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Christy

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About this blog

Finally being honestly true to myself! What an adventure this can be, if I allow myself to enjoy it.....

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Just when I thought I was In-They threw me back out-then back in

After a tough week I had turned the corner once again and I was feeling really good about my transition mentally & physically. So, I was very excited to go to a trans group meeting very close to where I live. I haven't been to this meeting in some time and was looking forward to meeting new people as well as a couple that a friend told me about. I have one friend that I met at the first trans group meeting and we talk/text on a regular basis. We have a nice relationship helping each other sort out our difficulties, bouncing thoughts off each other and celebrate the good things in our lives. He (FTM) has been to some of the meetings that I missed and was excited for me to meet a transgender girl that he has befriended. They have been spending time together with their families. He said that she would possibly be a good resource for me as she is a bit farther along in her transition and is still married to her cis gender wife. (same as me). So, I was really excited to meet this person. Their were 2 other people there that I haven't met yet and they are much younger then myself (18ish). One is a trans girl and she seems sweet. The other is a trans male and is also very sweet. They are married which surprised me a bit only because they are so young. The meeting started late because the gender therapist who hosts the group was in a meeting in the back. We all talked for about 30 mins about this or that while we waited and it was very nice and pleasant. When the person my friend told me about arrived I introduced myself and she said hello but was kind of stand offish. I guess I expected her to greet me differently as my friend has told her about me (he asked me first if he could). I was a little thrown off by that but no big deal, people have their own stuff going on and she looked like there was something on her mind. Oh, well...on with the meeting all is good and I felt comfortable. The therapist tries to start the meeting but keeps pacing back and forth between the window and the group. She says she is looking for someone who might show up late. I'm not sure how or who started the conversation but almost immediately the topic & tenner went to politics and became toxic. Negative energy filled the meeting, even the group members that didn't want to be in this negative conversation were drawn into it. I bit my lip and attempted to get in a zone of non-judgment but the negative energy was growing. I was starting to shift around in my seat. The topics went from Trump, insurance companies, Low Pride turn out, Haters, lbgt struggles, crapy employers, bad primary care physician's , ignorant endocrinologist's, misinformed psychiatrist, the horrible congress, Trump, Obama, Clinton, Comey back and forth on and on. All negative. Every time the negative energy seemed to fizzle and the group became quite the therapist was there to throw another log on the fire. Almost as if she enjoyed getting everyone fired up and ready to protest or something. Is this why I'm here? I feel like crap! I want to be happy! Help!!! Personally, I make a tremendous effort in my life to refrain from negative actions, thoughts and people. All while trying really hard to think of others, to be aware of my ego and my surroundings. I work on it but I am only human. Everything happens for a reason in life so I was trying to see why this was happening and if I could help or learn from it. I couldn't stay any longer though, it just became too much and I started questioning everything about transitioning again. I was falling quickly backwards mentally. Is this what I can look forward to in the transgender community locally? Crap. I need to find a new group. There is NO way I will survive in this group or want this in my life at all. Zero. Intellectually, I understand that some people have had past experiences that can effect their view of the world. I have spent many years helping people get sober and working with them to get through a boat load of issues. It's some of the most important and gratifying accomplishments of my life so far. To see a person come from the depths of hell to the light of life is tough to put into words. The ripple effect that this transformation has on family, friends and the world is astounding to witness and feel. I am truly honored to be a part of it. I was about to excuse myself from the meeting but as my weight shifted forward to stand my friend spoke up. He asked if we could change the tone of the meeting "Can we get off this negative stuff?". Awesome timing. The therapist agreed and we went around the room letting each member talk about how they are doing. Great. But (yes there it is) the therapist would not stop adding or relating or disparaging someone or something in a negative way. The group was fine, productive, talking and learning about each other when we were controlling the flow of the conversation (great energy). There is something wrong with the therapist and I have my own ideas about that but that is none of my business. I left the meeting feeling like crap and I needed to talk to someone but it was late at that point and my friend was busy so I went home thinking I might do some reading. When I got home my wife was up and had a ton of things that she needed to talk about so I listened and tried to help if I could. We had a nice talk. I went to bed exhausted but I had a bad nights sleep. As I went through my day today I thought about last night and wondered what my future might look like, knowing things will change. Then I thought of the 2 younger people I met and what was said by everyone in the group. It was all really good, positive and inspiring in many ways so I called my friend to talk about it. We both felt the same way about the meeting and also affirmed our gender identity in very similar ways to each other. We had a great conversation. This is his therapist I am talking about and I think she has her net wrapped around him and he knows it (he needs the letters from her), but that is for him to decided $$$ . So, what did I learn. That trans gender people are stronger than I knew, that we all have this common issue that brings us together in an understanding that others truly can't understand. It's a lot like an AA group in that way really. We don't judge each other. We care about and truly want to help each other. Sure, there are always going to be different points of view on life but that's okay. Heck that is what makes life exciting. If everyone was exactly the same, life would be dull. Even Transgender therapists can try and throw shit at us. The younger generation has such a great grasp on who they are and who they want to be. They are organized. They need our help. The older trans community has wisdom. That I underestimated people. Good and bad. That I am truly unique and the same in so many ways. I will not be putting myself back in that therapists arena again. I need to reach out to other trans people no matter how old. I asked myself last night "Is this what I can look forward to in the transgender community locally?" No, that was just a bad nonprofessional therapist (IMO) the people who are transgender are much more. I am very thankful that I didn't leave that meeting before I was able to hear from the group (when the energy was better). I'll just have to keep on learning and we will see where that takes me. Don't hate....love....find it.....it's there waiting. Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Tough week.

