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Kitrah

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Experiences

Kitrah

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sometime I wish my experience wasn’t what it is. It make me uncomfortable and isolated. But it also make me think this way. There so many time I wish I had better life and get to just be who I’m. 

So I try fix this. Same puzzle it don’t change and same missing pieces. No matter how many time put together. All I can do is imagine. What this look like. Fill in details and stare at what’s there.

I try fit in society. Try live peaceful and not get upset. All I can do try. But when ppl can’t see it, it frustrate me. I get anxiety at times I can’t even get the mail or I just avoid social situation that might upset me. 

I feel lost and I no I’m become problem for society. I’m not going have nice things or car or own place. So all I can do is think this isn’t happening. I no inside things r not good but It really hurt my family not there. 

I want better life but I can’t see way to go there. That why when time I start see changes. It make me confident. I try to be fixed and have new life cuz this have been the only thing I did for myself. 



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Being transgender is hard. Same with being different, gay, having a disability, a chronic illness, and other things that are outside of what society expects or feels comfortable with. So, you’re not alone feeling the way you are. That doesn’t help much but at least you know that, I hope.

So, what does help? It’s impossible to be very specific. Even if I knew you well and in person. But there are some things to think about, such as:

- When we’re depressed a natural tendency is to want to be alone and isolated. That seems good because at least things won’t get worse. And, without dealing with others you don’t lose control. But really, we need the opposite of that. We need people. Even just sitting in a coffee shop, alone with a book, is better than being home alone.

- Exercise also helps. Just walking is fine, even in the rain (with an umbrella). Go walk for an hour or two. If that’s too much, go for 10 minutes every day for 5 days, then 20, 30, 45... Look around and notice things while you walk. 

- Having gratitude also helps. My therapist suggested I create an “Awe List” of things that I notice that I find inspiring. Like a beautiful tree or flower. Today, while I was waiting for a stoplight to change, a woman driver turned the corner near me and smiled at me. I suppose she recognized me as a trans woman, and smiled in encouragement. I loved it and saved it in my Awe List. 

- Eat good, fresh things, not soda and fast food. Bananas are great, or any fruits. Salads are good too, as is a nice burger. Just go easy on the fries.

- Get to bed early and sleep 8-9 hours every night. If you’re exercising and eating well it’s easier to sleep well.

This isn’t a magical solution. I get depressed and I try these things and am still depressed. But I do think they help.

Emma

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After writing about get the mail someone put sign in the window of apt in front of mailbox that sat I SEE YOU. This what I deal with. It just do more on anxiety

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I agree with Emma, being trans is hard. My doctor once said to me that being trans and undergoing GCS is similar to being an astronaut. Not one of us asked for this but here it is and we either deal with it or not.

Something I truly believe in regarding being trans, even if it does not seem possible one of the best things you can do is say to yourself "I have bad and good day, what should I do to change it?" For me it study, study, study for a better life monetary wise e.g. from under $20,000 a year  salary to over $100,000 a year w/o college salary. I studied over 10 hours a day for 12 months and then searched for employment which landed me a job on the opposite coast where it's very trans accepting for the most part. My point here is if you put your mind to it anything is possible. One of the number one toxic issues with trans people is their current living environment and with a strong will and determination your life can drastically improve. I look at my brother, he is not trans but had the same education as me and makes half the salary I do. Perhaps being trans can make someone stronger if they truly make up their mind to not let it get them down.

So a person put up a sign "I SEE YOU", for the average trans person that is a red flag. Time to consider a move and if that is not possible at the present time, start a plan to do so while in the mean time be on guard for physical violence. On a up note, generally speaking one person putting up such a sign is usually not a threat but if they have a group of like minded people that is a huge concern as group violence is easier to justify while one on one is much more difficult to justify in general.

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And I agree with Karen. The opportunities in computer science are excellent and can be self taught. Yes, it’s tough to learn it in college or alone at home, but it can be done.

I taught myself how to make iPad and iPhone apps, for example. The developer tools are free from Apple and there are excellent free courses available on the web, such as from Stanford. But you do have to have a good computer and that may be out of reach. 

As I studied and got stuck I kept downshifting into more basic studies. I finally had success learning Java, and then Objective-C. Finally, I developed an app and released it in the App Store. Didn’t make any real money but with that I could prove that I had enough chops for an entry level job.

Computer science isn’t everything, though. Employers need people with good, hard-working will-do attitudes. Whether it’s in retail or a service industry, it’s hard to find employees with a fire in their bellies. Show that fire is in you and the rest will naturally follow.

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Dear Kitrah, Emma and Karen,

There is a wonderful FREE nonprofit educational website called Khan Academy (www.Khan Academy.org), "You Tube University," and many outstanding universities that offer free no credit online courses. You may have to Google "free online courses" or "free university online courses." Some are taped and some of them are live with a professor and other students taking the course with you online. Have studied both at Khan Academy and taken Finance at NYU this way and got a lot out of it. Also, I got a lot out of You Tube.

Worth looking into . . .

Your friend,

Monica

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Hi girls. Yea I do like computers obvious. Much my skills is make things in blender and video effect or photoshop. I do try to take game design course also for 3D animation that I like. Part this problem w me is I am stuck I’m not good at focus or I start feeling I’m not going make it and give up. People get tired of hearing the crying and move on. The trans issue make it hard focus because I’m always think what will happen. When I start with worry then just get worse that I end up not do anything because I don’t want be in this situation. So I am having constant talk w myself since there’s no one and when I’m calm that when I can focus. I also in middle of transition and the changes is obvious. So I just try stay away until it’s done. Maybe everone go thru this different but it make me uncomfortable and I can’t function. I just freeze. I want to try go back to college but then I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t pick what I want because always I just get what other don’t want. Sure anyone can say big things but I know I’m not doing that. That why I still see my therapists. Cuz I’m like scratched record. Some part make sense that the other part warped. But I keep trying. I don’t give up.

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Kitrah wrote, "But I keep trying. I don’t give up.

That's so important. I know how hard it is to focus especially when my little brain starts protecting me, telling me that maybe I'm not good enough, I won't understand it. Then, it feels safer to give up and surf the web or something like that.

I often had these kinds of crisis while studying programming. What I tried to do then were things like:

​- Change my study environment. I'd go to the library, or a park and sit under a tree, or maybe a coffee shop. This helped to break up the routine, give me a pleasant excuse to study and work.

- Take a walk.

- Have a cup of coffee or tea.

- Take a nap!

​It's also important to recognize when you get your best work done. For me it's in the morning. So, I try to get to sleep early, wake early, and take advantage of those morning hours.

It's okay to take breaks. Every hour get up and stretch, maybe make a phone call, grab a coffee.

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