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MonicaPz

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When You Transition . . . Everyone You Know Transitions, Too

Written By Corinne Goodwin in "The GAYJOURNAL Magazine"

I began my so-called "path to transition" at the age of 55.  That is when I finally said the words "I am transgender and I have to live authentically" out loud.  Of course, I knew that I was trans decades earlier.  I was not able to put a name to it, but I knew there was something different about me even before I started kindergarten.  I was a real hard charger who worked 60 - plus hours a week and reveled in the privilege that mature white men possess.

Of course, much of what people saw was an act.  Finally, after all those years, the pressure had built - up to the point where it needed release or I would sink into an unrecoverable depression.  Thank goodness I said those words.

As most LGBTQ people know, there is an amazing amount of angst that is associated with being in the closet.  There is also an intense feeling of being free when you step out into the sunlight.  That, of course, it where Newton's third law of physics kicks in.  You are finally stepping out into the light but for many of the people in your life, they begin to experience their own worlds of anxiety.  In effect, you are transferring many of the burdens you have been carrying to them.

THE TERROR ASSOCIATED WITH NEWTON

When a trans person comes out to a family member the first thing they worry about is rejection.  In my case I was married for over 30 years and I could not imagine not having my wife by my side going forward.  I also had a son who is the light of my life and I had a small but close group of friends and work associates who I depended on.  "What," I asked myself, "would happen if they reject me?"  Would I be alone?  Would I be disowned?  Would I lose my livelihood?

HERE COMES NEWTON

Like I said thought, Newton's third law does apply.  I came out gradually to my friends and relatives.  In person when I felt I could and in letters, emails and phone calls when appropriate.  Each time I did so, virtually everyone made the right noises and had the desired reactions.  But, as I have been transitioning, some of the people who matter the most to me have struggled.

My spouse, who has a large network of friends from our old neighborhood, through her church and her job stopped inviting friends over to the house because she did not want them, me or her to feel uncomfortable.  To make matters worse, I was so wrapped - up in my world, I did not notice until she brought it up two years after the fact.

My son was engaged to be married.  In my mind, it was important to let him and his fiance know about me and my pending transition prior to the wedding - after all, it was only fair that she know what she was getting into.  Unfortunately, despite an initially positive reception, soon thereafter, the engagement was off.  To be sure there were other issues involved, but there is no doubt that my transition added to their tensions.  Now I ask myself, what will be the impact on his future relationships?

In my business circles, I began the coming out process as well.  I have largely done so by having individual conversations but coming in this slow - roll fashion has its costs.  One of them is that I asked my associates to hold my "secret" while I worked thought my lists.  That is definitely unfair.  Plus, clients and business contacts have not known which name, e-mail or phone number to use.  Even more critically, it forces them to pause and think carefully about how they address me in meetings or group e-mails.  This is confusing, a real time waster and an unfair burden.

My friends have had to pay a price, too.  I am excited about finally getting to live my life in a more genuine fashion.  That excitement can lead to fixation where all I want to talk about is transition and everything related to it.  Luckily, a friend recently said to me, "You know, it does not have to be 'all trans, all the time.'  How about we change the topic?"  After a bit of shock and self - examination, I came to realize that I may not have been paying their friendship back very well.

THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY COIN

Partners and spouses definitely have the hardest road.  While a transitioning person's path is not an easy one, for them there are clear mileposts along the way to achieving an ultimate goal.  That is not necessarily the case for a partner.

Think about it . . . beyond navigating the issues of potentially coming to terms with a new version of the sexuality and the possibility of being ostracized by friends and relatives, there are dozens of new rules (mostly unspoken) that have to be renegotiated.  These range from who buys the flowers on Valentine's Day to how you introduce your partner at a cocktail party or casual meeting to how you sign greeting cards during the Holidays.

In other words, prior to the transition there was a relatively easy to understand script to follow.  Now the script has been torn - up and there are few resources available to help a spouse or partner to find a new one.  It is no wonder surveys show that fewer than 50% of all relationships survive a transition.

IS TRANSITION SELFISH?

The quick answer is "yes" and most trans people I know have struggled with the guilt associated with that selfish act.  But, in the long - run you can not take care of the people who matter to you most if you do not take care of yourself first.  In my case, I had to come to the realization that while transition is something I am doing for me, it is not exclusively about me.  This is a reality that most transitioning people come to terms with sooner or later.

