you find something. She seemed to like the idea and that was so amazing. We went for a walk this morning and she wanted me to show her the spa and gym (I’ve been going every day for yoga) so with coffee in hand I showed her where everything was. Then we made a couples  message and facial appointment together. We are basically going to have a girls day tomorrow. We are even getting our nails done together. I feel like such a girl and very loving. At the same time I feel like a strong dad which is kind of confusing really. At dinner tonight my little one was getting picked on (while we were waiting for our table) so I went and called out the drunk 18-19 year olds and straighten them out (there was about 20 of them but only one punk). I was in dad mode big time. Everything worked out fine but it got me thinking. What am I ? Girl .... boy..... both.....I guess I’m just me and I like both parts. I know it will take a long time to figure all this out but what an amazing experience. Strangers have definitely been checking me out but I can’t read the looks anymore so I just go with the flow and take it as a compliment. I was worried about this trip but reality it has proven me wrong. Again. I never know what is going to happen in a day.  Christy

Christy

Christy

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