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What a Blow!

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A [very] few here know that I was sweating bullets when I decided to tell the three most important people in my life about my trueself - my mum, my girlfriend and my brother. I was worried that I would lose their love. I didn't, but things didn't remain all that smooth. While I lost the support of my mother a few short months later, my g/f and brother seemed to stay the course.

Now, I have to question just where my brother's feelings are on all this. He has been understanding and supportive. But today, he sorta shook my faith in him. Maybe it's unfounded. I dunno.

I took him to take care of something. I stayed in my truck. When he came back to the truck, he said he had seen an MTF, but sorta bragged that it wasn't the first time he had seen one. Well, I had seen a woman earlier pass by, and no, she didn't have much of the classic "hourglass" shape and wasn't graceful as some ballet dancer...but come on, geez...not all women are. Doesn't mean right off that it's got to be a man in drag or a transwoman. But for some reason, when he said what he did, I asked, "a woman in a brown t-shirt?" He said, "yes."

Then he went on to point out that the area is cool with stuff like that. I told him I never said anything about the area he lived in being intolerant or anything like that. We had had a discussion a few days prior and I had made comments about in general... society is not quite as accepting of transexual people as society might like some to believe.

So he went on to say that it was no big deal in his town, and that no one had even paid him any attention. I commented that, "yes, I had seen her, but I didn't see her and think to myself, there's a transwoman."

That my brother called the woman "him" had not escaped me, and I asked him, "why did you refer to her as "him" then?" He got a little indignant, as if I was implying that he had a problem with transexual people. So I said to him, she identifies as female, I don't think she would like someone referring to her as a man.

He actually went through an explaination that even though she is MTF, if she looks like a man, and after all she is genetically a man, that's why he referred to her as a man. I was astonished. I didn't even know what to say. He said it was no big deal, that it shouldn't matter what anyone is or what they are called. Then shortly after, he asked me if I would have questioned our mother if she had said the same thing. I told him that I would, not that she would bring the subject up anyway...but that yes, I would have asked her the same question.

He got a bit ticked and didn't talk to me for the rest of the afternoon... not because he was wrong (he doesn't feel he was), but because I challenged his tolerance. I dunno how to take this from him. I mean...he has told his friends that his "sibling" is transgender. Unless absolutely necessary...he no longer refers to me as his sister, but he doesn't refer to me as his brother either, which I can sort of accept 'cause after all...I'm not transitioned yet. He knows I bind and pack. I really thought it was all cool with him. Until today.

I now have one solid ally left... my girlfriend. She's the only one now (of the three I've come out to) who hasn't let me down. Dunno what I'll do if she snatches my faith in her out from under me....

-David Michael


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Posted

My family took a long time to come around and I still notice they often just omit any gender pronouns when referring to me. Makes me wonder what they call me when I'm not around. I transitioned a long, long time ago so they should be used to me. Still, I think they do love me, and accept me as much as they are capable. It has surely been a long road but I guess I'm lucky. Sometimes I just have to keep a thick skin. Good luck with the family and loved ones.

Hugs,

Lori

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I wouldn't take it so hard, Michael. Love is all that really matters and I am sure your brother loves you and so does your mother. We can't be everything to them that they expect us to be. I am not everything I expected myself to be. When it comes to transsexuality it is difficult enough to explain it to someone who really wants to understand let alone explain it to people in general.

A former highschool girlfriend I am now getting reacquainted with on a friendship level is being very supportive of my transgenderism and is trying to learn all she can about it. She bought me the movie, Transamerica, which I had already seen but she hadn't and so we are in the middle of watching it. Meaning, I talked so much through it pausing every few minutes to explain things that we ran out of time and so she will come again to watch the rest of it. The reason I am bringing this up is because there is a part in it where Bree is sitting in a restaurant and a young girl asks her if she is a boy or a girl. That freaks Bree out. The comparative part comes later when Bree and her son are at the house of an mtf friend who is having a TG party. Bree comments about how one women is so not passable. Her friend tells her she is a GG from Mary Kay. The point being, we all do it. The important part is what we do with that information, acceptance or non-acceptance.

When someone asks a question or makes a statement about someone who is transgender or transgenderism in general we should try to answer the question without judgement. Being able to talk about it is a really big thing. It is more important than we may think. I am elated when I can talk to someone about it.

I wouldn't be upset with your brother. He felt free enough to talk to you about it in the first place. Correct his thinking, discuss things if need be but leave the door open for more questions or comments so that you can continue to educate him. If you close that door out of anger or disappointment he will stop talking to you about it.

