Kitrah

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Fear Adapting and Idenity

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My fear is heightened and I take measure to insure my safety by living two different identities. One within the house and one with the public. Since there are people in the world who will hurt me if they find out then I am not going to present myself in a dress. So for dress, I continue dress as a man and it doesnt matter for me to do that, although I do like to dress as a girl. I know there is people who think I'm trying to trick people by not be forthcoming, but I that my choice, not theirs. I dont think at the top my list I need to disclose all my life and details to be stalked and harassed when the law enforcement and legal system will do little to protect me. So if my defense is to dress in a manner that discourage people from giving me unwanted attention be in "guy" mode then i have no problem doing that. So my choice in how to dress is more about survival.

I think it interesting that guy still seem to think that the reason any girl wear makeup or dress up is to impress them when for my reality it always been about to feel better about myself and make me feel more confident in my own skin. I never think to myself, time to get sexy so i can trick someone into sleeping w me. It do make me uncomfortable because this are the same kind of guys who think the girl is asking for it. When you have spent time on both side of the fence, you know how guys act and honestly, it is a big disappointment. They often just act in ways toward the end result and getting laid. For my girl friends, this never seem to be the case because we can talk for hours and have deeper connection. Again, this have been my experience. This make me think how important men are sexually for me in the grand scheme of thing or the emphasis in fully passing all the time to "impress" them.

Then there things that men are just better at than i can be although I have had maculine girls who have been great about standing up for me when other have attacked me, which is nice. I know some people prob think stand up for yourself, but it is nice when you have someone who is able to support you like that. There is something nice about the masculine type and it ability to bounce bricks of negative thoughts and action and it dont seem to notice or care. Where someone say something to me and 5 hour later i try to figure out what they mean or if they real think that about me.

Being able to fully embrace who I am seem be ongoing work. It seem get better than how it used be for me. i hated have to be a man. i hated have to sweat or drink beer. It much easier to be myself and do what i like instead of pretend to care about things i dont.


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Posted

Kitrah,

Safety has to be a primary concern, I'm glad you're able to find that while still making room to discover yourself. Hopefully over time you'll he able to do more and more while still being safe ☺

I live in an area where fortunately I can be a who I am publicly, but even here I've had a few scary experiences with overly aggressive men. I keep thinking that I should take a self defense class but haven't yet 😞

Xoxo

Chrissy

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Kitrah, I think you make such excellent points here. I also agree about makeup. We don't apply it or wear pretty clothes to attract men or others. It's because we enjoy looking nice, put together, expressing our personal style. I went shopping this afternoon with a girlfriend who took me to Nordstrom Rack and Sephora. We had a great time and I picked up too many things but I need them all especially as winter is soon coming upon us. Like Chrissy I'm lucky to live in a place where in general I can just present Emma as herself, and I love the help I received at the stores today. 

My friend and I had dinner at a restaurant and I commented that I now understand why women like and need so many pairs of shoes. They form an important part of each outfit. Unlike for men where a pair of Levi's, a t-shirt, and crappy tennis shoes or boots are okay, we pull together a complete look where we hope everything compliments each piece, and through that we feel confident and yes, maybe even pretty although applying that adjective for me is probably a stretch! :-)

I get so scared doing all this on my own and appreciate going out to these places with my friend. She shows me the ropes and gives me her advice on things as we go. I hope you have or can find a similar friend where you are. My friend and I will never be lovers, we're just two girlfriends out to have an afternoon together. 

Hugs,

Emma

P.S. Nordstrom Rack is Awesome! I found shoes, coats, tops, scarves, makeup, and some jewelry - all at good prices. You can buy the things, try them on at home, and you have 90 days (yep!) to return them if they don't work out. Sephora is definitely more expensive for makeup but I received very nice help from the sales ladies. It was obvious to them that I'm trans and I didn't try to hide it at all. I even mentioned that the orange color foundation is good to neutralize the color of my beard area and they didn't bat an eyelash. 

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Posted

Hi girls, 

thanks for responding and positive thoughts. I know times are changing and I should feel more accepted but it's challenge. It still really hard to go out and want to meet people because feeling pressure and stress of it all. Sometime the depression get me down to because I feel like a failure at everthing for being born this way and having to go thru this. Having no support as I'm go thru this and wonder what going happen when I get thru this.

my own self talk do help me and I try only say nice things even if I can't believe it. Since my last surgery I feel like things are being made right for me. I want thing to keep going in positive direction and have some sort of purpose. 

 

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Hi Kitrah,

My doctor who prescribed my HRT asked me about my support network. I am so lucky to have one. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give it or share it with you. I agree and understand completely how hard this all is. Each day, each new encounter, presenting as Emma is stressful. 

My only suggestion is to try to build your network. Yes, keep coming back to us at TGG. We have your back. But reach out to resources if you can find them in your area. I wish you the very best.

Emma

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Dear Kitrah, Chrissy and Emma,

Feel that a person should be able to dress as they want (within modesty limits determined by the community) as long as that person is not trying to commit fraud, such as a person who is trying to impersonate a police officer.  Once I lived in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood, and I wore a sleeveless blouse (during very warm weather) and they let me know about it very quickly.

It takes time to "find your voice" in how you dress, and yes, this will change as you age and grow.  For example, what was appropriate when you were a teenage will no longer be appropriate in your senior years.  

Agree with Emma, that finding a face to face support network is essential, and sometimes this requires you to move to a more cosmopolitan community, as some areas are very T/LGB - phobic.  

Also, I agree with Emma that TGGuide is a very supportive and safe community.  It is a good start and foundation, but people should be actively seeking face to face support, even if they have to travel to find it.  Presently I am exploring transgender conferences and support groups with this in mind.  In my case, Lesbian support is almost non-existent and T/LGB Centers are far away from where I live and have limited resources.

Will let you know about my experience with Fantasia Fair and the Mid - Hudson Valley Transgender Support Group.

Yours truly,

Monica

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted

Friends,

Please look down to the bottom of the page, as my comment is there, for some reason.

Monica

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