• entries
    73
  • comments
    269
  • views
    12,065

I should not feel the way I feel

Entry posted

555 views

"You're too sensitive."

I've heard that so many times in my life. Worse, I believe it. 

I should not be hurt by rude people at work. I seem to be the only one who gets hurt. So no, I shouldn't be affected.

I should not like how I feel when I wear my dresses. After all, it's just cloth. A fabric of threads. And I'm not supposed to like them.

I should not be scared. Scared that people will discover how scared I am. Of being hurt. 

I should not even write this here. After all, I'm a mod; mods don't cry. 

"It's always all about you."

That hurts too. A lot. So if I didn't feel then it wouldn't hurt snd it would not have to be about me.

I should be happy, not sad. What have I got to be sad about? "I'll give you something to be sad about."

Shoulds suck. I should forget that word, delete it from my vocabulary. I like it when I feel my truegender. Inside and out. But it's just a feeling and I don't know if it's okay to feel. Is it? It doesn't seem like it. 

My cursor gently blinks as I ponder clicking the Submit button. Maybe this is what blogs can be for. Sometimes to pour out my heart. Show the world that I feel. I don't like it and I don't know what to do with it but there it is. 


5 people like this


12 Comments

Posted

Hiya Emma. You are a very sensitive Young Lady, because You are Female. I Am very sensitive, and even before I " Came-Out " as Transsexual, My emotion's used to appear very easily. Emma, embrace Your Femininity, and don't shy away from it. Whether You do or do Not have G.R.S., does Not stop them from being Transgender/Transsexual. ( Personally, I Do want Full G.R.S. But that Is My Own Personal choice. )  Emma, Please remember thiis, I Am here for You, if ever You need to talk. I appreciate All the support that You show to Us All. Emma, Take Care Sweetheart, and Big Hug:s to You. With My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xx 

3 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted (edited)

Oh Emma,

I really feel your sorrow, you're so right, should's are such crap. Should's are an excuse for the feelings of others close to you, should's are for not wanting to face imagined humiliations. Should's come from holding terrible secrets for so long. Should's are for people close to you who should know better, and be more understanding. Fact is that many of the people who should know and behave better, are scared of the unknown and their imaginings going on in their head, some even have secrets similar to yours, but hide them behind attacking others.

You know that I had similar misgivings for most of my adult life, but eventually the secret became such a burden that I just had to let it go and confront the truth with everyone. My wife (now partner) had huge misgivings that we'd be ridiculed when out and about, especially when out on campsites with our caravan, those misgivings soon evaporated when we had more people befriending us than when I was a male (how I hate that word), she is now really happy with our lives, but this was because she gave it a chance to succeed. Oh whatever people say behind our backs out of earshot we couldn't give a toss about, we both know who our real friends are, and real friends don't do that.

Of course if my wife hadn't given a chance for such a huge change to work, then we'd probably have split up, I just couldn't carry on living as I was, I needed change to survive.

It really sounds to me as if you're pretty close to getting to the point of not wanting to carry on living as you are anymore and realising that you have to change. It's scary, yes I well remember going through it, but what you probably don't realise is that once you start the process of renewal it gets easier, ok, you'll probably have a few sticky moments and unthought of consequences can sometimes crop up that sort of push you headfirst at times, but when you look back at one of those consequences you realise how far you've travelled, a bit like like the ladders in snakes and ladders.

I hope that you find some happiness soon,

Eve

Edited by eveannessant
3 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted

Dear Steph, Eve, Veronica,

Thank you for your sincere and kind words. I feel that I should make a poster out of them and put them all on my wall. I promise that I will save and treasure them, and you.

I am a little embarrassed here. Still feeling on edge and sensitive. I know from experience that these feelings come and go, ebb and flow, and in the intensity of the moment like last night I tend to catastrophize it all into binary, black or white, live or die. I suspect you know what I mean. Darn it, we are good people, loving people, and we just want to be loved and appreciated for the beauty that we have within and without, regardless of our birth sex, gender, or truegender. 

So, thank you again for writing. I truly appreciate your kindness.

