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My past

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TransFormation

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My past

I am not whole unaware of transsexuals. When I was working back in the 90tys, I knew a guy; my only active memory was talking with "Him" while standing taking a piss. He left only to come back a few months later as a woman. Ok being clueless one of the girls had to inform me that he was now a she! So I was like. "Oh wait... I know him...err her err... ok so a little confused!" So far from being shocked, I was "Live and let live" about the whole thing. She hung out with the lesbians at work. I was friendly with them all so I got to know her a bit. She was nice enough. Friendly even. I did not see any horns growing from her head, no smell of brimstone, no nothing. Sorry Mr Vice President Mike Pence. She was just a normal person. It was weird for the adjustment. That lasted like a day then it was not weird any more. I just accepted her for who she was and let it drop from my world. We played card a few times, had a few parties in a group and then I changed jobs. Never looking back.
About twenty years later maybe more, around 2010, I met this girl on-line, so about seven years ago. Call her "May." (Not her real name.) She and I hit it off instantly! We talked everyday about everything and nothing, for many hours. Just enjoying each other’s company. Of course, I fell in love with her. Boy meets girl. It was destined to be. Except someone played a country song, so I lost the girl and my pickup truck sort of thing! She was wonderful. But... there has to be a "But" at this point, otherwise I would have married her. Yes that big M word. She did not have Skype and we could only talk by text. No video or audio. Video chatting was not as prevalent back then as it is now. So I made no notice of it and she lived in Yugoslavia or in the area formerly known as. Note that I have hidden her location while at the same time giving a perfectly valid location you can find on a map. Okay fine, I was enjoying being clever there! Then suddenly, she disappeared. She was not on-line, she stopped answering her emails, and she just dropped off the planet as far as I was concerned. This was strange. It took me years to figure it out but the clues are compelling. At least to my mind... (My so called mind...) She once sent me a picture, we did that all the time, exchanging pictures and videos from YouTube we had found. So this was not something unexpected. But this was a picture of a boy. I asked her who that was and she just said a friend. I was like; "OK?" But she let the subject drop. In my mind, of today, it seems that she dropped off the face of the Earth right after that. I could be wrong but I don't think so. I missed her, sent her emails etc. but what could I do. She lived in Europe and I was in Canada so not like I could drive on over to her house. Not that I ever knew where her house was. I had no phone number, nothing except a chat and email link. This in the end was not really a lot. I still talked to her girlfriend. So I got some news, really very little. "Oh she is busy! Oh she is working! Oh she got a job in Texas." That sort of bland information that left much to be desired; like shall we say information? A few years later she returned home to see her ailing father. He would die shortly after this visit. She was so fond of him, she would tell me about how wonderful he was. But the visit was anything but great. There was a falling out and she never spoke with him again! Rather he never wanted to speak with her again. He died before they could heal the rift. She was broken up over it according to her friend but she never reached out to me I tried but got no answer. You know that has got to hurt, to be rejected by your father. I began to ask myself what could have happened that would wreck what from my sideline point of view was a close, loving, relationship. I drew my own conclusion. The male picture, the dropping off the face of the Earth, no video, no calls and things began to click. She was a "He," she was transitioning from being male to female. No voice cause her voice might be too masculine. No video she might reveal her transitioning to the camera. She showed me that picture because she was trying to come out of the closet to me. If only she had had the courage. Or if only I was a better person? Who could have helped her to come out by being more open, more sympathetic or something more then what I was. I don't know which. The lack of Skype was a mere ploy; she would have a changed voice but not really a feminised voice if she was in transition. She tried to come out with who she really was, perhaps to start a real relationship with me and when she failed to come out all the way, she fled. I can only imagine the fear she must have felt trying to come out to me. Even the failed visit with her father now made sense. Telling a back country male of Eastern European background is not like telling some young hip Hollywood parents who are into these things. Thus the rift with her father was started when she told him who she really was. His son was not his son anymore but his daughter. Her "Job" in Texas was a place for surgery. I am not judging her in any of this. Later on, you will see that I too, would choke when I should have dived right on in. So who am I to cast the first stone? Affairs of the heart are by no means something for the frail or those lacking in courage. This is just a retelling in as neutral manner as I can these events but they lead to some soul searching when I had deduced these revelations.
In the dimness of my mind, I had time to ponder this whole strange world of transitioning. *I*, a straight heterosexual going out with a what, a girl, a boy a girl-boy? Who was she? What is a transsexual? What does that even mean to begin with? They don't have any how to guides and the internet was not even nearly as user friendly for people transitioning as it is today; with vlogs, and site and all sorts of information. Back then, there was not a lot of information. Nor were there a lot of documentaries on the subject either. I know I looked hard for there to be some.  Being an intellectual geek I started to learn. Not much but some. Since I fell for her, there has to be something in her that attracts me and answers a need I have inside. How could I do that, to fall for a girl like that? So that said something about me right? It did. It said I was a male and she was a female. I was a male in love with a female. No matter where she started from! No matter where she went! And whatever would happen to her, she was not a he! She was who she felt she was inside; a woman trapped inside a male body. A person with the overwhelming courage of conviction in her own sexuality and gender to challenge the societal norms and become who she was, first by living as the opposite gender then as surgical alterations began to shape who she was outside as well. So unlike the stereotypical country bumpkin, I was not freaked out by the whole thing. I was just introspective in my own mind wondering about my own orientation. In fact, men who like Trans women are not gay. Gay porn sites do not even host such pictures because gay people do not like those types of videos or images. They are only to be found on Heterosexual sites. Because women in transition are beautiful period, not in their own way, not in some other way they are beautiful in every way! They just are regularly, plain old beautiful. Many are highly feminine and deeply caring. They grew up in violence, hatred and self loathing. People who have experienced pain, rejection and hatred are some of the most sympathetic people you will ever meet. They know what suffering is. They don’t want to inflict any more on anyone.

This journey continues

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Your story reminds me of an older woman I met when I was in high school. By that time I had repressed my true identity and was in full denial. I came to find out this woman was transgender and that she had a sex change. Sadly, I distanced myself from her when I should have befriended her. I sure needed a friend back then that I could confide in. It was about 15 years later that I'd find another such friend and begin to openly discuss my gender identity. ​

Thank you for sharing. 

Edited by Lori
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Dear Trans-Formation,

You have found a safe space here at TGGuide to explore.  Here the members are kind, supportive and knowledgeable.

Suggest you read the Forums and Blogs, first.  Then, feel free to ask questions and start your own Blog, which you are doing here.

Transwomen often identify as heterosexual (romantically attracted to men) or as Lesbian (romantically attracted to women), just like cisgender women do.

Your friend,

Monica

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