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Not sure if I should be here anymore

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I have been quiet over the past few months. I have visited the site but have not written anything. Not commented on anything, not added an entry to the blog, etc. All I've done is read what others are writing about. I've noticed a few people sign off lately; saying goodbye; moving on. I've wondered about their reasons for leaving. I've also wondered what I'm doing here. 

To be honest, one of the things that has bothered me is whether it's safe to post here. I've thought about the way the political landscape has changed in the USA and what that might mean for people who are based in the USA - and also what it might mean for people like me who are not based in the USA but whose words are, in all likelihood, being stored in a US data centre as I type. Am I being paranoid? Probably. Do I have cause to be paranoid? Not sure, yet. Probably not. But I am also wondering whether I have anything useful or interesting to say anymore.

I could tell people about how I've visited the gender specialists three times since i last added an entry to this blog, and how I have another two appointments lined up - one later this week and one next month. I could talk about the fact that my GP still isn't prescribing my testosterone and I'm still getting it via a private prescription, and that my GP has received written instructions from the gender specialists about what to prescribe and how to monitor my blood, but that she still doesn't seem inclined to do it. I could talk about my relationship with my husband, or my brother, or how things are going at work, or how one phone call from me to the psychologist at the gender clinic is all it would take to set up a referral to a surgeon for top surgery. 

But I don't really want to. I've realised that I'm being self-indulgent on here. I've recently read through some of my previous posts and it seems to me that I've felt sorry for myself quite a lot and I don't want to do that anymore.

Everyone has problems. Everyone has things they need to work out or work through. I have it quite easy, really. I have a good life and I have family and friends who care about me and respect me. When I come here I seem to forget that and I only dwell on the negatives. I've used this site to moan and complain when, really, I have nothing to moan or complain about. 

I wish everyone well. I hope you all get what you want out of life and I hope your journeys progress the way you want them to. I hope the destination is as wonderful as you envisage it to be. 

Peace and long life.

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Hi Jay,

You raise a number of important points that I'd like to respond to.  First and most important, that you're being self-indulgent if you post on your blog here. I disagree completely. To me a main purpose of a blog is to provide a supportive and kind place to write about your life, and given what's going on in yours you have a lot to write about. Sure, sometimes you won't receive much feedback. Sometimes I'm more lazy than other times, that's for sure. But please rest assured that you're not being self-centered or indulgent by participating at TGG. I'd add to that that you are likely feeling at least some level of depression which is indicated to me by your self-deprecating way of writing this post. So you need us at least as much now as you did before. 

Safety in posting: Yes, we're all a little paranoid about Trump et al, the CIA, NSA, and FBI. But frankly, we're not talking about anything seriously interesting to them. Given that there are 300+ million people in the US alone I highly doubt that anything here even appears on their radar screen. And if it did? I guess I'd love to have the opportunity to expose their activities, which I think would raise an ire among the public at a level to which we saw recently in the Survivor episode where the trans player was outed.

Reduced number of people and posts here at TGG: I agree, it's disconcerting, and I don't know why. I miss the days when we had a variety of 15-20 people always coming and going. I've talked to Mike about it who reassured me that this is a pattern he's seen before and expects the traffic to pick up before we know it. In the meantime it's up to folks like us to keep the home fires burning.

On testosterone (or not): sounds to me like you need a new GP, or maybe file a complaint somewhere? Or, what exactly are her concerns and reasons for dragging her feet? That's probably the best way to approach her, like a scientist. Given that you have the independent professional assessment that taking testosterone is the proper course of action for her, what's holding her back? It might come down to her own beliefs and trans phobias, who knows. But if it does then that's good to know sooner than later because in fact you'll need to find another GP.

"I hope your journeys progress the way you want them to." In fact, yesterday I drove 100 miles north, away from my wife (now ex, which pains me to write), life, and friends, on a journey that has no definite schedule or end. I'm so fortunate and grateful to be able to do this, and am looking forward to what I will find. But I'm also anxious: do I really have this in me? I guess I do, and here's another reason for you to keep writing. When I joined TGG about 2 1/2 years ago I was terribly depressed, often thinking of suicide, and about a year ago making a serious attempt at it. Now I'm freer of my depression (knock on wood) than I have ever been in my life. Man, it took a lot to get here but TGGuide was a huge help to me, and I hope and predict it will be for you, too.

Love,

Emma

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