Hello all this is my story......I need to get it out.
One of the first memories I have (regarding my gender) is playing in the stair well of the apartment complex which had 3 levels and a wall of glass looking outside. We were making up stories and playing them out by choosing characters and I reallllllllly wanted to be the mermaid. I was 5 years old. Everyone played and we had a lot of fun, girls and boys. We continued to play this way for the summer on and off, but each time we played I wanted to be a female character and sometimes argued with the girls over it. Only one time did I concede the role I wanted to another girl and that was only because the boys started making fun of me. As we played these roles over time the girls started dressing up for their characters and well...I started borrowing their clothes or costumes and I really enjoyed it. I didn't really think any think of it, we were just having fun. That was one of the first memories. The years went bye and I still wanted to be the girl, wearing girl stuff when I could. So, I did. Then the ridicule from others started to gain momentum (boys and girls) so I started keeping thing to myself more & more. I was about 8-9 and I remember sitting in the bathroom for long periods of time wishing I had a vagina and hating my penis. That’s when I learned how to take my boy parts and make them look like girl parts. Always wishing they would just stay that way but they never would. I would lift the testis up in the pockets, push the penis back into my body and pull the scrotum up and over everything. Then shape the scrotum to look like a vagina. It actually looked pretty good and relieved my dysphoria. (although I didn’t know it at the time) That’s when I swiped a pair of pantyhose from the laundry pile and put them on one night after dinner. My mom thought it was cute and allowed me to wear them while we watched TV. I love it!!!! I love the feeling on my skin and the way it made me feel inside. I was just a little closer to being a girl than ever before. I liked it so much that I started wearing my sister’s clothes as well and asking my mom to put make up on me, so she did. After some time that is how I dressed whenever I could and I would sleep in girl clothes if given the opportunity. Then one day that was it…..I was told that this is not appropriate and I could not dress like a girl anymore. I was very upset and didn’t see what the big deal was. I guess someone saw me and then ask my parent about it so they made up some story and put the brakes on all of it. So, they thought……. I just went underground with my dressing and loved it. I would put on my little sister’s gymnastics outfit (leggings & bodysuit) and fall asleep almost every night wishing I would magically turn into a girl the next day. Over and over and over again. I just kept acquiring more things to wear over the years and making sure to hide them well. My dad did kind of catch me once but he didn’t really see what I was doing and we never spoke of it. Whsheww… This went on until I was about 14-15 and then I really started ramping up things. Also on the outside I was a cute boy with lots of girlfriends, I was having a lot of fun in life. I guess I thought this would pass or I would just keep it a secret forever. Nobody needs to know that I like this stuff. Well My mom started working again so I found myself home alone almost everyday for at least 2 hrs. That is when I started dressing all the way. I had just a bit of hair on my legs so I shaved them. I was completely dressed as a girl from shoes to hair & makeup. I would do this every chance I could, keeping it very very quite. Until one day I just had to go out into the world and I wasn’t even aware why I felt this way. I just had to do it. So I went out to get the mail and came back in. It was so exciting and I thought that even if someone saw me they would never know it was ME. Well someone did see me and asked my mom about it and then…she asked me. Soooo, I lied my way around that one as well, I felt terrible, ashamed and scared. So back in the closet again little girl…away with you. I was really good at sports and decided to focus all my attention on that as well as girls. (I just loved the girls so cute) I had to ask myself if I was gay or not…but if I liked girls and not boys (sexually) what the hell is going on. This must be a phase or something. More time goes by and I never spot dressing in female clothes when I want to or when I can. All the time seemingly living a great cismale life. Sports, Collage, Social, etc. Then while I was working as a part time personal trainer some friends decided to move out to LA. One of the guys going backed out and they asked me. I said yes and pack up my stuff. At the age of 20 I found myself in a whole new world that was exciting and scary. I won’t go into the details but I started wearing female underwear and well you get it. Still hiding. I made the decision that there is nothing weird about it and lots of rockers were wearing makeup. That is when I started to transition and it felt really great until my friends started questioning me and at other times making fun of the LBGT community. I was freaking out and instead of going forward I went the other way. I became super fit and shaped my body into something I could be proud of. I was trying to over compensate for the way I felt and I continued this for 15yrs.………Damnn. So now I have a wife and kids and time is not on my side. I thought many times that I will take it to the grave and years passed by. But it is always there. I have even come close to death a couple of times by trying to drink this away but…..nope. So, this past holiday season came to an end and I made the decision to move forward no matter what. The crazy thing is that after truly making this decision I have a sense of calm come over me. I am happier. I know there are going to be ups and downs but that is how life is, transgender or not. It has been a little over a month on herbals and only couple of days on HRT. I have noticed many small changes from my breasts, skin, hair, butt etc. and they feel correct. Well that is all I have time for now but I will be updating this blog on a regular basis.
Thanks so much and remember live,love,Learn