This week started out pretty good. Went to the beach with some friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. They stayed with us for a couple of days and everything went well. I was nervous (they don’t know I’m trans) but they are good people and we had fun. The kids all had fun as well. Then after they left I went downhill mentally and started to feel like transitioning was all wrong. I tried to get myself out of it but the blues just kept coming back. Life was gray and I was just trying to make it through the day. I was exhausted early in the day and unmotivated to engage in life. I was starting to feel the need to distance myself from trans friends that I really like. Boy clothes seemed more comfortable to wear. My mind was busy trying to explain everything, after all I just had a great weekend. I was utterly convinced at one point that transition was not for me. I spent the next couple of days coming up with another plan for my life but I still kept taking hrt and dressing a tiny bit girly. I will stay on hrt until my next Endo appointment (14 days) to see how my levels are and get a longer supply of hrt. I wanted to have a supply of hrt just in case I changed my mind. I just kept going to work and taking care of the kids but I was getting really blue. I felt like a zombie. Then I read Elsa’s blog and  I just love the way she talks about herself as 2 separate people sharing the same body. It makes perfect sense to me because I have been having letting them battle each other for years. Without knowing it!!! Dam. I had never thought of talking about myself in that context before. I have always thought since I was very young that a female spirit would enter my body at times and try to take over. I would even ask or demand that she leave me alone and go away. I had an older sister that past away right after birth a year or two before I was born. So, I figured it was her messing with me and then when I was older I thought maybe I was really her all along. I was a girl born for a very short time and then re born again but in a boy body this time. Someone missed the memo!  She’s pissed 😠. I’m pissed 😤. We are pissed 😡. Man is this all confusing and how the hell do you talk to about this. Who could understand this? I can’t even understand it. But something has always told me “you are on too something here “. Not sure but.........uhmmmm. My mom told me that I had an imaginary friend when I was young and his name was mick s. I have no memory of that at all but apparently I would spend a lot of time with him. I would talk to him as if he was standing right in front of my parents. It freaked them out a bit. My mom said that I knew that they could not see him and it was “ok”.  Then one day I stopped. I don’t remember anything about it. So, when I read Elsa’s post it all clicked and I started thinking about things that way again . As 2 people. This morning I got up before the sunrise and sat in the faint light talking to the 2 of me. I asked him to let her have today. I looked down at my legs and saw pretty girly legs, hips, waist and chest. All the gray/blue feelings slowly lifted and I said thank you. I feel back on track with life and I’m excited to talk with these 2 a bit more. It goes along the 2 spirit philosophy of Native American culture which I have been drawn to for many years. Wow life sure is interesting. Luv liv learn and we will see what happens. Christy 

Christy

Christy

 

More on that

So, the last blog was cut off somehow but I’m not sure what the heck I did so I’ll try to remember my thoughts. The judgements I was saying to myself went something like this after seeing myself in the mirror. Early morning.... “you look like hell” or “you look great “or “who are you female or male”. The feeling of not recognizing myself for a second is really disconcerting and sends a dull dread through the core of my body. It’s a kind of ughhh feeling. The look that popped onto my face was very much like the look I get from people when I think I’m being clocked. It is also the same look from friends that haven’t seen me for a while. I had to ask myself “am I clocking myself!” I guess I was in a way. Didn’t see that coming. It also has helped me understand the way people react initially. The feeling of dread became overwhelming and fear started taking over. Thoughts like there is no way I can move forward, I can’t handle this, I better stop now, what the hell am I doing! I have let this steer the course of my life for years but this was on a different level. So, what to do.... wait, remember and stay quiet in the mind. I have to go backwards in my head remembering exactly what and how I felt for my entire life. Now comes the tricky part. There were times in the past where I was fine with my gender and the dysphoria was not there. Maybe I was preoccupied with other things? Maybe Hormonal balance was different or something with my body chemistry. I just don’t know and maybe never will. What I do know is that generally I am much happier these days and much healthier as well. So, after staying calm about all this l decided to keep being me and not worry about everything. I’m a good person so let’s just stick with that for the time being. Since I wrote the first part of this my mind has calmed down and I feel good. Today I’m going to the beach with some friends who are in town (this should be interesting) and I have no idea what will happen but I know exactly who I will be. Me. Oh and by the way when I looked in the mirror today I did recognize the girl looking back. What a fascinating experience. I am lucky. Stay sweet girls and think of me bouncing around on the beach 🏖. LOL.   

Christy

Christy

 

Who Are You?

Who are you? Who am I? What am I? What am I going to be?......As I sit here with some time on my hands this thought came to mind. How would I describe myself too myself if I didn't know me. Yes, that is kind of crazy in a round about way but it is the exact question I have been asking myself lately. At times I will look in the mirror and I for a second not even recognize myself. This seems to happen the most when I first wake up. Making my way in the dark towards the coffee pot I sometimes catch an unexpected glance from a stranger in the full length mirror. I usually stop for a second to look closer, trying to see the me I am used to seeing. This takes a moment for me, to see me, and then I start making judgements upon myself as if I where someone else. Crazy? No.?.?. The judgments are something along the lines of "good lord you look like hell" or "Do I look female or male?" or "wow you look good" (although that comment usually isn't in the morning). Anyway I slice it, the feeling of not being able to instantly recognize myself is really unsettling, causing a dreadful dulling of my spirit. It's in the pit of my soul so to speak. A kind of ughhhhhhh I don't like this at all. What am I doing???Where am I going???? Oh! No! I better stop this crazy ride Jane!!!! But time will pass, I will see the future me, maybe a glimpse in the mirror, some naturally occurring expression, mannerism or feeling and I will let out a ahhhhh everything is going to be okay. The other thing I thought of is that when I look into the mirror and don't see me right away. The expression on my face is very similar to the ones on people clocking me. I think I might be clocking myself!! What!?!?...Is that even possible?? I must say thank the good lord that I have a good sense of humor and love to laugh. Don't take yourself to seriously. I hope you laugh today. Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Having doubts.....