Our family members may grieve just as we feel we are being born and our friends and coworkers will have to make significant adjustments in their thinking and relationships with us.  But, in the end, if everyone truly cares about each other and are willing to negotiate and make the adjustments necessary, transition can be successful for all parties.

 

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Excellent article. I too have struggled with the guilt from internalizing my "selfishness".  Thankfully I have two people in my life that have helped me to deal with it: my therapist and my wife.

Is this article available digitally, i.e. a hyperlink or pdf? I'd like to share it ifthat's permitted.

Lauren

 

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Dear Lauren,

The "trophy" is for you and Corinne.

The article was in the Fall issue of "The GAYJOURNAL Magazine," on page 16. The magazine comes out of Philadelphia, PA.

There is a facing article on page 17 that I will share in about a week.

Their website is:

www.thegayjournal.net

Their other contact information is:

E-Mail:  lvgayjournal@gmail.com

Snail mail:

Gaugler-Libby, LLC

P.O. Box 421

Stockton, PA 18083

Like to call this "the thinking person's T/LGB magazine!"

Your friend,

Monica

 

 

 

 

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Very delightful article, Monica. In many ways it echoes my own experiences. 

The fear of rejection has been such a constant in my life from me earliest memories, even in preschool when I wanted to dance like a ballerina or curtsy with the girls. 

Even now, when I don’t receive a reply to an email or text message, I jump to that conclusion until, as it always does, my assumptions are proven wrong. 

Rejection seems to be such a common denominator for trans people. Perhaps also for L.G.B. people too?

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Dear Emma,

Rejection AND trust issues seem to be big issues for both trans and LGB people.

Even before I knew I was a Lesbian, I knew I was "different," since I was four years old, and not only did I know it, but my parents and siblings knew it, too. It not only affected me then, but even now.

Today, I received a phone call from my oldest brother, that my cousin and two aunts passed away this past week.

This is the same brother that I normally receive four e-mails a year from. Last night our middle brother called him, but did not call or e-mail me. My youngest brother, did not call or e-mail my oldest brother or I, either. Only my youngest brother is going to the funerals. As far as I know, no members of my family who are Gay (all live in Portland, OR), are going to attend.

Asked my oldest brother if I could have the name and address of my cousins who are the children of my deceased aunts and if my two aunts had charitable preferences (I am not into sending flowers), but I am going to e-mail him on that, as I am not on good terms with them, to cancel my request, in respect for their privacy.

The upshot of all of this is, my two aunts and cousin, they are now all-knowing, and now know the full story.

My cousin, who died, lived in Sweden (she married a Swede) but her family does not speak English, and I don't speak Swedish.  Her sister is a Lesbian, who lives in Portland OR.

The only reason I am on somewhat civil terms with my youngest brother is that I feel obligated to have a relationship with the grandchildren in the family, and through him, I have contact with most of the children in the family, during the Holidays.

Do miss them very much, and I pray for them all.

What is the upshot of all of this? Encourage all T/LGB people to form families of choice. Think this is more important than finding long-term lovers, although this is a nice bonus.

Although most of my family and relatives feel I will burn in Hell for eternity, I feel that there are many planes in the Spiritual Realm, and each one will find their own Heaven, and I will find my own.

Your friend,

Monica

 

 

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Ah, Yes, there is sooo much to think of.  Not even just the immediate or short term, or even the closer long term.  But what about 10, 15, 20, 30 years from now, or longer? How exactly will you conduct your life?  How do you expect to?  What other new relationships will one have and what will they be like? Will you be able to earn, or maintain a living? I think many people have a false idea that hey could be happy  just to "withdraw" living the remainder of their life transitioned, but I tend to think that would be a recipe for disaster.  Of course one cannot foresee everything, but a careful and thorough self-examination of the effects and what they mean to the individual and those in their circle coupled with a lot of research surely helps to make the right choice for the individual.

Jessica

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2 hours ago, Jessicatoyou said:

Ah, Yes, there is sooo much to think of.  Not even just the immediate or short term, or even the closer long term.  But what about 10, 15, 20, 30 years from now, or longer? How exactly will you conduct your life?  How do you expect to?  What other new relationships will one have and what will they be like? Will you be able to earn, or maintain a living?

