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Opening those cans of worms.


Briannah

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Had a crossroads moment, and finally ventured on to the harder path.  Helping Nikki deal with his issues and history is making me take hard looks at my own.  Some can't be conquered, but they can be mitigated.  Or at the very least, it can be said 'that was NOT okay'. 

My parents are divorced, they have been since I was very young, around 4.  I don't think either were very happy in the marriage, but it ended because my father cheated on my mother.  And who outed him?  Me.  Yes, he was so interested in getting laid with his mistress (who was formerly a student in his high school history class, I'm told by those old enough to remember they all think the affair started after her graduation, but I can't say that as fact, I really don't remember) that instead of waiting til days when he had free time that didn't include watching me, he took me to her parents house (where she still lived) and left me alone in a strange house while he vanished with her.   It was frightening and confusing for little me, and I have never liked unfamiliar places since.  And of course it came out when my mom asked me what Daddy and I did that day.  I don't remember if I was instructed to lie or not.  The only parts of the story that were strong enough to impact on my young memory were being left alone in the strange place (stupid with a 3/4 year old in a house that isn't childproofed anymore) and nearly drowning in the pool because Dad wanted Leslie to lounge with him, and I do remember she thought she should be in the pool with me and that I was too young and they had a fight about it.  She was also the one that realized there was a problem and pulled me out when I had lost my grip on the floaty device Dad has given me.

So flash forward to my teen years, and Dad and my stepmother both constantly explaining to me that the whole thing was my mothers fault, because she wouldn't go out drinking with him on weekends or the camping trips every weekend in the summer so Dad and his friends could photograph trains.  Um...they were parents.  Who both worked full time, and I already spent 40 hours a week with mom's parents or dad's grandparents (they alternated).  And I was pressured into agreeing with this Mom should have done whatever Dad wanted for the marriage and it was her fault he cheated on her indoctrination.  I never really agreed with it, but it never went well for me pushing back with Dad and stepmom.  And Dad is a big one for expecting people to face the consequences of their actions, until it comes time for him to do it, nothing is ever his fault. 

So today I wrote out on Facebook where he will see it that it's never okay to cheat.  I didn't direct it at just him, I've hard this story multiple times from multiple cheaters, but its' really clear I don't believe any of them, including him.  I thought about protecting it so he couldn't see it, but no.  I'm done, and if my stepmom gets involved again with another e-mail I will enter the fight full on, but I have no real need to attack them, but they do have a clear understanding now that I do not and never did believe and am done with the bullshit.  They can choose to save face, and drop it for good (yes, they still reinforce the partyline 40 years after the fact, it's creepy I know). 

So why did I write it out ant leave it public if I'm not actually looking for a fight?  Because I'm looking to work on me, and stop condoning things that really aren't okay, and to withdraw my previous complicity.   People always implied these moments feel good, and they really don't, they just feel kinda raw and vulnerable and I know unpleasant things are coming as SEVERAL of the people who fed me the spouse blame bullshit can see it, but I'm done.  Man up, woman up, agender up, whatever is appropriate and either fix or end the committed relationships and THEN seek out new ones.  It's not that freaking hard.  I've hard so many excuses, kids, financial, partners are fragile, but none of them is an appropriate reason to harm their families.  And I really don't know anyone who grew up with parents who did that who aren't harmed by it in some way, myself included.  I have yet to meet one who says "it had no impact on my understanding of commitment, honor, responsibility, and personal feelings about and in my family". 

Meh.  Untwisting my past is hard.  So thanks for the trust issues you started there Dad, but I don't really want them and am trying to work them out of myself as much as I can.  Where we started is clearly not where we have to end up, or a board like this wouldn't even exist, let alone welcome me.  But I did open the can of worms, and now all I can do is watch them wriggle out and hope they have the sense to take the oppurtunity to go back to the dirt where they belong instead of trying to live in my head anymore.

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"... it's never okay to cheat..."  

100% agree.  Never cheating has always been a mainstay with my wife and me, and I've assured her (truthfully) that I never have, either with her, my ex-wife, or long ago girlfriends.  We need to reassure each other on things like this because of our histories.

What your father did was inexcusable.  I wonder where he got the idea that his behavior was okay?  Maybe from others in his family or friends/associates.  I feel fortunate that I didn't have such role models for that, or misogyny, or violence.  Lots of other crap to be sure but none of those.

I think it's terrific you're doing what you need to do. It's your father's responsibility to take ownership of his actions, or not.  You can't control him.  But it's perfectly okay to put him on notice.  

Hugs,

Emma

Edited by EmmaSweet
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Yeah.  There's just this stupidly complicated dynamic between me and him, and I'm trying to figure out how to change it without destroying the dwindling amount of family I have left.  I don't know that it's possible.  It feels more and more like it's eat the poison pudding or lose everything.  But if I have to choose, no more poison pudding.  I'd rather have just Nikki and my son than keep eating that pudding.

My dad has a real feeling that consequences are for everyone, until it means him.  *Headdesk*  I don't know that this can be navigated in a positive way without me being willing to let him continue like that.