After my trip to Orlando I have been doubting my transition. I am sure being clocked left and right didn’t help much but I think this is something different. A deeper fear. I have some friends coming into town for a visit and I am a bit nervous about how that will go but we will see(they are good people). I will just be me and roll with the flow thinking of others first. I will take care of myself of course and talk with my therapist. Maybe it was or is just a combination of things that happened to make me wonder if this is what I really want. I was thinking about the long term trying to picture what life would be like and didn’t see a future that I liked. I was alone, not passing, ugly, family and friends staying away from me and bitter about it. This is all in my head, I know that I will feel differently later today probably and that the future is really a mystery that I can help shape. Maybe it’s the hrt giving me a ride on the swing set forcing me to take a look at my fears that are still there just underneath the skin of this confident growing girl. I just don’t know & I don’t need to know. I was seeking something on this last trip but I’m not sure what it was. Maybe my expectations were to high for Orlando. Not sure. I have been here before feeling this way and it will change, I will be here again and it will change, so for today I’ll give myself a break and just be me.  Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Up then down without a frown.

Things are moving in the right direction for me and I feel confident in myself. I am ready to come out to my family and friends. A couple already know. I am just waiting for a time that gives them the space they might need. I am still in boy mode but I’m open and ready. I don’t feel the need to tell the world with a proclamation “here I am!”  I am trying to think of others first and give them a better chance to understand what this will really mean for them. A support network is set up for me to help get through this and I am still working on a support group for my family. That is a work in progress. Some days I am on top of the world and other days I don’t have any drive to keep moving forward. I’m not stopping anything I’m just rolling with the flow so to speak. I’m in Orlando now and people are clocking me left and right. This was getting to me a bit but I just remind myself that I’m a good person and meditate when I can. The technique the therapist taught me seems to help a lot. There have been a lot of changes to me physically and I will put that in the next post. I will say that I’m very happy in myself and really the only thing that gets me down is to see others struggling with life in general and how my transition might just pile on to the difficulties. On a positive note when I was getting take out food the other day the girl handed me my order and said here you go girly. I didn’t expect that but I just rolled with it and we both smiled. I also have some new friends that seem great and are in the lbgt community. Not feeling girly now but I’ll just wait a minute.  Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Getting Closer.......

Okay so the trip was great and I feel like a new person in a way. All the things that happened and time spent with family were wonderful but we have to go home sometime. right? Well, I feel like I have left a piece of the old me back at my home before I left. The male me if that makes any sense. Chantel mentioned in a comment that we have to say good bye to who we were and let go of the past. Ive been working on that and know that it will take some time but this is much different then I expected. It is like part of me disappeared and this other part was just....there ready to go. I really opened up a bit on vacation and upon returning home I just expected to cover up again. I knew I was going to be a little bit more open than before after having all these experiences but I didn't realize that the brakes were going to get ripped off the train or at least the conductor was going to take a nap. I got up on Friday morning, made a cup of coffee and sat on the lanai. The weather was great as I wrote out what I needed to do and who I had to meet. I will start with dropping some jeans off at the seamstress to get a rip in the button flies fixed. I love these jeans. While I was there in the shop, pop! the jeans I was wearing ripped in the same spot. (yes they are too tight) 2x pairs down. Crap oh well. I was going to the store later in the day to look for a pair of pants that I loved anyway so I might as well go now. Well in the past when I went shopping it was planned shopping with a purpose. The old PSP. I knew what I wanted, what the price was, where to get it and usually where in the store it was located. So in I went and within about 3 minutes had the pants that I was looking for in the size I wanted but then a strange thing happened to me. Something else caught my eye and then another, the shirt is nice, that hoody is cute, this belt is great, I like these shoes and on and on and on it went. I didn't even realize that I was doing it!!!! Until...I could sense someone looking at me so I looked up and it was a friend of mine that I haven't seen in months. Before I started transitioning and he is a mans man. So here I am with an armful of androgynous clothes and a tight shirt on and my nips popping out! I just realized what I was doing and for how long. I was nervous at first but then let it go and just giggled at myself under my breath. Talked about life and an up coming golfing trip just as any other day might be. He even brought his girlfriend over to meet me. After they left I kept on shopping. I spent well over 2 hours in the store trying things on going back for more or a different size, I was on a role and when I finally got to the counter I had NO idea how much I was about to spend (luckily they were having a big sale I knew nothing about. whew). Now I understand girls. I LOVE MY NEW CLOTHES they are very girly and I have been wearing them all around town for the last couple of days. I can't wait to go shopping again. Now I get it girls. I have opened the proverbial door even farther and keep pushing myself. Anyway that is just one example that I have time for right now. My point is that my instinctual thinking has shifted if that makes any sense and the great news is I love it. Next is to learn how to do make up. Live Love Learn. Christy

Christy

Christy

 

Back home

I had a wonderful time on vacation and it allowed me to open up more than I expected. I was able to put aside all the crazy little worries about what people would think and just be me for awhile. I didn’t try to look like a female or anything like that I just wasn’t hiding anything from anyone. I have been covering up my body recently as far as boobs (although their tiny, when I look down at them they seem larger then they are, Kind of like a fun house mirror. Haha) the shaving, laser & electrolysis, soft soft skin, skin care regime etc. I let all that go and just didn’t hide it. Before I left i had an elaborate plan to cover up so people & family wouldn’t notice enough to spark questions but as soon as I stepped onto the plane all that changed. When we arrived there were many girls of all ages wearing some great clothing and I was trying them on in my mind. Trying to see what might look good on me or loving a style but realizing that I can’t pull that off yet. It inspired me to work on my body even harder and was great to find a more age, occasion appropriate styles. It was a great place to see all the girls and was almost like a fashion show. Morning breakfast, upscale pool, casual down at the beach, workout attire, casual dining, dressed to the nines for a glamorous night out and on and on. Young & older women taught me so much in a short time. I found myself envying many girls and had fun learning. I guess all of this just let me open up a bit more which was like a chain reaction pushing me forward to explore what I was feeling. I know these are the steps many tg girls have taken but to feel it was really nice. This was a very exciting and freeing trip in a lot of ways but I also connected with my family on a deeper level. Sure there were the annoying things like kids on their phones, bad table manners etc. but there was something more. We talked and played games and discussed life and dreams. We had adventures, fun and relaxed with each other. I was not what I had expected so I thought back to see why I was wrong. I was fearful and tense before going but as soon as I let go of it thing got better. I also made it a point to think of everyone first and be as honest as I could about what I wanted. I took a bit of time to really think about things before making a decision or acting out. (Except when my little one needed me, dad popped out). Now that I’m back at home and work is on the table normal life starts again but I’m different. More confident in my transition making it easier for me to take the next step. More confident in myself as a TG person. More confident as a human being. As a parent, as a partner, as a daughter/son. Thank you all for helping me see and feel the real me!!! One more step...... in the correct direction. live love learn Chrisrty😍

