Kitrah

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One my biggest struggle w this transition is care what other people think. This include my friend and family because i want something to look to for advice and there not there. So I try to be less caring what the other people think because im never going be like them. My own isolation prevent me for making any lasting connections so i watch the world go by. People say oh you can make things change, but i think there is more to fate. For first time in my life, i feel im on the right track. 

 


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Kitrah, I share your concern about what I think about what others may think about me. I'm lucky that I have a pretty good network of friends but even with them I wonder at times what they think. I am also nervous about going out and just doing whatever it is I need to do in public... as Emma. I'm getting better at it, with more confidence, but I wonder if these worries will always be with me. I sure hope not.

I recently had an amazing experience that might give you some hope. I attended the Gender Odyssey conference in Seattle several weeks ago, and earlier this week as I entered a nearby Lowe's store I did a double take when I saw one of the moderators also walking into the store wearing a pretty blue dress. I was wearing jeans and a tee shirt because I was working at home and don't have women's clothing that's suitable for that kind of work. She saw me notice her and as I veered off to grab a shopping cart I worried that she thought I clocked her instead of just recognizing her. I intended to catch up with her in the store and introduce myself but as I entered I saw that she was busy talking to a returns clerk and I didn't want to hang out and wait for her; I didn't want her to think I was some sort of stalker! And then as I walked around the large store I didn't see her and I assumed that she made her return and left, and I'd probably never see her again.

But when I returned to the check out area, there she was again at the returns counter. And as she left there I walked up to her and asked if I'd seen her at Gender Odyssey, that I recognized her from one of the sessions. She immediately brightened and we hugged, two sisters who happened to find each other. This afternoon I'm going to visit her at her home in between my therapist appointment and my electrolysis appointment! 😁😁

The moral of the story is that I agree, you and I are on our right paths. And the more that we get out there we increase the odds that we will find and make new friends. I sure hope so, for both of us!

Emma

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Kitrah,

I hope you don't get the impression that I'm just carefree and out and about, and thus telling you that you should too. We all have to follow our own heart and pace. I'll also add that I do look forward to and cherish my evenings and nights when, home alone in my nightgown and robe, I'm cozy, just reading or watching a show. 

Best wishes,

Emma

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Emma, 

i never think you try to tell me what to do. I'm just alway been reserved and there's lot of transgender that aren't like that. 

When it come to the medical staff, my recent dealings have been positive. I think I am always me dressed one way or other. My therapist and I have talk a lot about how I have come a long way. 

It make me proud because I can feel deep issues resolving. People who aren't transgender will never understand this fully just like I can't understand substance abuse. Do for those without the awareness it always will seem strange or not to make sense. 

My confidence is result of being in a world that is reluctantly coming to accept trangender people and my own awkwardness within this because I don't like being transgender and I don't want to be in this body. 

Trying to live up to an identity I never embraced created problems. I know I am not meant to be a man.  I am starting to embrace being a woman. 

Part of my solution will be to move to a more supportive environment after I finish transitioning physically.  I just think it will be better to be around others like me. 

I continue dressing modest working on my voice and other things. Painting my nails or light makeup. People notice I'm sure but it makes me feel more like I'm blending in than draw attention. 

I am reluctant to tell people I'm transgender but it not a stretch for the mind if they just look. I don't think I'm much to do this for attention from others. It's nice but some of my best moments are just being secure in the home to be who I am without worry.

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Hi Kitrah,

You wrote, "I am reluctant to tell people I'm transgender but it not a stretch for the mind if they just look."

I spent decades afraid that anyone would become aware of my gender dysphoria and feelings. I decided several months ago to come out to virtually everyone I know. I am lucky in that I'm retired (at least for now) and independent so I felt like it was better for me to just put it out there. And maybe I would help other trans people because those who I came out to will have perhaps their first awareness of someone they know (and hopefully like/respect) that to be transgender is just an example of normal human diversity. Most people (out of about 150) responded very positively.

I'm also very fortunate that I have relocated to an area within Seattle that is very accepting, and I've told all of my new neighbors as I've met them that I'm trans and that they will likely see me in either men's or women's clothing. We talk about my names and stuff and I assure them that I'll not be offended whatsoever if they "make a mistake." The funny thing last night was that as I parked my car in my driveway I saw a woman on a bicycle coming up the street. I was tired and just didn't want to deal with anything, as I was wearing a long blue skirt, grey tights, and a maroon top. But I realized that I needed to roll a garbage can back to the house so I grabbed it and not looking at the woman, stated heading up the yard. In a friendly voice she called out to me, saying something like, "Oh! I didn't realize there are two of you here. I heard a single man had moved in." I walked to her and gently shook her hand. She introduced herself as a neighbor two doors down, and I told her my name is Emma. Nothing in her friendly manner changed but I went ahead and told her that I'm trans, snd that I have another name too. We both laughed as she realized that indeed I'm only one person, although both genders! And we want on to have a short conversation.

You also wrote, "Part of my solution will be to move to a more supportive environment after I finish transitioning physically." If you can I'd highly recommend that you move much sooner than later. Transition is hard and we need our support networks. And, what is your definition of "finish?" I'm not really sure there is such a milestone. At least not that I can see for me. Sure, there are stages and I guess you could select one to be the final one. But there is so much more than physical transition, don't you think?

Take care,

Emma

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Hi Emma,

When I saying finish, I am talking just about surgery. My goal is to have it out of the way so that I dont have to worry about this anymore. While this doesnt end transformation, for me that mark the end of physical change that i want to go through. I guess the big change what i refer to. All the other things can go on and on and always changing. :) Right now, my support network doesnt exist. Living w someone who has not been supportive in ways I've wanted has been difficult challenge.

 

 

 

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Dear Kitrah and Emma,

Think it is so essential to find kind, supportive and knowledgeable people for your inner circle.  Part of it is to have a circle of acquaintances and listen carefully to their comments and observe how they treat others, before considering them as friends.

Some areas (like upstate NY), you can be acquaintances for years, even decades, and not find friends.  

On the other hand, I have been in areas where people were very friendly very quickly, without taking the time to get to know you, and for you to get to know them, and often these people turned out to be scammers.

Yours truly,

Monica

 

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