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Therapy and such



Just working through some things since the therapy session. Long talks with Bree, several attempts at trying to shake some of the doldrums and just in general a lot going on.  I have an appointment with our regular doctor next week and I'm going to talk to her about getting something for my depression. I've found it's hard to talk about my feelings when I don't really have the capability to feel anything beyond extreme highs and lows and then just don't really feel anything at all otherwise. I can't really talk about feelings I'm not having and I know it's frustrating when all I can do is shrug my shoulders when someone asks how I feel. 

How do you feel?

Yeah that's not helpful for anyone, least of all me. 

I've started using a little notebook to kind of keep track of thoughts I'm having when I am feeling anything so I have a guide to talk to my therapist about when I see her in a few weeks. 

I just want to feel again.


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I love you, and we'll get there.  I swear you'll find your way back to happy Nikki, it just is going to take some time.  *Hugs*

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We were having an awesome day until I...um...disgraced myself all over the floor.  That is my project for Tuesday, talk about this cough with Bethany.  It is so extreme that it forces things out of my tummy without warning from the sheer muscle cramping of the cough.  So I went from really great day to holy cow embarassment.  Nikki is being great about it though.  So weird cuz I FEEL fine.  Absolutely fine. 

But before that we had a great day!  WE went to BG, got our yummy calzones, had a lovely lunch and talked about everything and nothing.  Then we drove up to Toledo where Nikki got a new Captain American/Iron Man shirt he loves wtih a really good coupon, and I scored a couple of new dresses on sale.  It was a gorgeous day, and we took the longer backroads to enjoy it and chatting in the car.  Nikki saw some pants he liked at Catherine's, sort of a faux brocade pattern on jeans, but they didn't have his size.  He wasn't taken with anything else, but Catherine's is sort of really hit or miss with me too.  They do some UGLY vaguely hawiian prints on a lot of things I love the cut of, but hate the print/color choices.  He did convince me to buy the red dress I found, I was hesitant because it's a really bold color, but he reminded me he's learned to color correct the red in my face so I can wear it without looking like a beet.  :)

I missed it early, I'd actually realized while I was sorting things out after I knew about his gid that I was waiting for him to tell me he was in love with someone else, he was so checked out.  I completely misread the situation.  :(  Bad Bree.


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Dear Bree and Nikki,

Find journaling very helpful.  Sometimes I write, and other times I speak into a recorder, and play it back, asking myself that if this was somebody else, how would I counsel them?

The both of you are a couple I really admire!

Grateful to be your friend,


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