Christy

Christy

 

Becoming comfortable

I was thinking today as I was laying on a chair how much has changed. I am on vacation and was nervous about how Much I have changed physically and what my wife and kids might say. So I made a decision to just stop worrying about it and be as pleasant and confident as possible. I have not been hiding anything about my appearance and my mannerisms and I feel great so I let it show. My family has been really great and we have been enjoying each other. I have been wearing tight tops and tight jeans at night which shows my chest and butt. I haven’t been trying to make a statement I just feel better wearing them. My wife committed that I look good and she said I have a .....”something about you” is different but really nice. I was happy to hear that. I felt so confident that I have been pulling up my boy shorts to tan my butt and front with a feminine tan line. (I am still in boy mode). No one said anything or looked at me weird. I basically turned my boy shorts into a bikini bottom. The little one did ask why I was doing that and the older one said dads just try change his tan line. I said yes I am I should try to find a shorter bathing suit to make it easier and my wife said I can help you find something. She seemed to like the idea and that was so amazing. We went for a walk this morning and she wanted me to show her the spa and gym (I’ve been going every day for yoga) so with coffee in hand I showed her where everything was. Then we made a couples  message and facial appointment together. We are basically going to have a girls day tomorrow. We are even getting our nails done together. I feel like such a girl and very loving. At the same time I feel like a strong dad which is kind of confusing really. At dinner tonight my little one was getting picked on (while we were waiting for our table) so I went and called out the drunk 18-19 year olds and straighten them out (there was about 20 of them but only one punk). I was in dad mode big time. Everything worked out fine but it got me thinking. What am I ? Girl .... boy..... both.....I guess I’m just me and I like both parts. I know it will take a long time to figure all this out but what an amazing experience. Strangers have definitely been checking me out but I can’t read the looks anymore so I just go with the flow and take it as a compliment. I was worried about this trip but reality it has proven me wrong. Again. I never know what is going to happen in a day.  Christy

Christy

Christy

 

First time in bathing suit

Well I am off for the islands! This will be the first time I will be ina bathing suit since I started my transition. I am not afraid anymore. I am also ready to tell my wife but I will wait until she is in a better place in her life. It will be interesting to see how the public will react to me. In the air port I was getting a lot of looks. Not sure if they are seeing female or male. Either way I don’t mind. I’m not a shy girl and I feel confident in myself. I will let you know what happens 😍😍  Christy👩🏼‍🔧

Christy

Christy

 

New experience.....

I had a great day today😃. I got dressed as the real me and went for a drive. I just needed to get out of the house so off I went. I didn’t make any stops but had to go and check on some stuff for a client. I felt very alive and girly but it was all normal to me. I had on just casual clothes so I wasn’t all dolled up. I did get  nervous that someone I knew would pull up next to me at a light or something but I have tinted windows so that was just in my head. Anyway it was nice to push myself a bit. I will be going on vacation and I will have to be in a bathing suit which is a little scary but we will see what happens. My body has been changing and people are starting to look at me with a tiny bit of “what’s different “ kind of thing. I just remind myself that I am a good person and I stay confident in who I am. I went golfing with my buddies for the first time in a while and they just said I have lost a lot of weight so that is cool. My breasts have gotten bigger and my  nipples hurt if I push on them. My but is bigger as well and muscle mass is going down showing more bones than before. I have been doing yoga and it is shaping my body nicely. My skin is sooooooo soft and my eyes are more green now than before. My eye lashes have also gotten darker/longer as well. When I was driving today I pulled down the visor to look in the mirror and I  could only see from my eyes down and I said wow I do look really girly. Crazy cool. I have also been trying to help some other trans friends here locally which is nice.  I’m kind of turning into a mentor which is just bizarre to me. I not sure how I feel about that....I guess it’s good.  I just don’t feel like I know enough and I don’t wanna steer  somebody in the wrong direction  accidentally. So I will be careful there. Thanks to all for your help😍 Christy

Christy

Christy

 

New friends ?

Well I am sitting here having my feet rubbed while getting a pedicure & manicure. There is a lot of maintenance that goes on with all this transition stuff but there are great perks too! Very relaxing. I was at my yoga class this morning and we have this new instructor who is great. I have been chatting it up with him just a bit and I think he is a very nice guy. Another guy is usually with him and they are probably a couple but I haven’t asked yet. I think that his partner is transitioning MTF but I don’t want to offend anyone so I haven’t asked. I guess that I will just be ready for the right moment. It would be great to make another friend that is MTF and in about the same stage of transition ( if I’m correct), as far as I can tell  anyway.  I made a mistake awhile back when I asked someone in private and they said no they weren’t transitioning and left it at that. Then I felt so bad about it..... and he said nothing....so I came out to him! What the hell...was I thinking. I wasn’t thinking. I am laughing at myself pretty hard right now. Another good day and my wife has started working on herself a little bit. Little more makeup, talking about weight loss, didn’t drink last night so I’m happy about that. We will see how it goes. Well off to work!😍 Christy ❤️  

Christy

Christy

 

Getting bolder.