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Hiya Briannah, and Emma. I agree with Both ofYou Ladies. It Is Never right to cheat. I have Never, Ever, Cheated; on any Relationship. However, My Wife has been cheating on Me, for over 21 Month's, with Other Men, and Other Women. She Is Bisexual; but only " Came-Out " to Me about it in the last 5 Year's; long after We first got together - which is over 20 Year's; and long after We got Married - which is a few week's short of 18 Year's. Yet, when I first " Came-Out " as Transsexual; to Her, on 30th. April, 2015; then I started buying Female-Clothing; Undies; Nightwear; Shoes; etc., and Wearing them; and Fully; Full-Time; Female-Living; on 1st. May, 2015; She said that I should have told Her, before We got Married. Although She says that She did Not need to tell Me, before We got Married. Our Physical Relationship, has been over, for 14 Month's anyway. However, She has been metering-out Domestic Violence to Me, for Well Over 8 Year's, and I have got the Physical Scar's to Prove it. She and Our Middle-Son; were " Trapping " Me, between the Front-Door; and the Front-Door-Frame; 22 1/2 Day's ago. A Neighbour Phoned the Police. This is the 4 th. time, in a very few Month's, that Neighbour's have called the Police, because, I have been getting Gender-Domestic-Abuse; from Her, against Me. I Am now Officially Registered; with Our Local Women's Aid Charity, as a Domestic-Violence Victim ! ( I Am only under the Same-Roof, because We have got 3 Special-Need's-Children ! But, I now want out of here, which I Am now trying to organise. Briannah, You My Darling Friend, should think of the 3 Most-Importamt People - Yourself; Nikki; and Your Son. Forget Your Cheating Father. He was only ever interested in Himself, and Not You. Briannah, Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes; to You - Bree; and to Nikki; and to Your Son; Love Stephanie. xxxx  Emma, Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes; to You - Emma, and to Your Wife; Love Stephanie. xxxx 

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*Hugs for Steph* I know, it's just easier said than done sometimes.  Especially as my family went from huge to really small as time takes it's price and there are less and less around.   I am healthier about this crazy weirdness between him and I than I've ever been, and progress continues, just sometimes...I don't know what to do with it all. 
 

I'm sort of surprised, so far silence from the other camp since I wrote the essay on it and posted it where it was visible.  It wasn't directed at them purely, it was a I'm tired of all these people trying to defend their crappy actions blaming them on the spouses rather than their own internal lack of integrity. And looking to me to validate it.  Yeah, I was raised that way, but as an adult I see that it was wrong.  Meh.

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It's not just that first introduction to cheating from my dad, it's his general behavior on top of it.  He constantly preaches responsibility, and yet when it's HIS behavior that requires it suddenly we're all crazy and he never did anything wrong (he's huge into gaslighting everyone when it's him).  And then raising me to validate cheaters if their partners don't make them 100% happy.  He and my stepmom literally taught me all my life that it's my mothers fault he cheated (I was three, and at my grandparents all week, and they wouldn't watch me on weekends because they thought  my parents should actually raise me some of the time too, and Dad wanted to go out all weekend drinking for example), and that the reason he never cheated on my stepmom was she literally subsumed her whole life into him.  And it wasn't until the last ten years or so ago that I realized how REALLY unhealthy all that is.  Not to mention all his talk about blood ties being SO IMPORTANT and the man makes every effort NOT to connect to my son. 

Literally the only time in my offsprings life that my father asked to spend time alone with him was...to teach an emotionally unstable 10 year old to shoot guns.  I wish I was kidding.  Daniel inherited a hormonal disorder from his biological paternal family, and had a lot of challenges growing up that were based physically, where as I had a lot based environmentally.  both difficult childhoods, but we got through them.  But yes, let's teach a 10 year old who at that time has severe mood swings and is too young to consider medication to help because of the nature of the disorder and the effect of hormones on the brain to shoot guns.  THAT can't possibly go wrong!  *sighs*  Now that he's an adult and pretty much grown up of that, he can learn anything he wants, but he's not a big fan of guns.

So you can see it's a giant, interconnected can of worms.  And let's just say it's been interesting since I opened it. 

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Dear Briannah and Friends,

To my parents' credit, they did not cheat on one another.  Perhaps it was because my father's first wife cheated on him while he fought in WW II.  

Don't believe in double standards.

Never cheated on my partner, and I don't date the ex's of my ex's or friends.

Sadly, even after agreeing to be exclusive, I have had partners who cheated on me from the beginning.  They weren't faithful even when we were courting!  For what it is worth, looking back, these cheaters were very likely Bipolar.

My only recommendation is to court for a YEAR, before moving in together (it is hard to keep up a lie for a year or more, but a few (sociopaths) are able to do it.  And, my second recommendation is the 90 day rule (and this was before Steve Harvey thought it up!), which is not to be sexually intimate before 90 days.

What concerns me about your father, was that he had relations with minors, which makes him a pedophile.  Am sure the girl was not his first nor his last.  If that girl was my daughter, he would be in JAIL.

Am glad you turned out a great woman, despite an abusive childhood.  AND YES, what you describe is CHILD ABUSE!

Your friend,

Monica

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Monica, not that I really want to jump to defending my dad, but I did point out that I'm told by those that remember that it started after her graduation, she would not have been a minor.  And those people were not inlcined to protect my dad, it was my maternal grandmother that hated him.   To my knowledge every woman he's dated has been of legal age, and generally no more or less than a 7 year age gap.  His current wife being seven years older than him.  (Which made him freaking out about the five year younger than me issue with Nikki even dumber that he threw a fit over once upon a time until I pointed out his situation and how stupid he sounded). 

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