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Animosity or Acceptance

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Hi there all.

 

How do I start this...

 

I grew up asking questions and I mean this question has been asked even before I was 4 years old.

 

The question in question is, "What did you let the doctors do to me as a baby?"

 

Well the answer back then was, circumcision, and distended testicles.  And another answer was, circumcision (which I never doubted for a second) and intertwined testicles.  Okay the reason I asked as a child was because I felt like I wasn't in the right body, and I could notice that something was done on me even though the scars weren't visible anymore.

 

The same question was asked when I was 9 years old, because I started my periods, and everything was normal except for the fact that I didn't bleed or it was believed.  This periods never stopped and I just had to deal with monthly cramps till that faithful day I was hospitalized for the infection I blogged about in a previous session.

 

So pushing made and knowledge let me discover that I was born intersexed.  Yes, having two genders in one body.  How furious I was when I discovered that my mom authorized the surgery to correct it and my dad had to endure the pain of witnessing the operation performed on his baby.  This also made me understand why my dad didn't push hard when I said no to things, as your typical girl would answer request that were male related.

 

I never identified as male, and only as female so this became apparent that my dad didn't want to go against my mother's decisions, but would do whatever it takes to make his baby happy.  So in this, I am smiling that he is the person and was the person I turned to when I was in need of answers, even in his death I still turn the same way because I know what he would say, spending all that time with him.

 

Would I have been married if I grew up typically female with everything to match and just a medical condition where my estrogen was too low, and need that filled???  I don't know, but I know that I wouldn't have waited so long to interact with men on a sexual level.

 

Yes I have a great deal of animosity towards my mother for not allowing me to choose or that she didn't want to wait to see which direction my mood and behavior I was attached to more.  Why decide and hope for the best while you know there is a 50% change that the gender you decided on could backfire because the child you envision doesn't exist, because the individual got sculpted and formed their own opinions.

 

Yes this is a short piece about me, and I don't need pity, because my anger at this point in time will melt the best of intentions.

 

I hope that no one has to go through this and that we as a community of trans persons, let me include intersex seeing that I actually crossed the boarders with the realization that my suspicions were right all along.  In that little piece of fact that I knew from the start, makes me calmer and not so angry.

 

I do love my mother, but can't stand that her good intentions turned out the worst for me.  And yes, that is what most parents do.  Make decisions for their children and hope for the best when they grow up into hopefully a well balanced grown-up.

 

Cheers. Lots of love and kisses

Michele

 


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Posted

Hiya Michele. One of My Own Friend's was born inter-sexed. She was brought up as a Male, but, in Adult-hood, has had Surgery, and Lives as She always wanted, and that is as a Female. She was lucky, she was able to choose Her Own Gender. My Friend Is Very Attractive. I meet up with My Friend, and Her Boyfriend, regularly. Michele, You are also Very Beautiful, and Very Pretty. Michele, You are You, and You Deserve to be Happy. Take Good Care of Yourself, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx 

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Michele,

Thank you so much for sharing that - I have to admit that I've never met someone who is intersex - or at least I don't know that I did, so it's an experience/identity that I know very little about. I hope that you'll share more of your experience here.

Your experience with your mother definitely resonated with me - I've struggled for awhile over thinking that my parents in so many ways failed me as a child - not in the same way that you experienced, but in terms of a form of neglect, mostly emotional. For so long I was hung up between "my parents screwed up," and the defense that "maybe they did the best they could?" My therapist recently added something incredibly useful to help me move past that dialogue - "I needed more." I found that helped a lot, it helped me move past wondering if they were to blame, or if they were blameless - either way, I needed more.

Anyway, again, I hope you'll continue to share your thoughts and experiences!

xoxo

Chrissy

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Posted (edited)

Hi Michele and Christie,

I have a fair amount of animosity toward my mother too.  I can't help but wonder where I got the shame I felt when, as a preschooler, I knew that wanting to play with the girls, do girl things like play ballerina, and so forth.  I know this: she spanked me for many infractions so I can only assume she tried hard to spank those notions right out of my head.  Obviously it didn't work.  I'd ask her and my father but both are gone, and I have no siblings, so I can only wonder.  

But my shame was also reinforced by Ray Blanchard and his cohorts. As I grew up and came across anything to do with transsexualism, transvestism, I ​absorbed it (in secret).  I was drawn to information.  As I think about it now I don't know why I didn't go to the library.  Might not have found anything but who knows.  