So, I was thinking about all I’ve been through In the past couple of months and WOW!😁 at the beginning of my transition I was terrified of the smallest things but I just pushed forward. I had to. Little things seem like such a big deal, like wearing girl underwear (who can see that), getting a manicure or pedicure (guys do that all the time), using chap stick, getting laser on my back, trimming the hair on my body more, cleaning up my crazy eyebrows. It all seems so silly to me now but I guess that is the process I needed to go through. I still have little quirks but I don’t get stressed about it now. Well most of the time. Really the only time I find myself get tense is when I get blind sided by something and even then I just take a step back to evaluate. The eye movements technique does help. I have definitely gotten bolder in letting my physical changes present to the world. I have boobs and I don’t hide them under sweatshirts. My butt is getting more feminine and I wear pants to let it show. I don’t hide my skin care regime anymore. I will openly go and get my nails done. I think after I finally got honest with myself and truely accepted that I am trans is when I started testing myself. I was talking with my therapist about if I should continue transitioning. How I could stop for my kids and the long & short of it is I will not stop. I don’t want to and I don’t think I could without being miserable. That is a bad thing to teach my kids. So I finally let go of the old me. Not completely just the things that weren’t really me and work on that everyday which makes life more enjoyable and exciting. When I woke up this morning to get the kids ready for school I passed by a big mirror and looked at myself. Even with the bed head and sleepy eyes I saw a female looking back. Yes my appearance is looking more girls but this was something deeper kind of in the eyes. I also noticed that my hair is getting longer and I need to find some kind of androgynous hairstyle. I don’t know what to do about that so if you have any thoughts I’d love the input. My friend and I were having coffee and I told him (ftm) that I like his style so maybe that will work. Anyway, I wish you all a great day.  Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

The fantastic journey......

Hello again!  Things are going great and I am 42 days on hrt and 73 days since I started my transition. My body has been changing which feels great. I have spent time with my therapist working on coming out to my wife and I feel much better than before. We came up with a plan where I focus on the marriage and trying to get her wealthy and happy. She has been stressed and unhappy for awhile now. So I Asked her the other day about us, our future and if we could work on things. She told me that she is feeling much better about me and the marriage since I stopped drinking. I haven’t had a drink since I made the decision to transition or even a  desire to drink which is amazing. She is really stressed about work but I sense there is more to it. She has been drinking a lot herself and I told her I loved her and was worried. “I just want you to be happy what ever that means, it’s all going to be okay”. She seems to be happier since that day and I will just keep moving forward with her. The goal is to get her to a better place in her life so she will be able to handle the news of my transition. I am trying to think of her and my kids first. Hopefully she will open up about what is really under the surface. I have a couple of ideas so we will see. The fear that starts to take over when I practice coming out to her or even imagine it has really gone down. My therapist is also a trained neurobehavioral therapist so she has all these cool techniques to work with. One that has helped me tons has to do with eye movements. When I feel that intense fear or while in therapy trying to feel it, she would hold her hand flat in front of my face about a foot 1/2 away. Then while I focus on the feeling she would move her hand from side to side and I would follow with my eyes, keeping my head still. Now, when we started this I thought it was stupid but I did it anyway. I did feel a tiny bit better that day. BUT... every time I start to feel that intense fear and anxiety, I do the eye movements pretending to follow her hand. It has worked amazingly well. Crazy good. I have been feeling so content and calm. I have actually been trying to feel the fear just so I can make it go away. She told me that the cycle of wanting to transition but not doing it because of fear and then pushing it away has built up in a progressive manner. This makes it harder and harder to get through it and most people don’t. I hope this help someone like it has helped me. What a fantastic journey......what will be next. I am writing this with my wife sitting right in front of me. I used to wait until I had some “safe time”. I have so much to say but I’m running late for a meeting. May tomorrow.  Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Guess who showed up.

