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How Do I Just Let Go of Family?

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(Because this is too long to get to the point, I added the end at the top, and the rest can be considered background information. Sorry it's all over the place)

Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet.

I am done with them, and their BS.

I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10.

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My whole family exists of three people: Grandma (who lives a few hours away), Mom and Sister (who is married and has a daughter). My dad died 4 years ago, and he was the glue that held us all together as a unit.

When I was a kid, my mom was pretty crazy, throwing things at people for no reason, beating all of us, name calling. I am pleased to say she has mellowed out now with her crazy antics.

My sister and I were never close. I always looked up to her, but she never wanted me around. She always belittled me, embarrassed me, beat me. As adults, we rarely talk. My sister still refuses to call me by my new name because it's "not legal" and sees nothing wrong with that. This was a few months ago, and I told her I wanted nothing to do with her until she apologized.

Before my dad died, my parents, sister and brother in law would always go to ball games, go on "family vacations" and always had BBQ's. I would never receive a call asking to join them in anything. I would always hear about all the fun they've had together at Birthdays or holidays, or those rare times I was actually invited over.

All of the birthday and holiday plans are planned around my sister and brother in law family schedules, and mine aren't even considered. I work with a different schedule every week, and that makes it difficult to plan things. Especially when I go out of my way to make sure I have the Monday off then all of a sudden, the in laws need to have that day, so family plans get cancelled, and I don't get to go after all. Or travelling with the baby is so inconvenient, but then they do anyway. Or the bro in law has a sports game he needs to watch/attend or play.

The next "story" is one example of many similar situations.

The Thanksgiving when I was in 10th grade, my brother in law's mom invited my parents to their house for dinner. My mom just said, "we've been invited to go, so you have to come up for something on your own." A few hours later his mom called me and asked if I wanted to join them, as she didn't realize I was by myself.

I came out to my family as trans shortly before my dad died. Mom and Sister have a hard time respecting my trans identity,  they keep up the tradition of excluding me in planned "fun" things. We even made a plan to show up at the funeral home to view my dad as a family, and when I showed up 30 minutes early (to be sure I wouldn't be late), they were already in there. Two years ago, I had enough and completely cut them out of my life. Mostly, I just didn't answer the phone or show up for my mom's birthday, my birthday or Christmas.

My mom had called me after midnight sometime in January and I told her how terrible I felt with the way they treated me. I got a lot of stuff off my chest. She "didn't remember" the bad things she did when I was a child. In fact she called me a "little prick for lying"

The next week, she had a heart attack, and me being me, I showed up to the hospital for support. My mom and I made a plan to start fresh. I thought it was going pretty well too. I made a post here about when Caitlyn Jenner came out and her interview, and my moms reaction. Things started to look up.

My mom has this thing where she will make plans with me to visit Grandma, but then cancel them for my sister. Mom doesn't drive the freeways, so she would need to be driven. She has made multiple plans to come to me, then I drive the 2 hour drive. We have never actually done it, because she tells my sister, then all of a sudden, sister is driving. Sister has no room in her car because of the baby seat. Did I mention, I don't have a car, so I can't get to see Grandma as much as I would love to.

The last time this happened the bro in law had a baseball game on the day mom and I planned to go, and because of that they switched days completely, and my mom didn't want to go two days in a row (which I understand that), I blew up and told her I had enough of them dictating the dates of these events, especially since we already had plans.

Basically, the reason for this post, yesterday my mom wanted to go out for dinner. She told me to be there for three so we could have an early dinner. By six, we still hadn't left for the restaurant, and at 6:30 my sister, bro in law and niece show up, for dinner too. Unexpected by me. By 8, we still hadn't left for the restaurant because they had a late lunch and weren't hungry yet.

I am done with them, and their BS.

I have tried to let go of all the negative memories from the past but I don't know how. And every time I see my family, I feel so drained and upset for days afterwards. I feel like I keep having the same discussions with them, and they change for a bit, but then it gets back to where it is just the same as when I was 10.


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Posted (edited)

Brigsby, you may have to put them "on ice" (no contact) for a year or two, so that your and theirs minds can clear.  In my case, I put my family on ice for TEN years, and it gave all of us time to get past the toxicity, build our own lives, so that we had less baggage to bring to the table.  Want to warn you, though, when you reconnect with your family, after having had put them on ice, there WILL be some drama, and you will have to patiently work through it.  Good luck!

Edited by MonicaPz
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Hiya Brigsby. Fortunately, You can choose Your Friends, But, Unfortunately, You cannot choose Your Family !  Your Friends, they are the Family, that You choose for Yourself !  Brigsby,  My Parent's blew My Family apart, nearly 18 Year's ago. My Mother, is Nothing but a Complete Control Freak !  I have had No contact whatsoever, with Most of My Family, since. There were just 10, that I did, and the only 2, that I did see, are now sadly passed-away. The only contact I have with the other 8, is card's in the post, on Birthday's, and Christmas.  Brigsby, cherish Your True Friend's, the one's who stick by You no matter what ! Here at TGGuide, You are in a Very Safe, and Friendly Environment. Brigsby, I Came-Out, as Transsexual, on 30th. April, 2015; and I started Fully, Full-Time, Female-Dressing, and Living, on 1st. May, 2015. I Am happier now, than ever Before !  Brigsby, I truly hope, that You can find Happiness !  My advice, to You, would be to completely cut ties, with Your Family, change Phone Number's, change E-Mail Addresses, Etc. ( I know it might be hard to do, but, it will be well worth it ! ). Brigsby, Live Your Life, for Yourself ! Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes to You. Regards, Stephanie. 

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Hi Brigsby

 

Its unfair for your family to expect that you must accept what they throw at you, but not allowing you to just be who you want to be.

 

I have uncles and aunts I cut off completely, because they were toxic.  One tried to re-initiate us talking a few years back and my college had to ask them to leave because I said the evil ghost has entered the office I was working in and I font speak to the dead.  Told him how we had a fight and I got written off and I it answered, "Fine, but never talk to me again as you are dead to me too."

 

With my siblings I only talk to my oldest sister as she was the only one that accepted me from a young age and even back then offered to pay for the surgery, which I refused and said I'll do it on my own.  I'm talking about 31 years back.  I frequently go to my brother's place (not the one who past away in 2005, but the middle child), not to see him but my niece as I can't make him change his mind.  Funny enough is in laws accepts the change and actually encourage me to stay true to myself.  But my sister slightly older then me, I physically speak to about 10 minutes out of the year as she and her husband are both dictators that decided I should listen to them as I am selfish to want to be happy.  My mom acts supportive, but she isn't, and it's fine.  I'm not relying on there support as I never needed their strength to continue on in my life.

 

What I can say is.  Make yourself happy, as it will reflect in how others see you.  And maybe they come around if not.  At the very least you'll get a, do what pleases you, but don't expect me to make life easy for what was left for you by your father (mine past away in 1999).  So, your ID changes are your problem to prove who you are.

 

If you like me, you'll take every blow as it comes and hopefully no one brings you down.

 

You are strong enough to cope with life.  You have a support system.

 

Strong's

Michele

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