I'd just like to politely (I hope) point out that predicting the future is impossible. Worse, many people ruminate about it, endlessly wrestling with different scenarios in a desperate effort to choose "the right one" which is, again, impossible. Yes, one must be responsible for themselves, and do their best to be prepared financially and/or job- or career-wise. I'm not encouraging anyone to take the leap into transition. Just saying that it's so easy to allow fears and uncertainties to cloud our judgment. 

2 hours ago, Jessicatoyou said:

 I think many people have a false idea that hey could be happy  just to "withdraw" living the remainder of their life transitioned, but I tend to think that would be a recipe for disaster. 

I completely agree with this regardless of whether one transitions or not. Wanting to withdraw is a reaction to fear and establishing control over ones life because we'd be alone. Like Jessica says, it's a recipe for disaster. The key is to figure out how you need to live your life without much consideration for others. The only ones that should be considered are close family members. But even with them we only have our single life to live. I came "that close" to ending mine several years ago and would have missed so much. 

Returning to the original theme of Monica's post here it's well known that when we transition everyone does it with us. That can be said about any transitions: career, work, home,... even if one inherits a bunch of money or earns a lot and takes enviable vacations. Yes, gender transition is big. On reflection I don't really see why but I know it's been for some in my life. The reason I don't see why it's such a big deal is that at our core we are the same people we've always been, only happier, more grounded. Isn't that what our friends and loved ones should hope for everyone they love? 

For whatever reason(s) some people refuse to accept our reality. We can't control anyone including them. Convincing someone that we are valid and real can be like a religious debate, or trying to convince someone to vote Democrat instead of Republican. I think there are two important rules to live by:

1. Recognize that it's not selfish and it is our God-given right to live our lives. 

2. Set an example for others of our love, respect, and support for everyone, including ourselves. 

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Hi Christy,

I know what you mean about my statement about doing what you need to do without consideration of others. I wrote that quickly and although I wasn’t satisfied with it I let it stand. I’m not sure what I meant to say exactly. Perhaps this is another discussion topic for your group or another thread here in TGG, or both? 

Overall the point I’m trying to make is that it doesn’t do us good to ruminate so much, building up and reinforcing our fears and shame. There’s so much to “worry” about as we all well know. With that context I’m saying that we need to practice getting into a mindful headspace where we develop an understanding of what’s in our hearts, irrespective of external considerations. And with that we’re better prepared to consider our responsibilities, loves, families, and all that, to plot a truthful course through the rocks and shoals. 

And yet, with all that, and returning back to the topic of this thread, everyone transitions with us. It’s quite upsetting to some and does take some blind faith and courage on our part. 

On a happier note, about your experiences in the grocery store and elsewhere: I’m having the same kinds of interactions! I have friends who give me hugs and fist bumps at the grocery stores, hardware store, lumber store... all over. My joy, I think, radiates. Last night I was added into our local HRC chapter’s Steering Committee, which I think reflects on this too. 

Being trans and transitioning is darned challenging to say the least. These days I’m finding that it’s very personally rewarding!

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Christy and Emma.  Yes the Joy...radiates.  I noticed this the moment I joined the community and it hasn't wavered a bit since, when I'm out and about in my daily life. Some "phenomenon" at work there, maybe the feeling of shedding a long held inhibition, knowing that I'm headed in a good path or something like that.  I do believe it shows in one's face, attitude, and how we engage with others, and it is contagious to those we encounter.  Maybe goes into the "feeling of little girl" or "adolescence" when we start out. Whatever, the ride I'm on sure feels great.!😊 

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Haha, okay this is gonna be a stretch, but.... I went back to my dentist again last Wednesday.  Remember I brought up meeting another "Jess" in my blog What's in a name?  Well, 2 root canals and crowns was the order of the day and Jess was assisting again.  No pain at all, again had a great time, and they probably think it was the Novocain that was the reason.  I'm sure it helped, but I think my attitude was the predominant factor here.  Next appointment was to be 2 weeks from now (I have 4 appt's set up for November already) and I told them if they get any cancellations to call me and I'll be there within a 30 minute notice. I need a lot of work done and want to be done with it this year.  I've neglected it too long. Got a call Friday to come in Monday at 7:30 am.👍  Working more on my smile!😍. I now have a reason to smile.😃!   Down the road sometime, when the time is right, they'll know just how much they meant to me.

Jess

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