Hello again.  Well, I had a couple of great days. I went to the laser appointment on Monday and it went well. She charged me $125 and will remove all the hair that laser couldn’t get with electrolysis for $35. That includes the back and face and I will probably have the chest/abdomen done as well(for an added cost). As for the pain....ouch! especially the upper lip & chin. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but I had to take a break every couple of minutes. They don’t use any numbing cream for insurance purposes so that stinks but at least they have the cooling spray. She did say that this was the worst it will get because the the thick course hair is now gone. I guess the face is the most painful. My skin was a little red and sensitive for about 3 hours but not to bad. The hair should start to fall out over the next 2 weeks and then back for more in 5 weeks. It will be interesting to see the difference between laser and electrolysis. The whole process made me feel like I was moving forward with my transition. One more step. One more day. I am still trying to slow myself down a bit but everything keeps falling into place very comfortably so I’m not going to fight it. I felt so good and girly about the prospects of not have a beard that I stopped off at Walgreens. I picked up some makeup, nail polish, deodorant and other things because I was feeling so good. I’m not really nervous about shopping for “girl stuff “ anymore. I got home took a shower and shaved with the intention of getting some work done before lunch but that didn’t happen. After shaving I started to clean my face and then put on moisturizers which made my skin feel really nice. Then I decided to pluck a few eyebrow hairs but that just led to full makeup. Light, but it was the most makeup I have put on in many many years. I loved it, and my eyes got bigger and brighter...I was feeling great. I decided that I was going to keep the makeup on while I did some work. Boy clothes weren’t going to satisfy the girl looking back at me in the mirror, she was pushing forward. So, I put on a pair of my wife’s jeans (fit pretty good), a nice stretchy top that fit perfectly (careful not to get makeup on it, lessen learned) and a cute pair of sandals. I then painted my nails a very light pink. I just couldn’t stop myself. It also taught me that I need more practice. Anyway, I was feeling very happy in a kind of content way but I felt like I wanted something more. Earrings! As I walked into the bathroom looking for that little extra something I glanced at myself in the mirror....I stopped. Turning to the side I sucked in my tummy and arched my back just a bit. With my left hand on my tummy and my right hand on my bum I looked into the mirror. Without meaning too I said out loud in a soft feminine voice “holy crap”. My eyes started to swell up with tears and my knees buckled slightly. As I stood back up into the same pose I said out loud “holy s... I love this....I love you”. I looked better than I expected (HRT must be working) and for the first time ever in my life, I was looking at the real me. I am sure many of you have had this experience yourselves but it’s hard for me to describe the feeling. My bum is fuller and a little jiggly, my breast’s were really visible in the colorful top and my skin looked so soft. My eyes were really bright and at that moment I knew that there was no turning back, I can’t. Not after feeling and seeing my true self. I have been saying to myself that if it becomes to much or to scary that I could stop. Just push it back down like I have in the past. Many times. I’ve done it before so I can do it again kind of thing. This is different. Stronger. Deeper. She finally showed up and I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I stayed as myself for the rest of the day choosing to work from home. No one else was home so I was free to do all the normal things around the house that I would do on any other day. I was even going to take a drive around town but the day flew by and I ran out of time. I slept realllllllllly well last night. In the morning I took care of the kids and some appointments for work. Then I went to Chico’s near my home and bought a pair of jeans and a nice top of my own then I went to see my therapist. I now have my very first outfit. Casual which I think reflects my personality. My therapist and I are working on what I need to do and how I am going to come out. I need to plan for the future. At times this freaks me out and then other times I am ok with whatever happens. We did some role play in therapy which really helped me. I will be taking care of my kids and then myself tonight (I have been doing a facial regime every night) and tomorrow I will be dressed as myself again. The crazy thing is now the roles I’ve been playing (so to speak) have flipped. When I dress as a man now I truly feel like a phony. Don’t get me wrong some of the boy clothes are comfy and nice but it has changed. It doesn’t feel normal anymore and even though I understand it intellectually I’m still a bit confused by the quick shift. I went back and read all my posts searching for some clarity and was amazed again at how far I have come in 47 days. Just astonishing to me. I just kept taking the next step, walking through my fears. Next as far as body changes go I will be looking into ffs and voice. I wouldn’t be where I’m at without the help, guidance, support and compassion you all have shown me. From my heart ❤️ thank you.    Live,love,learn Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

New day!

I had so much fun with that app and it really did lift my spirits but I started spending to much time with it. The pic started to bother me for some reason so I took it down. I found myself saying “oh I will never look that good” which probably isn’t healthy for me. The future is a  mystery.  Today was good, just kind of even as far as the transition goes. I did get to spend a lot of time with my kids and even took them to a show with my parents. We had a great time. My father still doesn’t know yet and I’m not sure how I will get the courage to tell him. I will work on telling him and my wife with the therapist next week. 😬 I am excited and nervous about my laser hair removal appointment tomorrow for my face. I have a feeling that might easy the dysphoria a bit because I can’t stand this beard. I couldn’t shave for 2 days in preparation for the laser. Ugh. I will have the opportunity over the next couple of days to sleep in girl clothes 😍 I have been taking care of my body, working out, eating healthy and just trying to enjoy all these new feelings. I do get some doubts but they don’t seem to last very long. Luckily I have some transgender friends that I met and they are a blessing to have in my life. One guy ftm, invited me over today to me his wife and family which was sooo nice but I had my kids so I couldn’t go. 😕 maybe next week.  I will post my thoughts on the laser tomorrow and if it hurts more than the back. I have a feeling it might. Well off to bed.   Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Time

I am feeling really girly today! As I was sitting on my patio this morning meditating, I felt more like a girl then ever before. Is was a very calm peasant experience that just make me feel happy and normal. It’s hard to put this into words but I guess I am starting to connect more with my true self. In the past I was always attached to the boy side because it was a great Benifit in my life. (Blessed with good looks) . People definitely treated me differently and it made life a little easier in most cases. When starting this transition that was something I didn’t want to let go of, so I was holding on to it. But as the boy is disappearing and the girl wakes up I am letting go of the things that were holding me back from being me. What a fascinating experience to go through. I am realizing how my much I have trained myself, not only in mannerisms but in thoughts as well. I am finding out more about what I really like in life and the true nature of why I made certain choices in the past. Looking at the past I can see many of the opportunities that presented themselves for me to transition. I guess I knew that when they were right in front of me (to some extent anyway) but just couldn’t take the next step. In hindsight I was just afraid of the unknown and that fear steered the course my life for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I have had a great life filled with a ton of blessings but it was kind of manufactured to some extent. Now it’s starting to fell more organic or natural in a way. At the same time my brain is saying, hey! Wait just a minute there.....you are physically manufacturing your body with HRT and taking certain steps to change. That is not organic at all sooo.....I guess this must be on the spiritual level in some way. Either way it just feel correct. It’s kind of like the energy of the world is saying ahhhhhhhh finally we are on the right path. Welp! Time to shave the beard off! I am really looking forward to laser hair appointment. 😜 live,love,learn Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Time

