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[TW] I'm an incest, rape and child abuse victim

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[TRIGGER WARNINGS; INCEST, CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE, SUICIDE, VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.]

Basically the gist of this is never casually joke about suicide and incest, ever.

I've found that support for myself as a transgender person among other transgender people is almost non-existent. So the gloves are off. I'm coming right out with my worst secret and wanting it public.

This post isn't a fancy infographic and it hasn't any gifs of gyrating bodies.  It has no pictures or selfies or cats.  It has no links to news stories or articles.  This post is a news story all its own.  It's one of the worst things you will ever read.  All of it is true.  God knows I can't put hours into one of my other posts and exist.  My posts require you to read. So here goes: no setup, no build, no background. No one's reading this far anyway.

My Mom knew I was a girl.  But, she also had a thing for teenage boys and everyone including my friends knew it.   When I was 11 or 12 she stripped naked in front of me and showed me how women masturbated. At some other point, we had intercourse.  She was attracted to me.  She needed her fix of teenage boys through me.  We kept this a secret because we knew how violently my biological father would react.

Later on, we knew we couldn't live with ourselves.  I was suffering from an eating disorder, bipolar disorder and gender dysphoria.  I was vulnerable.  At some point, we made a suicide pact.  We would at least die on the same day, if we couldn't die together.

On March 17, 2009, the suicide pact was finally enacted.  She died, I tried but didn't.  Why I am still alive is a story for another time.  Recently, I tried to tell my biological father that my anorexia had relapsed and I wanted to get some help getting something to eat.  He chose to humiliate me in a public place instead.

I went home and stared at a suicide note I had written a while ago, thinking they would be my last words.  My biological father has permanently surrendered his right to talk or look at me again.

It is a miracle I am still alive and I get no credit for my strength of character to avoid suicide.  I am not the rich spoiled brat transgender woman that tv news and daily newspapers favour.  My pain is much, much deeper than getting bullied at school.  But I am invisible.

I do not hate my Mom.  Her illness was not unknown and she clearly overcame it when my sister and youngest brother were most vulnerable. No physical damage or consequences came of it, like pregnancy or an STD.  I love my Mom and I think in penitence she has become my guardian angel.  She is a very good guardian angel.  I also had a  vision of her as The Shepherdess of the Garden of Twilight, the title of one of my novels.  But her role as such a Shepherdess is for another post.

No, it is my other family I hate because of this.  They should be taking care of me and helping me heal.  Instead, they think I am better off never hearing from them, and if I never contacted them, I could accurately say I have no family at all.

I have been through 23 years of therapy for my damaged childhood, and my family.  I will not be polite about it amymore. It has ruined my ability to enjoy sex with partners. But I said to my biological father "my anorexia has relapsed" and he chose to humiliate me anyway.  My anorexia relapsed because trauma about my sex with my Mom had been released. My therapist thinks I'm cured just by saying I was sexually abused. I don't think any other therapist will help, please have empathy and do not suggest any.

I confessed these things because no one is reading.  This is a long-form entry like my others and because it requires reading skills that high school students are no longer required to have, this blog entry is as invisible as I am.

My name is Debora Simon. My email is areaeightyfour@gmail.com | My twitter handle is @areaeightyfour | My facebook page is easy to find under Debora Margaux Simon | Please DM me on twitter or PM me on facebook or email me to contact me.  


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Posted

Dear Debora,

I read all of your post and want to applaud your bravery for writing. I also want to say how sorry I am to read it and, especially, how your family is treating you now. Thank goodness you survived your suicude attempt. 

It seems to me that you have come very far in your life and you have some well deserved pride of yourself. Clearly, you are a good person who deserves love and her place in this world. You're carving your place in it, too, all by yourself, which is sad. 

What will you do for the holidays? Do you have friends to be with? I hope so. This is an especially significant time when we need each other as human beings. 

As I write here now I keep thinking I should have more to say, advice and help to provide. I don't have much and I don't want to come off sounding like "all you have to do is" something. Depression, anorexia, childhood abuse, and unsupportive family isn't something that can be solved in a message. I wonder, do you see a therapist? It's a challenge to find one that's right for ourselves and it's expensive, but it's invaluable. 

So, thanks again for writing. Keep doing it. Pound your tears into your keyboard. Maybe we can help. We will try.

Warm hugs,

Emma

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Hiya Debora, I have sent You an EMail. Sweetheart, I have read Your blog right through. Wow, It Is very powerful. Debora, You can choose Your Friends, but, sadly, You Can Not choose Your Family. Your Friends are the Family You choose for Yourselves. Debora, this is a very true sentiment. Deborah, between Early August 1988, and Early February 1996, I Personally, made 3 Serious Suicide Attempts, because I wanted to "Come-Out" as Transsexual, but due to in acceptance, I was unable to. I Came-Out, on 30th. April, 2015, as Transsexual. That was like having a Massive-Weight, Lifted-Off Both of My Shoulder's !  Deborah, I have the Utmost Respect for You. You survived Your Suicide Attempt, because You are a Good Person, in fact a Terrific Young Lady. Deborah, Merry Christmas, AndA Happy New Year Sweetheart. Take Care, With My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xx 

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