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1st Endo Appointment Not what I was hoping for.

So today was my first endo Appointment. It did not go as I'd hoped, but not for the reasons i thought. I knew that I would not start testosterone today. Let me be clear about that, right away. I was however hoping that I would find out when I get to start. I got lost on my way to the clinic because Yale New Haven Hospital is a Zoo! New Haven is a terrible smattering of crazy drivers and one way streets. Think of it like as tiny New York filled with even more assholes.

I was late even though I set out to be 20 minutes earl I was twenty minutes late. Got charged 6 bucks for parking at the hospital. Maybe I'm just a country bumpkin, but Charge me as I'm trying to get medical treatment, WTF?

By ten minutes in it was clear that I wouldn't be starting soon, there was discussion of who diagnosed me with gender identity disorder? Was I not being clear enough? How hard do i have to hate myself before people help with the problems I actually have. I'm sick of doctors appointments and of doctors. As she explained what my body would do on T, i got the slight inclination that she was nervous. I'm not blindly jumping into this, it's not that I'm claiming I knew everything she told me but i did know I'm not gonna be a supermodel. I have no misconceptions that I may end up looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame and that T may make my insulin resistance worse... I don't give a damn. Also if one more person informs me that I'm overweight I'm going to lose my shit! (Is there some secret to weight loss that will help me lose 60 lbs in a week or month?) I have been patient I waited three months just to speak to her! Just not a good day at all. I'm so disappointed.

Also i have the final draft of my spoken word poem I will post it soon.


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Posted

Dear Ben,

Please consider testosterone as serious as surgery.  Set up a SECOND and THIRD opinion NOW, so, even though you have to wait a long time, the second and third opinion will likely be close together.

Am very sorry about your doctor's reluctance, but she may have had second thoughts due to fear of liability.  Don't ask HER for referrals for the second and third opinion but a doctor that you TRUST.

Your friend,

Monica

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Posted

Unfortunately disappointment in transitioning is part of the journey, no beating around the proverbial bush, I had so many but rather than stay mad at the world I got over it and made me stronger rather than weaker and be in despair. One must push through this, learn from it and move on.

In regards to over weight, you know, not everyone can be in their perfect weight range and those whom are telling you this need to realize this and be respective to you in that you might be one that is hard to lose weight while you need to make an effort and prove to them you are making an effort.

I so hope that you will move forward no matter the obstacles put in your path.  

 

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Dear Ben,

Agree with Karen about frustration with weight.  As long as you are doing everything to manage your weight, you will have to acknowledge that it is on the DOCTOR who is criticizing you, rather than on YOU.  Feel in the coming years and decades that there will be real answers as to why some are slim and trim and others have a tendency to put on the pounds.  Have a slim and trim doctor who does NOT nag me about my weight because she knows I am doing all I can to manage it, but if she did, I would seek out a doctor of size (preferably female).  We are ALL different and all beautiful, each in our own way!

Your friend,

Monica

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Update: I've been hitting the gym every other day. I've lost 8 pounds in the last month. I'm not expecting anyone to compliment me, but it's frustrating that they need to comment. They weigh me fully clothed of course i'm gonna weigh more and some how i'm always 240. At the gym and on my home scale I weigh 228-230. that's kind of a big difference.

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Dear Ben,

Learn all you can about "adrenal fatigue," by googling and YouTubing it.  

Notice with myself I gain pounds and then inches (or vice versa) alternately, and it is the same when I lose weight.

Also noticed recently I am dealing with bloating, which can be caused by glucose intolerance (even by eating too much sweet fruit) and lactose intolerance (eating too much dairy).

Have accepted that I am a big woman, and other can or can not accept that.

When it comes to dating, I am drawn to women my own size, and I notice people are drawn to friends and partners near their own size.  Can understand that with lovers, but not with friends!  Go figure!!

Ben, you are a handsome man, and I feel that a lot of skinny and thin girls will find you handsome!

May I suggest that you develop a talent, such as singing, playing an instrument, joining a band, etc.  Those kinds of talents get people away from the physical and into who and what you really are!

Your friend,

Monica

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Hello Monica. Somebody's Size, Does Not Matter, Especially When It Comes To Friends. Monica, I Would Be Proud To Be Seen With You, At Any Time. You Are My Friend, And You Also Have A Heart Of Gold. I Take People As Individuals, Regardless Of Their Race; Creed; Colour; Religion; Gender; Sexuality; Or Size ! It Is The Whole Person That Matters, And By That, I Mean  What Somebody Is Like Inside, As Well As Outside. Monica, Have A Great Day, Speak Soon. Take Care My Friend, And Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo 

 

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