Hello all😃 Everything is going well today. I am healing up great from the surgery and getting some energy back. I still have glue on the  incisions but they look good. I am able to get around for work and everything else but I do take it easy. Going to the gym now for a short walk and to see what else I can do. HRT is going well and feeling fine. I have noticed some growth in the breasts and the butt/hips although it is very small and I’m fine with that. My butt and chest definitely jiggle more now. I would like my butt to be a little firmer so that is why I’m going to the gym. Stair master! Slowly.  I do have a sense of peace in my life now that I haven’t felt for a long time. Oh and my eye lashes are definitely growing or getting darker because my bottom lashes were almost invisible before I started back in December. Now you can definitely see them just a bit. I have been working on my skin  routine for about two weeks now and the results are starting to show.  My face is definitely getting more feminized but my  pores  are still clogged so I think I might need to have that extracted or something. I was looking up some information on how to go about it and saw something about a hydrafacial. I watched a video on it and it look like it made a lot of sense but I’m not sure where to go.  I also scheduled an appointment to start facial hair removal and I will let you know how that goes as well. After the experience with laser removal on my back and arms I am quite confident it will go fine.  It’s also odd to me that little things that didn’t bother me as much before are starting to bother me more now. Like people calling me sir, (which I understand)  having more dysphoria regarding facial hair, body hair and wearing boy clothes.  I was just at a restaurant picking up some to food and when my order was ready the girl said “Sir your order is here”.  Which is completely normal. For the first time I stepped up and wanted to correct her but I didn’t. It caught me off guard or something, just a  twinge of  ”hey!” That’s not right. Weird. I have more appointments next week and will let you know how that goes. Off to the gym!!👏🏻 Live,love,learn🐠 Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Time to reflect

Hello all this is my story......I need to get it out. One of the first memories I have (regarding my gender) is playing in the stair well of the apartment complex which had 3 levels and a wall of glass looking outside. We were making up stories and playing them out by choosing characters and I reallllllllly wanted to be the mermaid. I was 5 years old. Everyone played and we had a lot of fun, girls and boys. We continued to play this way for the summer on and off, but each time we played I wanted to be a female character and sometimes argued with the girls over it. Only one time did I concede the role I wanted to another girl and that was only because the boys started making fun of me. As we played these roles over time the girls started dressing up for their characters and well...I started borrowing their clothes or costumes and I really enjoyed it. I didn't really think any think of it, we were just having fun. That was one of the first memories. The years went bye and I still wanted to be the girl, wearing girl stuff when I could. So, I did. Then the ridicule from others started to gain momentum (boys and girls) so I started keeping thing to myself more & more. I was about 8-9 and I remember sitting in the bathroom for long periods of time wishing I had a vagina and hating my penis. That’s when I learned how to take my boy parts and make them look like girl parts. Always wishing they would just stay that way but they never would. I would lift the testis up in the pockets, push the penis back into my body and pull the scrotum up and over everything. Then shape the scrotum to look like a vagina. It actually looked pretty good and relieved my dysphoria. (although I didn’t know it at the time) That’s when I swiped a pair of pantyhose from the laundry pile and put them on one night after dinner. My mom thought it was cute and allowed me to wear them while we watched TV. I love it!!!! I love the feeling on my skin and the way it made me feel inside. I was just a little closer to being a girl than ever before. I liked it so much that I started wearing my sister’s clothes as well and asking my mom to put make up on me, so she did. After some time that is how I dressed whenever I could and I would sleep in girl clothes if given the opportunity. Then one day that was it…..I was told that this is not appropriate and I could not dress like a girl anymore. I was very upset and didn’t see what the big deal was. I guess someone saw me and then ask my parent about it so they made up some story and put the brakes on all of it. So, they thought……. I just went underground with my dressing and loved it. I would put on my little sister’s gymnastics outfit (leggings & bodysuit) and fall asleep almost every night wishing I would magically turn into a girl the next day. Over and over and over again. I just kept acquiring more things to wear over the years and making sure to hide them well. My dad did kind of catch me once but he didn’t really see what I was doing and we never spoke of it. Whsheww… This went on until I was about 14-15 and then I really started ramping up things. Also on the outside I was a cute boy with lots of girlfriends, I was having a lot of fun in life. I guess I thought this would pass or I would just keep it a secret forever. Nobody needs to know that I like this stuff. Well My mom started working again so I found myself home alone almost everyday for at least 2 hrs. That is when I started dressing all the way. I had just a bit of hair on my legs so I shaved them. I was completely dressed as a girl from shoes to hair & makeup. I would do this every chance I could, keeping it very very quite. Until one day I just had to go out into the world and I wasn’t even aware why I felt this way. I just had to do it. So I went out to get the mail and came back in. It was so exciting and I thought that even if someone saw me they would never know it was ME. Well someone did see me and asked my mom about it and then…she asked me. Soooo, I lied my way around that one as well, I felt terrible, ashamed and scared. So back in the closet again little girl…away with you. I was really good at sports and decided to focus all my attention on that as well as girls. (I just loved the girls so cute) I had to ask myself if I was gay or not…but if I liked girls and not boys (sexually) what the hell is going on. This must be a phase or something. More time goes by and I never spot dressing in female clothes when I want to or when I can. All the time seemingly living a great cismale life. Sports, Collage, Social, etc. Then while I was working as a part time personal trainer some friends decided to move out to LA. One of the guys going backed out and they asked me. I said yes and pack up my stuff. At the age of 20 I found myself in a whole new world that was exciting and scary. I won’t go into the details but I started wearing female underwear and well you get it. Still hiding. I made the decision that there is nothing weird about it and lots of rockers were wearing makeup. That is when I started to transition and it felt really great until my friends started questioning me and at other times making fun of the LBGT community. I was freaking out and instead of going forward I went the other way. I became super fit and shaped my body into something I could be proud of. I was trying to over compensate for the way I felt and I continued this for 15yrs.………Damnn. So now I have a wife and kids and time is not on my side. I thought many times that I will take it to the grave and years passed by. But it is always there. I have even come close to death a couple of times by trying to drink this away but…..nope. So, this past holiday season came to an end and I made the decision to move forward no matter what. The crazy thing is that after truly making this decision I have a sense of calm come over me. I am happier. I know there are going to be ups and downs but that is how life is, transgender or not. It has been a little over a month on herbals and only couple of days on HRT. I have noticed many small changes from my breasts, skin, hair, butt etc. and they feel correct. Well that is all I have time for now but I will be updating this blog on a regular basis. Thanks so much and remember live,love,Learn Christy Male to Female (MtF) Transsexual Dis   
  Hello everyone! Well I’m feeling much better today. I can move around pretty well. I will need to take it easy for awhile, no yoga😞. But I can still walk! I started HRT yesterday and really happy about that. I haven’t been able to wear anything girly which is bumming me out a bit but that’s life. I have been practicing my voice and as hard as it is I think it’s going well. My  throat is a little soar from the air tube during surgery but that actually helped me with my tone because I had to speak softly. I was even speaking at a higher pitch it just didn’t hurt as much. I was thinking I should have had them suck out the extra fat around my belly when they were in there. Lol. Anyway, the HRT is great, easier and cheaper the the herbals were. The Endo told me to stop all herbals and she will see me in 30 days. I will also get another blood work up done this week. I have been online looking for a pair of sandals, jeggings and some sort of top to wear.  I want something that’s kind of androgynous for the shoes and the top. The jeggings look like jeans. Not sure if I can pull all this off right now but I am going to keep moving forward. I do have a question...do your eyelashes grow or come in thicker when your on HRT? I hope so   Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Time.......

