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Muddy Trenches


WarrenG

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Sometimes I cant help but wonder why I bother trying. Why I push so hard to make things right...

Today's my birthday, yes that much is true. And it werent a 'bad' day, and my bfs family and whatnot did what they could to make it nice for me. But I'll admit, it was a little hurtful not to see "Warren" or "Ren" on my birthday card. Due to butting heads about it, they left it blank...Instead of a birthday cake, they did a various sliced cheesecake...most likely to avoid the name situation again. Why is it so goddamn hard to use a name that I LEGALLY claimed as my own? Just thinking about the stubbornness makes me tear up...It's not fair...

Although the beach trip was postponed from Saturday to Sunday for better weather, I cant help but get super grumpy at the same time every night, not sure why. Consistantly, every single night, I get overwhelmingly p***ed off every time at absolutely nothing, making people around me miserable. I dont mean to do it, it just....happens...

I'm gaining weight back, which doesnt really sit well with me, making me even MORE depressed. I joined a transgender support group on facebook which, at first, was great. Made me feel good to talk to other FTMs and whatnot, but recently I've found it more and more depressing. Watching other transguys go through their lives successfully with supportive family and friends, getting their surgery dates and starting hormones....I dont have any of that. I have two supportive people, and the rest are "tollerating" my "condition". I cant afford my surgery. I cant afford hormones...I literally cannot help but cry like a baby when I think about how long I'll be stuck with these f***ing "tumors"....I want them gone. Perminatly. I dont want a half-assed downsizing, I want them GONE. G.O.N.E.

I'm just....so tired of waiting...Nothing is going anywhere. I'm walking in circles it seems. Nothing I do changes any of it. At least, that's what it feels like. I've found myself curling up in a ball trying to sleep, crying and thinking about it all. I'm stuck in a hole.....

My state has nothing to help me with, as if it's bound and determined to keep me in my "feminine place". My insurance was useless when I DID have it, and now that I dont have any at all, it hurts even more. Everywhere I turn to, turns into a dead end. Endless loops. Anyone I meet who is supposed to help, cant. Anyone I hope to understand, doesnt. I'm just so lost...Even now, thinking about how much I'm in the dark on direction, I start to tear up. I've fallen back into that dark corner of my mind, regardless of what I do. I took a double dose of my muscle relaxant, as I were told I'm allowed to, just to try and sleep and escape my grief. Come to find out, I cannot handle that much, and had a reaction to it. I dont even remember damaging my bicep, all over again....and now...I'm hooked all over again. It's all I think about. All that crosses my mind. Dare I say, the habit has captured me in my vulnerable state once more.

Went to the salon today to get my hair cut....A place where my hairstylist KNOWS that I'm transgendered. We've talked about it and I gave a brief discussion, and she'd never questioned it before. Never had a problem, and I loved going there! I still do, to a degree.....She hired another boothrenter, or another stylist you could put it, to help her with the work load. This 2nd hairdresser seemed nice enough, really. I didnt have an issue with her for the most part. But...she kept repeatedly calling me feminine pronouns and such, and it was really starting to bug me...Waiting for MY stylist to say something only seemed to hurt more when she said "Why dont you go let this sit while I cut your sisters hair?" to my little sister...about me...... Dare I say it, my heart broke a little. I smiled and ignored it, but it hurt...it still hurts...I know some of it is on my part for not stepping up and saying something about it, but how could I? Not without it making a scene or upsetting someone. It just....it hurts....everything hurts. Emotionally I'm exhausted. Mentally I'm conflicted. Physically I'm weak. I cannot go to bed without getting so frustrated I end up punching parts of myself because I just hate them. I hate them being there. I hate seeing them. I hate feeling them. I hate literally EVERYTHING about them...

I dont even regret self harming...I'm not hurting anyone but myself. And sometimes its the only relief I get, and none of it is life threatening. So what does it really f***ing matter? If no one can help me with my gender problems, how the hell do I expect someone to help me with my harming problems? I'm a wreck, and I'll just have to deal with it. Lay in the mud of the trench that is my life. Occasionally I have the little flowers that pop up out of the mud like you guys, my boyfriend or two sisters. But basically....that's it. And its hard to see them through all the mud and darkness.... I just...dont know what to do anymore...

I almost dont even care anymore.

Warren

(new hair. mastered the fake smile)

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Dear Ren,

if that's not a young man looking at me, from your photo, I don't know what is. You look terrific, handsome, although I know you were faking your smile.

I also fully get how you're feeling so depressed, irritable, pissed off. But I do wish you a happy birthday. Maybe my wish won't come true but I wish it with all my heart nonetheless. 

All of my birthday cakes for you are for Warren, my friend. I hope you can hang in there. We miss hearing from you.

Many warm hugs,

Emma

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To the handsome young man named Warren,

First, Happy Birthday!  

If I saw the photograph of you, I would not have known that this is a transman.

Warren, there are days when anyone is blue.  Today I was blue.  Had to go to the library and had to ask for assistance on several occasions on one visit to use their computer (I had to make hard copies of an e-mail, and technology is always marching on, while I am standing stock still . . . LOL!)  

Twice, two small children pointed at me, asking about my disability, using the word, "cripple."  The mothers shushed their child, but I didn't know what to say, because my disability is very complex.  Was not angry or offended, but was not comfortable because I did not know how to interact with mother and child in a positive way (did not want to see the two children reprimanded).  

Last several weeks having a dispute with BOTH my credit card company AND a vendor . . .

What do I do when it "piles up"?

First, I try to decide what is the BIGGEST issue that I am confronting TODAY.  Then I ask myself, what can I do about it TODAY?  When I have made all efforts to address the issue, I set it down, and take on NOTHING ELSE for that day.  The NEXT day, I repeat the process, addressing only ONE issue.  No more than one issue per day do I address.  Miraculously, many of the issues will go away by themselves, so subtly, that I can not remember what was bothering me.

As for Facebook or any other website, or even group of people, I ask myself, does this person, website, social media organization, organization, school, employer PULL ME UP or DOWN?  Seek out situations that consistently PULL YOU UP.  Stay away from situations that tend to PULL YOU DOWN.  

Warren, I hope this helps.  We both started out with a difficult day, and I hope by the end of the day, we both end with a good day!

Always your friend,

Monica

Edited by MonicaPz
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