Kitrah

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I have some positives since my absence. I think my therapy had been coming along nicely. I've been becoming a lot more comfortable with being transgender and a lot less intimidated by what people are thinking. At times, I feel like I've given too much of myself away and the rest I have just locked away. I've been trying to find a way to reintegrate myself into society. I've met a handful of people who have been helpful, most are not. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop at times, trying to find the one key that's going to open the door to the good life. 

In some ways I feel betrayed by life, like I don't want to be this. No matter how I view it, I feel like I am going to always be viewed as less. Thinking on these things just leads me to darker places. 

My therapist has been suggesting to me to attend at least one transgender event so I can connect on some physical level with others who are going through this. I've been considering it a lot. 

I've started switching my wardrobe around, wearing makeup at home, focusing more on who I want to be. I feel going slow through this has allowed me to better experience this in a positive way. Knowing that this will be completed at some point is my light. Theres also the whole what do I want to do then? I have a few ideas in mind but the best so far aside from my hobbies is to help other people get where they need to go. A possibility would be social work. 


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Glad to hear things are going well with your therapist, Kitrah. I am not speaking for everyone here of course but I don't think anyone would choose to be transgender. I had dinner a couple of weeks ago with a gay man... he said the same thing, if he had a choice he would prefer to have been straight. I sometimes feel some joy in my trans feelings but all too often wish I didn't have them. But I also say that my transgender nature is part of the mosaic that makes me, me. And overall people like and respect and love me so who knows what I'd be like if I was not trans?

I think it's good that you are asserting yourself and continuing to explore your feelings. That's the path to progress in my opinion. To deny yourself that is to bury yourself in duplicity and shame, and that's not healthy. 

I suggest you treat yourself like a science experiment. Create a hypothesis that says something like, "if I do this (e.g., wear these clothes, makeup, come out to someone) then I will feel this way." Be as specific as you can, enter your hypothesis in a notebook, your experiment, and note your results. It might be fun! And through that you will learn for yourself what fits and what doesn't. Maybe you'll hone your fashion sense, what feels good. Or choose a makeup style or colors. With your lab book in hand no one can deny that you've taken a mature and conscientious approach to really discovering yourself. 

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Thanks for the comment Emma.

I think a big part of therapy is about self exploration. The people who have a problem with me being transgender have already weeded themselves out of my life. It's seems like the more time that passes, the less I seem to care what others think. I do think if I do certain things I will draw attention to myself and under the right circumstances, that's ok. 

For me, removing the fetishism from being transgender has taken away the taboo of being this way. I see all sorts of hypnosis and be a better sissy videos on the internet which I think has little to do with my experience. I feel in some ways separating transgender from these things is a part of this. I might have somr fetishes of my own, but it's not a determining factor for me. I treat these as separate issues. 

Other issues like makeup preference and fashion sense I feel have a more intimate connection with me but I feel I have a certain taste. 

I feel transgender is a state of being that seems to "fix" itself through expression. I feel there's a lot more to it but this is a sufficient start.

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