Hello all this is my story......I need to get it out. One of the first memories I have (regarding my gender) is playing in the stair well of the apartment complex which had 3 levels and a wall of glass looking outside. We were making up stories and playing them out by choosing characters and I reallllllllly wanted to be the mermaid. I was 5 years old. Everyone played and we had a lot of fun, girls and boys. We continued to play this way for the summer on and off, but each time we played I wanted to be a female character and sometimes argued with the girls over it. Only one time did I concede the role I wanted to another girl and that was only because the boys started making fun of me. As we played these roles over time the girls started dressing up for their characters and well...I started borrowing their clothes or costumes and I really enjoyed it. I didn't really think any think of it, we were just having fun. That was one of the first memories. The years went bye and I still wanted to be the girl, wearing girl stuff when I could. So, I did. Then the ridicule from others started to gain momentum (boys and girls) so I started keeping thing to myself more & more. I was about 8-9 and I remember sitting in the bathroom for long periods of time wishing I had a vagina and hating my penis. That’s when I learned how to take my boy parts and make them look like girl parts. Always wishing they would just stay that way but they never would. I would lift the testis up in the pockets, push the penis back into my body and pull the scrotum up and over everything. Then shape the scrotum to look like a vagina. It actually looked pretty good and relieved my dysphoria. (although I didn’t know it at the time) That’s when I swiped a pair of pantyhose from the laundry pile and put them on one night after dinner. My mom thought it was cute and allowed me to wear them while we watched TV. I love it!!!! I love the feeling on my skin and the way it made me feel inside. I was just a little closer to being a girl than ever before. I liked it so much that I started wearing my sister’s clothes as well and asking my mom to put make up on me, so she did. After some time that is how I dressed whenever I could and I would sleep in girl clothes if given the opportunity. Then one day that was it…..I was told that this is not appropriate and I could not dress like a girl anymore. I was very upset and didn’t see what the big deal was. I guess someone saw me and then ask my parent about it so they made up some story and put the brakes on all of it. So, they thought……. I just went underground with my dressing and loved it. I would put on my little sister’s gymnastics outfit (leggings & bodysuit) and fall asleep almost every night wishing I would magically turn into a girl the next day. Over and over and over again. I just kept acquiring more things to wear over the years and making sure to hide them well. My dad did kind of catch me once but he didn’t really see what I was doing and we never spoke of it. Whsheww… This went on until I was about 14-15 and then I really started ramping up things. Also on the outside I was a cute boy with lots of girlfriends, I was having a lot of fun in life. I guess I thought this would pass or I would just keep it a secret forever. Nobody needs to know that I like this stuff. Well My mom started working again so I found myself home alone almost everyday for at least 2 hrs. That is when I started dressing all the way. I had just a bit of hair on my legs so I shaved them. I was completely dressed as a girl from shoes to hair & makeup. I would do this every chance I could, keeping it very very quite. Until one day I just had to go out into the world and I wasn’t even aware why I felt this way. I just had to do it. So I went out to get the mail and came back in. It was so exciting and I thought that even if someone saw me they would never know it was ME. Well someone did see me and asked my mom about it and then…she asked me. Soooo, I lied my way around that one as well, I felt terrible, ashamed and scared. So back in the closet again little girl…away with you. I was really good at sports and decided to focus all my attention on that as well as girls. (I just loved the girls so cute) I had to ask myself if I was gay or not…but if I liked girls and not boys (sexually) what the hell is going on. This must be a phase or something. More time goes by and I never spot dressing in female clothes when I want to or when I can. All the time seemingly living a great cismale life. Sports, Collage, Social, etc. Then while I was working as a part time personal trainer some friends decided to move out to LA. One of the guys going backed out and they asked me. I said yes and pack up my stuff. At the age of 20 I found myself in a whole new world that was exciting and scary. I won’t go into the details but I started wearing female underwear and well you get it. Still hiding. I made the decision that there is nothing weird about it and lots of rockers were wearing makeup. That is when I started to transition and it felt really great until my friends started questioning me and at other times making fun of the LBGT community. I was freaking out and instead of going forward I went the other way. I became super fit and shaped my body into something I could be proud of. I was trying to over compensate for the way I felt and I continued this for 15yrs.………Damnn. So now I have a wife and kids and time is not on my side. I thought many times that I will take it to the grave and years passed by. But it is always there. I have even come close to death a couple of times by trying to drink this away but…..nope. So, this past holiday season came to an end and I made the decision to move forward no matter what. The crazy thing is that after truly making this decision I have a sense of calm come over me. I am happier. I know there are going to be ups and downs but that is how life is, transgender or not. It has been a little over a month on herbals and only couple of days on HRT. I have noticed many small changes from my breasts, skin, hair, butt etc. and they feel correct. Well that is all I have time for now but I will be updating this blog on a regular basis. Thanks so much and remember live,love,Learn Christy

Christy

Christy

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