Love,

Emma

xxxoooxxx

4 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted (edited)

Yes, Ebbing and Flowing, how I remember that, there's no need for embarrassment, I suspect many before have experienced it, for me the tides have slowed and almost disappeared, but it took time and hormones to achieve this within a stable environment.

So, now "batting for the other side" as my partner once put it, I can say that it's a very much more peaceful and interesting life, there's not much that I miss about my former existence when in the "other team', this I found to be unexpected, but also welcome.

To put it into nautical terms it's like seeing a severe storm brewing up slowly for a long time, going through some extremely rough, choppy and confused waters with huge waves of consequences all around you, to then come through the storm and find that the waters are calming down, eventually to find flat waters and calm sailing. I should leave nautical explanations to Veronica really ...........

Anyway we're all here for you, so put your best foot forward and get going..............................

Eve xx

 

Edited by eveannessant
4 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted

Oh Emma,

I really feel your sorrow, you're so right, should's are such crap. Should's are an excuse for the feelings of others close to you, should's are for not wanting to face imagined humiliations. Should's come from holding terrible secrets for so long. Should's are for people close to you who should know better, and be more understanding. Fact is that many of the people who should know and behave better, are scared of the unknown and their imaginings going on in their head, some even have secrets similar to yours, but hide them behind attacking others.

You know that I had similar misgivings for most of my adult life, but eventually the secret became such a burden that I just had to let it go and confront the truth with everyone. My wife (now partner) had huge misgivings that we'd be ridiculed when out and about, especially when out on campsites with our caravan, those misgivings soon evaporated when we had more people befriending us than when I was a male (how I hate that word), she is now really happy with our lives, but this was because she gave it a chance to succeed. Oh whatever people say behind our backs out of earshot we couldn't give a toss about, we both know who our real friends are, and real friends don't do that.

Of course if my wife hadn't given a chance for such a huge change to work, then we'd probably have split up, I just couldn't carry on living as I was, I needed change to survive.

It really sounds to me as if you're pretty close to getting to the point of not wanting to carry on living as you are anymore and realising that you have to change. It's scary, yes I well remember going through it, but what you probably don't realise is that once you start the process of renewal it gets easier, ok, you'll probably have a few sticky moments and unthought of consequences can sometimes crop up that sort of push you headfirst at times, but when you look back at one of those consequences you realise how far you've travelled, a bit like like the ladders in snakes and ladders.

I hope that you find some happiness soon,

Eve

​Hiya Emma. I bet You find the feelings get stronger each time. They did with Me, before I " Came-Out", which in itself, was like having A Massive Weight, Lifted-Off, Both Of My Shoulder's. Emma Sweetheart, You have absolutely No need to feel embarassed. We are Your Friend's that You are Speaking with.  Emma like Eve, I also think that You are getting to the point of Not wanting to carry on living as You are, anymore and realising that You have to change. It Is Scary, Yes.  Emma, when You feel like the time is right to change, go for it. We Are Here For You, When You Do. Sweet Lady, I Am So much Happier, Living Full-Time as the Female, that I have Always been inside. I think You may well feel the same way when You Change, and I think it may happen sooner, rather than later. When it Does happen, Embrace It, and Enjoy It !  Emma, Good Luck, Good Health, Take Care, And My Love And Very Best Wishes, Big Hugs, Stephanie. xxxoooxxx. 

4 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted

Great post, Emma! A moving one, with which I and I would think many others identify.

It sounds banal to say 'be yourself' ; it's hard to have confidence in the power to be just that. Doubt is appropriate in this confusing world. It's hard to distinguish appropriate doubt from under-confidence. (one can wonder about the extent to which being trans is likely to lead to both appropriate doubt and under-confidence).

You are exceptionally thoughtful in your dialog with others, so your communication is certainly not 'all about you'. But it is appropriate for your blog to be 'all about you'.

Love to you honey,

Debs xx

 

3 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted

"I should not even write this here. After all, I'm a mod; mods don't cry." --Emma

Yes, even mods cry.  I don't like to cry.  Don't like to admit that I do.  I've denied it when I've been caught.  I fight it when the urge to do so hits me.  Crying gives me a headache.  Maybe 'cause I fight it.  But sometimes... we have to have an outlet.  And sometimes...the only outlet, is to cry.

