I know this is not a positive post, I feel like putting a *** under my chin and........

Poof ...Vanish...Who would really care????

I could not measure up to my mothers expectation for being her little girl; which got me beat and thrown out of the house.

I can not measure to my own expectations either. People tell me I'm a freak.. other people at church have called me he /she devil. I even feel that the demons in my head tell me, I can't measure up either.

I guess this stems from looking in the mirror, the reflection I see back is not one I like; that's why I cannot measure up to being a real woman. I know I was not born that way; I'm just tired of feeling so bad.

Sometimes I call this Pinocchio syndrome; he wanted to be a real little boy but he was a puppet.

I wanna be a real woman................

I guess a better name for it is, want to be. Maybe I shouldn't write this at all, however I know I am not alone on my feelings. I know I shouldn't feel bad for myself; but I do.

There's a song I listened to in one verse it says, " the best dreams I've ever had are the ones I'm dying in."

Sometimes I feel like these artists can see inside my soul.

I really don't wanna be this bleu. But something has really thrown me into a stupor, and I just can't take the negative talk anymore. Tired of not measuring up. I'm tired of building myself up; just to be torn down.

Since I believe in talking it out instead of acting it out; that's why I wrote this. So if I read it I'll try to make sense out of my own thoughts.