I hope this helps.

hugs,

Bonnie

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Mike , this is the question isnt it , the one big never leaving the room standing in the corner waiting to pop into your daily conversations question .... When is some one that says they know and understand and accept you for you pops off with the he/she statement , would it have mattered that it was in public concerning a woman he percieved as Trans or would it have been more understandable if it was at the house plopped on the couch watching another springer or morrey episode on Trans this or Trans that , I often get the snide comments flung through out the room when such shows are on , usually from the Daughter , her Boyfriend and My Son , My wife no but she doesnt exactly show her support on a daily basis ...

I know that I have given all of them more then an adiquate amount of time to come to gripps with my gender and how I express myself on a daily basis But they all still throw their daggers my way when they feel I am at my weekest and as of late that is often ...

The saving light is that I have some Good anti-depressants Now and I simply dont have enough time to think about their ignorant spowtings , it goes in and comes out before I have a second to ponder it , so I guess like Lori and Bonnie have said No matter how long things have been and no matter who it may be , their will all ways be that stupid remark that gets under our skin , can we deal with it like you did by scencible questioning and reason Hopefully , should we have to , One would think that we shouldn't when it comes to family or close loved ones but yet we still do .

It sucks and it will happen many more times before your though with transition , unfortunatly you are correct society likes us to believe it is more tollerant and understanding but when the reality is that it has to bite its tounge so it doesnt constantly stick us with thorns .

Take care Mike you sweet soul , I will always think you my guy friend from the intercosmic ethernet ... B) Kiss' you big hansom devil you ...

Hugs steph

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It will get better, bit by bit they will learn to use the correct gender pronoun.

...and yet, despite everything they WILL make mistakes, especially family as they have a long history to change in their heads.

Hugs

Caroline

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Thanks, ladies. All of you always seems to be able to put things in perspective. Your responses, and a little time... have allowed me to sit back and think more clearly.

I guess deep down, I know my brother means no harm. I think it just took me by surprise 'cause he and I talk just like any two guys, brothers...about many things - including women.

If I look at this logically...I have to believe he is accepting of me being TS, and has no issues with others who might be, or are, TS. I just never imagined he would try to justify using the wrong pronouns concerning someone who might have been TS.

So far, besides the "he ain't heavy, he's my sibling" (:lol:), the only thing he's asked is if it's okay to continue calling me by the "shortened" version of my nickname...more acceptable (in my mind, and apparently his too) as a name for a guy. I've never had a problem with this as I realize to just up and change the name he's always known me by could be just as difficult as having to change pronouns.

I know he accepts therealme, as when I arrived on my recent visit, he asked a favour of me (concerning bathroom habits) that he would not have had to ask of a female visitor.

So yeah, I guess it's okay. But no matter what he calls me, I would like for him to understand why he should be respectful of how a person identifies, and react accordingly.

-Michael

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Smiles , Glad to hear your trip went well . Hugs Steph

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I had a simnilar experience with my family members. When I told them I have saved enough money to have my surgeries they informed me "it's about time". They all stated their exceptance and told me all the rite things like "it doesn't matter what you are" come to find out slowly but surely no more family in my life. All I say is don't be blind to love because true love will always be there NO MATTER WHAT! Love shows no favorites. As hard as it may be emotionally to move forward without your "family" you will aquire new family in your life that will accept and love you for who/what you are NOT for who they want you to be. Remember this is your mind, body, and soul NOT anyone elses. Like one of the ladies stated earlier, it does get easier.

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Thanks mrpauljames, and welcome to TGG.

Sorry to hear that so many of your family dropped out of your life. I'm not sure what will happen with my mum...but I'm fairly sure I don't have to worry about my brother.

I really wish my mum had expressed her resistance to my true self from day one...I've always been of the belief that it's better to have someone who at first could not accept a person being trans, and then come around and have a change of heart, than it is the other way around like what happened with my mother.

I guess I've spent several years trying to prepare myself for losing my mother to her inability to accept me as her son. Most likely, that has just caused me a loss of time...as I'm sure there is no way to ever fully be braced for losing the love, acceptance and/or support of a parent.

As for her love...I'm sure I'll always have that. But what good is love without acceptance.....

-Michael

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I agree, we need both love and genuine acceptance. Tolerance, seemingly friendly or lukewarm, is no where near sufficient. I hope that by now (end of 2014) your mother, brother, and girlfriend, have demonstrated the love and acceptance you deserve.

Emma

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Ya know, over time, my g/f has still remained my "pillar" of sorts. In fact, there have been a few times she has gotten on me because I've said or implied something that she felt was a little close-minded on my part concerning our community. Gotta love a woman who can keep ya in line.

:lol:

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