Kitrah

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On mute.

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I’m exhausted. It’s ben one thing after other today. Sometimes when I’m talking I feel like everone has me on mute. Like I’m stupid an airhead. I feel like I’m on this ship, making all this compromises, trying to be heard and no one listening. When I get louder so do everone else and when I’m upset, why r u yelling. 

Im terrified. Like being stuck with bad driver everyday. Your like please don’t put us in the ditch pay attention. So in sense That’s the control I have.

im on the ship at sea. I’m not the captain and the only thing I do is pray there’s no typhoon.

i get whole supporting role thing cuz you got to trust this other persons decisions and I am about had it with this. Say your not afraid to eat alone cuz that’s going be one uncooked meal. 

Day after day do things your way. Fine but I’m not appreciated. Tell me I’m scare the meal ticket going run out one more time. Yea I’m not happy w this living arrangement cuz I’m doing things I never thought I do and saying things I shouldn’t say. Put me back on mute. No I’m just wear my own headphones. Only when I’m quiet I get what’s wrong. 

What u want me spill the beans? I can’t say what I want. I just keep going. Just one task after the other. I’m not insensitive. That’s u. I’m not bullying that’s u. I can’t show my emotion. Just continue live out whatever part I’m suppose to play. 

I can take the abuse. I’m made for it, but u better try to remember my real name. It’s Kitrah. I’m not a bitch. I’m one who cook and serve your meals and do laundry and run errands and have no say what happens. I constantly write my life around this so I’m not on streets. 

My name mean something. It all I got. And u and everone else not going use it like a dirty word. That how u make me feel. 

 

 

 


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Posted (edited)

Dear Kitrah,

No one deserves abuse, physically or emotionally, even though it is epidemic and pandemic in our culture, toward both women and men (men's dirty little secret). 

We are all healing here, and we are here for you.

Your friend,

Monica

Edited by MonicaPz
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Posted

Dear Kitrah,

Please internalize Monica’s message. It’s how I feel too. 

Best wishes,

Emma

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Posted (edited)

I just unerstand my place. It can be better but it can be worst. My life was better in the closet. I have girl role. I not sure how all this ppl think they empower. Nd when I’m free this situation where I going to go what I going to do. I unerstand why you just take the abuse. Cuz it alway can be worst. I think I will alway have friends until I wake up and can’t get one pick up the phone. When u don’t have family or normal life this is what there is. You get to loud and ppl just say I don’t want the drama and that’s it. 

I get it. I’m not the only one. My ex constant torture me say she going tell ppl things and in that way I’m glad I transitioned cuz nothing to say now. No more blackmail. 

I wish they will bring back term Gender Identity Disorder. Because I have keep up two identities to surviving. And unless u did it you don’t know. Newest trans ppl not going have that apply to them they get be who they are.

 

Edited by Kitrah
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