But I must move on, forward. It doesn't do me good to dwell or hold resentments.  I've learned so much in the past several years, that we are all normal, lovable, and respectable the way we are.  I sometimes mentally trip on that but overall I'm coming to accept myself.  I hope everyone who reads this is too.

BTW, a side effect of these feelings - that I believe many trans people share - is a tendency to overthink.  We try to control ourselves, how people interact with us, and are often compelled to wonder "what might have been."  Speaking for myself I think this arose from the shame of who I really was.  Like living a lie that I had to constantly protect against others' awareness.  As we share ourselves and are vulnerable, shame dwindles into nothingness.  It's largely self-imposed, after all, and once its reason for existence is removed, we have the freedom and inner power to be ourselves, to be rightfully proud of ourselves.  

Hugs,

Emma

Edited by EmmaSweet
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Posted (edited)

Hiya Michele; Veronica; Chrissy; and Emma. Emma, what a Great Description. You are so right, about We can " Be rightfully proud of ourselves. "  We All have a Massive Amount to be Proud Of. Have a Good Day, and a Great Weekend ahead. Take Care Michele; Veronica; Chrissy; and Emma. With My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx 

Edited by Steph53
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Hiya all

 

I think by letting my animosity go into writing, the realization that I was hampered in a way becomes acceptable.  Because if I didn't have to overcome any of this, I might not have had the urge as a child to understand the differences in genders and so doing might have been a total jerk or bigot when it came to gender or equality.

 

I also believe because of this I sculpted the way my father looked at gender and sexuality, because I know he would've looked at it differently if it didn't happen to his baby.  So changing an older generation into accepting what is as old as time but was never talked about is an achievement in itself.

 

Knowing that I do have support and I do acknowledge all in the struggles of gender and sexuality not because I'm part of the struggle but have a greater understanding of it in the same time.  I appreciate that I was allowed to broaden my knowledge as I pleased by my father, and that he took the stand to say till here and no further for my mother.  So yes, a dictator was in my family and that role was filled by the member you would think of as masculine or the father figure, and turned out to be the mother, supposedly nurturer, supposedly supporter of offspring.  Total reversal of roles, but I got my emotional and physical support even if it wasn't from your atypical gender form, and I am grateful he was in my life for 19 years of my life.  I'm glad I got to work with his tender side, to have the nurturing love of a strong man that in the end even taught his granddaughter that the love she experienced, and she was worthy to know the meaning not just the word love.

 

Love all

Hugs and kisses

Michele

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Dear Friends,

Growing up, I was much closer to my father than to my mother.

The physical abuse from my mother started when I was four years old, when she saw me shooting up in height, and that I was not going to be petite like her.  Also was physically abused by my father because I was unplanned and not brilliant.

Think parents have expectations and hopes for their children, and when they are not fulfilled, parents can be deeply disappointed.

If only parents realized that they do not own their children, but are loaned their children by the Higher Power!

Am pleased I found reconciliation with both parents well before they died!

Your friend,

Monica

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I am so sorry that happened and know how brave you are to discuss it.  I am not as strong as you.  If you want to talk I would be honored.  I am Ace, an FTM from Rochester, NY>

Ace

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Hi Ace

 

It's not that you aren't strong as yet.  You just haven't tapped into your inner strength that allows you to confront the world or more specifically the family.  And I know it is easier to confront a mob attacking and killing an innocent or even a piece of crap that really did what they accusing him of.  But justice needs to run it's course.  And yes facing that kind of danger are a million times easier then facing the family that will put you in that spotlight, showing up all you did in the past and flinging their uncertainty in your face as your own.

 

Stay strong.  I will listen for shout out, where help is needed.  I can be there for you to talk.

 

Okay this is actually an open invitation to anyone who needs the talk from an old enough person to be considered a cougar in certain stages.

 

Here's my email, and after me scrutinizing you, I might give my number which is easier to contact me on, but not always on me, as I check my messages a few times a day.

 

michelejheynes@gmail.com

 

Feel free to chat, as I might just be the force of nature that was required for you to spark and blossom into the person you needed to show the world.

 

Cheers.  Lots of hugs and kisses

Michele

 

Ps.  Why isn't the shortcut for email sending on here.  I get caught out a lot, because I love my shortcuts.

 

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