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Birthday Blog

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Hi all,

My birthday is technically still 2 days away, but since I have access to a computer right now I thought I'd do this now. It seems like a good moment to just reflect on the past few years. First a quick timeline!

March 2015 - this isn't really the beginning of the story, but this is when I actually recognized that I am transgender, and then shared that with my therapist. There was about a year or two of cross-dressing and exploring that lead to this point. One vital take-away is that from this moment on a lifetime of depression went away. I'm not saying I haven't been depressed about things since then, but the underlying, existential depression I experienced until then was gone - I stopped asking myself "Why can't I just be right?"

August 2015 - I began "presenting full-time" as a woman, both at work and everywhere else. Working at a school helped this as the school was pretty empty during the summer, so I had time to acclimate without a bunch of faculty and students around. Also during this month I started taking hormones.

July 2016 - I left my job to go back to school. I had been planning to go to school anyway, but part-time. My employer needed to reduce staffing, so they offered a buy-out which made my school decision easier ("easier"). It was still a tough choice to make - I had been there 10 years, it was secure, I had no idea what would happen if I left. I eventually spoke with my best friend on the phone about it (he had moved out to LA recently) and he asked "in 5 years what do you want to be looking back at?" - my decision was made.

August 2016 - I had my breast augmentation surgery.

September 2016 - I started school, pursuing a Masters in Social Work at NYU. For so long I had been trying to figure out what I really wanted to do in life, this choice seemed so obvious after I made it, but I know I couldn't have made this choice before coming out and transitioning.

December 2016 - I had my GCS - YAY!!!

May 2017 - finished first year of school - YAY!!!

And that brings us to today. A lot has happened, and I'm thrilled with it, but I know that more still has to happen. For one thing I don't think I've quite fully internalized my own sense of being a woman, at times I still feel like an imposter. I suppose after living for 48 years identifying as a man it's bound to take some time. My recent decision to stop wearing wigs helped - I had put too much of my gender identity into them.

I still very much fear being alone forever. I often find myself thinking that no man will ever accept me as a woman and be in a relationship. There is something to it, there are definitely men who would run away from the idea of dating a transgender person, but I also know that some of that thinking is part of what I said just before about not fully accepting myself as a woman. There's work to be done.

I wonder if my sister will ever come around. I'd prefer to think that I'm fine just leaving her behind, but I know I'm not. We never had a very, very close relationship, but we generally had a good relationship and I miss that. I also know that I made the choice, I told her I didn't want to hear from her until and unless she was ready to accept me as a woman, and I can't back away from that.

I'm often unwilling to accept some things that are simply true and can't be changed - they all focus around the fact that I was not born a cisgender female, and I will never have been. As a result I will physically never be a cisgender female, I will never have the experiences that a girl has growing up, etc. It's silly to reject those facts, but I still try sometimes.

So that's more or less where I am right now - see what happens in the next year :-)

xoxoxo

Chrissy


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Posted

In regards to finding a man, one is out there for you, it's simply a matter of getting out there in the right places. For me finding a female was not that bad but had to change my mindset and of course present myself in the proper fashion.

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Chrissy, happy almost birthday – you have so much to celebrate! I have a few comments about the effects of your transgender status on finding a man. One is that there are always aspects of all kinds that others find unattractive or attractive to different degrees. Even though transgender is a big one, it is still only one of many and you obviously have so many wonderful qualities, such as being smart, articulate, warm, caring, and sensitive to others.  While transgender may deter some men, most of them are probably not the type you want anyway. Conversely, someone who sees you for who you really are is more apt to be the kind of person you like and are compatible with too.

 

I’m so sorry that you are in that position with your sister, which I described before as something along the lines of her terrible loss and limitation. Unfortunately, family members are often the last to fully accept you in all kinds of ways, especially when it comes to changes. Their image of you is rooted far back. Since the core of it forms in childhood, it is often difficult and slow, at best, for them to see you in any other way. Families should come with a warning label with a long list of side-effects, interactions, risks, and unforeseen effects.

 

Good luck in this next year of being more you than ever.

 

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Dear Chrissy,

Happy Birthday, even if I'm early! I loved reading your timeline history. You've made such great progress. I also get hopeful that I will also have at least some depression lifted in transition. I don't expect it to change everything at all, but do expect that being a woman will finally solve a major problem for me. 

We all have fears of being alone, rejected. That's so sad to feel that way. As Karen wrote I also feel that there is someone out there for each of us. But it's scary to think that we just might not encounter that person. I know this: all the times I met new dating partners I wasn't looking or trying. I was just being myself, doing whatever it was I was doing. I think that's a better way to live anyway. Easy for me to say.

 I'm also sorry to hear about your sister. It sucks how she is treating you. 

Be you, Chrissy, you're good and lovely,

Emma

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