-Michael

4 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted

Yes even after 3 years of oestrogen and 15 months of decapeptyl, I still fight the urge to cry, such is the power of societal conditioning. It's so hard to instantly change one's sub-conscious values, that have been learnt over such a long period of time.....................................................

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted

Oh Eve, I am sorry that peace seems to be eluding you. You're a beautiful beacon and such a delightful woman. We all love to hear from you, shed tears with you, and protect you. But as you are on HRT, perhaps it is easier to cry, is it not? No need to fit it any longer. It is your birthright.

And Michael, you are always steadfast and strong, and even the strongest break down when they need to. I'm sorry to hear that you cry, too. But I love you all the more for it. 

Together, my friends, we are a close community. I dream that someday we are all together. What a fun gathering we would have! 

Warm hugs,

Emma

1 person likes this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted

Yes Emma it is easier to cry when on HRT, and I often feel the need to do so when I see something sad on the TV, however I still instinctively try to bottle it up, I don't plan to do that I just don't let go unless it so sad that I can't help myself. I know some trans girls can burst into tears for no reason at all whilst walking down the road, but hey ho we're not all identical in all respects. Likewise HRT can effect us all differently, not only with differing dosages but also in how we physically and mentally change, never has there been a truer saying than just be yourself !

Thanks Veronica, hope you're looking forward to your wonderful journey, mines been amazing so far, and it's the things that I hadn't thought about that I found the most amazing.

Hugs,

Eve

1 person likes this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted

Feel whatever you feel!  This is your life, and you're right to your feelings!  Saying to someone 'you're too sensitive' is really saying 'I can't be bothered atually behaving like a decent person and respecting others, or taking responsibility for my poor behavior, so I'll blame you so that i don't have to feel bad'.  The only person who can determine when sensitivity is a problem is the person feeling it.  Have a hug from me.

EVERYONE is affected by what they wear.  Males and females alike, and for everyone it's a different degree.  For me it's a mild mood changer, I suspect now that for Nikki it's a much bigger thing.  Neither of us is abnormal, just differently responsive.  Enjoy those dresses!  I'll cheer you on!

I'm scared too.  But that's okay.  Fear is a survival instinct, but the modern world seems to forget that.  It's okay to be scared, it's mental purpose is to make us be careful and aware of dangers around us.  Only you can know if fear is ruling your life, or enhancing it, and only you can know when too scared isn't okay.  I found for me, sharing the scared helps!  If it helps you, you can always share it with me. 

Mods bloody well do cry.  I won't pretend I don't feel a pressure to be 'professional and fair' in places I've had the pleasure/obligation to mod, but you still get to be yourself! 

There is no should in feelings.  We feel what we feel.  Then we have to decide what to do with those feelings.  But there is no one in the world who can emotion on demand, even actors have to work for it.  Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for having an amazing, complicated, confusing organ we call brains.  Brains are a lot of work.  They do things we will never consciously  understand.  THey absorb everything, and react to all that information.  None of us control them, they control us because they are what makes us. 

Walk whatever road you choose, feel however about it you choose, and I'm just happy I have this chance to know you and become friends!

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Posted

emma, I love the openness, support, and wisdom you and many others are expressing. I just wanted to add a few little things - like how wonderful you are and supportive to everyone else, so I'm glad you said how you felt and reached out when you needed it. sometimes I'm too sensitive too, but I like and prefers others like me in that way. also, besides being part of a special group here with added vulnerabilities, I want to assure you that others outside our group are also way more sensitive, insecure, and vulnerable than they appear. in particular, some of the people I've known that appear the most phenomenally together, successful, and happy with themselves and their lives turn out to be ones with the biggest, most difficult inner struggles and insecurities, even though hardly anyone knows it. we all second-guess and criticize ourselves at times. sometimes, it may be self-defeating, but sometimes it's part of soul searching or something we need go through to finally come back to reassuring ourselves that we are on the best path for ourselves. sometimes we don't know things for sure without questioning them. sometimes, it covers over other feelings, like such as fear or sadness over the loss of something being left behind. still, I love veronica's quote, don't kick your own ass! the universe has first dibbs! - bluemoon

2 people like this

Share this comment


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now