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Emma

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As I increasingly accept my transgender self I find understanding of past issues and behaviors that I have often wondered about. Two in particular have become clear very recently.

1. Unexplainable breakups

As a teen and young adult I had plenty of girlfriends. I suppose I was attractive enough, "nice," and possibly they sensed a level of kindness and sensitivity that was lacking in other boys and young men. Several of these relationships went on for a long time and seemed to be headed for marriage until I just had to break it off. That was incredibly hard for me since I hated the thought of hurting these girls/women and perhaps worse, I didn't have the words to tell them why I just had to do it. Now I know.

I could not find the courage or vocabulary to tell them about my transgender feelings and desires. And, I could not risk their telling other friends and associates any of it. So after the exhilaration of having a soul mate I broke it off and broke their hearts and mine.

Thus, I sincerely apologize to Stacy, Leslie, Megan, Jane, Deanne, and others I've hurt. I've carried a lot of guilt over the years about my behavior and I hope that at some point you found in your hearts to forgive me.

2. Secrecy is the breeding ground for negative assumptions

For most of my life I've had fears and intuitions that my parents, friends, wive(s), sons, and associates were mad at me or otherwise disappointed. I'm realizing now that the root of this is my almost unceasing review of whether or not my secret has been exposed.

Also, I've always had such a strong need for external validation, often sacrificing (and rarely sharing) my wants and desires in order to gain favor.

I apologize to myself for this. I also forgive myself. I really have always tried to be as good a person as I can be.

Here again, accepting and disclosing my transgendered nature is good for me. You've come a long way, baby!

Photo: a cathedral in Helsinki, Finland.

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I think that many will benefit from reading this blog entry and hope others can do the same as you have done!!!

In regards to your apologies listed, what I did for all the females I dated since 2000 was tell them by phone and or in person. I really makes a difference to them and myself.

Thanks for posting this Emma

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Thank you, Karen, that's very thoughtful of you to write that to me and more importantly to follow up with the women you dated. I've been married to my wife since 1996 and before that to my ex-wife since 1982 (I think!) with no other women in between. I suppose at some point I'll tell my ex but certainly not before I tell our two sons.

In fact I was just thinking about when I would have that discussion with my sons. The greater priority is for my wife and I to make some more progress (we are doing pretty well these days) and for me to be a bit more settled in my self-acceptance and presentation in the TG spectrum.

Anyway, thank you again. Those were interesting epiphanies for me and I do hope they help others.

Take care,

Emma

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